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            ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 8      March, 1994          
                                                                        
                                                                        
         Published by Access Media Systems                              
         Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362  Data: <Node 3> (905)825-8653         
                                                                        
       Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes                          
  Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel      ۰
                                                                        
          
       Contents:                                                        
                                                                        
       Editorial                                                        
       True Silly Stories From Around The World                         
       Acme Computer Products Available In Stores Any Time Now          
       How To Perform Amateur Brain Surgery On An Idiot                 
       A Math Problem From Richard Platel                               
       Things That Make You Go Hmmmmmm!                                 
       An Eye Story                                                     
       Taglines For Guys                                                
       Contest Announcement                                             
       Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                             
                                                                        
                                                                        
          
                                                                          
    Editorial                                                             
    ---------                                                             
                                                                          
    Welcome to the 8th issue of ROTFL Digest! We're not only              
    still here, but we're almost famous! Terry Carr called from           
    radio station WYSS-FM 99.5 in Soo, Michigan to compliment us          
    and let us know he's stealing our material for his radio show!        
    Way to go, Terry! :)                                                  
                                                                          
    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          
    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         
    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    
                                                                          

                                                                          
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      remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may     
      be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (905)825-8653 as an ascii      
      [C]omment to Sysop, sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314, or     
      sent to sandy.illes@accmedia.com.                                 
                                                                        
      ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes        
      without the express written consent of the publishers.            
                                                                        
      Material reposted from ROTFL Digest must be credited.             
                                                                        
      Violators will have a medium rare steak with a side dish          
      of carrots and broccoli driven through their hearts in a          
      1965 Chevy.                                                       
         
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       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          
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       WHAT, NOT SPAM?                                                    
                                                                          
       Fredonia, N.Y. - Every April Fool's Day the folks at               
       Aldrich's Beef and Ice Cream Parlour celebrate by                  
       concocting unusual confections. One of their recent                
       concoctions was bacon and eggs in a vanilla mush.                  
       And me without my spoon....                                        
                                                                          
                                                                          
       WHAT'S THE NUMBER FOR 911?                                         
                                                                          
       Alberta, Canada - Marcel Laurendeau was kidnapped                  
       and locked inside his car trunk. Laurendeau used his               
       cellular phone to call for help. By poking through a               
       stereo speaker, he was able to see a sign that                     
       helped him give police his location.                               
                                                                          
                                                                          
       A POUND OF FLESH...                                                
                                                                          
       Baltimore, Md. - 52-year old Alfred Montaselli is                  
       suing to get back the kidney he donated to his                     
       ex-wife in 1990. They were married when he donated                 
       the kidney. "Let her new boyfriend give her one of                 
       his kidneys. I don't care if she drops dead!" said                 
       Mr. Montaselli.                                                    
                                                                          
                                                                          
       IT'S TRUE: MEN ALWAYS FORGET TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT                
       DOWN                                                               
                                                                          
       Mission Control, NASA - One of the astronauts on the               
       space shuttle Endeavour left the lid of the $23                    
       million toilet up. Mission Control noticed the lid                 
       was up because a fan on the experimental new toilet                
       was still running. The fan only shuts off when the                 
       lid is securely down. It was previously thought that               
       in space, no one could hear you flush...                           
                                                                          
                                                                          
       DRIVE BY STEALING                                                  
                                                                          
       Deerfield Beach, Fla. - A thief held up a bank                     
       without getting out of his car - by telling the                    
       teller at the drive-through window that he had a                   
       bomb. The suspect, identified as a 35-year old                     
       heavyset white male, escaped with an undisclosed                   
       amount of loot.                                                    
                                                                          
                                                                          
       BATHS GIVE THIS KID A HEADACHE                                     
                                                                          
       Melbourne, Australia - 24-year old single mother                   
       Marjorie Goodman was charged with child abuse after                
       the father of her 5-month old baby dropped by                      
       unannounced and found her bathing the baby in a                    
       washing machine. He immediately called Social                      
       Services. In her defense, Ms. Goodman said, "I admit               
       putting my son in the washer, but I always used the                
       gentle cycle, extremely mild soap, and a very short                
       spin." Undoubtedly, the hardest part of the bath was               
       pinning the baby on the clothesline to dry....                     
                                                                          
