Ŀ
          
            ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 2   September, 1993         
                                                                        
                                                                        
         Published by Access Media Systems                              
         Voice/Fax: (416)847-7362  Data: (416)825-8653                  
                                                                        
       Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes                          
  Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel      ۰
                                                                        
          
                                                                        
                                                                        
       Contents:                                                        
                                                                        
       Editorial                                                        
       True Silly Stories From Around The World                         
       The Figmentary News                                              
       You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When...                      
       SPUDS - The Parody Of Studs                                      
       Glass Eye Story                                                  
       Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                             
       Flame Of The Month                                               
       Great Collection Of Top Ten Lists                                
                                                                        
          
                                                                          
    Editorial                                                             
    ---------                                                             
                                                                          
    Welcome to the second issue of Rolling On The Floor Laughing          
    Digest! Why did we choose the name ROTFL Digest, you ask?             
    Well, TIME and LIFE were already taken.                               
                                                                          
    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          
    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         
    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    
                                                                          

                                                                          
     Ŀ    
      ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it     
      remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may     
      be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (416)825-8653 as an ascii      
      [C]omment to Sysop, or sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314.     
      ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes        
      without the express written consent of the publishers.            
         
                                                                          
Ĵ
       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          
Ĵ
       Bordeaux, France - Jean Leclerc had been jilted by his             
       girlfriend and decided that life wasn't worth living. He           
       turned on the gas in his apartment to end it all, then             
       changed his mind and turned off the gas. Relaxing from his         
       close call, he sat back and lit a cigarette. BOOM! The             
       apartment was destroyed and Leclerc is recovering from             
       severe burns.                                                      
                                                                          
       Paris, France - Rich French women with nothing better to do        
       believe they have come up with a way to keep their youthful        
       complexions: by taking hour-long baths in tubs full of             
       yogurt. We at ROTFL Digest don't know how they look, but           
       we're willing to bet that they don't smell so good.                
                                                                          
       Agnone, Italy - Santino Luzaro's worst nightmare came true         
       when he was struck by lightning while sitting in a dentist's       
       chair. The 23-year old salesman survived the freak lightning       
       strike but was bounced out of the chair and lay unconscious        
       for almost 10 minutes, said Dr. Salvatore Ericato. Perhaps a       
       little Divine intervention to indicate the necessity of            
       scheduling regular dental checkups? Hmmmmm!                        
                                                                          
       Nice, France - 22-year old Jacquelyn LaBow was thrown in jail      
       for six days for riding naked on an elephant beside a busy         
       highway during rush hour.                                          
                                                                          
       Sunderland, England - A 53-year old was rushed to hospital         
       with breathing problems when he mistook a bottle of glue for       
       nasal spray, and sealed his nose shut. Don't they have             
       product labels over there???                                       
                                                                          
       Miserton, England - 37-year old Alison Hewson shot her             
       husband in the head with a pellet gun because he hadn't            
       brought in the wash from the clothesline. He was treated           
       at a hospital and released. Mrs. Hewson received two years         
       probation after admitting to the shooting. We wonder what the      
       penalty is in England for forgetting to make the bed.              
                                                                          
       Livonia, Michigan - Enterprising Dr. M. George found a fast        
       way for flu patients to get their shots. He set up a               
       drive-thru window. Patients pull up, stick their arms out the      
       car windows, get the shots, then pay $20.00. They are asked        
       to hang around for 10 minutes to make sure they don't have a       
       reaction to the vaccine. ROTFL Digest simply can't wait for        
       brain surgeons to take up this practice ("We'll take the           
       double prefrontal lobotomy with a side order of fries...")         
                                                                          
       Idaho Falls, Idaho - 8-year old Richard Knecht set an amazing      
       record by doing 25,222 straight sit-ups in 11 hours, 14            
       minutes. We wonder how much garbage he could take out in that      
       same amount of time.                                               
                                                                          
       Japan - Pampered pets around the world can now have their          
       fortune told by their very own professional psychic. Owners        
       send photos of their pets to the psychic, along with the           
       animal's birth date, blood type, and $43.00 in cash. In            
       return they get a taped message foretelling the pet's future.      
                                                                          
       Lyons, France - Two bungling burglars blasted open a bank's        
       cash dispensing machine with explosives and accidentally           
       burned up all the money they'd intended to steal. An               
       estimated $64,000.00 was reduced to ashes in seconds.              
                                                                          
       Afula, Israel - Yosef Levin was charged with stealing the          
       wallets of at least six guests at his daughter Octavia's           
       wedding. To make matters worse, he was arrested by the father      
       of the groom, police chief Gershom Sliverton.                      
                                                                          
