   ROTFL Digest!       Volume 2, Issue 12       February 1996
                    You deserve a laugh today!
                Published by Access Media Systems
  Voice: 905-847-7143 Fax: 905-847-7362 Email: sandyi@pathcom.com
   Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes
_________________________________________________________________________
NEW! Check out the ROTFL Digest homepage! http://www.pathcom.com/~sandyi
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Contents:

Editorial
Likely Stories!
If Women Ruled The World
You Know It's Time To Move Out Of Your Parent's House When...
Bingo Addiction - The Worst Kind
Are You Unwanted?
The Jerkmeister Home Study Course
New Year's Resolutions Worth Keeping
Predictions For 1996... Hey, They Could Happen!
A Not-So-Polite Flame For The Moron In Your Conference
The Personalized Flame
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!
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Editorial

I'm happy to report that people are telling me nice things about the
ROTFL Digest web site! Remember, submissions of original jokes,
original art, and funny stories are welcomed and might even win you
a dumb prize!
_________________________________________________________________________

     All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original
     material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will
     be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.

     ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it
     remains unaltered in any way.

     Email:   sandy.illes@canrem.com  or sandyi@pathcom.com
     Netmail: Sandy Illes 1:250/710

     All submissions become the property of Access Media Systems
     only for purposes of publication in ROTFL Digest. The author
     retains all copyrights eternally for any other purpose.

     ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes
     without the express written consent of the publishers.

     Material reposted from ROTFL Digest MUST be credited.
     Violators will be persecuted to the fullest extent of
     our fists.
_________________________________________________________________________
        LIKELY STORIES

        CAB CAPER

        Toronto, Ont. - Two men robbed a bank and were splattered
        with red dye from a dye pack as they escaped into a waiting
        taxi. Police said they believed the cabbie was not involved
        in the heist, although, even to the clue-impaired, it
        seems obvious that the cabbie should have noticed something
        odd about those men.

        SHOULDN'T HE HAVE TURNED INTO A PUMPKIN OR SOMETHING?

        New York, N.Y. - The lawyer for 27-year-old Ellsworth
        Stewart, who was charged with shooting two New York City
        utility company workers, argued that several factors
        contributed to Stewart's mental state, including weak
        gun control laws and the effects of the full moon.
        Guns don't kill people - morons with guns kill people.

        LIFE AFTER DEATH

        Toronto, Ont. - Toronto fertility specialist Dr. Allan
        Abramovich says he has been asked to surgically remove
        sperm from corpses of two dead husbands so that their
        young widows could have children. The women had heard
        about a case in which urologist Peter Schlegel removed
        sperm from the corpse of a 29-year-old, 13 hours after
        he died. It is believed that sperm remains alive in the
        male body for at least 24 hours after death and, once
        frozen, can remain viable for years. Abramovich declined
        to say whether he complied with the women's wishes. So
        now any guy who wonders what would happen if he stuck his
        tongue into that electrical socket can still have progeny.
        And more than that, how does the kid explain to teachers
        that his dad was dead before he was even born?

        NO FAT PEOPLE NEED APPLY

        Brisbane, Australia - Australian immigration officials
        denied entrance to Buffalo, N.Y., librarian Charlene
        Mirabella who had just married Australian librarian
        Robert Boot after a 9-month courtship that took place
        exclusively by email, because officials said she would
        be a drain on the health-care resources due to her
        being overweight. What do they think she's going to do?
        Sink the continent and drown everyone, hmmm?

        FILL 'ER UP

        Toronto, Ont. - Dean Palmer's house is heated by a gas
        furnace, but that didn't deter an oil delivery truck
        that pumped 200-300 litres of oil into the basement.
        The fuel company said the oil was meant for Palmer's
        neighbour. Palmer said he was still trying to
        decide how to break the news to his wife, who was out
        of town on business. How about, "Honey, we've struck
        oil!" or "Someday you'll tank me for telling you this..."

