Ŀ
          
            ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 7   February, 1994          
                                                                        
                                                                        
         Published by Access Media Systems                              
         Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362  Data: <Node 3> (905)825-8653         
                                                                        
       Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes                          
  Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel      ۰
                                                                        
          
       Contents:                                                        
                                                                        
       Editorial                                                        
       True Silly Stories From Around The World                         
       SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP INSTRUCTION MANUAL              
       Publishers' Jeering House Sweepstakes Entry                      
       SPAM (Ingredients and cooking instructions)                      
       Keith's Komments (All About Watches)                             
       Answering Machine Messages We'd Like To Hear                     
       Flame Of The Month                                               
       Top Ten Lists!                                                   
       Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                             
       Special Section Of Michael Jackson Jokes!                        
                                                                        
          
                                                                          
    Editorial                                                             
    ---------                                                             
                                                                          
    Welcome to the 7th issue of ROTFL Digest! This may be our             
    funniest issue yet! (Or it may not... the gravity is especially       
    strong today which pulls our brains into our ankles which is          
    detrimental for anything which requires actual thought) Anyway,       
    read it and laugh!                                                    
                                                                          
    Many thanks to Keith Treichel for his "Komments"!                     
                                                                          
    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          
    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         
    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    
                                                                          

                                                                          
     Ŀ    
      ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it      
      remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may     
      be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (905)825-8653 as an ascii      
      [C]omment to Sysop, sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314, or     
      sent to sandy.illes@accmedia.com.                                 
      ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes        
      without the express written consent of the publishers.            
      Material reposted from ROTFL Digest must be credited.             
         
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       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          
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       GET YOUR SHOVELS                                                   
                                                                          
       Chicago, Ill. - Somewhere under the busy streets                   
       of Chicago lies a buried fortune worth millions                    
       of dollars. It's hidden somewhere around the 1200                  
       block of State Street under a building. When the                   
       gold was buried by farmer Felix Conway in 1860,                    
       Chicago was still a growing town with open spaces.                 
       Conway buried the fortune in gold underneath his                   
       outhouse so he wouldn't have to share the                          
       money with his wife Elsie.                                         
                                                                          
                                                                          
       COVERING HIS BETS                                                  
                                                                          
       Rome, Italy - Grieving widow Lucretia Marsicano got                
       a shock when her husband's will was read: he'd left                
       his entire $200,000 estate to Satan.                               
                                                                          
                                                                          
       IT WASN'T THAT HARD TO PREDICT                                     
                                                                          
       Kenosha County, Wisconsin - Isaas Briscoe, 20,                     
       predicted that he'd be killed by police just two                   
       days before he was shot to death by a sheriff's                    
       deputy. Briscoe was driving a stolen truck and had                 
       been involved in a hit-and-run accident shortly                    
       before being pulled over and getting into a struggle               
       with the deputy.                                                   
                                                                          
                                                                          
       KIDS, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME                                       
                                                                          
       New York, N.Y. - Chadreik Walker, 18, robbed a                     
       couple outside of a check-cashing store, then                      
       accidentally shot himself in the groin while shoving               
       his pistol back in his waistband. Walker ordered his               
       victims to take off, then headed for Maimonides                    
       Hospital, where he claimed he'd been shot by a                     
       mugger. He still had the victims' money and wallets                
       in his pants.                                                      
                                                                          
                                                                          
       I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU                                   
                                                                          
       Novato, California - A homeless man ended up in                    
       hospital after he was stabbed with a dog bone during               
       a fight at a shelter. Russell Meyers, 32, allegedly                
       stabbed Frank Anthony Cervantes, 32, several times.                
       Meyers was arrested for assault with a deadly                      
       weapon. ROTFL Digest believes the charge should have               
       been "assault with a dead weapon."                                 
                                                                          
                                                                          
       GOING OUT WITH A BANG                                              
                                                                          
       Phoenix, Arizona - 44-year old Carl Jeffrey shot                   
       himself to death after blowing up his house with                   
       explosives. He'd just lost a long and hard battle                  
       with the IRS over back taxes and had received a                    
       notice to vacate his home.                                         
                                                                          
