Ŀ
          
            ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 4   November, 1993          
                                                                        
                                                                        
         Published by Access Media Systems                              
         Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362  Data: <Node 3> (905)825-8653         
                                                                        
       Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes                          
  Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel      ۰
                                                                        
          
                                                                        
                                                                        
       Contents:                                                        
                                                                        
       Editorial                                                        
       True Silly Stories From Around The World                         
       Manners                                                          
       The Borg Assimilate Archie Andrews                               
       Dear Blabby                                                      
       Flame Of The Month                                               
       Top Ten Lists                                                    
       Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                             
       New Software Products Due Out Any Day For Your PC!               
                                                                        
          
                                                                          
    Editorial                                                             
    ---------                                                             
                                                                          
    Welcome to the fourth issue of Rolling On The Floor Laughing          
    Digest! This electronic publication is proof that some                
    people have way too much time on their hands. :)                      
                                                                          
    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          
    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         
    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    
                                                                          

                                                                          
     Ŀ    
      ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it     
      remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may     
      be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (905)825-8653 as an ascii      
      [C]omment to Sysop, or sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314.     
      ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes        
      without the express written consent of the publishers.            
         
                                                                          
Ĵ
       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
       Vancouver, B.C. - The Humane Society seized a pig                  
       from a stripper, dubbed Nadia the Beastmaster, who                 
       had been using it in her act. ROTFL Digest wonders                 
       exactly *how she was using it in her act!                          
                                                                          
       Crystal Falls, Michigan - A 1500-year old mushroom                 
       that weighs 100 tons and spans 37 acres has been                   
       found growing in Michigan. No indication was given                 
       if someone had been found to eat it. (Mushroom soup,               
       anyone? Anyone? ANYONE???)                                         
                                                                          
       New York , N.Y. - Someone stole a box from a parked                
       car, unaware that it contained human heads. The                    
       heads were used for research at a New York medical                 
       school. ROTFL Digest imagines the robbers were                     
       trying to get a-HEAD in the world of thievery. <groan!>            
Ĵ
                                                                          
       MANNERS                                                            
Ĵ
                                                                          
       At The Movies:                                                     
                                                                          
       An evening at the movies is a very social occasion, yet most       
       people do not interact. You can do something about this by         
       following a few rules.                                             
                                                                          
       If you aren't over 6 feet tall, it is wise to wear a very          
       tall hat or hairdo. This compells the people sitting behind        
       you to instigate a conversation.                                   
                                                                          
       Whisper a lot. If you don't have a friend with you, simply         
       whisper to an imaginary friend. Tell them how much your gas        
       bill was last month, what color you wish your hair really          
       was, how the movie ends, anything you like. It's important         
       that you talk a lot, as it encourages others to join in.           
                                                                          
       Kick the seat in front of you. This will focus attention on        
       you and create an opportunity for the person sitting in that       
       seat to turn around and talk.                                      
                                                                          
       Burp a lot. This will take attention from the movie and put        
       it where it belongs - on you.                                      
                                                                          
       Chew gum and blow bubbles. Lots of people will ask, "Where         
       the he@@ did you get that gum???"                                  
                                                                          
       Cough. Although it sounds simple enough, coughing is an art.       
       Taking coughing lessons will provide you with the necessary        
       skills to impress the other movie-goers.                           
                                                                          
       Presuming you have followed all steps correctly, you will          
       have conversed with at least a dozen people before the movie       
       is over. Of course, there's a very high chance that they will      
       gang up and attack you in a dark alley after the show, but         
       you can be secure in the knowledge that you have done your         
       small part to make the world a friendlier place.                   
                                                                          
       In A Restaurant:                                                   
                                                                          
       While it is considered extremely rude to push aside the            
       people who have made reservations, it is the easiest way to        
       be seated quickly. Those people probably aren't as hungry as       
       you are, anyway.                                                   
                                                                          
       To impress your date, you should order in French. If the           
       waiter is named Jacques and seems to understand French, it is      
       wise to switch to an obscure Tibetan dialect.                      
                                                                          
       The waiter will bring you water. You are expected to drink         
       this water, although no one else ever does. Recommendation:        
       Gargle with it.                                                    
                                                                          
       Always remember your mother's advice to "chew your food forty      
       times." Then, just for the heck of it, stick out your tongue       
       and ask the waiter, "What does this remind you of?"                
                                                                          