        IF THE CHAIR'S A ROCKIN' DON'T COME KNOCKIN'

        Monroe, Michigan - Mike Pixley earns $6 an hour to
        test La-Z-Boy chairs by rocking in them. Pixley rocks
        about 2,800 times a day. His supervisor, Judy Fay, said,
        "I want someone who's self-motivated, who sets their
        own personal goals." How self-motivated and goal-oriented
        can a person who spends all day rocking be???

        MOO-VING RIGHT ALONG

        Toronto, Ont. - A talking milk carton that contained two
        wires was mistaken for an explosive device and caused
        the evacuation of the Eaton Center. The carton was for a
        Sealtest contest in which consumers could win cars,
        holidays and snowboards if the milk cartoon moo-ed. It
        must have been udder chaos but hey, it cud have been
        worse. Okay, okay, I'll stop milking the puns. :)

        JESUS SAVES - BUT NOT IF YOU'RE A RACCOON

        Athens, Alabama - When the Union Hill Cumberland
        Presbyterian Church raised $2,500 US by staging a
        "Coon Hunt for Christ," Rev. Charles Hood told
        reporters, "The coon hunt is a way to spread the word
        of God, to talk about Jesus Christ." Not to even
        mention a way to kill small animals.

        "MY FAVORITE FLAVOUR IS DIRT"

        Easton, Pa. - Crayola, motivated by parents who called
        worried that their children might eat scented crayons
        such as chocolate, cherry, lemon, licorice, coconut,
        strawberry, and bubblegum, has created a new
        batch of scented crayons that includes baby powder,
        leather jacket, dirt, cedar closet, smoke, soap,
        lumber, shampoo, lilac, pine and new car. I'm pretty
        sure the soap-scented crayolas will stay out of the
        little mouths but what child could resist the
        tantalizing scent of dirt?

        JUST ONE MORE REASON THAT CRIME DOESN'T PAY

        Mexico City, Mexico - Three crooked cops were arrested
        after they attempted to carjack a Jeep Cherokee that
        turned out to be driven by Ernesto Zedillo Velasco, 19,
        son of President Ernesto Zedillo. Two unmarked cars
        filled with bodyguards quickly subdued the bad guys.

        DON'T HAVE A COW, MAN

        Harare, Zimbabwe - Israel Zinhanga, 28, was sentenced
        to nine months in jail after admitting he had sex with
        a cow. Zinhanga's excuse in court was he "felt safe
        having sex with a cow in view of the AIDS epidemic."
        Udderly gross.

        JUST ONE REASON WHY HEALTH CARE IS SO EXPENSIVE

        Toronto, Ont. - Toronto Hospital spent $180,000 in 37
        days of arbitration with Jamaican-born Claudine Charley,
        whom they had fired in 1992 for incompetence. Charley
        argued the firing was racially motivated and hired
        Harry Kopyto, a disbarred lawyer, to act as her agent.
        After Kopyto booked 70 more days of arbitration, the
        hospital agreed to give Charley $250,000 just to be
        rid of her. Nice work if you can get it.

        WHO CARES?

        The European Journal of Physics concluded in an article
        that the torque of an average piece of buttered toast,
        falling off a table of average height, causes "an
        inevitable butter-down final state when hitting the
        floor." But what if it's tied to a cat?
_________________________________________________________________________

          IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD
          (c)1996 Sandy Illes

        - Fat men would have to wear bras and girdles.
        - Public restrooms that only contain those stupid
          air dryers instead of paper towels would be fined
          for the first offence, firebombed for the second
          offense.
        - Men with beer bellies who wear thong bikinis (they
          know who they are) would be sent to prison.
        - Those "all-sports" channels on cable would be
          converted to "all-soaps."
        - It would be illegal to wear socks with sandals.
        - Beer companies, realizing the market had become
          much tougher, would stop featuring bimbos in their
          commercials and start showing Playgirl centerfolds.
        - Beer companies would also advertise their product
          as being a quick and easy way to lose weight.
_________________________________________________________________________

        YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO MOVE OUT OF YOUR PARENTS' HOME WHEN...
        (c)1996 Sandy Illes

        ... They no longer give you lunch money for school, using
            the excuse that you're 32 and should have a job.

