Ŀ
          
            ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 10    August, 1994          
                                                                        
                                                                        
         Published by Access Media Systems                              
         Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362                                       
                                                                        
       Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes       
                                                                        
          
       Contents:                                                        
                                                                        
       Editorial                                                        
       True Silly Stories From Around The World                         
       SPAM - The Many Uses                                             
       Advertisement - The Only Diet You'll Ever Need                   
       The Cyberspace Mental Health Quiz Part I                         
       The Cyberspace Mental Health Quiz Part II                        
       OJ Simpson Looking For A "Twinkie" Defence                       
       Special Section Of OJ Simpson Jokes!                             
       MS-DOS 99.3                                                      
       Jokes! Jokes! Jokes!                                             
                                                                        
          
                                                                          
    Editorial                                                             
    ---------                                                             
                                                                          
    Welcome to the 10th issue of ROTFL Digest! We're still hanging        
    around and hoping to bring a laugh or two into your day!              
                                                                          
    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          
    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         
    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    
                                                                          

                                                                          
     Ŀ    
      ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it      
      remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may     
      be uploaded to CAP/Canada BBS at (416)287-0935 as a ZIP file.     
      Email to louis.illes@canrem.com                                   
                                                                        
      ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes        
      without the express written consent of the publishers.            
                                                                        
      Material reposted from ROTFL Digest must be credited.             
                                                                        
      Violators will have a medium rare steak with a side dish          
      of carrots and broccoli driven through their hearts in a          
      1965 Chevy.                                                       
         
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       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          
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             Ŀ                 
              True Silly Stories From Around The World                  
                              
                                                                          
       STALLONE FLEXES HIS BRAIN                                          
                                                                          
       Hollywood, California - Sylvester Stallone has had it with         
       California crime and earthquakes and is looking to move to         
       England. "California has lost its allure for me," says             
       Stallone, "Socially it is in big trouble, economically it          
       is a disaster." This from the guy who has made countless           
       millions in California regardless of his lack of actual            
       acting ability...!                                                 
                                                                          
       AND IF YOU BELIEVE THIS, I HAVE A BRIDGE I CAN SELL YOU            
                                                                          
       Poona, India - Six men were hospitalized with illness after        
       taking a pill that a local doctor promised would make them         
       invisible. ROTFL Digest assumes they'll be transferred to the      
       psychiatric ward when well enough, since only a moron would        
       believe such a thing as an invisibility pill exists.               
                                                                          
       UNSPORTSMAN CONDUCT PART I                                         
                                                                          
       Havana, Cuba - 24-year old boxing contender Julio Torona was       
       banned from the sport after referees discovered thumbtacks in      
       his gloves. Torona claimed the gloves were new and the tacks       
       must have come from packaging material. Officials - in a           
       moment of lucidity - refused to believe this.                      
                                                                          
       UNSPORTSMAN CONDUCT PART II                                        
                                                                          
       Oslo, Norway - 19-year old Brigitte Brundtland has sued            
       organizers of a beauty pageant, claiming she was discriminated     
       against because she's "dentally challenged." Ms. Brundtland        
       has buck teeth. She claims that she has a more attractive face,    
       a better figure, prettier hair and skin, and much more talent      
       than the other contestants. Doubtless, she forgot to mention       
       modesty.                                                           
                                                                          
       WHAT'LL THEY STEAL NEXT???                                         
                                                                          
       Bogota, Colombia - 19-year old Hector Rodriguez was sentenced      
       to two years in prison after pleading guilty to breaking into      
       a neighbour's outhouse and stealing her supply of toilet           
       paper. "You can't get any lower than that," said Judge Manuel      
       Lopez Peroza. ROTFL Digest thinks you certainly CAN get lower      
       than that... heck, what if he stole used toilet paper and ate      
       it, huh? That would be lower... :)                                 
                                                                          
       WHAT'S IN A NAME?                                                  
                                                                          
       Marble Bar, Australia - The two most decorated cops in this        
       town are named Robert Crook and James Lawless.                     
                                                                          
