
      
             ROTFL Digest!      Volume 1, Issue 1   August, 1993    
                                                                    
                                                                    
          Published by Access Media Systems                         
          Voice/Fax: (416)847-7362  Data: (416)825-8653             
                                                                    
        Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes		     
  Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel      ۰
                                                                        
          
                                                                        
                                                                        
       Contents:                                                        
                                                                        
       Editorial                                                        
       Your Horrifying-Scope For This Month                             
       Mimes - Jan Perkins and Richard Platel                           
       Madonna Jokes                                                    
       Of Mice And Men - Richard Platel                                 
       Insanity Solitaire - Sandy Illes                                 
       Laff-O-Meter - Graham Walker                                     
       Flame Of The Month                                               
       Jokes, Jokes, Jokes...                                           
       50 (?) Ways To Leave Your Lover - Graham Walker/Sandy Illes      
       Great Collection Of Top Ten Lists                                
                                                                        
          
                                                                          
    Editorial                                                             
    ---------                                                             
                                                                          
    Welcome to the first issue of Rolling On The Floor Laughing	   
    Digest! Our goal is to spread cheer, goodwill, and as few cold        
    germs as possible.                                                    
                                                                          
    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          
    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         
    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    
                                                                          

                                                                          
    Your Horrifying-Scope For This Month:                                 
                                                                          
    Aries: You will be sucked into a black hole in space sometime         
    around the 25th so it would be wise to make out a will before         
    then.                                                                 
                                                                          
    Taurus: On the 14th you will swallow a clock and develop a            
    nervous tick.                                                         
                                                                          
    Gemini: A tendency to gossip will make you the target of a            
    vindictive neighbor on the 12th. Wear a bulletproof vest at	   
    all times.                                                            
                                                                          
    Cancer: When you wash your hair on the 23rd, you will have a lot      
    of trouble drying it due to becoming tangled in the clothesline.      
                                                                          
    Leo: Impulsive behavior can lead to a prison term of 7-10 years       
    around the 28th.                                                      
                                                                          
    Virgo: The soup you made on the 21st will be poisonous by the         
    23rd - throw it out!                                                  
                                                                          
    Libra: You seek balance in your life. Try to apply this to your       
    checkbook on the 7th before the bank cancels your credit.             
                                                                          
    Scorpio: A tendency to be overcome by passion around the 11th -       
    13th could lead to charges of date rape.                              
                                                                          
    Sagittarius: Your inclination to always tell the truth will make      
    you the target of a Mafia hitman when a grand jury subpoenas you      
    on the 19th.                                                          
                                                                          
    Capricorn: A long prison term is indicated if you follow through      
    on your inclination to accidentally stab your spouse 15 times on      
    the 25th.                                                             
                                                                          
    Aquarius: That chemistry set you'll buy on the 30th will destroy      
    not only your new toupee, but the entire neighbourhood.               
                                                                          
    Pisces: A cramp while you're swimming on the 11th will lead to a      
    burial at sea.                                                        

                                                                          
    Jan Perkins had this to say about mimes:                              
                                                                          
    Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Let Mimes Live:                        
                                                                          
    10. They inspire us to rise above them.                               
    9.  They work better than tear gas for clearing a streetful of        
        rioters.                                                          
    8.  Their paint must surely contain toxic chemicals that will         
        kill them more spectacularly and painfully.                       
    7.  It's more fun to watch Opus and his olive loaf do the             
        job.                                                              
    6.  They've suffered enough already.                                  
    5.  They may induce passers-by to repent and live a good life         
        thereafter.                                                       
    4.  Think how much worse it would be if they spoke, and spare         
        them in your gratitude that they are silent.                      
    3.  Kids need bad examples as well as good.			   
    2.  Pity them for they have sinned.				   
    1.  There is no reason - nine was stretching it.                      
                                                                          
    To which Richard Platel replied:                                      
                                                                          
      NEWSFLASH!                                                          
                                                                          
      Thousands of mimes stormed capital hill today to protest Jan        
      Perkins' recent top ten list.  A spokesman for the mines union      
      signaled to our reporter that Jan's list made him sad and that      
      he was going in to go climb an imaginary rope now.  Todays protest  
      went unnoticed by our leaders as it was silent and the mines        
      were waving blank placards.  Police armed with olive loaves were    
      called in later that day when the protest became violent and the    
      mimes began assaulting passers-by with imaginary guns. Several      
      of the protestors were removed in invisible boxes.                  
                                                                          

                                                                          
  Madonna Jokes:                                                          
                                                                          
  Q:   What's the first thing Madonna does in the morning?                
  A1:  Introduces herself.                                                
  A2:  Gets in her limo and goes home.                                    
                                                                          
  Q:   How does Madonna like her eggs in the morning?                     
  A:   Unfertilized.                                                      
                                                                          
  Q:   What's the first thing Madonna does after sex?                     
  A:   Opens the car door.                                                
                                                                          
