Ŀ
          
            ROTFL Digest!   Volume 2, Issue 6       April, 1995         
                                                                        
                                                                        
                  Published by Access Media Systems                     
           Voice: 905-847-7143           Fax: 905-847-7362              
                                                                        
       Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes       
                                                                        
          
       Contents:                                                        
                                                                        
       Editorial and Contest Reminder                                   
       Likely Stories!                                                  
       Top Ten Things That Fly Is Doing In Your Soup                    
       Become A Legal Killer With Our Truck Driver Training School      
                Of Wheel And Brake Adjustments                          
       Top Ten Ways To Know Your Life Is The Most Pathetically          
                Boring One On Earth                                     
       Top Ten Ways To Know If A Guy's Been Married                     
       Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                             
                                                                        
                                                                        
          
                                                                          
    Editorial                                                             
    ---------                                                             
    I hope you guys haven't forgotten about the contest ROTFL Digest      
    is running! Win a prize by relating your best funny story, joke,      
    or ascii cartoon to sandy.illes@canrem.com. Win real prizes such      
    as decorated stationery, original cartoons, or even a CD! Check       
    out previous issues of ROTFL Digest for contest details!              
                                                                          
    Coming soon: An enhanced version of ROTFL Digest with pagination      
    and all sorts of other goodies! These enhancements are courtesy       
    of Nick Onoufriou of Blueview Software. If you're interested in       
    finding out more about Blueview's quality software, contact him at    
    the following email address: nick.onoufriou@westonia.com              
                                                                          
    Also coming soon: A free support board for ROTFL Digest!              
    Look for more details in ROTFL19.ZIP which will be available          
    on fine BBS's everywhere in May.                                      
                                                                          
    We'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that ROTFL      
    Digest is a humor publication and absolutely nothing published in     
    it is true unless we specifically say it is (like Likely Stories)! :) 
                                                                          
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    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          
    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         
    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    
                                                                          

                                                                          
     Ŀ    
      ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it      
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      Email to sandy.illes@canrem.com  or  Sandy Illes 1:250/710        
                                                                        
      All submissions become the property of Access Media Systems       
      for purposes of publication in ROTFL Digest. The author           
      retains all copyrights eternally for any other purpose.           
                                                                        
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      without the express written consent of the publishers.            
                                                                        
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                                          ^^^^                          
      Violators will be persecuted to the fullest extent of             
      our fists.                                                        
         
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       LIKELY STORIES                                                     
       ==============================================================     
       GIMME A BURGER, HOLD THE KETCHUP AND SALMONELLA                    
                                                                          
       Seattle, Washington - Brianne Kiner spent 40 days in a coma        
       in 1993 due to a Jack In The Box hamburger and has now won         
       a $15-million US settlement. Brianne, now 12 years old, was        
       among an estimated 600 people poisoned by contaminated,            
       undercooked hamburgers sold by Jack In The Box. Three children     
       died. Brianne was the most acutely ill child to survive but        
       suffered a stroke which caused brain damage, and also suffered     
       damage to almost every organ system in her body.                   
       ("Would you like fries with that? No? Perhaps a lawyer?")          
                                                                          
       NICKEL AND DIMING HIS EMPLOYER                                     
                                                                          
       Cornwall, Ont. - Every week for a year, tellers at a local         
       Bank of Montreal branch wondered where Bryan Jesmer, 35,           
       got all those rolls of coins he cashed in. The bank believed       
       Jesmer, a parking meter attendant with the city, was up to         
       something and notified the police. Jesmer has pleaded guilty       
       to stealing $14,511 in coins over several years and was            
       sentenced to 75 days in jail, as well as being ordered to          
       repay the money with a three-year probation period. The            
       city has not yet decided if he will keep his job.                  
       (Not decided? Oh puh-leeze! The guy is a crook!)                   
                                                                          
       THIS DOCTOR IS A REAL CUT-UP                                       
                                                                          
       Tampa, Florida - A man who went into surgery to have his           
       right foot amputated awoke to discover the left foot was           
       missing. The unnamed patient, in his 50's, was informed of         
       the blunder while he was in the recovery room at University        
       Community Hospital.                                                
       (And so ends the saga of a man who could have been called          
       Hopalong...)                                                       
                                                                          
