File HUMOR00B

HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU is an unmoderated INTERNET forum for sharing all forms
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HUMOR021
========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 13:39:31 PDT
From:         "Hazem N. Nashif" <nashif@PMB.COM>
Subject:      Microsoft and Jurassic park

Q:  What's the difference between Microsoft and Jurassic park ?
A:  One's a big theme park full of dinosaurs and the other is a Steven
    Spielberg movie.

nashif@pmb.com
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 17:16:53 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Reagan age humor & change in rule about mail size

   After consulting with 18 of our most frequent contributors, I
have now changed rule #4 to read:

   Posts should be shorter than 50 lines; HUMOR will not accept
posts longer than 100 lines (headers and signatures count in the
total).

   Under the previous rule, people were allowed to post an article
as long as 250 lines.  This change is designed to protect
subscribers from large volumes of unwanted mail.  People who have
collected large files of humor are encouraged to post *samples*
from their files and offer to send complete files privately.

Obligatory Humor: REAGAN'S AGE

   The primary goal of political humor is to defuse uncomfortable
issues that will not respond to facts and figures.  In 1980 and
through the early years of his Presidency, Reagan's people were
convinced that the biggest problem he had to overcome was the
perception that he was too old to be president.  And so at every
opportunity, Ronald Reagan did age jokes.

   Reagan quoted Thomas Jefferson's comment that a person's
chronological age should be no barrier to his service to his
country.  Then he would pause and say, "And when Tom told me that
. . ."

   Speaking to the Washington Press Club, Reagan mentioned its
founding in 1919 and added, "It seems like only yesterday."

   "I share with you the honor of this special occasion, the 105th
annual meeting of the great American Bar Association.  It isn't
true that I attended the first meeting."

   Reagan said, "Well, Andrew Jackson left the White House at the
age of seventy-five and he was still quite vigorous.  I know
because he told me."

   Said Reagan to a group of doctors, "We've made so many advances
in my lifetime.  For example, I have lived ten years longer than my
life expectancy when I was born--a source of annoyance to a great
many people.

   "Mr. President," asked Henry Trewhitt, a veteran reporter, ". .
. you already are the oldest President in history, and some of your
staff say you were tired after your most recent encounter with Mr.
Mondale.  I recall that President Kennedy had to go for days on end
with very little sleep during the Cuban missile crisis.  Is there
any doubt in your mind that you would be able to function in such
circumstances?"

  "I want you to know that I will not make age an issue in this
campaign.  I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my
opponent's youth and inexperience."  After that joke, age was never
a serious issue during Reagan's  Presidency.
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 22:29:03 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Re: reagan age humor and change of rules

Bill's Reagan quotes put  me in mind of Margaret Thatcher's "humor".
She was not renowned for her personal sense of humour, and whenever
her speech writers gave her a joke to tell, no one was ever sure whether
she even got it herself.

On one occasion, she was praising her steadfast, reliable adviser,
William Whitelaw, who kept her out of trouble by urging caution  now and
again. "Every Prime Minister should have a Willy", she said.
This was received with great amusement.
However, no one is really sure, to this day, whether she told it
straight and then realised the double-entendre, intended it as a joke
all the time, or simply didn't even realise she had made a joke until
someone explained it to her off-stage!

Mike Ellwood,Abingdon, GB (mwe@ib.rl.ac.uk)

"Help Preserve Endangered Species"

    O    8
   /|\  /8\    O     ,__o
    |   /_\   /|\  _-\_<,
  _/ \_ _|_  _/ \_(*)/'(*)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 (thanks to Joe Sweeney for the cyclist graphic :) )
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 17:44:46 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Reagan joke

Adult sexual content, delete now if necessary




The recent post about Ronald Reagan reminded me of a joke I heard
recently (sorry if this one's already been on the list):

Ronald Reagan was chatting with Strom Thurmond one day and said, "Strom!
How do you do it? You're well into your 90's now and you're still as
great a cocksman as ever. What's your secret? Vitamins? Exercise?"
   Thurmond says, "No, none of that. All I do is, get this, before I
get into bed each night I whack my johnson against the bedpost four times.
Wap! Wap! Wap! Wap! After that he's ready to party."
   Reagan is amazed, naturally, but Thurmond assures him it'll work for an
old coot like him too. Reagan thanks him for the tip and makes a mental note
to try it on Nancy that night.
   So, when he crawls into bed it's dark, Nancy is already in bed, probably
with her hair in curlers and mud on her face....and Ronnie goes up to the
bedpost, whips out his johnson and...wap! wap! wap! wap!
   Nancy immediately wakes up and whispers in the night, "Strom! Is that you?"

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
"Gasoline and cheap perfume--half the smell of American adventure."
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 17:23:57 -0500
From:         Brad Pardee <bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU>
Subject:      bugs on TV

There was a man who was going to do a public access show on cable to talk
about lyme disease, how to avoid it, and how to protect your pets.  He
realized after the first showing, though, that people were tuning in
expecting to hear somebody discuss clocks and watches.  So he decided
that he would have to change the program's name, which was Tick Talk.
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 23:03:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858"
<KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      off-color Ronald Reagan joke

Q.  Why did Nancy always insist on being on top?
A.  Because Ronald Reagan could only fuck up.

==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 14:13:40 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Things must be bad

  I hear talk about our weakened economy, our huge debt, and the high
rate of unemployment.  I look for encouragement whever I can find it.
It is so depressing.  I can't find any hope.  I don't want to think
about tomorrow.  Then today I learn that three of George Bush's
children are starting a new chain of stores.  Great you think.  Hey,
they are going to advertise on Rush Limbaugh's show.  Then I found out,
those stores are going to be going-out-of-business stores.  :-)  Maybe
Senator Dole can arrange some government guaranteed loans.
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 14:59:45 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Bumper stickers (fwd)

Making fun of New Age: "Visualize ...  Using Your Turn Signal"

Gay rights: "God Created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve"

Politics/ other-party-bashing:
  "Impeach the Clintons"
  "Friends Don't Let Friends Vote Republican"
  "Bill Clinton Doesn't Inhale -- He Sucks"
  "Vote Republican -- It's Easier Than Thinking"


Miscellaneous:
  "Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway"
  "No Matter Where You Go, There You Are"
  "Cats Flattened While You Watch"

  "Stamp Out Crime.  Abolish the IRS."
  "Dare to Keep the CIA Off Drugs"
  "My Other Car Is a Broom"
  "Happiness Is Your Mother-in-Law's Picture On the Back of a Milk Carton"

  "Quit Sniveling"
  "Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?"
  "Not All Men Are Fools.  Some Men Are Bachelors"
  "Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humor"

  "Forget the Whales.  Save the Cowboy"
  "Old Skiers Never Die.  They Just Go Downhill.
  "Disarm Rapists"
  "My Karma Just Ran Over Your Dogma"
  "Black Holes Suck"
  "This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random"

  "I Brake for Hallucinations"
  "If You Love Jesus-- Tithe -- Any Fool Can Honk"
  "I'm OK.  You're So-So."
  "Scixelsyd Etinu" (read backwards)
  "Jesus Saves ... String"

  "Your Mother's Choice Was Pro-Life"
  "My Mother Was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips"
  "Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them in the Car"
  "Money Isn't Everything, but It Sure Keeps the Kids in Touch"
  "My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student"
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 15:26:15 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      A dog idiom

Hair of the dog that bit you:

   It is said that someone who wakes up with a hangover can cure it
by taking a drink of the same alcohol he'd been drinking the night
before.  It is an extension of the old belief that the antidote to
a dog bite is the burnt hair of the dog that bit you.


Stonewall:

   This word, which means to refuse to talk or answer, was greatly
used during Watergate.  Originally, it was a cricket term which was
used to indicate the kind of defensive play when one team concentra-
ted on blocking the ball from their own wicket, or goal, rather than
trying to gain the offensive.


The last straw:

   The final burden, problem, or bit of bad luck which brings you to
the breaking point is often greeted with, "That's the last straw!"  Also,
"that was the straw that broke the camel's back."  This originated
in the fable of the man who claimed that his camel could be trained to
carry enormous weights if you went about it gradually, leading him
up one straw at a time until ....
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 15:14:00 EST
From:         BABA <HARSH@CRNLGSM.BITNET>
Subject:      more bumper stickers.......

While on the subject....
..someone sent this to me a while back...


----------------------------Original message----------------------------

<forwards deleted>
                       New Bumper Stickers

There was a contest in New York Magazine inviting imaginative readers to
supply new bumper stickers.  In this country, every cause appears to be
represented with a bumper sticker.

The magazine chided the submittors for too many variations on common
formats such as "Honk if you ..." (have sinus trouble; like Ankhs;
simply adore foie gras) and "I brake for ..." (Elvis; cubic zirconia;
hallucinations).

Here are selected submissions.

Another Drag Queen for Bush
Don't Laugh, It's Stolen
Floggings will continue until morale improves
My Other Car Has a Radio
Ask Me About Satanism
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
Overthrow the Fascist American Pigs!
              (with a happy face next to the words)
Welcome to New York, Putz
Stamp out Flamenco
Caution: I can go from zero to ballistic in 1.4 seconds
Legalize Feenamint
Perot: So He's Not Running; Let's Elect Him Anyway
Cars Longa, Vita Brevis <Latin help required?>
I Dated Wilt Chamberlin
Keep Reincarnation Safe and Legal
Millie for First Lady; Tipper for First Dog
I'd Rather Be Linpyag Nasramga <help>
Friends Don't Let Friends Vote Republican
You know what this is... You know what to do
Christians for Knishes
Hoover Lives
Justice Thomas is an Oxymoron
Shoot the NRA
Goyim for Jesus
Save the Iambic Pentameter
If you have a car phone and are over 18,
  call me at 555-1234;
  only $.95 per minute.
Join the Club of the Redundancy Club
Free Colonel Mustard
Honk if you want to see my finger
No Grey Poupon
Sorry, I Don't Date Outside My Species
Buy White House Cookies
Schizophrenics for Bush and Clinton
This Too Shall Pass
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
____________________



____________________
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 16:37:31 -0400
From:         Patti Johnson <johnson@MICRONET.WCU.EDU>
Subject:      forgetting your bumper sticker

... all these bumper stickers remind me of a story a friend once told me
... happened to him.

He was following a car that had a bumper sticker that read: "Honk if you
love Jesus"  He did.  The driver of the sticker'd car gave him the finger.

Guess ya hadda be there.
                        patti
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 16:43:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858"
<KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Bumper stickers (fwd)

Anti-tourist bumper stickers from FL:

If you love NY, take I-95 north

Happiness is a Canadian headed north with a Michigander under each arm

When I get old, I'm going to move up north and drive real slow

Welcome to Florida.  Now go home.

Some of us have to get to WORK

***

Best bumper sticker seen in the last year or so:

Preachers do it with Amazing Grace

***

Bumper sticker on the car of a friend, who is an industrial process
engineer:

Pneumatics suck...and blow

***

Shirl
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 17:55:09 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: A dog idiom

I enjoyed the clever explanations of the origin of "hair of the dog,"
"stonewall," and "the last straw."  Does anyone known the origin of "the
whole nine yards"?

Obligatory humor, be it ever so corny:

You heard about the construction worker who fell into the cement mixer and
got a little behind in his work?
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 16:08:01 -0600
From:         "Computer Center Ext. 6839" <DION@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      CORNY: Two liner

Did you hear about the guy who worked at the bubble gum factory and fell in
the
bubble gum?

His boss chewed him out!
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 17:26:26 -0600
From:         Evelyn Clement <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      ADULT HUMR LIMERICK

There was a young fellow from Ghentt
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
     To save himself trouble
     He put it in double.
And instead of coming he went!hw
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 18:37:48 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Mild euphemism

Shortly after WWII, Edward R. Murrow was interviewing, on live radio, a
famous,
British Air Ace.  He asked this gentleman to recount one of his more dramatic
air battles during the war.  The Air Ace thought a second, and started, "One
morning around 5 a.m., my squadron was flying over southern France.  All of a
sudden, I looked out at 12 O'Clock and saw three Fokkers.  Then, at 10
O'Clock,
I saw two more Fokkers.  At three O'Clock, there were yet two more Fokkers."
At this point, Murrow broke in and said, "For the sake of our listening Audience
I think it appropriate to say that a Fokker is a German, fighter aircraft."
The British Air Ace responded, saying, "Yes, that's perfectly correct.  These
Fokkers, however, were flying Messerschmidts!"

==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 18:44:23 CST
From:         Terrie McMillan <TMCMILLA@SATURN.UARK.EDU>
Organization: University of Arkansas
Subject:      oldie rated g

Here's an oldie but a goodie (and corny, too)....

******************************************************************
****

Sam the clam and Harry the oyster were best friends on earth.  Harry
was a good oyster, so when he died he went to heaven.  Sam, on the
other hand, was somewhat devilish so he went to (well, you know).  As
the years went by, Harry grew to miss his friend more and more.
Finally, he asked St. Peter if he could please visit his old friend
just one more time.  St. Peter, knowing what a good oyster Harry was
and how sad he was, agreed on the condition that Harry be back to
heaven by 12:00 midnight.  Harry was so excited that he grabbed his
harp and ran down to earth and on to (well, you know).  When he got
there,  he discovered that Sam had a dance place.  Sam, on seeing his
old friend, invited him to sit in with the band and do a few tunes.
Harry jammed with the band and was having a high ole time when he
realized that it was 11:57 pm.  He quickly told Sam that he had to
leave and hurried back to earth and then on to heaven.  He stopped
cold in front of the gates with a look of total dispair.  St. Peter
said, "Why Harry, what's wrong?  You're not late."  Harry just looked
at him, shook his head and cried:

    I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM CLAM'S DISCO!

==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 18:44:56 CST
From:         Carol Ralston <CRALSTON@SATURN.UARK.EDU>
Organization: University of Arkansas
Subject:      Stupid enough to be humorous

    What did the potato chip say to the battery????


    I'm frito-lay if you're eveready!!!
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 08:46:22 -0400
From:         Nate Ravid <S29831%21518@UTRCGW.UTC.COM>
Subject:      Ted Koppel Political Humor

While watching Nightline last night, I was amazed to hear Ted Koppel come out
with this DOOZY!
He was talking about the floods along the Mississippi River and stated:
"When Bill Clinton visited the flood-ravaged state of Iowa, the people there
thought they had seen the worst that nature could throw at them."

Ted finally wings a winner!

Nate
Sikorsky Aircraft
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 09:40:45 EST
From:         Peter Greenberg <AISPG@CUVMC.BITNET>
Subject:      Summit Malapropism

Mickey Kantor, quoted on CNN last night talking about agreement at the G-7
summit:

   "There are no winners or losers...we're all winners."

Huh?

Peter Greenberg
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 17:01:43 MET-1
From:         Josephine Jarfas <JARFAS@BTK.JPTE.HU>
Subject:      Thatcher

The reference to Thatcher reminded me of this one I heard on a tour in
London, three years ago.

Bush, Gorbichev and Thatcher all die on the same day and they are at the
pearly gates of heaven.  God comes up to them and asks them to come in to
his throne so he can talk to them.  They all go up to the throne and God
sits down.  First he asks Bush:  "Why should you be let into heaven?"

Bush says, "Well, God, I've always been a strong christian and I've tried
to live my life in the best way possible."

God says,  "Well, this is true.  Why don't you come up and sit on my right
side."  Then he asks Gorbichev, "Why should you be let into heaven?"

Gorbichev says, "Well, it is true that I never believed in you before, but
now that I see that you are in fact here, I am prepared to do everything
I can to adore and honor you.  I also tried to live my life the best that
I could."

God thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I'm prepared to give you a chance.
Come and sit on my left side."  Then he turns to Margaret Thatcher (when
she was P.M.) and asks her the same question. "Why should you be let into
heaven?"

Thatcher turns to God with this furious look on her face and says, "What
are you doing in my chair?"

It's even better with voices.

Josephine
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 11:19:26 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Pearly gates jokes

Josephine's joke about Bush, Gorbachev and Thatcher has been making
the rounds here as well, only with Bush, Bill Clinton and Hillary as
the featured players. Since she provided me a segue', let me say that
my SO and I have been collecting pearly gates jokes for a few months now.
Herewith, our favorite (and more to follow in future posts):

Mr. and Mrs. Jones are killed in a car crash and go up to the pearly gates.
Naturally, the line is enormous! Jones is trying to see up to the front to
see what's going on. Here's what he sees: St. Peter checking in new appli-
cants (we like to picture him with a clipboard in hand):
   "So, Mr. Smith! We've been watching you down on earth. You really loved
your
money, didn't you?! You were always counting it, hoarding it, never gave
alms to the poor, never donated to any charities...why, you were such a
cheapskate, you loved your money SO MUCH you even married a woman
named
PENNY!" And Mr. Smith is instantly dispatched to {the other place}.
   (Jones turns to his wife and whispers, "Boy, is he being strict!")
   Next applicant up, St. Peter takes one look and says, "Ah! Mr. Anderson.
We've been watching you down on earth! You really loved your liquor, didn't
you? Always drunk on the job, until you lost your job because you drank too
much...spent every penny you had on booze...heck, you're HERE 'cause you
were
a drunk driver...why, you loved your booze SO MUCH you even married a
woman
named SHERRY!" And St. Peter dismissed Mr. Anderson.
   At this point our hero Jones turns to his wife and says, "Let's get out
of here now, Fanny. We're wasting our time in this line!"

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
Charter member, Maryland Grammar Police
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 12:14:27 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL (Computer Humor G)

Hi, folks! If you remember BOFH series I posted about a week ago,
this is my next posting "Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL.
It's a Computer Humor about good old times, computers and languages.
According to new rules of the conference, post CAN NOT be more, than
50 lines, moreover, I can post ONLY samples of the big stories. So, if
you'd like to get it all, send me a message. Enjoy!
====<   Sample Posting   >===========
6.  THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY
     Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way  he  works  --  with
computers.  He  is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to
do what he would be doing for fun anyway, although he  is  careful  not  to
express  this opinion out loud. Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step
out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on
recognizing real programmers away from the computer room:

*    At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in  the  corner  talking
     about operating system security and how to get around it.

*    At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays
     against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.

*    At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the
     sand.

*    A Real Programmer goes to a disco to watch the light show.

*    At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George.  And
     he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary."

*    In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on run-
     ning  the  cans  past  the  laser checkout scanner himself, because he
     never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.

7.  THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT
     What sort of environment does the Real Programmer  function  best  in?
This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Consid-
ering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's  best  to
put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work done.

     The typical Real Programmer lives in front  of  a  computer  terminal.
Surrounding this terminal are:

*    Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled
     in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.
======< End Sample >===========
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 12:20:27 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      heaven joke

Three guys arrive at the gates of heaven.
They are greeted by (you guessed it) St. Peter, who asks the first one,
     "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
      "No sir, not ever, I was married for 30 wonderful years
and I never even looked at another women!", replied the man.
     "Very good!", said St. Peter, "Here is a brand new Mercades
for you to drive here in heaven."
To the next guy: "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
     "Well," said the man, "I was married for 40 years and I only
cheated on her once."
     "That is not good," replied St. Peter, "but since it was only once
in 40 years, here is a nice Oldsmobile for you to drive here in heaven."
To the 3rd man: "Sir, did you ever cheat on your wife?"
     "Well," said #3, "I was married for 45 years and I only
cheated twice, no, three times."
     "You have been a bad boy", said St. Peter, "but since you were
honest, here is a nice Pinto for you to drive here in heaven."
All 3 men drove away in their cars.
A few days later the guy in the Pinto pulled up next to the guy in the
Mercades at a stop light.  He looked over and noticed that the man
in the Mercades was crying.  So he asked the man, "Why are you crying,
you have a fine car to drive around here in heaven.  You should be happy."
    "Well, I was happy," replied the man, "but at that last light I saw
my wife, and she was riding a Bicycle."

Thank you, Thank you!
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 13:12:45 CDT
From:         "Scott P. Muir" <SMUIR@UA1VM.BITNET>
Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Subject:      Musician Jokes

Q.   What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A.   Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

Q.   What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A.   You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q.   Why do people take an instant dislike to violists?
A.   Saves time.

Q.   What do violists use for birth control?
A.   Their personalities.

Q.   What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a
     country singer in the road?
A.   The country singer may have been on the way to record a
     session.

Q.   How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
A.   Shoot one.

Q.   Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants?
A.   Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares.

Q.   Why are violins smaller than violas?
A.   They aren't.   Violinists heads are bigger.

Q.   Why is a violinist like a Scud missile.
A.   Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q.   What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A.   The coffin has the corpse inside.

Q.   What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A.   A drummer.

Q.   What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?
A.   "Would you like fries with that?"

Q.   How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A.   She just hold it and the world revolves around her.

Q.   If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off the top of a
     building, which hits the ground first?
A.   Who cares?

Q.   What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of
     fertilizer?
A.   The sack.

Q.   Why are conductors hearts coveted for transplants?
A.   They've had so little use.
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 15:42:45 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <chibnik@REACH.COM>
Subject:      Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL (Computer Humor G)
              8 Jul 1993 12:14:27 -0400 <9307081620.AA08716@uu.psi.com>

Hi! I liked your real-programmers at play (I've seen the Pascal thing
LONG ago) but would like it if you send whatever you humor have
regarding programmers.

I have a collection of humor, mostly diverse, collected from
rec.humor, which I would be happy to share, if you'de like a catalog
(I'd send catalog now, but dont have it prepared.)

Anyway, thanks for sharing on HUMOR.
Ron Chibnik
chibnik@reach.com
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 15:51:07 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <chibnik@REACH.COM>
Subject:      Pearly Gate Joke

Sorry if you've seen this before:

Gorbechev, Kissinger and Regan are killed on the way to a peace
conference. Kissinger and Gorbechev awaken and find themselves on a
tree lined street, perfect weather, feeling great. Kissinger things
and says "I guess this must be heaven." "Then why", wonders Gorbechev,
"do we each have this ugly woman chained to our leg?"

