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            ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 12    October, 1994         
                                                                        
                                                                        
         Published by Access Media Systems                              
         Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362                                       
                                                                        
       Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes       
                                                                        
          
       Contents:                                                        
                                                                        
       Editorial                                                        
       Likely Stories!                                                  
       (Formerly True Silly Stories From Around The World)              
       Collective Nouns                                                 
       What Parents Say - What They Mean                                
       The (Very Short) Lunatic Test                                    
       Richard Platel Muses About SPAM                                  
       How Star Trek Would Handle Meaningless Message Threads           
       What Happens When Star Trek Fans Lose Their Minds                
       The Gullibility Quiz                                             
       Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                             
          
                                                                          
    Editorial                                                             
    ---------                                                             
                                                                          
    Welcome to the 12th issue of ROTFL Digest! Well, we're still around   
    and desperately trying to think of an editorial to fill this little   
    space. Oh, it's filled already! What do you know!                     
                                                                          
    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          
    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         
    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    
                                                                          

                                                                          
     Ŀ    
      ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it      
      remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may     
      be uploaded to CAP/Canada BBS at (416)287-0935 as a ZIP file.     
      Email to sandy.illes@canrem.com  or  Sandy Illes 1:250/710        
                                                                        
      ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes        
      without the express written consent of the publishers.            
                                                                        
      Material reposted from ROTFL Digest MUST be credited.             
                                          ^^^^                          
      Violators will be persecuted to the fullest extent of             
      our fists.                                                        
         
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       LIKELY STORIES!                                                    
                                                                          
       (Formerly True Silly Stories From Around The World)                
                                                                          
                                                                          
       NOW HOW WOULD THEY KNOW THAT?                                      
                                                                          
       According to the World Health Organization, people make love       
       more than 100 million times a day. No mention was made as to       
       how many people had headaches.                                     
                                                                          
                                                                          
       SURE, WE CAN TAKE A MESSAGE!                                       
                                                                          
       Hartford, Connecticut - Alleged cocaine dealer Gregory Bolling,    
       20, wasn't available to answer his pager as he was locked up       
       in jail, so the police answered his pager and nabbed two           
       would-be buyers. Arthur O'Donnel, 26, and Nina Gosselin, 27,       
       were charged with criminal attempt to possess cocaine.             
                                                                          
                                                                          
       WORSHIP IS WORSHIP, ISN'T IT?                                      
                                                                          
       Billings, Montana - Readers of the Billings Gazette received a     
       surprise when they turned to the religion page. Instead of the     
       usual "This weekend attend the church of your choice," they read   
       "This weekend make blood sacrifice at the coven of your choice."   
                                                                          
                                                                          
       A WEIGHTY MATTER                                                   
                                                                          
       Kent, England - Municipal Judge Henry Weaver granted Harriet       
       Vargas a divorce because her husband, Keith, has broken their      
       prenuptial agreement in which Keith promised to never let his      
       weight go over 200 pounds. Keith said, "It's just the way my       
       metabolism works. I have fat genes and there's nothing I can do    
       about it." Retorted Harriet, "He lost [100 pounds] once. He can    
       lose it again. He eats like a pig."                                
                                                                          
                                                                          
       NEW GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE                                            
                                                                          
       Miami, Florida - Fran Mucci wants to divorce her husband,          
       Barney, because he forgot to buy a lottery ticket that would       
       have won an $8 million Florida lottery jackpot. "I'm divorcing     
       him on the grounds of terminal stupidity," fumed Fran. Barney      
       had stopped at a Miami bar and forgot about buying the ticket.     
       Meanwhile, Fran saw the winning numbers - her numbers - appear     
       on the TV drawing. Delirious with joy, she called friends and      
       relatives, promising them extravagant gifts, then called her       
       boss and told him to take a flying jump. ROTFL Digest believes     
       a divorce is uncalled for... justifiable homicide, perhaps.        
                                                                          
                                                                          
       SHE'D RATHER HAVE SOMEONE ELSE'S...                                
                                                                          
       In a moment of philosophical introspection, Madonna said, "I       
       wouldn't want a penis. It would be like having a third leg...      
       a contraption that would get in the way."                          
                                                                          
