Ŀ
          
            ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 11  September, 1994         
                                                                        
                                                                        
         Published by Access Media Systems                              
         Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362                                       
                                                                        
       Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes       
                                                                        
          
       Contents:                                                        
                                                                        
       Editorial                                                        
       True Silly Stories From Around The World                         
       Cooking With ROTFL Digest - SPAM Surprise                        
       Marketing Strategies For Major Disasters                         
       Advertisement - Eye-Poking Injuries On The Rise!                 
       Are You A Plagiarist?                                            
       Flames, Flames, Flames!                                          
              (Send One Of These To The Plagiarist In Your Life!)       
       The Psycho Quiz - How Psycho Are You?                            
       Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                             
                                                                        
          
                                                                          
    Editorial                                                             
    ---------                                                             
                                                                          
    Welcome to the 11th issue of ROTFL Digest! Things heat up in this     
    issue with our flames specially designed for the plagiarist in        
    your life!                                                            
                                                                          
    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          
    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         
    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    
                                                                          

                                                                          
     Ŀ    
      ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it      
      remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may     
      be uploaded to CAP/Canada BBS at (416)287-0935 as a ZIP file.     
      Email to sandy.illes@canrem.com  or  Sandy Illes 1:250/710        
                                                                        
      ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes        
      without the express written consent of the publishers.            
                                                                        
      Material reposted from ROTFL Digest MUST be credited.             
                                          ^^^^                          
      Violators will be persecuted to the fullest extent of             
      our fists.                                                        
         
Ĵ
       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          
                                                                          
       HOW DO YOU SAY "OBSESSED" IN ITALIAN?                              
                                                                          
       Turin, Italy - 55-year old Franco Pittone claims to have eaten     
       nothing but pizza for the past 32 years. He says that he has       
       pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Pittone's passion for      
       pizza has cost him a marriage. "My wife gave me an ultimatum,"     
       said Pittone, "her or pizza. I wished her well, got in my car,     
       and drove down to the pizza parlour for a snack."                  
                                                                          
       YOU CAN BEAM ME UP NOW, SCOTTY                                     
                                                                          
       Viareggio, Italy - 47-year old Mila Bertelli was stuck in an       
       apartment house elevator for 58 hours but she didn't panic -       
       instead, she read newspapers during the ordeal.                    
                                                                          
       AN ACTOR'S HONEST EVALUATION OF HIS SKILLS                         
                                                                          
       Los Angeles, Calif. - The late Joseph Cotten, who appeared in      
       Citizen Kane, said, "I didn't care about the movies, really.       
       I was tall. I had curly hair. I could talk. It was easy to         
       do." Doubtless, he attended the Sylvester Stallone School of       
       Acting...                                                          
                                                                          
       DON'T YOU LOVE IT WHEN THEY BITCH?                                 
                                                                          
       Jackson, Miss. - Sandra Bernhard had this to say about Madonna:    
       "Madonna doesn't know who she is. That's why she dyes her hair     
       so much. She will steal your friends and anything she can get      
       her grubby little hands on. She should have stolen some acting     
       tips." (Heh!)                                                      
                                                                          
       I DUNNO, BUT IT MIGHT BE BETTER TO BE DUMB...                      
                                                                          
       Holland - Dutch researchers believe that eating ants may double    
       your IQ. A unique chemical found in ants' bodies also controls     
       the intelligence center in the human brain. Dr. Hans Dettmer       
       warns people not to eat ants until further studies are complete.   
       (Like, he had to tell us not to eat ants???)                       
                                                                          
       I DUNNO, BUT MAYBE LIVING LONG ISN'T THAT GREAT...                 
                                                                          
       Beijing, China - Physiologists say their research shows you can    
       increase your lifespan by 20 to 30 years by eating a dozen live,   
       hairy Fu-Wen caterpillars a day. The scientists claim the          
       caterpillars contain powerful anti-aging chemicals which protect   
       body cells. "They must be eaten alive," said Wing Shi-Tao.         
       Western doctors warn that many caterpillars are extremely          
       poisonous and should not be eaten. (Like, we needed to be told     
       to not eat live caterpillars???)                                   
                                                                          
