


SmartHouse  					(c.1994) by Derek Buchler

As a forword, TCI, the nation's largest cable television Company, is in talks
to launch a unique pilot project in conjunction with Pacific Gas & Electric
Company. Microsoft Corporation is to design a "smart home". The home
automation industry is expected to triple in size, from $1.7 billion this
year to more than $5.1 billion by the year 2000.

November 28, 1995 - Moved in at last.  Finally, --we live in the smartest
house in the neighborhood.  Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected
to our phone, which is connected to my PC, which is connected to the power
lines,  and all the appliances and the security system.  Everything runs off
a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used.
Programming is a snap. I'm, like, totally wired.

November 30 - Hot stuff!  Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, and remotely tweaked
the oven a few degrees for my pizza.  Everything nice and cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should have the universal remote surgically attached.

December 3 - Yesterday, the kitchen crashed. Freak event. As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew.  Immediately, everything else
electrical shut down - lights, microwave, coffee maker - everything!
Carefully, I unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing.  Called the
cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility.
The utility insists the problem was in the software. So the software company
runs some remote tele-diagnostics via my house processor. Their expert system
claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen
back. More phone calls.  More remote diagnostics. Turns out the problem was
"unanticipated failure mode" - the network had never seen a refrigerator bulb
failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout
as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen.  But because sensor memory
confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen's logic
sequence was confused so it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy
swears this was the first time this has ever happened.  Rebooting the
kitchen took over an hour.

December 7 - The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help.
We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above twenty-five decibels,
it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the
window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors
are actuated and the police computer concludes that someone is trying to
break in.  Go figure....

Another glitch: whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the
universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV.  That means I
actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The
software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next
upgrade - SmartHouse v2.1, but it's not ready yet.

December 12 - This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house.  My personal
computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home
and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the
refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement, the
garage door is cycling up and down and the TV is stuck on the Home Shopping
channel.  Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they
explode from the strain.  Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security
sensors detect nothing!  I look at a message slowly throbbing on my PC
screen: "Welcome to HomeWrecker!!! Now the fun begins.... Be it ever so
humble, there's no virus like HomeWrecker.....  I get out of the house.  Fast.

December 18 - They think I've digitally disinfected the house but the place
is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the
part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, The Exorcists, as the
anti-virus SWAT members like to call themselves, are confident the worst is
over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad," one tells me, "but consider yourself lucky
you didn't get Poltergeist. That one is really evil".

December 19 - Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and mud
slides-- yes ," says the claims adjuster, "viruses-- no."  My agreement with
the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are
null and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any way,
shape or form with a non-certified on-line service.  Everybody's very, very
sorry but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that may be
created. We call our lawyer.  He laughs.  He's excited.

December 21 - I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep.  As a special holiday
offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's
new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade.  He says I'll be able to meet the programmers
personally. "Sure, I tell him"...

Editor's Note!  It's called freedom of thought!
When asked for a bio and operating system preference...this was Derek's
response:

"I don't use all of them (operating systems) but I've had exposure to all of
them except for NT. I've played with MACs and decided that I wanted to think
a little more while using a computer !  As for Unix - I was a network
administrator for almost two years at my previous place of employment.
Windows is cute but just not for me. OS/2 is where I really want to be but
I don't have the hardware to support it yet at home.

Did I miss any.  --The door?  lbl

