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HUMOR00J.ZIP).



HUMOR LOG #44
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 20 Nov 1993 00:03:02 -0600
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Lawyers, weird news, hamburgers, etc.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?  No matter what font
you select, everything come out in fine print.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
BTW, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does hamburger have less energy than steak?
Because hamburger is in a ground state.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(From the 10 September edition of the "News of the Weird" column
in the San Jose Mercury News)

When Lebanese police raided a print shop in West Beirut recently, they
found 2,000 copies of an unauthorized Arabic edition of Salman
Rushdie's "The Satanic Verses," banned almost everywhere in the Muslim
world, but which had been ordered for the private libraries of the
Muslim Shiite leadership.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The following joke is being told by the Belgian comedian Urbanus van
Anus:

Yesterday I met a person who said, "Hey, did you know that since your
show started on television, TV sales have doubled?"

I beamed proudly, until he said, "Yes, I sold mine, too."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Read in the "Quoatable Quotes" section of Readers Digest:

        "The best kind of humor is that which makes me
laugh for 5 seconds, and think for 10 minutes."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
My brother and I took a few road trips across the
Missouri-Kansas-Colorado
strip over the years.  Alan really liked to stop at Mcdonalds for
lunch.
He'd get a large Iced-Tea "to go".

About fifty to eighty miles down the road, we'd pull into the next
McDonalds, and go through the drive-thru.  At that time, McDonalds
would give free refills for iced tea.  And that is what my brother
would order!  One time, he got seven (7) refills, starting in Lawrence,
Kansas, and going all the way to Denver, for a drink he bought in
Kansas City!

This was during those HOT summers, and anyone who has driven I-70
across Kansas in August knows exactly what I mean!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 20 Nov 1993 09:28:31 +0000
From:         Tony Fantillo <tfantill@CLN.ETC.BC.CA>
Subject:      12 days of Xmas

December18,1993

Dear John:

What a surprise!  Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger.  You're just impossible but I love it.  Frankly all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love
Agnes
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 20 Nov 1993 09:31:46 +0000
From:         Tony Fantillo <tfantill@CLN.ETC.BC.CA>
Subject:      12 days of Xmas

December 19,1993

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese alaying on my front
steps.  So you're back to the birds again huh?  Those geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them?  The neighbours are complaining and I can't
sleep through the noise.  Please stop!

Cordially,
Agnes
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 21 Nov 1993 11:58:30 SAT
From:         Mazin Dabbagh <STUA472@SAUPM00.BITNET>
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject:      Important Men in a woman's life (R)

  THE 6 MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE:
  THE DOCTOR- BECAUSE HE SAYS, "TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF!"
  THE DENTIST- BECAUSE HE SYAS, "OPEN WIDE!"
  THE MILKMAN- BECAUSE HE SAYS, "DO YOU WANT IT IN THE FRONT OR BACK?"
  THE HAIRDRESSER- BECAUSE HE SAYS, "DO YOU WANT IT TEASED OR BLOWEN!"
  THE INTERIOR DECORATOR- BECAUSE HE SAYS, "ONCE IT'S IN YOU'LL LOVE IT"
  THE BANKER- BECAUSE HE SAYS, "BECAUSE HE SAYS, " IF YOU TAKE IT OUT
                                TOO SOON, YOU'LL LOSE INTEREST!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 21 Nov 1993 17:10:00 +0200
From:         Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Subject:      POEM

        ABORT, RETRY, IGNORE  (Adaptation of "The Raven")

 Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
 System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
 Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
 Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
 Having reached the bottom line,
 I took a floppy from the drawer.
 Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
 But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

 Was this some occult illusion?  Some maniacal intrusion?
 These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
 Carefully, I weighed my options.
 These three seemed to be the top ones.
 Clearly, I must now adopt one -
 Choose : "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

 With my fingers pale and trembling,
 Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
 Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
 Praying for some guarantee
 Finally I pressed a key --
 But on the screen what did I see?
 Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

 I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
 I pressed again, but twice as hard.
 Luck was just not in the cards,
 I saw what I had seen before.
 Now I typed in desperation,
 Trying random combinations.
 Still there came the incantation -
 Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

 There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
 Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
 And then I saw an awful sight,
 A bold and blinding flash of light,
 A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
 The PC screen collapsed and died,
 "Oh no -- my database", I cried.
 I thought I heard a voice reply,
 "You'll see your data-- Nevermore!"

 To this day I do not know
 The place to which our data goes
 Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
 But as for productivity - well,
 I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
 And that's the tale I have to tell -
 Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".


__Bob Werman    rwerman@hujivms.bitnet    rwerman@vms.huji.ac.il
Jerusalem
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 21 Nov 1993 11:54:00 EST
From:         Berton Corson <0005280397@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject:      Thanksgiving Suggestion

Thanksgiving suggestion for 1993 from a turkey's point of view...
   ______________
  |              |          __
  |  Hey,        |       __/@ \         __---__    |^|^>
  |  Next time,  |<<<   /___   \      /         \  |^|^/^/^>
  |  try a Ham!  |      J   \   \   /   __---_    \|  /^/^/^>
  |______________|           \   \/   -'    > `>        / / /^>
                              \               > >     ~ '  '~_>
                               \___   \   __ > >   __   ~ ~___>
                                   \    \_ __>    /  ---_____>
                                     \           /
                                      --\    /--'
                                         \  /
                                        __||_
                                       <__  _>
                                         <_/

=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 21 Nov 1993 20:54:20 -0600
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Faux-gold arches, Age, Dwarves, Lightbulb, Video water,
              Pun or Sward?

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I've got a friend who was tired of always getting his order screwed up
at the golden arches.  One day, he drove up and ordered:

        "1 Big Mac, cold; 1 large fries, spilled all over the bag;
         A strawberry shake so thick you can't suck it through a straw;
        and no napkins!"

        Attendant: "Huh?"
        Friend: "That's what I got last time I came here."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
As *most* women lie about their age, (including me!) I had to
laugh at a dedication by an author into a novel I am reading,
It was from Virginia Henley to her husband:

She wrote: For my husband Arthur,
           When we married thirty-three
           years ago, we were the same age;
           now, however, I'm *much* younger!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The best I've ever heard is where there were 7 stations on a server
named SnowWhite and the stations were named, you guessed it, Dopey,
Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, Happy, and Doc.  Imagine getting mail
from someone@Dopey...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I work as a Student Assistant in the computer center here at
Dartmouth, where about 95% of the students have macs, and the dumbest
question we've ever gotten had to be from a student who walked in one
day with a troubled look on her face. She explained that the little
lightbulb in her mac screen had burnt out, and she wanted to know where
could she get a replacement bulb for it... ;-) ;-) ;-)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
True story from Kentucky:

A friend's car battery needed water.  She phoned the nearest
convenience store and asked, "Do you have distilled water?"

The reply:  "I don't know; we just got in a new bunch of videos and I
haven't checked all the titles."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a king long, long ago... who had a castle built high upon a
rocky bluff.  One day he noticed grass growing in the courtyard, so he
had one of the court's pages go out to cut it with a scythe.  He found,
however, that the scythe was magically turned away.  Next, he assigned
his knights to go out there and hack at it with their weapons--and
again, they were magically turned away.  [Long description of attempts
to cut the growing grass.]

Finally, in desperation, he turned to his court jester, asking if the
jester had any ideas.  The jester thought long and hard, and finally
said, "I've got it!" and went out into the courtyard.  The king hurried
after him, but got there only in time to see all the grass dying off as
the jester muttered something unintelligible.  The king asked "What did
you do?" and the jester replied "Everyone knows the pun is mightier than
the sward."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 21 Nov 1993 20:12:45 -0800
From:         Robert Martin <RMARTIN@CMCVAX.CLAREMONT.EDU>
Subject:      Re: big game (offensive)

   Once upon a time, there was a blue dog who lived up
north and a red dog who lived about 40 minutes south
of the blue dog.  The red dog would constantly bark
insults at the blue dog until finally the blue dog
challenged the red dog to a duel where the blue dog
beat the living shit out of the red dog.