       GUESS BANGKOK WILL BE OFF OUR CHRISTMAS LISTS                      
                                                                          
       Bangkok, Thailand - Citizens here can be arrested and spend 30     
       days in jail if they sing Christmas carols in public. The largely  
       Buddhist country considers Western holiday songs offensive. ROTFL  
       feels sort of the same way about "The Little Drummer Boy"....      
                                                                          
       NO WONDER DRUGS ARE A PROBLEM IN SCHOOLS                           
                                                                          
       New York, NY - A new survey indicates that 6 out of 10             
       kindergarden teachers have been treated for drug addiction and     
       3 out of 10 still use narcotics on a daily basis.                  
                                                                          
       BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD: ROLE MODELS FOR THE 90'S                      
                                                                          
       Jersey City, NJ - 18-year old Calvin Settle has been arrested      
       and accused of dropping a 16-pound bowling ball from an overpass   
       that smashed a car window and crushed the skull of an 8-month      
       old baby girl. It is believed Settle was copying a scene from      
       MTV's Beavis And Butthead in which the cartoon characters load a   
       bowling ball with explosives and drop it from a roof.              
                                                                          
       Norwalk, Ohio - Christina Zapata's 5-year old son set a fire in    
       a bedroom that destroyed their three-bedroom home. "He kept        
       saying 'Fire is good, fire is good' like on that stupid Beavis     
       And Butthead show," said Mrs. Zapata.                              
                                                                          
       Somewhere else in Ohio - Darcy Burk blamed the TV show for a fire  
       set by her 5-year old that destroyed her home and killed his       
       2-year old sister.                                                 
                                                                          
       Sidney, Ohio - Three girls, inspired by Beavis and Butthead, set   
       their home on fire.                                                
                                                                          
       (Does anyone besides me notice the need for better role models in  
       New Jersey and Ohio???)                                            
                                                                          
       SATIATE YOUR EGO                                                   
                                                                          
       Brussels, Belgium - D'Auberge Bruxelles, a fancy inn on the        
       outskirts of the city, will name a sandwich after you for $3,500.  
       You design the sandwich and they promise to keep it on the menu    
       for at least a year. So far, more than 200 people have taken       
       advantage of this offer. (Hmmmmm, I feel like a Roseanne Barr -    
       that's a cutting tongue sandwich with extra fat...)                
                                                                          
       BURGLAR TOOK THE PLUNGE                                            
                                                                          
       Pisa, Italy - A burglar who broke into Leo Pagliano's house was    
       beaten with a toilet plunger, receiving a concussion, three        
       bone fractures, and - presumably - a thorough plunging. (Heh!)     
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
    Cooking With ROTFL Digest!          By Sandy Illes                    
    ==========================          (c) 1994                          
                                                                          
       SPAM Surprise                                                      
                                                                          
       Ingredients:                                                       
                                                                          
       1 tin of SPAM                                                      
       2 packages of (s)lime Jello                                        
       1 Eye of Newt                                                      
       1 Toe of Frog                                                      
       2 Batwings                                                         
       1/2 Tsp. sesame seeds                                              
       Salt and pepper to taste                                           
                                                                          
       Optional:                                                          
                                                                          
       1 stomach pump                                                     
                                                                          
       While humming "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic," open a            
       tin of SPAM. Use a Ginsu knife to slice and dice the SPAM          
       (and the tin if you want - it won't affect the taste).             
                                                                          
       Mix the Jello in a bowl that is larger than your head,             
       then add the sliced and diced SPAM (and the optional               
       tin if desired). Add the Eye of Newt and Toe of Frog               
       while reciting Shakespeare's witches chant.                        
                                                                          
       Slowly beat in the Batwings while adding the salt and              
       pepper to taste. (Note: less than a pound of salt and              
       pepper is recommended, but who takes my stinkin' advice,           
       anyway?)                                                           
                                                                          