       THANK GOODNESS THESE GUYS HAVEN'T EVOLVED TO USING GUNS            
                                                                          
       Henderson, Kentucky - At 6:30 every morning, a bugle               
       reveille blares from a bullhorn atop Woodring Fryer's home.        
       Some days, it's followed by a cacophony of barking dogs and        
       raucous music. Fryer and his next door neighbour, 80-year-         
       old Charles Kissinger, have been feuding for years over ham        
       radio transmissions. Fryer, 72, claims Kissinger's radio           
       signal interferes with his own ham and FM radio reception,         
       as well as his television, telephones, and other appliances.       
       In retaliation, he installed the bullhorn 3 cm from the wall       
       that the two men's homes share.                                    
                                                                          
       IT'S A 90'S TYPE GADGET                                            
                                                                          
       Montreal, Quebec - A Montreal company, S2RK Advanced               
       Technologies, will outfit your car with a satellite                
       tracking system or a panic button for $1,500 plus $600 per         
       year in monitoring fees. The company links your automobile         
       to satellites using a product called SatSting. If you're           
       lost or in danger, just push the white button. If the car          
       is improperly started, the antenna sends silent messages           
       to the satellites. The information is then transmitted back        
       to the earth, where it can  be translated into a location          
       map with an accuracy of 10 metres. A stolen car or a driver        
       in danger can be tracked in seconds.                               
       (That'll pretty much end kids borrowing their parents' car.)       
                                                                          
       WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JUST ORDERING PIZZAS?                         
                                                                          
       Jacksonville, Florida - 13-year-old Tammy Lynn Esckilsen,          
       daughter of a hospital clerk, was arrested after obtaining         
       a list of patients' phone numbers and making prank calls           
       informing the patients that they had HIV. Tammy Lynn               
       obtained the list after visiting her mother at work. One           
       of the teenage girls went for a gun in an attempt to kill          
       herself after hearing the news that she not only had HIV           
       but was also pregnant.                                             
       (Wow, what an endearing sense of humour, eh?)                      
                                                                          
       POLITICALLY CORRECT REVENGE IN FAMILY COURT                        
                                                                          
       Vancouver, B.C. - A 32-year-old father of three insists that       
       his estranged wife stop smoking or give him sole custody of        
       the children. Todd McLeod, in a statement designed to warm         
       the bitter little hearts of the politically correct, claims        
       he is worried about the effects of second-hand smoke on his        
       children, who have lived with their mother since the couple        
       separated a year ago. McLeod said the children, ranging from       
       ages 3-14 have suffered from colds, chronic coughs, and one        
       an inner ear infection, illnesses that he believes are linked      
       to second-hand smoke. No mention was made as to Mr. McLeod's       
       medical credentials. No mention was also made that colds,          
       coughs, and inner ear infections are perfectly normal              
       childhood illnesses.                                               
       (At least we can all see why she's divorcing him...)               
                                                                          
       YES, YES, YES!                                                     
                                                                          
       Toronto, Ont. - The OPP has undertaken an internal                 
       investigation into a photo radar van being towed for               
       illegal parking in a Scarborough fire zone. The van                
       had been tagged and towed after it was parked for more             
       than 30 minutes in the fire zone.                                  
                                                                          
       SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT                                           
                                                                          
       Moncton, N.B. - Raymond Falle, 75, won $5.5 million in             
       Canada's Lotto 6/49 draw. When asked what he intended              
       to do with the money, Falle replied that he wanted to              
       get a better hearing aid and a new set of teeth.                   
       (Heck, now he can afford to get a set of gold teeth...             
       maybe a set of gold teeth with diamonds... yeah, that's            
       the ticket!)                                                       
                                                                          