       Morocco - Police commissioner Mohamed Mustapha Tabet               
       was executed by firing squad for forcing women to                  
       take part in orgies. He told the court he'd had sex                
       with 1,600 women in three years. ROTFL Digest wants                
       to know if anyone ever saw him IN his uniform.                     
                                                                          
Ĵ
          50 cents     - The Figmentary News -    September, 1993         
                                                                          
   Published at random intervals vaguely related to the moon's cycles     
Ĵ
Ŀ Ĵ
 WOMAN SWALLOWS CLOCK AND DEVELOPS     DYSLEXIC CHRISTIAN SELLS SOUL    
         A NERVOUS TICK                          TO SANTA               
                                                                        
 Hilda Vlebenstein became alarmed    Bob Fogie decided to cash in on a  
 last Friday evening when she        multitude of earthly rewards by    
 accidentally swallowed a clock      selling his soul to Satan, but Bob 
 and developed a nervous tick.       ended up selling his soul to Santa 
 Doctors were unable to remove the   by mistake. Bob had no comments for
 clock but did manage to disable     reporters but Santa is on record as
 the alarm bell, allowing Mrs.       saying, "If he's a good boy, I'm   
 Vlebenstein's husband to finally    sure he'll get a present at        
 get some sleep. Mrs. Vlebenstein    Christmas. Ho ho ho!"              
 announced that she intends to      Ĵ
 re-make the hit Rolling Stones     Ĵ
 song "Time Is On My Side" as           @            \                  
 "Time Is On My Insides."                \\          \                 
       / \      / \                 
Ŀ     /     \          /              
     EVEREADY BUNNY ARRESTED -         @@@@@@@@@   ( \    /             
     CHARGED WITH BATTERY               @ o o @    \  \  /              
                                        @  w  @   /  \ \/               
 Saturday night the local police         @@@@@   /   /                  
 broke up a fight and were amazed        @@@@@  /   /                   
 to discover that the perpetrator   Ĵ
 is the nationally famous           Santa holds up document proving that 
 Energizer Bunny. "He won't get     he is now the legal owner of Bob     
 any celebrity treatment from       Fogie's soul. Fogie has no comment.  
 us," claimed Sergeant Bullwinkle   Ŀ
 Moose. "He's not going to hop out   WEATHER:                          
 of town on these charges!" The      Today: The sun                    
 defense lawyer, Bugs J. Bunny,      Tonight: The moon                 
 claimed that the charges are        Where will it all end???          
 invalid. "You can't keep a guy     ٳ
 like this locked up in the hole!   Ŀ
 What a buncha maroons!"             Advertisement                     
                                    
Ŀ  McMUNCHIE'S LUNCHEON SPECIALS!    
 DYSLEXIC CHRISTIAN FINDS DOG                                          
                                     Roast Beef   -  $5.25             
 Bob Fogie realized that he          Chicken      -  $4.50             
 shouldn't have tried to sell his    Children     -   Free!            
 soul to Satan and looked to God                                       
 for answers. Too late he realized  ٳ
 that he was reading the name       Ŀ
 backwards.Bob has been worshipping   300,000 KM/SEC: IT'S NOT JUST A  
 a stray poodle for the last six        GOOD IDEA - IT'S THE LAW!      
 weeks. Bob's only comment was:                                        
 "I wondered why He barked orders    Details on page A-7.              
 at me all the time!"               ٳ
                                      
                                                                          
   ͻ          
      You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When...                       
   ͹          
      You wake up and brush your hair and comb your teeth.              
                                                                        
      A cop stops you for speeding and when he asks if you              
      knew how fast you were going, you reply, "I wasn't                
      even using the warp engines!"                                     
                                                                        
      The lunch you buy in the school cafeteria slowly                  
      slithers off the plate.                                           
                                                                        
      You find out that the can of beans you opened for                 
      supper has been recalled because it's contaminated.               
                                                                        
      People accuse you of having PMS - and you're a guy.               
                                                                        
      The only copy of a book you've been working on with               
      your wordprocessor is accidentally erased by your                 
      5-year old while he's trying to load "Revenge Of The              
      Space Mutant Brain-Sucking Android Spuds From Mars."              
                                                                        
      Your boss tells you that there's no need to take off              
      your coat.                                                        
                                                                        
      Your mother schedules you for a guest appearance on               
      Geraldo.                                                          
                                                                        
      A psychic refuses to give you a reading, telling you              
      to leave quickly because she doesn't want to have                 
      your bad karma affect her.                                        
                                                                        
      Your dentist looks into your mouth and exclaims with              
      glee, "I'm finally going to be able to buy that new               
      yacht!"                                                           
                                                                        
      Your contact lens floats so far back under your eyelid            
      it will require major brain surgery to remove it.                 
                                                                        
      Someone suggests that surely there's a ledge you should           
      be throwing yourself off.                                         
                                                                        