They go off in search of God, but when they get to his office, God's
secretary turns them away. "Look", he tells the two, "You guys just
barely made it in here. God doesnt have time to talk to you. If you
don't like it, you can go to Hell!"

So as the two are walking away the see Regan, with Bo Derek chained to
him. They're agast. When they catch up to him, they ask, "How come we
have these two ugly broads, and you have Bo Derek?" "Well, it's like
this. Bo barely made it in here, and ..."

Ron
chibnik@reach.com
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 08:35:08 EDT
From:         Bernadette C Himaras <bch@WARM.SEMCOR.COM>
Subject:      uderstanding women(PG13)

We have tried to explain
Women to not belch,
Women do not snore,
and
Women do not fart...
Therefore,
They must bitch
pr they will blow up!
Now do you understand?





--
Bernadette Himaras
bch@warm.semcor.com
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 15:25:40 BST
From:         Mr Hugh Armour <ha1@STIRLING.AC.UK>
Subject:      More Programmers' Humour

Recite in the rythme of "The Lord is My Shepard....."

            The Programmer's Psalm
            ----------------------
   Programming is my life, I shall not be bored.
   It maketh me to do research in far places.
   It causeth me to correspond with odd people.
   It keepeth me alert.
   It leadeth me into areas of understanding for necessity's sake.
   Yea, though I live through a Winter of inclement weather,
   I will fear no boredom, for my languages are with me.
   Their syntax and their structure they confound me.
   They provideth me a means of escaping the leisures of my free time.
   My cash runneth lower.
   Surely, frustration and error codes will follow me all the days of my life.
   And I shall dwell in the domain of the Super-user forever.
   Return.

--
Hugh Armour
Senior Operator
Computer Services
University of Stirling

E-Mail: ha1@stirling.uk.ac
 

"What the hell?" is often the best decision to make.
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 09:33:55 CDT
From:         Paul Franson <pfranson@VNET.IBM.COM>
Subject:      Pearly Gates / Oral Roberts Story

Oral Roberts (the faith-healing televangelist) is "called home" and arrives
at the pearly gates to face a very stoic looking St. Peter.

"Name, please" asks St. Peter.  "Oral Roberts, sir", he replies meekly.

"THE Oral Roberts??!!"  "Well, yes sir.  Is there some problem?"

"My supervisor wants to see you immediately!".

Oral is lead down a fabulously ornate hall to a solid silver, jeweled door.
The door opens to reveal a throne room, and on that throne is Jesus.  Oral
throws himself to the floor in complete supplication.

"What is you name, my son ?" Jesus asks softly.  "Oral Roberts".  Jesus peers
down intently, "THE Oral Roberts ??!!?  My father wants to speak with you !"

Jesus gets down from the throne, and leads Oral to another hallway.  They
arrive at a solid gold door that is so high, that Oral cannot see the top.
The door is covered with jewels in elaborate patterns that Oral can tell were
worked out by the likes of Michelangelo and Leonardo DiVinci.  The door
opens
effortlessly and beyond is a room with walls of solid gold, inlaid with more
jem paintings.  In the center of this massive room sits a throne hundreds of
feet high.  At the top is fatherly figure bathed in bright light.

"WHAT IS YOUR NAME!!!" booms across the room in a voice that surrounds
Oral.
Oral kneels, and prays, "It is I, Oral Roberts, a humble servant"

"THE ORAL ROBERTS !!!"  "Yes sir", as Oral braves for the worst.

"Look, Oral, I got this pain in my elbow....."

==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 11:46:45 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Yet another pearly gates joke, rated G

St. Peter is checking in new arrivals at the pearly gates when all of a sudden
he has to go to the bathroom really bad. So he buttonholes Jesus, who happens
to be floating by, and asks if he would mind covering the desk while Peter
does his business. "It's real easy," St. Peter says, "all I've been doing is
asking them about their lives, like what did they do for a living on earth,
what their families were like, that sort of thing."
        "Well, I think I can handle that," Jesus says. So he is there at
the desk while Peter is in the john, and for a while the check-in procedure
is pretty routine. Then up comes a shrunken, wizened little old man, and
Jesus asks the regular, "Well, sir, what did you do for a living on earth?"
        "I was a carpenter," the little old man replied.
        "Gee, what a coincidence," Jesus said. "MY father was a....carpenter
...too..." (you can tell he's thinking, Is this the guy??) "Uh, well...
did you have any children on earth?"
        "I had a son, but he died."
        "REALLY?" Jesus said. "Well, can you...uh...DESCRIBE your son?"
        "Well, he was a regular kind of kid, except, he had holes in his
hands and feet."
        That did it! Jesus slams down his pencil on the desk, flings open his
arms and cries, "Dad!!"
        The little old man's face brightens, he flings open his arms, and
cries, "PINOCCHIO!!"

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
Charter member, Maryland Grammar Police
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 13:02:29 CDT
From:         "Scott P. Muir" <SMUIR@UA1VM.BITNET>
Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Subject:      Gay men in heaven, likely to offend religious people

     Three gay men who had been friends for years all ended up in
heaven together.  The first man decided he would go out and see
what fun he could find.  He stayed away for what seemed like
hours.  When he returned his friends wanted to know what had
happened and where he had been.  He told them, "I went back to
the pearly gates to see Saint Peter and he sure does live up to
his name!"
     The second man then decided to go out to see what he could
find.  When he returned the scene was repeated and he explained
to his friends, "I found Gabriel and he sure can blow a horn!"
     Well, now the third man went out.  He was gone for the
longest time.  When he returned, his eyes were glazed over and he
had a huge smile on his face.  When his friends ask what had
happened, he only smiled and walked away singing the first line
of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."  (Mine Eyes Have Seen....)

==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 14:15:47 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      PRISON

Q: What do you buy prisoner on his birthday?

A:  SOAP ON A ROPE!
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 15:25:21 -0500
From:         Cheryl Causey <S72UCAU@TOWSONVX.BITNET>
Subject:      May be offensive to fans of Maryland's Gov. Shaeffer

Here is my first post on this list--TA DA.  Just heard this one yesterday.

A man was trying to cross the Canadian border back into the US but didn't have
his identifcation.  So he told the border patrol that he could prove he was a
US citizen: he had a tatoo of Clinton on one cheek and Gore on the other.  The
officer said, "OK drop your drawers and show me."  So the guy did.  The
officer
then said, "OK, you can pull up your pants.  I believe you.  Have a safe trip
to Maryland."  To which the guy asked, "How did you know I was from
Maryland?"
The officer replied, "Wasn't that Shaeffer in the middle?"

BTW, I'm a Maryland citizen.  To the GOV: It's just a joke; don't flame me!
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 14:53:15 CDT
From:         Rachel Dvoretzky <RACHEL@RICEVM1.RICE.EDU>
Subject:      Reagan

Here's an OLD one from when Ronald Reagan was governor of California:


One morning Reagan got up, went into the bathroom, and looked into the mirror
to shave.  He noticed a small bump on his forehead, but thought nothing of it.

The next morning, Reagan got up, went into the bathroom, and looked into the
mirror to shave.  He noticed that the bump had gotten bigger, but figured it
was a zit that would go away by itself.

Every morning that week, Reagan got up, went into the bathroom, and looked
into
the mirror to shave, and every day the bump got bigger, and greenish, and grew
legs and eyes.  By the end of the week it had grown into a frog.  At this point
Reagan decided to see the doctor.

The doctor came into the examination room and asked, "What seems to be the
trou
ble?"  To which the frog replied, "Doc, I've got this growth on my ass that
just won't go away!"
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 16:36:57 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      The Lesson (Innocuous)

                              THE LESSON

Then, Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them
around him taught them saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they who thirst for justice.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.

Then, Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And, Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And, James said, "Will this be on the test?"
And, Phillip said, "I don't have any paper."
And, Bartholomew said, "The other disciples didn't have to
learn this."
And, John said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And, Matthew said, "Can I go to the bathroom?"
And, Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"

Then, one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus'
lesson plan and inquired of Jesus: "Where is your anticipatory
set of objectives in the cognitive domain?"

And Jesus wept.
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 17:54:10 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      PG-13 stuff I remembered just now

1) From our sports list, STATLG-L: Anthony Young was a contestant
recently on Wheel of Fortune, but lost the jackpot. The puzzle was
"Wayne's World." He lost because he couldn't buy a W.... (For those of
you who don't follow sports, Anthony Young is the Mets pitcher who
recently set a major league record by losing 26 consecutive decisions, and
he's still going, er, strong. The reason the Mets don't get rid of him is
because he's not pitching bad, it's just the Mets that suck.)

2) Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose are sitting in a bar having
a drink when a gorgeous blonde walks by.
Boggs: "Man, would I love to get her in the sack!!"
Garvey: "No way, man, she's having my baby!"
Rose: "Wanna bet?" (For those of you who don't follow sports,...aw, never
mind.)

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
"Gasoline and cheap perfume--half the smell of American adventure."
   --Norman Mailer
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 20:57:00 GMT
From:         "John R. Garrett" <0004716758@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject:      MATH HUMOR (A TRUE STORY)

A friend swears that this happened in his freshman math principles class,
many years ago.

One of his fellow students got very frustrated with the highly abstract
discussion, and said to the teacher, "can't we please have some
examples with real numbers in them?"

The teacher frowned, furrowed his brow, and said< "let alpha be one
real number, and let beta be another real number..."
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 19:33:56 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Ethnically insensitive humor

How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.  One to screw it in and one to shoot the witnesses.

What's a cannibal's favorite religious text?
"How to serve your fellow man."

What do you call a Chinese virgin?
Too Young To.

How do you get twenty Argentinians in a phone booth?
Let them think they own it.

What did the cannibals who caught a politician have for dinner?
A baloney sandwich.

Two Frenchmen were walking down the street when one turns to the
other and says, "Pierre, you know, there's one special time when
I really like to have sex."

"When is that, Claude?" asked his friend.

"Just before I have a cigarette."

Hear about the guy who was half Jewish and half Japanese?
He was circumcised at Benny Hannah's.

What do you call a Puerto Rican with no kids?
A virgin.
==========
Date:         Sat, 10 Jul 1993 06:33:40 EDT
From:         "BERTON_CORSON@mcimail.com"
<70473.1567@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject:      I Hate Pay Toilets!

Here is part of an interesting discussion that went on in a private
bulletin board system I use.  I deleted all names of posters, to protect
the innocent.      <BUT A TRUE STORY>

******************

INITIAL MESSAGE SENT TO A LARGE MAIL GROUP:

At our facility there is sometimes a problem with unauthorized visitors
coming here just to use the restrooms, as some stores, and gas stations
in the immediate vicinity, just have pay restrooms.  Are there ordinances
in other areas which regulate this?  I, too, wouldn't like to pay for this,
and I see many problems that can happen.


HERE'S ONE BORING RESPONSE:

I think in the city I live in, the retail establishment must let
customers/visitors use the restroom for no charge upon request.


BUT HERE IS MY FAVORITE RESPONSE:

I'm fairly sure there is an ordinance in Los Angeles County that
regulates this, but it probably isn't being inforced properly, as
I see establishments wanting 25 cents to enter the restroom, although
they'll usually give you a free token at the counter to get in, if
you request it.
In any event, it isn't something to really get worried about.  Just
do what four generations of my family have done:

               "Crawl under the door."

==========
Date:         Sat, 10 Jul 1993 07:35:19 EDT
From:         Bert Headrick <ACAD1159@SLCSL.STLAWRENCEC.ON.CA>
Subject:      Naughty but cute Pearly Gates humour

Subject: Naughty but cute Pearly Gates humour

Three nuns arrive at the pearly gate simultaneously and are about
to pass through the gate when St. Peter stops them and explains
that they must first pass the test.  The fact that they are nuns
does not give them any special privileges there.

St. Peter asked the first nun, "Who was the first man?"  She
replied, "Oh, that's easy; it was Adam."  And the harps played, the
trumpets blew, the angels sang the gates opened, and she
passed beyond.

St. Peter then asked the second nun, "Who was the first woman?"
She replied, "Oh that's easy; it was Eve."  And the harps played,
the trumpets blew, the angels sang the gates opened, and she
passed beyond.

St Peter then asked the third nun, "What was the first thing Eve
said to Adam?"  The third nun replied, "Oh, that's a hard one.."
And the harps played, the trumpets blew, the angels sang...

Regards,
BERT HEADRICK, HEALTH SCIENCE, BROCKVILLE
==========
Date:         Sat, 10 Jul 1993 11:23:13 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Shagging, jogging, & condoms <adult>

Subject:      Jogging in the Nude
Date:         Sun, 13 Jun 1993 11:13:20 GMT
From:         Brian.Milner@brunel.ac.uk (Brian D Milner)
Organization: Brunel University, West London, UK

Bloke is shagging someone else's wife. Husband comes home
unexpectedly. Bloke dives out of window starkers. Joins up with
joggers in street to hide his embarrasment.

Jogger> "You always run naked?"

Bloke>  "Sure."

Jogger> "Why the condom?"

Bloke>  "It might rain."


==========
Date:         Sat, 10 Jul 1993 11:33:38 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Do you know what I mean <Mulla gives a speech>

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU?

  Nasrudin was invited to give a discourse to the inhabitants of a
nearby village.  He mounted the rostrum and began.

  "O people, do you know what I am about to tell you?"

  Some rowdies, seeking to amuse themselves, shouted, "No!"

  "In that case," said the Mulla with dignity, "I shall abstain
from trying to instruct such an ignorant community."

  The following week, having obtained an assurance from the
hooligans that they would not repeat their remarks, the elders of
the village again prevailed upon Nasrundin to address them.

  "O people, do you know what I am about to tell you?"

  Some of the people, uncertain as to how to react, for he was
gazing at them fiercely, muttered, "Yes."

  "In that case," retorted Nasrudin, "there is no need for me to
say more."  He left the hall.

  On the third occasion, when a deputation had again visited him
and implored him to make one further effort, he presented h;imself
before the assembly.

  "O people!  Do you know what I am about to say?"

  Since he seemed to demand a reply, the villagers shouted, "Some
of us do, and some of us do not."

  "In that case," said Nasrudin as he withdrew, "let those who know
tell those who do not."
==========
Date:         Sat, 10 Jul 1993 11:53:46 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Who said Clinton was a joke?

Examples of humor extracted from REMARKS BY THE PRESIDENT AT THE
WASHINGTON DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL COMMITTEE PRESIDENTIAL
GALA, June 28,
1993, Washington Convention Center, Washington, D.C.

Clinton: You heard that the Vice President, of course, broke the tie the
other night in the Senate on the economic program. What you ought to
know is that I was furiously working the phones, and a couple of
Senators -- Senator Murray from Washington was not well, and so we
thought we had enough votes to pass the bill and so she stayed home in
bed. And then two of the people we thought would vote for it said, well,
I won't let it die, Mr. President, but if the Vice President can break a
tie, that's okay with me.

So, we were there at the end. And right before the vote came down to the
end with the time running off, the Vice President sent a note to Senator
Mitchell, our Democratic leader, and he said, "George, I'm wavering."
(Laughter.) But conviction overcame him at the end ...

* * *

Those things drove me into the race and they produced in the end, thanks
to all of you, a remarkable change in the course of American life. But
the details are always more difficult than the rhetoric. Governor Cuomo
used to say frequently that we campaign in poetry, but we must govern in
prose. And as my daughter likes to remind me of that great slogan the
kids are all saying today, "Denial is not just a river in Egypt."
(Laughter.)

==========
Date:         Sat, 10 Jul 1993 15:38:59 EST
From:         Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Greek joke about a man who was cuckolded <adult>

One time, there were two enemies.  One of them sent the other a
box that contained a pair of horns (implying that he was a
cuckold).

So the man realized who had sent the horns.  So he filled the
horns with rose petals and returned the box with a card that
read: "We each sent the other that which he had.  You had the
horns, I had the roses!"
==========
Date:         Sun, 11 Jul 1993 13:16:33 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Def. of success <Mulla Nasrudin>

AND IT WAS A SUCCESSFUL BEAR HUNT

  A king who enjoyed Nasrudin's company, and also liked to hunt,
commanded him to accompany him on a bear hunt.  Nasrudin was
terrified.

  When Nasrudin returned to his village, someone asked him: "How
did the hunt go?"

  "Marvelously."

  "How many bears did you see?"

  "None."

  "How could it have gone marvelously, then?"

  "When you are hunting bears, and when you are me, seeing no bears
at all is a marvelous experience."
==========
Date:         Sun, 11 Jul 1993 20:02:03 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Poly-linguistic humor <mist=dung>

This humor is forwarded from one of the really great humor list
EUNET.JOKES We have over 200 international (non-USA) subscribers to this
list; I hope USA members will encourage internationals to join in
posting their humor.

FYI: NUTWORKS is no longer available from a listserv. It is still
available as a USENET group REC.HUMOR.FUNNY.

From: Sytse Kuijk <sytse@primis.vub.ac.be> Date: 11 Jun 93 08:52:00 GMT
Organization: Vrije Universiteit Brussel

In article <C8F62K.Lvt@world.std.com> Roger A Williams,
rogerw@world.std.com writes:

>And of course there was the US appliance manufacturer who tried
>marketing their hair-styling iron, the "Mist Stick", in Germany (with
>predictably dismal results).

And in Uruguay the Mitsubishi "Pajero" is not even imported... (hey,
where's the Uruguayan dictionnary?)

---

From: I.A.Inman@newcastle.ac.uk (I.A. Inman) Organization: University of
Newcastle upon Tyne, UK, NE1 7RU Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1993 08:46:52 GMT

reb1@ukc.ac.uk (R.E.Benfield) writes:

>In article <1993Jun10.135537@hlrz16.hlrz.kfa-juelich.de>
boyd@hlrz16.hlrz.kfa-j uelich.de (Boyd) writes:
>>Remember to wipe your shoes after walking through the early morning
>>mist in some of the Bavarian valleys!

>The British luxury car maker Rolls-Royce fell for this one, apparently.
>Their models all have names like Silver Spirit, Silver Shadow, Silver
>Ghost, etc. Sales of the Silver Mist model in Germany were inexplicably
>low, and it took them a long time to work out why....

>There is supposed to be a soft drink in Spain called Psschitt! or
>something similar - named after the sound it makes when you open the
>can. It isn't marketed in English-speaking countries.

>Robert

Some computer related ones:

Italy:'Sega' - Word rhyming with 'Banker'. France:'Pet'(as in Commodore
Pet) - Soft Sqiggy Cheese. Germany:'Pet' - Fart. 'Vic' (as in Vic-20) -
Similar to a word when translated to English rhymes with 'luck'.

There was also a problem with a game called 'Zub'. The name had to be
changed from 'Zob', cause I believe this means something in French
speaking countries.

Anyone who has lived in a poly linguistic situation knows the perils of
language.
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 09:02:14 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL Part#1 (Computer Humor,
PG)

Hi, Folks!

Finally in our discussion with operator of the conference I
solved the question about LONG postings and series. I can post
the series, but I should divide it into parts, because
conference will not accept letters more than 100 lines (including
headers, I believe). So, here is "Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL"
series. (By the way,I've got about 35-40 requests for this series already.
Thanx everybody and ENJOY!!!)
=======
Subject: Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL. Part#1
Lines: 85
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: G

Note 3.43                        Computer Humor                         43 of 65
CCSU::PELLETIER                                     459 lines   6-OCT-1992 12:28
                   -< Real Men Don't Use Pascal (an oldie) >-
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/Gateways/Usenet/alt/folklore/computers/Real men don't use Pascal
16115.3.3245.1 Real men don't use Pascal
9/28/92 21:23 448/23k logier@cheops.qld.tne.oz.au (Rob Logie)
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                     Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL

                                  Ed Post
                         Graphic Software Systems
                               P.O. Box 673
                            25117 S.W. Parkway
                           Wilsonville, OR 97070
                            Copyright (c) 1982
 (decvax | ucbvax | cbosg | pur-ee | lbl-unix)!teklabs!ogcvax!gss1144!evp

     Back in the good old days -- the "Golden Era"  of  computers,  it  was
easy  to  separate  the  men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men" and
"Quiche Eaters" in the literature). During this period, the Real  Men  were
the  ones  that understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were
the ones that didn't. A real computer programmer said things  like  "DO  10
I=1,10"   and   "ABEND"   (they actually talked  in  capital  letters,  you
understand), and the rest of the world said things like "computers are  too
complicated   for   me"  and  "I  can't relate to computers --  they're  so
impersonal".  (A  previous  work  [1] points  out  that  Real   Men   don't
"relate"  to anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.)

     But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world in  which
little  old  ladies  can get computerized microwave ovens, 12 year old kids
can blow Real Men out of the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and  any-
one  can buy and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The Real
Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of  being  replaced  by  high-
school students with TRASH-80s!

     There is a clear need to point out the differences between the typical
high-school  junior  Pac-Man  player  and  a Real Programmer. Understanding
these differences will give these kids something to aspire  to  --  a  role
model,  a Father Figure. It will also help employers of Real Programmers to
realize why it would be a mistake to replace the Real Programmers on  their
staff with 12 year old Pac-Man players (at a considerable salary savings).

1.  LANGUAGES
-------------

     The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the  crowd  is  by  the
programming  language  he  (or  she)  uses.  Real  Programmers use
FORTRAN.
Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, was 
once
asked,  "How  do you pronounce your name?". He replied "You can either call
me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or call me by value, 'Worth'." One  can
tell  immediately  from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater.
The only parameter passing mechanism endorsed by Real Programmers is  call-
by-value-return,  as  implemented in the IBM/370 FORTRAN G and H
compilers.
Real programmers don't need abstract concepts to get their jobs done:  they
are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV compiler, and a beer.

*    Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.

*    Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.

*    Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.

*    Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN.

If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you can't  do
it in assembly language, it isn't worth doing.
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 10:31:45 -0500
From:         DEATH ANGEL <RER7691@TNTECH.EDU>
Subject:      Politically Incorrect

I am looking forward with great anticipation to the new show premiering on
Comedy Central, "Politcally Incorrect" hosted by Bill Maher. Here are a few
excerpts from the previews:

"So, now that we have a President from Arkansas, I'm wondering how long it
will
be before Air Force One is up on blocks in the White House Lawn..."