                                                                          
       HIS DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN                                            
                                                                          
       Long Island, N.Y. - 600-pound Ed Stollow got sick                  
       and firemen had to cut a hole in the wall of his                   
       home, roll him like a log onto a door, then pass him               
       out to a waiting ambulance crew.                                   
                                                                          
                                                                          
       STUPID CROOK #789                                                  
                                                                          
       Bonn, Germany - Herbert Degar barged into a bank and               
       tried to rob it - two days after the bank went                     
       broke. The government auditor at the teller's window               
       politely advised Degar that the bank was out of                    
       business, then pushed the button for the police                    
       alarm.                                                             
                                                                          
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       SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP INSTRUCTION MANUAL                
       ===================================================                
                                                                          
       Congratulations! You have just purchased the Spiffy                
       Voom FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP! It not only allows you to               
       send and receive faxes, it will take voice messages                
       on the internal answering machine, make color                      
       photocopies of important documents like this manual,               
       grill hot dogs, fry eggs, dry your hair, replace                   
       your alarm clock, and attend school or work on your                
       behalf!                                                            
                                                                          
       Some of the options (hot dog grilling and egg                      
       frying) require the Spiffy Voom CSPU20027-1                        
       interface available for a modest fee of slightly                   
       less than the national debt.                                       
                                                                          
       How to work the SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP:                  
                                                                          
       Plug it in. If it doesn't work, then you're                        
       obviously doing something wrong. Remove the plug                   
       from the outlet in your left ear and try plugging it               
       into a wall socket while holding your other hand in                
       a bowl of water. If several zillion volts of                       
       electricity course through your body, then the                     
       equipment is working satisfactorily.                               
                                                                          
       Turn it on. A red LED display will appear by the                   
       button that says "Answer." If the red LED display                  
       does not appear, we probably sold you a defective                  
       product but there's not much point in trying to                    
       return it since we'll simply ignore you until the                  
       warranty expires or Hell freezes over - whichever                  
       comes first.                                                       
                                                                          
       Hit the button that says "Fax." This will enable you               
       to send faxes if the red LED display is on. If the                 
       red LED display is not on, pressing the "Fax" button               
       will probably cause the machine to explode and kill                
       you.                                                               
                                                                          
       Programming numbers into your machine is                           
       accomplished by calling our customer service                       
       department who will explain it much better than a                  
       goon who's writing a manual about a product he                     
       understands nothing about.                                         
                                                                          
       WARRANTY:                                                          
                                                                          
       The SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP is guaranteed                 
       to work for as long as the box remains sealed. Under               
       no circumstances should you open the box but if you                
       do, KEEP THIS PRODUCT AWAY FROM ELECTRICITY AT ALL                 
       TIMES.                                                             
Ĵ
                  Publishers Jeering House                                
                  ------------------------                                
                                                                          
       YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER IN OUR TEN MILLION                     
       DOLLAR SWEEPSTAKES! (But don't hold your breath)                   
                                                                          
       [Insert name here] is definitely the winner of TEN                 
       MILLION DOLLARS if this Final Round Entry                          
       Certificate is returned by the November 19th                       
       deadline and 37 7142 4819 12 matches the winning                   
       preselected number! (Since the number is                           
       preselected, your chances of winning are                           
       proportionate to whether or not any of our                         
       relatives live long enough to claim this prize)                    
                                                                          
       If all conditions set forth are met (namely that you               
       order some of our cheesy magazines AND hold the                    
       winning number), [Insert name here] has a 1-in-10                  
       chance to win $1000.00 or $100.00 or a free                        
       all-expenses-paid trip to the bathroom!                            
       ----------------------------------------------------               
                                                                          
       Great news [Insert name here]! You've never been                   
       closer to winning ten million dollars! (Which speaks               
       volumes for your pathetic life, but that's a whole                 
       other story)                                                       
                                                                          