       Sprinkle with sesame seeds, then bake in a microwave               
       oven using the Incincerate setting. SPAM Surprise is done          
       when your smoke alarm goes off.                                    
                                                                          
       * It's called SPAM Surprise because my family is always            
         surprised when they don't die from eating it.                    
                                                                          
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     Ŀ             
      MARKETING STRATEGIES FOR MAJOR DISASTERS                          
      ========================================                          
      By Sandy Illes (c) 1994                                           
                                                                        
      Disaster: Ozone Layer Disappears                                  
      --------------------------------                                  
      Advantage: Sales of sunglasses and sunblock will                  
      boom.                                                             
                                                                        
      Disadvantage: Bikini sales will plummet.                          
                                                                        
      Disaster: Giant Comet Hits The Earth                              
      ------------------------------------                              
      Advantage: Pre-dug holes for inground swimming                    
      pools.                                                            
                                                                        
      Disadvantage: Strong possibility of death for people              
      residing near the site crash.                                     
                                                                        
      Disaster: Sun Blows Up                                            
      ----------------------                                            
      Advantage: Everyone can sleep until noon without                  
      fear of daylight waking them up.                                  
                                                                        
      Disadvantage: Lack of warmth on earth.                            
                                                                        
      Disaster: Nuclear War                                             
      ---------------------                                             
      Advantage: Food grows from the ground already                     
      cooked.                                                           
                                                                        
      Disadvantage: Lack of hair on humans will put all                 
      hair salons out of business.                                      
                                                                        
      Disaster: Aliens Invade Earth                                     
      -----------------------------                                     
      Advantage: The Weekly World News can print a true                 
      headline.                                                         
                                                                        
      Disadvantage: The aliens might not be interested in               
      advertised products such as Preparation H, maxi                   
      pads, and pet foods.                                              
                                                                        
      Disaster: The Whole World Catches Fire                            
      --------------------------------------                            
      Advantage: Instant suntans for folks living in                    
      northern climates.                                                
                                                                        
      Disadvantage: The permeating odor of burning skin                 
      and hair.                                                         
                                                                        
      Disaster: Earthquakes Send Continents Into The Sea                
      --------------------------------------------------                
      Advantage: No more Preparation H commercials since                
      the advertising execs will be dead.                               
                                                                        
      Disadvantage: No cable.                                           
                                                                        
      Disaster: My Sister's Perm                                        
      --------------------------                                        
      Advantage: Can tease her mercilessly.                             
                                                                        
      Disadvantage: She spends too many nights alone at                 
      home bugging me while waiting for her hair to grow                
      back.                                                             
                                                                        
      Disaster: My Mom's Meatloaf                                       
      ---------------------------                                       
      Advantage: It gives me a day off school while I get               
      my stomach pumped.                                                
                                                                        
      Disadvantage: I still have to eat it.                             
                                                                        
      Disaster: Your Car Breaks Down                                    
      ------------------------------                                    
      Advantage: Gives you a chance to play kissy-face                  
      with that hot babe you took out.                                  
                                                                        
      Disadvantage: You still have to walk home.                        
                                                                        
                  
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
       Advertisement:            By Sandy Illes (c) 1994                  
       --------------                                                     
                                                                          
       EYE-POKING INJURIES ON THE RISE!                                   
                                                                          
       What Can You Do???                                                 
                                                                          
       It's a little known fact that the most innocuous                   
       household items are frequently the most dangerous.                 
       Take, for example, an innocent looking carrot stick.               
       While it may seem to be nothing more than a source                 
       of vitamin A to the uninitiated, it can, in fact, be               
       used for poking eyes out.                                          
                                                                          
       Eye-poking is, of course, the basis of all mothers'                
       fears. The inexperienced eye-poker learns quickly                  
       that it makes a lot more sense to poke out someone                 
       else's eyes instead of their own.                                  
                                                                          