       It is rude to talk to people with pieces of food stuck in          
       between your teeth. Always remember to remove the food chunks      
       and offer them to the other diners.                                
                                                                          
       If the maitre'd is one of those snooty types, it's always fun      
       to insist that he give you a foot massage. If he doesn't,          
       burp the "Star-Spangled Banner" while standing on your head.       
                                                                          
       Food can be fun. While spaghetti is traditionally eaten with       
       a fork, it can easily be sucked up through your nose.              
                                                                          
       Waiters appreciate it when you joke around with them. Scream       
       that your escargots are still alive and slithering into your       
       date's blouse. The waiter will enjoy it so much, he probably       
       won't even notice when you don't leave him a tip.                  
                                                                          
       Another method of bonding with the waiter involves pretending      
       to choke on a cockroach. Waiters never get along with cooks,       
       and this will indicate that you have tremendous understanding      
       and empathy for him.                                               
                                                                          
       Forks and knives can be an impediment if you're very, very         
       hungry. The best solution in this situation is to throw away       
       your cutlery and eat voraciously, not stopping until your          
       fingers are accidentally chewed to bloody stumps.                  
                                                                          
       A good meal is never complete without a cup of coffee. Stick       
       your fingers into the coffee to stop the bleeding.                 
                                                                          
       Once the meal is finished, you will be offered a doggy bag to      
       take home. Why go to the bother? It's much more practical to       
       bring your dog into the restaurant and let him lick your           
       plate clean on the spot.                                           
                                                                          
       What To Do If You Spot Elvis:                                      
                                                                          
       It is always best to be discreet, yet friendly, when dealing       
       with the undead. Offer him a manicure, since his nails will        
       certainly be ragged from scraping at the inside of his             
       coffin.                                                            
                                                                          
       Try to instill a bond of familiarity with him by saying, "I        
       don't know if you remember me, but I sat between you and           
       Bigfoot on the UFO last week."                                     
                                                                          
       Tell him that his new diet - Thinness Through Death - has          
       done absolute wonders. Elvis will certainly be glad to hear        
       that.                                                              
                                                                          
       Offer to call up the doctor who did the autopsy and arrange        
       to get Elvis's brain put back into his head.                       
                                                                          
       Do not - repeat, do not! - dangle a peanut butter and banana       
       sandwich in front of him! All those years of being buried          
       will have made him extremely hungry, and he will probably          
       kill you.                                                          
                                                                          
       On A Bus:                                                          
                                                                          
       Although there is always a sign saying, "Correct Change            
       Only," bus drivers secretly enjoy refusing to make change for      
       passengers. Insist that the driver change a fifty dollar bill      
       and you'll be his friend for life.                                 
                                                                          
       The bus may be crowded but you shouldn't have to stand up.         
       Simply throw yourself into the lap of the meekest looking          
       person with a seat.                                                
                                                                          
       Riding a bus can be a socially invigorating experience. Start      
       up a conversation with the person sitting next to you. If          
       they seem too agreeable, loudly point out that their breath        
       stinks. This is certain to engender some lively conversation.      
                                                                          
       A gang of teenagers will invariably get on the bus, carrying       
       a loud radio. Since the noise is bound to interfere with your      
       conversation, you should scream at them to turn it off. They       
       will probably knife you, necessitating an emergency trip to        
       the hospital to have your leg reattached. While you're             
       recovering, you will have the wonderful memories of your bus       
       trip to help speed your recovery.                                  
                                                                          
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       The Borg Assimilate Archie Andrews                                 
Ĵ
                                                                          
       Scene: Riverdale High, where Archie is quietly                     
       leaving the school after having served detention.                  
       Suddenly, a Borg ship appears in the sky.                          
                                                                          
       Borg: We must assimilate these earthlings. We must                 
       begin with this red-haired one right now.                          
                                                                          
       Archie is transported to the Borg ship. He looks at                
       the strange spaceship.                                             
                                                                          
       Archie: Whoa! Wait till the gang hear about this!                  
                                                                          
       Borg: Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.               
                                                                          
       Archie: I have a date with Ronnie tonight so you'd                 
       better get this assimilation over with quickly.                    
                                                                          