   ͼ          
                                                                          
 SPUDS - The Parody Of STUDS   By Sandy Illes                             
                                                                          
 There's a hot new show on FOX these days that brings the dehumanizing    
 glamour of the desperate singles scene into the living room of your      
 own home! Two guys get to go out on blind dates with three girls, then   
 they all appear on the show and make fools of themselves for our         
 viewing pleasure! Even though the guys think they're STUDS, we all       
 know that they're really vegetables, which is why this parody is         
 called SPUDS!                                                            
                                                                          
 Mark De Carlo: Hi, I'm Mark De Carlo and these three hot looking babes   
 have gone out on blind dates with two studs to see if they could find    
 some schmeckin!                                                          
                                                                          
 (He goes and sits down, facing the girls)                                
                                                                          
 (The girls may have been in a makeup factory when it exploded. They're   
 wearing clothes so painfully tight that it's obvious the circulation to  
 their brains has been cut off. Girl #1 is a bleached blonde whose        
 crimped hair stands out at a 45 degree angle from her face. It helps to  
 hide the fact that her teeth stick out at a 45 degree angle to her mouth.
 Girl #2 is a brunette with long, flowing hair. If it wasn't for the      
 mustache, she might not even need to wear a paper bag over her head in   
 public. She is wearing cowboy boots that will have to be surgically      
 removed after the show. Girl #3 is another bleached blonde. She has      
 enormous breasts which threaten to pop out of her dress, which hasn't    
 fit her since she was 12 years old.)                                     
                                                                          
 Mark De Carlo to girl #1: What are you looking for in a guy?             
                                                                          
 Girl #1: I'm looking for a guy who knows what he wants. He must be       
 intelligent, fun, and very romantic.                                     
                                                                          
 Mark De Carlo: That's nice. (To Girl #2) What are you looking for        
 in a guy?                                                                
                                                                          
 Girl #2: He must be intelligent and know what he wants. And he has       
 to have a cute butt. (giggles wildly)                                    
                                                                          
 Mark De Carlo: That's nice. (To Girl #3) What are you looking for        
 in a guy?                                                                
                                                                          
 Girl #3: Someone with a good job and a great butt! (giggles wildly)      
                                                                          
 Mark De Carlo: (to the audience) And here are the two studs who          
 went out on dates with these wild women! Jason is an axe-murderer        
 who likes to dig up coffins, and Oswald is an escaped lunatic who        
 believes he's Napoleon.                                                  
                                                                          
 (Audience claps and cheers)                                              
                                                                          
 Mark De Carlo: (turns to Jason) So how'd you get into axe-murdering?     
                                                                          
 Jason: (shrugs nonchalently) I didn't even know I had a talent for       
 it until my first axe murder. I've been at the top of my profession      
 ever since.                                                              
                                                                          
 Mark De Carlo: And what do you look for in a date?                       
                                                                          
 Jason: She has to have enormous breasts and a willingness to be          
 killed for my pleasure.                                                  
                                                                          
 Mark De Carlo: That's nice. (Turns to Oswald) And what do you look       
 for in a date?                                                           
                                                                          
 Oswald: She must have huge hooters and a willingness to be killed.       
                                                                          
 (Audience cheers)                                                        
                                                                          
 Mark De Carlo: (Turns to Jason) So do you make a good impression on      
 the phone?                                                               
                                                                          
 Jason: Sure! I try to talk about things I know a lot about.              
                                                                          
 Mark De Carlo: Well, we asked the girls what they thought about you      
 after they spoke to you on the phone and this is what they said:         
 Axe a silly question and get a silly answer!                             
 I thought he would be glad to see me, but it was just an axe in          
 his pocket!                                                              
 His dreamy axe sent spasms of pleasure through my body!                  
 (Audience ooooooooooh's excitedly) If you can tell me which girl         
 said what, I'll give you a heart.                                        
                                                                          
 Jason: It doesn't matter. I'll have all their hearts...                  
 and yours too! (Pulls out a huge axe and begins attacking                
 everyone onstage)                                                        
                                                                          
 Mark De Carlo (frantically): That's it for this edition of               
 SPUDS! (whispering loudly) Call 911. Call 911! Helllllp!                 
                                                                          
 Off Camera Voice: Yo! Promotional considerations have been               
 provided by.... ARGGGGGGH!                                               
                                                                          
 (Audience claps wildly since everyone hates the "Yo! Girl.")             
                                                                          
Ĵ
    Ŀ           
      From: RICHARD PLATEL                                              
                                                                        
      I once knew this guy with TWO glass eyes, and he used             
      to go up to people he didn't know so well and pop one             
      out and say, "Hey, look at my glass eye," then fake a             
      sneeze to make the other one fall out then look back              
      and forth between the two and say, "Damn, I took out              
      the wrong one!"                                                   
               