       You sure know how to play the game [Insert name                    
       here]! You take advantage of every opportunity you                 
       get to enter our sweepstakes, even though no one                   
       has ever actually won to anybody's knowledge. People               
       (suckers) like you are hard to find, and because                   
       of this, we're sending a jillion more subscription                 
       offers with this sweepstakes notification.                         
                                                                          
       Remember, you can't win if you don't enter, and you                
       may as well not enter if you're not ordering                       
       magazines since we automatically trash the entries                 
       from those leeches who want something for nothing.                 
                                                                          
                                                                          
                               Best of luck!                              
                                                                          
                               [Indecipherable signature]                 
                               for Publishers Jeering House               
                                                                          
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 (from the label):                                                        
                                                                          
 SLICED SPAM LUNCHEON MEAT: Cut into 8-10 slices while trying desperately 
 and futilely not to throw up; arrange in baking dish or garbage          
 disposal. Spread with favorite sauce, glaze, or pesticide. BAKE at 425   
 degrees for 10-12 minutes or until flavor is completely destroyed, or    
 MICROWAVE at Incinerate for 2 1/2-4 minutes, or PAN-FRY slices until     
 browned on both sides or your dog starts retching.                       
                                                                          
 Ingredients: Chopped Pork Shoulder Meat, Bones And Gristle With Ham Meat 
 And Lips Added, Salt, Water, Sugar, Sodium Nitrate, And Melted Pig Eyes  
 Flavored With Lime Jello.                                                
                                                                          
 Warning: This is not a food product. Do not eat.                         
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
                          Keith's Komments      by Keith Treichel         
                            January 1994                                  
                                                                          
    Man, we thought it was cool when the first LED (light-emitting diode) 
 watches came out back in the early 70's. Press a button and glowing red  
 computer characters would reveal the time (in military format! Groovy). I
 didn't want one, though, because I knew that it would get annoying having
 to press a button to see the time. I was going to wait until "they" (who 
 are "they" anyway?) came out with a digital watch that would allow me to 
 see the time with just a glance at my wrist.                             
                                                                          
    It wasn't long before technology fulfilled my wish. I have had my     
 share of digital watches over the years, and now I sport a snazzy Casio  
 DataBank, which does the usual stop- watch, count-down timer, world      
 times, calculator, alarm clock and hourly chime. The main reason I       
 wanted it was the fact it can hold fifty (50) phone numbers. Fantastic.  
 It is also accurate to about 5 seconds per month, and of course right    
 now it is perfectly synchronized with the hourly beep on CFRB.           
                                                                          
    But I have noticed a trend lately. The old analog watch, the one      
 with  hands, is making a come-back, and I think I know why. With the     
 good old analog watch, you glance at your wrist and "absorb" the time.   
 It is not a conscious thing. Your mind knows from the position of the    
 hands that it is "oh, about quarter to four."                            
                                                                          
    Not so with a digital. I look at my watch and see that it is          
 "15:47:41". And since it is synchronized with CFRB, I know that          
 "15:47:41" is the exact time, no if's, and's or but's. Which             
 leads to the dilemma that every digital watch owner has faced,           
 namely, what do you tell someone who asks you for the time.              
 With an analog, the process is simple: glance at wrist,                  
 announce "about quarter to four". No muss, no fuss. It is not so         
 easy with a digital: glance at wrist, read "15:47:41". Do I say          
 "3:47" to the guy and reveal for all time that I really am a             
 nerd who is proud of his digital watch? Do I say "about quarter          
 to four?" No, I can't do that, because I know that it is "15:47,"        
 and I could make this guy late for an important meeting. And if          
 he is waiting for the bus, I have to be accurate. Should I               
 perform some complex arithmetic and say "thirteen minutes to             
 four?" Too complicated. Finally I decide on "3:47", but wait a           
 minute. I know this watch is right on deadly accurate (remember          
 CFRB). It isn't really 3:47. There are 41 seconds tacked onto            
 the end of the time, so it is almost 3:48! Should I round it up          
 to 3:48 for him? In that case, it is almost ten minutes to four.         
 Well, twelve minutes to four. Does this guy want the exact time,         
 or just an approximation? If I take it up to 3:50, does he want          
 me to say "three-fifty", or would he understand "ten to four"            
 better?                                                                  
                                                                          