Rob
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 21 Nov 1993 20:17:07 PDT
From:         "Paul R. Hagner" <FACHAGNE@WSUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Offensive to fast food lovers

PICK UP SCENE IN A BAR:
HE: HELLO BEAUTIFUL! HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME GOING OUT TO DINNER?
SHE: EAT SHIT AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!
HE: OK! JACK-IN-THE-BOX IT IS! WHAT TIME???
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 13:53:48 GMT
From:         Ellen Daleng <ed@FELLINI.NOCRC.ABB.NO>
Subject:      More quotes by women!

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar,
no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*...
                -- Queen Victoria

I married below my standards - all women do.
                -- Nancy Astor

You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives,
but you almost never meet a smart woman with a stupid husband.
                -- Erica Jong

The quickest way for a parent to get the children's attention is to sit down
and look like you're comfortable.
                -- Lane Olinghouse

It is not given for anyone to know how long they have left to live,
but I fear to leave this world without one single member of the family
knowing how to replace a roll of toilet paper.
        -- Emma Bombeck

Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your children.
                -- Unknown

My husband and I have devised an excellent system when it comes to housework.
None of us do it.
                -- Dottie Archibald

There are indeed not as many really wealthy men in the world
as there are beautiful women who deserve to have them.
                -  Jane Austen

At school I learned that money isn't everything, and that the most important
thing is to be
nice.  When my mother found out I immediately had to change school.
                -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I would get married again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars and
would sign over
half of it to me before the wedding, and guarantee that he would be dead
within a year.
                -- Bette Davis

A poor person who's unhappy is better off than a rich person who's unhappy.
She thinks money would have helped.
                -- Joan Kerr

Our congressmen are the finest collection of men money can buy.
                -- Mary Amsterdam
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 09:48:48 EST
From:         Fran D'Amico <fmdamico@CBDCOM.APGEA.ARMY.MIL>
Subject:      Sympathy

   Remember...sympathy is found in Webster's between shit and syphilis.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 11:07:35 -0400
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was TKENNETTE@BENTLEY.EDU
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      Actually there are 7 most important men

The 7 Most Important Men in a Woman's Life:

1)  The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2)  The Dentist -  who tells her to "open wide."

3)  The Milkman -  who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4)  The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5)  The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE
    it!"

6)  The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose
    interest!"

7)  The Primal Hunter -  who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
    twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and
    lie still!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 12:19:28 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      No tigers <Mulla Nasrudin>

NO TIGERS

     Nasrudin was throwing handfuls of bread all around his house.
"What are you doing?" someone asked.

     "Keeping the tigers away."

     "But there are not tigers around here."

     "Exactly.  Effective, isn't it?"

Note about Mulla tales: The Mulla Nasrudin is a Sufi character
whose origins predates Islam in his homeland of Persia (modern
Iran). Nasrudin is an eternal sophomore. Mulla is a religious
title which implies the person is a teacher, leader, and even a
magistrate. The anecdotes which I post to HUMOR frequnetly see
the Mulla playing a simpleton, while other times he is the
teacher enduring the ignorant. These teaching-tales are not
jokes, but to those raised in the middle east or with Yiddish
humor there is something delightfully humorous in understanding
the lesson(s) of each anecdote. Mulla Nasrudin tales should be
understood as folklore. Many of the stories are ancient, most
have been modernized although there is the pretense that event
occurred in ancient times, and new Mulla Nasrudin stories are
recent inventions. Idries Shah's books (published by NY's
E.P.Dutton) are my source for most of these tales. I post these
tales in the hope that others may be stimulated to post humor
from other cultures.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 13:06:23 -0500
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Letterman Top Ten List for 11/17/93 (fwd)

---> November 17, 1993 <---

==============================
Top Ten Lorena Bobbitt Excuses
==============================

10. Hoped it would somehow help NAFTA get passed
 9. Too much caffeine
 8. What can I say?  I love a good joke
 7. That's what he gets for hoggin' the remote control
 6. Took Bob Barker's constant "spaying and neutering" reminders to their
    logical conclusion
 5. I was trying to cut the price tag off his new pajamas and he sneezed
 4. Good practice for carving Thanksgiving turkey
 3. Fell asleep whittling in bed
 2. Was tired of playing "got your nose"
 1. Ginsumania!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 12:30:25 EST
From:         Ron Chibnik <chibnik@REACH.COM>
Subject:      Dumb Blonde Jokes (offending to dumb blondes)

     Q:   How do you drown a blond?
    A1:   Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
    A2:   Don't tell her to swallow.
    A3:   Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

        There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde
was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw
another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped
her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that
give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you
what's coming to you!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
        A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state
capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them."
        A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
       The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
      (Flap hand, blowing air into ears)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Another blonde sent a post card home:

     "Having a wonderful time....Where am I?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he
had
        just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish
        his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right
before
        drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks
        it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in
        and says "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 13:33:00 EST

From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Prostitute & Laundry jokes

How is visiting a prostitute like bungee jumping?
They both cost about the same, they both take a few seconds and, in both
cases, if the rubber breaks, you're dead.


Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up woman?

Because a woman who can't afford even a washing machine will never be able to
support you.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 14:27:00 EST
From:         "Musat, Bob" <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Quotes Quotes Quotes...

someone wrote:

>If you don't attend other peoples funerals, none of them will attend yours.

well, it can also be shown that having children is hereditary:  if your
parents didn't have any kids, chances are slim that you can.

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 15:01:55 EST
From:         RiffRaff <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: big game (offensive)

   Once upon a time, there was a blue dog who lived up
north and a red dog who lived about 40 minutes south
of the blue dog.  The red dog would constantly bark
insults at the blue dog until finally the blue dog
challenged the red dog to a duel where the blue dog
beat the living shit out of the red dog.
********************

what?


anyway... maybe some of you have heard those strange moralistic personality
questions... you get them in party games sometimes... things like
"If you and someone you deeply love were put in seperate rooms with a
button, and are told that after 60 minutes you will both die, but if one
of you pushes the button, that person will die and the other one will live,
wha
t would you do?"

A friend of mine got a book of these on his birthday, and we all came up with
some of our own... these may or may not seem funny to you, we have a bizarre
sense of humor...

"How many large gold doubloons does it take to fill a madium-sized walrus?"
"You have recently come into the posession of a large amount of hickory.
what do you do?"
"You and a person you love very much are put in seperate rooms, each with a
button. you are told that after 60 minutes, you will both die, unless one of
you pushes the button, in which case music will play.  what do you do?"
"You are given the opportunity to coil wire at minimum wage for the rest of
your life; you have no choice."
"You are offered fifty million cakes in exchange for exterminating all slugs
in a twenty mile radius.  Do you take the offer? why? hm?
"While walking through a tar pit, you come across a globe.  do you (a) spit?
(b) keep walking (c) throw rocks at it? hm?"


anyone have more examples?
--Riff
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 15:08:26 EST

From:         _Hok_L_Joeng <joeng@GREEN.COOPER.EDU>
Subject:      NyQuil & vivarin

True Story:
        What would happen if you take a NyQuil and a Vivarin one after the
other? You would be going to sleep and dream that you can't go to sleep.
This actually happened to a friend of mine. Don't ask me for his IQ.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 15:56:02 -0500
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      More Top 10s!

---> November 18, 1993 <---

========================
Top Ten NAFTA Provisions
========================

10. Canadians can borrow your car anytime they want
 9. Mexican workers still get $1.25 an hour, but will also get a complimentary
    pair of NAFTA slacks
 8. Like it or not, Bob Dylan has to do at least one Letterman show
 7. Instead of airbag, Mexican-built Chevrolets will have pinata
 6. Al Gore must drink a shot of Cuervo every hour
 5. When visiting Mexico and Canada, Americans free to shoplift as much as
they
    can carry
 4. President Clinton has to split time between McDonald's and Taco Bell
 3. Every talk show gets a "Coffee Mountie"
    (After reading this, a fully uniformed Mountie appears from the side door,
    walks to Dave's desk and fills his mug with coffee.  Dave thanks him and
    the Mountie calls Dave a "bastard.")
 2. Deportation of Lorena Bobbitt to Guadalajara
 1. "Pesos" now "Clintos"

---> November 19, 1993 <---

=====================================
Top Ten Signs Al Gore Is Loosening Up
=====================================

10. Blinks like it's going out of style
 9. Appeared on "Larry King Live" without pants
 8. During NAFTA debate with Perot, kept saying, "Chill out, rich dude"
 7. Shaved head to be back-up singer in Madonna's Girlie Show
 6. Tipper's exhausted (if you know what I mean)
 5. He's been hangin' with Meat Loaf
 4. Instead of commuting by limo, straps on his rollerblades and grabs onto
    buses
 3. Goes on talk shows and says this:
    (Here, they show a brief clip of Al Gore's appearance on the Late Show
    saying "Buttafuoco")
 2. No longer personaly offended by Packwood's passes
 1. Loosens tie during sex
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 19:05:01 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <BJLANNING@DELPHI.COM>
Subject:      Kennedy's Assassination: Where Were You?