  Q:   How does Madonna turn the light on after sex?                      
  A:   Kick open the car door.                                            
                                                                          
  Q:   What does Madonna say after sex?				   
  A1:  Thanks, guys!                                                      
  A2:  Are you boys all in the same band?                                 
  A3:  Do you guys all play for the Dodgers?                              
                                                                          
  Q:   Why does Madonna have orgasms?                                     
  A:   So she knows when to stop having sex!                              
                                                                          
  Q:   How do you tell when Madonna reaches orgasm?                       
  A1:  She says "Next!"						   
  A2:  The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.             
                                                                          
  Q:   Why does Madonna take the pill?                                    
  A:   So she knows what day of the week it is.			   
                                                                          
  Q:   Why did Madonna stop using the pill?                               
  A:   Because it kept falling out.                                       
                                                                          
  Q:   What's the difference between Madonna and a Porsche?               
  A:   You don't lend the Porsche out to your friends.                    
                                                                          
  Q:   What is the difference between butter and Madonna?                 
  A:   Butter is difficult to spread.                                     
                                                                          
  Q:   What is the difference between Madonna and a bowling ball?         
  A:   You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.                  
                                                                          
  Q:   What is the difference between Madonna and the Titanic?            
  A:   They know how many men went down on the Titanic.		   
                                                                          
  Q:   What's the difference between Madonna and a guy?		   
  A:   Madonna has the higher sperm count.                                
                                                                          
  Q:   What's the difference between Madonna and a limousine?             
  A:   Not everybody has been in a limo.                                  
                                                                          
  Q:   What's the difference between Madonna and a sly pygmy?             
  A:   One's a cunning runt ...					   
                                                                          
  Q:   What do Madonna and black men have in common?                      
  A:   They both have black roots.                                        
                                                                          
  Q:   Why does Madonna have pointy boobs?                                
  A:   Because she needs a good place to hide her vibrator.               
                                                                          
  Q:   How do you tell if Madonna did your landscaping?		   
  A:   The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.		   
                                                                          
  Q:   What did Madonna's dad say to her before her date.                 
  A:   If you're not in bed by 12, come home.                             
                                                                          
  Q:   Why does Madonna put her hair in a ponytail?                       
  A:   To cover up the valve stem.                                        
                                                                          
  Q:   What did Madonna do when she got her period?                       
  A:   Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?             
                                                                          
     Madonna and a friend were discussing their boyfriends:               
     Friend:  Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!                  
     Madonna:  That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.	   
     Friend:  My God! I had no idea he was that good.                     
     Madonna:  ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.             
                                                                          
  Q:  Why was Madonna depressed when she received her driver's license?   
  A:  Because she got an F in sex.                                        
                                                                          
                                                                          
  There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natel    
  checkups. The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the    
  baby conceived?"                                                        
  "He was on top," she replied.					   
  "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.                            
                                                                          
  The second woman was asked the same question.			   
  "I was on top," was the reply.                                          
  "You will have a baby girl," said the doctor.			   
                                                                          
  With this, Madonna burst into tears.                                    
  "What's the matter?" asked the doc.                                     
  "Am I going to have puppies....?"                                       
                                                                          
  Q:   Did you hear about the new Madonna postage stamp?                  
  A1:  You lick the front.                                                
  A2:  It licks itself.						   
                                                                          
  McDonna: Over two billion served.                                       
                                                                          

                                                                          
                                                                          
         Of Mice And Men...     by Richard Platel                         
                                                                          
       Well... I was walking home from school one day, when I see         
       this weird looking white van crawling along, real close to         
       the curb.  At first I think it's that new government task          
       force, you know, checking the quality of the curbs in our          
       various city-suburbs, but then I notice that the van is            
       emitting this strange high-pitched squeeking. Thinking             
       nothing more of it, I keep walking; however, after a while         
       of following this van (it was going my way), it clicks             
       in that this van is trying to imitate mouse calls.                 
       Having taken a night school course in Mouse-ese, I                 
       realize that this is the rodent eqivelant of "yakity               
       yakity yak", played over and over again.  Well, now my             
       curiosity is aroused, and I do a little Toronto Two step	   
       and catch up with the van, then I notice that there's no	   
       one driving this van; there's just this camera hooked up	   
       to a rather strange box with lots of flashing lights which         
       is in turn hooked up to an array of speakers, the source	   
       of mouse chatter.  Well, by this time, I'm really interested.      
       I drop back a little and notice that the van has Diplomatic        
       plates.  In the interest of good international relations,          
       I saunter up to the passanger side window, and in my best          
       mouse-like tones, I say, "Pardon me, do you have any Grey          
       Poupon?". And that's when all, and I mean ALL the lights	   
       on the box light up.  The van stopped dead, and a mechanical       
       whirring drew my attention to the camera lens, regarding me        
       with cat-like curiosity.  I stepped foward, tired of this          
       game.  The van rolls foward just enough to stay with me.	   
       I step backwards; again, the van apes me perfectly.  Now I         
       figure that it's time to leave.  I break into a run, the van       
       matches my speed perfectly, always sticking to the curb.	   
       Through sidestreets, pedestrian walkways, a garage sale,	   
       a couple of lawns and a public park.  My runner's high was         
       making all the colours that much brighter, and all I could         
       think of was how good the shocks on that van must be. Thus         
       distracted, I ran right smack into a lamp post, and the            
       last thing I felt before the tweeting birds of my likely	   
       concussion carried me away was a sharp poke in my leg              
       followed by a liquid hissing sound.                                
                                                                          
