Ŀ
          
            ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 5   December, 1993          
                                                                        
                                                                        
         Published by Access Media Systems                              
         Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362  Data: <Node 3> (905)825-8653         
                                                                        
       Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes                          
  Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel      ۰
                                                                        
          
                                                                        
                                                                        
       Contents:                                                        
                                                                        
       Editorial (Contest Announcement!)                                
       True Silly Stories From Around The World                         
       Products On Sale At Your Local Nerd World (tm) Franchise         
       My Hotdog Has A First Name                                       
       New Product Announcement (Sintendo (tm) Lameboy)                 
       How To Drive In Canada                                           
       Credit Approval Request Denied                                   
       Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                             
       Computer Virus-Of-The-Month Club                                 
       More Jokes!                                                      
          
                                                                          
    Editorial                                                             
    ---------                                                             
                                                                          
    Welcome to the fifth issue of Rolling On The Floor Laughing           
    Digest! It's contest time! Create a spoof of the fairy tale           
    "Cinderella" and send it to us at Fidonet 1:259/314. Winners will     
    receive a prize consisting of humorous decorated stationery,          
    suitable for writing really important letters or wrapping fish.       
    Winning entries will be published in a future issue of ROTFL          
    Digest. Contest ends December 15, 1993.                               
                                                                          
    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          
    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         
    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    
                                                                          

                                                                          
     Ŀ    
      ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it     
      remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may     
      be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (905)825-8653 as an ascii      
      [C]omment to Sysop, or sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314.     
      ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes        
      without the express written consent of the publishers.            
         
                                                                          
Ĵ
       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
       Danbury, Conn. - A 16-year old boy grabbed a shotgun               
       and blasted a bar disc jockey because he didn't like               
       one of the DJ's song dedications. Tyvonne Watts shot               
       23-year old Michael Johnson in the neck in front of                
       dozens of witnesses. Watts fled the bar but                        
       surrendered himself five hours later. Watts is                     
       charged with murder. If only stupidity was a                       
       crime...                                                           
                                                                          
       Hollywood News - Ex-heavyweight champion Mike Tyson,               
       in prison for rape, is receiving hundreds of letters               
       every day from female admirers. Many of them include               
       nude pictures. How is the guy supposed to learn a                  
       lesson from all this, hmmmmmm?                                     
                                                                          
       New York, N.Y. - Animal rights activists are up in                 
       arms because poachers have been capturing pigeons                  
       and cooking them. "Even pigeons deserve a better                   
       fate than somebody's stewpot," said Parks                          
       Commissioner Henry Stern. ROTFL Digest thinks the                  
       stewpot is good enough for cows and pigs... why not                
       pigeons, hmmmmm?                                                   
                                                                          
       Trenton, N.J. - 36-year old John Gardella received                 
       two years probation for sending his ex-wife a bouquet              
       of flowers. Although Gardella maintained that the                  
       flowers were intended to apologize for past                        
       squabbles, a judge said Gardella violated a                        
       restraining order forbidding him to have any contact               
       with his former mate. ROTFL Digest wonders if                      
       Gardella would have gotten the death penalty for                   
       sending a box of candy with the flowers.                           
                                                                          
       York, England - 53-year old David Matterson spent 36               
       years trying to get his driver's license before                    
       passing the test, then got busted for driving while                
       intoxicated the first time he took his new sports                  
       car out for a spin around the block.                               
                                                                          
       Tokyo, Japan - A new law prohibits people from                     
       buying a car unless they can prove they have a place               
       to park it. Japan is out of parking spaces and                     
       already has 160,000 more cars than it has parking                  
       spots. Violators face a $1,500.00 fine and three                   
       months in prison. Can folding cars be very far in                  
       the future???                                                      
                                                                          
Ĵ
 Products On Sale At Your Local Nerd World (tm) Franchise:                
                                                                          
 by Richard Platel                                                        
                                                                          
 Random Telemarketing Dialing service                                     
       Through this wonder of technology you can, from the privacy of     
       your home, randomly dial a telemarketing firm and attempt to       
       sell them Nerd World products.  4% commission for you.             
                                                                          
 Disk compactor                                                           
       Tired of those 5 1/4?  Tape drive got you down?  Shove them all    
       in the Disk Compactor(tm)!  Melts, then casts, any computer media  
       into durable 3 1/2 diskettes. (Some data integrity may be lost     
       if used on CD Roms.                                                
                                                                          
 Bunny Slippers                                                           
       Made from 100% real living bunnies.  Durable, easy to feed,        
       great with kids, puts that bounce back into your step!             
                                                                          