       Borg (to each other): What is "Ronnie"?                            
                                                                          
       Archie: Veronica Lodge. She gets totally out of                    
       joint if I'm even one minute late.                                 
                                                                          
       Just then, an emergency warning beeps throughout the               
       Borg ship.                                                         
                                                                          
       Borg (to each other): A Federation ship approaches!                
                                                                          
       Archie: Federation... assimilation... this stuff is                
       going to make me late!                                             
                                                                          
       The Borg begin attacking the Federation ship, which                
       conveniently enough for this story, happens to be                  
       the Enterprise. Naturally, Captain Picard creates a                
       new maneuver to prevent being destroyed, while Riker               
       attempts to have sex with a Borg female.                           
                                                                          
       As the battle ends, Archie is beamed over to the                   
       Enterprise.                                                        
                                                                          
       Archie: Oh no! I suppose you want to assimilate me                 
       too???                                                             
                                                                          
       Picard: I am Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation                     
       starship USS Enterprise. We just saved your life.                  
                                                                          
       Archie: Oh great. So Ronnie can kill me later...                   
                                                                          
       Picard: Where are you from?                                        
                                                                          
       Archie: Riverdale.                                                 
                                                                          
       Picard: And what planet is that on?                                
                                                                          
       Archie: Earth!                                                     
                                                                          
       Picard: Oh no! The Borg transported you through a                  
       time warp! You're in a different century.                          
                                                                          
       Archie: Well, this has been fun, but I really have                 
       to go now.                                                         
                                                                          
       Picard: There's nowhere for you to go, I'm afraid.                 
                                                                          
       Archie moans softly.                                               
                                                                          
       Riker enters the room with a Borg babe on his arm.                 
                                                                          
       Riker: Perhaps we can fly into the Sun to set the                  
       chronometer backwards?                                             
                                                                          
       Picard: Naw. Captain Kirk already did that.                        
                                                                          
       Data: If it worked before, it should work now.                     
                                                                          
       Picard: Isn't there something more original we can                 
       do? We already ripoff the old Star Trek plots too                  
       much as it is.                                                     
                                                                          
       Geordi: Perhaps if I doubled the interlink of the                  
       anti-matter transistor thingamajigs and got a 16.8                 
       connect on the subspace skylink while using a DOS                  
       interface (preferably without Windows) and then                    
       uploaded the past into the present.... of course, it               
       would kill him, but otherwise, I think it could                    
       work.                                                              
                                                                          
       Picard: We'd prefer to send him back alive.                        
                                                                          
       Geordi: Darn! Okay, how about this: I implode his                  
       subatomic particles in the transporter, put them                   
       into a bottle, drop it into space, and someone in                  
       another time opens the bottle to free him?                         
                                                                          
       Riker: Too risky. How do we know he'll end up in his               
       own time?                                                          
                                                                          
       Geordi: We don't. But he won't be our problem                      
       anymore.                                                           
                                                                          
       Data: I have a suggestion, Sir. Perhaps if Geordi                  
       can hook this earthling teenager into my high speed                
       duotronic full duplex bidirectional brain, I can put               
       on a pair of red shoes, click them together three                  
       times, and wish for him to be in Kansas. I saw that                
       in a movie once, Sir.                                              
                                                                          
       Picard (to Archie): Is Kansas near Riverdale?                      
                                                                          
       Archie: No.                                                        
                                                                          
       Picard: Sorry Data, but we have to bring him back to               
       exactly where he belongs. Can't take any chances on                
       changing the past.                                                 
                                                                          
       Troi enters the transporter room.                                  
                                                                          
       Troi: I sensed the need for my presence.                           
                                                                          
       Archie (eyes popping out): Va-va-voom!                             
                                                                          
       Picard: We need to get this boy back to his own time               
       so the future of the world won't be changed.                       
                                                                          
       Troi: That is a perplexing problem, Sir. I suggest                 
       we call the Traveller.                                             
                                                                          
       Picard: Brilliant idea! Where's Wesley?                            
                                                                          
       Troi: He left the show a while ago.                                
                                                                          
       Picard: Well, get him back NOW!                                    
                                                                          
       The officers scramble amid cries of "Yes, SIR!"                    
                                                                          
       A few hours later, Wesley is onboard the Enterprise.               
                                                                          