       Conciousness began to return to me what I can only assume          
       was a great deal of time later.  I realised that I must            
       be in the strange van. As I swam ever closer to being fully        
       awake, more things became apparant to me: that it was really       
       dark, that we were on the highway (indicated by that lack of       
       stopping and the frequent bump of bridges and potholes),	   
       that I was in a sort of cage, no bigger than thre feet             
       cubed, that there was a great deal of chatter around me.	   
       This chatter, I realised, was Mouse-ese, and furthermore,          
       most of it regarded me. Their concern for my well-being            
       was quite touching. By their accent, I surmised that most          
       of them were Scarborough and North York mice, from roughly         
       the same area I was abducted from.  When I mumblingly asked        
       if anyone knew what was going on, the chatter immediately          
       ceased.  An authoritative voice (authoritative for a squeak        
       that is) explained that as best as they could figure, they         
       had all been abuducted in roughly the same manner as I had         
       been (You'd be suprised how many of them had tried that            
       Grey Poupon gag).  Another voice offered me some cheese,	   
       but the nausea induced by the combined effects of my               
       meeting with the lamp post and the motion of the van               
       forced me to decline.                                              
                                                                          
       The mice and I whiled away the voyage discussing the               
       finer aspects of cheese, burrow constuction methods,               
       twentieth century dialectic materalism and mouse trap              
       evasion.  Most of them were really quite civil and I               
       knew that my night school courses had been well worth              
       the money.                                                         
                                                                          
       Even though I was involved in a heated discussion                  
       regarding the nature of Socrate's implications on cats,            
       we all knew to hush when the van ground to a halt.  At             
       first, the light was blinding, but when my eyes adjusted,          
       I could hardly believe what I saw: hundreds of cats,               
       some wearing glasses, others with lab coats, some even had         
       pocket protectors.  One of the cats began tweaking the             
       contraption that drove the van, while others began                 
       unloading its rodent cargo. Well, at this time, I was              
       still completing my first class in Cat-ese, so I could             
       only catch snatches of feline conversation: "Good haul" and        
       "Check the oscillator" and the like.  All I could manage	   
       to blurt out was "WHY!?"  I'll tell you, after that, you	   
       could hear a pin drop in an anti-gravity field in there.	   
       One of the cats looked to me, and in halting Mouse-ese'            
       said, "I know not, this is the way it has always been."            
                                                                          
       Well, with that kind of setup, how could I fail? I                 
       extricated myself from my cage, and launched into a                
       rousing speech, in both Mouse and Cat. I included                  
       "I have a dream, a dream where cats and mice can walk              
       side by side" and "Four score and fifteen minutes ago"             
       and even "Ich bin ein Limburger".  Well, when I was                
       done, there wasn't a dry eye in the house, a peace                 
       treaty was drawn up and to this day, there has not been            
       one outbreak of hostilities in North York or Scarborough.          
                                                                          

                                                                          
       Insanity Solitaire                By Sandy Illes                   
                                                                          
       Using a standard deck of 52 cards, you must shuffle                
       the deck while standing on your left foot. Deal                    
       yourself seven cards.                                              
                                                                          
       If two of them are not Aces, you must pour sugar on                
       all seven cards and eat them.                                      
                                                                          
       Deal yourself seven more cards plus one extra for                  
       good luck. If it is a Friday and you have blue                     
       eyes, you may lay down the Queen of Diamonds. If		   
       you don't have the Queen of Diamonds, you should		   
       look through the deck until you find it, then                      
       sneak it out onto the table.                                       
                                                                          
       Any Two can be laid on the Queen of Diamonds, but                  
       only if it is immediately followed by a Seven of		   
       Hearts. If you don't have the Seven of Hearts, you                 
       have no choice but to call 1-800-IMA-NERD and                      
       confess that you're trying to play a solitaire card                
       game and cheating.                                                 
                                                                          
       Presuming that you have laid the Queen of Diamonds,                
       any Two, and the Seven of Hearts, your next move is                
       to lay the Ace of Spades. No other Ace will suffice.               
       Cheating in this part of the game is punishable by                 
       death in many third world countries.                               
                                                                          
       Now you must switch to standing on your right foot                 
       and sing the national anthem as you shuffle the                    
       cards again. Randomly choose a card from the deck                  
       and if it is the Four of Clubs, you may repeat                     
       the move - this time in need of the Six of Diamonds.               
       If it is anything but the Four of Clubs, you are now               
       required to write down all the lyrics to "La Bamba."               
       You are not allowed to fake this part.                             
                                                                          