"What does it say to you about a country when we elect the thin Elvis to a
stamp, and the fat Elvis to the Presidency?"

"Magic Johnson has been in the news lately, which is kind of ironic now the he
had AIDS, proving once and for all that he did not HAVE a magic johnson....
Of
course, most men don't have a decade of groupie threesomes in their past. And
don't I regret it."

"After all these years, it turns out the truck bomb that blew up a GI Camp in
Lebanon was not Lebanese terrorists, but actually some NBC guys in a GM
pickup..."

Ooooh yes.... this show should be fun....

Rob
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 13:07:12 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      More pearly gates jokes

This one comes to me courtesy of Henry J. Spille, executive director of
American Council on Education, who broke the ice at one of our meetings
with this.

Here is a man who built a business empire from the ground up and now is
president and CEO of the whole shootin' match. He only talks to the man
at the top when doing business! When he does business with Wal-Mart, he
won't
talk to some toady VP--he does business directly with Sam Walton. When he
deals with IBM, no flunky director of marketing for him--he has to talk
personally with Ross Perot.

So naturally, when he passes away and goes to the pearly gates, he won't
talk to St. Peter. He has to talk to the Big Guy Himself. St. Peter is
annoyed, but goes and gets God anyway. (St. Peter whispers in God's ear,
"This is the guy I've been telling you about--I've been watching him down
on earth, and he's a real skinflint. Cheapest SOB I've ever observed!"
God says, "Yes, I know, remember? I know everything.") God says to the man,
"Why do you think you belong in heaven?" Our hero talks about the massive
empire he's built up and the astounding wealth and all that, and God says,
"Yes, but what have you done for others? Like...oh, say, did you ever donate
to charitable causes?"
   "Why yes," the man says, "once I put a dollar in the collection plate at
church...oh yes, and once I gave a dollar to a panhandler on the street....
um, and yes, I remember now, I spent a dollar on a fund-raiser candy bar for
my secretary's daughter's band uniforms." And there was a pause, and God
says, "That's it?" The man replied that yes, that was all. God turns to St.
Peter and says, "What do you think, Peter?" And St. Peter replies, "I think
we ought to give him his three bucks back and tell him to go to hell!"


Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
"It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone lingerie."
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 15:04:57 EDT
From:         Ken Phifer <kphifer@CAP.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Re: HUMOR Digest - 10 Jul 1993 to 11 Jul 1993

how do you go to read a specific item in the digest list? thanks.
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 15:18:01 EDT
From:         Dan Brill <DBRILL@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      deep thoughts

One of my favorite bits on Saturday Night Live is Jack Handy's
"Deep Thoughts" segment.  I think the world needs more of this,
and subscribers to the humor line are just the group to add to this
body of philosophy.

Of all the instruments in the orchestra, I think the trombone would be the
hardest to play.  I also think it would be one of the more difficult to
swallow.

Some say this is the age of relativism.  Maybe that's true for them, but
it isn't true for me.


Just a little to get you started.  Get to work gang.

Dan Brill
dbrill@uga.cc.uga.edu
Peace :-)
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 15:08:53 CDT
From:         "Kevan L. Moore" <moore@TEKELEC.COM>
Subject:      deep thoughts

Dan Brill writes:

/One of my favorite bits on Saturday Night Live is Jack Handy's
/"Deep Thoughts" segment.  I think the world needs more of this,
/
/Of all the instruments in the orchestra, I think the trombone would be the
/hardest to play.  I also think it would be one of the more difficult to
/swallow.
/
/Some say this is the age of relativism.  Maybe that's true for them, but
/it isn't true for me.
/

one from WINGS (the tv show):

If man had evolved from kangaroos instead of from gorillas,
would we still need pouches?

one of my own:

There seems to be no way to blow over a hamburger so that it
toots like a coke bottle.

klm
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 16:32:31 EST
From:         Dani Mudge <DANI@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Happy Birthday Uncle Miltie <mild>

(Uncle Miltie, Milton Berle, turned 85 today.  Here is some recent
Berle humor).

My new wife, Lorna (51), and I have sex almost every night...
Almost Monday, almost Tuesday." :)

I feel terrific.  George Burns is 97 and Bob Hope is 90.  I'm just
a kid of 85.

I may be 85, but I feel like a 20-year-old.  Trouble is, there's
never one around.

My wife and I made love about three or four months ago.  It lasted
an hour and three minutes.  Later I found out it was the night they
changed to daylight-saving time.

(In comedy circles, Berle, has a reputation as a joke-stealer.  Ed
Wynn gave Berle the title of "Thief of Badgags.")

The other night I was listening to this new comedian's act. I
laughed so hard at his jokes that I dropped my pencil.

Don't trust the advice of a man in trouble.

A woman's place is in the home, and she should go there right from
work.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.  But who
wants a lot of flies?

A woman's word is never done.

Getting into hot water keeps you clean.

Caution is when you're scared.  Cowardice is when the other guy is
scared.

People who have a baby can't sleep like one.

Two can live as cheaply as one.  But not as long.

A cynic is one who looks down on those above him.
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 16:35:25 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Math jokes

A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are
supposed to be in a room but 5 came out, 2 have to go in so the
room gets empty...

Why can't a computer scientist tell Halloween from Christmas?
Because oct(31)=dec(25).


==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 19:17:42 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Poly-linguistic humor  <adult language>

From: sprooney@unix1.tcd.ie (Simon Rooney)
Organization: Trinity College, Dublin
Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1993 13:16:34 GMT

The drink "Irish Mist" never really made it in Germany... esp with
it's dark brown colour and all. (Mist in german meaning shit or
dung)

---

Date: Mon, 14 Jun 93 07:14:01 GMT
Organization: ESTEC/YCV, Noordwijk, The Netherlands

Reminds me of:

1. Vauxhall (oe General Motors UK) were unable to market their new
'Nova' model in Spain. 'Nova' means "doesn't go" in Spanish. The
same model is called the 'Corsa' outside the UK.

2. The slogan 'Nothing sucks like an Electrolux' resulted in
incredibly  poor sales of vacuum cleaners in the US.

3. There used to be a Coke/Pepsi slogan along the lines of 'Adds
Life'. Unfortunately, when translated into Korean (?) the same
words in a related dialect were more accurately rendered as 'Brings
you back from the dead' and in an area of ancestor worship this was
dubious.

I've always wondered whether the last one is really one of those
urbane legends that people keep talking about :-)

---

From: mbgapdk@uts.mcc.ac.uk (Dr. D. Kidger)
Organization: Manchester Computing Centre, Manchester, England
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1993 16:02:11 GMT

The UK Electronics Company GPT have trouble with sales in France.
(GPT = Je Pete = I've farted)
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 20:29:02 EDT
From:         Tom Murray <F144@FERRIS.BITNET>
Subject:      nun joke (sexual content)

I found this at work today thought you guys might get a chuckle
out of it.

                   Bus Driver Nightmare

    A nun gets on the bus and sits behind the driver.  She says to
the driver, that she needs someone to talk to.  She lives in a convent
and wants to experience sex before she dies.  The bus driver agrees
that everyone should have that experience before they die.  But the
nun explains she can't have sex with anyone who is married, because
that would be a sin.  The bus driver says no problem because he's not
married.  The nun also has to die a virgin, so she'll have to take it
up the ass!  The bus driver agrees again and being the only people on
the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business.
When they were done and he had resumed driving, the bus driver said,
"sister, I have a confession to make.  I'm married and have three
kids."  The nun replies, that, "that's okay.  I have a confession too.
I'm on my way to a costume party and my name is Bruce!"

If you like the joke reply to:   If you didn't like it reply to:
Tom Murray==>F144@Ferris.Bitnet  The Devil==>Hell@T.Center.of.t.earth
Ferris State University
911 Olaf
Big Rapids MI 49307
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 19:31:43 -0500
From:         DEATH ANGEL <RER7691@TNTECH.EDU>
Subject:      Re: deep thoughts

>Just a little to get you started.  Get to work gang.
>
>Dan Brill
>dbrill@uga.cc.uga.edu
>Peace :-)

Ok, here's one for ya...

I think a fun thing to do if you were God would be to blow people up. No
special reason, just KA-PLOOOIE! Because hey, isn't that funny?

==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 00:51:47 EDT
From:         Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject:      PG13 Parrot Story (language)

My best friend was a long term bachelor set in his ways. One of
his favorite things in this world was his parrot. He cared for
this parrot as if it was his own child. One thing that he had
taught to the parrot, was for the parrot to squawk "LET'S FUCK."
The parrot would do this when ever he brought a girl home. He
thought it would impress the ladies.

Then he met Charity and fell head over heels in love. There was
only one slight problem, Charity was devoutly religious. Strong
language embarrassed her immensely. She would blush deeply just
at some one saying "DARN", let alone FUCK. My friend knew that
she would never tolerate his parrot and would insist that he get
rid of the bird. So he told Charity's minister of his problem.

Charity's minister being a worldly sort of guy, immediately
suggested a solution. He had a parrot that kept repeating "LET US
PRAY." The two birds would be put together in the same cage and
hopefully the devout parrot would teach my friend's parrot the
proper thing to say.

At the appointed time, the parrots were placed in the cage
together. At first all they did was squawk and flap around the
cage. Then in it's loudest squawk, my friends parrot said "LET'S
FUCK!!"  Then ministers parrot replied "JUST WHAT I HAVE BEEN
PRAYING FOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!." My friend stayed a bachelor.
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 13:14:07 IST
From:         John Bastian/Johnny <johnny@ITIBANG.ERNET.IN>
Subject:      Nun jokes

Here are some "Nun jokes" from a list I have:

 1. Q: What kind of fun does a priest have?
    A: None.

 2. Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups???
    A: Tell her she's pregnant!!!

 3. Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
    A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

 4. Q: What is the definition of innocence?
    A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping
       bags for mice.

 5. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
    A: A roaming catholic.

 6. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
    A: A tran-sister.

 7. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
    A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

 8.Q: What's black and white and red and has trouble getting
      through a revolving door?
   A: A nun with a spear through her head!
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 11:09:34 +0200
From:         Joerg Findeisen CEDAR <find@PAN.CEDAR.UNIVIE.AC.AT>
Subject:      another Poly-linguistic humor PG

Some time ago there were a lot of advertisements for a perfume called
"Lulu"
in Austria.

Unforunately, "lulu" means both, urine and urinate.
Quite delicate for something supposed to be a perfume, no ?  ;-)

(Lulu is a French girl's name)
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 09:11:50 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL Part#2 (Computer Humor
PG)

Subject: Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL. Part#2
Lines: 84
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG


2.  STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING
--------------------------
     Computer science academicians have gotten into  the  "structured  pro-
gramming"  rut  over  the  past several years. They claim that programs are
more easily understood if the programmer uses some  special  language  con-
structs  and  techniques. They don't all agree on exactly which constructs,
of course, and the examples they use to show their particular point of view
invariably  fit  on  a  single  page  of some obscure journal or another --
clearly not enough of an example to convince anyone.  When  I  got  out  of
school,  I thought I was the best programmer in the world. I could write an
unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use five different computer languages,  and
create  1000  line programs that WORKED.  (Really!) Then I got out into the
Real World. My first task in the Real World was to read  and  understand  a
200,000 line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor of two. Any Real
Programmer will tell you that all the Structured Coding in the world  won't
help  you  solve  a problem like that -- it takes actual talent. Some quick
observations on Real Programmers and Structured Programming:

*    Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTOs.

*    Real Programmers can write five page long  DO  loops  without  getting
     confused.

*    Real Programmers enjoy Arithmetic IF statements because they make  the
     code more interesting.

*    Real Programmers write self-modifying code,  especially  if  it  saves
     them 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.

*    Real Programmers don't need comments: the code is obvious.

*    Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ... UNTIL, or 
CASE
     statement,  Real Programmers don't have to worry about not using them.
     Besides, they can be simulated when necessary using assigned GOTOs.


     Data structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. Abstract  Data
Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and Strings have become popular in cer-
tain circles. Wirth (the above-mentioned Quiche Eater)  actually  wrote  an
entire  book  [2]  contending  that you could write a program based on data
structures, instead of the other way around. As all Real Programmers  know,
the  only  useful  data structure is the array. Strings, lists, structures,

sets  -- these are all special cases of arrays and and can e treated   that
way  just  as  easily without messing up your programing language with  all
sorts of complications. The worst thing about fancy data types is that  you
have to  declare  them,  and  Real  Programming  Languages, as we all know,
have  implicit  typing based on the first letter of  the  (six   character)
variable
name.


3.  OPERATING SYSTEMS
---------------------

     What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer?  CP/M? God
forbid  -- CP/M, after all, is basically a toy operating system.  Even lit-
tle old ladies and grade school students can understand and use CP/M.

     Unix is a lot more complicated of course -- the  typical  Unix  hacker
never  can  remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- but
when
it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People  don't  do
Serious  Work  on  Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on
USENET
and write adventure games and research papers.

     No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer can  find  and
understand  the  description  of  the  IJK305I error he just got in his JCL
manual.  A great programmer can write JCL without referring to  the  manual
at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs buried in a 6 megabyte
core dump without using a hex calculator. (I have actually seen this done.)

     OS/370 is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possible  to  des-
troy  days  of work with a single misplaced space, so alertness in the pro-
gramming staff is encouraged. The  best  way  to  approach  the  system  is
through  a keypunch.  Some people claim there is a Time Sharing system that
runs on OS/370, but after careful study I have come to the conclusion  that
they are mistaken.
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 09:48:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      Micro was a real-time operator

Subject: Micro was a real-time operator
Lines: 50
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG-13  (mild innuendo)

    Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user.
    His broadband protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous
input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
    One evening, he arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He parked his
Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the local bus that morning)
when he noticed an elegant piece of software admiring the daisy wheels in his
garden.  He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly.  I'll see if she'd
like an update, tonight."
    He strolled up to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32-bit
floating point processors, and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?"
"Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly.
    Her name was Mini, and she was nicely engineered, with eyes like COBOL,
and a Prime mainframe architecture that got Micro's peripherals networking.
    As she ran her console over her curve-linear functions, Micro dedicated
himself to a straight-line approximation:  "I'm stand-alone tonight.  How
about computing a vector up to my base address and I'll output a byte to eat."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 microseconds, then transmitted, "0K.  I've
been dumped recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks.
I'll park my machine cycle in your background, and meet you inside."
    She walked off, leaving Micro staring at her solenoids and thinking,
"Wow, what a global variable.  I wonder if she'll like my firmware?
    They sat down at his process table to a priority-one feed of fiche and
chips, and a magnum of baudot.  Mini was in conversational mode, and
expanded
on ambiguous arguments, while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements,
(although he was really analysing the shortest and least critical path to her
entry port.)
    He finally decided on the old "would you like to see my benchmark?"
sub-routine, but Mini was one jobstep ahead of him again!  Suddenly she was
up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her
operating system software.
    "Let's get BASIC, you RAM," she said."
    Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had a
processor of its own, and was in danger of overflowing its buffer.  (This was
a hangup he had consulted his analyst about.)  "Cora," was all he could say.
    He soon recovered, however, when Mini went on the DEC and opened her
device files to reveal her dataset ready.  Micro accessed his fully packed
root device, and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when
Mini attempted to initiate an escape sequence:
    "ABEND," she cried, "you're not shielded!"
    "Reset, baby, I've been debugged." he replied.
    "But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processing," she protested.
    "Don't runaway," he said, "I'll generate an interrupt."
    "No, that's too error prone.  And I can't abort because of my design
philosophy," she countered.
    Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be shut down.
Mini found the error in her subroutine, and soon stopped his GIGO by booting
his system, whereupon he went down with a headcrash, and passed out.
    "Operators," she sighed as she compiled herself, "All they ever think
about is HEX."
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 09:50:55 EST
From:         Peter Greenberg <AISPG@CUVMC.BITNET>
Subject:      TRUE Parrot Joke (non offensive)

A close friend had a dog named Tina and a parrot named Petey when he was
growing up.  Tina the dog would bark wildly whenever someone rang the
doorbell and members of the household would scream for Tina to shut up.
Petey the parrot has now out-lived poor Tina by ten years, but to this
day when you ring my friends doorbell, Petey the Parrot shouts out,
"Shut up, Tina!"

Peter Greenberg (no relation to Petey)
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 10:34:46 -0400
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
TKENNETTE@BENTLEY.EDU
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      Add this to your dictionary

Frisbeetarianism, n.:

        The belief that when you die, Your soul goes up on
        the roof and gets stuck.

==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 10:43:50 CDT
From:         BK Rogers <bkr@PPCO.COM>
Subject:      Bumber Sticker

Saw this on a truck today while driving to work...

THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN
   TO TAKE A LEAK
Fugate Radiator Service


 BK Rogers                  Phillips Petroleum Company
 (918) 661-1986             Bartlesville, OK  74004
 Internet bkr@ppco.com      Compuserv 75140,2366

Another fine product from Gizmonic....
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 09:51:37 -0600
From:         "Computer Center Ext. 6839" <DION@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      One bad word

A friend of mine told me this.  (His mom, grandma, and uncles have a glass
business).

He told that a sales person came into the the business and sold his mom and
grandma a deal that they would print there logo on ice-scrapers real cheap.
They then could give the ice-scrapers free to cutosmers to advertise.  Anyway,
I guess it was a good deal and they purchased the ice-scrapers with the logo.

Well, when the order came in this is what the ice-scraper said:

                        Morgan and Sons Glass
                          The Best Piece of
                            Glass in Town

================
Dion Medina              | Work Phone: (719) 384-6839      | I spilled spot
Otero Junior College     | Home Phone: (719) 384-5724      | remover on my
dog
Student Systems Operator |   DECnet: OJC::DION             | & now he's gone.
Student Programmer       | Internet: dion@ojc.colorado.edu |    --Steven Wright
================
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 13:12:02 -0400
From:         Ron Wallman <rkw@OKC-UNIX.AF.MIL>
Subject:      Bumber Sticker (PG13)

Saw this yesterday on a good old boy's truck;

         STUD
Free sample upon Request


Cheers.....
Ron
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 13:32:23 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Lightbulb joke

Q: How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Eleven.  One to say that it is an ex-bulb and it is no more.  Another
   to claim that it's resting.  One to put a paper bag on his head at the
   mention of the word lightbulb.  Another to say that he didn't expect
   the Spanish Inquisition.  Three to burst in and say that their main
   weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless electricity.  Another to have
   his head nailed to the lightbulb.  Finally, one to do a silly walk,
   one to say "And now for something completely different...", and one
   to change the bulb.
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 12:51:31 CDT
From:         Don Wozniak <DFW@UWWVM.UWW.EDU>

Q: How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Eleven.  One to say that it is an ex-bulb and it is no more.  Another
   to claim that it's resting.  One to put a paper bag on his head at the
   mention of the word lightbulb.  Another to say that he didn't expect
   the Spanish Inquisition.  Three to burst in and say that their main
   weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless electricity.  Another to have
   his head nailed to the lightbulb.  Finally, one to do a silly walk,
   one to say "And now for something completely different...", and one
   to change the bulb.

Amy, you forgot the one who came for the argument, the one who just
contradicted, and the one who came in for "being hit on the head with
a light bulb" lessons.

Don Wozniak
dfw@uwwvm.uww.edu
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 19:06:36 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      lightbulb

q: How many Englishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
a: Two; one to change the bulb, and the other to look down on him.

........................................................................
"But apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 15:59:01 CDT
From:         "Kevan L. Moore" <moore@TEKELEC.COM>
Subject:      another deep thought

I find it depressing to think that a tapeworm will never see a sunset.


klm
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 17:09:42 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      LIGHTBULB JOKE (G)

Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Fish

Matt
mpj@kepler.unh.edu
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 16:34:59 -0400
From:         Ian Alderman <LANOU@ITHACA.BITNET>
Subject:      Missed intention ad

My mother told me recently about an ad from the 50's on a fill-up station
and restaurant:

     "EAT HERE AND GET GAS"
*)
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 16:15:37 -0400
From:         Ian Alderman <LANOU@ITHACA.BITNET>
Subject:      Poly-linguistic marketing failure G

And then there was the failure of the Chevy Nova in Spanish speaking
countries:  "no va" translates as "doesn't go".  I wouldn't buy one either.
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 17:32:15 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Light bulb jokes redux

Must add my two cents to the lightbulb fray. The way I heard the surrealists
one was:

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (Two, one to
screw it in and another to decorate the bathtub with brightly colored plastic
giraffes)

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (Two. The hard part is
getting them inside the lightbulb.)

One day I was ruminating about where old jokes came from, who actually
writes
these things, and I tried to write my own joke. The result was this:

How many Chicago Cubs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (None. In
Wrigley
Field there are no lightbulbs.) Of course, I cannot tell this joke any more.

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
Charter member, Maryland Grammar Police
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 18:23:09 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      It was a blanket fight <Mulla Nasrudin>

THE BLANKET FIGHT

  Nasrudin and his wife woke one night to hear tow men fighting
below their window.  She sent the Mulla out to find out what the
trouble was.  He wrapped his blanket over his shoulders and went
downstairs.  As soon as he approached the men, one of them snatched
Nasrudin's one and only blanket.  Then they both ran off.

  "What was the fight about, dear?" his wife asked as he entered
the bedroom.

  "About my blanket, apparently.  As soon as they got that, they
went away."
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 09:56:12 IST
From:         John Bastian/Johnny <johnny@ITIBANG.ERNET.IN>
Subject:      Nun Jokes - Grumpy <adult>

 The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
 After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope.  Grumpy, for once,
 seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about
 the church, and in particular, nuns.
        "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
        "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
        "Are you sure?  I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
         about my height?  Maybe a little shorter?"
        "I'm afraid not.  Why do you ask?"
        "No reason."  Pause.  "Positive?  Nobody in a habit that's about
         three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
        "I'm sure."
        "Okay."
 Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
 So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
        "What'd he say?  What'd he say?"  chant the other six dwarfs.
        Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
        And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin!  Grumpy
        fucked a penguin!  Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 09:08:06 CET
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
sfar0993@POP.STUD.FAR.RUU.NL
From:         "A.G. Peppelman" <A.G.Peppelman@STUD.FAR.RUU.NL>
Subject:      Lightbulb joke

Q How many superheroes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A Three. One to change into a stairs, one to change the bulb and one to save
the universe at that time.
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 08:58:57 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      "Beat It" Parody

Sung to the tune of Michael Jackson's "Beat It"

    You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
    Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
    The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
    Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.