 Truly Universal Adapter                                                  
       (NEW!) Ever wondered what would happen if you could put            
       VHS tapes into your toaster?  Or bread into your VCR?  Now         
       you can, with the world's first completely universal adapter!      
       Millions of Uses!  Limited only by your imagination.               
                                                                          
 People's Republic of China Complete and Unabridged Phone Book on         
       CD ROM!                                                            
                                                                          
 Holes!!!!                                                                
       You've seen them on TV for years!  Now YOU can enjoy the           
       many benefits of hole ownership!  Many sizes, not recomended       
       for small children.                                                
                                                                          
 Pocket Books.                                                            
       Looks like a book, actually a small storage space. Great for       
       concealing things such as portable video games from your boss      
       or teacher.                                                        
                                                                          
 1994 Number-A-Day Calander                                               
       Every day a new number from 1 to 30, some months contain a special 
       bonus number 31!  Makes a great gift!                              
                                                                          
 Rice Paper Shirts                                                        
       Never iron again!  Simply wear and eat at the end of the day.      
       Not recomended for rainy day usage.                                
                                                                          
 Inflatable Bicycle Pump                                                  
       Compact, fits in any pocket, inflate at any local gas station!     
                                                                          
 THE Remote control                                                       
       All the functions of your VCR in everyday life!  Rewind, Fast      
       Foward and Pause anything!  Think of the possibilities!            
       Permit required for 23 states and 5 provinces.                     
                                                                          
 False Bookshelf                                                          
       Want to look well read but simply can't afford those expensive     
       classics?  Our artisans will create a realistic looking "front"    
       for your book shelf.  Choose the titles from our huge selection.   
       Also available: False CD's and Software!                           
                                                                          
 The Nerf(tm) Car                                                         
       Made of lightweight foam rubber.  Avoid accidents complely!        
       These little wonders have been driven into a brick wall at over    
       120 km/h and simply bounced off!  Great fuel economy!              
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
       My Hotdog Has A First Name                                         
       --------------------------                                         
                                                                          
       (sung to the tune of the Oscar Meyer                               
       commercial jingle)                                                 
                                                                          
       My hotdog has a first name,                                        
       It's S-P-I-K-E.                                                    
       I killed him when he ran at me,                                    
       And bit me on the knee.                                            
                                                                          
       And now he's in my tummy,                                          
       He tasted very fine.                                               
       Too bad I'm getting rabies,                                        
       "Oooh mom, I think I'm dyin'!"                                     
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
                     NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT!                            
                                                                          
       The International Network Of Crackpots is pleased to               
       announce the first public release of the Sintendo (tm)             
       Lameboy.                                                           
                                                                          
       Here are just a few of its many features:                          
                                                                          
       - Provides complete black and white graphics.                      
                                                                          
       - Costs less than a one gig drive, yet provides you                
       with at least six exciting full monochrome graphics                
       arcade games to play.                                              
                                                                          
       - A heavily adevertised product that all your                      
       friends will buy, so you'll want to buy it too.                    
                                                                          
       Hundreds of dollars have been spent developing the                 
       Sintendo (tm) Lameboy and millions have been budgeted              
       for promotional purposes. This is an item that no                  
       lamer can be without!                                              
                                                                          
       Don't understand computers? Don't even know how to                 
       turn one on? The Sintendo (tm) Lameboy                             
       was designed for idiots like you! Special two button               
       operation makes it simple to work - the Lameboy is                 
       either on or off. Even a 2-year old could work it!                 
       (We know this is true because it was developed by a                
       team of 2-year olds)                                               
                                                                          
       Why waste valuable time learning to use a keyboard                 
       when the Lameboy will play the game for you? More                  
       than that, you'll always win! None of our                          
       competitors offer such a great deal!                               
                                                                          
       The Sintendo (tm) Lameboy is available at fine                     
       stores everywhere. Credit is available to qualified                
       homeowners willing to mortgage their houses to                     
       purchase a silly toy for their spoiled children.                   
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
      Ŀ                                        
     ڴ  How To Drive In Canada: Ŀ            
                                            
                                                                        
      The speed limit on major Canadian highways is 100                 
      kilometers an hour, which is equal to 55 grams or                 
      793 liters. Wearing a seatbelt is compulsory,                     
      although the law does not specifically state that                 
      you cannot wear it around your ankles. The legal                  
      limit for intoxication is .08, which means that                   
      visitors may drink approximately 3 Canadian beers,                
      4 German beers, or 12 of those barely-containing-                 
      any-alcohol-at-all American beers.                                
                                                                        