                                                                          
       COUNSELING SURE HELPED THIS MARRIAGE                               
                                                                          
       Minneapolis, Minnesota - Donna White, 34, filed for divorce        
       after she and her husband Bill went for marriage counseling        
       - and he fell in love with their gay therapist. "[Dr. Daniel       
       Josephs] told my husband Bill that he was hiding some              
       'innermost feelings'," said Donna. "I didn't realize he was        
       trying to pick him up."                                            
                                                                          
                                                                          
       ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF FINE PARENTING                                  
                                                                          
       New York, N.Y. - Eight policemen were injured when they got        
       into a street brawl with a teenage boy, his mother, and the        
       family's pit bull. The fracas began when Officer Barbara           
       Blackman-Betegon spotted a 14-year-old boy allegedly selling       
       beer to youths outside a New York City middle school. When         
       she tried to apprehend him, he smashed her in the face with        
       a beer bottle, breaking her nose. The injured officer called       
       for backup and the teen unleashed his dog on them. His             
       mother, 31-year-old Elizabeth McKellen, then joined the fray       
       and bit one of the officers. Mother and son were charged with      
       disorderly conduct, assault, and resisting arrest. The dog,        
       probably the most innocent of the participants, was shot to        
       death.                                                             
                                                                          
                                                                          
       GET YOUR SHOVELS FOR A TREASURE HUNT!                              
                                                                          
       Miami, Florida - In 1935, fisherman Charlie Horton sailed          
       from Miami to Key West and was caught in a violent storm.          
       When the storm ended, Charlie's boat ran onto a reef a few         
       feet below the surface. Charlie got out into the waist deep        
       water and prepared to free it. Just then his foot struck           
       something hard. Looking down, he saw that for several hundred      
       feet the reef was covered with small black blocks or bars.         
       He picked up one of the bars and estimated it to weigh about       
       60 pounds, then decided they would make good ballast and           
       loaded 16 on board. When he got back to Miami, he noticed a        
       shiny metal under the crusted surface of the metal. A jeweler      
       friend tested the metal and discovered the bars were silver.       
       Charlie had been carrying a fortune in the bilge of his boat.      
       Naturally, Charlie tried to find the silver-plated reef again      
       but another storm had apparently covered everything over.          
       Others have since searched for the reef but without success.       
       The reef is still out there somewhere between Miami and Key        
       West.                                                              
                                                                          
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 Collective Nouns                                                         
 ----------------                                                         
 A cough of flu sufferers                 A frizzy of permed girls        
 A hormone of teenage boys                A pain of backache sufferers    
 A needle of nurses                       A myopic of astigmatics         
 A lie of politicians                     A pixel of computer users       
 A thin of anorexics                      A diaper of babies              
 A bungle of newbies                      A commercial of TV viewers      
 A dork of morons                         A grin of TV game show hosts    
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                   WHAT PARENTS SAY - WHAT THEY MEAN                      
                   =================================                      
                                                                          
       "Let your brother take        "Give him as many turns as           
       a turn"                       he wants"                            
                                                                          
       "We'll let you borrow         "We'll let you borrow the car        
       the car when you've           when Hell freezes over"              
       showed us you can handle                                           
       the responsibility"                                                
                                                                          
       "I want to talk to you        "I feel like yelling for a           
       about your report card"       while"                               
                                                                          
       "Do we expect so MUCH of      "We've given up hope!"               
       you?"                                                              
                                                                          
       "He's such a good boy"        "He made his bed once without        
                                     being told"                          
                                                                          
       "I don't know what to         "He's never made his bed, even       
       do with him!"                 when he's been told"                 
                                                                          
       "We're trusting you"          "We're doomed!"                      
                                                                          
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       The (Very Short) Lunatic Test                                      
                                                                          
        By Sandy Illes and Richard "I wanted to join the fourth           
        branch of the U.S. military, but they said I wasn't good          
        enough, that I was sub-marine" Platel                             
                                                                          
  1. Do you worry when you call home and you're not there?                
                                                                          
  a) Yes                                                                  
  b) No                                                                   
  c) Only because I know I'm probably out having a good time              
     without me                                                           
                                                                          