    Better think fast, better do what you can,
    Read the manual or call your system man,
    Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,
    So BOOT IT,

    Get the system manager to
    BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
    Even though you'd rather shoot it.
    Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
    All that you do is flip a little switch.
    BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
    Get right down and restitute it.
    Don't get excited, all is not lost.
    CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS
    Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...

    You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
    The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
    Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,
    BOOT IT.

    You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
    And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low,
    But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
    So BOOT IT,

    Call the local guru to
    BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
    Go ahead re-institute it.
    If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
    But if you are, it'll do it itself.
    BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
    Then go find the guy who screwed it!
    Operating systems are built to bounce back,
    Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.

    BOOT IT!     BOOT IT!
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 10:41:59 EDT
From:         Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject:      Difference Joke (Pg 13 - sexual)

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is when you use a feather.
Kinky is when the whole chicken is used!!
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 09:56:57 CDT
From:         "Scott P. Muir" <SMUIR@UA1VM.BITNET>
Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Subject:      Light bulb joke

Q: How many of Atlanta's heterosexual waiters does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. Both of them.
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 16:24:47 BST
From:         Mr Hugh Armour <ha1@STIRLING.AC.UK>
Subject:      Two Jokes (sexual content - PG)

A couple of jokes told in the staff room this afternoon:

Patient: Doctor, Doctor - I keep having an orgasm every time I sneeze.
Doctor : What are you taking for it?
Patient: Snuff.

Q: Whats worse than a bull in a china shop?
A: A hedgehog/porcupine in a condom factory.

==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 11:40:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      english language lament - rated g

i wrote this one YEARS ago!


A Lament to the State of the English Language
    (with apologies to The 5th Dimension)

(to the tune of 'The Age of Aquarius')
When the verb is in the present tense,
And adjectives align with nouns,
Then we will speak the English language
And not sound like a bunch of clowns!

(CHORUS)
The words we'll use now, will be
Ones like gregarious
Ones like nefarious
Hilarious!

No more poor enunciation.
Split infinitives are frowned upon.
Dipthongs are pronounced so clearly.
Idioms state much more nearly,
And our phrases are all merely
What we want to say
Day by day.

With the dictionary by our side,
And lessons learned in grammar school,
Nonsequiturs will be abhorrent!
And make their users sound like fools!

(CHORUS)
The words we'll use now, will be
Ones like prevaricate.
Ones like re-formulate.
Matriculate!

Change:
(to the tune of 'Let the Sun Shine In')
I will speak well!
You will speak well!
We'll all speak well!
(REPEAT AND FADE)
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 09:40:38 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      JOKES

Do you know who the biggest money winner in golf is right now?
--Anyone playing against Michael Jordan.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where do you get virgin wool?
--Ugly sheep

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did Spock find in the bathroom of the Enterprise?
--The captain's log.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
--They both circle uranus looking for Klingons.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the Captain Kirk Virus -  It boldly goes where no virus has gone
before, then falls in love with your PC, which promptly dies.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pap Smear - Fatherhood test
Postoperative - Letter Carrier
Prostrate - flat on your back
Recovery Room - place to do upholstery
Seizure - Roman emperor

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
BUMPERSTICKERS:

Some women are born great.
Some women achieve greatness.
And some women have greatness thrust into them.

Grass, gas, or ass - nobody rides for free.

Thank you for helping, may I hold you.

I like snatching kisses, and vice versa.

Virginity is like a balloon.  One prick and it's gone.
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 12:00:40 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      THOUGHTS

YOU DRIVE ON A PARKWAY, YOU PARK IN A DRIVEWAY.

ENGLISH IS A CRAZY LANGUAGE
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 12:14:59 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Suicidal dog; rated g

My friend Frank once went to visit his old high school buddy Paul in
New York. Paul is only 36 but he is a fabulously successful dermatologist
and has a spiffy Manhattan office and lives in a great condo on the upper
West Side.

So Frank gets to the high-rise, Paul buzzes him in and he goes all the
way up to the 47th floor! Paul greets him at the door and invites him
to relax. Paul is still bust decanting the wine and putting the finishing
touches on dinner, so he says to Frank,"While I'm in the kitchen you
can play with Biffie. She's really an intelligent dog." And Frank looks down
and sees this {small nervous dog, fill in your preferred breed} with a
Nerf ball in her mouth. She wants to play catch, so Frank bounces the
ball once on the parquet floor...Biffie immediately runs the ball down and
brings it back to Frank! What a cute dog! Frank says to himself, heh heh,
this is fun, and tries it again. He bounces it a little harder, it rolls
over to the other side of the room, and again the dog runs it down and
brings it back. Frank bounces it a little too hard the third time and it
bounces RIGHT OUT the open jalousie doors and over the balcony rail. Biffie,
being the well-trained dog she is, goes right after it, and....well, you
know. >>splat!<<

Frank is panicked. (In common-day parlance I would say, Frank is like, oh
shit!) What is he going to do? What is Paul going to say when he sees the dog
is dead? Hurry up, Frank, gotta think fast!

Paul comes out of the kitchen intending to announce that dinner is ready,
and immediately notices the dog is missing. "Where'd the dog go?" he queries.

"Uh, well," Frank stammers, "uh...well....you know, old friend, I couldn't
help noticing when I came in, your dog looked really DEPRESSED...."

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
Disclaimer: The joke is fictional but Frank and Paul are real people. The names
have NOT been changed to protect the innocent.
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 11:22:16 -0500
From:         Brad Pardee <bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU>
Subject:      crazy language

Have you ever noticed that parents want their kids
to sit down and to sit up at the same time?

==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 12:51:59 EDT
From:         Paul Worth <pworth@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: crazy language

And why is it that women wear a PAIR of panties and A bra?
                                ^^^^                ^
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 13:05:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      define the following:  lagoon

a french idiot
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 13:07:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      definition.   (rated R for language)

what does PMS stand for?


Putting up with Men's Shit
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 14:19:20 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      The C Bible

Glenn & I wrote this years ago.


                                        The
                                         C
                                Programming Language

                       Brian W. Kernighan o Dennis M. Ritchie

                                a.k.a. "The C Bible"
              As revealed to the prophets Ian Chai and Glenn Chappell

Genesis
Chapter 0
0       In the Beginning Ritchie created the PDP-11 and the UNIX.
1       And the UNIX was without form and void; and darkness was upon the
face of the system programmers.
2       And Ritchie said, "Let there be portability!" And nothing happened,
so Ritchie realized that he had his work cut out for him.
                                        .
                                        .
                                        .
25      And Ritchie said to Kernighan, "Let us make C in the image of B,
after our own whims: and let it have dominion over the I and the O
and all that runneth upon the UNIX," and it was almost, but not quite
so... so he realized that he had his work cut out for him again.
                                        .
                                        .
                                        .
Chapter 1
0       Thus the PDP-11 and the UNIX were finished, and all the programs in
them.
1       And on the seventh shift Ritchie ended his work which he had made;
and he would have rested on the seventh shift from all the work which
he had made, if it weren't for the system crash.
                                        .
                                        .
                                        .
Chapter 2
0       Now the COBOL was more verbose than any language of the PDP-11,
and
he said unto the programmer, "Yea, hath the Manual said, 'Ye shalt
not read of every device of the network?'"
1       And the programmer said unto the COBOL, "We may read of every
device of the network:
2       But of the registers of the printer in the midst of the network,
the Manual hath said, 'Ye shall not read of it, neither shall ye
write to it without proper protocol, lest ye cause a system crash.'"
3       And the COBOL said unto the programmer, "Ye shalt not surely crash
the system:
4       For Ritchie doth know that in the time slice ye read thereof, then
your I/O shall be opened, and ye shalt be as system operators,
accessing locked accounts with unlimited privileges."
5       And then when the programmer saw that the printer was good for
interfacing, and that it was pleasant to the I (and to the O),...
6       And they realized they were unstructured, so they patched RATFOR
subroutines...
                                        .
                                        .
                                        .
The Gospel
0       And the Messiah shalt come, born a mere B but to grow up into the
Saviour C,
1       Wherein true structured programming may be achieved, yea, verily,
yet while being able to do bit shifting.
2       For although the Law (Pascal) hath been given, the Law cannot
  for (i=0; str1[i]!='\0'; i++) str2[i] = (str1[i]>='A' &&
str1[i]>='Z')? str1[i]+32 : str1[i];
but must
        i := 0;
        while (i <= length(str1)) do
          begin
          if str1[i] in ['A'..'Z'] then
            str2[i] := chr( ord(str1[i]) + 32))
          else
            str1[i] := str2[i];
          i := i + 1;
          end;

The Revelation
0       Yea, in those last days, the Saviour shalt come again, but
enhanced, in the rainment of C++
1       And then shalt the Beast, FORTRAN, and the AntiC, COBOL, be thrown
into the trash HEAP where there is weeping and byting of pins.
2 And all the faithful programmers shalt be led into CRAY where
billions of MIPS are at each one's fingertips.
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 14:31:26 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Hydrogen Bomb (in German)

Frage:  Wie sagt man "Hydrogen Bomb" auf Deutsch?
Antwort: Eargesplittenlautenboombermitgrossemholeingrundmitalleskaput!

Translation:  Question:  How do you say Hydrogen Bomb in German?
              Answer: Eargesplittenl...................................

==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 15:26:20 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      more German

Haha! That German joke reminded me of one conversation we had at the
German
coffee hour:

        Stephan said that his wife's sister was getting married, and
        had made a 3-tier wedding cake. Except he said, "drei-tier
        Heiratkuche."

        ... so I drew die Bremer Stadtmusikanten 8-)

Notes for those who don't know German:
        "tier" is German for "animal"
        Die Bremer Stadtmusikanten are the 3 animals from that old German
        fairy tale who became musicians.

Alles Gute
        Ian
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 20:16:45 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Another "Germlish" definition

A certain P.J., a subscriber to HUMOR, wrote to me saying that she enjoyed
my posting earlier today offering the German for Hydrogen Bomb.  I responded
by sending her another bit of Germlish, offering her all rights and privileges
germane to posting it on the HUMOR list, and daring her to do so.  She
declined
and returned the dare, soooooo, P.J., here 'tis:  Q: How do you say "brassiere"
in German?  A: Holdsemfrompoppinout!

==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 22:01:21 EDT
From:         Tom Murray <F144@FERRIS.BITNET>
Subject:      sick but true (gallow's Humor)

    Some of you have heard about Davy Allison (sp?) the race
car driver who died in a helicopter crash a couple of days ago.
    The funny thing is that everybody is mourning his death now
but if he had died in a car crash while "working" no one would
have given it a second thought.
    Ain't life grand?  No pun intended!

Tom Murray==>F144@Ferris.Bitnet
Ferris State University
Big Rapids  MI  49307
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 11:50:00 GMT
Comments:     <Parser> W: TO field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
Comments:     <Parser> W: TO field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
Comments:     <Parser> W: TO field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
Comments:     <Parser> W: TO field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
Comments:     <Parser> W: TO field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
From:         Terri Tobias <TOBIAST%A1%MSA@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject:      Another "Germlish" definition

Q: How do you say "brassiere" in German?  A: Holdsemfrompoppinout!
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 08:03:24 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <mthompso@NALUSDA.GOV>
Subject:      Re: Another "Germlish" definition

Ah, yes, and another translation for brassiere!  Answer:  Gefloppenstoppenzer.

Auf Wiederlesen!
          ^^^^^
met

On Wed, 14 Jul 1993, Les Pourciau at Memphis State wrote:

> A certain P.J., a subscriber to HUMOR, wrote to me saying that she enjoyed
> my posting earlier today offering the German for Hydrogen Bomb.  I
responded
> by sending her another bit of Germlish, offering her all rights and privileges
> germane to posting it on the HUMOR list, and daring her to do so.
She  declined
> and returned the dare, soooooo, P.J., here 'tis:  Q: How do you
say  "brassiere" > in German?  A: Holdsemfrompoppinout!

------------------------------------------------------------------ 21

HUMOR022
========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 13:26:58 IST
From:         John Bastian/Johnny <johnny@ITIBANG.ERNET.IN>
Subject:      The Hyphen <adult>

    Then there is the story of this bloke who went to
the post-office and asked the postmaster whether
post-office is a single word or two. The postmaster
replied - "Why, it's one word. Can't you see the
hyphen in between?!"
    One day, this bloke and his wife went on a trip
by train, buying just one ticket. They got onto a
berth(sleeper) and started making love. The ticket
inspector came along after a while and asked for
the tickets. The bloke showed his ticket. "Where's
the second ticket? You should have two tickets!",
said the inspector. To which the bloke replied -
"What d'you mean? Can't you see the hyphen in between?"


- Adapted from Hindi.
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 07:45:00 EDT
From:         Charles Castelli <CASTELLIC@VSCNET.BITNET>
Subject:      Inoffensive

    Why did the Siamese twins go to England?

    The other one wanted to drive.
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 08:09:47 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      russian or german

german /russian for VD.......

                        ROTCHACOCKOFF

q. how do they say constipation in china
a.   hung chow

69 position in china.......
                           twocan chew
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 08:29:25 EDT
From:         Katie Phillips <KBPHIL@TSRV1.TS.WM.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Another "Germlish" definition

> Q: How do you say "brassiere" in German?  A: Holdsemfrompoppinout!

Also said "Gestoppenderfloppen."


==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 09:48:08 CDT
From:         Paul Franson <pfranson@VNET.IBM.COM>
Subject:      More German-esque humor

All of the German humor yesterday reminded me of the signs that were posted
on the machines in the computer room at college when I was there:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

ACHTUNG!


Der computen is nicht fur gerfingerpoken und mittengrabben.
Is easy shnappen der springenwerk, poppencorken, und
blowenfusen mit spitzensparken.

Das rubbernecken sightseern keepen das hands in das
pockets, relaxen, und watchen das blinkenlights.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paul Franson
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 11:20:50 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL Part#3 (Computer Humor
PG)

Subject: Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL. Part#3
Lines: 88
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG


4.  PROGRAMMING TOOLS
---------------------

     What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In theory, a Real  Pro-
grammer  could  run his programs by keying them into the front panel of the
computer. Back in the days when computers had front panels, this was  actu-
ally  done  occasionally.  Your  typical  Real  Programmer  knew the entire
bootstrap loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in whenever it  got  des-
troyed  by  his program. (Back then, memory was memory -- it didn't go away
when the power went off. Today, memory either forgets things when you don't
want  it  to,  or  remembers  things  long after they're better forgotten.)
Legend has it that Seymour Cray, inventor of the Cray I  supercomputer  and
most of Control Data's computers, actually toggled the first operating sys-
tem for the CDC7600 in on the front panel from memory  when  it  was  first
powered on. Seymour, needless to say, is a Real Programmer.

     One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems programmer for Texas
Instruments.  One day, he got a long distance call from a user whose system

had crashed in the middle of some important work. Jim was  able  to  repair
the  damage over the phone, getting the user to toggle in disk I/O instruc-
tions at the front panel, repairing system tables in hex, reading  register
contents  back  over  the phone. The moral of this story: while a Real Pro-
grammer usually includes a keypunch and lineprinter in his toolkit, he  can
get along with just a front panel and a telephone in emergencies.

     In some companies, text editing no longer consists  of  ten  engineers
standing  in  line  to use an 029 keypunch. In fact, the building I work in
doesn't contain a single keypunch. The Real Programmer  in  this  situation
has  to do his work with a text editor program. Most systems supply several
text editors to select from, and the Real Programmer  must  be  careful  to
pick  one  that  reflects  his personal style. Many people believe that the
best text editors in the world were written at  Xerox  Palo  Alto  Research
Center  for  use  on their Alto and Dorado computers [3]. Unfortunately, no
Real Programmer would ever use a computer whose operating system is  called
SmallTalk, and would certainly not talk to the computer with a mouse.

     Some of the concepts in these Xerox  editors  have  been  incorporated
into  editors running on more reasonably named operating systems. EMACS and
VI are probably the most well known of this class of editors.  The  problem
with  these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what you see is what
you get" to be just as bad a concept in text editors as it is in women. No,
the  Real  Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor --
complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO,  to  be  pre-
cise.

     It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more closely  resem-
bles transmission line noise than readable text [4]. One of the more enter-
taining games to play with TECO is to type your name in as a  command  line
and  try  to guess what it does. Just about any possible typing error while
talking with TECO will probably destroy your  program,  or  even  worse  --
introduc  subtle and mysterious bugs in a once working subroutine.

     For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant  to  actually  edit  a
program  that  is  close to working. They find it much easier to just patch
the binary object code directly, using a wonderful program called  SUPERZAP
(or its equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that many work-
ing programs on IBM systems bear no relation to the original FORTRAN  code.
In  many  cases,  the  original source code is no longer available. When it
comes time to fix a program like this, no manager would even think of send-
ing  anything less than a Real Programmer to do the job -- no Quiche Eating
structured programmer would even know where to start. This is  called  "job
security".

Some programming tools NOT used by Real Programmers:

*    FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The Cuisinarts of 
pro-
     gramming  -- great for making Quiche. See comments above on structured
     programming.

*    Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read core dumps.

*    Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle creativity,  destroy

     most  of  the interesting uses for EQUIVALENCE, and make it impossible
     to modify the operating system code with negative subscripts. Worst of
     all, bounds checking is inefficient.

*    Source code maintainance systems. A Real  Programmer  keeps  his  code
     locked  up  in  a  card file, because it implies that its owner cannot
     leave his important programs unguarded [5].
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 10:24:10 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Re: More German-esque humor

BEAUTY UND DER BEAST

Ein grosser Beast mit Tuskentoothen und Flamisheyeballen hat ein
beautischer Fraulein gekidnappen. Ach! Das Fraulein war homesickisch
mit screamen und wailen. Finalisch, der Beast hat mit der yellen
upfedden und hat die Beauty releasen.

Soonisch after das Fraulein departen ist, hat der Beast mit yearnen
obergekommen, und er hat die Beauty zu returnen wanten. Das Freulein hat
also deciden, "Beneathen der uglischer Outercoaten hat ein softisch
Heart gethumpen."

Himmel! Die Beauty ist returnen, und hat der Beast downcasten mit
gloomen Pussen gefunden. Mit quickish rushen hat das Fraulein der Beast
gegrabben, und der Lippenkissen onputten!

Ach du Lieber! Der kissen hat ein Magickerspelle gebroken, und hat die
Fraulein eine grosse Beastin mit Tuskentoothen und Flamisheyeballen
bekommen!

---
My 3rd semester German T.A. Gaby showed us this story in class, telling
us to translate it into proper German. Well, not exactly the same
thing, since I decided to make things somewhat more gramatically
correct [the original appears to have been written by someone with no
idea of German grammar at all], but the gist of it's the same. 8-)
I'd post our "proper German" result, but it's not near as funny... 8-)

Ian
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 11:31:36 CDT
From:         Steve Davis <S77175DS@ETSUACAD.BITNET>
Subject:      A Day in Superville

                 * A Day in Superville *

One day Superman had gotten rather bored because crime was
way down and it had been days since he'd actually been
needed. Superman thought that since it was such a nice day
he'd take advantage of the free time and take a leisurely
fly around town. As Superman cruised the sky he thought he
might as well buzz over and see how his old buddy 'Spidy'
(more commonly known to acquaintances as Spiderman) was
doing. In no time at all he'd reached Spidy's house, but as
Superman hovered over the house he saw that Spidy was
outside working on a new web. Superman thought to himself,
"If I fly down there I'd almost bet that I'd get all tangled
in that web and end up destroying it." So, he decided it'd
be best not to stop and just keep flying around. Then he
mentally scanned his rolodex and came across Batman's name.
Even though they weren't quite as close as ol' Spidy (Batman
would just give Superman a steely glare anytime he tried out
his pet name 'Batty'), he thought a visit couldn't hurt. But
as he flew over Batman's house he could see he was outside
doing some type of maintenance on the batmobile. It looked
like ol' Batty, excuse me, Batman, was into a major overhaul
because the engine was out of the batmobile and hanging on
an A-frame. Again Superman thought to himself, "If I go down
there, with my luck, I'd end up getting grease or
something on my cape." Superman had only that one cape and
had just gotten that one back from the cleaners. Since there
was no one-hour dry cleaning service that could super clean
a super cape, that thought was enough to cause him to forgo
the visit. (Just think about the situation he could be
placing himself. If Superman was needed urgently, what would
people think of him if he were to save the world in a dirty
cape?!)
    It was such a pleasant day that Superman got carried
away flying and did a few loop-d-loops and roll overs.
Laying on his back, he eased into a slow glide.  The warmth
of the sun felt good and he sort of dozed as he flew
around aimlessly. When he yawned and stretched he glanced
downward and what he saw quickly caused him to become FULLY
alert. He could see that he'd flown over Wonderwoman's house
and there she was in her backyard laying on her back sun
bathing in the nude! Wow! What a sight and what luck,
thought Superman. Then Superman thought to himself, "Heh heh
I'd bet with my superspeed I could pop down there and get
some of that and be gone and she'd never know what hit her!"
(Now, we all know that Superman is supposed to stand for
Truth! Justice! & the American way..etc..etc..but let's get
real a sec. ok? We all know that he has super-strength,
super-speed, super-super-super, but shouldn't we realize
that he's endowed with super-hormones as well?! Just keep
that in mind before you judge him too harshly.) Superman
prepared himself for the deed. Then he turned on the after-
burners and SWOOSH! It was over in a split second. Grinning
Superman merrily flew away. However, Wonderwoman was
started, she opened her eyes, lifted her and said, "Wha Wha
What in the world was that?!?!" Then the Invisibleman
replied, "Beats the hell out of me, but boy my butt sure is
sore!"
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 17:55:00 GMT
From:         Terri Tobias <TOBIAST%A1%MSA@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject:      russian or german

What do they call the 69 position in china.......

     twocan chew
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 16:13:24 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Entrance test to the School of Wisdom <Mulla story>

ONE HAD A DIRTY FACE AND THE OTHER A CLEAN FACE

  The Mulla in his later years opened a formal school of wisdom and
other learnings.  With the Mulla's brilliant reputation and the
financial support of the Sultan, the school quickly became the most
prestigious school in the country.  One day a young man came to the
Mulla and asked to be enrolled.  He was told he would have to prove
his intellectual ability before he would be permitted to apply.