      Regional Driving Tips:                                            
                                                                        
      In Newfoundland, be prepared to hit your brakes                   
      often because the guy in front of you driving a                   
      wrecked '67 Chevy will invariably stop suddenly                   
      to let someone driving a wrecked '62 Chevy enter                  
      into traffic. He knows that if you hit him with your              
      new Mercedes, you are at fault.                                   
                                                                        
      In Nova Scotia, elderly couples in Hondas pulling a               
      camper no larger than the State of Georgia will go                
      up a hill at 20 kilometers an hour. You can jog                   
      faster than this without getting out of breath. When              
      you try to pass them going down the hill, they will               
      gleefully increase speed to warp factor 9.                        
                                                                        
      In Prince Edward Island, be on guard against trucks.              
      This is a potato growing province and most of the                 
      traffic consists of tractor trailers hauling                      
      potatoes driven by men who would rather see you in                
      Hell than let your puny car be in front of them.                  
                                                                        
      New Brunswick consists of a lot of giant hills                    
      interspersed with broken pavement. The same elderly               
      couple with the camper that you encountered in Nova               
      Scotia will be here.                                              
                                                                        
      Quebec is a province for the fearless driver. It is               
      necessary to hold your gas pedal to the floor and                 
      close your eyes when merging into traffic. Yellow                 
      lights mean speed up and red lights mean "merde."                 
                                                                        
      Ontario drivers are afraid to speed but take it                   
      personally if you pass them. Most of them consider                
      themselves to be "keepers of the speed limit" and                 
      will do anything short of throwing a kitten in front              
      of your car to slow you down.                                     
                                                                        
      No one ever goes to Manitoba so you don't need any                
      tips for driving in this province. If you find                    
      yourself in Manitoba, you're obviously lost and                   
      should consult your road map.                                     
                                                                        
      In Saskatchewan, the roads are flat and surrounded by             
      wheat fields on every side. You are getting sleepy,               
      sleeepy, sleeeeeeeeeeeeepy....                                    
                                                                        
      Alberta is "good ol' boy" country and you are                     
      advised to watch out for pickup trucks with tires                 
      larger than the State of Florida.                                 
                                                                        
      In British Columbia, there isn't much snow. However,              
      it typically snows at least once a year and no one                
      who lives there knows how to drive in snow unless                 
      they recently moved from Quebec. This province has                
      an abundance of hills and mountains, none of which                
      can be driven upon without snow tires once a year.                
      In general, you can expect to drive in rain for many              
      consecutive days.                                                 
                 
      Ŀ                                      
     ڴ The Canadian Point System: Ŀ            
                                          
                                                                        
      Pedestrians crossing in the middle of the street: 5               
      Pedestrians using a crosswalk:                    10              
      Joggers:                                          15              
      Power walkers:                                    20              
      Mothers pushing strollers:                        25              
      Little old ladies:                                30              
      Little old ladies with lots of packages:          35              
      Little old ladies being helped by a Boy Scout:    40              
      Traffic cops:                                     45              
                 
Ĵ
                                                                          
               CREDIT APPROVAL REQUEST DENIED                             
         ============================================                     
                                                                          
       Your account is in arrears. It has constantly been                 
       in arrears since we were stupid enough to supply you               
       with a line of credit two years ago. Two office                    
       managers have been fired because of you.                           
                                                                          
       When you told us that you lost your job, it sounded                
       extremely plausible since we figured any company                   
       that hired someone like you would be obliged to fire               
       them within a few hours. When you told us your                     
       mother died - twice - we agreed to accept a late                   
       payment because it seemed immoral to impose on                     
       another human being's grief. When you advised us                   
       that your wife had twins - not remembering to                      
       mention that you meant her breasts - we agreed that                
       the financial hardship merited an extension of your                
       account.                                                           
                                                                          
       We allowed you to pay your Christmas bills in the                  
       following November because you told us your house                  
       had burned down - conveniently forgetting to note                  
       that it was an outhouse.                                           
                                                                          
       You have misled us. You have lied to us. And now                   
       you dare to ask for more credit so you can use the                 
       new credit to pay off the old credit and therefore                 
       keep your credit rating clean. Do you give us no                   
       credit for having some brains???                                   
                                                                          
       We only wish the penalty for abuse of credit was                   
       death, or at least a burning at the stake, but alas,               
       all we can do is take back our credit card, shoot                  
       your dog, and hunt you down some lonely night.                     
                                                                          