Leroy Lamegourd: In 1963 diagnosed a lunatic; now, a very successful tobacco
                 lobbyist and advisor to Republican campaign analyst Ed
                 Rollins

I remember the day Kennedy died like it was yesterday. The psychiatric aids
at the St. Awful Hospital for the Criminally Insane and Anyone Else We Don't
Like had just strapped me into a straightjacket. The state convicted me of
impersonating Queen Victoria and trying to claim the United States as part
of the British Empire. The charges included assault and battery on any
man that refused to curtsy to me.

The charges were totally false, but the jury did not believe my alibi. At
the time I supposedly impersonated Queen Victoria, I had gone outside to
yell at some clouds in the sky whose form I detested. "Shape up!" I yelled
at them. Not even the the gerbils I brought in as character witnesses
helped me.

Suddenly, a nurse came into the ward and told the psychiatric aids that
someone had killed Kennedy. "Ha!" I cried. "The first part of my grand plan
to take over the zipper industry has succeeded. Soon I will enslave the
entire human race." The nurse and the psychiatric aids stepped back from my
bed.

I then told the nurse how, in the next few hours, my secret agents would
kidnap Khrushchev and replace him with a head of cauliflower superglued to
the body of a fashion mannikin. I felt confident the Soviet people would
never notice the difference and the charlatan Khrushchev probably would run
the Soviet Union better than the real Khrushchev. However, I thought the
Politburo might suspect something, especially if they asked the Khrushchev
imposter an important domestic question as "Nikita, can you pass the gravy?"
and get no response. For this reason, I explained that I would order my
secret agents to put a sombrero on the phony Khrushchev's head to allay the
Politburo's suspicion.

While the Politburo becomes jealous of the phony Khrushchev's sombrero, I
will set the real Khrushchev loose on France and let him eat his way through
the restaurants of Paris. When he had his fill of crepes, he would scarf
down the footings of the Eiffel Tower, toppling it. This would bring the
downfall of De Gaulle. But I would rehabilitate De Gaulle's public stature
by putting him in a low cut dress, black stockings, and making him my French
maid.

As I told the nurse about the second phase of my grand plan, which included
buying up the all stairways in the world and charging people a toll to use
them, a patient standing on the other side of the ward holding a begonia
came up to my bed. As he came closer I recognized him. It was my archenemy
Herr Blechface. He had once been the Messiah but gave up the job because he
couldn't get time and a half for overtime. "So," Herr Blechface," I said,
"we meet again."  He raised his begonia in the air and said, "Do you think I
would let you get away with stealing my grand plan to take over the world."

He began beating me mercilessly with his begonia and screaming, "Take that
you copycat swine."  I begged him to stop. Never had I received such a
beating with a begonia, although once a mugger thrashed me so severely with
a petunia he knocked the part in my hair to the sidewalk and a homeless
person quickly picked it up and ran away, screaming, "At last, at last, I
can comb my hair to the side!" Finally, the psychiatric aids grabbed Herr
Blechface off of me and took him away to solitary confinement and revoked
his flower-holding privilege.

Alone in the ward, I then contemplated the third phase of my grand plan.
Soon, I would implement it. It would begin when I gave the order to send a
secret team of disgruntled ex-CIA barbers to Cuba to poison Castro's beard
with weed killer and give his hair an austere flattop haircut that would
prepare his scalp for the construction of a secret international airport
with duty free shopping.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 16:27:30 -0800
From:         Robert Martin <RMARTIN@CMCVAX.CLAREMONT.EDU>
Subject:      Re: big game (offensive)

   Once upon a time, there was a blue dog who lived up
north and a red dog who lived about 40 minutes south
of the blue dog.  The red dog would constantly bark
insults at the blue dog until finally the blue dog
challenged the red dog to a duel where the blue dog
beat the living shit out of the red dog.

For all of you who don't watch college football, it was
a sarcastic comment of the UCLA vs. USC game.
(UCLA=blue, USC=red)

Jeez, nobody has any imagination.

Rob
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 17:11:20 PST
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  3.4      A collection of clean humor gathered on: 2 Jun 88

From Herb Caen's column ...
A single lane bridge in Marin County has a sign which reads:
Unsafe to cross bridge when water covers this sign.

Two bums were seated on a park bench stealing food from the pigeons.
"Say," said one. "If you suddenly found a million bucks would you lend me
 one hundred?"
"That depends," said the second. "What security you got?"

----------------------------------------------------

This is the conversation that will take place many years from now when
the crew of Starship Enterprise returns to earth and discovers your
newly acquired ti computer.

   "Can you operate it, Spock?"
   "Well, Jim, this computer was designed and constructed 300 million
years ago by a totally alien race of methane-breathing, squidlike
beings who built it using technologies unknown to us and used it
for purposes we cannot conceive of and then mysteriously vanished
leaving no shred of documentation as to its operation.  It may
take a few moments."

----------------------------------------------------

For the interested (and the record) these are mainly taken from THE LITTLE
BROWN BOOK OF ANECDOTES, edited by Clifton Fadiman.

        In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees
and discouraged unnecessary litigation.  A man came to him in a passion,
asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor.
Lincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge.
When he say that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for
and got $10 as his legal fee.  He gave half of this to the defendant,
who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50,
thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate plaintiff.

        Shortly after John F. Kennedy blocked the hike in steel prices
in 1961, he was visited by a businessman who expressed wariness about
the national economy.  "Things look great," said JFK.  "Why, if I wasn't
president, I'd be buying stocks myself."
        "If you weren't president," said the businessman, "so would I."

----------------------------------------------------

(from a list in the consultant office on the bboard)

User calls stating that monitor has just gone blank, and is
told by consultant to check behind the machine to make sure the monitor
cable hasn't come loose.  "I can't see anything back there.  We just had
a power failure and it's too dark to see anything in my office."

----------------------------------------------------

A long time ago UNIVAC (now UNISYS) had a mainframe computer called an
1106.  They used rotating drum memory.  For those of you not familiar
with drums, they are massive rotating cylinders.   They also tend to
possess a great deal of rotational inertia.

Anyway, a UNIVAC customer engineer told me that they tried to install
these machines in naval vessels, rotating drum and all.  The story goes
that everything was fine until the ship executed a hard turn to port.
The drum, resisting this course alteration, merrily broke loose
from its mountings and crashed through the side of the ship.  WHOA BOY!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 21:23:25 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      A University of Alabama joke <mocking> & a golf joke

Do you know why Mercedes-Benz is building its new automobile manufacturing
plant so close to the University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa?

Because of the over-abundance of crash test dummies.

---

The day after her husband's death, the widow met with the funeral director.
"What would you like to say in the obiturary?"
"Tollman died," she replied.
"That's much too short. You should have at least five words."
"All right, how about Tollman died. Golf clubs for sale."


An Egyptian professor who was teaching accounting at an American university
was taken for the first time to play golf by a member of the university golf
team. The professor asked, "What do I do?"
"You hit the ball toward the flag on the green."
The professor teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto
the green, where it stopped an inch from the hole. "What now?"
"You're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."
"Oh, great! NOW you tell me!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 20:48:28 +0000
From:         Tony Fantillo <tfantill@CLN.ETC.BC.CA>
Subject:      12 days of Xmas - course language

December20,1993

John:

What's with you with these fucking birds?  Seven swans a-swimming.  What
kind of a God Dam joke is this?  There's bird shit all over the house and
they never stop with the racket.  I can't sleep at night and I'm a nerveous
wreck.  It's not funny so stop with the fucking birds!

