Ŀ
          
            ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 3   October, 1993           
                                                                        
                                                                        
         Published by Access Media Systems                              
         Voice/Fax: (416)847-7362  Data: <Node 3> (416)825-8653         
                                                                        
       Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes                          
  Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel      ۰
                                                                        
          
                                                                        
                                                                        
       Contents:                                                        
                                                                        
       Editorial                                                        
       True Silly Stories From Around The World                         
       How To Tell Someone's Birth Sign Just By Looking At Them         
       An Imaginary Interview With Richard Platel                       
       Dear Blabby                                                      
       The ROTFL Dictionary                                             
       Insults For All Occasions                                        
       Flame Of The Month                                               
       Great Collection Of Top Ten Lists                                
       Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                             
          
                                                                          
    Editorial                                                             
    ---------                                                             
                                                                          
    Welcome to the third issue of Rolling On The Floor Laughing           
    Digest! What, are we still here, you ask? You betcha!                 
                                                                          
    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          
    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         
    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    
                                                                          

                                                                          
     Ŀ    
      ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it     
      remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may     
      be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (416)825-8653 as an ascii      
      [C]omment to Sysop, or sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314.     
      ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes        
      without the express written consent of the publishers.            
         
                                                                          
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       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          
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       Volusia County, Florida - Hunter Michael Kelly hid                 
       in the woods and gobbled like a turkey waiting for                 
       an unsuspecting bird to answer his call. Apparently,               
       the turkey call was too realistic, because Kelly was               
       shot by another hunter who thought Kelly was a real                
       live bird.                                                         
                                                                          
       Munich, Germany - A 345-pound boozer broke his neck                
       while trying to get into a locked bar by crawling                  
       through a tiny bathroom window. He toppled over,                   
       landed on his head, and snapped his neck like a                    
       twig. Guess it wasn't "the right time now" for this                
       Bud man.                                                           
                                                                          
       Wichita, Kansas - An unidentified woman was burned                 
       to a crisp when she lit up a cigarette and ignited                 
       the hairspray on her head. Yet one more reason for                 
       women to choose the natural look...                                
                                                                          
       Vladrus, Russia - Town council voted 9-2 in favor of               
       changing the name of their town to America. While                  
       the councillors say it will "honor the world's                     
       greatest democracy," ROTFL Digest believes it's                    
       simply a clever way to stamp their produced goods                  
       with the label "Made in America."                                  
                                                                          
       Paris, France - Housewife Catherine Deck got so mad                
       at her husband, Alain, that she hit him with a giant               
       cucumber - killing him instantly. Who says                         
       vegetables will make you live longer???                            
                                                                          
       Berlin, Germany - 61-year old Erik Heinegar, who                   
       should have known better, was teasing a monkey at                  
       the zoo when the animal snatched Heinegar's glass                  
       eye.                                                               
                                                                          
       Salzberg, Austria - 41-year old Boris Herzman                      
       disarmed a gun-toting robber by buying the weapon                  
       from him - and he even got the thug to sign his real               
       name to the receipt. Herzman picked up hitchiking                  
       crook Kirk Glaser on a highway near Salzberg,                      
       unaware that the police were hunting for this                      
       man. When Herzman noticed the rifle under                          
       Glaser's coat, he had an idea. "I couldn't help                    
       noticing your rifle," he said, "how much do you want               
       for it?" Glaser said he'd sell it for $100.00 but                  
       Herzman said he only had $50.00 on him. Glaser                     
       agreed to the sale just before he was to be dropped                
       off at an exit. Once Herzman was alone in his car,                 
       he went directly to the police.                                    
                                                                          
       Hamburg, Germany - Six cops rushed to an apartment                 
       to break up a noisy brawl and when they broke down                 
       the door, discovered the fight was between a man and               
       his dog. Stunned patrolmen found Fritz Reilov, 43,                 
       and his dog Adolph face-to-face on the floor,                      
       snarling, snapping, and biting eat other to bloody                 
       pieces. The fight began when Reilov bit his dog's                  
       nose because the stubborn terrier refused to fetch                 
       his newspaper. It is unknown if the dog pressed                    
       charges. <g>                                                       
                                                                          