       While every child is warned not to play with                       
       scissors because they could poke their eyes out, it                
       is a sad fact of our times that children are not                   
       warned about the dangers of celery. Celery, a leafy                
       green vegetable universally despised by young                      
       children, can poke an eye out faster than you can                  
       say "Ouch!"                                                        
                                                                          
       What can we, as concerned parents, do to prevent this              
       potential epidemic of eye-poking? Conveniently                     
       enough, the Eye-Poking Institute of Our Lady of                    
       Perpetual Pain has a solution!                                     
                                                                          
       What is the solution, you ask? Well, if we tell you                
       that, we won't be able to send you our home study                  
       course (available for only pennies a day but                       
       invaluable at any price), will we?                                 
                                                                          
       Yes, the Eye-Poking Institute of Our Lady of                       
       Perpetual Pain has pondered for centuries as to how                
       we can prevent eye-poking! We have studied the                     
       physical, psychological, spiritual, and Biblical                   
       implications of eye-poking and now know how to                     
       prevent and/or treat this serious problem.                         
                                                                          
                                                                          
       Here are just some of the materials covered by our                 
       famous home study course:                                          
                                                                          
    -  How To Reinsert A Poked-Out Eye                                    
                                                                          
    -  Eye Safety: Vegetables To Avoid                                    
                                                                          
    -  The Eyes Have It! Where To Look For Poked-Out Eyes                 
                         When You Can't Find Your Own                     
                                                                          
    -  Eye Eye, Captain!: How Captain Kirk Would Have                     
                          Dealt With The Problem Of                       
                          Eye-Poking                                      
                                                                          
    -  Eye Think Therefore Eye Am - A Philosophical                       
                                    Overview Of Eyelessness               
                                                                          
    -  Eye-Poking For Fun & Profit                                        
                                                                          
    -  What's Your Eye-Q?                                                 
                                                                          
       You'll also learn the best time to teach your                      
       children about eye-poking, how to spot eye-poking                  
       tendencies in your children, what to do when a poked               
       out eye rolls under the sofa, the best surgical                    
       techniques for permanent eye replacement, plus much                
       more!                                                              
                                                                          
       How can you pass up such a fabulous opportunity? How               
       will you feel when your child pokes out his or                     
       someone else's eye and you don't know what to do?                  
       Don't let that happen! Send for our home study                     
       course today!                                                      
   Ŀ         
                                                                        
      Fill out the form and mail it to:                                 
                                                                        
      Eye-Poking Institute of Our Lady of Perpetual Pain                
      10 Watch Out! Way                                                 
      Eye Told You So, Eye-daho                                         
      00010                                                             
            
   Ŀ         
                                                                        
      Name: ______________________________________________              
      Address: ___________________________________________              
      City: _______________________ State/Prov. __________              
      Zip/Postal Code: ____________                                     
                                                                        
      Number of times you have had an eye poked out:  ____              
      Number of times your child has had an eye poked out: ____         
      Number of times you've poked out someone else's eye: ____         
      Number of times your child has poked out someone                  
      else's eye: ____                                                  
      Number of eyes you currently have: ____                           
      Number of eyes your child currently has: ____                     
      Number of eyes you wish you had: ____                             
      Number of eyes you wish your child had: ____                      
                                                                        
            
Ĵ
       ARE YOU A PLAGIARIST?                                              
       --------------------                                               
                                                                          
       Ŀ                                        
        By Sandy Illes (c) 1994  <- Notice this is copyrighted! (heh!)  
                                               
      ==================================================                  
                                                                          
       Take this test to find out!                                        
                                                                          
       (1) I have not had an original thought since:                      
           (a) Birth                                                      
           (b) Conception                                                 
           (c) What does "original" mean?                                 
                                                                          
       (2) I admire the following people:                                 
           (a) Clifford Irving                                            
           (b) The kid who sat behind me in English                       
               class and never once got caught                            
               cheating                                                   
           (c) Anyone who reposts ROTFL Digest articles                   
               into the myriad of netmail humor conferences               
               without giving credit to the original author               
                                                                          