       "ST. PETER, I DREAMT I WAS HAVING A DRINK OF WATER..."             
                                                                          
       Auckland, New Zealand - 26-year old Reggie Brewster was found      
       facedown in a small puddle of water in his waterbed. The bed       
       had sprung a leak after being punctured and Reggie drowned.        
       It just goes to show you that nothing is safe anymore!             
                                                                          
       INSANE LAWSUITS PART I                                             
                                                                          
       Orange County, California - An unnamed woman won $649,000.         
       when she claimed in her lawsuit that a car accident had made       
       her breast cancer worse.                                           
                                                                          
       INSANE LAWSUITS PART II                                            
                                                                          
       Cornwall, Conn. - An unidentified man who had gotten drunk at      
       a wedding decided to call a friend to give him a ride home.        
       While on the phone, he lost his balance, fell down some stairs,    
       and became paralyzed from the neck down. He sued the phone         
       company and collected damages of 7.47 million dollars!             
                                                                          
       INSANE LAWSUITS PART III                                           
                                                                          
       Miami, Florida - A Miami woman who was drinking and snorting       
       cocaine set fire to herself when she tried to light a charcoal     
       stove with gasoline and spilled some on her clothing. She sued     
       the owner of the house where the accident occurred and             
       collected $250,000.                                                
                                                                          
       GUESS HE NEVER HEARD OF CHEWING GUM...                             
                                                                          
       Rotterdam, Netherlands - 50-year old Dr. Peter Bakel lost his      
       job after chain-smoking through a delicate heart operation on      
       74-year old Yolanda Caarten. Said Nurse Bettie Serphos, "It        
       was dangerous. He not only endangered the patient's life, but      
       ours as well. With the oxygen tanks so close, we could all have    
       died in an explosion. He smoked those awful cigarettes right       
       down to the nub right through his surgical mask. He even burned    
       a hole in his bloody glove when he took one out of his mouth to    
       dump his ashes. The floor was littered with butts. He leaned       
       over to reach for a clamp and an ash fell into the patient's       
       incision. That was the last straw."                                
                                                                          
       In his defence, Dr. Bakel said, "I operate better when I smoke.    
       There was no real danger. I was at least three feet from the       
       oxygen. And I wiped the ash out of the incision right away.        
       It's this anti-smoking movement of the 90's that cost me my        
       job."                                                              
                                                                          
       The patient has made a complete recovery and refuses to sue        
       the hospital or the doctor. "The man saved my life," said Mrs.     
       Caarten.                                                           
                                                                          
       IT'S A STRANGE WORLD AFTER ALL                                     
                                                                          
       Naples, Italy - A worldwide survey of third-year high school       
       students indicated that 53 percent of them think the sun is        
       an inhabited planet. 41 percent also believed that World War       
       II was fought between France and London. 38 percent think          
       Adolph Hitler is a kind of German food.                            
                                                                          
       A HAIR-RAISING EXPERIENCE INDEED                                   
                                                                          
       Magdeburg, Germany - 22-year old Berbel Rausch is suing            
       inventor Klaus Wirtenstein because she tested his experimental     
       electric hairbrush and it ripped out half of her hair. She         
       wants $250,000. to make her forget the "Brush-O-Matic."            
                                                                          
       SHOULDN'T THEY HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN?                       
                                                                          
       Munich, Germany - A judge has ruled professional psychics          
       cannot be allowed to perform jury duty - because they would be     
       able to read the witnesses' minds and cause automatic              
       mistrials. Several psychics said they'd appeal the decision        
       but none of them indicated if they would win.                      
                                                                          
       THAT'S ONE TOUGH GOLF COURSE                                       
                                                                          
       West Palm Beach, Florida - 42-year old Louis Mannion was           
       retrieving golf balls from a lake when an 11-foot alligator        
       attacked him and nearly ripped his foot off.                       
                                                                          