       Wesley: What can I do for you, Sir?                                
                                                                          
       Picard: Get the Traveller. We need his help to send                
       this boy back to his own time.                                     
                                                                          
       Wesley: Why didn't you just call him yourself? His                 
       phone number is in my mom's rolodex.                               
                                                                          
       Picard: Don't annoy me with practical suggestions!                 
       This is STAR TREK for God's sake! We can't solve                   
       problems as easily as that!                                        
                                                                          
       Wesley: Sorry, Sir. Why didn't you fly backwards                   
       into the Sun and reset the chronometer?                            
                                                                          
       Picard: Because IT'S BEEN DONE!!!                                  
                                                                          
       Wesley (quivering): Sorry, Sir!                                    
                                                                          
       Wesley goes to the telephone and calls the                         
       Traveller, who gladly sends Archie Andrews back to                 
       his own time.                                                      
                                                                          
       The moral of the story is: He who assimilates last,                
       assimilates best.                                                  
Ĵ
                                                                          
       Dear Blabby,                                                       
                                                                          
       Why can't I win the lottery?                                       
                                                                          
       >You have to buy a ticket!                                         
                                                                          
       Dear Blabby,                                                       
                                                                          
       I recently pulled out all of my hair in frustration.               
       What should I do now?                                              
                                                                          
       >Start pulling out your leg hair.                                  
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
       Flame Of The Month:                                                
                                                                          
       I considered replying to your inarticulate,                        
       injudicious, and unintelligible message, but                       
       reconsidered after considering the possibility that                
       others might accidentally believe that I know you.                 
                                                                          
       Please desist from this sick compulsion to                         
       intellectually barf all over the net.                              
                                                                          
Ĵ
 Top Ten Lists!                                                           
Ĵ
 From: SANDY ILLES                                                        
                                                                          
 Top Ten Lines Guaranteed To Heat Up Your Modem:                          
                                                                          
 10. Of course, I don't expect YOU to understand since it takes someone   
     with at least the intelligence of a retarded chimpanzee.             
 9.  Sorry to hear of your recent brain death.                            
 8.  Don't be such an idiot! Oops... forgot who I was talking to...       
 7.  I'm sure you're not a complete idiot - parts must be missing.        
 6.  It's hard to believe some biology lab hasn't dissected you yet.      
 5.  0-60 in one second mouth, 0-0 in one second brain.                   
 4.  Surely no one actually believes such a stupid thing?                 
 3.  You could raise your IQ by becoming a moron.                         
 2.  Why don't you go get some spelling lessons? (Many variations but all 
     of them are successful in offending the e-mail recipient)            
 1.  Didn't you play the personality of Booger in "Revenge Of The Nerds"? 
                                                                          
 * All of the above lines are flame-bait. Author is not responsible for   
 combustibles generated by use of these flames. Furthermore, it is        
 advised that asbestos gloves be worn when at the keyboard using these    
 flames. Failure to do so may result in electrocution or, at the very     
 least, CPU meltdown.                                                     
                                                                          
 From: SANDY ILLES                                                        
                                                                          
 Top Ten Things I'd Rather Do Instead Of Watching Anything With Madonna   
 In It (This Includes Videos, Books, Magazines, Movies, And Super-8       
 Swedish Erotica Home Movies Made By The 3 Billion Men And Women She Has  
 Already Served):                                                         
                                                                          
 10. Poke my eyes out with hot needles.                                   
 9.  Have a 2-for-1 prefrontal lobotomy at McSurgeon's drive-thru.        
 8.  Eat a McDonald's hamburger.                                          
 7.  Bathe in SPAM that has been liquified through age.                   
 6.  Eat tequila worms.                                                   
 5.  Go to Paris and be insulted by the rude French waiters.              
 4.  Eat Haggis while drinking Ovaltine through a straw inserted into my  
     nose.                                                                
 3.  Spend a week in the Andes with the original survivors of the story   
     "Alive."                                                             
 2.  Look at some geek's x-rated GIF collection - which probably includes 
     Madonna so cross number 2 off this list.                             
 1.  Spend a week trying to get Kim Campbell to take a stand on           
     something... anything...                                             
                                                                          
 From: SANDY ILLES                                                        
                                                                          
 Top Ten Things Most Likely To Be Found In Water:                         
                                                                          