       (3) The one thing I don't like about plagiarism                    
           in netmail is:                                                 
           (a) I have to waste time editing the file                      
               to remove the author's name                                
           (b) Someone might catch me                                     
           (c) I sometimes have to correct the author's                   
               typos                                                      
                                                                          
       (4) I don't think people who write original                        
           material deserve credit because:                               
           (a) Why shouldn't I use their talents to                       
               enhance my own reputation?                                 
           (b) They probably won't catch me anyway                        
           (c) They probably wouldn't like me if they met me              
                                                                          
       (5) If an author catches me stealing his material                  
           I just:                                                        
           (a) Flame him/her                                              
           (b) Tell him/her to get a spelling checker so                  
               I don't have to bother with their typos                    
           (c) Say that it was published in netmail,                      
               therefore it MUST be public domain, even                   
               though Dave Barry's material was published                 
               in netmail and was NOT in the public domain                
                                                                          
       (6) I don't think plagiarism will discourage                       
           authors from posting original material because:                
           (a) Look how long it took Dave Barry to catch                  
               me, eh?                                                    
           (b) Authors are generally stupid people who                    
               just happen to have more ideas than I do                   
           (c) Cracked and MAD magazines still don't even                 
               know that netusers are taking credit for                   
               their stuff                                                
                                                                          
       (7) This is the main reason I don't write my own                   
           original material:                                             
           (a) My IQ is 2                                                 
           (b) It's just too darn easy to steal other                     
               people's material                                          
           (c) I'm using an alias so they can't catch me                  
                                                                          
       (8) This is the main reason I steal other people's                 
           material and repost it as my own:                              
           (a) I'm really not very bright but wish I were                 
           (b) I think it would be very interesting to                    
               know a lot of words but I don't                            
           (c) I can be popular without any effort on my                  
               own part                                                   
                                                                          
       (9) I think plagiarists should be:                                 
           (a) Worshipped                                                 
           (b) Sent original material by the authors so                   
               we don't have to keep hitting the screen                   
               capture key in our comm programs                           
           (c) Elected to public office where we can                      
               really develop our theft skills                            
                                                                          
      (10) Now that I have been caught plagiarizing                       
           material I intend to:                                          
           (a) Snicker and do it again                                    
           (b) Tell everyone the author is a lying                        
               bastard                                                    
           (c) Slink back into the hole I crawled out of                  
                                                                          
Ĵ
      Ŀ              
        FLAMES FLAMES FLAMES!                                           
        Send One Of These To The Plagiarist In YOUR Life!               
                    
      Ŀ              
      By Sandy Illes (c) 1994 <- Notice the copyright, eh?              
                    
                                                                          
       Thank you for having taken credit for writing                      
       __________________________. I was becoming weary of                
       being congratulated by people and am relieved that                 
       someone else - mainly you - must now bear the burden               
       of coming up with a sequel.                                        
                                                                          
                                                                          
       I appreciate your having taken the time to repost all              
       of my original material under your own name. Royalties             
       can be forwarded to the following address: ___________             
       _____________________________________________________.             
                                                                          
                                                                          
       I remember having spent _____ hours sitting in front               
       of the computer composing _________________________.               
       Obviously my time was not wasted, since you liked my               
       material so much, you stole it and used it as your                 
       own.                                                               
                                                                          
                                                                          
       You are a thief. Only a minor thief, to be sure, but a             
       thief nonetheless. I suppose stealing the written work             
       of other people is even easier than beating up little              
       old ladies for their pension cheques.                              
                                                                          
                                                                          
       I'm just soooooo flattered that I have become the                  
       author of choice for discriminating plagiarists.                   
       Would you be kind enough to go and steal from someone              
       else?                                                              
                                                                          
                                                                          
       Imagine my surprise to join the _________ conference               
       last night and find my own original material being                 
       reposted under your name. If you insist on continuing              
       this practice, I'm afraid that you will be obliged to              
       legally change your name to mine.                                  
                                                                          