       WHEN, OH WHEN, WILL THEY MAKE STUPIDITY A CRIME???                 
                                                                          
       Perth, Australia - A 46-year old unnamed man who was missing       
       for three days was found locked in the trunk of his car. The       
       man admitted to cops that he'd accidentally locked himself in      
       the trunk while cleaning it.                                       
                                                                          
       A BURNING NEED TO COMMIT A ROBBERY                                 
                                                                          
       Greenville, S.C. - 20 boxes of Preparation H were stolen from      
       a department store by a skinny man wearing glasses who             
       threatened a clerk with a knife. "I hope he fixed what ailed       
       him," said Sheriff's Lt. Sam Simmons, "We haven't had other        
       Preparation H thefts, so maybe he did."                            
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       SPAM - The Many Uses!         by Sandy Illes                       
                                                                          
       While many people consider SPAM to be nothing more                 
       than luncheon meat, the chosen few know that SPAM                  
       has many, many other uses.                                         
                                                                          
       Perhaps least well known of these uses is SPAM                     
       enemas. Sure, it hurts, but only for a few days, and               
       the benefits are enormous if you survive the enema.                
       SPAM has been known to cure baldness, heal broken                  
       bones, and even cause regressions in advanced cases                
       of senility.                                                       
                                                                          
       SPAM makes a great foundation for a garage you may                 
       be building, due to its tough, pork-like nature.                   
                                                                          
       Pranksters will love this one: Shove SPAM up your                  
       nose then tell people, "Oh my God, my brains are                   
       seeping out!"                                                      
                                                                          
       New Ages SPAM users will know exactly what I'm                     
       talking about when I say to replace your crystal                   
       ball with a SPAM ball. After you've told the future,               
       you can eat the evidence!                                          
                                                                          
       When mixed with (s)lime Jello (tm) and shaped                      
       properly, SPAM makes a great SPAM-mer, hammering                   
       in nails as well as a real hammer.                                 
                                                                          
       For crazy people, SPAM can be shaped into a weapon                 
       and help you build a reputation as a SPAM-icidal                   
       maniac.                                                            
                                                                          
       Genetic engineering, of course, can alter your                     
       spermatozoa to become SPAM-atoza. It may be a slight               
       problem raising a SPAM from infancy but bear with                  
       it, it's been good to the Hormel company.                          
                                                                          
       For the housekeepers among us, we recommend                        
       SPAM-itizing your carpet. This works much better                   
       than sanitizing because it kills every living thing                
       it touches on contact.                                             
                                                                          
       Parents, are you tired of paying too much for paper                
       diapers? Why not use SPAM-pers? Not only are they                  
       inexpensive, but they only need to be changed every                
       second week!                                                       
                                                                          
       So there you have it. SPAM is more than a source of                
       questionable nourishment - it's an all-purpose                     
       substance that can help you with almost any                        
       situation around the house!                                        
                                                                          
                                                                          
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  Advertisement                                                           
  -------------                                                           
                                                                          
       THE ONLY DIET YOU'LL EVER NEED IN YOUR LIFE! (c)                   
                                                                          
       Sound too good to be true? Well, it's not true, and                
       truth-in-advertising laws compell us to admit that                 
       right at the beginning.                                            
                                                                          
       Using our new, exclusive, and very expensive THE                   
       ONLY DIET YOU'LL EVER NEED IN YOUR LIFE! (c) system,               
       you can eat whatever you like and still lose all the               
       weight you want!                                                   
                                                                          
       The secret of our success depends on behavior                      
       modification, and Al "Itchy Trigger Finger" Carbone                
       makes sure that you stick to your diet. Al will                    
       follow you through your daily schedule and bolster                 
       your determination to lose weight by shooting you if               
       you try to cheat. He won't shoot to kill - that                    
       wouldn't be the proper way for us to maintain a                    
       client base, now, would it? - but he'll shoot to                   
       injure. You'll soon discover that getting a gunshot                
       wound treated takes all thoughts of snacking away                  
       from your mind!                                                    
                                                                          