 10. Urine from that little kid who just couldn't hold onto his bladder.  
 9.  Vomit from that little kid who insisted on eating a couple of hot    
     dogs before swimming.                                                
 8.  Avon-scented sweat from really fat women.                            
 7.  Fish feces.                                                          
 6.  Fish urine.                                                          
 5.  Eye snot from early morning swimmers.                                
 4.  Nose snot from little kids who never remember to blow their noses    
     before going swimming.                                               
 3.  Multitudes of bacteria.                                              
 2.  Toejam.                                                              
 1.  Raw sewage.                                                          
                                                                          
 From: SANDY ILLES                                                        
                                                                          
 Top Ten Reasons To Vote For Sandy As Ruler Of The World:                 
                                                                          
 10. Mondays will be abolished.                                           
 9.  Days will not start until the crack of noon.                         
 8.  Free gifts for everyone!                                             
 7.  Axl Rose will be nominated as my foreign affairs minister, so things 
     promise to get *real* exciting.                                      
 6.  Unlike Kim Campbell, I am able to actually say something when I      
     speak.                                                               
 5.  Unlike Brian Mulroney, I'm not a psychopathic liar.                  
 4.  Unlike Jean Chretien, I don't have a "cute" accent. ("Dis is da time 
     for change, mes amis!")                                              
 3.  I promise to drink lots of coffee while typing at my keyboard.       
 2.  I promise to remain totally uninterested in war, free trade, and     
     all-expenses-paid fact-finding trips to Hawaii in January.           
 1.  I promise to have the Surgeon General locked in a room with fifty    
     chainsmokers. ("Smoking is bad for you... eating is bad for you...   
     breathing is bad for you... whine, whine, whine... )                 
                                                                          
 From: SANDY ILLES                                                        
                                                                          
 Top Ten Jokes That Made Me Laugh Out Loud Lately:                        
                                                                          
 10. You know you're a redneck if your father is also your uncle.         
 9.  You know you're a redneck if you think a family reunion is a good    
     place to meet women.                                                 
 8.  You know you're a redneck if you mow your front yard and find a      
     pickup truck.                                                        
 7.  You know you're a redneck if your father walks you to school and     
     you're in the same grade.                                            
 6.  What does a 14-year old South Carolina girl say after sex? "Get offa 
     me, Pa! Yer crushin' my cigarettes!"                                 
 5.  What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's         
     Witness? Someone who bangs on your door Sunday morning at 8:00 am    
     and tells you to go to Hell.                                         
 4.  Two Hell's Angels met on the street. "I heard you got married," said 
     the first. "How's the sex?" "Not that great," replied his friend,    
     "but at least you don't gotta wait on line."                         
 3.  You know you're a redneck when your grandmother says, "Hey, come and 
     look at this before I flush it!"                                     
 2.  Did you hear about the new Italian sports car called the Mafia? It's 
     got a hood under the hood and a real nice body - in the trunk.       
 1.  What's the difference between a Jewish mother and an Italian mother? 
     An Italian mother says, "Eat all the food on your plate or I'll kill 
     you!" A Jewish mother says, "Eat all the food on your plate or I'll  
     kill myself!"                                                        
                                                                          
Ĵ
 JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES  
Ĵ
                                                                          
 A woman went to the pet shop and looked at a parrot. She                 
 asked the shop owner, "Is he smart?"                                     
                                                                          
 "Is he smart, lady?  Does a bear sh*t in the woods?                      
 This bird is so smart he speaks six languages!"                          
                                                                          
 So she bought him and brought him home.                                  
                                                                          
 She had to go out, but her husband came home.  Seeing that she           
 had spent all of the grocery money on this parrot, and there was         
 no food in the house, the husband - who was starving -                   
 strangled the bird, plucked it, cleaned it, and cooked it.               
 When his wife came home, dinner was served.                              
                                                                          
 She screamed, "How could you do this?"                                   
                                                                          
 To which he replied, "Hey, we gotta eat!"                                
                                                                          
 She said, "This bird was brilliant!  He spoke six languages!"            
                                                                          
 To which he said, "Oh yeah? If he was so fu*king smart, why              
 didn't he say something?"                                                
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 Q.  How many Conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?           
 A. Thirty: one to do it, and 29 to stuff it down everyone's throat.      
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
                          THE NEW PRIEST                                  
                                                                          