Sincerely,
Agnes
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 22 Nov 1993 23:41:21 -0500
From:         PAUL CASTELLI <pcastell@SESCVA.ESC.EDU>
Subject:      Joke offensive to Italians, Jews and Greeks (but funny)

One day a Jew, an Italian and a Greek were all killed in a freak car
accident.  They all go to the Pearly Gates and beg and plead for another
chance.  St. Peter relents and says "OK but only if each one of you can
resist your greatest temptation for the next 24 hours.  If you fail I'm
going to bring you right back!"
    So, down to earth they go.  Sure enough though, the Italian is walking
by a Pizzaria, takes one wiff of the arroma and says "I can't resist, I've
got to have just one slice!".  With that there is a large crack of lightening
and POOF he disapears.
   The Jew and the Greek are shocked.  They are talking about this has they
stroll along when suddenly the Jew spots a penny on the sidewalk and he
bends over to pick it up and "CRACK" the Greek disapears :)

Have fun and bye for now....
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 00:04:57 -0600
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Train

----------------------------------------------------------------------
This story was related to me yesterday at lunch by a fellow manager, who
heard it from his dad (guaranteed true...)  Phenominal testimony that
physics shall not be denied, with some small humor value as well.

This story involves railroad cars, Denver and a fascinating gadget used in
auto wrecking yards called a 'chipper'.  Apparently this device is fed
old auto carcasses, and it in turn produces manageable-sized 'chips' of
metal.

Seems that on this eventful evening, four gondola cars were filled by a
chipper and headed out of Denver around dusk.  Somewhere along the track,
on an uphill grade, something mechanical failed on one of the cars, and
the train pulled to a siding to uncouple it.  The dutiful crew chocked
the wheels with rocks, wood chunks, etc. and then proceeded to unhook the
car.

Seems no one had the slightest idea of the mass being packed in that unit,
as the rocks/wood held it in place for about 6 seconds.  Since the crew
had not yet re-switched the tracks (they thought the rest of the train would
be returning to the main line) the gondola car soon found itself back on the
main trackline, heading back into Denver.

The engineer sprinted to the engine and full-throttled the thing after the
car.  After 15 minutes, he still didn't even have a visual on it, so he
abandoned the engine, flagged down the nearest car, and drove to the
nearest station, from which he radioed the situation that this car was
cranking toward town and no one knew exactly where it was.

The station crews immediately calculated the correct combination of switches
to route this car on the straightest course thru Denver, the rail yard, and
out the other side, then remotely downed every crossing gate they could,
followed by dispatching crews, cops and civil servants to down the rest
of the crossing arms manually and staff the intersections.

Several witnesses testified that the gondola car passed their locations at
between 85 and 90 MPH.

Whilst traversing the rail yard, the car was forced to execute a slight
left-hand curve in the track on its way out of Denver.  The "post mortem"
revealed that the curved section of track was "stretched" and displaced
8 feet to the right by the car.

Immediately upon leaving the yard, two of the fastest engines they had were
dispatched, full-throttle, in hot pursuit of the errant gondola car.
Since dusk had now turned into evening, no one could get a visual on the car,
but it did proceed out of Denver until it hit yet another uphill grade, at
which time the pendulum effect took over...

The drivers of the engines (serially-coupled) suddenly saw a dark blob
approaching them on the track,  They quickly (?) slammed the engines into
reverse, but could see after about a minute that they were not gaining
any ground on this car, so they jumped from the cab.

One of them, looking back at the impact, noted that, although the mass of
the two engines was sufficient to stop the car, the front coupling assembly
of the lead engine was obliterated, and the front engine was "lifted in
place and set back down" by the impact.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 01:18:10 -0400
From:         MUHLHAU_@BENTLEY.BITNET
Subject:      generic; vulgar; damn funny

        3 guys go to a job interview. The man that's giving the job interview
doesn't have any ears. The first guy goes into the office for his interview.
The man says to him, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of
observation. Make one observation about me." So the guy says, "You got no
fuckin' ears!!" "Get out!!" screams the interviewer.
        So, the next guy gets up and goes in for the interview. The
interviewer
says to the guy, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of
observation. Make one observation about me." The guy says, "You got no fuckin'
ears!!" "Get out!!!" screams the interviewer again.
        Then the third guy gets up to go in for his interview. The first two
guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview
doesn't have any ears and he's kind of touchy about it." "Thanks for the tip"
says the third guy.
        So he goes in for the interview and agin the man says, "The job that
you are applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation
about
me." So the guy stares at him for a while and finally he says, "You where
contact lenses."
        The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell
me,
how could you tell?" So the guy says, "Well, you couldn't wear
glasses.........You got not fuckin' ears!!!!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 10:52:57 +0200
From:         "Martin P. Rinne" <MARTIN@MICROLNK.ORG.EE>
Organization: MicroLink Ltd.
Subject:      Women...

A gentleman stated to a lady that no woman can keep any secret. She
answered: "Yes we can. For instance, I have been hiding my real age
since I turned 25!!" He wasn't convinced and told that she will
reveal the secret sooner or later. She answered proudly: "I have kept
this secret for 13 years and I'll keep it forever!!!"


Martini.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 10:40:53 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject:      Computer programming


About 25 years ago I warked with a Russian Minsk 22 computer. When we got
an Algol compiler I started using it - much better than machine code which
had to be used before!
But alas! Soon I realized that something was wrong with the compiler.
I used three very similar statements and one of them did not work OK.
When I inserted a debug print, the error moved to the neighbouring statement.
I used the only debugging tool available - octal dump of the whole program.
During the evaluation of the suspicious statement an subexpression was
stored in a memory address but later on it was restored from the address
plus 2.
I sent a note to the company that delivered the machine together with the
compiler. Nothing happened to occur. A year later I was surprised by
receiving a new version of the compiler (not common in those times!)
I found the program in the "lower geological layers" on my desk and tried
to compile it again. Well, the compiler was not OK yet but some progress
was visible. The stored value was retrieved from the address plus one now!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 06:56:52 EST
From:         "Genie logiciel I/Syst.inf.repartis" <sun156@IFT.ULAVAL.CA>
Subject:      Funniest error message

What's the funniest error message you ever received from a computer?
I just received my funniest this morning: "Panic on CPU, rebooting..."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 13:25:29 +0000
From:         The Man from Uncle <butctp@ESSEX.AC.UK>
Subject:      Hamburgers

What is the differnece between Sputnik and Russian hamburgers?
You can be sure there was a dog in Sputnik.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 09:39:00 EDT
Sender:       UGA Humor List <HUMOR@UGA.BITNET>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              (410) 830-3642" <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Bean Joke

Hi guys. It has been awhile since I've posted. My humor hasn't been too great
since the passing of my father on November 1, but things are getting better.

There was this guy that loved beans, but, they had an adverse affect on him.
They caused large, smelly, gas attacks.

This guy would eat beans day and night and his house always smelled like a pig
farm. Well, one day, as luck would have it, her met the girl of his dreams and
swore off beans to save her from the reaction. They married and his life was
great.

One day, his birthday to be exact, he decided to treat himself to beans again.
It had been many years and he felt he owed it to himself. On the way home from
work, he hit a local restaurant that had a special on pork n' beans and filled
up.

Driving home, the urge hit him. He lifted his leg and let a whopper go. Well,
this happened many times and the car developed an offensive oder. By the time
he got home, he thought the attack was done.

On entering the door, his wife put a blindfold on him and told him that she
had
a surprise for him. She led hiom to the dining room and seated him. She then
told him that she would return in a moment to reveal the surprise and then
departed the room.

While sitting there, the urge struck again. He raised up on his right cheek
and
let a blast go. Please with the relief, he smiled. The urge struck once more.
This time he raised on his left cheek and let go another blast. Pleased again,
he smiled. The urge struck once more and this time, just to be different, he
raised off the chair in a squat and fired off the third toot. This, again, was
pleasing to him.