       Yes, we've taken the Skinner theory out of pure                    
       psychology and put it into weight management!                      
       Al not only follows you through your daily                         
       schedule, he also sleeps at your house during the                  
       night! After only a few days, you'll hardly be aware               
       of his presence except when he's changing one of                   
       your bandages, but you will most certainly notice                  
       that you're very, very careful about what you eat!                 
                                                                          
       Our special weight management techniques involve                   
       rewarding good behavior: If you don't eat something                
       you're not supposed to, Al won't shoot you!                        
                                                                          
       Negative eating habits are punished, of course,                    
       using the following criteria:                                      
                                                                          
       Twinkies   - Flesh wound                                           
       Ice cream  - Gunshot wound to left kidney                          
       Cheesecake - Left knee is "capped"                                 
       Chocolate  - Gunshot wound to right kidney                         
       Candies    - Right knee is "capped"                                
       Chips      - Gunshot wound to left arm                             
       Cookies    - Gunshot wound to right arm                            
       Pizza      - Gunshot wound to neck                                 
       Hot dogs   - Gunshot wound to left foot                            
       Hamburgers - Gunshot wound to right foot                           
                                                                          
       The punishment becomes more severe with consecutive                
       infractions. Fortunately, only one client was ever                 
       deemed to be incorrigible: Mrs. Hilda "Weiner Legs"                
       Framburster of Dayton, Ohio had to be terminated.                  
                                                                          
       THE ONLY DIET YOU'LL EVER NEED IN YOUR LIFE! (c)                   
       absolutely GUARANTEES results! Call today for an                   
       appointment with one of our qualified weight loss                  
       counsellors! What have you got to lose???                          
                                                                          
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       THE CYBERSPACE MENTAL HEALTH QUIZ, PART I    By Sandy Illes        
       =========================================                          
                                                                          
       Do you worry when you call home and you're not                     
       there?                                                             
                                                                          
       (a) Only if I answer the phone.                                    
       (b) Only if a burglar answers the phone.                           
       (c) Only if my dog answers the phone and starts                    
           talking about quantum mechanics.                               
                                                                          
       Have you ever been kidnapped by aliens?                            
                                                                          
       (a) Not recently.                                                  
       (b) I'm answering this quiz via telepathy from the                 
           mother ship.                                                   
       (c) Not by aliens... but definitely by zombie                      
           androids from the planet Preparation H.                        
                                                                          
       When asked to draw the circumference of a circle, do               
       you:                                                               
                                                                          
       (a) Get a bucket to draw circumferences from the circle?           
       (b) Get a pencil and draw some squiggles that you                  
           mistakenly believe could be interpreted as a                   
           circumference by anyone lacking basic knowledge?               
       (c) Get a protractor and immediately poke out your                 
           left eyeball?                                                  
                                                                          
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       THE CYBERSPACE MENTAL HEALTH QUIZ , PART II  By Sandy Illes        
       ===========================================                        
                                                                          
       Answer True or False to each of the following                      
       questions:                                                         
                                                                          
       (1) I have never poked out somebody's eyeball.                     
       (2) I have never poked out somebody's eyeball on                   
           purpose.                                                       
       (3) I have poked out one of my own eyes.                           
       (4) I have poked out the eyeballs of small living                  
           creatures.                                                     
       (5) I think eyeball poking is over-rated.                          
       (6) I live to poke out eyeballs.                                   
       (7) I have never eaten SPAM.                                       
       (8) I have eaten SPAM at gunpoint.                                 
       (9) I willingly ate SPAM for the hallucinogenic                    
           effects of the many chemicals contained in the                 
           product.                                                       
      (10) I once used SPAM to make the foundation for a                  
           garage.                                                        
      (11) I worship SPAM.                                                
      (12) I think SPAM is under-rated.                                   
      (13) I think SPAM is not given enough credit for its                
           usefulness in situations that do not involve                   
           eating mystery meat products.                                  
      (14) My computer is secretly in love with me.                       
      (15) My computer is secretly Elvis.                                 
      (16) My computer has been kidnapped by aliens and                   
           replaced with a Commodore 64.                                  
      (17) My computer hates me and is trying to kill me.                 
      (18) My computer is powered by weak hamsters.                       
      (19) My computer allows me to communicate with David                
           Koresh.                                                        
      (20) No one has ever been able to substantiate those                
           charges of insanity against me.                                
                                                                          