                                                                          
Ĵ
 JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES        
Ĵ
One day on Oprah, the title is "Ghosts."  Oprah turns and asks            
the audience, "Ok, how many of you believe in ghosts?"  More              
than half the audience stands up.  Oprah then says,"Alright,              
stay standing if you have personally seen a ghost."  Only a               
handful remain standing.  Finally, she asks, "Have any of you             
had sex with a ghost?"  This time only one man remains standing.          
Oprah hurriedly runs up to him and ask him where he is from.              
The young man responds, "Ah'm frum Texas." Oprah sickly looks             
at the man and says, "Now sir, you want me to believe that you            
have actually had sex with a ghost?!?" The man looks surprised            
and replies, "Ghosts!?!...I thought you said 'G-O-A-T-S'!"                
------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
                                                                          
What do Billy Graham and The Houston Oilers have in common? They can both 
fill up the Astrodome, and in 15 minutes have the crowd yelling "Jesus    
Christ!"                                                                  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
Two cowboys rode into town and dismounted. One of them walked around      
behind his horse, lifted his tail and kissed it's butt. The other cowboy  
asked, "What did you do that for?"                                        
                                                                          
The first cowboy replied, "I got chapped lips."                           
                                                                          
"Does that help?"                                                         
                                                                          
"No, but it sure keeps me from licking my lips again!"                    
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
Boy: Mommy, Mommy!  I HATE daddy's guts!                                  
Mom: Shut up and keep EATING!                                             
                                                                          
Boy: Mommy, Mommy!  I've got ENOUGH goldfish!                             
Mom: Shut up and open your MOUTH!                                         
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
Q: Whats the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?         
1: A terrorist will release hostages once his needs are met.              
2: You can negotiate with a terrorist.                                    
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
A grasshopper goes into a bar.  As he jumps up on the bartop,             
the bartender remarks, "Hey, we've got a drink here named after           
you!"  The grasshopper, puzzled, replies, "You've got a drink             
here named Dave?"                                                         
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
What do you call a guy in your mail box?                                  
Bill.                                                                     
                                                                          
What do you call a man in a lion's den?                                   
Claude.                                                                   
                                                                          
What do you call someone under your bed?                                  
Dusty.                                                                    
                                                                          
What do you call a female lawyer?                                         
Sue.                                                                      
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
  If Jesus were Polish, what would be his first miracle?                  
  He would make a blind man deaf.                                         
                                                                          
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
Mommy, Mommy!  What's a vampire?                                          
Shut up kid, and drink your soup before it clots.                         
                                                                          
Mommy, Mommy!  What's a werewolf?                                         
Shut up kid, and comb your face.                                          
                                                                          
Mommy, Mommy!  Are you sure this is the way to make pizza?                
Shut up kid, and get back in the oven.                                    
                                                                          
Mommy, Mommy!  I don't want to go to Europe!                              
Shut up kid, and keep rowing.                                             
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                          
 What do a redneck and a tornado have in common????                       
 Given enough time, they will both find a trailer park.                   
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
  Flame Of The Month:                                                     
                                                                          
  You are truly pathetic. Not to be confused with imitation               
  pathetic or facsimile pathetic. Have you not considered                 
  that brain surgery would be a minor operation for you?                  
  Your unimportance is matched only by your insignificance.               
  Since you already have an electric typewriter, I'd like                 
  to suggest that you find a matching chair.                              
Ĵ
   Some Great Top Ten Lists Collected In The City2City Top                
   Ten Conference! (Reposted With Permission) If Your                     
   Favorite BBS Doesn't Carry The C2C Top Ten Conference,                 
   Whine At Your Sysop Until He Gets It For You!                          
                                                                          
       From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                               
                                                                          
       TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL THINGS YOU MUST HAVE WITHOUT          
       FAIL IN ORDER TO TRANSFORM A MERE GATHERING OF ALCOHOLICS          
               INTO SOMETHING RESEMBLING A PARTY                          
                                                                          
       10. Lime jello in prodigious quantities.                           
       9. Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My Life": Enough copies so         
       that everybody gets at least one.                                  
       8. Kenneth Newman and a limitless supply of 21 year old            
       single malt whisky for him.                                        
       7. A Twister game.                                                 
       6. A special Twister game for when Kenneth Newman plays            
       that only has one colour.                                          
       5. A jar of Malaysian Bucktoothed Earwigs. Don't ask.              
       4. A Mister Microphone.                                            
       3. A karaoke machine.                                              
       2. A pump-action 12 gauge shotgun capable of firing at             
       least 8 rounds without reloading for items 9 and 3 above.          
       1. Some bitchin' tunes (make it ska and dancehall and              
       maybe some skate/punk/thrash/death unless you want to              
       have an exciting conversation with #8 and #2 above), some          
       outrageous dudes and babes, clean washrooms, and a person          
       with a pasty white complexion dressed all in black with a          
       nose ring who thinks it's politically irresponsible to be          
       enjoying yourselves so much while there is all this                
       suffering going on in the world so you can have someone            
       to laugh at on those rare occasions when Kenneth Newman            
       manages to talk the lady of his choice into filling the            
       bathtub in one of the clean washrooms with lime jello and          
       playing Twister (should take about 22 1/2 minutes at a             
       rough guess).                                                      
                                                                          
