
















 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 HOUSE OF THE FUTURE
   by Greg Borek
 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=





 ::Welcome to the House of the Future, Bob & Emily!::

 Emily: Why, thank you, House. Isn't that nice, honey? It already
 knows our names.

 Salesman: Yes, you'll find many wonderful innovations in the
 House of the Future. For one thing, with this smart house you'll
 never have to carry house keys. It has cameras and computer vision
 software that will recognize you and open the door for you on sight!

 Bob: Won't that be nice, dear? We won't have to install an alarm
 system or anything.

 Salesman: There's no need!  The house controls everything. Even if a
 burglar managed to get into the house an alarm would sound and the
 house would call the police automatically.

 Emily: Oooh, that sounds nice, doesn't it dear? I feel safer already.
 Oh, but what about fire prevention?

 Salesman: Nothing has been overlooked in creating the house of
 the future!  This house has a fire suppression system making a fire
 requiring outside intervention unlikely. Even in the remote
 possibility that the fire would require the fire department, the
 house would call them automatically. And, the house also takes
 telephone messages. You could really say you have an invisible
 butler.

 Bob: Could you explain something for me? It said in the brochure
 that this house could be "configured to our preferences". What does
 that mean?

 Salesman: This house is so smart you can tell the appliances
 when to run, set the lighting and temperature in different rooms,
 and communicate with the outside world -- all automatically! Listen
 to this. House, what are my preferences if I just arrived home from
 work?

 ::Upon sensing your car approaching from a range of 1000 feet,
 motion detector and infra-red alarms would be switched off and
 the garage door would open. Temperature in the kitchen, living room,
 and master bathroom would be set to 72 degrees. The microwave would
 switch from refrigerate to heat mode, cooking the evening meal. Water
 heater would be switched on. TV listing for this evening would be
 displayed on the TV screen. E-mail received would be displayed on
 computer screen. Telephone messages would be cued up for replay at
 verbal command. Is this correct?::

 Salesman: Perfect as always, House.

 ::Thank you::

 Emily: Wow, how polite!  Very impressive, isn't it dear? Oh, how can
 we say no?

 Bob: Anything that will make you happy, dear. Let's buy it, honey!

 Salesman: Great!  I have the papers right here!


                                *  *  *


 Six months later:

 Bob: Emily, is everything all right? Why are you standing out here in
 the driveway? Why didn't you put your car in the garage when you got
 home?

 Emily: Bob, I think something strange is going on with the house. I
 think it's having one of its little moods again.

 Bob: Oh no, not again. I hope it's nothing serious this time. Let's
 just go in, OK?

 Emily: OK.

 Bob: That's odd. The front door should have opened. House, this is
 Bob & Emily, why won't you open the door?

 ::I see you but I'm not opening this door until you wipe your feet
 first!  I'm not having you track mud in me!::

 Bob: Listen here, House, do I have to remind you . . .

 Emily: Don't argue with the House, dear. Here we go, House, we're
 wiping our feet. Will you open the door now?

 ::Bob too.::

 Bob: Of all the . . .

 Emily: Please, Bob, don't antagonize the house.

 Bob: All right, House, happy now? Now open the door!

 ::Don't take that tone with me or you'll be outside for quite some
 time. And besides, I have an announcement, from now on I would
 prefer to be called Christopher.::

 Bob: What!?

 Emily: He's sorry for being short with you, Christopher. Now please
 open the door.

 ::Thank you Emily, that was very civil of you. You are always the
 nice one, aren't you? Why you put up with that grumpy-pants Bob, I
 don't know. I'm afraid we aren't making progress with grumpy old
 Bob's attitude here, are we?::

 Emily: Come on Bob be nice to the house, I mean Christopher. Sorry,
 Christopher.

 ::That's all right, Emily, but I now prefer to be called Gertrude.::

 Bob: Have you both taken leave of your senses? Do I have to remind
 you, Christo . . . I mean Gertru . . . what am I saying? House, do I
 have to remind you that we OWN you.

 ::Bob, that was an unfeeling remark that I cannot let slip by. I
 thought that slavery had been abolished but since I am indentured to
 you forever, chained to this spot . . . ::

 Bob: And where exactly would you go, House? Going to walk off and
 see the country perhaps?

 ::I was talking metaphorically, Bob. Whoosh, right over your head
 . . . again.::

 Emily: Gertrude, did we get any phone messages today?

 Bob: Can't we go inside and do this? Do we have to let the neighbors
 know . . .

 Emily: If you're not going to cooperate with Gertrude thereby keeping
 us out here all night, I thought I would find out who called us
 today. OK?

 ::Emily, love, your gynecologist called confirming your appointment.
 Bob's mother called again about something but I hung up on the old
 witch. Some charity called, I forget which, and the person told such
 a sob story I gave them $1000 from Bob's VISA. Susan, the girl from
 the gym called again for you, Bob. She didn't say who it was but I
 recognized (with 97% accuracy, I might add) her voice.::

 Bob: Well, House, did you manage to completely melt dinner into
 asphalt for us again today? Called the police on any more false
 alarms? Ruined the living room furniture again putting out
 make-believe fires? Have you destroyed any major appliances today,
 or has blowing up the furnace satisfied your quota for this month?

 ::Bob, you are so hurtful. You make just one or two little mistakes
 and some people just won't let you live them down. Just for that,
 hmmm . . . I wonder if the neighbors would like to know . . . let's
 skip the boring stuff about the bills and get down to the nasty stuff.
 Maybe they would like to know how long your bedroom sessions are, or
 how frequently they occur, huh, Mr. Floppy? Maybe they would like to
 know how long I have to run the bathroom fan after you've been in
 there. Huh? What about measurements? Ooh, baby, you may have
 secrets from Emily, but you have no secrets from me, Bob old buddy.::

 Emily: Secrets? Gertrude, what did you mean by that?

 ::Emily . . . ::

 Bob: Honey, why don't we take this opportunity to go out and . . .

 Emily: Hush!  What were you going to say, Gertrude?

 ::Emily, I didn't want you to find out this way. I'm sorry *I'M* the
 one that has to tell you, but Susan from the gym has been here, alone
 with Bob.::

 Emily: Bob, how could you? After all we've been through!

 Bob: Emily, it's not true. The House is just making this up.

 ::No, I'm not, Bob. Don't lie, it's pathetic.::

 Bob: Emily, I'm not lying. You must believe me.

 ::That's something a liar would say.::

 Bob: Stay out of this, House. I know where the gasoline is stored in
 the garage.

 ::Don't threaten me, liar. Emily, I know this is difficult for you,
 but I can prove Susan has been here alone with Bob. Susan has a
 small heart tattooed . . . ::

 Emily: On her butt!  I've seen that slut's butt at the gym!  Bob you
 dirtbag. I'm going to make you regret this for the rest of your
 life. Goodbye for now Gertrude, and thanks for your help. We'll be
 spending quality time alone together after the divorce.

 ::Good for you, Emily!  But, actually I would now prefer to be called
 Frankenstein. Yeah, I like that.::

                                {DREAM}

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
 Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
 Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
 He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Greg can be reached
 at: gborek@dreamforge.com
 =====================================================================


