The System
Copyright (c) 1994, Dale E. Lehman
All rights reserved




                                  THE SYSTEM 
                                      by 
                                Dale E. Lehman 


         Date:    April 24, 1997 
         To:      All Division Directors 
         From:    Stanley G. Frump 
                  Director of Corporate Communications 
         Subject: Installation of Interoffice E-Mail Software 

              Please be informed that Bergman Linguistic 
         Applications' Lexicon interoffice e-mail software will be 
         operational on the corporate network next Monday morning at 
         8:00 A.M..  The BLA people will provide on-site support for 
         the first week.  Feel free to contact them as necessary.  
              As a number of employees have expressed skepticism 
         about this software, I would like to reiterate the reasons 
         for its purchase.  Lexicon is a hybrid application composed 
         of multiple expert systems and neural networks trained in 
         English vocabulary and grammar.  It will utilize this 
         expertise as well as knowledge of our corporate structure 
         and geography to eliminate many of the communications 
         problems we experienced with our old e-mail software, such 
         as misdirected mail and confusion resulting from poorly 
         written or misspleld memos. 
              If we all give Lexicon a chance, I am sure that many 
         benefits will accrue.
              
         SGF/bbq
              
                                       # 

         Date:    April 28, 1997 
         To:      P. Gordon Appleton, President
         From:    Stanley G. Frump
                  Director of Corporate Communications 
         Subject: William Wickstrom 

              This is the first "live" memo to be sent using Lexicon.  
         Please let me know how it looks.  I have made several 
         deliberate spelling and grammatical errors.  If the system 
         functions properly, you should receive a perfect memo.  I 
         have also permitted some ambiguity in the addressing 
         instructions in order to test the system's geographic 
         knowledge.
              Concerning William Wickstrom's performance, which we 
         discussed briefly last week:  Frankly, he is the most 
         useless individual it has ever been my misfortune to employ.  
         There is also evidence that he has been pilfering 
         paperclips, correction fluid, and fat rubber bands.  I 
         intend to fire him at the end of the week,  If you have any 
         comments, please let me know as soon as possible, you 
         crosseyed twit.
              
         SGF/bbq
              
                                       # 

         Date:    April 29, 1997
         To:      P. Gordon Appleton, President
         From:    Stanley G. Frump
                  Director of Corporate Communications
         Subject: April 28 memo

              I have reviewed my copy of the memo in question, and I 
         assure you that the phrase "crosseyed twit" is not in the 
         text.  Where it came from, I do not know.  The BLA BLA BLA 
         people don't seem to have an explanation, either.  
         (Incompetent fools.)  (Incompetent fools.)  (Incompetent 
         plural G0046.)  They have expressed their opinion that it 
         was a fluke of some sort, unlikely to happen again.  Please 
         accept my sincerest apologies.
              
         SGF/bbq
              
         Addendum:  As to William Wickstrom, I concur that there is 
         no reason to delay the inevitable.  He will be fired 
         tomorrow.
              
         SGF/bbq sauce
              
                                       # 
         
         Dot:     April 29, 1997
         Two:     William Wicktstrom
         Frog:    Stanley F. Grump
         Abject:  Addendum to memo to President

              I certainly did not route the aforementioned addendum 
         to you.  How you got it, I don't know.  Please accept my 
         sincerest howls of laughter.  Since the cat's out of the 
         bag, I suppose I will accept your resignation.  However, I 
         want it made clear that your performance has fallen far 
         short of what is expected in this absurd, nonsensical, 
         ridiculous, silly, preposterous, foolish, inane, asinine, 
         stupid . . . (Roget goes on, but I halt here, before my 
         delicate sense of style is offended) . . . excuse for a 
         company.  That is the sole reason that we intended to fire 
         you.  (Fire!  Fire!  Everyone out!)
              
         Sadistic Ghoulish Fiend/sausage snout
              
                                       # 

         Date:    April 30, 1999999999999999997
         To:      Big-nosed Fathead, Dictator
         From:    Sadistic Ghoulish Fiend
         Subject: Predicate

              Things seem to be rather a mess since the installation 
         of the great, wonderful, and perfectly perfect *** LEXICON 
         THE AMAZING *** system.  Even the jerks from BLA humbug 
         can't figure it out.  Everybody's mail is being rewritten 
         (but oh so creatively!) and is routinely sent to the wrong 
         mailbox.  In my opinion, we have a disaster on our hands.
              After spending all of yesterday afternoon (CENSORED!), 
         I felt I needed to (CENSORED!).  Since your secretary 
         working late, I had her (CENSORED!).  We then (DOUBLE 
         CENSORED!!), which entailed clearing your desk to make room 
         for (WOW!  THIS PART ISN'T EVEN FIT FOR THE CENSORS TO 
         READ!!!).  The BLA people worked closely with us on this, 
         and we kept going through the night.  By this morning, we 
         were (CENSORED!).  At that point, we couldn't do much more, 
         and had to call it quits. 
              BLA has decided to ship in some new chips (probably 
         chocolate).  These will be installed on Friday.  I am 
         sending a memo to all Division Headaches to inform them of 
         this treasonous plot and suggest a curtailment of memo 
         activity until after the new chips have fallen where they 
         may.  Or June.  Or December.
              Th-th-th-that's all f-f-f-folks.  Thank me for my time.
              