       So you've now laid the Queen of Diamonds, any Two,                 
       the Seven of Hearts, the Ace of Spades, the Four of                
       Clubs, and the Six of Diamonds. The only other card                
       you need is the Eight of Spades. If the next card                  
       you draw is the Eight of Spades, you win a free                    
       all-expenses-paid trip to the bathroom. If the next                
       card you draw is not the Eight of Spades, you must                 
       wear a paper bag over your head emblazoned with the                
       logo "I voted for Clinton."                                        
                                                                          
       The game is over when all of the cards have been		   
       eaten.                                                             
                                                                          

                                                                          
       Laff-O-Meter              Courtesy of Graham Walker                
                                                                          
       Ŀ                                                                
        Too Funny                                                       
       ۴Danger!                                                         
       ۴Stop it!                                                        
       ۴A riot!                                                         
       ۴Ha ha!!                                                         
       ۴Heh Heh                                                         
       ۴Hmmmm                                                           
       ۴Sick                                                            
       ۴Huh?                                                            
                                                                       
                                                                          

                                                                          
       Flame Of The Month:                                                
       -------------------                                                
                                                                          
                                                                          
  You obviously have so much on your mind that there isn't room left      
  for any brains. Some people are "has-beens," you're a "never-was."      
  Whatever is eating you must be suffering horribly. Some day you'll      
  find yourself - and be truly disgusted.                                 
                                                                          
  Your attempts at humor are greeted by tremendous bursts of silence,     
  and if you changed your mind, I wonder where you'd put the diaper.      
  You're proof that lack of brainwave activity is not a sign of death.    
                                                                          

                                                                          
   JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES      
                                                                          
   The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been out riding hard all day when        
   they came into town and spotted the saloon. They went in and	   
   ordered drinks and sat down. About 30 minutes later a cowboy came      
   in and asked everyone, "Whose white horse is that outside?"            
                                                                          
   The Lone Ranger said, "That's my horse. Why?"                          
                                                                          
   The cowboy said, "Well it's all lathered up. Needs coolin' down!"      
                                                                          
   The Lone Ranger looked at Tonto and said, "Go out there and run        
   circles around Silver real fast to cool him off."                      
                                                                          
   Tonto got up and went out to do so.                                    
                                                                          
   The  Lone Ranger's still sitting at the table an hour later, when      
   when another cowboy came in and asked,  "Whose white horse is          
   that outside?"                                                         
                                                                          
   The Lone Ranger said, "That's my horse. Why?"                          
                                                                          
   The  cowboy jerked his thumb toward the door and said, "You left       
   your injun runnin."                                                    
   -----------------------------------------------------------------      
                                                                          
   Pat Murphy worked in a brewery. One day he fell into a vat of          
   beer and drowned.                                                      
                                                                          
   Murphy's widow rushed down to the plant, hysterical. "I hope	   
   he died quickly and his death was painless?" she sobbed to the         
   foreman.                                                               
                                                                          
   "I dunno, ma'am," he replied. "Pat got out to go to the bathroom       
   three times!"                                                          
   -----------------------------------------------------------------      
                                                                          
       The old man came to the gates of heaven and was met by Jesus.      
       "What do you seek here, old man?" asked Jesus.                     
       "I come here to seek my son," answered the old man.                
       "How shall you know your son old man ?" asked Jesus.               
       "Through his experience on Earth he shall have holes through       
       his hands and holes through his feet," replied the old man.        
       Jesus said, "Father! Father!"                                      
       And the old man said, "Pinocchio! Pinocchio!"                      
    ----------------------------------------------------------------      
                                                                          
       Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of             
         the ocean?                                                       
       A: A good start!						   
                                                                          
       Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road          
         and a dead lawyer in the road?                                   
       A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.                     
                                                                          
       Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?                                
       A: Professional courtesy.                                          
                                                                          
       Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck             
         in sand?                                                         
       A: Not enough sand.                                                
                                                                          
       Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?                          
       A: Cut the rope.						   
                                                                          
       Q:  Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?                     
       A1: Take your foot off his head.				   
                                                                          
       Q. Why do many lawyers have broken noses?                          
       A. From chasing parked ambulances.                                 
                                                                          
       Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?	   
       A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.                            
                                                                          
       Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?          
       A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge         
         is to cluck defiance.                                            
    ----------------------------------------------------------------      
                                                                          
       A Newfie buys a 75 piece jigsaw puzzle. After two months,          
       he finally completed it and threw a party to celebrate.            
       At the party he announced that he was going to submit his          
       accomplishment to the Guiness Book of records. A friend            
       asked him why he thought completing a 75 piece puzzle in	   
       two months was such a great feat.                                  
                                                                          
       "Look here," said the Newf, getting out the puzzle box.            
       "See? It says right here, 3-5 years!"                              
    ----------------------------------------------------------------      
                                                                          