                                                                          
       Pick the answer that best indicates your attitude:                 
                                                                          
       I enjoy burying small animals in SPAM pits.                        
       (a) Yes.                                                           
       (b) No.                                                            
       (c) Only when the moon is as full as my hard drive                 
           and I can't download.                                          
                                                                          
       I have never seen Elvis.                                           
       (a) Yes.                                                           
       (b) No.                                                            
       (c) Elvis is living in my fridge.                                  
                                                                          
       I have never locked myself inside my car.                          
       (a) Yes.                                                           
       (b) No.                                                            
       (c) Just that one time and I couldn't call 911 on my               
           cellular phone because I forgot the number.                    
                                                                          
       I enjoy collecting used Kleenex.                                   
       (a) Yes.                                                           
       (b) No.                                                            
       (c) I gave it up because used toilet paper is much                 
           more readily available.                                        
                                                                          
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              OJ SIMPSON LOOKING FOR A "TWINKIE" DEFENCE                  
                                                                          
       Los Angeles, Calif. - OJ Simpson, having setup a toll free         
       number to invite members of the public to perjure themselves       
       on his behalf for a big reward, has now invited members of         
       the public to come up with an original defence on his behalf.      
                                                                          
       It seems that Simpson's team of ten or more lawyers have been      
       unable to come up with anything more original than "Yes, but       
       you can't prove OJ committed the killing just because he had       
       blood on his Bronco, a bloody glove in his backyard, and blood     
       in his master bathroom." The lawyers have discussed using the      
       defence that Simpson cut himself while shaving, but even OJ's      
       mother told them to "shove that crummy idea up your sleazy,        
       overpaid asses."                                                   
                                                                          
       OJ Simpson is quoted as saying, "If Lorena Bobbitt could           
       think up a defence after having admitted on national               
       television that she did it, surely someone can come up with        
       a logical explanation for why that blood was all around my         
       house!"                                                            
                                                                          
       Simpson is offering a reward of $500,000. dollars, plus an         
       autographed football card and a year of free Hertz car             
       rentals to the person who can come up with the most                
       plausible explanation.                                             
                                                                          
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 SPECIAL SECTION OF OJ SIMPSON JOKES!                                     
                                                                          
 Did you hear that during the exciting 50 mph chase down the LA freeways, 
 OJ got a call from Rodney King? Yeah, he told him "No matter what        
 you do, man, DON'T get out of the car!"                                  
                                                                          
 KNOCK, KNOCK!                                                            
 Who's there?                                                             
 OJ!                                                                      
 OJ who?                                                                  
 CONGRATULATIONS!  YOU'RE ON THE JURY!!!                                  
                                                                          
 Q: What do the LAPD and Tropicana have in common?                        
 A: They both have OJ in a can.                                           
                                                                          
 My mom tried to give me some orange juice this morning.                  
 I told her, "No way, mom! OJ will KILL you!"                             
                                                                          
 Q: What is the difference between Tang and OJ?                           
 A: Tang won't kill you!                                                  
                                                                          
 Q: Why do they call him OJ?                                              
 A: Because he beats the pulp out of his women.                           
                                                                          
 OJ's got a new nickname...now it's "Toast."                              
                                                                          
 There's a new drink out: OJ and Slice!                                   
                                                                          
 Q: Why won't prison be that different for OJ?                            
 A: He will still have big guys opening holes for him.                    
                                                                          
 Q: What's black and white and red all over?                              
 A: OJ paying a visit to his ex-wife.                                     
                                                                          