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       ACME COMPUTER PRODUCTS AVAILABLE IN STORES ANY TIME NOW            
                                                                          
       HRTACHE.ZIP: Heartache 1.0. Turns your computer into a country     
       and western karaoke machine, then drops it off of a cliff.         
                                                                          
       ERTHQAKE.ZIP: Earthquake 1.0. Simulates a 3-D earthquake in        
       256-color VGA, then blows up your monitor.                         
                                                                          
       PANCAKE.ZIP : Pancake 1.0. Using your SmellBlaster (tm) card,      
       you will experience the aroma of pancakes. Then a cliff will       
       be dropped on your computer.                                       
                                                                          
       TIDLWAVE.ZIP: Tidal Wave 1.0. Graphics display of a tidal wave     
       on your screen! Then it floods your hard drive.                    
                                                                          
       DSRTSAND.ZIP: Desert Sand 1.0. Looks like desert sand, feels       
       like desert sand, tastes like desert sand! Then a sinkhole         
       opens and sucks you and your computer into the depths of the       
       earth.                                                             
                                                                          
       CHRGCARD.ZIP: Charge Card 1.0. Provides unlimited access to        
       the Acme charge card, as long as you have unlimited money in       
       the bank and can provide a personal reference from Wile E.         
       Coyote. Then it hits you on the head repeatedly.                   
                                                                          
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       HOW TO PERFORM AMATEUR BRAIN SURGERY ON AN IDIOT                   
                                                                          
       Tools required:                                                    
                                                                          
       Rusty tweezers                                                     
       Blunt, heavy object                                                
       Icepick or rusty nail                                              
       Band-aid                                                           
       Cotton wool                                                        
                                                                          
       First you need a pair of rusty tweezers. If you                    
       don't have any rusty tweezers, place regular                       
       tweezers in a cloth bag and attach it with a string                
       to a toilet handle. Now flush repeatedly until the                 
       tweezers begin to corrode. If you know someone who                 
       has chronic intestinal problems, this is a good time               
       to invite them to your home, as the dirtier the                    
       water, the better.                                                 
                                                                          
       Now you are ready for the operation. Stuff cotton                  
       wool into his mouth, then insert the rusty tweezers                
       into the idiot's rectum, taking great care to                      
       injure as much surrounding flesh as you can.                       
       Probe the bowel area with the tweezers and shove the               
       tweezers into the intestinal area. The idiot will,                 
       of course, attempt to complain by thrashing and                    
       moaning, so a sedative is required. Hit him                        
       over the head with the blunt, heavy object.                        
                                                                          
       Now push the rusty tweezers into the idiot's stomach               
       area. With any luck at all, the stomach wall will                  
       rupture and intense hemorrhaging will begin. If the                
       idiot does not begin to hemorrhage, you will need a                
       second surgical tool such as an icepick or a rusty                 
       nail to ensure bleeding.                                           
                                                                          
       The idiot may recover consciousness because of the                 
       intense pain, so you will need to sedate him once                  
       again with the blunt, heavy object.                                
                                                                          
       You now must push the rusty tweezers into his heart.               
       Yes, this is a slight detour on the way to the brain               
       but it is essential to inflict the maximum amount of               
       suffering.                                                         
                                                                          
       Once the heart has been pierced and the idiot is                   
       writhing in pain, use the blunt, heavy object once                 
       again and shove the tweezers into his windpipe. Now                
       you will continue through the windpipe into his                    
       head.                                                              
                                                                          
       When the rusty tweezers encounter gray, slimy                      
       matter, this will probably be the idiot's brain or                 
       his soul. Either way, poke at the matter until it is               
       a bloody mass and the idiot is having convulsions.                 
                                                                          
       You must now prepare to end the operation but before               
       doing this, you should repeatedly hit the idiot on                 
       the brain with the heavy, blunt object. This will                  
       ensure that his brain has been suitably readjusted.                
                                                                          
       Slowly remove the rusty tweezers from the idiot via                
       his liver, kidneys, and bladder. End the operation                 
       by taking the rusty tweezers out through his penis.                
                                                                          
       Put a Band-aid on your finger if you have                          
       accidentally cut yourself during the operation.                    
                                                                          
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  Your Problem:                                                           
                                                                          