       OH SURE, IT WOULD BE REAL EASY TO MIX THESE GUYS UP                
                                                                          
       Seattle, Washington - The Kellogg Co. has opposed the              
       trademark application of a steel band called the Toucans,          
       claiming the band might be confused with Toucan Sam, a             
       cartoon associated with its Froot Loops cereal. A                  
       proposed settlement from Kellogg asks that the Toucans             
       not sell cereal, mention Kellogg or the name "Sam," or             
       use a bird that resembles Toucan Sam. Should the band              
       ever use a talking Toucan, it must not have a British,             
       New Zealand, or Australian accent.                                 
       (All band members named Sam must presumably resign and             
       if they're ever interviewed by Sam Donaldson, the band             
       will have to call him Anton...)                                    
                                                                          
       BIKERS GET GOVERNMENT FUNDS                                        
                                                                          
       Montreal, Quebec - A $105,000 loan from the Federal                
       Business Development Bank helped the Rock Machine                  
       motorcycle gang buy its fortress-like headquarters,                
       according to Le Journal de Montreal. The gang is now               
       involved in a vicious turf war for control of Montreal's           
       lucrative drug trade and the bank, a government agency,            
       wants their money back. The agency defended the loan,              
       saying the application was made by Guy Lepage, not the             
       bikers. Lepage, 47, a former Montreal police officer,              
       was recently released after a two-year prison term for             
       laundering profits of the drug trade between Quebec and            
       B.C.                                                               
       (Doesn't the bank bother to check out the people who               
       receive money from them?)                                          
                                                                          
       MAYBE IT LOOKS CLOSER ON A MAP?                                    
                                                                          
       Bonfield, Ontario - An unidentified 26-year-old Paris              
       man became irate because the Greyhound bus wasn't                  
       reaching his destination fast enough, so he tried to               
       grab the steering wheel of the moving bus. He fell out             
       the door and died as the driver tried to bring the                 
       swerving bus under control. The French tourist wanted              
       to go to Vancouver and thought it was only two hours               
       from Ottawa. Vancouver is in fact a 4,700-kilometre                
       road trip from Ottawa and takes about three days of                
       travelling.                                                        
                                                                          
       OH PUH-LEEZE                                                       
                                                                          
       Toronto, Ont. - Far Horizons Inc, is offering a six-day            
       London theatre tour for gays, lesbians, and friends.               
       Included in the $1,499 per person (double occupancy)               
       price is air fare, a flexible itinerary with sightseeing           
       and two nights of theatre performances.                            
       (What, no condoms or vaseline??)                                   
                                                                          
       NO WONDER SOME KIDS GROW UP TO KILL THEIR PARENTS                  
                                                                          
       Riverside, Calif. - A woman received four years in jail            
       for hanging up the telephone as her son tried to report            
       that his 7-year-old sister was being raped by their new            
       stepfather. The mother's name is being withheld to                 
       protect the privacy of the little girl. The attack                 
       occurred barely three hours after the mother wed Frank             
       Cisco Bridges in January, 1994. Bridges, 44, is serving            
       38 years for five convictions of rape and child                    
       molestation. The mother and child are both infected with           
       the AIDS virus.                                                    
       (The mother obviously learned nothing from June Cleaver.)          
                                                                          
       AND AMERICANS PAY BIG BUCKS FOR THEIR HEALTH CARE                  
                                                                          
       Dallas, Texas - Benjamin Jones, 62, died of cancer after           
       a surgeon at Osteopathic Medical Center of Texas                   
       removed his healthy right lung and left a tumor in his             
       left lung. His family has just settled a suit with the             
       hospital for about $9 million although the hospital                
       admitted no wrongdoing. The lawsuit alleged there was              
       confusion over the location of Jones's tumor one week              
       after the surgery, but the hospital did not advise                 
       Jones of it. Jones discovered the mistake on his own               
       when he reviewed his medical records after switching               
       health plans.                                                      
       (Who was his doctor - Dr. Kevorkian?)                              
                                                                          
       IT WAS EASY FOR THE GIRLS TO GET AN "A" IN HIS CLASS               
                                                                          
       Sault Ste. Marie, Canada - A 46-year-old teacher,                  
       Kenneth DeLuca, has been ordered to stand trial on                 
       40 charges of sexually abusing about 20 female                     
       students over a 10-year period. Charges include:                   
       23 charges of indecent assault, 11 charges of sexual               
       assault, four charges of sexual touching while in a                
       position of trust, one charge of sexual interference,              
       and one charge of forcible confinement.                            
       ("Not detention AGAIN, Mr. DeLuca!")                               
                                                                          