       What do you say to a one-legged hitch-hiker?                       
       "Hop in!"                                                          
    ----------------------------------------------------------------      
                                                                          
       An explorer spends a night camping in the jungle, and wakes        
       up in the morning to find himself surrounded by spear-carrying     
       warriors.                                                          
                                                                          
       Uh oh," the guy mutters, "I'm screwed!"                            
                                                                          
       A voice booms down from the Heavens, "No, you're not!"             
                                                                          
       The explorer says, "What?"                                         
                                                                          
       The voice from the clouds says, "Grab the spear from               
       the nearest warrior and kill the chief."			   
                                                                          
       So the guy grabs the spear out of the hands of the nearest         
       warrior, darts forward, and plunges it into the chief's chest.     
                                                                          
       The chief falls to the ground dead.                                
                                                                          
       The explorer then asks the voice, "Now what?"                      
                                                                          
       The voice from the clouds replies, "NOW you're screwed...!"        
                                                                          

                                                                          
        50 (?) WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER   By Graham Walker & Sandy Illes  
                                                                          
       A few years ago Paul Simon wrote a song called "50 Ways To Leave   
       Your Lover," but he only mentioned a few ways to leave your        
       lover. It's taken a long time, but we think we've finally come     
       up with some of the ways to leave your lover that - for whatever   
       reason - got left out of Paul's song.                              
                                                                          
       Slip out the back, Jack... Make a new plan, Stan ...               
       Hop on the bus, Gus...  Drop off the key, Lee...                   
                                                                          
       Shoot her in the head, Ted.                                        
                                                                          
       Push her off the ledge, Reg.                                       
                                                                          
       Tell her you're gay, Ray.                                          
                                                                          
       Hit her with a truck, Buck.                                        
                                                                          
       Run her over with your bike, Mike.                                 
                                                                          
       Punch her in the face, Ace.                                        
                                                                          
       Cover her with dirt, Burt.                                         
                                                                          
       Hit her with an axe, Max.                                          
                                                                          
       Tell her she's fat, Matt.                                          
                                                                          
       Fill her full of lead, Jed.                                        
                                                                          
       Stomp on her toe, Joe.                                             
                                                                          
       Move to another town, without leaving a forwarding address. Leave  
       a short note on the door explaining that although you had some     
       good times, it is now time to move on to other relationships.      
       Wish her luck in her future endeavers and let her know that you're 
       sure that she will one day make another man very happy and things  
       could have been different if she weren't such a bitch, Rich.       
                                                                          
       Hit him with a shoe, Sue.                                          
                                                                          
       Hammer him with a nail, Gail.                                      
                                                                          
       Kick him in the leg, Peg.                                          
                                                                          
       Punch him in the nose, Rose.                                       
                                                                          
       Kick him in the ass, Cass.                                         
                                                                          
       Poke his eyes out with a spoon, June.                              
                                                                          
       Hit him with a bat, Pat.					   
                                                                          
       Stick his head in a pail, Gayle.				   
                                                                          
       Send him down to meet the fish, Trish.                             
                                                                          
       Kick him in the knee, Leigh.                                       
                                                                          
       Bite off his ear, Cher.                                            
                                                                          
       Spit in his eye, Di.                                               
                                                                          
       Treat him mean, Darlene.					   
                                                                          
       Give him a fistful of pain, Jane.                                  
                                                                          
       Break his collarbone, Joan.                                        
                                                                          
       Kick him in the belly, Shelley.                                    
                                                                          
       Don't answer his calls and have your best friend tell him          
       that you don't love him anymore. He'll get the hint that	   
       things could have worked out if only he hadn't been such a         
       rat, Pat.                                                          
                                                                          

                                                                          
  Some Great Top Ten Lists Collected From The City2City Top Ten	   
  Conference. (Free plug: Whine at your Sysop until he agrees to          
  carry the Top Ten conference!)                                          
                                                                                                                     
   From: SANDY ILLES                                                      
                                                                          
   Top Ten Things Some Users Do To Annoy Sysops:                          
                                                                          
   10. Try to access Sysop functions.                                     
   9.  Experiment with the ascii keys trying to find backdoors.	   
   8.  Upload a 5k file so they can download a 500k file.                 
   7.  Attempt to obtain multiple accounts.                               
   6.  Complain that they should be able to download anything             
       they want since they're doing you a favor to even call             
       your board.                                                        
   5.  Hang up inside a door.                                             
   4.  Leave a Comment to Sysop asking for information that's             
       already available in the bulletins.                                
   3.  Say, "I'd send money if you had more nodes." (So you               
       get more nodes and they don't call back for a year,                
       during which their account has expired.)			   
   2.  Request commercial software.                                       
   1.  Distribute viruses and trojans.                                    
                                                                          
   From: SANDY ILLES                                                      
                                                                          
   Top Ten Trademarks Of Professions:                                     
                                                                          