                                                                          
       What a treat to join the __________ conference and see             
       50 new messages! What a shock to see that 40 of those              
       messages are from you and, more than that, 20 of them              
       were written by me!                                                
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
       THE PSYCHO QUIZ - How Psycho Are You?                              
       By Mary Stewart (c) 1994                                           
       =====================================                              
                                                                          
   1.  I am being held prisoner by Elvis in a 7-11.                       
                                                                          
   2.  I am suffering from SPAM flashbacks.                               
                                                                          
   3.  I firmly believe in death after life.                              
                                                                          
   4.  I don't know how that cookie got in my hair.                       
                                                                          
   5.  I don't shave my legs more than twice a day.                       
                                                                          
   6.  I am the reincarnation of someone's chihuahua.                     
                                                                          
   7.  I think being a turnip might be fun.                               
                                                                          
   8.  I am secretly a spy for Venusians.                                 
                                                                          
   9.  I would rather eat frog's eyes than chocolate.                     
                                                                          
   10. I believe that bathing may be dangerous for your health.           
                                                                          
   11. I think Elvis is not dead - he's just not alive anymore.           
                                                                          
   12. I consider Michael Jackson jokes the highest form of humor.        
                                                                          
   13. I consider OJ Simpson jokes the highest form of humor.             
                                                                          
   14. I think it would be dangerous to eat electricity.                  
                                                                          
   15. I think sunshine is over-rated.                                    
                                                                          
   16. I like to gargle onion juice.                                      
                                                                          
   17. I am afraid of purple spiders.                                     
                                                                          
   18. I worship doorknobs.                                               
                                                                          
   19. I think breathing is under-rated.                                  
                                                                          
   20. I am the troll who lives under your house.                         
                                                                          
       Now let's see how you scored:                                      
                                                                          
       Just for having taken this quiz, your IQ has dropped at            
       least 20 points, so subtract 20 from 20 to get 0. Here             
       are the answers and their significance:                            
                                                                          
       1. Yes - You must shave your sideburns and immediately             
          stop eating peanut butter sandwiches.                           
          No  - Then you don't get out enough.                            
                                                                          
       2. Yes - You must not watch Monty Python movies more than          
          four times a day, under threat of becoming a lumberjack.        
          No  - You are wise to not eat meat-like substances that         
          cannot be identified.                                           
                                                                          
       3. Yes - You are abnormally normal and probably get on the         
          nerves of all of your friends.                                  
          No  - Congratulations, you're a true psycho!                    
                                                                          
       4. Yes - You're lying.                                             
          No  - You're lying!                                             
                                                                          
       5. Yes - Have you considered investing in a Lawn Boy?              
          No  - You're lying!                                             
                                                                          
       6. Yes - So that was YOU who p*ssed on my petunias!!!              
          No  - How absolutely normal of you!                             
                                                                          
       7. Yes - It's time to go back on your Lithium.                     
          No  - And why not, huh???                                       
                                                                          
       8. Yes - You're lying.                                             
          No  - You're trying to cover up your true identity!             
                                                                          
       9. Yes - You're not human and it's time someone told you so.       
          No  - What a normal response!                                   
                                                                          
       10. Yes - You are a redneck.                                       
           No  - But do you use deodorant, hmmmm?                         
                                                                          
       11. Yes - You can't prove that so therefore it's not true.         
           No  - You can't prove that so therefore it's not true!         
                                                                          
       12. Yes - Pervert!                                                 
           No  - You're not being honest!                                 
                                                                          
       13. Yes - Sicko!                                                   
           No  - Was your sense of humor surgically removed, or           
           what???                                                        
                                                                          
       14. Yes - You must stop trying to be so darn normal!               
           No  - You're an adventurer. Also a psycho...                   
                                                                          
       15. Yes - You're a vampire and it's time someone told you          
           so.                                                            
           No  - A perfectly normal response.                             
                                                                          