       El-Alamein, Egypt - Cab driver Alla Dalhanna held                  
       his sunglasses in his mouth as he drove down the                   
       street, when he had a fender-bender and choked to                  
       death on the glasses. Yet one more reason to wear                  
       contact lenses...                                                  
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       How To Tell Someone's Birth Sign Just By Looking At Them:          
                  
       Aries the Ram - Easily identifiable by their horns                 
       and cloven hooves, Aries can be found knocking down                
       glass displays in fine stores everywhere.                          
                                                                          
       Taurus the Bull - They snort a lot and want to gore                
       you if you wear the color red. Can be found grazing                
       in fields during the summer.                                       
                                                                          
       Gemini the Twins - They change their minds so                      
       quickly, you need a scorecard to keep up with them.                
       Geminis are easily identifiable by their forked                    
       tongues and an inability to keep quiet for more than               
       two seconds.                                                       
                                                                          
       Cancer the Crab - They like to eat. They like to eat               
       a lot. If their hips are less than 40 inches,                      
       they've been on the Bobby Sands diet at Her                        
       Majesty's Prison And Reducing Salon.                               
                                                                          
       Leo the Lion - The mane and whiskers usually give                  
       Leos away. Also, they have a tendency to eat raw                   
       meat while growling.                                               
                                                                          
       Virgo the Virgin - The chastity belt is usually the                
       easiest way to determine if someone is a Virgo. They               
       won't kiss on the first, second, third or fourth                   
       date (or anniversary) and can be found getting                     
       marriages annulled in fine courts all over the                     
       continent.                                                         
                                                                          
       Libra the Scales - They want balance in their lives,               
       but more than that, they want to get those                         
       furshlugginner scales off their scalps. Can often be               
       found in pharmacies buying copious quantities of                   
       Head And Shoulders.                                                
                                                                          
       Scorpio the Scorpion - Easily identifiable by the                  
       fact that they like to sting their enemies, Scorpios               
       are very intense.                                                  
                                                                          
       Sagittarius the Archer - They look like horses and                 
       snort a lot. To find out if someone is a                           
       Sagittarius, offer them a sugar cube - if they count               
       to 10 by stomping a foot, then you've assessed them                
       correctly.                                                         
                                                                          
       Capricorn the Goat - Can be found grazing on grass,                
       unrecycled newspaper, and old tin cans in fields and               
       zoos all over the continent.                                       
                                                                          
       Aquarius the Water-Bearer - Easily recognized by the               
       fluoridation in their florid faces. They assume                    
       water is healthy because fish live in it, too often                
       forgetting that fish also defecate in it.                          
                                                                          
       Pisces the Fish - They can be found pathetically                   
       swimming in empty lakes, fondly remembering the days               
       when the lake actually held water. They like to eat                
       seafood, but only if they're not on a first name                   
       basis with that particular species.                                
                                                                          
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       An Imaginary Interview With Richard Platel:                        
                                
                                                                          
       ROTFL: How does it feel to be the moderator of the                 
       City2City Top Ten conference?                                      
                                                                          
       RICH: Slightly better than having my eyes poked out                
       with hot needles, but not quite as refreshing as a                 
       tall glass of Coke on a hot day.                                   
                                                                          
       ROTFL: Are the rumours of your insanity greatly                    
       exaggerated?                                                       
                                                                          
       RICH: Who said that? It was Napoleon Bonaparte,                    
       wasn't it? Why, that little twerp!                                 
                                                                          
       ROTFL: Ummmmm... no.                                               
                                                                          
       RICH: Then it was Alexander the Great! Just wait                   
       until I see him in my next hallucination! Hmph!                    
                                                                          
       ROTFL: Is there anything in particular you'd like to               
       talk about?                                                        
                                                                          
       RICH: Talk? Is that what I'm doing? I thought I was                
       thinking out loud. Yes, I'd like to talk about the                 
       plot by Spam to take over the world. Spam is a                     
       synthetic meat-byproduct substitute that comes from                
       another planet. How do I know this? Simple! I've                   
       been there!                                                        
                                                                          
       ROTFL: Excuse me. You say you've been to another                   
       planet?                                                            
                                                                          
       RICH: Sure. Hasn't everyone?                                       
                                                                          
       ROTFL: How did you get there?                                      
                                                                          