       From: JAMES ASHFORD                                                
                                                                          
       TOP TEN COUNTRY\COWBOY BOOZE TUNES:                                
                                                                          
       10. I love her more than triple mash                               
        9. Our love went flatter than 3 day old beer                      
        8. First she stole my heart, then the keys to my                  
           liquor cabinet                                                 
        7. She don't understand me or my 24 little friends                
        6. Jack Daniels creates the lovin' in our marriage                
        5. She got those purty lips by drinkin' straight from             
           the bottle                                                     
        4. Two steppin' to a moonshine glow                               
        3. Put my shotgun down, I'll stop drinkin' again                  
           tomorrow, darlin'                                              
        2. 80 proof ain't proof enough for a man like me                  
        1. She loves the way my neck goes red from drinkin'               
                                                                          
       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  
                                                                          
       Top Ten More Country Drinkin' Songs:                               
                                                                          
       10. I Drank So Much Whiskey That I Didn't Feel The                 
           Pain When My Dog Bit Me.                                       
       9.  The Lynchin's Over But I've Still Got Rope Burns               
           On My Hands.                                                   
       8.  Put Your Sweet Lips A Little Closer To My Nose.                
       7.  Love Is Like A Chicken Fry.                                    
       6.  All I've Got Is This Pickup, A Bottle Of Whiskey,              
           And The Ten Million Dollars My Daddy Done Left Me.             
       5.  My Achey Breaky Car.                                           
       4.  I'd Start Cryin' Again If I Could Just Stop Now.               
       3.  There's Another Man's Hair In My Razor.                        
       2.  She's A Tramp, But She's Got Too Much Money For Me             
           To Leave Her.                                                  
       1.  I'm P-A-R-O-L-E-D As Of Today.                                 
                                                                          
       From: JAN PERKINS                                                  
                                                                          
                 TOP TEN ANTI-MIME WEAPONS                                
                                                                          
10. A 203 grenade launcher with the special "party pack" of               
    explosives, fleshettes, incendiary, tear gas, and special             
    neutron bomb combo.                                                   
 9. A steam roller.                                                       
 8. Old Arnie the terminator before he learned that knee-capping          
    was better than out and out destruction.                              
 7. Two tons of water dropped from a forest-fire fighting water           
    bomber that has been flying at a high enough altitude to              
    freeze the water solid.                                               
 6. Another mime - fired from a circa 1812 cannon.                        
 5. Guido, the uncle from the good and bad dating list, with a            
    few of his friends in the cement business.                            
 4. Some really good thrash metal and the mosh pit that goes              
    with it.                                                              
 3. A very friendly large dog who just *loves* the taste of               
    whiteface make-up.                                                    
 2. A pit bull with an attitude combined with the "meat dress"            
    of a not too long ago art show.                                       
 1. Anything blunt and heavy.                                             
                                                                          
       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  
                                                                          
       Top Ten Nose Squirtables:                                          
                                                                          
       10. Yogurt - tastes the same coming out as it does going in.       
       9.  Orange juice with lots of seeds in it - "Look at what          
           came out of my nose Ma! Is it part of my brain? Is it?         
           Huh? Is it?"                                                   
       8.  Campbell's Chunky Soup - no explanation required.              
       7.  Boiled cabbage - works great to disgust queasy friends         
           and relatives.                                                 
       6.  Lime Jello - a Kenneth Newman favorite. "Oh look! My           
           bile juices are overflowing!"                                  
       5.  Raspberry Jello - a Jan Perkins favorite. "Hey, I'm            
           bleeding!" (Heh!)                                              
       4.  Coca Cola - "I'm a robot and my hydraulic fluid is             
           leaking out!"                                                  
       3.  7 UP - "Hey look! My nose is raining!"                         
       2.  Potato chips - "The pain, the pain!"                           
       1.  A 16.8 D/S - The only thing we'd all like to have squirt       
           out of our noses.                                              
                                                                          