       16. Yes - You don't have any friends, do you?                      
           No  - You don't like being different.                          
                                                                          
       17. Yes - Who wouldn't be???                                       
           No  - And why not???                                           
                                                                          
       18. Yes - You are related to Aunt Clara of the TV show             
           "Bewitched."                                                   
           No  - You are conventional.                                    
                                                                          
       19. Yes - You are having a moment of lucidity but it               
           will surely pass quickly.                                      
           No  - Normal response... but we think you're lying.            
                                                                          
       20. Yes - So that was YOU???                                       
           No  - Then you're a relative of his, right?                    
                                                                          
Ĵ
Ŀ 
JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES 
 
                                                                          
 A man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.                         
 After the tests the doctor says to the man, "I'm afraid you have         
 cancer and Alzheimer's disease. The man wipes his brow and says,         
 "Well, at least I don't have cancer....!"                                
Ĵ
  A Texas Ranger walks into a saloon and bellies up to the bar.           
  The bartender takes his order and notices the Ranger looks tired        
  and dusty. He asks him what he's in town for. The Ranger takes          
  a swallow of beer and replies, "I'm lookin' for an outlaw.              
  Maybe you've seen him in these parts."                                  
                                                                          
  The bartender says, "Well, I dunno. What's he look like?"               
                                                                          
  The Ranger says, "He's a cowboy, stands about 6 foot tall.              
  He's wearin' a paper hat, paper vest, paper shirt, paper pants          
  and paper boots. He carries a paper gun and rides a paper horse."       
                                                                          
  The bartender is surprised and says, "Shoot, I would've                 
  remembered somebody like that. Tell me, what's he wanted for?"          
                                                                          
  The Ranger takes another swig of beer and answers: "Rustlin'."          
Ĵ
                                                                          
 Two men were playing poker like they did each Saturday night. The        
 first guy said, "I heard you entered a school that helps you remember    
 things?"                                                                 
                                                                          
 "Yep, that's right," replied the second guy.                             
                                                                          
 "What's the name of the school you go to?"                               
                                                                          
 "Ummmm, what's that thing that's pink and grows in the garden?"          
                                                                          
 "You mean a rose?"                                                       
                                                                          
 " Yeah, a rose... ROSE!!! What's the name of that remembering            
 school that i go to???" the second guy shouted to his wife.              
Ĵ
                                                                          
 I've got some good news and some bad news.                               
 The good news is Rush Limbaugh died.                                     
 The bad news is his wife is pregnant.                                    
                                                                          
 Q: What was the chief qualification Rush looked for in a wife?           
 A: The ability to support 400 lbs..                                      
                                                                          
 Q: How many Rush Limbaughs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?         
 A: Three -- One to not screw it in, one to lie about it, and one to      
 blame the whole damn thing on Hillary Clinton.                           
Ĵ
                                                                          
  Q. Why Do Jewish Girls Think Prostitution Is Such Good Business?        
  A. Ya Got It, Ya Sell It, Ya Still Got It!                              
Ĵ
                                                                          
       Two fellows grew up in the mountains and when they were grown,     
 one of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune.  The other   
 one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents.  The  
 one up North became a salesman, soon was sales manager, and then vice-   
 president and president of the company.  Before long, his business was   
 bought out by a big company out West.  In a little while, he became      
 president of the parent company.                                         
       One day he got a call from his brother on the farm who said,       
 "Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday."                                 
       He said, "Oh, my goodness!  I have to leave Thursday for a big     
 merger meeting in Japan.  I just can't come, but I want you to give      
 Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me.  It's the    
 least I can do."                                                         
       Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful     
 brother received a bill for $6,000. and he paid it.  The following       
 month, a bill for $100. came.  Thinking they had forgotten something,    
 he paid it.  The next month, another bill for $100. came, and he paid    
 that one too.  When another $100. bill arrived the third month, he       
 called his brother and asked if he knew why he was getting these bills.  
       "Oh yes," the brother said, "I think I do.  See, when we got       
 Daddy all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that  
 polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you 
 said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo."                       
Ĵ
                                                                          