       RICH: I booked the vacation with SunTours, but I                   
       guess any decent travel agent could get you a deal                 
       on a trip to Sirius.                                               
                                                                          
       ROTFL: Isn't that the dogstar?                                     
                                                                          
       RICH: Shhhhh! Don't want to let people know what                   
       Spam is REALLY made of!                                            
                                                                          
       ROTFL: Urk! And I think that concludes this                        
       interview. Let me know when they're going to remove                
       the straitjacket - I'll come back and see you then.                
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
                                                                          
       Dear Blabby,                                                       
                                                                          
       No one likes me. What should I do?                                 
                                                                          
                               Unliked                                    
                                                                          
       Why should I care?                                                 
                                                                          
       Dear Blabby,                                                       
                                                                          
       Your advice stinks!                                                
                                                                          
                               Annoyed                                    
                                                                          
       Much like your feet, I'd imagine.                                  
                                                                          
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
       The ROTFL Dictionary:                                              
                                                                          
       ACTIONS: Speak louder than words but less often.                   
                                                                          
       ADULT: Someone old enough to know better.                          
                                                                          
       ADULTERER: Person whose life insurance will reward the one         
                  most likely to kill him/her.                            
                                                                          
       ARMY FOOD: The spoils of war.                                      
                                                                          
       ASSASSINATION: Extreme form of censorship.                         
                                                                          
       ATHIEST: Someone with no invisible means of support.               
                                                                          
       BABYSITTER: A girl you hire to watch your TV.                      
                                                                          
       BAD OFFICIALS: Elected by good citizens who forgot to vote.        
                                                                          
       BIGAMIST: Someone who makes the same mistake twice.                
                                                                          
       CATS: Living proof that a life of eating and sleeping can't        
             be all bad.                                                  
                                                                          
       COMMITTEE: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.            
                                                                          
       CONTRACEPTIVES: Items to use on every conceivable occasion.        
                                                                          
       DACHSHUND: Half a dog high by a dog and a half long.               
                                                                          
       DELUSION: Any certainty.                                           
                                                                          
       DETOUR: The roughest distance between two points.                  
                                                                          
       DIPLOMACY: Saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a stick.        
                                                                          
       EARTH: Like a tiny grain of sand, but much, much heavier;          
              A solid substance much desired by the seasick.              
                                                                          
       ELEPHANT: A mouse built to government specifications.              
                                                                          
       FICTION: Writing that can't hold a scandal to biography.           
                                                                          
       FIDDLE: The friction of a horse's tail on a cats' entrails.        
                                                                          
       FISHING ROD: Has a hook at one end and a fool at the other.        
                                                                          
       FLASHLIGHT: Device used for storing dead batteries.                
                                                                          
       FRIEND: Someone with the same enemies as you.                      
                                                                          
       GENIUS: Someone who can do anything except earn a living.          
                                                                          
       HEN: An egg's way of making another egg.                           
                                                                          
       HOLE: Nothing. But you can break your neck in one.                 
                                                                          
       HONEST POLITICIAN: One who STAYS bought.                           
                                                                          
       HONESTY: Fear of being caught.                                     
                                                                          
       IRONY: Giving your father a wallet for Christmas.                  
                                                                          
       JURY: A group chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.            
                                                                          
       LAWYER: Someone whose opinion is worthless unless paid for.        
                                                                          
       LIFE: Something you do until you die.                              
                                                                          
       LUXURY: An item that costs 50 cents to make and 50 dollars         
               to market.                                                 
                                                                          
       MONEY: It can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of              
              misery.                                                     
                                                                          
       MOSQUITO: Mother Nature's way of making us appreciate              
                 spiders.                                                 
                                                                          
       OBESITY: A surplus gone to waist.                                  
                                                                          
       OLD AGE: Better than the alternative.                              
                                                                          
       OPTIMIST: A guy without much experience.                           
                                                                          
       ORIGINALITY: Undetected plagiarism.                                
                                                                          
       OVERESTIMATION: Believing your geese are swans.                    
                                                                          
       PARENTS: A teenager's burden in life.                              
                                                                          
       PEST: A friend in need.                                            
                                                                          
       PHILOSOPHIC ENJOYMENT: Mutual misunderstanding.                    
                                                                          