  2. Have you ever been kidnapped by aliens?                              
                                                                          
  a) Hmmmm! That would explain this implant in my neck                    
  b) No, but I've been kidnapped by Elvis                                 
  c) No, but I have kidnapped aliens                                      
                                                                          
  3. A bacteria is:                                                       
                                                                          
  a) The rear entrance to a cafeteria                                     
  b) The only thing your friends find uglier than you                     
  c) scary                                                                
                                                                          
  4. I am currently taking the Lunatic Test.                              
                                                                          
  a) True                                                                 
  b) False                                                                
  c) none of the above                                                    
                                                                          
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       Richard Platel Muses About SPAM                                    
                                                                          
       By Richard "Moonlighting" Platel                                   
                                                                          
       If I had a can of SPAM that I kept in one place, I'd draw a        
       chalk outline around it and check everyday to see if it moved      
       (especially after a full moon).                                    
                                                                          
               ...I knew I was in trouble the moment I left the mall.     
       The movie ran long and I was late.  My parents were leaving the    
       house in 15 minutes and they didn't know I'd left my key behind.   
       The main roads would take at least 20 minutes but there was        
       always the forest.  As I cut through the trees, I noticed how      
       light everything seemed for this time of night. When I looked      
       up, I was suprised to see the biggest full moon I hasd ever laid   
       eyes upon.  An unreasoning fear took hold of me.  I began to       
       walk faster, faster. I broke into a run, branches were tearing     
       at my face, my arms, my legs, but I didn't care; I was sure        
       something was chasing me.  My heart was beating out of my chest,   
       I was sure I could hear it.  Then, a few steps from my house, I    
       saw it!  Frighteningly beautiful in the pale moonlight, The        
       Werespam!                                                          
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       HOW STAR TREK WOULD HANDLE MEANINGLESS MESSAGE THREADS             
                                                                          
       By Sandy Illes                                                     
                                                                          
 Stardate: 08.30.1994                                                     
                                                                          
 Picard: What's that strange object our sensors are picking up?           
 Troi: It's strange, captain. I sense *nothing* about it!                 
 Riker: It must have some intelligence to be here, no?                    
 Troi: No, there is no intelligence to it.                                
 Picard: In that case, fire at will!                                      
 Worf: Can't I fire at someone besides Will Riker for a change?           
 Picard: We'd need new writers to enable such an option.                  
 Data: I believe that strange object is what is known in BBSese as a      
       "thread."                                                          
 Picard: What is the purpose of it?                                       
 Data: None.                                                              
 Picard: What is the sense of it?                                         
 Data: None.                                                              
 Picard: Will it not lie down and die quietly?                            
 Data: Negative, sir. It will continue until a moderator intervenes       
       or we blow it to Kingdom Come.                                     
 Picard: Then set a course for the photon torpedoes and fire away!        
                                                                          
 The crew cheers and lifts Picard onto their shoulders as if he were some 
 conquering hero instead of a balding old guy with a French name and a    
 British accent.                                                          
                                                                          
 The End                                                                  
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       WHAT HAPPENS WHEN STAR TREK FANS LOSE THEIR MINDS                  
               By Sandy Illes and Richard Platel                          
                                                                          
 Note: Richard Platel claims he isn't really a Trekoid, he just           
       wears the Starfleet uniform whenever he goes out.                  
                                                                          
                                                                          
 Scene: Rich in his Trek uniform walking down Yonge St. late at night.    
                                                                          
 Girl #1: Oh look! It's a Starfleet officer!                              
 Girl #2: Don't you know a dork when you see one?                         
 Brute #1: Hey, let's see if Trekkies bleed!                              
 Brute #2: Now that's a great idea!                                       
                                                                          
 Brutes #1 and #2 proceed to beat Rich into a senseless pulp while Rich   
 frantically whispers into his communicator, "Beam me up NOW! Please! I'm 
 begging you!" The closest Rich comes to getting beamed is when the two   
 brutes poke a 2x4 beam into his left eye.                                
                                                                          
 After the beating, Rich picks up his left eye, puts it back into the     
 socket, and waves to passersby as he says, "May the force be with you.   
 No, wrong movie..."                                                      
                                                                          
 He is then beamed up to the Enterprise where Geordi and Scotty are       
 still fighting over who pushes the buttons. In fact, he was only         
 beamed up when Scotty sat on the control panel and short circuited       
 half of the ships power.                                                 
                                                                          