    Who needs this stress? Give me back my cool Timex analog              
 watch I had in the sixties, which was awesome because it had             
 a little window with the date in it. At the end of every month           
 that did not have thirty-one days I had to wind it ahead 24 hours        
 to get back to the first of the month (72 hours in February).            
                                                                          
    (According to my Casio, I am finishing this column at                 
 12:16:55 a.m. Rats! I missed the CFRB beep at midnight so I could        
 make sure my watch still has the right time!)                            
                                                                          
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         ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES WE'D LIKE TO HEAR                     
         ============================================                     
                                                                          
       You have reached Hill's House Of Horrors, where                    
       nothing is quite as terrifying as the bills we                     
       receive from the telephone company.                                
                                                                          
       Thank you for calling Mel's Monstrous Telephone Bill               
       Number. Leave a message at the sound of the beep or                
       else risk being fried by the 200 gigawatts of                      
       electricity hooked up to this answering machine.                   
                                                                          
       I'm not a doctor, but I play one on my answering                   
       machine. Please undress, stick out your tongue,                    
       and leave a message.                                               
                                                                          
       The Borg assimilated and all I got was this                        
       lousy answering machine. Please leave a message...                 
       or don't. It's irrelevant.                                         
                                                                          
       You have reached [        ]. This answering machine                
       message has been rated PG (Pathetic Geek) by the                   
       BLAAH (Boring Lamers Alone At Home) Association. Try               
       to leave a message without sticking a pencil up your               
       nose.                                                              
                                                                          
       This is an encore presentation of Sandy's Recycled                 
       Used Answering Machine Messages. If you have heard                 
       this message before and left a message, press 1. If                
       you have not heard this message before, press 2. If                
       you have no intention of leaving a message, please                 
       place the telephone receiver firmly up your butt.                  
       Thank you.                                                         
Ĵ
  FLAME OF THE MONTH:                                                     
                                                                          
  It's disheartening to know that you're still alive and inflicting       
  your curse of momentary consciousness upon the masses via echomail.     
  If you are unable to get a life, I implore you to get a death.          
Ĵ
       TOP TEN LISTS                                                      
                                                                          
       Top Ten Ways To Know You Need A New Monitor:                       
                                                                          
       10. The smoke from the back of the monitor burns                   
           your eyes.                                                     
        9. You glow in the dark from the radiation.                       
        8. Only scientists wearing anti-radioactive suits                 
           and masks will visit you.                                      
        7. You're the only one who doesn't consider your                  
           radiation burns unusual.                                       
        6. You need a bucket of water to "turn off" the                   
           monitor.                                                       
        5. Your mother uses your monitor to fry eggs.                     
        4. You can recharge batteries using your monitor.                 
        3. Your sister thinks it's great for straightening                
           her hair (just push a finger into socket A).                   
        2. Your monitor now powers all of the electrical                  
           appliances in your house.                                      
        1. You don't find anything odd about any of the                   
           above.                                                         
                                                                          
       Top Ten Ways To Know You Need A New Hard Drive:                    
                                                                          
       10. The DOS prompt calls you an idiot.                             
        9. The screeching noises it makes when trying to                  
           access files wakes up the neighbours.                          
        8. You need to wear a nose filter when running the                
           drive because the fumes make you ill.                          
        7. Your cat won't even bother to shed hair on it                  
           anymore.                                                       
        6. You have time to learn Latin while waiting for                 
           a DIR.                                                         
        5. Ripley's Believe It Or Not calls and asks if                   
           they can display your hard drive in their museum.              
        4. You have to turn down your hearing aid while                   
           doing file searches on the hard drive.                         
        3. Aliens appear and ask what was that garbled                    
           message you sent them.                                         
        2. It's using more than a quart of oil per day.                   
        1. It sprays sparks around like a soldering gun.                  
                                                                          