       PROOF THAT THE END OF THE WORLD MUST BE NEAR                       
                                                                          
       London, England - Former Beatle Paul McCartney and Yoko            
       Ono, wife of the late John Lennon, have made up after              
       years of hostility. To make matters even worse for the             
       public, the two families recorded a piece by Yoko Ono              
       called Hiroshima Sky Is Always Blue.                               
       (Earplug sales are bound to go wayyyyy up!)                        
                                                                          
       IS THAT YOU, GROUCHO?                                              
                                                                          
       Orlando, Florida - The surveillance camera photo of a              
       robber at a branch of the Barnett Bank in Orlando                  
       showed a man who seemed to be wearing a disguise                   
       consisting of fake glasses with a large nose attached,             
       but witnesses said the man's nose was his own so the               
       Orlando Sentinel published the photo. Numerous people              
       called the crime tips hotline to identify the man as               
       Chuck Newman.                                                      
       (Maybe he needed the heist money for a nose job?)                  
                                                                          
       CRIME WARS                                                         
                                                                          
       Thieves are becoming more and more bizarre. In recent              
       robberies: A spray bottle of toilet cleanser was                   
       pointed at a shopkeeper in Norwich, Ont.; a manhole                
       cover was brandished by a Chicago mugger; a golf ball              
       was wielded by robbers in Evansville, Ill.; a pitchfork            
       was used by one of two men during a store robbery in               
       Greensboro, N.C.                                                   
                                                                          
       Naturally, law-abiding folks are fighting back with                
       whatever they can. Weapons recently used to foil                   
       robberies include: A large spatula and oven scrub                  
       brush during an attempted pizzeria robbery in Dayton,              
       Ohio; a can of Raid was used by a homeowner in Stark               
       County, Ohio, to temporarily blind a burglar.                      
                                                                          
       Just what do these thieves want? Well, it's not just               
       money anymore. Two thieves in Loveland, Colorado were              
       accused of stealing five hedgehogs from a pet store;               
       two men in Yuba City, Calif., attempted to steal a                 
       still-hot barbecue grill at a (get this!) county                   
       probation office picnic; a man was charged with digging            
       up and taking 1,500 Venus fly trap plants in Wilmington,           
       N.C.; a 42-year-old man was charged with stealing six              
       slabs of the sidewalk at Forest Ave. and Shehy St. in              
       Youngstown, Ohio; in Long Hill, N.J., someone has been             
       stealing doorbells.                                                
                                                                          
       AND JUST WHEN WILL STUPIDITY BE MADE A CRIME?                      
                                                                          
       Antioch, Calif. - A 31-year-old woman was arrested                 
       after walking into a police station carrying a bag                 
       of illegal drugs. She wanted the drugs tested because              
       she thought her boyfriend had added hallucinogens to               
       it.                                                                
                                                                          
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       TOP TEN THINGS THAT FLY IS DOING IN YOUR SOUP                      
                                 (c)1995 Sandy Illes                      
                                                                          
      10. Hoping the soup belongs to Christie Brinkley.                   
       9. Wishing he could complain to the chef.                          
       8. Holding a secret meeting with Elvis and the aliens.             
       7. Holding his breath so he won't drown.                           
       6. Newest fly craze - snorting soup.                               
       5. Praying that you're a figment of his imagination.               
       4. Wondering how you would taste.                                  
       3. Soup review for "The Daily Flypaper."                           
       2. Waiting for the dessert tray.                                   
       1. Wishing the chef had used a little less salt.                   
Ĵ
       Advertisement               (c)1995 Sandy Illes                    
       -------------                                                      
                                                                          
       BECOME A LEGAL KILLER WITH OUR TRUCK DRIVER TRAINING SCHOOL OF     
       WHEEL AND BRAKE ADJUSTMENTS!                                       
                                                                          