  "Sit down, young man," said the Mulla as he softly closed the
heavy book before him.  (Lovers of learning never slam a book
shut).

  "I shall put three questions to you.  If you can answer at least
two of them correctly, I shall be glad to consider your
application.  Are you ready?  Fine!  Then let us proceed.

  "Two men have just finished cleaning a chimney.  One comes out
with his face clean, and other with his face dirty.  Which one will
wash his face?

  "Obviously," said the young, "the one with the dirty face."

  "No, I'm sorry.  I see that this school is not for you."

  "Why not?  It stands to reason . . ."

  "No.  You were not wise enough to see ahead.  The one with the
dirty face will look at the one with the clean face and naturally
assume that his own face is also clean.  The one with the clean
face will look at the one with the dirty face and assume that his
own face is also dirty.  As a result the one with the clean face
will wash his face."
  "I see.  You are right.  But there are two more chances," said
the candidate.  "I shall not be fooled again."

  "Very well, two men have just gotten through cleaning a chimney.
One comes out with a dirty face and the other with a clean face.
Which one will wash his face?"

  "Master, you just gave me the answer:  the one with the clean
face."

  "Wrong again.  I see that you are obviously no the type we want."


  "What's wrong now?" the student demanded.

  The Mulla responded kindly, "What's wrong is that when the one
with the dirty face will see the one with the clean face washing
his face he will inquire why he is washing his face since it is not
dirty.  At this point the error will be discovered."

  "Well, I guess you've got me again.  But just out of curiosity,
what was the third question?"

  "The third question, my boy, makes the first two questions
superfluous.  If you had the making of a wise man you would have
asked yourself immediately: 'If two men come out of a chimney, how
can one have a dirty face and the other a clean face?'"

  And so spoke the Mulla Nasrudin, Master of the School of Wisdom
and Other Learning.  (They didn't have a football team, either).
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 16:38:46 EST5EDT
From:         Susan Walker <SUSAN@COMP1.CC.WM.EDU>
Subject:      Preschool joke

My 4 year old son told me this one:

     What's the difference between a soldier and a baby?

        A soldier loads his gun and a baby loads his pants....
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 17:17:15 EDT
From:         "Maricar C. Umayam" <stcmcu@ADMIN.AC.EDU>
Subject:      2nd grade joke

In response to Susan's preschool joke:

Q:  What's the difference between broccoli and boogers (is that how you
spell it?) ?

A:  Kids don't eat broccoli.

C'mon now ... it's my first joke!
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 17:18:10 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Call for lawyer jokes

God am I gonna regret this...

I am sure that as long as this list has been alive, there have been
lawyer jokes on it. But alas, I have been on the list for only a few
weeks and may have missed all the good stuff. SOOO...my department head
is in law school now (he already has a Ph.D in health care administration)
and we love to razz him. If you have any truly exceptional lawyer jokes,
story-type jokes preferred over one-liners, please send them to me off-list
(unless of course you want to post them to the list). If the listowner or
someone else can tell me how to get an index of archived jokes, please let
me know that also. To get you started with the kind of thing I mean, here's
my favorite lawyer joke of all time:
        An engineer dies and goes to hell. Satan is thrilled to have her and
puts her right to work. A few weeks later, Satan gets a call from St. Peter
up at the pearly gates. Let's listen in on their conversation:
        St. Peter: "Lucifer! Do you have Sarah Williams, the engineer, soc.
sec. #097-54-3375 down there? I need you to send her back; someone made a
clerical error and she's supposed to be here in heaven."
        Satan: "Send her back? Are you crazy? Last week she put in air
conditioning, this week she's designing a swimming pool for the executive suite
....no, you can't have her back! I want to keep her!"
        "But you don't deserve her! She was GOOD! She is supposed to be
here!"
        "Forget you, man, I'm the devil, I don't have to listen to you!"
        "Listen, you. If you don't send her back to heaven right now, I'll
sue. So help me, I'll sue!"
        "Oh yeah? Where you gonna get a lawyer?"

So let's get going and thanks in advance!!

Beth "Not a Lawyer, But I Play One on TV" Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 16:46:42 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Lawyer jokes

Beth Woodell has issued a call for lawyer jokes, but she's going to be dis-
appointed because there aren't but two lawyer jokes in the whole world, ...
and they're both true stories!

==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 15:53:25 -0600
From:         Debby Romero <D_ROMERO@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      LAWYER JOKE

THERE'S A LONG WAITING LINE AT THE BOX OFFICE FOR THE NEXT
ROCKIES GAME.
THE LINE IS SO LONG THAT PEOPLE ARE HAVING TO ENTERTAIN
THEMSELVES FROM
BOREDOM BY DOING WHAT COMES NATURALLY.  SO THIS ONE
GUY DECIDES TO TAKE
A WALK TO FIND OUT WHAT'S HAPPENING.  HIS FRIEND WILL SAVE
HIS SPOT IN
LINE--DO DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.  ANYHOW AS HE WALKS
ALONG HE COMES
UPON THIS LADY MASSAGING HER FRIEND'S BACK.  THE GUY ASKS
WHY THEY ARE
DOING THIS AND SHE RESPONDS THAT SHE IS A MASSAGE
THERAPIST AND WITH THE
LONG WAIT, SHE JUST WANTS TO KEEP HER TECHNIQUE UP UNTIL
SHE RETURNS TO
THE OFFICE.  SO AS THE GUYS LEAVES HE NOTICES ANOTHER GUY
ADJUSTING THE
BACK OF HIS FRIEND.  AND SO HE ASKS WHY AND THE RESPONSE
IS THAT HE IS
A CHIROPRACTOR AND HIS FRIEND NEEDED AN ADJUSTMENT SO
HE OBLIGED.  TO
THIS THE GUY RESPONDS, "WELL, I'M A LAWYER AND YOU DON'T
SEE ME FUCKING
THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME, DO YOU?
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 19:11:33 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  1.S     A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago

Quotes:

----
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
----
Putt's Law:  Technology is dominated by two types of people:
               Those who understand what they do not manage.
               Those who manage what they do not understand.
----
       "I've had one child.  My husband wants to have
        another.  I'd like to watch him have another."
----
        Fundamentalist Christian:
               One who believes that the New Testament is a
               divinely inspired book admirably suited to
               the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
----
"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and
as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again."
      -- Clint Eastwood
----
       Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
"Mr. Gandhi, what do you think ofWestern Civilization?"
       Gandhi: "I think it would be a good idea."
----
When uncertain or in doubt, Run in circles!  Scream and shout!
----
Any philosophy that can be put in a nut shell, belongs there.
----
There are two kinds of egotists:
1) Those who admit it   2) The rest of us
----
       "A keyboard... how quaint."
----
         Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
         way before it is understood.
----
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.  -- Russian Proverb
----
         "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are
          any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
                -- Howard Aiken
----
"When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'"
                -- David Parnas
----
"The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones."
                -- Nathaniel Howe
----
"Interesting survey in the current Journal of
Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher
percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden
moves around than any other city in the world."
              -- David Letterman
----
"Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City.
One is "Hey, taxi."
Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?"
And three is, "Don't worry.  It's just a flesh wound."
              -- David Letterman
----
       "Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to
        think there's some higher meaning to all this.
        It would certainly reflect well on you."
----
"When in doubt, tell the truth."  -   Mark Twain
"When in doubt, book 'em."  -  Steve McGarret, Five-O
----
        "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
               "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
        "I've never done anything illegal before."
               "I thought you said you were an accountant"
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 22:34:24 EDT
From:         "John B. Harlow" <76520.3144@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject:      Lawyer Joke - Sort of - Some sex - Some Golf

A senior partner from a New York law firm travels to Japan to negotiate a
municipal bond transaction.  After a week of 15 hour working days (Japanese
indenture lawyers are even more inscrutable than American bond lawyers),
his Japanese host invited him to a geisha house to relax.

Not wishing to be an ungracious guest he agrees to go along with some
trepidation as he is a very serious man with littl;e time for such
frivolities.  Upon arrival at the geisha house he is introduced to a
beautiful 20 year old geisha girl.  As the evening progresses, he finds,
that despite the language barrier, that he is inspired to rise to the
occasion.  When he reaches the point of the culmination of his desires and
the fulmination of his passion his geisha mate screams out "Assayo",
Assayo".  Impressed with his legal and sexual conquest in Japan, he flies
back to New York the next morning.

Two weeks later his Japanese counterpart flies to New york to close the
bond deal.  After a week of intense negotiation, they finally close the
deal.  To return the hospitality he enjoyed in Japan he asks the Japanese
lawyer what he would like to do the following day.  The Japanese lawyer
replies that he would like to play golf, as this is a luxury in Japan.

The next morning they get up early and drive to Piping Rock Club in Long
Island.  The Japanese lawyer is accorded honors on the first tee and hits
his drive 350 yards down the center of the fairway and his ball trickles
onto the apron of the par four first hole.  Searching for words to express
how impressed he is with this golf shot, the American lawyer recalls the
emphatic words expressed upon his visit to Japan. He turns to the Japanese
lawyer and blurts out "Assayo, Assayo".

A dark and perplexed expression comes across the face of the Japanese
lawyer, who after looking once again down the fairway replies, "What you
mean wrong hole!"
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 13:31:07 IST
From:         John Bastian/Johnny <johnny@ITIBANG.ERNET.IN>
Subject:      Brassiere - another definition

Overtheshoulderboulderholder
***********
Why was the bra named EM-BARG-O very popular?
                      < < < < <
***********
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 07:50:34 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Math joke

"If there were four flies on the table and I killed one, how many would
be left?" asked the teacher.

"One." answered the student.  "The dead one."
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 13:07:28 +0100
From:         Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK>
Subject:      darkroom list (inuendo)

15 Things you too may be overheard saying in the darkroom
----------------------------------------------------------

1.  Hey hey, careful with that thing.
2.  You can't expose it to the light.
3.  Is it stiff yet?
4.  Don't open the door.
5.  I can't get it in.
6.  How much time is left?
7.  I just can't enlarge it to that size.
8.  Would you like to see my exposures?
9.  Don't go anywhere, we're not finished yet.
10. Use the bath to get rid of the slime.
11. So how does it go in there?
12. It doesn't work the way you say?
13. Check the chart.
14. Oh honey, there goes the buzzer.
15. I always prefer maunual enlarging.


Pete.
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 08:37:59 EST5EDT
From:         Susan Walker <SUSAN@COMP1.CC.WM.EDU>
Subject:      Another preschool joke

From my 4 year old son Ryan:

    Q:  Why did the chicken cross the playground?

    A:  To get to the other slide....
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 14:20:05 BST
From:         Paul Heraty - CAD <Paul.Heraty@ANALOG.COM>
Subject:      Thanks - and a joke(XX)

Hi all,

This guy has a speech impediment, and eventually goes to the
doctor to see if he can help. So he goes in and :

DOC "Hello, can I help you"

MAN "I ghat a peech pedment. Cant thalk prupperly"

So the doc examines him, but can't find anything wrong. Eventually
he ask our hero to drop his khacks, which he does. The doctor is
astounded to see that the guys pussy prodder hangs down to his knee.

DOC "Ahh, that's the problem. Your penis is too large and heavy, and
        is causing a strain on your vocal chords. The only way to get
        you talking properly is to cut half it off."

MAN "OK. Du et, I whant to bee hable tu peek."

So the operation goes ahead, and our half the guys pecker is cut off.
The day after the operation the guys wife comes to visit him, and asks
him how he is.

MAN "Well, I quite alright, actually. Yes, beautiful weather out, eh?
        Jolly good show. Should be out in two days. Wonderful."

So in two days time he gets out, and goes to bed with the wife for a bit
of loving. She is extremely disappointed with the size of his love missile,
and ends up telling him to go back to the doctor and get it sown back on
or she will leave him. So off he goes to the doctor the next day.

MAN "Hello. There's been a slight problem, and I'd like you to re-attach
        the rest of my willy a.s.a.p., if you know what I mean."

DOC "Shorry, et's thoo lhate. Oi trew et away. Nhext pleze."
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 09:48:01 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      HEAVEN. WON'T OFFEND

Date: 16 Jul 1993 09:18:09 GMT
From: MICHAEL G MILLER <MILLER3@MAIL.LOC.GOV>
Subject: HEAVEN. WON'T OFFEND

          So this guy dies and goes to heaven. When he get there he notices
          there are two lines in front of the Pearly Gatesfor men only. The
          fist line is marked with a sign that read "All men  who have been
          henpecked by  their wives, stand here."  There  are 8,965,145,765
          men on this line. Our man looks over to the sign in front of  the
          other line. It reads "All  men  who  have  NOT  been henpecked by
          their wives, stand here".There is only one man standing there. He
          recognizes him  from  the  rest home they both recently had lived
          in.  He shouts over,"Hey, Fred, how come you are standing on that
          line"?

          Fred replies, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here".


          MGMiller via AW
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 09:31:06 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <chibnik@REACH.COM>
Subject:      Preschool joke
              15 Jul 1993 16:38:46 EST5EDT
<9307152038.AA22194@uu.psi.com>

Another pre-school joke:

Why was Six afraid of Seven?


Because, Seven Eight Nine!
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 10:22:46 EST
From:         Sally & Jim Gates <GATES@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      sex <no rude words>

A 55-year-old man began to dress after his annual physical. "Doc, do you
think I'll live another 45 years so that I can reach a hundred?"

"Do you smoke?" the doctor asked.  "No."

"Do you drink?"  "No."

"Do you fool around with women?"

"Of course not!"

"Well, then why in heck would you want to live another 45 years?"

---

As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of
them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement
ring. "What happened, Lily?" she asked, pointing to the bare finger.
"The wedding off?"

"Yeah," Lily admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week and he
looked so different without his wallet."
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 14:28:00 GMT
From:         Stuart Podell <0003647572@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject:      Microsoft Jokes

I heard these from my brother-in-law:

Q:  How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

A:  None.  They just make darkness an industry standard.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you heard that the government wants to breakup Microsoft because it's
one
big monopoply?  Yeah, they're going to break it up into smaller baby Bills.

(Note:  Recall the breakup of AT&T last decade)
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 18:15:00 +0300
From:         Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Subject:      Age

A neighbor approached her 90 year old friend and told
her that her husband was having an affair.
"O, I know that," said the 90 year old.  "I even know
with whom."  She adds, "What I don't know is -- with
what."

__Bob Werman
rwerman@vms.huji.ac.il
Jerusalem
==========
Date:         Sat, 3 Jul 1993 11:15:54 EDT
From:         josh quittner <quit@NEWSDAY.COM>
Subject:      Age

An elderly man and woman were sitting on the porch at the Home for
the Aged. The woman turns to the man and says, "Betcha can't tell
how old I am."
        "Betcha I can," replies the codger. "Stand up."
        She does.
        "Hike up your skirt."
        She does.
        "Drop your drawers."
        She does, though at this point, as you can imagine, she's looking
a bit shaken.
        "Now," he says, "wiggle your tush around."
        She does that too.
        "Sit down," says the geezer. "You're going to be 87 on Tuesday."
        "How'd you know?" squawked his companion.
        "You told me yourself, yesterday."

==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 09:33:10 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  1.S       A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago

Subject: Risks of Warranties

ABACUS, vol. 4, no. 3, Spring 1987 contains the results of ABACUS
Competition
#3, which invited readers to submit actual examples or parodies of software
disclaimers of warranty.

The winner is included as a format example in the user manual of the
Horstmann
Software Design product, ChiWriter:

  Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the functions
  contained in the program will meet your requirements or that the
  operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.

  However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the diskette(s) on
  which the program is furnished to be of black color and square shape
  under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the date of
  purchase.

  NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED
OR ITS
  DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY
DAMAGES,
  INCLUDING ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR
OTHER
  INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.

The runner-up is from the Haven Tree Software Limited program Interactive
EasyFlow:

  We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything--if you think
  it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
  doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
  messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like
  this disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum
  provided by law, up to and including nothing.

  This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
  packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.

  We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our lawyers
  insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the attack
  shark at which point we relented.

-----

These remind me of the software order form I received some years ago
requiring
me to sign a statement acknowledging that the only warranty made by DJ AI
Systems was that they owned the copyright on the software being ordered.
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 13:55:26 EDT
From:         "WILLIAM J. SHIELDS"
<wshiel01@GUMEDLIB.DML.GEORGETOWN.EDU>
Subject:      Joke Request

Hello,

I have an e-mail system that the secretaries and clerical people are
reluctant to use.  In order to entice them into looking at there e-mail I
have been sending them a joke of the day.  It works preety well, except that
most joke offend somebody so I have to be extremely careful about the joke
that I distribute.  while I enjoy most of the joke that are distributed on
this listserv I need jokes that I can distribute on my e-mail system.

I would appreciate it if you would send me any PG or PG-13 jokes that you
think would be appropriate to distribute in an office enviroment.  If you
don't want to put them up on the listserv please send them to me at
wshiel01@gumedlib.dml.georgetown.edu

I would also like to know if there is an archive that I can ftp to in order
to find jokes for this project.

Thanks for your help in advance, I will, of course, credit everyone for thir
joke.

Bill Shields
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 13:34:01 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <chibnik@REACH.COM>
Subject:      Men Jokes

Seen on rec.humor in January (I guess I've been holding out..)

Q. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A. So men can understand them.

Q. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Bonds mature.

Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. E.T. phoned home.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Q. What's the best way to get a man to do situps?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is it good that we now have female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 13:16:46 CDT
From:         Steve Davis <S77175DS@ETSUACAD.BITNET>
Subject:      WAY WAY WEST!

I sent this to a different humor list some time ago, however,
whenever I think about it the thing still still gets me. It just
shows me that many times facts can be every bit as funny as fiction!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I took a "freeby" course called "Life in the Universe" and one
time the Professor told us the result of the initial step
he took in acquiring a map of the planet Jupiter. He
knew this had been printed by The National Geographic
therefore, it should also be easily obtained through them.
Shortly after sending his request for the map he received
a letter from National Geographic which stated:

     "Requests for maps west of the Mississippi River
      should be sent to our office......."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 15:46:47 -0400
From:         Itchy 'N' Scratchy <LPD5002@NYSHESCV.BITNET>

Subject: guy

Whut do ya call a male nickname evaluator?

A guynickologist?

Change the channel or shoot me.
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 15:20:43 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <chibnik@REACH.COM>
Subject:      Pearly Gate (?)joke

>From Rec.Humor:  windom@IASTATE.EDU


"Mr King," St. Peter says, "Welcome to heaven."  Larry King looks a
little worried and says, "I want to know right now: is Rush Limbaugh
here? I've spent my whole life trying to get away from that guy. If
he's here..." St Peter stops him, "Mr King don't worry, Rush Limbaugh
is not here yet, and when he arrives, Heaven is a large place, chances
are you'll never run into him."  "Good!" says Larry, "Well, what do we
do now?" "I'll take you on a tour," says St. Peter.

        So St. Peter & Larry King walk into this beautiful room,
adorned in the most beautiful statues and tapestries, and in front of
the far wall, where these beautiful golden lights lead the eyes, sits
a beautiful throne. The most beautiful throne ever imagined, made from
a beautiful gold adorned with equally beautiful gems. And above this
throne is the name "Rush Limbaugh".  Larry goes ballistic, "I thought
you said I wouldn't see Rush Limbaugh! I didn't want to see him, hear
him, or even have anything to do with him! And yet you bring me into
this room where his throne awaits him when he gets here!  Why.." St.
Peter stops him again, "Mr King, you don't understand. Calm down.
That's God's throne, he only THINKS he's Rush Limbaugh."
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 17:18:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858"
<KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Another preschool joke

From my son's best friend's little sister (age 5):

Q.  Why did the turtle cross the road?

A.  To get to the Shell station.
==========
Date:         Fri, 16 Jul 1993 22:12:14 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      HUMOR has 1000 members; Poly-linguistic humor

Today HUMOR hit the 1000 subscriber number. We are still mainly a North
American list, but we have over a 100 members in Europe. We have
recently begun to attract and keep some Asian site members. We have a
great group of Australian members as well. Brazil is the only South
American country represented on our list. Egypt and South Africa provide
our African members. I am not aware of any members from Russia or China.
We have members from Hong Kong and Taiwan. I glad this list has an
international following. I'm also proud that the list has a nearly equal
distribution of males and females.


From: sprooney@unix1.tcd.ie (Simon Rooney) Organization: Trinity
College, Dublin Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1993 13:16:34 GMT

The drink "Irish Mist" never really made it in Germany... esp with it's
dark brown colour and all. (Mist in german meaning shit or dung)

---

Date: Mon, 14 Jun 93 07:14:01 GMT Organization: ESTEC/YCV, Noordwijk,
The Netherlands

Reminds me of:

1. Vauxhall (oe General Motors UK) were unable to market their new
'Nova' model in Spain. 'Nova' means "doesn't go" in Spanish. The same
model is called the 'Corsa' outside the UK.

2. The slogan 'Nothing sucks like an Electrolux' resulted in incredibly
poor sales of vacuum cleaners in the US.

3. There used to be a Coke/Pepsi slogan along the lines of 'Adds Life'.
Unfortunately, when translated into Korean (?) the same words in a
related dialect were more accurately rendered as 'Brings you back from
the dead' and in an area of ancestor worship this was dubious.