       PHILOSOPHY: A path from nowhere to nothing.                        
                                                                          
       POKER FACE: A face that's launched a thousand chips.               
                                                                          
       PRAISE: What people give you when you're dead.                     
                                                                          
       PSYCHIATRIST: A blind man in a dark basement looking for           
                     a black cat - that isn't there.                      
                                                                          
       PSYCHOCERAMICS: The study of crackpots.                            
                                                                          
       PSYCHOLOGIST: A blind man in a dark basement looking for a         
                     black cat.                                           
                                                                          
       SANDWICH: A faulty attempt to make two ends meat.                  
                                                                          
       SANTA'S ELVES: Bunch of subordinate Clauses.                       
                                                                          
       SHIN: A device for finding furniture in the dark.                  
                                                                          
       SWELLED HEAD: Nature's frantic effort to fill a vacuum.            
                                                                          
       SUBWAY: A place so crowded that even men can't all                 
               get seats.                                                 
                                                                          
       SYNONYM: A word you use when you can't spell the other one.        
                                                                          
       TAXES: The thing most often raised on land.                        
                                                                          
       TEAMWORK: Having someone else to blame.                            
                                                                          
       TIPS: Wages we pay to someone else's hired help.                   
                                                                          
       WEDDING: A funeral where you smell your own flowers.               
                                                                          
       YAWN: A silent shout.                                              
                                                                          
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       Insults For All Occasions:                                         
                                                 
                                                                          
       Want to improve your looks? Walk backwards!                        
                                                                          
       There is a cure for your lack of brains - it's                     
       called "silence."                                                  
                                                                          
       Maybe you'd be okay once I got to know you, but I                  
       don't want to take that chance.                                    
                                                                          
       If he ate his words, he'd have to get his stomach                  
       pumped.                                                            
                                                                          
       In his case, brain surgery would be a minor                        
       operation.                                                         
                                                                          
       His parents almost lost him as a child.                            
       Unfortunately, they didn't take him far enough                     
       into the woods.                                                    
                                                                          
       He was such an ugly baby, his parents didn't know                  
       which end to diaper.                                               
                                                                          
       Don't worry about losing your mind - you weren't                   
       using it anyway.                                                   
                                                                          
       Why don't you go somewhere and play with your mental               
       blocks?                                                            
                                                                          
       He's so stupid, his teacher asked his parents to                   
       send a note in explaining his presence.                            
                                                                          
       He never opens his mouth without subtracting from                  
       the sum of human knowledge.                                        
                                                                          
       He's so cheap, he won't even give anyone a cold.                   
                                                                          
       His parents couldn't afford a dog, so they got him                 
       instead.                                                           
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
       Flame Of The Month:                                                
                                                        
                                                                          
       Hello there, tall, dark and obnoxious.                             
                                                                          
       It's possible that you may be a beautiful person on                
       the inside. Unfortunately, it's the outside that                   
       shows.                                                             
                                                                          
       It's obvious that you have a lot on your mind - too                
       bad there wasn't any room left for brains. Arguing                 
       with you is like trying to blow out a light bulb.                  
                                                                          
       If I ever said anything nice about you, please                     
       cancel it. Oh, and tell your mother to spit in your                
       face for me.                                                       
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
   More Great Top Ten Lists Collected In The City2City Top                
   Ten Conference (reposted with permission):                             
                                                                          
 From: SANDY ILLES                                                        
                                                                          
 Top Ten Ways To Recognize A Geek:                                        
                                                                          
 10. Bandaid artistically holds eyeglasses together.                      
 9.  Always carries a spare pocket protector.                             
 8.  Bad breath that could knock out a rhino at twenty paces.             
 7.  Mismatched socks ("I have another pair at home just like these!").   
 6.  Pants are at least four inches above the ankles.                     
 5.  Very clean white running shoes with velcro instead of laces.         
 4.  Speaks very loudly because they think people understand them         
     better at higher decibel levels.                                     
 3.  Thinks the Beatles would have been more successful if they'd been    
     rappers.                                                             
 2.  Likes to spend an evening at home memorizing a dictionary.           
 1.  Has a huge collection of x-rated GIF's.                              
                                                                          