                                       The Manager                        
Ĵ
 JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES  
Ĵ
                                                                          
 Preacher:  If there is anyone in this congregation who likes gin,        
            let him get up.  Maryann, what do you like about gin?         
                                                                          
 Maryann :  Oh, excuse me preacher, I thought you said sin!               
Ĵ
 Did you hear about the new Jewish radial tires?                          
 They not only stop on a dime, but they pick it up as well.               
Ĵ
 Three men were asked what is 2 + 2.                                      
 The engineer says it is exactly 4.0000000.                               
 The economist says it is somewhere between 3 and 5, but                  
 I'm not exactly sure.                                                    
 The lawyer asks, "What do you want it to be?"                            
Ĵ
 How many Branch Davidians does it take to change a lightbulb?            
 None. They'd rather stay in the dark.                                    
Ĵ
 How many Toons does it take to change a lightbulb?                       
 None. They drop an anvil on it and voila, it works again.                
Ĵ
 How many Star Trek actors does it take to change a lightbulb?            
 Five. Kirk has to fall madly in love with the keeper of the lightbulb,   
 Spock has to meld with the lightbulb, an anonymous extra must die        
 trying to change the lightbulb, McCoy must say that the anonymous extra  
 is "dead, Jim!" and Scotty must say "The warp engines canna take much    
 more, captain!"                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
 THE COMPUTER VIRUS-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB!                                    
                                                                          
 Why wait for some lamer to upload a new variant of some virus to your    
 computer? Aren't you tired of reading about new viruses but never        
 actually seeing one? Well, now you can have your very own viruses        
 shipped directly to your door each month! For only $9.99 per month,      
 we'll send you a new virus! These viruses are guaranteed to pass         
 the most up-to-date virus scanners, and, every second month, you'll      
 have the option of ordering a customizable virus! Yes, now you can       
 dedicate a virus to whomever you please! It's easy! It's fun! It's       
 the quickest way we can make a buck off you lamers without going to      
 work!                                                                    
                                                                          
 This offer is limited to only those who will accept it. Supplies         
 may be limited (NOT!) so act now! Imagine how impressed your             
 friends will be when they see your "neat" collection of computer         
 viruses! Imagine how terrified your enemies will be!                     
                                                                          
 Think of the possibilities of having your own unique virus collection:   
                                                                          
 - Don't like your report card? Delete the data on the school's           
   computer!                                                              
 - Don't like the IRS? Upload a triple encrypted virus that will          
   make you a hero to taxpayers all over the country!                     
 - Don't like your best friend? Screw up his only copy of Wing            
   Commander!                                                             
                                                                          
 Electronic terrorism is the trend of the future, so don't be left        
 behind!                                                                  
                                                                          
 P.S. If you don't order this incredible collection, we'll find out       
 who you are and send it to you unannounced. Ha Ha Ha!                    
                                                                          
 Send cash only to:                                                       
                                                                          
 COMPUTER VIRUS-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB                                         
 12 Datacrime Way                                                         
 Stoned, Michigan                                                         
 10110100001                                                              
                                                                          
 Name: _____________________________ Alias: _____________________         
                                                                          
 Address: __________________________ Apt: _______________________         
                                                                          
 City: _____________________________ State: _____________________         
                                                                          
 Data phone: _______________________ Voice phone: _______________         
                                                                          
 I certify that I am a complete lamer who has no idea how to make         
 a computer virus but desperately want the opportunity to intimidate      
 my friends, enemies, teachers, and anyone else available for contact     
 via modem.                                                               
Ĵ
                                                                          
 You're so stupid...                                                      
                                                                          
 ...you would probably trip over a cordless phone.                        
 ...you would try to throw a coin at the ground... and miss.              
 ...you would put a quarter in a parking meter and wait for a gumball.    
Ĵ
                                                                          
 The monks of a monastary in southern England decided to do some          
 renovation work on their building, but they were badly in debt           
 and had no income.  They decided to sell fish `n' chips to make          
 some profit.  Their first customer approached one of the Brothers        
 and asked "Are you the fish fryer?"                                      
 "No," was the reply, "I'm the chip monk."                                
Ĵ
                                                                          
 An Italian, a Jew, and a Puerto Rican, come to the Pearly Gates and      
 St. Peter says, "I'm not very pleased with ANY of your records and       
 I will give you one last chance to prove your worthiness to enter        
 Heaven. I will give you each one wish and then lock you away for 20      
 years in a room, and we'll talk again then."                             
                                                                          