His wife returned a few moments after the third blast and removed the
blindfold. Around the table were seated all the man's best friends.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 08:46:14 CST
From:         "Kevan L. Moore" <moore@TEKELEC.COM>
Subject:      may be offensive to cannibles

in memory of jeffry dahmer (sp?):

    chef dahmer had soon made his mark
    with his fried-food cafe in the park
    he was fair in the place
    never partial to race
    for he offered both white meat and dark
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 08:13:06 +0000
From:         Tony Fantillo <tfantill@CLN.ETC.BC.CA>
Subject:      12 days of Xmas - course language

December 21,1993

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with eight
maids a-milking?  It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a
milking, but they had to bring those God Dam cows!  There is cow shit All
over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house.  Just lay off me smart
ass!

Agnes
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 16:00:16 GMT
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      1. Joy of sex, 2. acronym  3. philosophical traveller

"There's a new computer-interactive version of the well-known book,
 'The Joy of Sex' just out. Unfortunately, some of the older
  purchasers have been having problems inserting their three and
  a half inch floppy into the slot"

(Clive Anderson on UK's Channel Four).


What does FIAT stand for?

Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights


:-)

A western businessman was conducting his Japanese guest around the busy
city. Because of traffic congestion they used bus and underground railway.
The businessman was proud of his local knowledge of the system, and
by clever use of the map and timetable, he got them to their various
destinations much quicker than the average tourist could have done.
He was particularly proud of one trick: "There, we saved twenty minutes
by changing trains and taking the other line". The Japanese smiled
broadly. When they got to their station, the businessman hustled the other
up the stairs, and out into the fresh air. Nearby was a secluded little
grassy area with some seats. The Japanese sat down, and looked
benevolently on the world passing by. "Hey, what are you doing just sitting
there?" gasped the western businesman. "Oh, I'm just using up the 20 minutes
we saved on the train".
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 10:18:32 CST
From:         Bret Robideaux <robidb@LBM.COM>
Subject:      Re Funniest error message

My favorite was:

    Mailtool is confused.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 10:58:41 MST
Comments:     Resent-From: APUCORLE@IDBSU
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Mink Coat (G)

Q:  What do you call a mink coat that goes from store to store?
A:  A trans-fur.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 13:06:07 -0500
From:         JOHN VOGEL <JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      funny error messages

My all time favorite is from a humble Ibm pc.
A friend had a glued together system -- i.e. put together from several
differentsystems.  It had some trouble booting up.
It always beeped and said, "No Keyboard, Press F1 to continue."
He'd press F1 and go on.
/s
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 11:02:00 MST
From:         Chris Farmer <cfarmer@ERNIE.AA.EDU>
Subject:      Error messages.

The mac-in-boxes at school always tell us
"This job starting job for a while." before they freeze up.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 14:16:36 EDT
From:         "Tanya J. Utt" <TJUTTX@TSRV1.TS.WM.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Funniest error message

Macintosh favorite...
The Printer needs attention.
<My reponse:  "Goooood Printer <pat,pat>" >
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 13:37:07 CST
From:         Lynn <RA00@SIUEMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Error messages

     My favorite error happened at U. of Illinois., way back then!

     I was in a FORTRAN class with assignments that had to come
out with exact output.  Somehow, the professor (but more likely
some of his graduate assistants) wrote a program that would read
our program, analyze it, and test the results.

     Who knows what I did, but I ended up with a dump that said
"You can't possibly get to this part of our program."  It then
went on to come up with some 4 letter words and a few obscene
comments.  It repeated this message, along with a dump.

     Guess I fooled them.  Too bad I wasn't a hacker, so
I could have changed my grade.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 15:15:10 -0500
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      engineers (clean)

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing
about who might've designed the human body.  The first one said, "It
must've been a mechanical engineer.  The human body has all those levers
and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that."
The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer.
The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been
designed by an electrical engineer."  Then the third one said, "No, it
was a civil engineer.  Who else would have run a waste water line
through a recreational area?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 14:16:34 -0600
From:         irma <aleman@TENET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Error messages
My favorite:

"Your DUMP and SCRATCH was unsuccessful - please try again"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 13:02:12 -0800
From:         Robert Martin <RMARTIN@CMCVAX.CLAREMONT.EDU>
Subject:      Funniest error message

The Macintosh Quadra 840AV has speech recognition and
also programmed voices so it can speak back to you.
Anyway, I was using a friends, and when I asked it to
shutdown, it asked "Are you sure you want to shut down?"
 I said no, so it said, "Well, never mind then."
Somebody at Apple most likely couldn't resist.

Rob

PS- That big game post really was a flop, wasn't it...
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 14:50:07 -0400
From:         Dale Schroyer <SCHROYE@HSDWL.UTC.COM>
Subject:      ERROR MESSAGES

MY FAVORTIES ARE SOME VAX VMS ERROR MESSAGES. WHEN INSTALLING NEW SOFTWARE YOU
USE A PROGRAM CALLED VMSINSTAL. WHEN THE PROGRAM GETS TO THE POINT WHERE IT IS
READY TO MOVE THE SOFTWARE FILES TO YOUR HARD DRIVE THE PROGRAM GIVES YOU
THIS:
"VMS-I-COFFEEBREAK GO GET A CUP OF COFFEE, THIS WILL TAKE AWHILE."

I ALSO LIKE THE ALLIN1 MAIL MESSAGE THAT WHEN YOU SEND OUT ELECTRONIC MAIL
ANNOUNCES: "ALLIN1-I-BONVOYAGE ROUTING YOUR MAIL MESSAGES."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 15:40:47 -0500
From:         Denise Moninger <MONINGER@STETSON.BITNET>
Subject:      a silly (G) rated joke

I have never sent this one in because it is really silly, but since the
list seems to be quite slow today I figured I should send something:

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be "bay gulls".
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 17:35:05 EST
From:         Dennis Worrell <dworrell@FREENET.SCRI.FSU.EDU>
Subject:      flatulence (not really offensicve)

Speaking of flatulence....

An elderly lady was having trouble with intestinal gas, so she decided
to see her doctor.

"Doctor", she said "this gas is drivin' me crazy.  It doesn't smell, and it
doesn't make any noise, but it's annoying just the same".

The doctor nods in understanding, then takes out his prescription pad,
writes a prescription and hands it to the lady.

"But doctor" she protests, "aren't you even going to examine me?"

"That won't be necessary" he replies "just take this medication".

So the lady gets the prescription filled, and takes it for a few days, but
notices that the gas attacks are as bad as ever, EXCEPT NOW they really
SMELL BAD!

So she goes back to the doctor and explains the new problem. "Doctor", she
says, "that medicine you gave me didn't help my gas at all.  It's still
so quiet you can't hear it, but it really STINKS now!"

The doctor nods, and reaches for his prescription pad again.  Once again the
lady protests "But doctor, don't you want to examine me?"

Once again, he reassures her that it's not necessary to examine her, and
hands her a new prescription to be filled.

"Okay", she said reluctantly, taking the prescription from the doctor. "By
the way, what are these medicines you're prescribing?"

"Well", he said, "the first one was for your SINUSES, and this one's for
your HEARING!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 19:38:50 CST
From:         Jeff Lucas <JLUCAS1@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      petting zoo ;pg-13

     Little boy and his mother go to a petting zoo one day.  While
there the little boy gets mad and kicks a cow.  This mother says,
"for that you will eat no steak or hamburgers for a month."  Later
the little boy gets mad and kicks a chicken.  "For that you will eat
no chicken or eggs for a month,"  the mother replied.  Apon returning
home the little boy told his dad all of the days events.  Later the
little boy and his father left for town.  As they were leaving the
house the father stumbled over the cat on the front porch.  In a fit
of rage he kicked the cat off the porch, then asked the little boy
are you going to tell your mother or should I.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 21:14:11 EST
Comments:     Resent-From: "RiffRaff" <PCONNER@WVNVM>
Comments:     Originally-From: MGWHS01@WVNVMS.BITNET
From:         RiffRaff <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Organization: West Virginia Network
Subject:      Re: big game (offensive)

While walking through a tar pit, you come upon a
sphere. Do you:
        a:slip in the tounge.
        b:extract acid
        c:pelt it with rocks

You are offered 5,000,000 cakes in return for exterminating all the slugs in a
   twenty mile radius.  Would you accept?  Would you lick them for the 10%
   bonus?

You are offered a job coiling wire continually for the rest of your life.  You
   have no choice, you must take it.