 Q: What is the difference between Rodney King and OJ Simpson?            
 A: OJ started out with millions.                                         
                                                                          
 Q: Do you know why OJ drove around as long as he did?                    
 A: He was waiting for a call from Dr. Kevorkian!                         
                                                                          
 Q: Why were the police suspicious after they called OJ in?               
 A: He denied he was the culprit, and even suggested they come to the     
    golf tournement and see how bad his slice is.                         
                                                                          
 It was reported on the news today that a piece of evidence was found     
 at the murder scene that had been dropped by the murderer and was        
 positive proof that it could not have been OJ Simpson.                   
       A Super Bowl Ring.                                                 
                                                                          
 What did Mike Tyson have for breakfast in prison today?                  
 Bacon, Eggs, and OJ.                                                     
                                                                          
 What are OJ Simpson, David Koresh, and Mike Tyson?                       
 The butcher, the baker, and the license plate maker!                     
                                                                          
       What's harder than getting blood from a turnip?                    
       Getting Juice from a Bronco.                                       
                                                                          
 Did you hear that Hertz Rent-A-Car is standing behind OJ?                
 To show their support they are Slashing Prices to the Bone!              
                                                                          
 Following is evidence that OJ is not the killer:                         
       1. They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it.    
       2. If he murdered her, it would Hertz his advertising career.      
       3. The Juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but
               never beating the pulp out of her.                         
       4. It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but   
               everyone has seen OJ concentrate.                          
       5. The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football        
               fan knows that OJ could never cut to the left.             
                                                                          
   Q: What do O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson have in common?            
   A: They are both missing a glove.                                      
                                                                          
   Q: What did Michael Jackson say to O.J. Simpson?                       
   A: Don't worry, I'll take care of the kids.                            
                                                                          
   Q: Have you heard about the new children's game?                       
   A: It's called "Where's OJ?"                                           
                                                                          
   There once was a fellow named Simpson,                                 
   Who ran away covered in crimson.                                       
       After carving his wife,                                            
       With a "substantial knife,"                                        
   Said the cops, "What you did was quite grim, son."                     
                                                                          
   Q: Did you hear John Wayne Bobbit called OJ last night?                
   A: He wanted OJ to know that he knows what it feels like to be         
      separated from a loved one.                                         
                                                                          
   Q: What are the three worst words to hear form OJ Simpson?             
   A: I love you.                                                         
                                                                          
   Q: Did you hear about the new OJ Simpson breakfast special?            
   A: It's eggs, steak and prune juice.  First, you beat it, then         
      you stab it with a knife, then you get the runs.                    
                                                                          
    Q: What do the state of California and Taco Bell have in common?      
    A: They are two things that can give OJ gas.                          
                                                                          
    Q: How is having sex with a prostitute similar to dating OJ Simpson's 
       ex-wife?                                                           
    A: In either case, if the Trojan snaps you're dead.                   
                                                                          
    Q: What will Nicole Simpson be for Halloween?                         
    A: A PEZ dispenser.                                                   
                                                                          
    Q: What's the difference between a paralyzed miner and OJ Simpson?    
    A: One's a numb digger...                                             
                                                                          
    Q: Why did OJ stab his wife?                                          
    A: Because he checked his gun with his baggage and the airline lost it
                                                                          
    Q: What do OJ and Pee-Wee Herman have in common?                      
    A: They both were arrested for abusing their loved ones.              
                                                                          
    It's one thing to kill your ex-wife, but another thing entirely       
    to take a victory lap around the city afterward.                      
                                                                          
Ĵ
       MS-DOS 99.3                                                        
       -----------                                                        
                                                                          
       Welcome to your new, simplified MS-DOS manual!                     
                                                                          
       Thank you for choosing MS-DOS 99.3! You have wisely                
       purchased an operating system that has made Bill                   
       Gates rich and will continue to make him even                      
       richer. He'd thank you personally but he's sailing                 
       in the Bahamas on his new yacht, surrounded by                     
       beautiful money-hungry woman, and doesn't have time                
       to write anything in this introduction.                            
                                                                          