  Two flies at toegther inside a room which is a perfect sphere with a    
  diamater of 3 metres.  The flies walk along the inside surface of the   
  sphere in oppisite directions.  Every two minutes, one of the flies     
  randomly changes direction as long as its new path will not force it to 
  bump into the other fly.  If the flies move at an equal, constant speed,
  what are your chances of answering this question?                       
                                                                          
  Richard "fly on the wall" Platel                                        
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  A TRUE EYE STORY   by Sandy Illes                                       
                                                                          
  One time I was visiting my sister. Her 2 1/2 year old little boy,       
  Steven, developed a huge crush on me and followed me everywhere. When I 
  went into the bathroom to remove my contact lenses, Steven was like an  
  extra shadow.                                                           
                                                                          
  "What are you doing, Aunt Sandy?" he asked as I removed the first lens. 
                                                                          
  "Taking my eyes out," I answered.                                       
                                                                          
  "No you're not!" he replied.                                            
                                                                          
  "Sure I am," I answered.                                                
                                                                          
  I made a really big fuss about removing the second contact lens, going  
  "Ow!" "Ouch!" "It's not coming out, go get me the pliers!"              
                                                                          
  At that point, Steven screamed in terror and ran from the room calling  
  for his mother. (Heh heh)                                               
                                                                          
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       THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMMMMM!                                   
                                                                          
       - What's the difference between "virtually spotless" and           
         "spotless"?                                                      
                                                                          
       - Why does a certain soap commercial compare human skin to         
         glass? Does that mean other people can see through me?           
                                                                          
       - If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?        
                                                                          
       - What's the speed of dark?                                        
                                                                          
       - When a woodchuck chucks wood, what does he do with it?           
                                                                          
       - If there was no such thing as plastic surgery, who would         
         Cher be?                                                         
                                                                          
       - If they can make a soap that floats, why can't they make a       
         soap that doesn't slip out of your hand?                         
                                                                          
       - Why do people say they're on the "cutting edge of                
         technology? Does that mean consumers are on the "bleeding        
         edge" of technology?                                             
                                                                          
       - How can anyone see Elvis without using a shovel?                 
                                                                          
       - Why don't UFO's land on the White House lawn instead of          
          wasting time with the lunatic fringe?                           
                                                                          
       - Why are all numbers prior to ten single digit?                   
                                                                          
       - What if everyone had to remember to breathe?                     
                                                                          
       - How can you tell if you're asleep?                               
                                                                          
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 TAGLINES FOR GUYS                                                        
                                                                          
 A beer delayed is a beer denied.                                         
 A beer in need is a beer indeed.                                         
 Alcohol is not a problem, until you can't get any.                       
 Alcoholism is not a disease, it's a goal.                                
 All cats are grey in the dark.                                           
 Any more than three shakes is fun.                                       
 Don't drink and drive, you might spill it.                               
 Don't waste beer, there are sober people in India.                       
 Fat, drunk, and stupid is the only way to go through life.               
 Get drunk and be somebody else.                                          
 I drink, therefore I am!                                                 
 I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.                             
 I'd rather have a bottle in front of me then a frontal lobotomy.         
 I'll never ever not drink again!                                         
 If we don't drink it, someone else will.                                 
 No machine can replace man until it learns to drink!                     
 The only time I refused a drink I didn't understand the question.        
 When in doubt, drink heavily.                                            
 You could do that, but it would be wrong.                                
 You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.                   
                                                                          
                                                                          
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  CONTEST ANNOUNCEMENT                                                    
                                                                          
       You could win a prize by writing to ROTFL Digest!                  
                                                                          
       Yes, each month we'll publish the funniest letters                 
       and randomly award some kind of cheap prize to the                 
       person who is able to make Sandy and Richard squirt                
       milk out of their noses! This is a valuable                        
       opportunity to win valueless prizes!                               
                                                                          
       Write to: Sandy Illes (Fidonet 1:259/314)                          
                 sandy.illes@accmedia.com                                 
                 Sandy Illes 905-825-8653 (Access Media BBS)              
                                                                          
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   JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES    
     
                                                                          
                                                                          
  For sale:                                                               
  1 Parachute, used once, never opened, slight blood stain, very          
  cheap - $50                                                             
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  Did you hear that Tonya Harding just got a new endorsement?             
  "Lucky Strike" Cigarettes.                                              
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  People who shop at K-Mart save.                                         
  Jesus saves.                                                            
  Therefore, Jesus shops at K-Mart.                                       
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  Did you hear the guy who made the first VCR died recently?              
                                                                          