 The Italian asks for a woman and retires to his room. The Jew wants      
 a telephone and retires as well. The Puerto Rican wants a cigarette      
 and he retires.                                                          
                                                                          
 Twenty years pass and St. Peter opens the Italian's door. There are      
 8 children, all praying. The Italian says, "I brought these children     
 into the world to worship God and make it a better place."  St. Peter    
 lets him into Heaven.                                                    
                                                                          
 He opens the Jew's room and there is wall-to-wall money. "I started      
 a business and ran it over the phone. All this money is for the          
 glory of God".  St. Peter lets him into Heaven as well.                  
                                                                          
 He opens the Puerto Rican's door and there is the guy standing with      
 the cigarette dangling from his mouth and asks... "Hey Pete, Got a       
 light?"                                                                  
Ĵ
                                                                          
 Q.  What is the difference between the Hindenberg and Rush Limbaugh?     
                                                                          
 A.  One is a flaming Nazi gas bag, and the other is a zeppelin.          
Ĵ
                                                                          
 There was a very old woman who'd had enough of life.  One day she        
 asked her doctor how to commit suicide in a quick manner.  He told       
 her to stab herself with a sharp knife two inches below and to the       
 right of her left breast. A few days later he was called to the          
 hospital on an emergency.  He found the same ancient woman in the        
 emergency room with a horrible stab wound in her knee.                   
Ĵ
                                                                          
 My mother is very nearsighted.  She lost her glasses and                 
 now she's knitting a sweater out of spaghetti.                           
Ĵ
                                                                          
 Did you hear about the guy who accidentally fell through a harp          
 and now he's in the hospital in rooms 34, 35, and 36?                    
Ĵ
                                                                          
 The ship was sinking.  The captain called the passengers and crew        
 together and asked, "Is there anybody here who can really pray?"         
                                                                          
 One passenger said, "I pray all the time."                               
                                                                          
 The captain said, "That's terrific, because we're short one life         
 preserver."                                                              
Ĵ
                                                                          
 Two patients in a mental hospital are told to go clean their room. A     
 couple of hours later the doctor comes in and sees one of the guys on    
 the ceiling.                                                             
                                                                          
 "What are you doing up there?" the doctor asks in surprise.              
                                                                          
 "I'm a lightbulb," replies the patient.                                  
                                                                          
 "Get down from there right now and follow me!" orders the doctor.        
                                                                          
 They start walking down the corridor when the doctor notices that the    
 second patient is also following him.                                    
                                                                          
 "Why are you coming along?" the doctor inquires.                         
                                                                          
 "You don't think I'm going to clean the room in the dark, do you???"     
 replies the patient.                                                     
Ĵ
                                                                          
 A mushroom walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender          
 said, "Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here".                            
                                                                          
 And the mushroom said, "Why not? I'm a fun-gi!"                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
 Collective nouns:                                                        
                                                                          
 A neurosis of movie stars.                                               
 A beat of Los Angeles cops.                                              
 A whining of little children.                                            
 A nerd of lamers.                                                        
 A malpractice of doctors.                                                
 A sleaze of lawyers.                                                     
 A drill of dentists.                                                     
 A yacht of millionaires.                                                 
 A spam of Monty Python fans.                                             
Ĵ
                                                                          
 He's so cheap, after shaking your hand he counts his fingers.            
 He's so cheap, he even stops his watch to save time.                     
 He's so cheap, he opened his wallet once and three months flew out.      
 He's so cheap, when he pays you a compliment he asks for a receipt.      
Ĵ
                                                                          
 "Carry your bag, Sir?"                                                   
 "No, let her walk.  She needs the exercise."                             
Ĵ
                                                                          
 How does a Star Trek extra commit suicide?                               
 He beams down with the landing party.                                    
Ĵ
                                                                          
   Card in a masochist's wallet:                                          
   I am a masochist. If I am injured please let me lie here and           
   enjoy it.                                                              
Ĵ
                                                                          
   The Italian and the Polish parachutists were arguing about who         
 was best at folding a parachute.  Unable to resolve their dispute on     
 the ground, they decided to go up in the plane and judge by the mid-     
 air performance of their chutes.                                         
                                                                          
   The Pole jumped first, pulled the cord, and started floating           
 toward the earth.  The Italian jumped, pulled the cord - and nothing     
 happened.  Frantically he pulled the safety cord - again, nothing.       
 In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Pole, plummeting like a       
 stone.                                                                   
                                                                          
   "Oh," shouted the Pole, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna          
 race!"                                                                   