       Are you afraid to kill someone because you might get caught and    
       end up in jail and be forced to spend the rest of your life with   
       a boyfriend named Spike? Now you can forget your worries and       
       kill with impunity by signing up for the TRUCK DRIVER TRAINING     
       SCHOOL OF WHEEL AND BRAKE ADJUSTMENTS!                             
                                                                          
       In our valuable course, you'll learn how to over-tighten those     
       wheel nuts just enough so that some pathetic car driver will       
       feel the full wrath of your tires as they pound his car and his    
       head into spaghetti sauce. Learn how to loosen your brakes so      
       that you can drive right through that Honda Accord instead of      
       being stuck in traffic behind it.                                  
                                                                          
       Other course material to be covered include:                       
                                                                          
       - Driving side by side with another tractor trailer so you can     
       make mincemeat out of that Ferrari.                                
       - How to effectively abuse the air horn to scare car drivers       
       into veering off the road.                                         
       - Why you should give the finger to car drivers who cut you off    
       (because you're 80,000 pounds stronger than them).                 
       - Plus much more!                                                  
                                                                          
       Our guarantee:                                                     
                                                                          
       Remember, if you haven't killed at least three people within a     
       week of completing this course, we promise to either refund        
       your money or have one of our experienced professionals do the     
       killing for you!                                                   
                                                                          
       Send a non-refundable cheque or money order for $12,929.37 to:     
                                                                          
       TRUCK DRIVER TRAINING SCHOOL OF WHEEL AND BRAKE ADJUSTMENTS        
       1234 Loose Wheel Went That-a-Way                                   
       Toronto, Ontario, Canada 3M TA3                                    
                                                                          
       Name: ________________________________________________________     
       Address: _____________________________________________________     
       City: _____________________________ State/Prov. ______________     
       Zip/Postal Code: _____________________________________________     
                                                                          
       __ Yes, please enroll me in the Truck Driver School of Wheel       
          and Brake Adjustments! I want to become a legal killer as       
          soon as possible!                                               
                                                                          
       I am most interested in killing:                                   
          __ Spouse                                                       
          __ Aunt/Uncle                                                   
          __ Brother/Sister                                               
          __ Mailman or any Canada Post employee                          
          __ A cop                                                        
          __ Neighbour's dog who won't stop talking to me                 
          __ Elvis who is living as a transvestite in my garage           
          __ Random innocent victims                                      
          __ Anyone                                                       
          __ Everyone                                                     
                                                                          
       I have previous experience in the following methods of killing:    
          __ Shooting                                                     
          __ Knifing                                                      
          __ Drowning                                                     
          __ Stuffing peas up someone's nose to make them suffocate       
          __ Vehicular manslaughter (Yeah!)                               
          __ (fill in the blank) __________________________________       
                                                                          
       Do you have a valid driver's licence?                              
       __ Yes      __ No      __ Who cares?                               
                                                                          
       * This course has been disapproved by the Ontario Ministry of      
         Transport.                                                       
                                                                          
      ** The Truck Driver School of Wheel and Brake Adjustments           
         disclaims all liability from people who have received            
         this course.                                                     
Ĵ
                                                                          
       TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOUR LIFE IS THE MOST PATHETICALLY BORING     
       ONE ON EARTH                         (c)1995 Sandy Illes           
                                                                          
 10. In the school yearbook, the inscription under your name said         
     "Least likely to be wearing clean underwear."                        
  9. You've memorized the TV Guide.                                       
  8. You cheat playing Solitaire.                                         
  7. Your bowel movements make the front page of the local paper.         
  6. The only mail you receive is addressed to "Occupant."                
  5. Your blooms-once-in-a-lifetime plant bloomed while you were in the   
     bathroom.                                                            
  4. Your relatives don't talk to you but they think you look vaguely     
     familiar.                                                            
  3. You once took a bath but the police made you put it back.            
  2. You dry your hair by hanging it on the clothesline. <ouch>           
  1. Aliens are in contact with your pet but they won't bother talking    
     to you.                                                              
Ĵ
                                                                          