       Top Ten Ways To Know You Need A New Computer:                      
                                                                          
       10. It says, "I can't let you do that Dave," even                  
           though your name isn't Dave.                                   
        9. It won't boot unless you put the battery                       
           recharger on it.                                               
        8. The error messages now say, "Please trade                      
           me in... please!"                                              
        7. It makes better toast than zipfiles.                           
        6. It auto-dials 911 and begs for help.                           
        5. You have to literally boot it just to get                      
           the floppy drives to work.                                     
        4. Unix systems sneer at it and call it a                         
           dweeb.                                                         
        3. Even 286's sneer at it and call it a                           
           dweeb.                                                         
        2. It acts like it thinks BIOS stands for: But I'm                
           Obviously Stupid."                                             
        1. It singes your fingers when you type on the                    
           keyboard.                                                      
                                                                          
Ĵ
Ŀ 
JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES 
 
                                                                          
                                                                          
  A fellow with legal problems came into town in a hurry and inquired     
  of the first person he saw, "Do you have any criminal lawyers here?"    
  The man replied, "Yes, three or four, but we've never been able to      
  convict any of them yet."                                               
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  Want to hear an anti-environmentalist joke?                             
  A baby seal walks into a club....                                       
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  A boy from New York was being led through the swamps of Florida.        
  "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if          
  you carry a flashlight?"                                                
  "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the           
  flashlight."                                                            
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  Billy           Mrs. Jones, can Johnny come out and play?               
  Mrs. Jones:     You know Johnny doesn't have any arms and legs!         
  Billy:          We know, we want to use him for second base.            
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
       Counsel:   Do you wish to challenge any of the jury?               
       Prisoner:  Well, I think I could lick that little fellow on this   
                  end.                                                    
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
       A man walking along the road saw an Indian lying with his ear to   
  the ground.  He went over and listened.   The Indian said, "Large       
  wheels, Ford pickup truck, green color, man driving with large police   
  dog next to him, Colorado license plate and traveling about 75 miles    
  per hour."                                                              
       The man was astounded.  "You mean you can tell all that just by    
  listening with your ear to the ground?" he asked.                       
       "Ear to the ground, nothing," said the Indian.  "That truck just   
  ran over me!"                                                           
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  British Commandos (marines) have a new C.O. who decides to test their   
  toughness by making them parade naked in the rain in the middle of a    
  cold winter night. The C.O. walks up and down the lines of commandos.   
                                                                          
 C.O. sees a rather fat belly. Kicks it hard with his heavy boot.         
 Terrible thud of boot on the man's spine. C.O. turns to the soldier-     
                                                                          
 C.O.    : "Did that hurt, man?"                                          
 Soldier : "No Sah!"                                                      
 C.O.    : "And why not?"                                                 
 Soldier : "Because I'm a commando, Sah!"                                 
 C.O.    : "Good man, good man!"                                          
                                                                          
 C.O. continues, sees a pair of feet just an inch too far forward.        
 Pretends not to notice but just after he passes he turns and stamps on   
 the toes. Blood, bone fragments etc. fly. He turns to the soldier-       
                                                                          
 C.O.    : "Did that hurt, man?"                                          
 Soldier : "No Sah!"                                                      
 C.O.    : "And why not?"                                                 
 Soldier : "Because I'm a commando, Sah!"                                 
 C.O.    : "Good man, good man!"                                          
                                                                          
 C.O. continues and sees the end of a huge long penis reaching the        
 ground in front of him. With a sadistic laugh, the C.O. stomps on        
 it, twists his boot on it , grinds it till the end is a bloody,          
 pathetic mess. He turns to the soldier-                                  
                                                                          