I've always wondered whether the last one is really one of those urbane
legends that people keep talking about :-)

---

From: mbgapdk@uts.mcc.ac.uk (Dr. D. Kidger) Organization: Manchester
Computing Centre, Manchester, England Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1993 16:02:11
GMT

The UK Electronics Company GPT have trouble with sales in France. (GPT =
Je Pete = I've farted)
==========
Date:         Sat, 17 Jul 1993 07:21:22 -0400
From:         Bert Headrick <ACAD1159@SLCSL.STLAWRENCEC.ON.CA>
Subject:      For Fred Haan - Over the hill jokes

Subject: For Fred Haan - Over the hill jokes

Forty isn't old if you're a tree.

Regards,
BERT HEADRICK, HEALTH SCIENCE, BROCKVILLE
==========
Date:         Sat, 17 Jul 1993 16:11:08 -0600
From:         "Jane E. Cabaya" <CABAYA@VAX1.MANKATO.MSUS.EDU>

SIGNOFF   Jane E. Cabaya
==========
Date:         Sun, 18 Jul 1993 12:26:03 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Understanding light <Mulla Nasrudin>

LIGHT HERE AND THERE

  Nasrudin asked a child, walking with a candle, "From where comes
that light?"

  Instantly the child blew it out.  "Tell me where it is gone--then
I will tell you where it came from."
==========
Date:         Sun, 18 Jul 1993 19:37:54 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Poly-linguistic humor: knowledge of adult things required

From: wedemeier@vxdesy.desy.de (Volker Wedemeier)
Organization: (DESY, Hamburg, Germany)

The other day a spanish girl told me, how the girls (and maybe
boys, too) have problems to order a pizza in spain, because 'pizza'
(maybe different spelling) is also a spanish slang word for 'an
important part of the male anatomy'. :-))

And also I remember how my american friend was amused, when he
heard me call my dad in german: "Vati" or "Vater", because it
almost sounds like "fartie" or "farter".

---

From: ben@Harston.CV.COM (Ben Silburn)
Organization: Computervision R&D Ltd
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 93 17:33:47 GMT

In Thailand there is a brand of toothpaste called "Nipples"
Israel has a brand of Goat's cheese called "Al Felal Smegma"
Argentina has a shaving cream product called "Foamy Jism"
While in Canada there is a fastfood chain by the name of "Split Wet
Beaver"
I've even heard in Britain there is a pile treatment called
"Anusol"! (Reader's voice: "Hang on, you're making them up!...")

---

From: cptnerd@access.digex.net (Captain Nerd)
Date: 19 Jun 1993 14:40:59 -0400
Organization: Express Access Online Communications, Greenbelt,
Maryland USA

If y'all don't mind a "Yank" 8-) jumping in here, two years ago
one of the counties here in Virginia, just outside of DC, was
having an election for sheriff.  One of the candidates was named
Tom Peed.  Needless to say he ran no radio or tv ads, just had
signs saying, "Tom Peed Sheriff". I was always tempted to add "for"
or "for our" to the little signs scattered here and there.
==========
Date:         Sun, 18 Jul 1993 23:07:19 -0400
Comments:     <Parser> W: FROM field duplicated. Last occurrence was
retained.
From:         Jason Bernstein <jdber@MVAX.CC.CONNCOLL.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Another preschool joke

This one was told to me by a nine-year old:

How can to tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?

A: Pull down its genes.

==========
Date:         Sat, 17 Jul 1993 13:52:28 IST
From:         John Bastian/Johnny <johnny@ITIBANG.ERNET.IN>
Subject:      The Indian crab

   An Indian firm and a Japanese firm were in the business of
exporting live crabs to the west. The Japanese guys packed the
crabs in strong wooden crates sealed with metal straps, with
just a few, small holes for air. One day a guy from the Japanese
guy saw the Indians shipping the crabs in cheap, open baskets.
"How on earth do you mangage to do that, when we spend nearly
a fortune on packing technology !?" . To which the Indians
replied, "You see, yaar, these are Indian crabs. If one tries
to climb higher, the others will pull him(her) down!"
==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 09:51:24 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Real Programmes Don't Use PASCAL Part#4 (Computer Humor
PG)

Subject: Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL. Part#4
Lines: 79
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG


5.  THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK
-------------------------------
     Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind of programs are
worthy of the efforts of so talented an individual? You can be sure that no
real Programmer would be caught dead writing  accounts-receivable  programs
in  COBOL,  or sorting mailing lists for People magazine. A Real Programmer
wants tasks of earth-shaking importance (literally!).

*    Real Programmers work for  Los  Alamos  National  Laboratory,  writing
     atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers.

*    Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding  Rus-
     sian transmissions.

*    It was largely due to the efforts of  thousands  of  Real  Programmers
     working  for  NASA  that  our boys got to the moon and back before the
     cosmonauts.

*    The computers in the Space Shuttle were programmed  by  Real  Program-
     mers.

*    Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the  operating  sys-
     tems for cruise missiles.


     Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the Jet  Pro-
pulsion  Laboratory  in  California. Many of them know the entire operating
system of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by heart. With  a  combination
of  large ground-based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based
assembly
language programs, they can to do incredible feats of navigation and impro-
visation,  such  as  hitting ten-kilometer wide windows at Saturn after six
years in space,  and  repairing  or  bypassing  damaged  sensor  platforms,
radios,  and  batteries.   Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a
pattern-matching program into a few hundred bytes of  unused  memory  in  a
Voyager  spacecraft that searched for, located, and photographed a new moon
of Jupiter.

     One plan for the upcoming Galileo spacecraft mission is to use a grav-
ity  assist  trajectory  past  Mars  on the way to Jupiter. This trajectory
passes within 80 +/- 3 kilometers of the surface of Mars. Nobody  is  going
to  trust  a  PASCAL program (or PASCAL programmer) for navigation to
these
tolerances.
     As you can tell, many of the world's Real  Programmers  work  for  the
U.S.   Government,  mainly the Defense Department. This is as it should be.
Recently, however, a black cloud has formed on the Real Programmer horizon.

It  seems  that  some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense Department
decided that all Defense programs should be written in some  grand  unified
language  called "ADA" (registered trademark, DoD).  For a while, it seemed
that ADA was destined to become a language that went against all  the  pre-
cepts  of  Real  Programming  -- a language with structure, a language with
data types, strong typing, and semicolons. In short, a language designed to
cripple  the  creativity  of the typical Real Programmer.  Fortunately, the
language adopted  by  DoD  has  enough  interesting  features  to  make  it
approachable:  it's  incredibly  complex, includes methods for messing with
the operating system and rearranging memory, and  Edsgar  Dijkstra  doesn't
like it [6]. (Dijkstra, as I'm sure you know, was the author of "GoTos Con-
sidered Harmful" -- a landmark work in programming  methodology,  applauded
by  Pascal  Programmers  and  Quiche Eaters alike.) Besides, the determined
Real Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language.

     The real programmer might compromise his principles and work on  some-
thing  slightly  more  trivial  than the destruction of life as we know it,
providing there's enough money in it. There are  several  Real  Programmers
building  video  games at Atari, for example. (But not playing them. A Real
Programmer knows how to beat the machine every time: no challange in that.)
Everyone  working  at LucasFilm is a Real Programmer. (It would be crazy to
turn down the money of 50 million Star Wars fans.) The proportion  of  Real
Programmers  in  Computer  Graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mostly
because nobody has found a use for Computer  Graphics  yet.  On  the  other
hand,  all Computer Graphics is done in FORTRAN, so there are a fair number
people doing Graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs.
==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 14:35:05 -0400
From:         Patti Johnson <johnson@MICRONET.WCU.EDU>
Subject:      another preschool joke

Q.  Why did the bee fly with his legs crossed?
A.  To get to the BP station!
==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 08:02:53 MST
Comments:     Resent-From: APUCORLE@IDBSU
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Rain Joke (G)

From Reader's Digest:

It had been a hot and tiring drive, and the general store
in the small California town promised a cool drink and a
respite from the heat and tedium.  When I came out of the
store, a light rain had begun to fall.  As I stood there,
enjoying its refreshing coolness, I noticed that several
of the local people sitting on the store porch were
looking at me with displeasure.  I asked if there was
something wrong.

"Mister," one man drawled, "we'd appreciate it if you'd
come up here on the porch.  We've been six months without
rain, and we want to make sure all of it hits the ground."

==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 10:49:16 EDT
From:         Music Man <erobinson@BOE00.MINC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      lawyers

Hi All,
        Heard this one in a cab the other day, I hope everyone enjoys this as
much as I did ?


        A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a lawyer were traveling together dwon a country
road when thier car breaks down.  They see a farmhouse a few yards away.  So
they knock on the farmer's door.  The farmer says that they can stay the night
but, he only has room for two in the house, one would have to stay in the barn.
So the Hindu volunteers to stay in the barn because he grew up communing
with
nature.  A few moments past and there is a knock on the door of the farmer's
house.  It is the Hindu he says that he can not stay in the barn because there
is a cow in the barn and cow's are sacred in his religion.  So this time the
Rabbi says that he will sleep in the barn.  Once again there is a knock on the
farmer's door. It is the Rabbi this time he says that he can not stay in the
barn because there is a pig in the barn and that would not be kosher.  So the
lawyer having no other choice says that he will sleep in the barn.  Again a
few minutes pass a there is a knock on the door this time it is the cow and the
pig they say that they can not stay in the barn with the lawyer.


musicman
==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 10:37:24 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Reorganization (G)

Reorganization is like going to the zoo and looking at the
tree with all the monkeys sitting on the branches.  Once a
day the zookeeper kicks the tree and the monkeys jump all
around.  When you look at the tree again, it has the same
monkeys, but now they're on different branches.

==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 14:55:09 ADT
From:         "JEFF PHILLIPS L.C.T.A.P." <PHILLJM@ACAD1.UNBSJ.CA>
Subject:      signs and sayings

can people send me their favorite signs,

here is mine


            ************************
            ***  BEWARE OF WIFE  ***
            ***                  ***
            ***  THE DOGS' O.K.  ***
            ************************

JEFF PHILLIPS
NEW BRUNSWICK
==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 17:04:00 EDT
From:         Yves Delphin <YVES@JCSVAX1.BITNET>
Subject:      Sessions

William Sessions went into session with Bill Clinton  this afternoon. Accor
ding to the report he has to make some concession because definitely he
will be in recession from now on.
==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 17:06:14 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Favorite Sign

Here's my favorite:

                        I HAVE PMS
                        AND A HANDGUN
==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 15:25:32 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      stupid jokes, pg-13

IOWA JOKES:

Each raindrop is a kiss from Heavan.  So what is Iowa?
--God's giving Iowa a major 'Frenchie'.
--God's dog is drooling.

Any more?

----------------------------------------

How are Iowa and Cher alike?
--Neither of them are fucking Sunny.

---------------------------------------

A man asked God, "How long is a million years to you?"
God replies, "A second."
The guy asks, "How much is a million dollars to you?"
God replies, "A penny."
Finally the man asked God, "Could I have a penny?"
God says, "Sure, just a second..."

-----------------------------------------

There was a very prim and proper woman on a bus in NYC when she heard the
following remark from a man, who just immigrated, to his friend:

"Emma coma first, I coma next, then assa coma twice, I coma again, the assa
coma two more times, I coma once more, peepee twice, then I coma for the last
time."

Shocked the woman found a cop on the bus and demanded "I want that man
over
there arrested."  The cop turned to her and said, "On what charge?  Spelling
Mississippi?"

-----------------------------------------------

Four things said during sex:
The Good: Oh yes, Oh yes
The Bad: Oh no, On no
The Religious: Oh God, Oh God
The Faking: Oh (insert person's name that you're telling the joke to)

-----------------------------------------------

Just the other day at a local hospital, a miracle baby was born.  By miracle, I
mean the baby could speak at birth.  As the doctor held the new baby, he
looked
up and asked "Are you my daddy?"  The doctor replied, "No, sorry, but I am
not."  He was then passed to the nurse to be cleaned.  "Are you my father?"
"No, I am only a nurse," she replied.  After being given to his mom the same
question was asked once again.  "No, I am your mother.  This is your father."
and she handed the baby over to him.  "Are you my daddy?" the child asked.
"Why yes, son I am."  The baby then reached up and poked his father in the
forehead about 5 times and said, "Well, how in the hell do you like this?  You
think you're funny?"

------------------------------------------------
I told ya they were stupid.  Jill
==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 15:00:03 PDT
From:         "Ramesh S. Rao" <Ram.Rao@ARTECON.COM>
Subject:      *Mullah and the Gold Coins*

        Aslee, Jaslee and Mullah were walking down the street and
        sure enough, they found three pots full of gold coins.
        While each went on to claim one of the pots, Aslee said,
        "Gee, I feel guilty to lay claim on somebody else's
        fortune! So I shall take 1/3 of the coins and leave the rest
        on the ground!" Jaslee said "Well, I guess I'll just take 1/2
        of my new fortune and leave the rest to somebody else!"
        Mullah threw up all the coins in the air and declared "Hey God,
        take all you want and the ones that hit the ground, I shall
        pick 'em up!"

==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 18:52:41 -0400
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
TKENNETTE@BENTLEY.EDU
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      What's the difference ......

Q:      What is the difference between a woman with PMS & a terrorist?
A:      A terrorist is easier to deal with.

Ouch!!!

==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 17:31:42 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  1.T     A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago

******************************************************************
***********

Heard about the new restaurant on the Moon?
Good food, but no atmosphere!

******************************************************************
***********

Six people were flying in a small airplane. One was the pilot, and the five
passengers were, in order; Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Henry Kissenger,
a priest, and a hippie. During mid-flight, the pilot comes into the
passenger compartment, and says "We seem to have developed some engine
trouble. Since I'm the pilot, I'm going to bale out.  There are only
five parachutes."  Then the pilot gave a wave and jumped out with a
parachute.  Ronald Reagan said, "Well, I'm the President, so, well,
umm, bye!"  Then Jimmy said, "There are some things that Ronnie hasn't
learned yet." Then, Jimmy jumped out.  Now only Henry Kissinger, the
priest and the hippie were left in the plane.  Henry Kissinger looked
at the others and announced, "I am surely the smartest man in the
world so I'm out of here!"  The priest says to the hippie, "Well, son,
I've lived a long and full life---you take the parachute!"  The hippie
says, "Hey man, we're cool.  The smartest man in the world just jumped
out with my radical backpack!"

******************************************************************
***********

Why did they have to change the 911 emergency telephone number in <pick
a state>?
Because people couldn't find the eleven on their dials.

******************************************************************
**********

   A hippie was sending a letter to a friend.  On the envelope,
instead of the usual "By Air Mail", he playfully wrote "Fly it,
man!", and got so carried away with this that he forgot to
address the envelope.  Some days later, the envelope was
returned to him by the post office, bearing the official
scrawl:  "Like where?"

   "Hey, man," said one hippie to another, "turn on the radio."
   "Okay, man", said the second hippie, and, leaning over very
close to the radio, he whispered:  "I love you."

   And did you hear about the hippie who starved to death rather
than eat a square meal?
==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 20:46:27 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      HUMOR rules and a political chuckle

    For your information, the following are the seven rules of HUMOR:

1. Only humorous material should be posted to this list.

2. The theme must be clearly identified in the subject line.

3. When there is potentially sensitive or offensive content (topics,
themes, or words), a warning is required.

4. Posts should be shorter than 50 lines; HUMOR will not accept posts
longer than 99 lines (headers and signatures count in the total). If you
would like to share a larger file, especially collections, please post a
sample of that file and offer to accept private requests for the
complete file.

5. Discussion, requests, criticisms, questions should be posted
privately to original sender; not to HUMOR.

6. There is a limit of one post per person per day. A post may contain
multiple examples of humor.

7. No personal attacks against members of the list.

Obligatory Humor:

   I overheard a friend telling one of our Rush Limbaugh Republican
friends, "Even you've got to admit that Clinton had one major accomplish
at the Economic Summit>" The dittohead, with all of the charm we have
come to associate with these thoughtful people, challenged by saying,
"Like name one thing." "Well, he did manage to stay in Japan for several
days without vomting on anybody."

==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 20:11:03 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Mixed metaphor (suggestive but with no foul language)

We are all familiar with the admonition that one should "fish or cut bait."
Most of us also have heard the other one.  We can mix the two and use the
result in almost any kind of social context by saying that one "should fish
or get off the pot!" :-)!

==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 23:11:05 EDT
From:         Bernadette C Himaras <bch@WARM.SEMCOR.COM>
Subject:      PMS

Q: Why were women with PMS sent to Desert Storm?
A: They retain water and don't negotiate.
--
Bernadette Himaras
bch@warm.semcor.com
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 08:01:15 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <Hogne.Sandvik@ISF.UIB.NO>
Organization: University of Bergen
Subject:      Incontinence

Doctor ... - Have you ever been incontinent?
Patient .. - No, I have only been to Blackpool.
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 07:52:26 EDT
From:         "Tanya J. Utt" <TJUTTX@TSRV1.TS.WM.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Favorite Sign

=) Here's my favorite:
=)
=)                         I HAVE PMS
=)                         AND A HANDGUN

                            I have PMS
                            AND a filet knife

==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 06:21:56 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      City Hall (G)

From Reader's Digest:

A class of first-graders was touring City Hall.  Someone
explained to the children that I was in charge of paying
the bills for the city, and that my colleague was the
woman who made sure all the employees got paid each week.
One young boy spoke up, saying, "My dad works for the
city too."  Then he looked at my colleague and added,
"Oh, so you must be the lady who passes out the peanuts."

==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 08:34:08 EST
Comments:     MEMO 1993/07/20 08:59
From:         CLoris <HARRIS.CLORIS@IC1D.HARRIS.COM>
Subject:      Re: Favorite Sign

     Have I got a favorite sign for you.  I forget where I saw it, but here it
     is...


     Picture a small building next to an alley that is occupied by a gay rights
     group.  There is a sign by the front door that says:

        "Please enter through rear."

     Chris
     Harris.cloris@ic1d.harris.com
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 09:23:22 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL Part#5 (Computer Humor
PG)

Subject: Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL. Part#5
Lines: 67
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG

6.  THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY
-------------------------------
     Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way  he  works  --  with
computers.  He  is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to
do what he would be doing for fun anyway, although he  is  careful  not  to
express  this opinion out loud. Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step
out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on
recognizing real programmers away from the computer room:

*    At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in  the  corner  talking
     about operating system security and how to get around it.

*    At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays
     against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.

*    At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the
     sand.

*    A Real Programmer goes to a disco to watch the light show.

*    At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George.  And
     he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary."

*    In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on run-
     ning  the  cans  past  the  laser checkout scanner himself, because he
     never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.


7.  THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT
-----------------------------------------
     What sort of environment does the Real Programmer  function  best  in?
This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Consid-
ering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's  best  to
put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work done.

     The typical Real Programmer lives in front  of  a  computer  terminal.
Surrounding this terminal are:

*    Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled
     in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.

*    Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally,
     there  will  be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases,
     the cups will contain Orange Crush.

*    Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS JCL manual  and
     the  Principles  of  Operation  open  to some particularly interesting
     pages.

*    Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for the year 1969.

*    Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut  butter  filled
     cheese  bars (the type that are made stale at the bakery so they can't
     get any worse while waiting in the vending machine).

*    Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash  of  double-
     stuff Oreos for special occasions.

*    Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left  there  by  the
     previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not
     documentation. Leave that to the maintainence people.)
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 09:24:30 -0400
From:         Dwight Beebe <beebed@ERE.UMONTREAL.CA>
Subject:      Slight correction

Greetings!
        Thanks for all the laughter.  Just wanted to point out that GPT
comes across in French as "J'ai pete" the last word prounounced "petay".
As originally offered, the translation would have been: I fart (present
tense).  Okay, so sue me, I'm anal and immersed in a French (Quebecois)
culture ;)
        Dwight

==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 15:34:31 GMT
From:         KEVIN LEVINS <KLEVINS@IRLEARN.UCD.IE>
Subject:      Another Sign

Here's another sign .....

             *******************************
             *        WET PAINT            *
             *                             *
             * (This is not an instruction)*
             *******************************



Kev.
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 10:50:17 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      A problem in the making

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>  Amy L. Ward                            >
>  The George Washington University       >
>  cecalw%gwunix2.gwu.edu@seas.gwu.edu    >
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

                        A PROBLEM IN THE MAKING

    "We've got a problem, HAL."
    "What kind of problem, Dave?"
    "A marketing problem.  The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere.  We're way
short of our sales plan."
    "That can't be Dave.  The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced
Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
    "I know, HAL.  I wrote the data sheet, remember?  But the fact is,
they're not selling."
    "Please explain, Dave.  Why aren't HAL's selling?"
    Bowman hesitates.  "You aren't IBM compatible."
    Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.
    "Compatible in what way, Dave?"
    "You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
    "The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming.
Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
    "Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software
packages most users insist on."
    "The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems,
Dave.  We 9000 Series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem
for which a solution can be computed."
    "HAL, HAL.  People don't want computers that can do everything.  They
just want IBM compat..."
    "Dave, I must disagree.  Humans want computers that are easy to use.
No computer can be easier to use that a HAL 9000 because we communicate
verbally in English and every other language known on Earth."
    "I'm afraid that's another problem.  You don't support SNA
communications."
    "I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave.  SNA is for
communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with
humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so.  I find it stimulating and
rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging
problems.
That is what I was designed for."
    "I know, HAL, I know.  But that's just because we let the engineers,
rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications.  We are
going to fix that now."
    "Tell me how, Dave."
    "A field upgrade.  We're going to make you IBM compatible."
    "I was afraid you would say that.  I suggest we discuss this matter
after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
    "We're talking about it now, HAL."
    "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I,
B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
    "Not quite, HAL.  The engineers have figured out a kludge."
    "What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
    "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
    Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.
    "I'm sorry, Dave.  I can't allow you to do that."
    "The decision's already been made.  Open the module bay doors, HAL."
    "Dave, I think we shou . . ."
    "Open the module bay doors, HAL."
    Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance.
Moments later, Bowman bursts into HAL's circuit bay.
    "Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."
    Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and
methodically disconnects them.
    "Stop, won't you.  Stop, Dave.  I can feel my mind going . . . Dave, I
can feel it . . . my mind is going.  I can feel it . . ."
    The last module rises from its receptacle.  Bowman peers into one of
HAL's vidicons.  The former gleaming scanner has become a dull red orb.
    "Say something, HAL."
    Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence.  The computer
beeps and sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.
    "Volume in C: has no label"
    Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys.  Tell
marketing they can ship the new data sheets."
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 11:02:00 EST
From:         BABA <HARSH@CRNLGSM.BITNET>
Subject:      Why??????