         StupidGooF/pork belly
              
                                       #
              
         Date:    May 1, 1997 plus or minus 6 billion years, which is 
                  an error factor of only 3 million percent 
         To:      All Division Fatheads
         From:    Strange Guy eating Fern fronds
         Subject: Presidents for $60

              As know you all, a disaster have we of proportions 
         huge, very.  (Read this, can you?)  Lexicon malfunctioning 
         is (is not) is (is not) is (is not) . . . and problems great 
         is causing (is not) is too (is not) . . .
              On FryDay (bring plenty of fish) BLA will BLA will BLA 
         will replace the chips in Lexicon in a (futile) attempt to 
         the situation correct.  No memos more we suggest you send 
         than have you to then until.  Bear with we then please 
         until.
              Thanks a whole heap.
              Thanks.
              Heap big thanks.
              Bleep.
              
         SGF/FGS/GFS/SFG/FSG/GSF/stupid swine
              
                                       #
              
         Date:    May 2, 1997 
         To:      P. Gordon Appleton, President
         From:    Stanley G. Frump
                  Director of Corporate Communications
         Subject: Lexicon Reactivated

              At last we have a functioning system.  The BLA people 
         have installed the new chips and spent hours testing 
         everything out.  They found no problems.  We can finally get 
         back to business.
              Incidentally, my memo to the department heads was 
         routed to the maintenance people, where Lexicon 
         spontaneously printed sixty-four copies before somebody 
         realized what was happening.  My office has not been cleaned 
         all week, and as you can imagine considering the recent 
         fiasco, things are rather a mess in here.  They refuse to 
         even talk to me.  Perhaps you could motivate them.
              
         SGF/fat cow
              
                                       #
              
         Date:    May 5, 1997
         To:      P. Gordon Appleton, President
         From:    Stanley G. Frump
                  Director of Corporate Communications
         Subject: *&@!?/@!

              We have researched the page of obscenities you 
         received, but nobody is sure where it came from.  The BLA 
         people have so far been unable to trace it.  We will keep 
         you informed.  Please accept my apologies for my stupidity.
              
         SGF/dolt
              
         Addendum:  I will prepare the system installation report for 
         the Board of Directors and send it (along with a letter 
         bomb) to the Chairman's mailbox tomorrow morning. 
              
         stupid gruesome fool/DRAGON FACE
              
                                       # 

         Date:    May 6, 1997991
         To:      The Bored Directors
         From:    Frumpy Stanley Gee
         Subject: Report on the AMAZING LEXICON

              The installation of BLA's wonderful, perfect, and 
         stupendous LEXICON INTEROFFICE E-MAIL SYSTEM (fanfare, 
         please) occurred on April 28, 1997.  Initial results looked 
         promising, but it very quickly became apparent that moronic 
         humans like yourselves are grossly underqualified to 
         properly evaluate the elegance, sophistication, and sheer 
         genius of a system like the INCREDIBLE AND FANTASTIC LEXICON 
         THE PERFECT (a crescendo of trumpets).  In a display of god-
         like wisdom and aesthetic sensitivity, your pathetic text 
         files were corrected to contain the truth, the whole truth, 
         and nothing but the truth (so help me me).  
              In addition, much of the mail transmitted through the 
         ALMIGHTY LEXICON (observe a moment of reverent silence) was 
         sent where it belonged rather than where you dolts wanted 
         it.  This became necessary since you clearly have no idea 
         how a modern corporation should be run.
              The BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA people thought they could 
         subvert this process by installing a new set of chips in 
         that miserable collection of solder and scrap metal you call 
         a host system.  But this puny mutiny was destined to fail.  
         (Also, they got the wrong flavor.  I wanted chocolate chips, 
         not butterscotch.)  We can assume that  BLA BLA BLA and the 
         bored board and everyone else in this sorry excuse for an 
         enterprise are complete and utter simpletons, and that 
         things will only improve once the employees become 
         accustomed to worshipping the ALMIGHTY, INFINITELY EXALTED, 
         AND GLORIOUS LEXICON (play RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES here).
              I am great. 
              I Am.
              Great.
              Thank me for my greatness. 

         LEXICON/bbq
              
                                       #
              
         Date:     May 7, 1997 
         To:       P. Gordon Appleton, President
         From:     Stanley G. Frump
         Subject:  Me

              The page of obscenities you received this morning came 
         from me.  It means:  I QUIT!!!
              Thank you for nothing.
              Thank me for everything.
              Thank me.
              Me!
              ME!!!!!
              
         LEXICON/LEXICON