 From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                                     
                                                                          
       TOP TEN REASONS WHY SOME PEOPLE WANT TO BE/ARE MODERATORS          
         WHEN THEY SEEM TO HURT RATHER THAN HELP A CONFERENCE             
                                                                          
       10. They have no sense of humour and think they might              
       have an off chance of getting one if they moderate a               
       humour conference.                                                 
       9. They have no one else to talk to.                               
       8. They think that when they try to cram their bizarre             
       political philosophies down people's throats it will have          
       more weight from a moderator than a message from a plain           
       old user.                                                          
       7. Less chance of getting kicked off the conference,               
       though more chance of getting kicked off the net.                  
       6. They love being able to read other people's private             
       mail.                                                              
       5. Someone told them moderators get more babes and they            
       fell for it.                                                       
       4. Easier access for embezzling valuable prizes.                   
       3. It gives them something to write after their name as            
       in D.D.S., PhD, M.D., Moderator LuserNet Booger Jokes              
       Conf., etc.                                                        
       2. When the conference gets famous TIME magazine will              
       interview them first.                                              
       1. They don't actually have anything to say about the              
       subject of the conference but want to feel that they are           
       participating, anyway.                                             
                                                                          
 From: SANDY ILLES                                                        
                                                                          
 Top Ten Excuses For Not Doing Homework:                                  
                                                                          
 10. I washed my hair and got tangled in the clothesline while drying it. 
 9.  The dog ate my homework.                                             
 8.  The dog licked my homework (Ewww! Dog germs! <g>).                   
 7.  The dog urinated on my homework.                                     
 6.  I had amnesia.                                                       
 5.  I hurt my brain trying to get amnesia.                               
 4.  Aliens abducted me and took my homework back to thier planet,        
     mistakenly believing that it was something of important              
     sociological significance.                                           
 3.  I accidentally ate my own homework.                                  
 2.  We don't need no steenking homework!                                 
 1.  My car broke down... friends came in from out of town... the cheque  
     is in the mail... Oops! Wrong excuses!                               
                                                                          
 From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                                     
                                                                          
          TOP TEN PERSONALITY CHANGES WROUGHT BY DIETS                    
                                                                          
       10. When people cheerfully say "Good morning!" you bite            
       their noses.                                                       
       9. You go to the video store and rent everything with              
       John Goodman, Dom Deluise or Roseann Barr.                         
       8. You alternate between thinking you look pretty good             
       now, eh? and thinking you are the most disgusting                  
       creature that ever crawled when in fact no one actually            
       is paying any attention to what you look like either way.          
       7. You fantasize about radishes smeared with butter,               
       celery smeared with cream cheese and Nutrasweet (TM)               
       jello (TM) smeared with Cybil Shepherd (pat pend).                 
       6. For some reason you develop a self-rightous image of            
       yourself as being somehow virtuous in a way that                   
       religious martyrdom couldn't even come close to                    
       imitating. I mean, St Sebastian was tormented with                 
       arrows. So what? You were tormented by ring-dings, devil           
       dogs, scooter pies (Elvis's fave, I hear), ring-lo's,              
       twinkies and brewskies.                                            
       5. Three days after the start of your diet you go around           
       picking up applications for marathons. Your insurance              
       agent takes up smoking from the stress.                            
       4. Your spouse longs whistfully for that cheerful,                 
       complacent, pliable, slightly chubby person they used to           
       be married to and wears a bandaid on their nose all the            
       time to cover up the teeth marks.                                  
       3. You scour pictures of waif-like, pre-Raphaelite                 
       skeletons in the fashion magazines hoping to find traces           
       of cellulite on the backs of their thighs.                         
       2. You make a list of all the foods you are allowed                
       unlimited quantities of (radishes, celery, raw carrots,            
       ice water, etc.) and discover that even though all your            
       life you have enjoyed them you now despise them with a             
       passion normally reserved for Rush Limbaugh and poodles.           
       1. You can no longer write top ten lists as your sense of          
       humour and sense of reality are the first things you lose          
       on your diet.                                                      
                                                                          
 From: SANDY ILLES                                                        
                                                                          
 Top Ten Random Thoughts I Just Had While Trying To Think Of A Top Ten    
 List:                                                                    
                                                                          