Suddenly Rudjard Kipling appears in your hair, he begins telling stories.  How
   do you get rid of him.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 19:15:06 -0500
From:         "Nigel H. Mendez" <nhmen@MVAX.CC.CONNCOLL.EDU>
Subject:      Deep Thoughts

Hey Everybody, I have the complete list of 'Deep Thoughts' by Jack Handey.
It is way to long  (21 kb) to send to all the list so I'll just give a
sample, If you want a copy of the file I can mail it to you so just
replay to this and I'll send you the rest of the Deep Thoughts.

Hey, Joel- - - -Not to worry their are not any Catholic ones.

enjoy them:

Deep Thoughts:


1) It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

2) If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
    you'll look like a dummmy and people will try to catch you because, h
    hey, free dummy.

3) If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
   "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
   to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

4) To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
   and the dancers hit each other.

5) If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
   We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

6) Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head
   out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

7) To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
   where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
   circus and a clown killed my dad.

8) I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I
   bet you can really see it in those genitals.

9) Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or
   the tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark
   riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everthing they see.

10) As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." Marta
    said is should read "Watch For Pretty Rocks." I told her she should
    write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started
    saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter!
    And I thought I was lazy!

17) In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled unination should
    automatically disqualify you.


Complied by Nigel Mendez E-mail : nhmen@mvax.cc.conncoll.edu
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 23 Nov 1993 22:25:15 EST
From:         "Genie logiciel I/Syst.inf.repartis" <sun156@IFT.ULAVAL.CA>
Subject:      Re: a silly (G) rated joke

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because it would be quite hard to fly under it.  :-)
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 09:51:18 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject:      Funniest error message

My favourite error message was produced by a calculator-type program when
a user could not find the correct form of the statement she wanted to use
and commented it typing "shit".
The response made everybody around to burst into laugh:
"shit does not exist; try another expression"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 12:15:07 GMT
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      English Football (soccer if you insist), and other sad stories

The rumour is that Graham Taylor resigned as manager of the English
team because he wanted to get a job involving football...

Meanwhile, the Chancellor of the Exchequer is trying to decide which of
his own vices not to tax this coming budget: smoking, drinking, or
Hush-Puppy fetishism.

The Confederation of British Industry has welcomed the governments
call to traditional values, and "back to Basics". suggesting it should
abolish trade unions & the right-to-strike, and bring back child labour
in factories, and for sweeping chimneys.
"We have been paying ourselves much too highly, and for not enough work"
said its president, in the course of a four-hour "working" lunch.

Sadly, a rather stupid Tory backbench MP, sorry, a rather normal Tory
backbench MP, was taken to hospital suffering from shock, after he misheard
the governments call as: "Back to Basingstoke".
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 07:56:41 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Unknown citizen <poem, satire>

The Unknown Citizen by W. H. Auden

(To JS/07/M/378 This Marble Monument is Erected by the
   State)
He was found by the Bureau of Statistics to be
One against whom there was no official complaint,
And all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the modern sense of an old-fashined word, he was a
   saint,
For in everything he did he served the Greater Community.
Except for the War till the day he retired
He worked in a factory and never got fired,
But satisfied his employers, Fudge Motors Inc.
Yet he wasn't a scab or odd in his views,
For his Union reports that he paid his dues,
(Our report on his Union shows it was sound)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with his mates and liked a drink.
The press are convinced that he bought a paper everyday
And that his reactions to advertisements were normal in
   every way.
Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully
   insured,
And his health card shows he was once in hospital but left
   it cured.
Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Installment
   Plan
And had everything necessary to the Modern Man,
A phonograph, a radio, a car, and a frigidaire.
Our researchers in Public Opinion are content
That he held the proper opinions for the time of year:
When there was peace, he was for peace; when there was war,
   he went.
He was married and added five children to the population,
Which our Eugenist says was the right number for a parent of
   his generation,
And our teachers report that he never interfered with their
   education.
Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd:
Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 08:30:57 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
Subject:      Error messages

Not really an error message, but one that caught me off guard (and
caused me to laugh out loud in a place where it is frowned upon)
happened while I was using Nota Bene for a massive bibliographic project
for the New York Public Library.  I've used this program almost since
it first appeared and thought I saw every message it had.

I had defined a huge bibliographic file for sorting, and was waiting
for the program to get through crunching and chewing it, while
displaying the word "Working..."  It was taking a long time, and my
attention wandered.  When it wandered back to the screen (the program
still laboring away), I saw on the command line, "This is a BIG file!"

Theresa Muir
Graduate School of the City University of New York

Quid, me vexari?
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 08:59:44 EST
From:         David_Douglas <DHDAD@ACADVM1.UOTTAWA.CA>
Subject:      Funniest Error Messages

The old VMS FORTRAN compiler used to anounce:

VS FORTRAN COMPILER ENTERED

on completion of the compile it then stated

VS FORTRAN COMPILER EXITED

I always read, with the pleasure of accomplishment, "excited"
expecially if it also confirmed

"NO DIAGNOSTICS GENERATED"

Sometimes (actually most times) it complained.

SEVERE ERRORS ENCOUNTERED
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 09:40:58 EDT
Comments:     Converted from OfficeVision to RFC822 by PUMP V2.2X
From:         Kim Mitchell <DDD11B1@CFRVM.BITNET>
Subject:      A Thanksgiving Oldie but Goodie...

Did you hear that the local supermarkets are recalling all turkeys?

It seems as though they forgot to butter their balls...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 07:49:39 +0000
From:         Tony Fantillo <tfantill@CLN.ETC.BC.CA>
Subject:      12 days of Xmas - course language

December 22, 1993

Hey Shithead!

What are you, some kind of sadist?  Now there's nine pipers playing, and
Christ do they play!  They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning!  The cows are getting upset, and they're
stomping all over those screeching birds.  What am I going to do?  The
neighbours have started a petition to evict me!

You'll get yours

Agnes
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 10:33:54 EST
From:         Linda poole <Linda_poole@CCMAIL.GSFC.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      Rude Christmas Card/Poem

Here's a rude Christmas poem / card I sent to my friends one year. I'd love to
have a new one to send out this year if anyone has one -- or two -- please
submit ...

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Everybody felt shitty
Even the Mouse,

Mom at the whorehouse
And Dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
For a nice piece of ass,

When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter,

Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick,

He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of Hell
I knew in a moment
That the fucker fell,

He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick
For my brother, the queer.

He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart,

He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a hell of a night!


THE FRONT OF THE CARD HAD A PICTURE OF SANTA WAVING WITH
THIRD FINGER EXTENDED AND . . .

Season's Greetings
Money's Short
Times are Hard
Here's Your Fucking
Christmas Card

******
Hope you liked it - my first humor entry . . .  Miss P
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 15:50:46 +0000
From:         Ajit Limaye <A.Limaye@BRA0504.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      Re: Error Messages
On ICL mainframes, if you start the TPMS ( OLTP ) without
creating a new recovery file, it tries to use the old file and
then crashes with a message "Slot file not virgin"
If I try to boot my IBM PC without connecting keyboard, it will
say "keyboard error, press F1 to continue". Now how the hell you
press F1 when there is no keyboard ?
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 11:41:08 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Auto insurance <Jewish mothers beware>

There is a major auto insurance company that is now offering a
special package for Jewish mothers.

It is called a "my-fault" policy. :-)
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 09:45:01 MST
Comments:     Resent-From: APUCORLE@IDBSU
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Squaws (PG)

Q:  What do you call two squaws holding hands?
A:  Lesbiandians.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 17:17:38 GMT
From:         Ellen Daleng <ed@FELLINI.NOCRC.ABB.NO>
Subject:      Miscellaneous Quotes

She claimed that all the famous sights of Rome
were named after London movie theaters.
        -- Nancy Mitford

In my opinion there is only one good rule of living:
Refuse to admit the facts.
                -- Ruth Gordon

It is better to get too little of what is necessary,
than never to get a little of what is unnecessary.
                -- Sigrid Undset

After four dry martinis my husband turns into a terrible beast.
And after the fifth I black out completely.
                 -- Unknown

It was a book to kill time with - for those who prefer it dead.
                -- Rose Macaulay

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
                -- Ingrid Bergman

Never judge a cover by the book.
                -- Fran Lebowitz

An average, healthy, well-adjusted, adult being gets up at seven-thirty
- and feels terrible.
                -- Joan Kerr

Laugh, and the world laughs with you.
Cry, and you cry alone.
                -- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

You never recognize the really important moments of your life
- until it is too late.
                -- Agatha Christie

Interpretation is Intellect's revenge over Art.
                -- Susan Sontag

If you can keep your mind calm when everybody else is losing theirs,
you may not have fully realized the situation.
                -- Joan Kerr

The mistakes you regret the most in your life
are the ones you didn't commit when you had the chance.
                -- Helen Rowland

When faced with the choice between two evils,
I always choose the one I haven't tried before.
        -- Mae West
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 10:37:03 CST
From:         Cary Guffey <CAG850S@SMSVMA.BITNET>
Subject:      Another rude Christmas poem

Here's a slightly different version of Linda Poole's post:

Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house,
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse.
Grandpa and Grandma were singin' a song,
And the kid was in bed flogging his dong.