  A new priest at his first mass was so scared, he could                  
  hardly speak. After the Mass was over he asked the                      
  Monsignor how he'd done. The Monsignor said fine, but                   
  next time it might help if you put some gin or vodka                    
  in your glass to help relax you. The next Sunday the                    
  priest put some vodka in his glass and really talked                    
  up a storm. After the Mass he asked the Monsignor how                   
  he'd done. The Monsignor says fine but there are                        
  a few things we need to get straightened out:                           
                                                                          
  1) There are 10 commandments not 12                                     
  2) There are 12 disciples not 10                                        
  3) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him              
  4) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.                     
  5) Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St.                  
     Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's                   
  6) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as            
     Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook                                     
  7) They crucified Jesus, they didn't nail his ass to the cross          
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 A man was out driving when he saw a police car in his rear-view mirror,  
 with it's siren wailing. The man pulled over and the police car stopped  
 behind him. The policeman approached the man's car and said to the man:  
 "Do you know that your wife fell out of the car five miles back?"        
                                                                          
 The man replied: "Oh thank God! I thought I had gone deaf!"              
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 Leroy, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees    
 a building on fire.  A lady is standing on a third-storey ledge holding  
 her pet cat in her arms.                                                 
                                                                          
    "Hey, lady," yells Leroy, "Throw me the cat."                         
    "No," she cries, "It's too far."                                      
    "I play football, I can catch him."                                   
                                                                          
 The smoke is pouring from the windows, so finally the woman waves to     
 Leroy, kisses her cat good-bye, and tosses it down to the street.        
 Leroy keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.     
 The feline bounces off an awning and Leroy runs into the street          
 to catch it.  He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular     
 one-handed catch.  The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire         
 breaks into cheers.                                                      
                                                                          
 Leroy does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his     
 knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.             
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 A lawyer and his brother, a doctor, were hunting.  A mountain lion       
 jumped out in front of them and started snarling.                        
                                                                          
 The doctor asked, "What should we do?"                                   
                                                                          
 The lawyer said, "I'm gonna run for it!"                                 
                                                                          
 The doctor replied, "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"                  
                                                                          
 The lawyer said, "I don't have to outrun HIM - I only have to            
 outrun YOU!"                                                             
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 A man had a weird illness.  Whenever he broke wind, it made the sound    
 "Honda."  He asked his doctor about it but the doctor (after months of   
 tests and literature-reading) could not figure it out. Finally, just     
 before he was about to give up, he had an idea. "I'll call the Honda     
 Company in Japan and ask the company doctor!"  Well, he called the       
 Japanese doctor and was told by him to see if the patient had an         
 abscess in his teeth somewhere.  Sure enough, there was, and when it     
 was treated, the other affliction ended.  When the doctor asked his      
 Japanese counterpart how he could make such a great diagnosis over       
 the phone from such a long distance away the man replied:                
                                                                          
 "Simple. Abscess makes a fart go Honda."                                 
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 Q:  Did you hear what happened to the blonde tap-dancer?                 
                                                                          
 A:  She fell into the sink.                                              
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse             
 fell and broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he               
 warned her not to climb any stairs.                                      
                                                                          
  Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.                     
                                                                          
  "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.                    
                                                                          
  "Yes," he replied.                                                      
                                                                          
  "Thank goodness!" she said.  "I'm sick and tired of shinnying           
  up and down that drainpipe!"                                            
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 How can you tell if an Ethiopian woman is pregnant?                      
 Hold her up to the light.                                                
                                                                          
 [Take a comb and hold it upside-down] What's this?                       
 A hundred Ethiopians carrying a canoe.                                   
                                                                          
 How many Ethiopians can you put in a shower?                             
 I don't know they keep falling down the drain.                           
                                                                          
 How many Ethiopians can you put in a Volkswagen?                         
 All of 'em!                                                              
                                                                          
 How do Ethiopians camouflage themselves?                                 
 They stand sideways.                                                     
                                                                          
 What's the world's fastest animal?                                       
 -The Ethiopian Chicken.                                                  
                                                                          