       From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                               
                                                                          
       TOP TEN BOOK PROPOSALS FROM KENNETH NEWMAN CURRENTLY               
       BEING OR SOON TO BE REJECTED BY MAJOR NEW YORK PUBLISHERS          
       WHO THINK THAT THEY'RE SITTING ON A HOLE IN THE GROUND             
       AND THAT SHINOLA WOULD MAKE A GREAT SANDWICH SPREAD IF IT          
              DIDN'T MAKE YOUR BREATH SMELL SO BAD                        
                                                                          
       10. DOS For Pathetic Morons Who Smell Bad - An OS primer           
       for people who find the DOS For Dummies books too                  
       intimidating and also have some personal problems.                 
       9. Me `n' Cyb: The Early Years - a one-step ahead of the           
       lawyers funfilled romp with Kenneth Newman and Cybil               
       Shepherd from her first beginnings on the jello farms of           
       Brazil to the time he lost her to Peter Bogdonavich in a           
       poker game.                                                        
       8. Fetid Fangs of Fascism - A history of dental hygiene            
       in Germany from 1933 to 1945.                                      
       7. Trains, War Weapons, The Big Band Sound and Marilyn             
       Monroe - A 40 pound book measuring 2'6'' x 3', for middle          
       aged men with lots of money and leisure and very little            
       libido left.                                                       
       6. Job Interview with a Vampire - A novel in which Vlad            
       the Impaler tries to convince the Ontario Human Rights             
       Commission that the uncontrollable desire for fresh                
       virgin's blood *is* a disability.                                  
       5. Stupid Cray Tricks - How to optimise the memory                 
       configuration on your campus's supercomputer so that it            
       can open Windows 3.1 in less that 45 seconds.                      
       4. Men Who Are Swine And the Women Who Are Married to              
       Them or Want to Be And Spend All Their Time Reading Pop            
       Psychology Books About Why Sometimes it Seems Like The             
       Best Thing You Could Do With Men is Take Them Out and              
       Shoot The Whole Lot of Them - by Cybil Newman, PhD.                
       3. Newman's Baedeker '94 - Let's Go Etobicoke!                     
       2. The Kama Suture - Intimate ties that can bind you to            
       the one you love! Lavishly illustrated with gratuitous             
       photos of obvious models in awkward stages of undress              
       revealing improbable tan lines.                                    
       1. David Letterman's Book of Top Ten Lists that David              
       Letterman Never Wrote, David Letterman Never Read and              
       David Letterman Never Had Anything to Do With Other Than           
       Creaming 40% Off The Top of Gross Royalties!!!                     
                                                                          
       Reject All Ten Now and Receive this Special Bonus Book             
       Proposal: The Peckerhead Principle - in which noted                
       business author, seminar giver and all around schmoozer,           
       Kenneth Newman forcefully argues his bold new theory that          
       99% of North America's economic problems stem from the             
       fact that 99% of the people in charge are a bunch of               
       numb-nutz with cottage cheese instead of brains.                   
                                                                          
       Do Nothing! The book proposals will be automatically sent          
       to your home or business for approval. No health                   
       questions will be asked. No salesman will come to your             
       house. Remember, you are under no obligation at all,               
       unless you want Kenneth Newman to starve to death on the           
       street like a rat.                                                 
                                                                          
       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  
                                                                          
       Top Ten More Beers Coming Soon To A Brewery Near You:              
                                                                          
       10. Molson Exlax Beer. Drink it regularly to be regular.           
       9.  Labatt Blue Suede Shoes Beer. Features a picture of Elvis.     
       8.  Labatt So-Dry-You-Have-To-Add-Water. Dehydrated beer.          
       7.  Schlitz-On-A-Stick. No description necessary.                  
       6.  Bud Lite-and-Fluffy. It's moist, it's wet, it's done when      
           you can stick a toothpick in the middle of it.                 
       5.  Molson Canadian Eh? The can talks, but all it says is "Eh?"    
       4.  Labatt Dry Ice Beer. Makes your tongue smoke.                  
       3.  Labatt Genuine Draft Cold-Filtered Almost-Pure-Enough-         
           To-Drink Beer.                                                 
       2.  Carlsberg International Beer. Tastes like it could have        
           come from any country except your own.                         
       1.  Heinie-kin Bud Lite. Yes, it's the Bundy's own beer,           
           freshly brewed by Bud while looking at girl's heinies.         
                                                                          
       From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                               
                                                                          
       TOP TEN THINGS YOU COULD PROBABLY SAY TO THE JUDGE IN              
       COURT TO GET YOU OFF AFTER YOU'VE BEEN ARRESTED STANDING           
       OVER THE FRESH WARM CORPSE OF YOUR HUSBAND WHILE HOLDING A         
       SMOKING GUN IN ONE HAND AND A GLASS OF CHILLED 1971 DOM            
                PERIGNON CHAMPAGNE IN THE OTHER                           
                                                                          