        ... Your parents keep changing the locks on the doors but
            don't give you a new key.

        ... They put the house up for sale but don't mention it
            to you.

        ... You stay at a friend's house overnight and come home
            to find your room has been rented out.

        ... Your mom "forgets" to feed you at mealtimes - giving
            all the "leftover" food to the dog.

        ... Your parents bronzed your baby shoes - while you're
            still wearing them.

        ... Your arthritis is worse than your mom's.

        ... It's difficult to get life insurance because you're
            too old.

        ... Your dad keep throwing out hints about how he'll be
            retiring from the workforce very soon.

        ... Your middle age paunch is as bad as your dad's.

        ... You and your dad have a common bond - baldness.

        ... Your mom absolutely refuses to give you a bath
            anymore.

        ... You think 35 is too young to get married and move
            out.

        ... Little League has barred you from their fields
            because your pitches hurt the other players.

        ... Your teacher accuses you of sexual harrassment.

        ... Your parents want you to pay rent.
_________________________________________________________________________

        BINGO ADDICTION - IT'S THE WORST KIND
        (c)1996 Sandy Illes

I never wanted to be hooked on bingo. Who does? I used to grab my husband's
paycheque and disappear for the weekend, coming home penniless, stinking of
cigarettes and cheap bingo markers.

It began innocuously. I'd go to a bingo session every couple of weeks. Then
I began going twice a week, then several times a week. I knew I had a
problem when I began dreaming about bingo... especially since I couldn't
even win a jackpot in my dreams.

So why did I keep going, you ask? The answer is simple: Because I really,
really, really THOUGHT that I could win. Never mind that the facts
indicated I couldn't win. Bingo has nothing to do with logic or reason.
I would merrily spend $32 to win $13, and that was on a good night.
Most nights I'd drop my $32 and win a big fat nothing. I'd console myself
by saying, "Next time I'll win."

Bingo players have an amazing ability for self-deception and faith in blind
luck.

More times than I care to remember, the bingo caller - a fat guy with a
cigarette constantly dangling from his lips - would set up my cards so I
only needed one number. Then - and I don't know how he does this - he'd go
off on a tangent, calling 10 more numbers before someone finally won MY
bingo. I think he has an invisible video camera positioned over my
shoulder that lets him know what number to not call. Yes, bingo players
are paranoid, as well as being pathetically superstitious.

So now I've decided it's time to cut back on bingo. There are a couple of
reasons for this: (1) We really have to start making those mortgage
payments on time, and (2) The house, neglected because of my bingo
attendance, really needs a good cleaning.

Now I just wander around my house all day, picking lint from the sofa and
yelling at my family, "Put that dirty glass in the dishwasher." I clean
the bathrooms several times a day - so much so that I've been hospitalized
twice for inhalation of dangerous fumes from mixing cleansers - and wash
doorknobs whenever someone opens a door.

I never expected this to happen, but just yesterday my husband said to me,
"Why don't you go out to bingo?"

And you know what? I'd only quit bingo four days ago.
_________________________________________________________________________

        ARE YOU UNWANTED? TAKE THIS QUIZ AND FIND OUT!
        (c)1996 Mary Stewart

        True or False:

        1. My parents wish I was adopted so they could bring
           me back to the pound.
           True___  False___
        2. My parents wanted someone to take care of me but
           the Mafia was too expensive.
           True___  False___
        3. I have memorized the entire Encyclopedia Britannica
           but can't speak one complete sentence in front of a
           girl.
           True___  False___
        4. My dog is my worst enemy.
           True___  False
        5. I consider the tape on the bridge of my eyeglasses
           a fashion statement.
           True___  False
        6. I can mumble incoherently in several languages.
           True___  False
        7. The most parenting I have received is to be
           ignored in the hope that I will go away.
           True___  False___
        8. My computer science teacher calls me The Win95
           of Humanity.
           True___  False___
        9. After I was born, my mother tried to get a refund.
           True___  False___
       10. The pope has sent me a letter requesting that I
           stop wasting God's time with my prayers.
           True___  False
_________________________________________________________________________
        THE JERKMEISTER(TM) HOME STUDY COURSE
        (c)1995 Mary Stewart

        Has someone called you a jerk lately and you've been forced
        to tell them that you're not a jerk? Why suffer from this
        kind of embarrassment? With the JerkMeister(tm) Home Study
        Course, you can be a complete and total jerk in only 12
        weeks!