 What's the world's second fastest animal?                                
 -The Ethiopian running after it.                                         
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 Q: What's a brunette's idea of the ideal weight of a blonde?             
 A: Two kilos, including the URN.                                         
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 Q: How do you get 50 Jewish people in a car?                             
 A: Throw a dime inside.                                                  
                                                                          
 Q: How do you get 50 germans in a car?                                   
 A: Throw a Jewish person inside.                                         
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 "I just got a new hearing aid.  It's the best one I've ever had."        
                                                                          
 "What kind is it?"                                                       
                                                                          
 "Oh, about 9:30......."                                                  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
     The dumb blonde was invited on an outing so she decided              
     to shop for some luggage. She asked the clerk, "Do you have          
     any overnight cases?"                                                
                                                                          
     "Yes'm," he said.                                                    
                                                                          
     "You'd better give me seven of them, then. I'll be gone a week."     
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 A sensational new shortstop was being interviewed by the press.          
 The trouble was, the guy spoke so quietly no one could hear him.         
 One of them finally asked the coach, "What's the matter with him?"       
 "Nothing at all," replied the coach.  "That's just the way the           
 rookie mumbles."                                                         
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
What do you call a dog with no legs?                                      
                                                                          
Doesn't matter, it won't come anyway.                                     
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
What do you do with a dog with no arms and no legs?                       
                                                                          
Take it for a drag.                                                       
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 There was this guy who went to Spain.  One day, he goes over to          
 the bullfights and watches as the bullfighter kills the bull. After that 
 afternoon of excitement he got hungry and went over to a cafe right next 
 to the arena.                                                            
                                                                          
 There he looks at the menu, and orders the special, "Meatballs."         
 The waiter comes out with 2 huge meatballs, and the guy eagerly eats it. 
 The bullfight was so interesting, he came back the next day, and went    
 over to the cafe again to have the delicious meatballs. This continued   
 on for 5 or so days, until the guy goes to the cafe, and the waiter      
 comes out with 2 dinky little balls.                                     
                                                                          
   "What's wrong with the meatballs? Why are they so small?" asks the     
   man.                                                                   
                                                                          
   "Well, Senor," said the waiter, "sometimes dee bull weens."            
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
                                                                          
 You Know You're A Redneck If:                                            
                                                                          
 You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.                    
 You own a homemade fur coat.                                             
 You burn your front yard instead of mow it.                              
 Your wife has ever said "Come move this transmission so I can take       
 a bath."                                                                 
 You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.                                
 Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.                     
 Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."                             
 You've ever given rat traps as a gift.                                   
 You always answer the front door with a baseball bat in                  
 your hand.                                                               
 Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.                    
 Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.                            
 You've never paid for a haircut.                                         
 The taillight covers on your car are made of tape.                       
 Your car has never had a full tank of gas.                               
 You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.                               
 You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.                             
 Your kid takes a siphon hose to "Show & Tell."                           
 You've ever bought a used cap.                                           
 Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."                 
 You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.                          
 Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.                          
 Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.                                  
 You can entertain yourself for more than 1 hour with a fly               
 swatter.                                                                 
 You've ever stolen toilet paper.                                         
 Your baby's favorite teething ring is a garden hose.                     
 Your pocket knife has ever been refered to as "Exhibit A."               
 Your wife ever burned out an electric razor.                             
 You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.                  
 Your Xmas cards include a Xerox copy of your butt.                       
 Your bumper stick says "My other car is a combine."                      
 You prefer car keys to Q-tips.                                           
 You list your parole officer as a reference.                             
 Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.                                
                                                                          
Ĵ
       New Software Products Due Out Any Day For Your PC!                 
Ĵ
                                                                          
       PC-TOILET v1.0                                                     
                                                                          
       This new product for IBM and compatible computers replaces         
       those silly trashcans. Yes, instead of dumping your old            
       files into a trashcan, you can flush them down the toilet!         
       Comes with PCTOILETPAPER to clean up those messy files that        
       are hard to flush.                                                 
                                                                          
       PC-PAINTER v1.0                                                    
                                                                          
       Not a graphics drawing program, PCPAINTER will actually            
       paint your house for you! No more having to lose valuable          
       computer time because your wife wants to repaint the               
       kitchen! Once installed onto a 1 gig drive, PCPAINTER will         
       be capable of painting your house in a VGA 256-color               
       palette.                                                           
                                                                          