Ma home from the cathouse,
And I, out of jail, had just settled
Down for a good piece of tail.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I jumped off of Ma to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I made a mad dash,
Threw open the window and fell out on my ass.
And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and a dozen reindeer.

With a little old driver holding his prick,
I knew in a moment that bastard was Nick.
Slower than snails his chargers they came.
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name.

"Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the walls.
Quick now, damn it, or I'll cut off your balls!"
When up on the roof he stumbled and fell,
And came down the chimney like a bat out of Hell.

He staggered and stumbled and went to the door
He tripped on his dick and fell to the floor.
I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Piss on you all, it's a Hell of a night."


Guff
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 12:09:18 EST
From:         "Genie logiciel I/Syst.inf.repartis" <sun156@IFT.ULAVAL.CA>
Subject:      More funny error message

TOO BAD ERROR
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 12:25:46 EST
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was jdt3@COLUMBIA.EDU
From:         terwilliger@COLUMBIA.EDU
Subject:      Re: Miscellaneous Quotes

Martin Luther said:
"Of course girls mature earlier than boys, because weeds always grow
faster than good crops."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 12:51:18 EST
From:         "Ryan J. McMillen" <Ryan.J.McMillen@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject:      BEST JOKE EVER

Q. Who lives in the abandoned convent?
A. None.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 13:07:08 -0500
From:         King Rhoton <king@ACPUB.DUKE.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Funniest error message

Novell favorite:

During a Netware 3.11 install, two dialogs on screen simultaneously (and
neither message clearly on top):
"Press <ESC> to abort" and "Press <ESC> to continue"

Co-worker:      "What'cha gonna do?"
I:              "I imagine I'm going to hit <ESC>...."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 12:44:29 CST
Comments:     Resent-From: CC931CC <CC931CC@TCUAMUS>
Comments:     Originally-From: MEAGHER@TCUCVMS.BITNET
From:         CC931CC <CC931CC@TCUAMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Ascii Art

       |\/\/\/|     ____/|              ___    |\_/|    ___
       |      |     \ o.O|   ACK!      /   \_  |` '|  _/   \
       |      |      =(_)=  THPHTH!   /      \/     \/      \
       | (o)(o)        U             /                       \
       C      _)  (__)                \/\/\/\  _____  /\/\/\/
       | ,___|    (oo)                       \/     \/
       |   /       \/-------\         U                  (__)
      /____\        ||     | \    /---V  `v'-            oo )
     /      \       ||---W||  *  * |--|   || |`.         |_/\

                               Figure 1.

   There is an important subgenre of humorous ASCII art that takes
   advantage of the names of the various characters to tell a
   pun-based joke.

     +--------------------------------------------------------+
     |      ^^^^^^^^^^^^                                      |
     | ^^^^^^^^^^^            ^^^^^^^^^                       |
     |                 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^            ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ |
     |        ^^^^^^^         B       ^^^^^^^^^               |
     |  ^^^^^^^^^          ^^^            ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^      |
     +--------------------------------------------------------+
                  " A Bee in the Carrot Patch "

                               Figure 2.

   Within humorous ASCII art, there is for some reason an entire
   flourishing subgenre of pictures of silly cows.  Four of these are
   reproduced in Figure 2; here are three more:


              (__)              (__)              (__)
              (\/)              ($$)              (**)
       /-------\/        /-------\/        /-------\/
      / | 666 ||        / |=====||        / |     ||
     *  ||----||       *  ||----||       *  ||----||
        ~~    ~~          ~~    ~~          ~~    ~~
     Satanic cow    This cow is a Yuppie   Cow in love

                               Figure 3.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 14:38:42 -0500
Sender:       UGA Humor List <HUMOR@UGA.BITNET>
From:         "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <fowler@PALRES.DNET.SANDOZ.COM>
Subject:      Mysogenist, offensive.

Q. Why do women have legs?
A. Have you seen the mess a slug leaves behind?

Q. Why do women have arms?
A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Please ladies, quick, my guilt is killing me. Reply with an anti-
male-chauvenist-pig joke fast, and give me some respite!


Q. Why do you wrap a hamster in scotch tape? (cellotape=English version)
A. So it doesn't split when you screw it.


Ahhh. I need help!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 15:25:35 EST
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was NETNEWS@OCC
From:         George Casenhiser <GHCASENH@OCC.BITNET>
Subject:      card (pg13)

From a card I got in college in the 70's.

FRONT OF CARD

Friends may come and friends may go
Friends may peter out you know
But we'll be friends through thick & thin

INSIDE CARD

Peter out or peter in.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 15:23:26 EST
From:         RiffRaff <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      error messages

my favorite mac error message is on a shareware game I got at some random
ftp site...

"Typical IBM error message: #473629input$ 573 256-setting

Typical Mac error message: I'm sorry, but this game will only run in 256-color
mode.  Please reset the color setting using the 'monitors' control panel, and
restart the game.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 15:30:17 EST
From:         Fran D'Amico <fmdamico@CBDCOM.APGEA.ARMY.MIL>
Subject:      Aging (may offnd)

This couple was getting ready to go to bed and when the husband came
in from the bathroom his wife was rubbing this cream all over her tits.
He said "what the hell are you doing". She said she was unhappy about the
size of her breasts and this cream was supposed to make them larger. "But
it really doesn't seem to be working" she said.  The husband said "wait a
minute I have an idea". So he went into the bathroom and came back with
a roll of toilet paper and started rubbing it all over her tits.  She
said "what are you doing"? He said "well, I figured you have been wiping
your ass with this for years and look how big it has gotten"!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 16:16:00 CDT
From:         THE UNICORN <S_YECK@TWU.BITNET>
Subject:      Bobbitt Humor

Here are some limericks about the Bobbitt case.  (John Bobbitt is the man who
got part of him whacked off).  These limericks came from our local newspaper
this past Sunday.  Enjoy (they're quite interesting, I will admit)!

Big John was a lad of great lust
Had a wife who was filled with distrust
One night while hel slept
With a knife, in she crept
As a lover, Big John's now a bust
********************************
There once was a Bobbitt named John
Who thought he was quite the Don Juan
His wife disagreed
So the next time he wee'd
John couldn't locate his wand
*********************************
Lorena wished John could be nicer
But he wasn't much of a de-icer
If she finds a new spouse
Let us hope he's no louse
Or we might have our first serial slicer
**********************************
Big John Bobbitt might have been hipper
Had he kept his hot hands from his zipper
But to his wife's dismay
Big John leaped to the fray
The results would have pleased Jack the Ripper
*************************************
A surgeon was filled with great tension
Trying to sew on a thing we can't mention
He stitched and he sewed
Used all the skills that he knowed
But the wee thing won't stand at attention
*************************************
There was once a crime most venal
One might say 'twas inches from renal
It wasn't for sport
That she made him so short
Her intentions were nothing but penal
**********************************
The Bobbitt case sure is a dilly
Though it sounds a little bit silly
He said she's the hacker
Who lopped off his whacker
She said she was only trying to Free Willy
**********************************
There once was a man from Manassas
Who was fond of sleeping with lasses
His wife had enough
So she chopped off his stuff
Now, let's see him try to make passes
***********************************
There once was a lady named Bobbitt
Who got so fed up that she lopped it
She said, "I'm sorry honey,
But your conduct's not funny"
And she very efficiently stopped it
*********************************
There once was a place in Virginia
Where a gal snipped it off like a zinnia
She whipped back the sheets
Ignored his sad bleats
And attacked like a professional ninja
**********************************
(AND LAST, MY PERSONAL FAVOURTIE:)

John Bobbitt's detractors will scoff
For it seems the judgement's been soft
He's been retrofitted
And now he's acquitted
That's the last time he ever gets off
***************************
HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 18:43:49 -0500
From:         JOHN VOGEL <JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      Re: Abandoned convent joke

Where do Dartmouth Students throw wild parties?