        With nothing but your lack of wits, charm, and social grace,
        and a big bank account to pay our bills, you can be the
        biggest jerk of them all!

        Here are just some of the things you'll learn in the
        JerkMeister(tm) Home Study Course:

Beginner:

        - How to avoid eye contact with pregnant women on public
          transit so you won't have to give up your seat.
        - Scaring little children for fun and profit.
        - How to make burnt toast into the perfect wedding gift.
        - The success story of Sally Struthers: How she took our
          course and became the biggest jerk on TV.

Intermediate:

        - What your nasal drip reveals about your personality.
        - Ten other great uses for a pocket protector.
        - Fifty Spam recipes with which you can annoy, disgust,
          and horrify your vegetarian friends.
        - Fashion tips for those shoplifting sprees.

Advanced:

        - Blackmail: It only works if they pay up.
        - The top five ways a trash compacter can help you hide
          those bothersome bodies.
        - How to plea bargain murder down to aggravated assault.
        - How to use an Uzi as a salad shooter.

        Plus much, much more!

        How can you resist such an offer??? This is a once-in-a-
        lifetime opportunity to become the jerk you know you
        really are deep inside! Within 12 weeks, we guarantee
        you'll be leaving the missus with no child support,
        performing petty criminal acts for personal pleasure,
        and annoying the hell out of everybody with whom you
        come in contact! What a deal!

Send cash only to:
The JerkMeister(tm) Home Study Course
1234 Damnation Alley
Hell, Arkansas 21345

Name: _____________________________________ Age: ________________
Address: __________________________________ Apt. ________________
City: _____________________________________ State: ______________
Zip code: _________ Amount of money in my bank account: _________

Yes, please let me be the jerk I've always wanted to be! I have
checked off my choices of beginner course material:

Teacher desired:
__ Rush Limbaugh
__ Newt Gingrich
__ Bill Clinton 
__ Cosmo Kramer 
__ Mr. Ed the talking horse

My main interest is:
__ Annoying people
__ Hurting small, defenceless animals
__ Satanic worship for fun and profit
__ Spam recipes

I enclose $295.00 cash. Please send my course instructor and material
immediately. I wish to enclose $79.00 extra for airmail ($99.00 extra
for Rush Limbaugh).
_________________________________________________________________________
         NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS WORTH KEEPING
         (c)1996 Sandy Illes

        I vow to eat as many fattening foods and exercise as
        little as possible.

        I vow to smoke cigarettes until my lungs collapse.

        I vow to watch TV until my eyeballs implode.

        I vow to arrive late for work as often as possible.

        I vow to let other people always pickup the cheque in
        restaurants.

        I vow to sleep when I'm tired and stay on the Internet
        as long as I'm awake.

        NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS THAT COULD GET YOU ARRESTED

        I vow to update my collection of parking tickets.

        I vow to hurt the next person who tells me to have a
        nice day.

        NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS THAT COULD GET YOU PUT AWAY IN
        THE FUNNY BIN

        I vow to pester the Guinness Book of World Records until
        they add an entry about my collection of stool samples.

        I vow to warn the world about the upcoming alien invasion,
        which is due any minute.
_________________________________________________________________________
PREDICTIONS FOR 1996... Hey, They COULD Happen!
(c)1996 Sandy Illes

After gazing into my crystal ball and seeing only a commercial
for a pizza chain, I decided - what the hell - I'll just make
up these predictions for 1996.