       10. I had PMS.                                                     
       9. In US: He was a communist.                                      
       8. In Ontario: He wasn't a communist.                              
       7. I just didn't feel good and he made a crack about               
          cellulite.                                                      
       6. Ramtha told me to.                                              
       5. He secretly lusts after "Blossom" star Mayam Bialik.            
       4. He denigrated my macrame.                                       
       3. He ate a plate of cabbage rolls, baked beans and                
          pickled eggs washed down with draft beer and I felt my          
          life was in danger.                                             
       2. He had an affair with Barbara McDougal.                         
       1. He smokes cigars.                                               
                                                                          
       From: JAN PERKINS                                                  
                                                                          
      Top Ten Airport Hazards for Innocent Travellers                     
                                                                          
 10. They are always renovating the airport "to serve you                 
     better", but you never seem to hit one that's been done.             
  9. There are no porters and the only available carts are miles          
     from where you need them, plus require some obscure                  
     combination of foreign bills and change to release them.             
  8. Somebody will always hit on you, show you gruesome pictures          
     and ask for donations for the suffering children of country          
     X. When you say you will gladly specify on your next                 
     donation to Red Cross that it go for relief in country X             
     they spit in your eye.                                               
  7. When travelling through a tight security, jittery, prone to          
     thievery airport (say Heathrow during an IRA christmas               
     campaign), your co-traveller promises to stay by the luggage         
     while you make a pit stop. You return to find she has                
     drifted off to look at some enchanting bit of duty free and          
     what little luggage that is left is being sniffed by big             
     dogs accompanied by men in berets.                                   
  6. When you lose your notebook power supply on a trip, the same         
     person runs the battery down to where it won't boot. You are         
     the person carrying the computer through security at another         
     fun airport (say Frankfurt) when you and Hans (who looks and         
     acts like he could have nabbed the lead baddie part in any           
     of the Allied WWII propaganda films) discover this.                  
  5. Airport food.                                                        
  4. Airport food prices.                                                 
  3. A person ahead of you in the security line-up does a great           
     machine gun impersonation. You think it's hysterical until           
     he acts shocked and fingers you as the culprit.                      
  2. The sinking feeling as your baggage vanishes down the                
     conveyor belt for connecting flights just as you hear                
     somebody say that she's lost hers that way the last three            
     times she's travelled.                                               
  1. Canadian customs. No I don't mean quaint folk traditions, or         
     on second thought maybe I do. You know where you are dumped          
     in a huge line in a huge hall of many, many unoccupied               
     places for customs agents and two occupied. And no you don't         
     get the guy with the cute tush who would probably blush when         
     he opens your suitcase, you get the customs agent from hell.         
                                                                          
    "No of course there's no line for streamlining entry of               
    landed immigrants and citizens - whaddya think being a                
    citizen gives you any right to anything? Hah think again -            
    you don't even have a right to a passport, you can't renew            
    yours if you have one, you have to re-apply each time and get         
    some person known for high ethical standards like a lawyer,           
    doctor or chiropractor vouch for you, and if they haven't             
    known you long enough you're outta luck (unless you bribe             
    the lawyer). And then we'll only give you one if we feel              
    like it that day . And now what's this - you have an unused           
    vitamin pill caught up in a used snot rag in your pocket.             
    Well we're getting you on undeclared drugs on this one, and           
    let me tell you we're analysing the stuff on that snot rag            
    and if we find it isn't yours then we get you on the                  
    biological weapon importation. Now you just make yourself             
    comfortable for the three days the analysis will take and no          
    you can't go to the can. And how do I, a wimp of a customs            
    agent with jello where my spine should be and spam for                
    brains know you'll just shut up and take it - hah your                
    passport's proof enough!"                                             
                                                                          
       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  
                                                                          
       Top Ten Conclusions I Reached While Watching Talk Shows:           
                                                                          
       10. Phil graduated with honors from the University Of Ego,         
           having majored in Obnoxiousness.                               
       9.  Oprah likes to see people cry.                                 
       8.  Geraldo will say anything to make people cry.                  
       7.  Phil tries to be politically correct, but is very              
           intolerant of those who disagree with his views.               
       6.  Oprah really needs to get back on that diet.                   
       5.  Geraldo can make a love of chocolate chip cookies into a       
           sensationalistic lustful debasement.                           
       4.  Phil loves to make accusatory comments to his guests           
           and audience.                                                  
       3.  Oprah wishes she was a psychiatrist.                           
       2.  Geraldo leaves no scum unturned in finding guests for          
           his show.                                                      
       1.  These talk shows are a symptom of the pathetic lives           
           of the viewers.                                                
                                                                          
       From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                               
                                                                          
       TOP TEN PHENOMENALLY, UNBELIEVABLY STUPID THINGS YOU CAN           
          FIND IN A TWENTY YEAR OLD ISSUE OF PENTHOUSE                    
                                                                          