       PC-PEPSI v1.0                                                      
                                                                          
       Instead of buying a can of Pepsi and risking infectious            
       diseases through the needles randomly inserted in cans, you        
       can use PCPEPSI to simulate the look, taste, and smell of          
       real Pepsi! It bubbles, it fizzes, it's better than the real       
       thing because you can't catch any diseases from it! Just be        
       careful not to spill it on your keyboard!                          
                                                                          
       PC-NICOTINE v1.0                                                   
                                                                          
       Why spend thousands of dollars a year on cigarettes when           
       PC-NICOTINE will provide all the carcinogens you need for the      
       low, low price of $39.95??? (SmellBlaster (tm) card required)      
                                                                          
       PC-SYSOP v1.0                                                      
                                                                          
       The ultimate program for BBS Sysops! Why waste time replying       
       to messages that say "Yuor bord sukz and I nede more filz          
       rite now or I'l hak you, sukker!" when PC-SYSOP can send 50        
       million volts of electricity through the modem and straight        
       up their patooties? Avoid aggravation with PC-SYSOP!               
                                                                          
       PC-JOKES v1.0                                                      
                                                                          
       The ultimate joke generator that creates original                  
       jokes from its database of commonly used DOS words.                
       Examples: Why did the Alzheimer's victim fail the                  
       science quiz? C:\DOS\Out of memory. How many crooks                
       does it take to steal a lightbulb? C:\DOS\Illegal                  
       function call. This program has a million of 'em!                  
                                                                          
       PC-RUDEMAIL v1.0                                                   
                                                                          
       Why be insulted via echomail by rude people that are               
       thousands of miles away, when PC-RUDEMAIL will provide the         
       same features without a time lag? No more waiting 3-4 days         
       to have someone in Australia tell you that you're an idiot -       
       your computer can cut out the middleman and tell you that          
       you're an idiot right away!                                        
                                                                          
       PC-GHOST v1.0                                                      
                                                                          
       Have you ever wondered if your computer was haunted? Now it        
       can be, with PC-GHOST! Guaranteed to send at least one angry       
       spirit screaming after your hardware. Takes the guesswork          
       out of figuring out what those strange sounds mean that            
       drive a:\ is making... they're the hollerings of the undead!       
                                                                          
       PC-TABLOID v1.0                                                    
                                                                          
       Why wait for next week's issue of the Weekly World News when       
       PC-TABLOID can give you the headlines in advance? Elvis Is         
       Secretly Engaged To The Face On Mars! Elvis Is Hillary's           
       Secret Lover! Plus Lots More! PC-TABLOID is guaranteed to          
       check its facts just as closely as the Weekly World News.          
                                                                          
       PC-LAMER v1.0                                                      
                                                                          
       Don't be insulted by elite warez d00dz - let PC-LAMER do it        
       for you! Every time you boot your system, it will remind you       
       that you're a pathetic lamer and will make rude sounds using       
       your LamerBlaster (tm) card to ensure you don't ignore it.         
                                                                          
       PC-PIR8 v1.0                                                       
                                                                          
       Don't let the elite warez d00dz be one up on you - let             
       PC-PIR8 translate all your echomail messages! If you write         
       "Where can I get an illegal copy of Wordperfect 6.0,"              
       PC-PIR8 will translate it to "Hey man, eye nede a cracked          
       copy of WP6 for my warez colection." Spelling options              
       include Bad, Very Bad, and Moronic.                                
                                                                          
       PC-GEEK v1.0                                                       
                                                                          
       Why spend your Friday nights memorizing a dictionary? Let          
       PC-GEEK do it for you! Yes, now you can finally have the           
       time to change that bandage on your glasses so you can view        
       your x-rated GIF collection a little more clearly! Includes        
       bonus gifts: a pocket protector and a nasal decongestant           
       spray.                                                             
                                                                          
       PC-TEENGIRL v1.0                                                   
                                                                          
       A Sysop utility that eliminates the need for begging females       
       to call your board. PC-TEENGIRL creates random messages at         
       Sysop configurable frequencies (try putting it in your             
       board.bat if you want to see the teenaged boys slobber!).          
       PC-TEENGIRL messages are designed specifically for PC-GEEK         
       kinds of guys. Options include: flirtatious, sexy,                 
       and "babelicious."                                                 
                                                                          