January

Although she claims to want a baby, Madonna has tried all
the men on earth and none of them is a suitable candidate.
She now says that she will only accept sperm donors from other
planets or alternate universes.

February

O.J. Simpson, in a surprise move, has accidentally admitted
that he indeed did kill Nicole and Ronald Goldman. In a
drunken moment of bonding with a golf pro at the 19th hole
of an exclusive golf course, he said, "I
got over my slicing problem after that Nicole thing."

March

Pope John Paul II, in a controversial trial, has admitted that
not only did he father a child named only as Baby P, but he
is, in fact, a Mormon, having given up Catholicism after being
annoyed by the "fish on Friday" rule.

April

Elvis Presley announces his big "Comeback from the Grave" tour
for 1996. His contract rider reportedly includes peanut butter
sandwiches and large supplies of embalming fluid.

May

Michael Jackson undergoes sex-change therapy by accident when
a penis reduction operation goes awry. Jackson is seen around
Hollywood escorting Melissa Etheridge and Sandra Bernhard.

June

Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss gets into a catfight with Happy
Hooker Xaviera Hollander which results in a court battle. In
the end, Judge Lance Ito, after several months of listening to
a tape recording of Rodney King saying "Why can't we all just
get along?" decrees that they join together and begin Happy
Hollywood Hooker Enterprises.

July

Judge Lance Ito is embarrassed by public disclosure of his
patronage of Happy Hollywood Hookers Enterprises and hires
Johnnie Cochran to defend him on charges of being found in
a bawdy house. Cochran uses the defence "If the penis don't
fit, you must acquit."

August

Johnnie Cochran's wife files for divorce saying, "If the man
is a louse, I must get the house."

September

Mick Jagger defends himself in a paternity lawsuit by telling
the jury, "Hey, I was only 5th in the lineup!" The plaintiff
maintains Mick was the only man she slept with in a 2-minute
period that night, plus he was the richest one so it must be
Mick's baby.

October

Rolling Stone magazine reports that the Rolling Stones drummer
is dead and has been for more than 10 years. He has been an
embalmed puppet on a string for all these years.

November

John Wayne Bobbitt, desperate to get back in the public eye,
slices off his own penis. Unfortunately, he forgets where he
has put it and is left to a career of singing backup soprano
for Madonna.

December

Santa Claus is legislated out of business by politically
correct activists who charge that Santa is too white, too
Christian and too physically abled. He is replaced by
Claus Corporation, who immediately appoint a black,
Jewish Santa in a wheelchair who sells toys at wholesale.
_________________________________________________________________________
       A NOT-SO-POLITE FLAME FOR THE MORON IN YOUR CONFERENCE
      (c)1996 Sandy Illes

Put on your asbestos underwear because here comes your flame. Yes,
you asked for it and... this flame's for you!

        Perhaps it is time someone told you:

        (a) your moronic ravings have become tiresome.
        (b) you're dropping the average IQ of the entire
            conference just by posting in here.
        (c) a dictionary will help you just as much on
            the net as clean underwear will in a car
            accident. Probably more.

        It is with great regret that I tell you:

        (a) your witless ravings used to be funny in a
            weird sort of way but they're not anymore.
        (b) mass pity has kept us from flaming you up
            until now.
        (c) your dog is pregnant and you are the father.

        The only logical thing for you to do now is:

        (a) go back to your mother's basement and read a
            dictionary during the Star Trek commercials.
        (b) stop picking your nose before you pull your
            eye out.
        (c) go find another conference where nobody knows
            you and you'll be accepted with the kind of
            pity you used to receive here.

        Here's a quarter... go buy yourself a clue.
_________________________________________________________________________
        THE PERSONALIZED FLAME
        (c)1996 Sandy Illes

        This flame was create exclusively for ______________________.

        Dear ________________________,
        1. moron  2. retard  3. mommy's boy  4. he who must die

        The pleasure of receiving your mail has ____________________
        1. made me a firm believer in euthanasia for the IQ-impaired.
        2. proven my theory that only idiots post from AOL.
        3. caused me to pray to God for your slow, horrible demise.
        4. inspired me with thoughts of new, slow, satisfying methods
           of how I could torture you.