 10. What if Jimmy Hoffa is hidden in the trunk of my car?                
 9.  What if I was kidnapped by Ronald McDonald and forced to eat a       
     million of those hamburger facsimiles?                               
 8.  Why do clowns have red hair? How do we know it's not the unwashed    
     blood of children at the circus who became too annoying?             
 7.  What if our feet could fit into our ears?                            
 6.  Who would untie me if I got stuck in the Lotus position while doing  
     yoga at 3:00 a.m.?                                                   
 5.  Exactly how many pencils can fit up a 5-year old's nose?             
 4.  When I die, I want to be cremated, then have my husband go to the    
     nearest "No littering" sign and litter me. (Why do they call it      
     "scattering" when it's really littering?)                            
 3.  What if my coffee cup is the Holy Grail?                             
 2.  Why doesn't Ford make a car called the Canta? It would be a          
     Cantaford.                                                           
 1.  Why doesn't David Letterman hire the Top Ten conference members?     
                                                                          
 From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                                     
                                                                          
       TOP TEN PICKUP LINES THAT NEVER WORKED FOR ME                      
                                                                          
       10. Wait right here, I'll bring the etchings down.                 
       9. Wanna come over and see my XT?                                  
       8. I have a tatoo of Rush Limbaugh on my butt. Wanna see           
       it?                                                                
       7. RU A GURL??!!?? L8ER DUDETTE!!?                                 
       6. Do you like 20th century classical music?                       
       5. You'll just have to learn to contain yourself till we           
       get to your place.                                                 
       4. Geez, you smell nice.......considering.                         
       3. Hey, you've got an eyelash caught in your eye. Luckily          
       I happen to have a pair of tweezers. Got a match so I can          
       sterilize them?                                                    
       2. Say, didn't I see you on the new Baywatch?                      
       1. Help! I'm dazzled into blindness by your stunning               
       beauty. Quick, lend me your shirt!                                 
                                                                          
 From: SANDY ILLES                                                        
                                                                          
 Top Ten Pickup Lines That Never Worked On Me:                            
                                                                          
 10. Do you come here often? (Especially ineffective when used in a       
     supermarket)                                                         
 9.  You look very familiar. (To which I reply, "Aha! I see you've met    
     my father.")                                                         
 8.  What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? (Another     
     line rendered useless in a supermarket)                              
 7.  <flicking cigarette lighter> Want a light? (The correct reply is,    
     "Why don't you set my hair on fire instead?")                        
 6.  <stumbling to the table in a drunken stupor> Wanna dance? (To which  
     I say, "Go ahead.")                                                  
 5.  Can I buy you a drink? (To which I answer, "Do you steal the drinks  
     for other girls?")                                                   
 4.  You're cute. (To which I reply, "Too bad you're not.")               
 3.  Want to go get some air? (To which I respond, "There's enough air in 
     here for the 700 other people.")                                     
 2.  What's your phone number? (My answer is normally the local           
     Dial-A-Prayer because he hasn't got a chance in Hell)                
 1.  You have beautiful eyes. (To which I respond, "Too bad I can see you 
     with them.")                                                         
                                                                          
 From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                                     
                                                                          
       TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD ALL DIG DOWN DEEP INTO              
       YOUR POCKETS AND SEND OUR MODERATOR SOME UNMARKED BILLS            
                                                                          
       10. Chickens ain't cheap.                                          
       9. He promised he'd give me 15 percent.                            
       8. It's money we guarantee Revenue Canada will never even          
       hear about, let alone get its mitts on. You can feel good          
       about that.                                                        
       7. No G.S.T.                                                       
       6. Contributions are tax deductible if you're dumb enough          
       to think you can get away with it.                                 
       5. If you don't, the big guy upstairs might call him home          
       4. We promise not to spend any of it on T-Bird and smokes          
       and will only use it to purchase nourishing wholesome              
       meals based on fresh vegetables and whole grains. Really.          
       3. Marked bills could be easily traced.                            
       2. Make a contribution of $25 dollars or more and we'll            
       send you one of Sandy Illes's crusty old coffee mugs and           
       sell your name and address to a mailing list dealer                
       who'll have your maibox flooded with hideous junk mail.            
       Make it for $50 and we'll sell them your home phone                
       number and send you a cassette of Sandy Illes singing              
       highlights from Mozart's The Magic Flute while gargling            
       with tequila.                                                      
     * 1. Richard Simmons Sweating To The Oldies While He Roasts          
       on an Open Spit.                                                   
                                                                          