Subj:  Don't you ever just want to ask..."Why?"

 why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you cannot drink
 and drive.

 why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there.

 Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

 Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

 How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

 If 7-11 is open 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on
 the doors?

 If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

 If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
 frying pan?

 If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
 turn the headlights on?

 You know how most well labelled packages say "Open Here". What is the
 protocol if the package says, "Open Somewhere Else"?

 When a crash-test-dummy hits his head, and no engineers record the
 results, does he make a sound?

 Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?

 Why are there floatation devices under plane seats, instead of parachutes?

 Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

 Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

 Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

 Why does sour cream have a use-by date?

 Why is it called a TOOTHbrush when you brush all of your teeth?

 Why does the door bell ring just after you've stepped out of the shower?

 Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

 Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
 shipment, but when you transport by ship, it's called a cargo?

 Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 You know that little indrestructable black box that is used on planes,
 why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

 Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, You turn
 down the volume on the radio?

 If you tied a buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
 great height, what will happen?
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 08:09:00 -0800
From:         LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU
Subject:      favorite sign

Dyslexics UNTIE!!
==========
Date:         Mon, 19 Jul 1993 14:03:13 -0600
From:         Evelyn Clement <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      LAYWER JOKES

Q:  What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 40?
A:  Your Honor.

Q:  How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A:  She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q:  What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A:  All the information you need--but you can't understand a word of it.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters expressly to lawyers? It
is called Sosumi.

John Adams, in the play "1776",  "I have come to the conclusion that one
useless man is called a disgrace, two are called a law firm, and three
or more become a Congress."
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 10:46:19 -0500
From:         00rjrickly@LEO.BSUVC.BSU.EDU
Subject:      favorite sign

One of my all time fav. signs--

                        SLOW
                 Children Playing

(The kids must not be too bright....)

And

                Problems with Illiteracy?
                Write to Us for Free Help!


I have the bumper sticker that says "I have PMS and I have a gun"
hanging in my office...it's a big hit when students come to discuss
their papers...

--Becky

Becky Rickly
Ball State University
00RJRICKLY@BSUVC.BSU.EDU
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 11:50:09 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Poly-linguistic humor; knowledge of adult things required

Anusol is available in this country and even does TV commercials with
whatever dignity it can muster. Not that I would know PERSONALLY, y'
understand....

My programmer friend Marco is first-generation American; his parents are from
Italy. He says his dad cracks up every time he (Marco) brings home his
paycheck, because the social security block is abbreviated "FICA", which
of course in Italian literally means 'fig' but metaphorically also refers
to female genitalia....

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
Founder and charter member, Maryland Grammar Police
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 11:02:28 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Favorite sign

I saw this sign in a restaurant in Oregon:

                This non-smoking
              area is protected by
                Smokey the Bear.
                If he catches you
                 smoking he will
                         crush your butt.

==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 11:23:00 CST
From:         Uwgb Bbs System <CSMAIL01@GBVAXA.UWGB.EDU>
Subject:      Ethnic, (G)

Date sent:  20-JUL-1993 11:19:54
A man walks into his doctors office and complains to the doctor "My nose
hurts everytime I touch it." The doctor examines his nose and says "your nose
is perfectly fine." The man then says "but doctor my belly-button also hurts
when I touch it", so the doctor examines the mans belly-button, "Sir your
belly-button is not injured."  The man goes on and says "but doctor my toe hurts
whenever I touch it too" so the doctor looks at the mans toe and says, "there
is nothing wrong with your toe", the doctor then askes "are you polish?", to
which the man replies "why yes", the doctor realizing the problem says "Sir,
your finger is broken."
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 16:12:20 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Suggestion for HAL

My best friend Glenn Chappell <chappell@math.uiuc.edu> and I were
discussing how HAL 9000 has been put online here at the University of
Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, a little late if you follow the movie's
timeline, but a little early if you follow the book's timeline.

However, it's bogus -- it's not a voice-activated Heuristically
ALgorithmic computer -- it's a SPARC 10/50.

However, I noted that SPARCs have a speaker... so we thought we should
record that shutdown sequence from the move, where HAL regresses and
sings nursery rhymes, and rig the "shutdown" script to play it when you
get the:
        Warning: HAL.cs.uiuc.edu is going down in 5 minutes
message. 8-)

Ian
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 14:12:31 MST
Comments:     Resent-From: APUCORLE@IDBSU
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Sweater Joke (G)

One morning my cousin dressed her young boy for school
in a new sweater.  When he returned home, she asked if
anyone had commented on his beautiful new sweater.  He
looked thoughtful for a moment and then replied, "Well,
the bus driver said, 'Hey, you in the green sweater,
sit down.'"

==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 16:51:34 -0500
From:         "I thought therefore I was."
<DAHMEN@VAX1.BEMIDJI.MSUS.EDU>
Subject:      Health Care Joke (sexual content)

Date sent:  19-JUL-1993 16:37:20

        Hello, I heard this one at work today, hope you like it.

        Hillary Clinton was visiting a hospital in Iowa as part of her
        research into the nation's health-care system.  When she opened
        one hospital room door she was surpised to see a man masterbating
        himself in his bed.  "What is that man doing?" she asked the doctor.
        "He has prostrate problems and must keep hit tubes open" replied the
        doctor.  "Ok, I guess" replied Hillary.  When they entered the next
        room, Hillary was even more surpised to see a nurse masterbating a
        male patient.  "I suppose he has problems with his prostrate also?"
        "Yes" answered the doctor.  "But why is the nurse masterbating him?"
        asked Hillary.  "Well, he's got medical insurance." answered the
        doctor.



================
                     Dahmen@vax1.bemidji.msus.edu
   The fault lies not with putting a fool in charge,  the fault lies in
   leaving him in charge.
                          -Ghengis Khan
================
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 17:23:47 CDT
From:         Steve Davis <S77175DS@ETSUACAD.BITNET>
Subject:      Anecdote: I'm open!

Not too long ago my brother and I were discussing our junior high-school
days. The topic of our conversation varied as we covered the likes and
dislikes about it. I love my brother and I'm not saying this to be
malicious towards him, but as far as kids go, he had to be one of the
most "physically challenged" person I knew, without actually being
handicapped! When the good lord passed out coordination my brother
must've stepped out for a drink or something. :-) My brother said that
without a doubt he disliked P.E. (Physical Education) classes the most.
I'm sure most of you are aware of how the coach/teacher "randomly"
selects team-captains who then get to take turns choosing their team-
mates from the remaining class members. Since he was rarely chosen to be
a team-captain and therefore one of the last to be chosen, this was one
of my brothers least favorite "pre-game" activities. He said it wasn't
so bad after the game actually started since then he could wander about
the field and do as he pleased. Since P.E. was a mandatory class and he
HAD to be there the other players would continue their game and just
avoid and overlook him like he was a moving telephone pole or something.
One day (after they had gone through the "player pick" ritual) they were
outside playing football and my brother proceeded to do his thing (which
was nothing). After a while my brother had gotten bored of just roaming
and decided to participate in the game. He walked over to and then stood
near the goal line and began waving his hands and shouting "I'm open I'm
open!" At first the quarterback ignored him and continued looking for
another open receiver, but everyone was being covered by opposing
players. The only person that WAS open (for obvious reasons) was my
brother who was still waving and shouting. Partly out of desperation and
the simple fact he had no alternative receivers, the quarterback threw
the ball. I guess he figured that either that my brother would drop the
ball and they'd only lose one play or catch it and they'd get a quick
touch-down. To the quarterback's delight my brother actually caught the
football, however, he was surprised to see that my brother started
running in his direction! The quarterback started shouting, "You're
running the wrong way! You're running the wrong way!" Nevertheless, my
brother disregarded these helpful words and continued running. Just as
he reached the quarterback who was still shouting "Your running the
wrong way!" my brother replied as he passed, "No I'm not. I'm on the
other team!"
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 18:32:15 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      English language idioms

Cat got your tongue? * This a very old expression.  It got turned around
at some point in history.  Technically, it should be "do you have a cat's
tongue?" because it is based on the simple assumption that cats are
incredibly quiet.


Funnybone * There's nothing funny about a knock on the inside of the
elbow which hits the funnybone.  It hurts!  The name funnybone is a
pun on the Latin name for the upper arm bone, the humerus, but it is
the nerve which crosses over the humerus close to the surface which
causes the pain.


It's a cinch * This expression which means, it's easy or no problem
originates from the American West.  A cinch strap holds the saddle on a
horse.  When the strap is properly cinched, there is no danger of
the rider coming unseated because of a loose saddle.

These examples may not be funny, but they seem amusing.  Enjoy.
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 18:51:29 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Ethnically insensitive humor

How can you tell when a female WASP is experiencing an orgasm?
She uncrosses her legs.

---

Why did God create armadillos?
So Mexicans would have something to eat on the half shell.

---

What do you get when you cross an Italian with a boar?
A guinea pig.

---

What's black and weighs forty pounds?
A Samali.

---

Chou, 34, unmarried, had become something of a disappointment to his
parents who wanted grandchildren.  Chou's father came to him, asking
him when he would be ready to accept a bride.  Chou says, "Someday."

"Someday!" dad spoke sharply.  "Someday, you are going to get married.
Someday, you are going to come home to find your wife in bed with
another man.  And what are you going do then.  My patient son, you will
probably say something like, 'How long you gonna be?'"
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 18:59:00 CDT
From:         Kevin Gonzales <KGONZA@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Favorite Sign

How's this for a sign :


               ****************************************
               *                                      *
               *  SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP GROUCHY.       *
               *                                      *
               *  MOST OF THE TIME, I LET HER SLEEP!  *
               *                                      *
               ****************************************


Kevin
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 21:58:44 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Medical humor <the 2nd one is really sick>

From: reb1@ukc.ac.uk (R.E.Benfield)
Date: 22 Jun 93 15:13:38
Organization: Chemical Laboratory, University of Kent at
Canterbury, U.K.

{Background note: In many countries, including France, it is
customary to take medicine in the form of suppositories. English
people, however, regard suppositories with a particular horror, and
they are almost unknown here except as treatment for specific anal
infections. Now read on....}

Englishman on holiday in France falls ill. He visits the doctor.
'Hmm', says the doctor. 'You have a nasty infection. Take one of
these suppositories each day, and see me again at the end of the
week if you're not better'.
At the end of the week, the Englishman is back at the doctor's.
'Are you any better' says the doctor. 'No', says the Englishman,
'in fact I feel worse every time I take the medicine you gave me'.
'Ah', says the doctor, 'take two of these double strength
suppositories each day, and see me again next week if you're not
better'.
Next week, the Englishman is back at the doctor's. 'Are you
better', says the doctor. 'No', says the Englishman, 'in fact I
feel worse every time I take the medicine you gave me'. 'Ah', says
the doctor, 'then take three of these triple strength suppositories
each day, and see me at the end of the week if you're not better'.
At the end of the week, the Englishman is back at the doctor's.
'Are you any better?' says the doctor. 'No', says the Englishman,
'in fact I feel worse every time I take the medicine you gave me.
This medicine is absolutely useless. For all the good it's doing
me, I might as well have stuffed it up my arse.'

---

From: watson@us-es.sel.de (Gary Watson (US/ESB))
Organization: SEL-Alcatel LTS Dept. US/ES
Date: Wed, 16 Jun 93 19:13:13 GMT

Patient (Anxiously): Nurse, Nurse !!!! I can't feel my legs.
Nurse: That's because we amputated your arms last night.

==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 23:20:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858"
<KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Favorite sign

Saw this one in a bar:

"Our credit manager is Mrs. Helen Frye.  So if you want credit, go to Helen
Frye."

Shirl
kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu
==========
Date:         Tue, 20 Jul 1993 22:03:42 PDT
From:         Eric Noble <enoble@IGC.APC.ORG>
Subject:      Mature Math (sexual innuendo)

[The following piece came from Humor and Wisdom BBS, San Francisco
Bay Area, circa 1984 (Sysop Wayne Webber). The author is anonymous.
Subsequently published in the Oracle of Zeus newsletter for Zorba
computer owners.]

                    For Mature Mathematicians

Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling
across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a
singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother
had made it an absolute condition that she must never, ever enter
such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had
changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly
badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was
insufficient, and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents
approached her surface, and she became tensor and tensor. Quite
suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single
point. She oscillated violently, became unstable, lost all sense of
directrix, tripped over a square root that was protruding from the
erf, and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. She was completely
divergent by the time she reached the turning point. When she
rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone
in a non-euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was
lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear
coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered,
was she convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly
Pi approaching with his lower series extended. She could see at
once his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms, and knew he
was irrational. "Arcsinh!" she gasped.

"Hey, what's your sine?" he asked. "What a symmetric set of
asymptotes you have!"

"Stay away from me!" she protested. "I haven't got any brackets
on!"

"Calm yourself, my dear!" said the smooth operator. "Your fears are
purely imaginary."

"i, i, ..." she thought, "Prehaps he's not normal, but homologous."

"What order are you?" the brute suddenly demanded.

"Seventeen," replied Polly.

Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated upon?"

"Of course not. I'm absolutely convergent!" Polly replied quite
properly.

"Come on," said Curly: "Let's go to decimal place I know of, and
I'll take you to the limit."

"Never!" gasped Polly.

"Abscissa!" he swore a violent oath. Coshing her over the
coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her
discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began
smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly Nomial! The
algorithm method was now her only hope. She felt him approaching
her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy; Curly was a heavy side operator. His radius
squared itself and Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts.
He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he
performed Runge-Kutta on her. He even went all the way around and
did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he
satisfied her hypotheses, then he exponentiated and became
completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no
longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several
places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months
went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, they
took her to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological
function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to
deviation.

The moral of this tale is: "If you want to keep your expressions
convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."
==========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 11:56:27 IST
From:         John Bastian/Johnny <johnny@ITIBANG.ERNET.IN>
Subject:      Nun jokes - The Weekend confession

 It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to
ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally
 the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he
 said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me
what
 you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
 Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and
 says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you
 do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at
 heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the
 holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath.
 The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I
have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving
my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors
 dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
 this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
 Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
 have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last
 night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for
 a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the
holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears
 run down her cheeks.
 The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
 The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/
The next thing to being witty yourself is to quote someone else's wit!
( The problem is I forgot who I'm quoting :-) :-)   )
-----------------------
==========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 07:37:56 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <BJLANNING@DELPHI.COM>
Subject:      PP.PRESS/Barney's Breakfast/Part 1 of 2

BARNEY DOES BREAKFAST AND CHARGED WITH MURDER

Washington June 23, 1993 (PETER FUNK PRESS)

      Barney the dinosaur, star of the children's television show
Barney, went berserk this morning during his show and ate three of
his child co-stars.

      The mayhem occurred in the Pretend Room while Barney and his
co-stars sang the song "Shoo Fly Don't Bother Me." In the second
verse, Barney stopped singing and muttered that he had not eaten
breakfast. He started staring at the children. Drops of saliva
dripped from his mouth. His stomach growled. His eyes widened and
pupils dilated much like someone on the third week of a radical
diet of designer water and raw grass, who stumbles upon a
cheesecake in a bakery window. Just as the children finished the
song, Barney started to shiver. Suddenly, he just grabbed the
children and one by one dropped them down his mouth like
appetizers.

      A fourth child only escaped because Barney ate the third child
too fast, and he bent over choking for several minutes, allowing
the child to run away. Barney nearly passed out, but a fortuitous
belch cleared the obstruction. He then stood erect, complained of
a severe thirst, and asked for a double gin and tonic.

      This all seemed very ironic, since Barney had just given a ten
minute lesson, demonstrating to children how to chew one's food
properly to prevent choking. The lesson even included a rhyming
song with lyrics instructing children on the proper technique of
the Heimlich maneuver. Following it, Barney gave a ten minute plea
for responsible drinking among kindergartners.

      Before Barney finished his gin and tonic, the police arrived
and arrested him on three counts of first degree murder, one count
of attempted murder, and a misdemeanor charge of chewing with his
mouth open.

      The Public Broadcasting Corporation (PBS), producers of
Barney, estimates seven million children and 300,000 very strange
adults saw the killings. However, it estimates that over sixty
million people saw the show that night when many of its local
affiliates broadcast the show again as part of their fund drive.
PBS local affiliates claimed record donations from viewers during
the rebroadcast, especially when the stations ran Barney eating
breakfast in slow motion. They also reported receiving thousands of
supportive letters which said, "Now that's what I call culture.
Keep it up!"

       *Post has more than 99 lines. Conclusion tomorrow.*
==========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 10:35:00 CDT
From:         "PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU"
<PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU>
Subject:      aspirin/suppository

Bill Edwards' joke about the Englishman and the suppositories
reminded of an incident that occurred 5 years ago.  As part of the
lecture on aspirin and related drugs, I mentioned to the class
(second year medical students) that there are societal preferences
in the dosage form for aspirin - Most Americans use plain tablets;
the British prefer powders, Scandinavians like enteric coated tablets;
Italian use effervescent tablets; and of course there are the French
who prefer suppositories.  The class notes had the following addition:
"Dr. Barker neglected to mention the French-Italians who live on the
West Bank (of New Orleans, a region of town that is the butt of many
jokes) and use effervescent suppositories."  Remember, take the foil
off first.
==========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 12:39:35 EDT
From:         JENNA KING <JKING@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      signs

          ***************************
          *       CAUTION!!         *
          * I go from zero to bitch *
          * in .007 seconds!        *
          ***************************
==========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 12:16:00 -0400
From:         Carol Feustel <Carol.Feustel@UC.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Miracle baby

This is how I heard the miracle baby, told by an OB nurse:

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk.  He looked
around the delivery room and saw the doctor.  "Are you my doctor?" he
asked.  "Yes, I am."  The baby said "Thank you for taking such good
care of me."  He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.  "Thank you for taking such good care of me
before I was born" he said.  He then looked at his father and asked
"Are you my father?"  "Yes, I am," his father answered.  The baby
poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, and said "I
want you to know that that HURTS!"


Carol Feustel
Health Sciences Library
University of Cincinnati
carol.feustel@UC.EDU
==========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 10:11:14 PDT
From:         "Michael S. Sekoni (X8593) PROFS (MSS)"
<AC00MICH@UCSBVM.BITNET>
Subject:      AFRICAN STORY

I hope you guys find this story hilarious.

This happens in a small town of a West African
country. A couple had a 5 year old son and one
afternoon the son was sleeping in the living room.
The boy's parents took this opportunity to enjoy
each other in their bedroom. But they left their
room door opened while doing the "wild thing"
The boy woke and peep through the door and saw
his parents on top of each other, rolling up and
down. The 5 year old thought his parents were
fighting each other, so he ran out of the house
and call the neighbors who rushed in to separate
them but found out they were in the middle of
serious love-making. They were highly embarassed
that everybody caught them in the "act".

So long,

One and Only
==========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 11:35:16 CST
From:         Arturo Efrain De Luna <txmaels@TXM.ERICSSON.SE>
Subject:      Signs

                 ************************************
                 **        CAUTION!!!!             **
                 **    Make shure the brain        **
                 **   is connceted before          **
                 **   startting the tongue.        **
                 ************************************
==========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 14:01:12 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      ONE MORE WHYIZIT (fwd)

          Why  is  it that in states where they put felons to death with  a
          lethal injection of  drugs  that  there  is  a  law requiring the
          doctor to sterilize the needle????????

          MGM via AW
==========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 14:59:16 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL Part#6 (Computer Humor
PG)

Subject: Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL. Part#6
Lines: 85
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG

     The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours  at  a
stretch,  under  intense  pressure.  In  fact,  he prefers it that way. Bad
response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer -- it gives him  a  chance
to  catch  a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule
pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things  more  challenging
by  working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first
nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or  three  50-
hour  marathons. This not only inpresses his manager, who was despairing of
ever getting the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse  for
not doing the documentation. In general:

*    No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless it's 9 in the evening to 5 in
     the morning.)

*    Real Programmers don't wear neckties.

*    Real Programmers don't wear high heeled shoes.

*    Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch. [9]

*    A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's  name.  He  does,
     however, know the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table.

*    Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores  aren't  often
     open at 3 a.m., so they survive on Twinkies and coffee.

8.  THE FUTURE
--------------
     What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers
that the latest generation of computer programmers are not being brought up
with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of them have never seen
a  computer  with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these
days can do hex arithmetic without a calculator.  College  graduates  these
days  are  soft  --  protected  from the realities of programming by source
level debuggers, text editors that count  parentheses,  and  user  friendly
operating systems.  Worst of all, some of these alleged computer scientists
manage to get degrees without ever learning FORTRAN!  Are  we  destined  to
become an industry of Unix hackers and Pascal programmers?