   10. Postman's Hobble, from being bit by vicious dogs on their mail     
       routes.                                                            
   9.  Mulroney Sneer, from being PM of Canada and laughing at the        
       will of the people. (Americans shoot leaders who do this, eh?)     
   8.  Artist's Dizziness, from inhaling the fumes of oil paints.         
   7.  Nurse's Wrist, from a chronic habit of tapping the wristwatch      
       to make sure it's working.                                         
   6.  Quebec Taxi Driver's Foot, in which the foot evolves into a        
       piece of lead most suitably designed for maximum speed.            
   5.  Star Trek Collector's Brain Melt, in which no thought can be       
       unrelated to Star Trek.                                            
   4.  Truck Driver's Insomnia, from driving for days on end to	   
       get someplace where they won't accept delivery without an          
       appointment.                                                       
   3.  Donut Maker's Holiness, in which worship of donut holes            
       becomes an obsession.                                              
   2.  Saleswoman's Snicker, in which the lips become wrinkled            
       from saying "It fits you perfectly" while trying not to laugh.     
   1.  Bus Driver's Impatience, in which you drive the same route         
       each day but become obsessed with driving at it warp speed,        
       regardless of whether or not passengers actually manage to         
       get on the bus.                                                    
                                                                          
       From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                               
                                                                          
       TOP TEN THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH LETTUCE AND JELLO		   
                                                                          
       10. Call it "art" and sell it to the gov't for 1.6 mil             
       9. Make a fascinating brooch to give your mouther-in-law	   
       8. Eat it.                                                         
       7. Give it to school kids for lunch and tell them it's a	   
       salad.                                                             
       6. Serve the leftovers to the kids the next day and tell	   
       'em it's a dessert.                                                
       5. Put it in a blender with some ice and rum and make the          
       world's most disgusting daquiri.				   
       4. Mail it to your MP and by the time Canada Post gets it          
       there it will have mutated into something infintely more	   
       slimy and smelly.                                                  
       3. Put it in your underwear and smilingly tell people you          
       have a special secret that you will never divulge.                 
       2. Put it on people's chairs at formal dinner parties to	   
       make an intersting variation on the traditional whoopie            
       cushion (speaking of which, did you know that Mrs. Ted             
       Danson is the only woman in the history of American law            
       who ever sought a divorce because her husband liked to             
       make whoopi all night long?)                                       
       1. Use it as an indispensable ingredient in colourful,             
       festive Cybil Shepherd displays.				   
                                                                          
       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  
                                                                          
       Top Ten Worthless Messages:                                        
                                                                          
       10. HELLo? HELLo? HELLOOOOOOO?                                     
       9.  How do I get access to the doors?                              
       8.  How do I get more download bytes?                              
       7.  This is a test.                                                
       6.  Will someone upload Street Fighter 2?????                      
       5.  If yu dont anser me I will virii yur computer!!!!!!!	   
       4.  Shareware is lame d00d!!!!!                                    
       3.  WILL SOMEONE PLAESSE RITE BAK TO ME????                        
       2.  <ALL private messages sent to self>                            
       1.  I'm lonely and need a girl!!!                                  
                                                                          
                                                                          
       From: JAN PERKINS                                                  
                                                                          
       Top Ten British Foods That Still Give Me Nightmares                
                                                                          
  10. Mushy Peas. A popular soft day-glo green food of                    
  porridge-like consistency that purports to have some vague              
  genetic link to the vegetable known as peas. Closest North              
  American analogue - the synthetic slime you give kids to play	   
  with on Hallowe'en.                                                     
  9. Vesta boil-in-the-bag curry dinners. I still don't know what         
  they were and don't think I want to.                                    
  8. Cabbage. Take a large, old cabbage. Shred finely. Boil               
  vigorously for one hour. Drain half the water, dump in a                
  serving tray with the rest. Serve tepid. Remember never serve	   
  British food hot (especially not toast) because then people             
  warm their inside and realise how cold their outside is.                
  7. Bacon. Half cooked, 2/3 fat, cold, and with an edge of rind          
  (heck why be coy - with an edge of cooked pig leather) that             
  must be cut off.                                                        
  6. Chip Butties. Sandwiches made from cold, day-old left over	   
  french fries, white wonder bread and butter. Usually lunch              
  food, but often considered by the young to be good breakfast            
  fare - when sweetened with the addition of jam.                         
  5. Dripping sandwiches. Made with white bread smeared with              
  congealed bacon fat. Not to be confused with toast and                  
  drippings in which warm liquid bacon fat is poured on one slice         
  of toasted white bread.                                                 
  4. Salad cream. A white thick bottled chemical concoction that          
  is to mayonnaise what the sweepings from the floor after a run          
  of kraft dinner making is to fine stilton.                              
  3. Scraps. The burnt bits of batter scraped up from the pot in          
  the fish and chip fryer (Okay I loved them, but the idea is             
  gross).                                                                 
  2. Mars bars.							   
  1. Wimpy chain hamburgers.                                              
                                                                          