 C.O.    : "Did that hurt, man?"                                          
 Soldier : "No Sah!"                                                      
 C.O.    : "And why not?"                                                 
 Soldier : "Belongs to the man behind, Sah!"                              
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
City officials in Washington, D.C. recently passed a law                  
prohibiting panhandling on streets, saying, "If they want to              
live off public handouts, they can run for office like everyone           
else around here."                                                        
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
Q:  What do you call 100 rabbits in a row hopping backwards?              
A:  A receding hare line.                                                 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
       A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a          
 marriage counselor.  "When I was first married, I was very happy.        
 I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop, and my little            
 dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring my slippers.      
  Now everything's changed.  When I come home, my dog brings my           
  slippers, and my wife barks at me."                                     
       "I don't know what you're complaining about, said the              
 counselor.  "You're still getting the same service."                     
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
       Jim was having trouble with a toothache, so he decided to visit    
       the dentist.                                                       
       "What do you charge for extracting a tooth?" Jim asked.            
       "Fifty dollars," replied the dentist.                              
       "Fifty dollars for only two minute's work?" exclaimed Jim.         
       "Well," replied the dentist, "if you wish, I can extract it very   
       slowly."                                                           
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  Did you hear about the counterfeiter who got caught because             
  he'd been making money too long?                                        
  About an inch and a half too long.                                      
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  "How's Sally the waitress?"                                             
  "She's dead."                                                           
  "Dead? What happened???"                                                
  "She died from herpes."                                                 
  "You don't die from herpes!"                                            
  "You do if you give it to big Al!"                                      
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  Tired of asking the same old questions of the day's arrivals, Saint     
 Peter decided to ask about their automobiles.  When asked what kind of   
 car he'd driven, one said, "A Toyota."  Saint Peter pushed a button and  
 the applicant fell through a hole into the fiery depths below.   A       
 second drove a Mercedes.  He too went down through the hole.  A third    
 said, "I drove a Chevy."  Saint Peter opened the gates wide. "Come on    
 in," he said.  " You've been through hell already!"                      
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  Why won't Mexico be sending a team to the 1996 Olympics?                
  Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already on                 
  this side of the border.                                                
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  What has 98 feet but only 14 teeth?                                     
  The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.                               
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
   When the Scotsman inquired as to the cheapest way to sail the          
   Atlantic, the travel agent decided to have a little fun. "You can      
   go first class for $400.00, second class for $250.00, third class      
   for $150.00...OR you cans swim alongside the boat for $20.00 plus      
   tax."                                                                  
                                                                          
   "What kind of food do they throw overboard?" asked the Scot.           
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place.  We asked     
  how they prepare their chickens.                                        
                                                                          
  The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die."               
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Poo have in common?             
  Same middle name.                                                       
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
       A man came home from work and said, "Honey, I just won             
       $6 million in the lotto, go upstairs and get packed!"              
                                                                          
       His wife says, "That's wonderful!!  What should I pack?"           
                                                                          
       The man says, "I don't care, just be out of here by morning!"      
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  Q. How can you tell a Polack in a casino?                               
  A. He's the one playing the stamp machine.                              
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  Did you hear about the Tempura House?                                   
  It's a home for lightly battered women.                                 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
 What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?                    
   A vampire only sucks blood at night.                                   
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
                 A policeman spotted a woman driving                      
              and knitting at the same time. Coming up                    
              beside her, he said, "Pull over!"                           
                                                                          
                "No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"                     
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  Did you hear about the Pole who was found dead in his jail cell with    
  twelve bumps on his head?                                               
  He tried to hang himself with a rubber band.                            
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
                                                                          
  There is a drunk staggering down the sidewalk with his car's            
  ignition key between his thumb and forefinger, his zipper               
  down and his penis hanging out.                                         
                                                                          
  A cop driving down the street sees him and pulls over and               
  says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?"                                  
                                                                          
  The drunk replies, "I seem to have lost my car."                        
                                                                          
  The cop says, "How come your penis is hanging out?"                     
                                                                          