       Note that the warranty on the enclosed disks becomes               
       null and void if they are placed within five (5)                   
       feet of a computer while the packaging is removed.                 
       Whatever you do, DO NOT INSERT THESE DISKS INTO YOUR               
       COMPUTER!                                                          
                                                                          
       If you have elected to ignore our standard warranty                
       disclaimer, these steps should be followed. (Please                
       note that MS-DOS is no longer under warranty once                  
       the package seal has been broken, and all steps are                
       followed at your own risk)                                         
                                                                          
       Step 1:                                                            
                                                                          
       Open the disk packages and remove the disks.                       
                                                                          
       Step 2:                                                            
                                                                          
       Insert them into your computer one at a time while                 
       the computer is switched on.                                       
                                                                          
       Step 3:                                                            
                                                                          
       Type [install] while praying really, really hard                   
       that this upgrade will not affect any of the                       
       important programs you already have installed on                   
       your current MS-DOS system.                                        
                                                                          
       Step 4:                                                            
                                                                          
       If the installation is unsuccessful, do not - we                   
       repeat DO NOT - call the MS Support Line. You have                 
       already voided the warranty by removing the disks                  
       from the packaging and we really don't care                        
       if you have lost many megs of valuable and                         
       irreplaceable information. Perhaps our next upgrade                
       will work better... who knows?                                     
                                                                          
Ĵ
Ŀ
 JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES
ٳ
                                                                          
 Yo momma is so ugly, they turn off the cameras when                      
 she walks into a bank.                                                   
                                                                          
 Yo momma is so ugly, her doctor is a veterinarian.                       
                                                                          
 Yo momma is so ugly, she has to sneak up on her mirror.                  
                                                                          
 If ugliness was a crime, yo momma would get the electric chair.          
                                                                          
 Yo momma's breath is so bad, her teeth have asbestos caps.               
                                                                          
 Yo momma is so generous, she'd give you the hair off her back.           
                                                                          
 Yo momma's hair is such a mess, she has to take painkillers              
 when she combs it.                                                       
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
PATIENT:  Nurse!!  Nurse!!  I can't feel my legs!                         
                                                                          
NURSE:    I know, that's because we amputated both your                   
          arms last night.                                                
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
 A man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.                         
 After the tests the doctor says to the man, "I'm afraid you have         
 cancer and Alzheimer's disease." The man wipes his brow and says,        
 "Well at least I don't have cancer...."                                  
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 Two men were playing poker like they did every Saturday night. Jeff said 
 to Tom, "So I heard you entered a school that helps you remember         
 things?" "Yep, that's right," replied Tom. "What's the name of the       
 school you go to?" Jeff asked. "Umm... what is that thing that is pink   
 and grows in the garden?" replied Tom.                                   
                                                                          
 "You mean a rose?" said Jeff.                                            
                                                                          
 "Yea, a rose....ROSE!!! What's the name of that remembering school       
 that I go to?" shouted Tom to his wife.                                  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
You Know You're A Redneck When...                                         
                                                                          
 ... your kids have a three-day-old Kool-Aid mustache.                    
                                                                          
 ... you sell rabbits out of your car.                                    
                                                                          
 ... you think people who have electricity are uppity.                    
                                                                          
 ... you have a bumper sticker on your bowling ball.                      
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
 Book Titles:                                                             
 ------------                                                             
                                                                          