  They're having the funeral at 12:00 12:00 12:00 12:00 12:00 12:00.      
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  Your mother is so ugly, she went to a haunted house and came out        
  with a job application!                                                 
                                                                          
  Your mother is so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck!          
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  Q:  How do you circumcise a hillbilly?                                  
  A:  Punch his sister in the jaw.                                        
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   They're going to make one TV movie combining the Harding and           
   Bobbit cases. The title.......                                         
                                                                          
   Going for Gold, But Got Dick                                           
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   Q: What is the name of the new breakfast cereal from 2 Live Crew?      
   A: Nut'N Bitch!                                                        
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   The REAL reason Tonya Harding divorced her husband in the first        
   place: He was hitting on the other skaters....                         
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       If the pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, what ship did the      
       doctors come over on?                                              
               The blood vessels.                                         
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  A husband returned home to find his wife sitting in the lounge,         
  obviously shaken.  "What's the matter, darling?" he asked.  "Well       
  I have good news and bad news, what do you want to hear first?"         
  she replied.  "Oh my god", he said, "it's the car, isn't it?"           
  She nodded nervously.  "I'll have the good news first, then,"           
  said the husband.  "Well," the wife replied, "the airbag works!"        
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  What goes: CLOP  CLOP  CLOP  CLOP  CLOP  BANG  CLOP  CLOP               
  CLOP  CLOP  CLOP  CLOP ?                                                
                                                                          
  An Amish drive-by shooting.                                             
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  Two bikers were sitting at a red light when a nun walks                 
  across the street in front of them.  The nun was on                     
  crutches and had a leg in a cast.  One biker says to                    
  her, "Hey momma, how'd you hurt your leg?"                              
  The nun said she slipped while taking a shower.                         
  The biker looks over at the other biker and says,                       
  "Man, what's a shower?"  The other biker says, "I don't                 
  know, I'm not Catholic."                                                
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 A couple from up north were passing through North Carolina and saw a     
 sign that read "Fuquay-Varina 30 miles." They started to discuss how     
 a name like that might be pronounced. This escalated into an argument.   
 They stopped in Fuquay-Varina to get some lunch at a fast food           
 resturant. The man asked the girl behind the counter, "Would you do us   
 a favor and pronounce the name of this place for us SLOWLY and           
 CAREFULLY?"                                                              
 She said in a southern accent, "Sure, B U R G E R  K I N G".             
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  Q. What did the masochistic girl say to her date?                       
                                                                          
  A. "Slap...or I'll stop you!"                                           
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  Did you hear the one about the optical lens manufacturer?               
                                                                          
  He accidentally fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of      
  himself!                                                                
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  You know you're in Saskatchewan when you can sit on your                
  back porch and watch your dog run away for three days.                  
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  How did John Bobbit pay for his medical bills?                          
  Through severance pay.                                                  
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  Did you know that the air conditioner was invented by three             
  Jewish guys?  They did screw up by failing to have the thing            
  patented.  The CEO of the first company to mass produce it told         
  them:  "I can't pay you any royalties, but your three names will        
  be on every air conditioner sold."  And that is why, to this            
  day, you still see their names on every air conditioner:  Norm,         
  Hi and Max.                                                             
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  How many rednecks does it take to eat possum?                           
  Three. One to eat and two to watch out for cars.                        
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  What did Tonya Harding say when she got to the Olympics?                
                                                                          
  More skaters here than you can shake a stick at.                        
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 Did you hear that John Wayne Bobbitt was late to court the other day?    
                                                                          
   Yeah, he was cut off in traffic...                                     
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 Did you hear about the Newfie who won the 20 million dollar              
 lottery?  He wanted all the money now, but had to get it in              
 20 year installments.  He put up a huge fight and a scene and finally    
 said, "FINE! If you're gonna act like that, gimme back my dollar!"       
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    Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?                     
    It seats 25.                                                          
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    Q:  What's the difference between a Eunuch and an Eskimo?             
                                                                          
    A:  A eunuch is a massive vassal with a passive tassel, while an      
  Eskimo is a rigid midget with a frigid digit.                           
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    Q:  What is the definition of a Libyan diplomat?                      
                                                                          
    A:  A terrorist that ran out of ammunition!                           
                                                                          

