
28 FEB 95
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among 
PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 
operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls 
the "Cool User Program for Windows 95." To participate in this 
offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be 
placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a 
state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship 
date.
 
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and 
acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society 
between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95,"
explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson 
trial ending, another momentous Congressional election, faster-
than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution."
 
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast 
area will be needed for the storage facility. "We have chosen the 
state of Utah," stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, 
anyway." Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for 
comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for 
publication.
 
IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft 
promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they 
would not be matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze 
people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months," said 
a source who asked not to be identified.
 
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's 
plan as a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's 
opinion column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown 
claims,"IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 
strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and 
sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time." 
Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he
claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six 
months" he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert 
Godfried. Today he clarifies that "I didn't say *which* six 
months."
 
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 
1995, but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a 
reduced fee of US$3,000.