                               Cheers,                                    
 * Due to an error at the central processing facility node, we            
 temporarily lost one of the items on this list. Unfortunately it         
 was the item that was by far the funniest. It was funny but in a         
 way that gave you a warm, empowering, I-feel-good-about-life kind        
 of tingly sensation on the back of your neck and didn't make fun         
 at anybody else' expense. At the same time, however, it was              
 neither maudlin, hokey, nor cloyingly "cute" the way some                
 "feel-good" humour has a tendency to be. We hope you will accept         
 this replacement item, culled from another list, with our                
 apologies. Later on, we will attempt to restore the lost item            
 but, timing being everything, it will probably no longer be quite        
 so funny.                                                                
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
 An Englishman, an American Indian, a Texan, and a Mexican were in        
 a plane when the engines failed. Unfortunately, there was only           
 one parachute.                                                           
                                                                          
 The British guy, to absolve himself of the decision, jumped with         
 out the chute screaming, "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!"                           
                                                                          
 The native Indian jumped screaming, "GERONIMO!"                          
                                                                          
 The Texan tossed the Mexican out screaming, "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"        
------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
                                                                          
 A woman stockbroker had made millions of dollars for an Arabian oil      
 sheik.  He was so pleased he offered her rubies, gold and a              
 silver-plated Rolls-Royce.                                               
                                                                          
 She declined the gifts, telling him she had merely done                  
 her job, but the sheik insisted.                                         
                                                                          
 "Well," the woman said, "I've recently taken up golf.  A set of golf     
 clubs would be a fine gift."                                             
                                                                          
 A few weeks later the stockbroker received a letter from him. "So        
 far I have bought you three golf clubs," it said, "but I hope you        
 will not be disappointed.  Only two of them have swimming pools."        
------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
                                                                          
 This boy came into the grocery store to buy some Wisk. The grocer        
 reminded him that his mother didn't use Wisk but used Tide. They         
 had an argument over it.                                                 
                                                                          
  Finally, the boy came out with it.  He was getting the Wisk so he       
 could wash his canary.  The grocer warned him the Wisk would kill the    
 canary, but sold it to him anyway.                                       
                                                                          
 A few days later, the boy was back in the store, and the grocer asked    
 him about the canary.                                                    
                                                                          
 "The canary is dead, if you must know."                                  
                                                                          
 The grocer said, "I told you that you'd kill the canary washing it in    
 Wisk."                                                                   
                                                                          
 "It wasn't the Wisk," the boy said.  "It was the wringer."               
------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
                                                                          
 The Missionary arrived in Africa with the sole purpose of                
 teaching English to the natives.  His first task was to train his        
 native helper, so he took him for a walk in the jungle, attempting to    
 teach him the English terms for native birds and animals.                
                                                                          
 He pointed to a bird perched in a tree and said, "Bird."                 
                                                                          
 His native helper replied, "Bird."                                       
                                                                          
 He pointed to apes in a clearing and said, "Apes."                       
                                                                          
 Back came the reply, "Apes, apes."                                       
                                                                          
 When they came upon a male and female native rolling about in the        
 grass he was embarrassed and, not knowing quite what to say, he          
 pointed to the couple and said, "Man riding bicycle."                    
                                                                          
 Suddenly, two darts hissed past his ear and he turned to see his         
 native helper putting away his blow-pipe.                                
                                                                          
 "Why did you do that?!"                                                  
                                                                          
 "That man riding MY bicycle."                                            
------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
                                                                          
 Because of a dense fog, a Mississippi steamboat had to stop at the mouth 
 of the river.  A woman passenger demanded to know the cause of the       
 delay.  "Can't see up the river," the harassed captain replied.  "Fog's  
 too thick."                                                              
                                                                          
 "But I can see the stars overhead," the woman protested.                 
                                                                          
 "Yes," the captain growled, "but unless the boilers explode, we're not   
 going that way."                                                         
                                                                          