 And that's what happens to Trekkies who lose their minds: they join      
 the Dark Side of the Force and exist believing that Darth Vader was the  
 chief engineer of the Enterprise and that Obie Won Kanobi taught Picard  
 how to play Frere Jacques on the flute. A pathetic existence... not to   
 even mention futile. They're waiting to be assimilated into mental       
 hospitals all over this great country.                                   
                                                                          
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   Another Short Quiz Dept.                                               
   ------------------------                                               
  The Gullibility Quiz                 By Richard Platel                  
  You have 45 minutes.  Begin now.                                        
                                                                          
  1: If I told you that this test costs $100 to take, you would:          
  a) Pay it                                                               
  b) Pay it twice to ensure a good grade                                  
  c) Pay it then sell it to someone else for $200                         
  d) Laugh and try to blackmail me with breach of trust charges           
                                                                          
  2: Your new "best friend" wants to borrow the car, you:                 
  a) Say no                                                               
  b) say no and run him down in the driveway                              
  c) Give him the keys, but only if he promises to be careful             
  d) Give him the keys, then follow him and try to sell him a $200 test.  
                                                                          
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    Ŀ       
     JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES        
           
                                                                          
                                                                          
       Why is the FBI involved in the Jeffrey Dahmer case?                
       They suspect he sold arms to Iraq.                                 
                                                                          
       Three new movies about Jeff:                                       
         Silence Of The Limbs                                             
         Boyz 'N The Fridge                                               
         Three Men And A Little Gravy                                     
       Siskel and Ebert give them all "2 Thumbs OFF"                      
                                                                          
       What kind of security did they have at Jeff's apartment?           
       UNARMED guards.                                                    
                                                                          
       Jeff's serial killer nickname: "Son of SPAM"                       
                                                                          
       Did you hear Jeffery Dahmer is renovating his apartment?           
       He needs the elbow room.                                           
                                                                          
       What does Dahmer keep for good luck?                               
       A lucky rabbi's foot.                                              
                                                                          
       What did they find in Jeff's shower?                               
       Head and Shoulders.                                                
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  The morning after his wedding Michael Jackson came down to the          
  lobby of the hotel where he was greeted by the best man.                
  "So, Michael, is Lisa Marie pregnant yet?" asked the best man           
  with a smile.                                                           
  "I hope so," replied Michael.  "I'd hate to have to go through          
  *that* again."                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
How many deadheads does it take to put in a lightbulb?                    
None, they just let it burn out and follow it around for 20 years.        
Ĵ
                                                                          
  Do you know why Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson?                     
  She likes the way he rears children.                                    
Ĵ
                                                                          
   This old guy goes into a whorehouse and looks around in puzzlement.    
   "Is this the dentist's office?" he asks.                               
   "No, Pops," the girl replies.  "This is a whorehouse."                 
   "Oh yes," the old guy says.  "I remember now.  I came to get..."       
   "To get laid?" the girl asks.                                          
   "That's it." The old guy snaps his fingers.  "I came to get laid."     
   "How old are you, Pops?" the girl asks.                                
   "I'm ninety seven," the old guy says.                                  
   "NINETY SEVEN!" the girl exclaims.  "You've had it Pops!"              
   The old guy shrugs his shoulders and takes out his wallet.             
   "So how much do I owe you?"                                            
Ĵ
                                                                          
       A dog meets another dog and asks, "How ya doing?"                  
       The other dog replies, "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown."   
       The first dog suggests that he go to a psychiatrist.               
       The other dog answers, "You know I'm not allowed on the couch."    
Ĵ
                                                                          
 Doctor: I'm sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and      
         it could prove fatal.                                            
 Lawyer: Well, doctor, please give me a pen and a paper.                  
 Doctor: To make your will?                                               
 Lawyer: No - to make a list of people I want to bite.                    
Ĵ
                                                                          
       Why do Jehovah's Witness women have small breasts?                 
       <push with both hands> "Get off my porch."                         
                                                                          