 Q. Did you hear about the new Disco Tonya Harding is opening?            
                                                                          
 A. It's called "Club Nancy."                                             
Ĵ
                                                                          
       An American tourist on a safari in the Sahara Desert takes a       
 wrong turn and becomes hopelessly lost.  After a long morning in the hot 
 sun, he spots a man riding toward him on a donkey.                       
       "Please help me," cries the tourist.  "I'm dying of thirst!"       
       "I'm sorry," says the stranger.  "All I have are neckties."        
       "Neckties?" cries the tourist.  "I need WATER."                    
       "I like you," says the peddler, "and here's what I'm going to      
 do. I normally get fifteen dollars each for these ties.  But seeing as   
 you're suffering, I'll let you have two of them for twenty-five bucks."  
       Whereupon the tourist turns away in disgust and walks off.         
 Three hours later, he sees an oasis.   By now he's on his knees, and as  
 he crawls toward it, he looks up to see a man in a tuxedo standing under 
 a palm tree.                                                             
       "Please," he asks, "do you have any water?"                        
       "Oh sure! PLENTY of water."                                        
       "Great, great.  Where do I go?"                                    
       "This way, sir.  The restaurant is right inside.  Unfortunately,   
 I can't let you in without a tie."                                       
Ĵ
                                                                          
       A boy from New York was being led through the swamps of Florida.   
       "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if     
       you carry a flashlight?"                                           
       "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the      
       flashlight."                                                       
Ĵ
                                                                          
   What's a gay mafioso?                                                  
       A fairy godfather.                                                 
                                                                          
   What charges can you bring against a transvestite?                     
       Male fraud.                                                        
                                                                          
   What's tender love?                                                    
       Two gays with hemorrhoids.                                         
                                                                          
   Gay man to whore: "Prostitute!"                                        
   Whore to gay whore: "Substitute!"                                      
Ĵ
                                                                          
  What did they find in Jeffrey Dahmer's shower?                          
  Head and Shoulders.                                                     
                                                                          
  What Has 11 legs and runs all the time?                                 
  Jeffrey Dahmer's Refrigerator.                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
 Q. What's The Difference Between Michael Jackson And Richard Prior?      
 A. One Was Burned By Coke, The Other By Pepsi.                           
                                                                          
 Q. What's The Difference Between Dan Quayle And Jane Fonda?              
 A. Fonda Spent More Time In 'nam.                                        
Ĵ
                                                                          
Rush Limbaugh got married sometime back.                                  
                                                                          
During the wedding the bride's party sat on the right and                 
the groom's party sat on the far right.                                   
Ĵ
 How could we tell Tonya Harding was nervous at the Olympics?             
 Everyone else's knees were knocking.                                     
Ĵ
       "Hello, police department?  I've lost my cat and..."               
       "Sorry sir, that's not a job for the police, we're too busy..."    
       "But you don't understand...this is a very intelligent cat!        
       He's almost human!  He can practically talk!"                      
       "Well, you'd better hang up, sir.  He may be trying to phone you   
       right now."                                                        
Ĵ
                                                                          
 The morning after his wedding Michael Jackson came down to the           
 lobby of the hotel where he was greeted by the best man.                 
 "So, Michael, is Lisa Marie pregnant yet?" asked the best man            
 with a smile.                                                            
 "I hope so," replied Michael.  "I'd hate to have to go through           
 *that* again!"                                                           
Ĵ
  How many Deadheads does it take to put in a lightbulb?                  
                                                                          
  None, they just let it burn out and follow it around for 20 years.      
Ĵ
 Collective Nouns                                                         
                                                                          
 A sleaze of lawyers                                                      
 A giggle of teenage girls                                                
 A bald of Picard imitators                                               
 A hack of computer nerds                                                 
 A fat of Elvis impersonators                                             
 A zit of pre-pubescent boys                                              
 A flame of idiot message writers                                         