 Top Ten Ways To Tell If A Guy's Been Married  (c)1995 Sandy Illes        
                                                                          
 10. Knows how to defrost his own TV dinner.                              
  9. Knows that a washer is a required household item but is not          
     quite sure why.                                                      
  8. Can chug beer, watch sports, and say "Yes, dear" at the              
     same time.                                                           
  7. Is always surprised when a woman says yes to sex.                    
  6. Doesn't use the same brush for his teeth and his hair anymore.       
  5. Understands himself well enough to have hired a cleaning lady.       
  4. Hates lawyers and says "Over my dead body" a lot.                    
  3. Spends a whole day washing his car while, in the meantime, he        
     doesn't have one clean coffee mug in the house.                      
  2. Likes it when a girl calls him Snookums.                             
  1. Has matching socks that he never wears because they remind him       
     of his ex.                                                           
Ĵ
 JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES  
==========================================================================
       A rich guy and a poor guy were in a bar. After talking             
       for a while, they found that their wives had the same              
       birthday. The poor guy asked the rich guy, "What did               
       you get your wife for her birthday?" The rich guy said,            
       "A fur coat and a Rolls Royce." The poor guy said,                 
       "That's a pretty strange combination, why did you get              
       her both a coat and a car?"                                        
       The rich guy said, "Well, I figured if she didn't like             
       the fur coat, she could have a new car to drive it back            
       and exchange it for something else." Then the rich guy             
       asked the poor guy, "What did you get your wife for her            
       birthday?" The poor guy said, "Well, I don't have much             
       money, so I got her a bathrobe and a dildo." "A bathrobe           
       and a dildo?" the rich man asked. "Talk about weird                
       combinations... why did you get her a bathrobe and a               
       dildo?"                                                            
       The poor man replied, "Well, I figured if she didn't               
       like the bathrobe, she could go screw herself!"                    
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an           
       elevator operator?                                                 
       Someone who knocks on your door and tells you where to get         
       off.                                                               
                                                                          
       What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a            
       sex therapist?                                                     
       Someone who knocks on your door and tells you *how* to get         
       off.                                                               
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       A lady told her new maid, "I declare, I can write my full name     
       in the dust you've left on this piano."                            
       "Bless my soul," answered the maid with delight.  "It's sure       
       nice to be working for a lady with education!"                     
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       A sergeant looked over a squad of particularly inept draftees      
       and confessed, "I'm damned if I know what to do with you clumsy    
       goons."                                                            
       One of them piped up hopefully, "There's a big shade tree over     
       there, Sarge."                                                     
       "Yeah, I know," nodded the sergeant, "but I don't have any rope    
       with me."                                                          
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       It was little Johnny's first day in his new school and when        
       he obtained permission from his 2nd grade teacher to go to         
       the bathroom, he said he didn't know where it was. The             
       teacher said, "Turn left out the door, then right at the           
       next corridor; it's on your right."                                
                                                                          
       But when Johnny returned a few minutes later, he told the          
       teacher he'd been unable to find it. The teacher said,             
       "Well, I really don't know why, but Billy, would you please        
       show Johnny where the bathroom is?" So Billy and Johnny            
       went out the door.                                                 
                                                                          
       When they both returned a few minutes later, the teacher           
       commented, "Well, it's about time. I really don't know why         
       Johnny couldn't find it himself."                                  
                                                                          
       Billy said, "I do, Teacher. His undershorts were on backwards."    
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       Q.  What do you call Bob Hawke's goolies?                          
       A.  Blanched hazelnuts.                                            
                                                                          
       Explanations..                                                     
                                                                          
       Bob Hawke ........  Ex prime minister                              
                                                                          
       Hazel Hawke ......  Ex prime minister's wife                       
                                                                          
       Blanch D'Puge ....  Ex prime minister's new girlfriend.            
                                                                          
       goolies ..........  Important part of male anatomy.                
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's                           
hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything   
besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves   
and under trees.                                                          
                                                                          
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.                  
It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other          
buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the           
chimney, implying someone is home.                                        
                                                                          
He knocks on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the      
ground answers. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you       
want?"                                                                    
                                                                          
The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks                    
and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would           
be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house           
for tonight."                                                             
                                                                          
The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one                    
condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."                 
                                                                          
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I                  
promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way                  
tomorrow morning."                                                        
                                                                          