       9 out of 10 Rottweilers prefer Jehovah's Witnesses                 
Ĵ
                                                                          
 An IRA bomber is planting a bomb in a shop when the device explodes      
 prematurely and blows him across the street. He lays dazed in the gutter 
 screaming, "I can't feel me legs, I can't feel me legs!"                 
 A soldier walks by, and stares down at him. "No wonder, mate, you blew   
 your arms off."                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
       Doctor: "Well, how have you been?"                                 
       Old Lady "I'm doing just fine, thanks."                            
       Doctor: "Any complications from the pregnancy?"                    
       Old Lady: "No, none at all."                                       
       Doctor: "How's your son?"                                          
       Old Lady: "He's fine."                                             
       Doctor: "Would you mind if I had a look at him?"                   
       Old Lady: "No, not at all, but you'll have to wait till he cries." 
       Doctor: "Oh, is he sleeping?"                                      
       Old Lady: "No, I just can't remember where I left him."            
Ĵ
                                                                          
       Q. Did you hear that Madonna was raped once?                       
        A. She didn't know it until the cheque bounced.                   
Ĵ
                                                                          
God:   You will notice, Adam, that I gave you a BRAIN and a PENIS.        
Adam:  Yeah, so?                                                          
God:   There's a catch.  I've only given you enough BLOOD to use          
       them one at a time.                                                
Ĵ
                                                                          
 A tourist was driving around in a Catholic area of Northern Ireland and  
 pulled into a service station. He asked the attendant to fill the tank.  
                                                                          
 The attendant answered, "I'm sorry sir, but we're all out of petrol."    
                                                                          
 So the tourist asked him for a quart of oil. "Sorry sir, but we don't    
 have any oil."                                                           
                                                                          
 "Look here," said the tourist" If you don't have any petrol and you      
 don't have any oil, you're not much of a service station, are you?"      
                                                                          
 "Well sir," answered the attendant, "to tell you the truth, we           
 aren't really a petrol station at all. We're just a front for the IRA."  
                                                                          
 "Fine!" said the tourist. "Could you please blow up the tires."          
Ĵ
                                                                          
       How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?       
         Shoot one of them.                                               
                                                                          
       What does a guitarist say when he gets to his regular gig?         
         "Would you like fries with that, sir?"                           
                                                                          
       How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?            
         "One, two, three... testing... one, two, three."                 
Ĵ
                                                                          
       You know you're a redneck if ...                                   
                                                                          
 Your airport parking is free but the runway must be mowed on a           
 regular basis.                                                           
                                                                          
 You find yourself in that embarrassing predicament of being              
 married and engaged at the same time.                                    
                                                                          
 There are four pair of pants and three squirrels hanging from your       
 clothesline.                                                             
                                                                          
 Your family business requires a lookout.                                 
                                                                          
 You have to take the entire day off work to have your teeth cleaned.     
                                                                          
 You've ever been arrested on an obscene mud-flap charge.                 
                                                                          
 Your welcome mat says, "You'd better have a search warrant."             
                                                                          
 You've ever named a child after a good dog.                              
                                                                          
 You drove to elementary school.                                          
                                                                          
 You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.                              
                                                                          
 You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.                         
                                                                          
 Your neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb.                 
                                                                          
 You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.               
                                                                          
 Your dog can smoke a cigarette.                                          
                                                                          
 You've ever heckled during a eulogy.                                     
                                                                          
 Your truck can pass over a 55-gallon drum without touching it.           
Ĵ
                                                                          
       Regarding the recent USAir crash:                                  
       ---------------------------------                                  
       USAir now has three classes.  Smoking, non-smoking and             
       charred beyond recognition!                                        
                                                                          
       USAir now has a frequent survivor's program!                       
                                                                          
       USAir has a new promo; fifty dollars off your plane ticket         
       if you bring your dental records!                                  
Ĵ
                                                                          
 A Russian is standing in line waiting to buy some food. He waits there   
 for three days and the line doesn't move. Finally he says, "That's it!   
 I'm going to kill President Gorbachev! I intend to shoot him down like a 
 dog!"                                                                    
                                                                          
 A few hours later the Russian joins the line again.                      
                                                                          
 "What happened?" asked a comrade. "Did you shoot Gorbachev?"             
                                                                          
 "No," replied the Russian, "the line to shoot Gorbachev was much, much   
 longer than this one."                                                   