  The drunk looks down at his crotch and says, "Oh no, I've               
  lost my girl too!"                                                      
                                                                          
Ĵ
  Special Section Of Michael Jackson Jokes! (Rated TT = Totally Tasteless)
                                                                          
  Michael Jackson Jokes!                                                  
  ======================                                                  
                                                                          
       How does Michael Jackson change a lightbulb?                       
       He pretends it's a little boy and screws away.                     
--------------------------------------------------------------------      
       What's a perfect 10 to Michael Jackson?                            
       Two 5-year olds.                                                   
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       Only in a great country like America could a black boy like        
       Michael Jackson grow up to be a white woman...                     
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       Why does Michael Jackson wear his pants so short?                  
       When he gets up in the morning, sometimes he puts on the           
       wrong pair.                                                        
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       How can you tell Michael Jackson is gay?                           
       His d*ck tastes like sh*t.                                         
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       The court ordered a rectal examination of the boy who accused      
       Michael Jackson of molesting him. Do you know what they found?     
       Michael Jackson's other glove.                                     
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       I hear when Michael Jackson got out of that drug clinic            
       in Switzerland he felt like a kid again....                        
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       I hear Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor are starting an           
       organization for black people.                                     
       It's called the Ignited Negro College Fund.                        
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       What's Michael Jackson using at that Swiss drug clinic?            
       Milk of Amnesia.                                                   
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       Why does Michael Jackson shop at K-Mart?                           
       Boy's pants are already half off.                                  
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       What's the hardest stain to get out of a little boy's underwear?   
       Michael Jackson's makeup.                                          
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       Did you hear Michael Jackson has announced that he intends to      
       give up his singing career?                                        
       He wants to become a Catholic priest.                              
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       Did you see the recent announcement for Michael Jackson's          
       new band?                                                          
       The Jackson Five and Under.                                        
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       Why did they make Michael Jackson quit the Cub Scouts?             
       He was up to a pack a day.                                         
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       How does Michael Jackson screw in a lightbulb?                     
       He has a young boy firmly hold the bulb and begins screwing.       
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       How do you save Michael Jackson from drowning?                     
       Lift the 12-year old he's attached to out of the water.            
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       What's Michael Jackson's favorite sexual position?                 
       Naked moonwalking.                                                 
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       Seems Michael Jackson was seen in Utah going back to school.       
       I think it was at Bring'em Young U.                                
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       Here's something to think about: How come you see all the famous   
       Jacksons like Michael, Jermaine, Latoya, and Janet, and they are   
       all famous, and have had hundreds of plastic surgeries, but you    
       never hear about Tito anymore?                                     
                                                                          
       If you ask me, I think they killed him and scrapped him for parts. 
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       Thank god for Michael Jackson...he's restored public confidence    
       in Pee Wee Herman.                                                 
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       Have you heard about the new McDonald's Michael Jackson burger?    
       It's a slab of 30-year old meat between twelve year old buns.      
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       Did you hear that Michael Jackson is in trouble again?  He was     
       arrested trying to destroy evidence by showing up at the home of   
       Lorena Bobbitt.                                                    
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       Did you hear Michael Jackson is changing the name of his ranch?    
       From Never Never Land to......                                     
                 Well Almost Never Land!                                  
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       Q. Why did Michael Jackson return to America?                      
       A. He thought Macauley Culkin was home alone.                      
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       Did you hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?                   
       You take it home and it plays with your kids.                      
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       Did you hear Michael Jackson just purchased 20 boats?              
       Seems each one comes with a free buoy.                             
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       Why is Michael Jackson called 7-Up?                                
       That's his favorite age for boyfriends.                            
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       What will Michael Jackson do now that he's been accused of         
       child molesting?                                                   
       Beat it.                                                           
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       What do Janet and Michael Jackson have in common?                  
       They both like boys.                                               
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       What did the 12-year old say as he dried his butt after a bath?    
       Will Mikey like it?                                                

