
AWAKENINGS: Fitting Ends
  by Dave Bealer
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  Jeffrey Dahmer is dead, joining his victims (and hopefully most of
the jokes told about his crimes) in oblivion. I've heard people say
that getting his brains bashed in with a broom handle was "too easy a
death" for a monster of Dahmer's caliber. I disagree.
   
  Sure, it would be nice to let families of the victims have a few
hours alone in a room with convicted murderers. In Dahmer's case
they would have had to hire an arena. Sell the spectacle on pay-per- 
view and put the money towards fixing up our broken down justice
system -- that would be entertainment.
   
  When you get right down to it, though, ANY END was a fitting one
for Jeffrey Dahmer. We're simply better off with Dahmer safely six
feet underground where he'll never harm another human being.
   
  The man killed more people for fun than most World War II veterans
killed in four full years of constant fire fights (outside of the
movies, that is). A classic psycho killer, Dahmer will probably be
played by Anthony Perkins in the movie about his life, which is due
out next week.
                           
                           -  -  -  -  -
  
  To lighten the mood a little, I've come up with fitting ends for 
a few celebrities:

     Gary Larson (cartoonist) - Smashed by a cow dropped from 
     a great height by a hideous insect with a two hundred 
     foot wingspan.

     Tom Clancy (novelist) - Kidnapped by terrorists who want 
     him to explain the nuclear weapon construction plans 
     published in THE SUM OF ALL FEARS, he escapes. Unfortunately 
     a fan looking for an autograph accidentally strikes Clancy 
     in the head with a hardcover copy of RED STORM RISING, 
     causing a fatal brain contusion. Clancy explains the 
     contusion process in great detail as he dies.

     Dave Barry (columnist) - Captured and eaten by a band of 
     giant mutant boogers.

     Harry Anderson (actor/magician) - Electrocuted when the 
     original Edison phonograph he was using to play Mel Torme's 
     first record falls into the bathtub. (Yeah, I know original 
     Edison phonographs don't need electricity, but apparently 
     Harry didn't.)

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