       10. Interviews with deranged South American film                   
       directors.                                                         
       9. Fuzzy pictures (gauze? vaseline on the lens? bad light          
       meter?) of women with long straight hair parted in the             
       middle who like to sit around in sheer coloured stockings          
       staring off into space with a dazed look in their eyes as          
       if someone just whacked 'em in the head with a great big           
       two-by-four.                                                       
       8. "Quotations" in the margins next to the pictures,               
       laced with brilliant and sensitive commentary. Sample:             
       "I'm a woman [Yeah, no shoe shine, Sherlock! That much is          
       plain to see.] and I'm a sensual being [Geez, I'm glad             
       she told us, otherwise it looks like she's just                    
       scratching a bad bug bite] and I need activity for my              
       body as well as my mind [...and one from each of the four          
       food groups!]." [To which someone who was paid cash money          
       to comment added] This feminine integrity is Paula's               
       strongest personal quality. [Now available in a special            
       "feminine integrity" spray or convenient roll-on                   
       applicator!]                                                       
       7. Ads for Three Dog Night 8 track tapes.                          
       6. Enema rock climbing. Nah, just kidding, but it did              
       have phony "letters" from amputee fetishists which might           
       count as Arm Fall Off Girl.                                        
       5. Stereo systems as big as a house, including,                    
       ironically enough, an ad for a pair of Bose speakers that          
       I am currently using.                                              
       4. Ads for posters you can order that depict 12 different          
       positions one can try according to the zodiac in special           
       day-glo colours. This was not as bad as the poster of              
       Mark Spitz.                                                        
       3. An ad, with no description of the book's contents               
       whatsoever, for a tome entitled, The Naked Chef.                   
       Obviously this was before the invention of Cuisinarts!             
       2. An ad for a men's cologne that comes in a "masculine            
       shape" bottle. The copy reads: STUDD. A man's sexiest              
       companion. The essence of maleness... [Something every             
       owner of a tomcat probably knows a little too much about]          
       unlike any other aroma. Underscores your pipe tobacco,             
       brings the sophisticated primitiveness [Yes!!!!! That's            
       what it says! "Sophisticated primitiveness"!!!! Even a             
       Newman couldn't make that up! Not even with a jereboam or          
       nebuchadnezzar of cheap champagne down his gullet!] of             
       your woman surging to the fore. [As they say on the golf           
       course, FORE! Maybe that's what they mean by foreplay?]            
       1. An ad for Joe Weider's weight-gaining Crash-Weight              
       Formula #7 for which the 110 lbs "before" picture says,            
       "Tuberculosis, emphysema, chronic bronchial asthma,                
       collapsed lungs, cirrhosis of the liver, narcolepsy,               
       alcoholic, drug addict, a life in and out of hospitals,            
       psychiatric patient, three packs of cigarettes a day, no           
       SEX desire, unloved - only dogs as companions" [This, I            
       take it, is to provoke the intended Penthouse reader,              
       potential client into shouting "Eureka! That's me!"] For           
       the 175 lbs "after" picture, in which an enormous wart in          
       the shape of an overendowed woman has mysteriously grown           
       out of his left arm, the copy reads, "The result today is          
       a muscular man of vitality - athletic, handsome, earning           
       $40,000 a year, cured of the sickness that used to plague          
       him and now - surrounded by beautiful girls!"                      
                                                                          
       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  
                                                                          
       Top Ten Things Discretion Is The Better Part Of:                   
                                                                          
       10. Valor.                                                         
       9.  Mastercard usage.                                              
       8.  Gossip.                                                        
       7.  A husband getting fed by his wife.                             
       6.  Soup stains on your chin.                                      
       5.  Jello in your pants.                                           
       4.  SPAM flavored underwear.                                       
       3.  Playing darts with the visually impaired.                      
       2.  Being used as a restroom by a giant doberman.                  
       1.  Standing on your head and typing backwards on your             
           keyboard using only your tongue while wearing SPAM             
           flavored underwear.                                            
                                                                          
       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  
                                                                          
       Top Ten Things I Want Put On My Gravestone:                        
                                                                          
       10. Keep off the grass.                                            
       9.  Trespassers will be haunted.                                   
       8.  What are you lookin' at?                                       
       7.  What, me dead?                                                 
       6.  Warning: I have all the necessary qualities to be an           
           excellent poltergeist.                                         
       5.  I'm not dead - I'm just sleeping and rotting at the            
           same time.                                                     
       4.  Six feet under and proud of it!                                
       3.  Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?                  
       2.  R.I.P. graphics now available!                                 
       1.  Carrier dropped for the rest of eternity.                      
                                                                          