 Cooking Spaghetti by Al Dente                                            
                                                                          
 Crocodile Dundee  by Ali Gator                                           
                                                                          
 Cut the Grass!    by Moses Lawn                                          
                                                                          
 Do It Yourself    by Tyrone Shoelaces                                    
                                                                          
 Don't Do Anything Rash by Jacques Itch                                   
                                                                          
 Don't Tread On Me by  Amanda B. Reckonwith                               
                                                                          
 East Coast Resorts by  Nan Tuckett                                       
                                                                          
 Equine Leg Cramps  by  Charlie Horse                                     
                                                                          
 Events In The Soviet Union by Perry Stroika                              
                                                                          
 Fallen Underwear   by  Lucy Lastic                                       
                                                                          
 Foot Coverings     by  Susan Socks                                       
                                                                          
 Foot Problems of Big Lumberjacks by Paul Bunion                          
                                                                          
 Fortune Telling    by  Crystal Ball                                      
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
 I've got some good news and some bad news.                               
 The good news is Rush Limbaugh died.                                     
 The bad news is his wife is pregnant.                                    
                                                                          
 Q: What was the chief qualification Rush looked for in a wife?           
 A: The ability to support 400 lbs...                                     
                                                                          
 Q: How many Rush Limbaughs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?         
 A: Three -- One to not screw it in, one to lie about it, and one to      
 blame the whole damn thing on Hillary Clinton.                           
                                                                          
 Rush goes to hell and is interviewed by the devil:                       
 SATAN: So what did you do, Mr. Limbaugh?                                 
 RUSH:  I tell lies for a living.                                         
 SATAN: Why, so do I.                                                     
 RUSH:  Yes, but mine aren't true!                                        
                                                                          
 Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and four hundred pounds   
    of turds?                                                             
 A: You can stand a turd up, so it isn't lying all the time.              
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
 Q. Why Do Jewish Girls Think Prostitution Is Such Good Business?         
 A. Ya Got It, Ya Sell It, Ya Still Got It!                               
                                                                          
 Q. What's The Difference Between Jews And Pizzas?                        
 A. Pizzas Don't Scream When You Put Them In The Oven.                    
                                                                          
 Q. What's A Jewish American Princess's Definition Of Natural Childbirth? 
 A. No Makeup.                                                            
                                                                          
 Q. What's A Jap's Idea Of Perfect Sex?                                   
 A. Mutual Headaches.                                                     
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
 Q. Did you hear about the new Disco Tonya Harding is opening?            
 A. It's called "Club Nancy."                                             
                                                                          
 Q. Did you hear about the new musical program Tonya Harding is using for 
    her next skating event?                                               
 A. It's to the theme from "Inside Edition."                              
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
 Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see the future.                  
                                                                          
 I heard yo momma got a job at the airport: Sniffing luggage.             
                                                                          
 I heard yo momma only has three teeth. One in her mouth and              
 two in her pocket.                                                       
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
       An American tourist on a safari in the Sahara Desert takes a       
 wrong turn and becomes hopelessly lost.  After a long morning in the hot 
 sun, he spots a man riding toward him on a donkey.                       
       "Please help me," cries the tourist.  "I'm dying of thirst!"       
       "I'm sorry," says the stranger.  "All I have are neckties."        
       "Neckties?" cries the tourist.  "I need WATER."                    
       "I like you," says the peddler, "and here's what I'm going to      
 do.  I normally get fifteen dollars each for these ties.  But seeing as  
 you're suffering, I'll let you have two of them for twenty-five bucks."  
       Whereupon the tourist turns away in disgust and walks off.         
 Three hours later, he sees an oasis.   By now he's on his knees, and as  
 he crawls toward it, he looks up to see a man in a tuxedo standing under 
 a palm tree.                                                             
       "Please," he asks, "do you have any water?"                        
       "Oh sure! PLENTY of water."                                        
       "Great, great.  Where do I go?"                                    
       "This way, sir.  The restaurant is right inside.  Unfortunately,   
 I can't let you in without a tie."                                       
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
       A boy from New York was being led through the swamps of Florida.   
       "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if     
 you carry a flashlight?"                                                 
       "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the      
 flashlight."                                                             
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
 How does Rush Limbaugh change a lightbulb?                               
 He doesn't. He attempts to embarrass the president into changing it -    
 whether it needs to be changed or not.                                   
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
    Yo momma is so crosseyed she dropped a dime and picked up 2 nickels.  