   From: JAMES ASHFORD                                                    
                                                                          
   10 Things About Those Gilligan's Island Girls                          
                                                                          
 10. Mary ann was actually the pretty one, but Ginger's dad had money, so 
     she got to be the glamour puss                                       
  9. Ginger had great calves; from all that walking around in the sand in 
     3 inch high heels                                                    
  8. Mary Ann secretly had a thing for Gilligan, but she was sure he had  
     a thing for The Skipper                                              
  7. Ginger could have easily built a boat, but nobody asked              
  6. Mary Ann was the first woman ever to wear a pump up bikini top       
     (compliments of The Professor)                                       
  5. The Minnow really went off course because of all the clothes Ginger  
     packed for that 3 hour tour.  Her 12 suitcases broke free from their 
     restraining straps, and sent the boat wildly out of control          
  4. Ginger had a thing for The Skipper, but he already had a 'Little     
     Buddy'                                                               
  3. Mr. Howell was always saying; "Hey girls, how would you like to help 
     me spend some of my money?"                                          
  2. Every full moon, Mary Ann would put on her red pumps, close her      
     eyes, and gently tap her heels together while chanting "there's no   
     place like home, there's no place like home"                         
  1. Ginger took ol' Thursty up on his offer                              
                                                                          
  From: JAMES ASHFORD                                                     
                                                                          
  Top 10 Things I Can't Stand About "Love Connection"                     
                                                                          
 10. Chuck Woollery makes all the women contestants go through his own    
     little pre-screening ritual.                                         
  9. 2 minutes and 2 seconds usually turns into 4 and 4.                  
  8. Next to "Love Connection," "Studs" looks like a class act.	   
  7. Chuck Woollery makes all the men contestants go through his own      
     little pre-screening ritual.                                         
  6. It's really hard to impress someone when the show only gives you 50  
     lousy bucks for the lousy date.                                      
  5. I feel so ashamed to admit it but I hope that nobody makes a love    
     connection.  The rotten dates are always the better stories.         
  4. Chuck's so slimey it looks like he's going to fall off that couch    
     any second.                                                          
  3. Some of those people can't get a date?  Yeah, right.                 
  2. I watch it, I tape it, I'm addicted to it.  There, I said it, and    
     I don't care what anybody thinks.                                    
  1. I absolutely hate that obnoxious chick that comes on at the end of   
     the show and says, "Yo, promotional considerations ...."             
    (I know, she's on "Studs", but she probably dated Chuck, so there's   
    the connection)                                                       
                                                                          
       From: TIM GROULX						   
                                                                          
       TOP TEN THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN READING REAL ESTATE ADS:           
                                                                          
    10."Close  to transportation" really means 150 metres off the end     
    of the Thunder Bay Airport main runway;                               
    9. "Unobstructed view" really means not a d*mn tree in sight;         
    8. "Handyman's special" really means a carpenter's nightmare;         
    7.  "Revenue  potential"  really  means only if its a stop on the     
    underground  railway  for  illegal  immigrants   being   run   by     
    blood-sucking rail barons;                                            
    6.   "Cozy"  really  means  it  is  so  small  that  if its to be     
    occupied by two adults of opposite sexes, you cannot avoid buying     
    another house in about 9 months from the closing of this sale;        
    5. "Commercial Zoning" does NOT mean prostitution is a  permitted     
    use  (no  kidding,  my  Dad sold a house to a Madame early in his     
    career because it was ZONED  right! My poor Dad had no idea  what     
    the h*ll she was talking about!);                                     
    4.  "Executive"  really  means 25 years of back breaking mortgage     
    payments even for Conrad Black;                                       
    3. "Rural" really means inaccessable anytime it rains;                
    2. "Country view" really means you can't  see  ANYTHING  for  the     
    d*mned trees; and                                                     
    1.  "In-law suite" is only ever an in-law suite because no normal     
    human being would allow anyone ( anything) else to live in there!     
                                                                          
    From: TIM GROULX                                                      
                                                                          
           TOP TEN PROOFS THAT MILITARY INTELLIGENCE EXISTS               
                                                                          
    10.  The  Army  tells you to drive with your headlights on in the     
    daytime and to drive with your headlights off at night -  all  in     
    the name of safety;						   
    9.  the  person  with the least amount of personal space, time or     
    privacy in the whole organization is called... a private;             
    8.  the officers that spend the least amount of time in the field     
    such as Majors, Lt. Cols  and  Cols  are  called...  field  grade     
    officers, of course;                                                  
    7.  soldiers are trained to "close with and destroy the enemy, by     
    day or by night, in any weather" and then sent on UN Peacekeeping     
    missions;                                                             
    6.  we  currently  have  approx 80,000 military people in the CF,     
    including about 4 times as many Generals as  there  were  in  the     
    services at the end of WW II, when all the services numbered just     
    under 1 MILLION;                                                      
    5.  a C1 is a rifle, a C2 is an automatic rifle, a C3 is a sniper     
    rifle, C4 is an explosive, and a C5 is a pocket knife;                
    4. Officers are not allowed to drive their own jeep;                  
    2. a dining room is called a `Mess';                                  
    1. after 25 years of faithful service, the Army wants your  watch     
    back!                                                                 
                                                                          