        While I initially felt ____________________________ for you,
        1. contempt  2. pity  3. a Kevorkian kind of love  4. pure hate

        I tried to temper it with __________________________________
        1. a mail bomb that for some reason you didn't open.
        2. the knowledge that people as dumb as you don't usually live
           very long.
        3. a Mafia hitman.
        4. a Satanic ceremony with you as the sacrifice.
_________________________________________________________________________
JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES

At the beach at Atlantic City, this Jewish woman is hysterical & is
screaming for the life-guard as her son is drowning. Finally the
life-guard swims out and miraculously rescues the young lad.
As the crowd gathers to see the youngster save, the mother rushes
up to see her son safe, but rather than thanking the aquatic hero,
she says, "So where's his hat?"
_________________________________________________________________________
A gay walks into his doctor's office claiming to be pregnant.  "No way,"
the doctor says, "you don't have any ovaries, vagina, womb, fallopian
tubes...you couldn't possibly be pregnant!"  The gay keeps insisting
he's pregnant so the doctor tells his nurse to give him a pregnancy
test and get rid of him.  The nurse returns with an astonished look on
her face and informs the doctor the patient is pregnant!  The doctor
calls him into his office, gives him the news and asks if he has any
idea who the father might be. "Hey," he replies, "you think I got eyes
in the back of my head?"
_________________________________________________________________________
 Q:  What's the smallest pub in the world called?
 A:  The Thalidomide Arms.
_________________________________________________________________________
This gay guy is going for a nice walk when he sees his old pal.
He goes up to him and they start talking. Finally he convinces his
estranged friend to follow him into a nearby alley. After a while
the two get it on, and when they are finished he says to his friend,
"Did you enjoy that?"
        And his friend replies, "I sure did! It was great!"
        So he looks at his satisfied friend and asks, "Well why did
        you keep jerking your head and neck back?"
        His friend turns around and says, "You caught the tail of my
shirt in my ass."
_________________________________________________________________________
Q. What Is The Definition Of One Lawyer Left Standing?
 A. Not Enough Ammunition.
_________________________________________________________________________
Q. What Is The Definition Of Perfect Pitch?
 A. When You Get The Viola Into The Toilet Without Hitting The Sides.
_________________________________________________________________________
Three surgeons were discussing their favourite type of person to
operate on. The first said he liked operating on the Japanese because
all their organs were colour coded making it a whole lot easier to
find the various parts.The second surgeon said he prefered operating
on Germans as their organs were precisely laid out in exactly the
right places. The last surgeon said he liked operating on lawyers
because when you open their abdomen they got no guts, when you open
their chests they got no heart and when you open their heads they got
no brain.
_________________________________________________________________________
A group of monks lived at a monastery with a sticky door. They used an
old hand held fan, whose handle fit perfectly into a notch in the door
jamb, to pry the door open. One day one of the priests reached for the
fan, which was hanging by the door. He didn't know that a cockroach had
climbed into the fan and was nestled up inside. When he took the fan, the
frightened cockroach jumped out of the fan right into the priest's face.
Reacting instinctively, the priest knocked the roach off and immediately
stomped on it rather heavily, killing the roach.

The moral: Don't jump out of the prying fan and into the friar.
_________________________________________________________________________
Washington DC(AP)--Celeste Pitcairn, Deputy Press Secretary
for Postmaster General Abner Knobless, announced today that
April 1, 1996 is the release date for the much anticipated
commemorative stamp that will honor to ancient profession
of prostitution.

    "We have been waiting too long for fair and equitable
treatment by our own government," stated Lucille Bonilla,
chairperson of COYOTE (Call Off Your Old Tired Ethics) a
lobby group for the decriminalization of prostitution.

   When asked what the new stamp would cost, Ms. Pitcairn
replied, "One dollar and twenty-five cents.  Two dollars and
fifty cents if you want to lick it."
_________________________________________________________________________

