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A SKEIN IS ONLY 360 FEET
  by Greg Borek
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  "Boss! Hey, boss! Got a minute?"
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  "Well, I . . ."
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  "That's great, that's great! Listen to this. Knock your socks off.
The boys in research were playing around with a "CHKDSK" file. You
know, one of those fruit-loopy "FILE0000.CHK" files CHKDSK.COM makes
from the lost scraps on a hard disk. Following?"
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  "I, uh, . . ."
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  "That's great. Now Binkleman, . . . you know, Binkleman? The weird 
one Studman hired? Nothing to look at, but a brilliant, diseased 
mind. Anyway Binkleman says he's always suspected that there was some 
sort of pattern to these files. Paranoia in capital letters or what? 
So guess what he does?"
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  "Did he . . .?"
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  "No, even worse. He starts playing around with the bits in the 
file: shifting every other character 24 bits left, the other 
characters 18 bits right, subtracting 27, and passing the result 
through a substitution cypher using "peach flavored werewolves" as 
the key. Scoobey-do, guess what he comes up with? Listen:

        *Now is the winter of our discontent
        *Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
        *And all the clouds that . . .

  "Know what that is?"
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  "Well that's . . ."
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  "Gibberish, I know. Rechecking his work, he realized he should only
be shifting every other character only 22 bits, not 24. Wow! What
a bonehead play! Guess what he comes up with then? I'll read it:

        *To be, or not to be, that is the question;
        *Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
        *The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune . . .

  "And stuff like that. It goes on for pages and pages."
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  "Why that's . . ."
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  "I know, I know . . . a complete waste of time. I told him, 
`Lad, you're barking.'  A bit strong I know, but one must be firm 
with the young ones or they don't learn. He went off and started in 
a completely new direction based on . . . guess what?"
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  "I couldn't . . ."
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  "That's right, a 4th order Bessel function. Great guess. Wrong, 
of course, but wonderful potential this Binkleman. Multiplying each
byte by the Permeability of Free Space, 4 * 10e-7 Wb/Am, then
dividing by the speed of light times absolute zero C yielded . . .
guess what? Come on, guess? Listen:

        *2 cups flour 3 egg whites
        *6 oz. butter 3-1/2 oz. granulated sugar
        *1 pinch salt 1 qt. fresh blueberries
        *3 egg yolks

        Preheat the oven to 375. Mix all the ingredients . . .

   ". . . and so on, including serving instructions and nutritional
information. Might as well be a Crime Bill. Nonsense at it's worse.
What do you make of that, huh?"
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  "Quite a . . ."
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  "Yes, other than a recipe for a rather yummy blueberry pie, 
complete gibberish. Can you believe the things these guys will come 
up with?"
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  "Only a . . ."
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  "Now don't be to hard on him. I might have made the same mistake
myself in my younger days on one of those nights when I lost yet
another drinking competition. But here is where the story gets
interesting. I got involved. I knew the answer to this conundrum
was not far off. `Use your brain, not your fingers, Binkleman,' I
said. What would be a likely thing to try next?"
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  "If you ca. . ."
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  "Calcium tetraborate, CaB4O7! Yes, that's exactly what I thought 
at first, but I made the same mistake. See it? No? Well, when we did
it the wrong way we got:

        *Children below the age of 7 should use the 
        *microwave with a supervising person very near 
        *to them. Between the ages of 7 and 12, the supervising 
        *person should be in the same room.

        *The child must be able to reach the oven comfortably; 
        *if not, he/she should stand on a sturdy stool.

        *At no time should anyone be allowed to lean or swing on 
        *the oven door . . . 

  "See the flaw in the equation? A square hectometer is only 
2.471044 acres U.S. but 2.471058 acres British. When we put in the 
correct value the answer plopped out right in our laps, without so 
much as a "By your leave". We got something clear as the lint in 
your bellybutton. Ready?"
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  "I could . . ."
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  "No, this is really hot! Listen to this, if you can:

        *People of Earth. Your puny planet is about to invaded 
        *by the infintely superior forces of the HotCrossedBuns 
        *Star Empire. Resistence is futile. Make peace with 
        *whatever deity you worship. You have only until 1 February 
        *1995, Earth date, where the first icing and raspberry sauce 
        *ships will land in Taledo, Ohio, USA . . .
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  "Taledo? I . . ."
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  "Damn. You're right. Taledo's spelled wrong. I must of screwed up
the math. Shit, I thought I rechecked my math. I must look like a
real Herbert. Sorry to waste your time like this."

                               {DREAM}
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Copyright 1995 Greg Borek, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.[1;40;31m
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Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" -- but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Greg can be reached
via e-mail at: gborek@dreamforge.com[1;40;31m
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 Being gloomy is easier than being cheerful.  Anybody can say
 "I've got cancer" and get a rise out of a crowd.  But how many of
 us can do five minutes of good stand-up comedy?  - P.J. O'Rourke
                                                