The old Chinese man counters, "Ok, but if I do catch you                  
then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever             
known to man."                                                            
                                                                          
"Ok, Ok," the man said as he entered the old house.                       
Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live             
out in the wilderness all her life?                                       
                                                                          
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after                    
showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was           
an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks,           
it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl         
had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and             
well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other                   
throughout the meal.                                                      
                                                                          
That night, the man sneaked into the girl's bedroom and                   
they had quite a time, but kept the noise down to a minimum.              
The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to               
himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that            
experience."                                                              
                                                                          
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight                    
on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on          
his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture             
test: 100 lb rock on your chest."                                         
                                                                          
 "What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as                
he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter            
and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another           
sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right           
testicle."                                                                
                                                                          
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to                    
be grabbed, jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the             
window was a  third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test:          
Left testicle tied to  bed post."                                         
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       What do Michael Jackson's boyfriends call him?                     
       Uncle.                                                             
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       "Mr. Simpson, did you kill your wife?"                             
       "Hell no, sir! She killed herself and then killed her friend!"     
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
 Apparently, Rita MacNeil found out she is infected with flesh-eating     
 bacteria. That's right, the same bacteria that did away Lucien           
 Bouchard's leg overnight. The doctors gave her only 15 years to live.    
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       Knock...Knock                                                      
                                                                          
       Who's there?                                                       
                                                                          
       Interrupting Cow                                                   
                                                                          
       Interrup..                                                         
                                                                          
       MOO!!!                                                             
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       The Lone Ranger and his trusty sidekick were riding through a      
       small town, and decided to stop in the local saloon for a drink.   
       The Lone Ranger noticed that his horse was a bit overheated,       
       so he asked his trusty sidekick a favor.                           
       "Tonto, I'm afraid Silver is a bit hot...might you cool him for    
       me?"                                                               
       Tonto says, "Of course, Kemosabe, but how?"                        
       "Just run around him in circles to fan him off."                   
       So the 'Ranger leaves his trusty sidekick and goes in for a        
       drink.                                                             
       A few minutes later, a cowboy approaches him and asks, "Excuse     
       me, sir, but do you know who owns that beautiful silver horse      
       out front?"                                                        
      "I do," replies the 'Ranger.                                        
      "Well, sir, you've left your injun running."                        
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       Consider the case of the hen that observed the undisciplined       
       behavior of her youngest chick with obvious disapproval. "If       
       your father could see you now," she cackled disgustedly,           
       "he'd turn over in his gravy."                                     
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
 Q: What's the rarest food in Ethiopia?                                   
 A: After dinner mints.                                                   
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
 Ethiopian woman and Yoko Ono?  Both live off dead Beatles.               
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       Have you heard of the new Jeffery Dahmer shampoo?                  
       Heads and Shoulders.                                               
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       A woman walks into a police station.                               
                                                                          
       Woman: I've been graped! I've been graped!                         
       Cop: Don't you mean raped?                                         
       Woman: (pauses) No, there was a bunch of them.                     
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
    A man was arrested one night for running across Red Square yelling    
    "Khrushchev is a fool! Khrushchev is a fool!"                         
    He was arrested and given 10 years - 5 for slandering the leader, and 
    5 for revealing a state secret.                                       
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
    On a bright, warm spring day, somewhere on Vancouver Island a         
    certain resident of East Indian origin was shaking his rug on         
    his front porch.                                                      
    A passerby saw him, couldn't help himself and blurted, "What is the   
    problem? Can't get it started?"                                       
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
 Interesting statistic from Harper's Index:                               
                                                                          
 Between 1980 and 1990, eleven Americans were killed as a result          
 of shaking vending machines which then fell on them.  Of those           
 eleven people killed, all of them were members of the US Armed           
 Forces.                                                                  
                                                                          
 The Few... The Proud... the Squashed Flat As a Pancake for a Lousy       
 Snickers Bar...                                                          
                                                                          
 We Get Squashed Flatter Before 8am Than Most People Do All Day           
                                                                          
 Be As Flat as You Can Be in The Army..                                   
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
 Mary Poppins gives up being a nanny and retires to the west coast        
 of the United States.  She becomes bored and opens up a small            
 detective agency specializing in solving crimes using her psychic        
 ability and strong nose.                                                 
 She opened a small space on Hollywood Boulevard and posted her sign      
 proudly. It read:                                                        
                                                                          
          Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.                       
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN......                               
                                                                          
       Q  A goldfish and a mountain goat?                                 
       A  One mucks around in fountains.                                  
                                                                          
       Q  A magician's wand and a policeman's baton?                      
       A  One is used for cunning stunts.                                 
                                                                          
       Q  A cross eyed archer and a constipated owl?                      
       A   One shoots but can't hit.                                      
                                                                          
       Q  A Swiss admiral and a reliable vacuum cleaner?                  
       A  One sucks and sucks and never fails.                            
                                                                          
       Q  A war horse and a draught horse?                                
       A  One darts into the fray.                                        
                                                                          
       Q  A good girl and a nice girl?                                    
       A  A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks but            
          the nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers.           
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
       Clinton Condoms:  ONE will screw an entire nation.                 
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
 A man died and went to hell. When he got there, he was led to a room     
 that turned out to be a parochial school classroom. The meanest          
 battle axe of a nun then came to the front of the room and ordered       
 the man to sit up straight and listen. From time the man would           
 slouch in his seat or doze off, and every such time the nun would        
 rap the man's knuckles. Also, from time to time the nun would            
 interrupt her lecture and order the man to repeat what he had heard.     
 If he forgot anything, she would rap his knuckles and berate him.        
                                                                          
 After several days of this, the man got up, left the room, and           
 demanded to see the devil in charge. "How long does this have to         
 go on?" he demanded.                                                     
                                                                          
 "Forever."                                                               
                                                                          
 "Can't I be thrown in a fiery pit instead?" he asked.                    
                                                                          
 "No."                                                                    
                                                                          
 "I thought hell was fire and brimstone--not Catholic school!"            
                                                                          
 "For some people, but not you."                                          
                                                                          
 "But why me?"                                                            
                                                                          
 Finally the devil explained: "You have to go back to that room           
 and stay there forever for that nun.  You see, she's in Heaven."         
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       So one day, 'Six-gun' Sol ambles into town on his trusty           
       steed and reins in at the saloon. Eight days on that               
       dusty old Audit Trail had left Sol with a mighty powerful          
       thirst.                                                            
                                                                          
       Hours pass, and after negotiating the price of several             
       whiskeys, Sol decides it's time to ride on. He shuffles            
       out into the street, only to find that someone has painted         
       his horse's balls bright yellow.                                   
                                                                          
       'Six-gun' Sol turns on (and picks up) a dime, and barges           
       back into the saloon.                                              
                                                                          
       "So, who deh hell's deh funny guy what's painted my horse's        
       balls yallow?" demands Sol.                                        
                                                                          
       Well, the biggest, hairiest, meanest, dirtiest, ugliest,           
       baddest man in the west steps forward, eyes wild with              
       psychopathic frenzy, and looking waaaay down at Sol says,          
       "I did!  What about it, pipsqueak?"                                
                                                                          
       Sol looks back at him steelily (?) and answers, "I just            
       thought you'd like to know dat deh first coat is dry now!"         
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       The little Russian girl answered the door, and a man asked         
       to see her father. "I'm sorry, he's not home," she replied,        
       "but he'll be back in eight hours, forty minutes and               
       twenty-three seconds." "How can you be so exact?" "He's            
       orbiting the earth," she said.  "He's a cosmonaut."                
                                                                          
       "How about your mother?" "No, she's not here either."              
       "When will she be back?" "Who knows?" answered the girl.           
       "She went to buy bread."                                           
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       The press, interviewing Senator Kennedy, asked the Senator,        
       "Weren't you concerned that your nephew may have been              
       convicted for rape?"                                               
                                                                          
       To which the Senator replied, "The family decided we'd drive       
       off that bridge when we came to it."                               
---------------------------------------------------------------------     
                                                                          
       How can you tell the virgin at an <insert ethnic group of          
       your choice> wedding?                                              
       She's the one who isn't pregnant.                                  
                                                                          