A. At the abandoned convent -- the hilarity of the dartmouth parties goes well
with cloisters, and the prayers of the freshmen that this will be the night go
well with theme of the place -- lost causes.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 19:37:29 -0500
From:         JOHN VOGEL <JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      Offensive limerick (is there another kind?)

        There once was a Harlot at Yale
        With her price-list tattooed on her tail,
                And on her behind,
                for the sake of the blind
        She had it embroidered in Braille.


        There was a young man from Purdue
        Who was only just learnig to screw,
                But he hadn't the knack,
                And he got too far back--
        In the right Church, but in the wrong pew!

        Happy thanksgiving everyone!
        Happy thanksgiving everyone!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 16:19:35 CST
From:         Bret Robideaux <robidb@LBM.COM>
Subject:      EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE esp to feminists

Remember, I warned you, this is extremely offensive, bordering on totally
tasteless, but a few sick individuals will see the HUMOR.

What do 10,000 battered wymyn (PC :^>) have in common?

REMEMBER: VERY OFFENSIVE

THEY WOULDN'T FUCKING LISTEN!!!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 20:13:00 EST
From:         "Musat, Bob" <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      The Mulla Kyle gives a lesson in modern technology [G]

This series of stories does not presume to be anything remotely resembling
an allusion to the fact that my son, Kyle, might be as sage as the Mulla
Nasrudin, yet i think these are tales which need to be told.  If you should
ever happen to meet him, please tell him that you know of him through the
writings of his early-lifetime experiences.  -  oxo

The Mulla brings his powers of observation to bear on a lawyer

I have had a computer at home since before the Mulla was born.  He had seen
me operate my disk drive, but I never actually let him touch it.

When he was all of about 20 months, I was terminated from a job for medical
absences, which is illegal in Ohio.  Seeking the services and advice of a
lawyer, I took the Mulla Kyle with me to the meeting because I had no other
choice for childcare.

He was still in his fuzzy jammies (the kind with the feet in them) because
we had gotten up much too early for him, and I let him sleep in the car on
the way.  Now, however, we were in the lawyer's SMALL office and he was
awake, just a tad cranky, and fidgety.  (Sounds like a law firm unto itself,
doesn't it?  'Awake, Cranky and Fidgety')

I was trying to get him to sit in the chair next to mine in the lawyer's
office.  The lawyer wanted to appear magnanimous, I'm sure, and said, "Oh,
that's OK.  He can wander around."  I figured that as long as the door was
shut and the lawyer didn't mind, it was fine with me, too.

As we two adults were chatting back and forth about legal matters, Kyle
toddled around behind the lawyer's desk, eyeing the man's IBM PC.  As I
watched out of the corner of my eye, Kyle unlocked the disk drive of the
computer, pulled out the boot disk and began looking it over.

Hearing the loud 'CLICK!', the lawyer spun around in his chair and cried
out:  "Oh, no!  We just GOT these things, and I don't even know how to USE
it, yet!"  Calmly, and with great confidence I merely said, "Kyle, please
put the disk back in the disk drive."  Without so much as a second thought,
Kyle correctly slipped the disk in the drive and relocked it.

I must admit, though, since then, Kyle has been the death of my drive at
home!  :)

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 18:02:44 PST
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  3.4      A collection of clean humor gathered on: 2 Jun 88

Sorry to change the subject a little, but this priceless
little anecdote occurred while I was working for a hardware
store while in college.

I'm standing behind the counter, wearing my little scratchy
polyester uniform shirt, and this big huge guy walks up to
me carrying two rolls of shelf paper and says "Is this going
to be enough to cover my shelves?"

I stare at him for a moment, and then say "Well, that depends
how long your shelves are."  Silence.  "How long are your shelves?"

"Oh," he says, "Three feet each."

Silence.

"Ok," I say, "How many shelves do you have?"

"Four per cabinet."

Again silence.

"Allright, I'll bite," I say in raw disbelief, "How many cabinets,
indeed, do you have?" (I fully expected to hear "Three per room.")

"Two."

"Fine, so it sounds like you have two cabinets with four shelves
each that are three feet long."

"Yeah?"

"So that sounds to me like 2 * 4 * 3."

"Yeah?"

"That's 24."

"Yeah?"

"Those rolls are ten feet each."

"Yeah?"

This time, _I_ went silent.

Long pause..................

Then, with a look of pure enlightenment generally displayed
only by Zen masters: "I think I better get another roll."

"There is a God."  I thought.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 24 Nov 1993 23:16:47 EST
From:         David Bush <davepig@AOL.COM>
Subject:      Celebrity Humor (offensive) and A Feminist Joke

I heard this one out of the mouth of Andrew Dice Clay:

Q. Did you hear what happened to Jay Leno at the beach?

A. He was gang-raped by 7 pelicans!

And this little one made me chuckle (out of the LA Times):

Q. How many feminists does it take to put in a light bulb?

A. That's really not very funny.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 25 Nov 1993 03:06:00 EST
From:         William Uemura <0006363648@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject:      The land of milk, honey and more

-- [ From: William Uemura * EMC.Ver #1.00 ] --

A stranger came by Farmer Brown's place as he worked his fields one day.
The stranger asked, "I saw some Honeysuckle down by your creek there.  Mind
if I go fetch some honey for myself?"

Farmer Brown replied, "Why, son, you know you can't get no honey from
honeysuckle."

"Mind if I try anyway?"

"Go right on ahead."

The stranger came back with a pint of honey...amazing.

About a week later, the stranger came back:  "I saw some milkweed over in
your valley.  Mind if I get some milk?"

"Why, son, you know you can't get milk from milkweed."

"Mind if I try?"

"Go right on ahead."

The stranger returned with a gallon of milk...How'd he do that?

The next week, the stranger returned:  "I noticed you had some pussywillow
down in the meadow..."

"Just hold on, son.  I'll fetch my boots!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 25 Nov 1993 08:24:38 GMT
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      error messages (!!!)

I have got these from compilers over the years:

                Derryck.

Parental errors:

        No children
        Child exited
        unbalanced parentheses, statement truncated
                (parent) heses! Get it?!

Or with too many children:

        Table size too small


Plumber's blues:

        Trouble opening pipe
        Broken pipe

Too many references: can't splice

        Too many links

Clumsiness:

        Network dropped connection on reset
        fork failed

Amuptation:

        Link has been severed

Chilling messages:

        Fatal error
        Killed
        Bus error
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 25 Nov 1993 11:12:45 TUR
From:         Atilla OZERDIM <ATILLA@TREARN.BITNET>
Subject:      ABC of UNIX

Here is something that UNIX lovers might like.

         THE ABC'S OF UNIX

    A is for Awk, which runs like a snail, and
    B is for Biff, which reads all your mail.

    C is for CC, as hackers recall, while
    D is for DD, the command that does all.

    E is for Emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
    F is for Fsck, which rebuilds your trees.

    G is for Grep, a clever detective, while
    H is for Halt, which may seem defective.

    I is for Indent, which rarely amuses, and
    J is for Join, which nobody uses.

    K is for Kill, which makes you the boss, while
    L is for Lex, which is missing from DOS.

    M is for More, from which Less was begot, and
    N is for Nice, which it really is not.

    O is for Od, which prints out things nice, while
    P is for Passwd, which reads in strings twice.

    Q is for Quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
    R is for Ranlib, for sorting ar [sic] table.

    S is for Spell, which attempts to belittle, while
    T is for True, which does very little.

    U is for Uniq, which is used after Sort, and
    V is for Vi, which is hard to abort.

    W is for Whoami, which tells you your name, while
    X is, well, X, of dubious fame.

    Y is for Yes, which makes an impression, and
    Z is for Zcat, which handles compression.
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