       From: KENNETH NEWMAN                                               
                                                                          
               TOP TEN JEOPARDY-STYLE QUESTIONS                           
                                                                          
       10. Three days in July.                                            
       9. The fat lady is singing.                                        
       8. Plugging a levee on the Mississippi.                            
       7. She's the producer's daughter.                                  
       6. 42 and Cybil Shepherd on a bed of lettuce and jello.            
       5. Muskeg.                                                         
       4. Barbara MacDougal.                                              
       3. John Major.                                                     
       2. Several million dollars and an enormous amount of               
       talent, charisma and good looks.				   
       1. An enormous stock portfolio, millions of adoring women          
       fans, several nifty cars and an impressive array of                
       carpentry skills.                                                  
                                                                          
                TOP TEN JEOPARDY-STYLE ANSWERS                            
                                                                          
       10. What is summer in Thunder Bay?                                 
       9. What are the NDP's chances of getting re-elected?               
       8. What on earth is Delta Burke good for?                          
       7. Why would anyone but a deranged crack-head ever cast            
       Tori Spelling in a dramatic role?                                  
       6. What is the meaning of life and the next best thing?            
       5. What does a female musk ox lay?                                 
       4. Why shouldn't cousins marry?                                    
       3. What other phenomenally dweeby political leader does            
       Bob Rae most resemble?                                             
       2. So what's Harrison Ford got that I ain't got?		   
       1. Well, aside from the bucks, the talent, the high Q              
       rating and the fact that he ain't ugly? Huh? Huh?                  
                                                                          
                                                                          
       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  
                                                                          
       Top Ten Things Used Car Ads Are Really Telling You:                
                                                                          
       10. "Low mileage" - It was almost totalled in a huge crash.        
       9.  "Very low mileage" - It was almost totalled in a huge          
          crash as the owner was driving it off the car lot.              
       8.  "Needs some body work" - The owner has given up on             
          trying to repair the perforation rust because his               
          children keep getting their arms stuck in the holes.            
       7.  "Mechanically sound" - Owner can't identify those              
          funny noises but the car still runs most of the time.           
       6.  "A bargain" - Owner will accept any offer just to get          
          this heap of rusted junk off of his front lawn.                 
       5.  "Needs some work" - A team of mechanics working night          
          and day for six months could possibly get this baby             
          back on the road again.                                         
       4.  "Hardly driven" - The owner was too busy hitting               
          things like parked cars and fire hydrants to do much            
          driving.                                                        
       3.  "Very clean" - Owner emptied the ashtray.                      
       2.  "Private sale" - No dealer was dumb enough to take             
          it as a trade-in.                                               
       1.  "All the extras" - It has air conditioning, power              
          seats, tilt steering and all sorts of goodies... too            
          bad the engine won't start.                                     
                                                                          
       From: JAMES ASHFORD                                                
                                                                          
       Top 10 "You know you're lazy when....."                            
                                                                          
  10. you slowly starve to death because you're too lazy to tell          
      your wife to make you something to eat.                             
   9. you get a government job because you're too lazy for real	   
      work.                                                               
   8. your VCR blinks 12:00 because you're too lazy to set it.            
   7. an absolute gorgeous semi-dressed person walks by, but you won't    
      turn your head to have a look.                                      
   6. you consider fishing to be a strenuous sport.                       
   5. sitting around and watching paint dry is your idea of fun.          
   4. your children give you monogrammed house slippers for Christmas.    
   3. you have a standing order at the department store to ship you a     
      new  e-z-boy chair every year.                                      
   2. you forget when you last wore out a pair of shoes.                  
   1. you watch back-to-back-to-back evangelist shoes on TV because       
      you're too lazy to flick the remote control.                        
                                                                          
       From: SANDY ILLES                                                  
                                                                          
       Top Ten More Ways To Tell If You're Lazy:                          
                                                                          
       10. You don't even know how to turn off your alarm clock.          
       9.  You never get up before the crack of noon.                     
       8.  Your biggest goal is to have Mondays and mornings outlawed.    
       7.  Your cat has to cook all the meals at your house.              
       6.  It's too much trouble to apply for welfare.                    
       5.  All of the light bulbs in your house are burned out, but       
         it's easier to use candles than to change the bulbs.             
       4.  You don't need clothes anymore because you never get dressed.  
       3.  If your computer chair didn't have wheels, you'd never get any 
          exercise.                                                       
       2.  It tires you out to watch The Wide World Of Sports.            
       1.  You have to be fed intravenously because you're too            
          lethargic to lift the fork to your mouth.                       
                                                                          

                                                                          
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