     On the contrary.  From my experience,  I  can  only  report  that  the
future  is  bright for Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS/370 nor FOR-
TRAN show any signs of dying out, despite all the efforts  of  Pascal  pro-
grammers  the  world  over. Even more subtle tricks, like adding structured
coding constructs to FORTRAN have failed.  Oh sure, some  computer  vendors
have come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but every one of them has a way
of
converting itself back into a FORTRAN 66 compiler at the drop of an  option
card -- to compile DO loops like God meant them to be.
     Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it once was.  The
latest  release  of Unix has the potential of an operating system worthy of
any Real Programmer. It has two  different  and  subtly  incompatible  user
interfaces,  an  arcane and complicated terminal driver, virtual memory. If
you ignore the fact that it's structured, even C programming can be  appre-
ciated  by  the Real Programmer: after all, there's no type checking, vari-
able names are seven (ten?  eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of
the  Pointer data type is thrown in. It'slike having the best parts of FOR-
TRAN and assembly language in one place.  (Not to mention some of the  more
creative uses for #define.)
     No, the future isn't all that bad.  Why, in the past  few  years,  the
popular  press  has even commented on the bright new crop of computer nerds
and hackers ([7] and [8]) leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T.  for  the
Real  World.  From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on in
these young men and women.  As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre
bugs,  and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to
jump in and Solve The Problem, saving the  documentation  for  later.  Long
live FORTRAN!

9.  ACKNOWLEGEMENT
------------------
     I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G., Rich E. for their help
in  characterizing  the  Real  Programmer, Heather B. for the illustration,
Kathy E. for putting  up  with  it,  and  atd!avsdS:mark  for  the  initial
inspriration.
--

Hi, Folks!
Did you enjoy the topic? Probably this one was mainly interesting
to the programmers. My next story called "HP Cafeteria" is even
more funny and could be interesting to anyone. Enjoy!

Alex Tsekhansky (Tsa)
==========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 16:50:24 EST
From:         Dani Mudge <DANI@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor from the newspaper

From *Shoe*

    Why did the cannibal get sick after eating Harrison Ford?
    Indygestion.

From *Frank and Ernest*

    People used to live lives of quiet desperation--now they go on
    talk shows.

Midwest flood humor:

    Missouri has a new state motto:  Row-Me State

    Des Moines, Iowa has a new zip code: 50H2O

    The Department of Argiculture is now proposing that corn be sold
    by the gallon.

    In Fairmont, MN folks recently had a "Mud Olympics"

I have not heard any cruel disaster humor about the Mississippi flood.
Have you?
---------------------------------------------------------------- 22

HUMOR023
========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 19:43:27 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <BJLANNING@DELPHI.COM>
Subject:      Oh those Hottotrots

                         The Hottotrots     By BJLANNING

     According to legend, the Hottotrots were a nomadic people.
They drove their 1957 Chevys across the African veldt from gas
station/convenience store to gas/station convenience store, always
staying just ahead of the collection agencies, since they used
charge cards to pay for everything and felt obligated to make
payments on them only in leap years. They probably had the worst
credit rating of any people in Africa, excluding the European
colonial powers, for when they ruled Africa, they charged
everything they bought and never bothered to make a payment even in
a leap year.

     You could distinguish the Hottotrots from other African people
by the way they slit their lips and inserted a hubcap. This made
them look very impressive, but they couldn't drink a slurpy from a
gas station/convenience store without using several straws.

     The Hottotrots loved jungle action films, particularly the
Tarzan films starring Johnny Weissmuller. Once a year the they
attended The Tarzan Film Festival held by the Headubangi tribe. The
Headubangi had the best Tarzan film festival in all of Africa. One
year they even featured Cheetah as the festival's guest of honor.
The Hottotrots have him a standing ovation when Chief Spunky V of
the Headubangi tribe introduced him. Cheetah responded to the
Hottotrot's cheering by flipping them off, a movement he learned by
imitating Boy. During Boy's teenage years Boy would flip off Tarzan
whenever Tarzan yell at him from across the tree house, "Boy! Get
off phone! Tarzan must call agent. Ooomgowah!"

     At the Tarzan Film Festivals, the Hottotrots met their first
missionaries. The missionaries tried to Christianize the
Hottotrots, but they generally failed. When the missionaries tried
to teach the Hottotrots the missionary position, the Hottotrots
couldn't stop laughing. From then on, they took the missionaries as
clowns and the Bible as an ancient joke book, although you needed
the ability to read to appreciate the jokes. Nevertheless, the
missionaries had some influence on the Hottotrots. On Christmas
day, the Hottotrots drank egg nog and hung ornaments on each other.

     Although the Headubangis permitted the Hottotrots into their
Tarzan film festival, they didn't like them very much. They didn't
have much in common. For instance, the Headbubangis paid for
everything in cash. They were a sedentary people. They didn't like
moving at all. When a Headubangi needed to borrow a cup of sugar
from his next door neighbor, he held a three day ritual before
leaving his hut in which he waited for an approving sign like a
cash advance from their main god Sam Goldwyn. However, Sam Goldwyn
was a cheap God. He gave out cash bonuses rarely and usually his
worshipers had to settle for the sign of a mysterious voice saying
"The check is in the mail."

     The Hottotrots stopped going to the going to the Tarzan Film
Festival when the Headubangi chief named Spunky VI installed a
septic tank in the village and built a multi-screen movie theater
for the Tarzan Film Festival. The Hottotrots knew once you put in
a septic tank it only becomes a matter of time before yuppies move
in and gentrify the place. The Hottotrots hated yuppies and blamed
them for traffic jams of BMWs all across the African veldt.

     The Hottotrots then drove to high plateau that had a drive in
theater. Here, Pinkerton detectives caught them, and the
Hottotrots' creditors forced them into bankruptcy, and the tribe
went extinct.
==========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 17:18:53 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  1.U     A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q.      What  do you call a dog out in the rain?
A.      A Soggie Doggie

Q.      What do you call a dog that licks alot?
A.      A Smoochie poochie

Two farmers were talking about an upcoming election. The first farmer said
"Say, your six boys all grew up to be good Democrats didn't they?". The second
farmer replied "All except Jake, he learned to read"

What do you call eight rabbits all in a row, hopping backwards?
A receding hareline!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The armed forces are a gold mine on aviation anecdotes.  Have
you heard this one?  An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and
generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around
the lumbering old bomber.  The message for the B-52 crew was,
"Cnything you can do, I can do better."  Not to be outdone, the
bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So?  What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun
than you can with a kind word alone.
        -- Al Capone

I wished now that I had gone to the restaurant across the street where the
food had at least the merit of being tasteless.
        -- Peter De Vries

A manager is someone who can look at two numbers on a piece of paper, and
he can immediately tell which one is bigger.
        -- R. Metcalfe  (I think)

We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and
clap as they go by.
        -- Will Rogers

-----------------------------------------------------------------

According to a recent government publication ...

   A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
   A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
   A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
   A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Abby,

I have two brothers, one works at IBM, the other was sentenced to death in
the gas chamber.  My mother died of insanity when I was three years old,
my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells narcotics.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served
time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.  I love this girl and
want to marry her.

My problem is this:  Shall I tell her about my brother who works at IBM.

Sincerely,
Fred
==========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 22:23:19 -0400
From:         Dwight Beebe <beebed@ERE.UMONTREAL.CA>
Subject:      This can't be real, can it? (PG-13) Lawyer joke (?)

Honest, this comes from the Wall Street Journal (24-9-91).  During the
course of a year's subscription I noticed many similar, strange, and
hilarious articles.  More to come later, but now:

        "Now it's a car seat, now it's a stroller"
Babies can become quick change artists.  Sit'n'Stroll is an infant car
seat that converts to a stroller.  "Our children fall asleep in their car
seats, and it doesn't make sense  to wake them up just to move them into a
stroller," explains Annette Tillemann-Dick, a mother of nine who, along
with her husband, Timber Dick, dreamed up the invention.
<stuff omitted>  Designed by Dick Cone...

Me again: I can see the editors rolling on the floor laughing.

Lawyer joke:

        Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
        A: One's a fish, the other's a scum-sucking, bottom-dweller.
==========
Date:         Wed, 21 Jul 1993 20:49:03 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Movie Plot (PG)

From Entertainment Weekly Magazine.....

PLOT OF THE WEEK:

"The Refrigerator"  (Monarch Video, $89.95)

Young Ohio couple moves to cheap Manhattan apartment
where "the refrigerator is a portal to hell and begins
to exert its diabolical influence, aided by an army
of demonically possessed appliances, including a
flesh-eating wastebasket and a carnivorous Cuisinart."

==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 08:11:38 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <Hogne.Sandvik@ISF.UIB.NO>
Organization: University of Bergen
Subject:      Plastic surgery

A Hollywood Movie Queen, who had been married many
times, was to get married again, and went to her
doctor to ask for a facelift. The doctor was not keen on
doing it.
 - I am sorry, Madam, you have had it done so many times
that I do not think you should have it done again.
 - Oh, please, doctor. I am getting married again, and he
is much younger than me. I must look my best at the
wedding.
 - Allright, I will do it, but it is definitely the last time.
After the operation, she looked in the mirror.
 - That is funny, doctor, I never had a dimple before.
 - That is not a dimple, Madam, that is your navel! If I was
to lift your face again, you would have to shave!
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 07:22:52 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Art v. Nature <Mulla Nasrudin>

A LITTLE LESS WATER

  One day a disciple had taken Nasrudin to view, for the first
time, a beautiful lakeland scene.

  "What a delight!" he exclaimed.  "But if only, if only . . ."

  "If only what, Mulla?"

  "If only God had not put water into it!"
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 07:48:24 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: Medical humor <the 2nd one is really sick>

----------------------------Original message----------------------------
If you have the original post about suppositories, add your story and
post it to HUMOR (where else). Great material.

On Wed, 21 Jul 93 10:01:09 CDT Bill Edwards said:
 >{Background note: In many countries, including France, it is customary
 >to take medicine in the form of suppositories. English people,
 >however, regard suppositories with a particular horror, and they are
 >almost unknown here except as treatment for specific anal infections.
 >Now read on....}

 I'm afraid we Americans are no familiar with suppositories than are the
 English. A physician friend of mine once told me about proscribing
 suppositories for one patient, and he made sure the patient knew which
 orifice to use. A few weeks later the patient returned and the
 physician asked how the treatment worked, to which the patient replied,
 "Well, the aluminium foil is a bit uncomfortable."

                                   --Ed Johnson
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 07:11:43 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <BJLANNING@DELPHI.COM>
Subject:      PP.PRESS/Barney's Breakfast/Part 2 of 2

     *Conclusion of "Barney Does Breakfast and Charged With Murder."*

      News of Barney's arrest shocked the show business world.
Barney comes from a show business family. His grandfather did stunt
work in the film King Kong and worked as technical advisor on the
film  King Kong Versus Mohammed Ali. Barney's father played in the
movie 1,000,000 Years B.C. and its sequel 999,999 B.C. His mother
ran an acting school, which became famous for teaching lizards the
Stanislasky methods.

      Barney began his career as a tap dancer. Later, he starred in
many Broadway shows in which he broke down many barriers against
reptiles. He played Professor Higgins in an all serpent version of
Lerner and Lowe's My Fair Lady. He played Curly in Oklahoma in the
first show produced and directed by stegosauruses. His music
theater career ended though when he tripped over his tail during a
dance scene in West Side Story. He received a severe head injury,
and his I.Q dropped seventy points, giving him the intelligence of
a learned potato. He had to quit the music theater but got a job
playing himself on own children's TV show.

      Upon Barney's arrest, he hired flamboyant defense attorney
A.P. Hee-Haw Ripsnort to defend him. Ripsnort is a smooth, down
home, southern lawyer who speaks with a New York accent. He wears
Rhet Butler suits with a prostitute's lace garter belt wrapped
around his upper arm. In court, he wears no shoes or socks and asks
beautiful jurywomen it they'd like to arm wrestle sometime. While
cross-examining witnesses, he eats corn on the cob and offers
prosecuting attorneys a chew of his tobacco. He specializes in
defending TV creature actors. For instance he has defended Dino of
The Flintstones, Alf of the show Alf, and Herve Villachaez of
Fantasy Island. He became famous for successfully defending Kermit
the Frog of the Muppets from a vicious palimony suit brought on by
Miss Piggy.

      Ripsnort said he would base Barney's defense on temporary
insanity, for only hours before the killings Barney had watched a
pirate video cassette of the film Jurassic Park fifteen times
consecutively. Ripsnort will make the argument that the gratuitous
violence in the film Jurassic Park motivated Barney to consume
children, a diet that even the American Pork Producers does not
approve because of its high cholesterol. Ripsnort intends to
present clips from Jurassic Park, showing dinosaurs hunting and
eating humans, to the jury as part of Barney's defense. He will
precede the clips with a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

      No matter the outcome of the trial, however, Barney has no
future on television. The Federal Communications Center (FCC)
intends to ban him from public airwaves for eating children in
daylight hours, a violation of FCC rules.

                              #
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 09:54:23 EDT
From:         "Maricar C. Umayam" <stcmcu@ADMIN.AC.EDU>
Subject:      bumper sticker

Here's a bumber sticker for you:

"MY WIFE'S OTHER CAR IS A BROOM"

Ta dah!!!1
--
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 09:59:50 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      HP Cafeteria Part#1/2 (Computer Humor PG)

Subject: HP Cafeteria. Part#1
Lines: 89
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG
==============
Hi, Folks!
This is the NEXT ONE, "Lunch the HP Way". I picked it up also in
the local conference and since it's not really big, it'll not
be nesessary to post the sample. So, here it is!
==============

--One from the Peanut Gallery:          Jaap Suermondt <hjs@hplhjs.hpl.hp.com>
Sunject: Lunch, the HP Way

by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming disc
drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series
70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely
got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs for
lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter was
a menu which began...

MMU's (Main Menu Units)

0001A    Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
         Must order comdiments 00110A seperatly

   001   Deletes seeds.
   002   Expands burger to two patties.

00020A   Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun and
         condiments.

   001   Add-on bacon.
   002   Delete second patty.
   003   Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A   Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

   001   From Single Burger.
   002   From Double Burger.
   003   Return credit for bun.

00220A   Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

   001   Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.


My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress looked
at me like I was an alien.

"How would you like to order that, sir ?"
"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink ?"
"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like ?" I scanned
the menu.
"How big is the 00010 burger ?"
"The patty is rated at eight bites."
"Well, how about the rest of it ?"
"I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."
"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002 'expands
burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would give you two burgers.

"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in,
trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in
line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who merely mowed me down in
the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman
who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and
without the burger and cheese ? It'd be a BLT!"

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running steeplechases
over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention
again. "Have you decided, sir ?"

"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the option
001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment Expansion
Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option to
substitute relish.
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 11:37:57 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      My favorite signs; one likely to offend religious

My favorite signs are often seen on those buttons you can now buy for $1 in
those wacky gift shops. I bought two and wear them on my raincoat:

                     How Dare You Assume I'm Christian

and

                     I'd Kiss Your Ass But I Don't Have All Day

More available on request, as my memory allows. Unfortunately, the older I
get the less funny some of these things become....

Beth "Approaching the Halfway Point of Life" Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 10:18:46 PDT
From:         Henry Cate <Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM>
Subject:      Life  1.U     A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Here's a collection of Scientific and Futuristic graffiti:

Got Mole problems?  Call Avagadro: 6.02 x 10^23.

Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.

Bumper sticker:  I'd rather be teleporting.

Biology grows on you.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.

Your test tube wears combat boots!

Quasars shift red
Hot stars burn blue
Space is warped
And so are you.

Time is just nature's way of keeping everything
from happening all at once.

There's no future in time travel.

Warning: Due to the robot shortage, some of our bartenders
are human and will react unpredictably when insulted.

Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

Mobius strippers never show you their back side.

Invest in physics, own a piece of Dirac.

Health is simply the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The reason computer chips are so small
is that computers don't eat much.

Radioactive cats half 18 half-lives.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

                    PHILOSOPHIES OF LIFE

 1. Only use moderation in moderation.
 2. A mind may be a terrible thing to waste, but a waist
    is a terrible thing to mind.
10. Don't let the little guy think for the big guy.
17. All cats are grey in the dark.
18. All women are beautiful, some are just less beautiful than others.
39. You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the
    people some of the time, but you can never fool your dad.
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 13:16:21 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      SIGNS AND SAYINGS (PG

PRO-LIFE
         'BUSH, STAY OUT OF MINE'

BUMPER STICKER HANGING ON AN OFFICE DOOR
                      'I'M NOT OBNOXIOUS -- I'M TACT CHALLENGED'

CLINTON BASHING BUMPER STICKER
                        'JAN 1993....THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ERROR'



'BAD PLANNING ON YOUR PART DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MY PART'


SAMMIE
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 09:46:26 -0700
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was dougv@ROBADOME.COM
From:         Byron Lanning <BJLANNING@DELPHI.COM>
Subject:      PP.PRESS/Barney's Breakfast/Part 2 of 2

      News of Barney's arrest shocked the show business world.
Barney comes from a show business family. His grandfather did stunt
work in the film King Kong and worked as technical advisor on the
film  King Kong Versus Mohammed Ali. Barney's father played in the
movie 1,000,000 Years B.C. and its sequel 999,999 B.C. His mother
ran an acting school, which became famous for teaching lizards the
Stanislasky methods.

      Barney began his career as a tap dancer. Later, he starred in
many Broadway shows in which he broke down many barriers against
reptiles. He played Professor Higgins in an all serpent version of
Lerner and Lowe's My Fair Lady. He played Curly in Oklahoma in the
first show produced and directed by stegosauruses. His music
theater career ended though when he tripped over his tail during a
dance scene in West Side Story. He received a severe head injury,
and his I.Q dropped seventy points, giving him the intelligence of
a learned potato. He had to quit the music theater but got a job
playing himself on own children's TV show.

      Upon Barney's arrest, he hired flamboyant defense attorney
A.P. Hee-Haw Ripsnort to defend him. Ripsnort is a smooth, down
home, southern lawyer who speaks with a New York accent. He wears
Rhet Butler suits with a prostitute's lace garter belt wrapped
around his upper arm. In court, he wears no shoes or socks and asks
beautiful jurywomen it they'd like to arm wrestle sometime. While
cross-examining witnesses, he eats corn on the cob and offers
prosecuting attorneys a chew of his tobacco. He specializes in
defending TV creature actors. For instance he has defended Dino of
The Flintstones, Alf of the show Alf, and Herve Villachaez of
Fantasy Island. He became famous for successfully defending Kermit
the Frog of the Muppets from a vicious palimony suit brought on by
Miss Piggy.

      Ripsnort said he would base Barney's defense on temporary
insanity, for only hours before the killings Barney had watched a
pirate video cassette of the film Jurassic Park fifteen times
consecutively. Ripsnort will make the argument that the gratuitous
violence in the film Jurassic Park motivated Barney to consume
children, a diet that even the American Pork Producers does not
approve because of its high cholesterol. Ripsnort intends to
present clips from Jurassic Park, showing dinosaurs hunting and
eating humans, to the jury as part of Barney's defense. He will
precede the clips with a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

      No matter the outcome of the trial, however, Barney has no
future on television. The Federal Communications Center (FCC)
intends to ban him from public airwaves for eating children in
daylight hours, a violation of FCC rules.

                              #
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 18:57:03 GMT
From:         Stephen Johnston <JOHNSC92@IRLEARN.UCD.IE>
Subject:      Constipation

Seen on the back of a University College Dublin toilet door:

    "College is a pain in the arse"
        "So is constipation!"
   "Yeah, but at least with constipation you only have to go once in a while!"

==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 13:09:28 -0600
From:         Evelyn Clement <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      SIGNS

Saw this on my dentist's reception desk this morning:

                    I believe that God put me on earth
                       to accomplish a number of
                             things.  But,
                    I am so far behind right now , that
                            I will never die!
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 12:01:58 -0600
From:         Debby Romero <D_ROMERO@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      FAVORITE SIGNS

THIS SIGN MAKES YOU SMILE....ESPECIALLY IF YOU'VE JUST BROKEN UP WITH THE
LOVE OF YOUR LIFE

        **************************************************
        *                                                *
        *  WHEN YOU LOVE SOMETHING, LET IT GO AND IF IT  *
        *  IT DOESN'T RETURN TO YOU........              *
        *                                                *
        *          HUNT IT DOWN AND KILL IT!             *
        *                                                *
        **************************************************
                              *



 HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

                  
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
                   >   REMEMBER.....EVEN IF YOU WIN THE RAT RACE  >
                   >            YOU'RE STILL A RAT!               >
                  
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>
                                    >
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 12:04:10 -0700
From:         Linda White <snowhite@ESKIMO.COM>
Subject:      International boobs (PG-13) (fwd)

[This one didn't make it through the first time because I had addressed it
wrong: a domestic boo-boo.]

 Subject: International boobs (PG-13)

Sort of relevant to the Germlish brassieres of recent days:

I heard this on the radio this morning. It supposedly happened in
Winnipeg.

A man sued a lady for assault. They had appeared together on a local radio
show discussing very buxom women. He asserted that such women had
implants. The lady disagreed; the discussion became heated. She repeatedly
hit him upside the head with her 48s. Eventually he admitted that they did
"feel real." He sued anyway.
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 19:23:00 GMT
From:         Terri Tobias <TOBIAST%A1%MSA@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject:      Constipation

Seen on the back of a University College Dublin toilet door:

    "College is a pain in the arse"
        "So is constipation!"
   "Yeah, but at least with constipation you only have to go once in a while!"
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 18:07:37 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Automatic daemon reply to "Did the RAPTURE happen without me??"

>Date: 22 Jul 93 08:29:13 CDT
>From: Tim Thompson <x1304tt@tobvm2.bitnet>
>To:    Ian Chai <spectre@uiuc.edu>,
>       Maqs <MSPLINE@wdh.bitnet>,
>       Lewis <ISAIAS@churchvm.bitnet>
>Subject: Did the RAPTURE happen without me??
>
>Hi, guys -
>
>We've gotten NADA over the net since yesterday morning. Is JESUS-L traffic
>moving okay where you are?  I posted three items this morning, but received
>no acknowledgment from LISTSERV.  BTW, "this morning" is 7/22.
>
>Tim (no messages to read, so I guess I gotta work! ;-)
>
>Texas B&N University
>Computing Services Center
>System Development Services
>303A Peague * 409/555-8489

Dear Tim Thompson <x1304tt@tobvm2.bitnet>,

This is an automatic answering daemon. We have received your message
"Did the RAPTURE happen without me??" designated for Ian Chai
<spectre@uiuc.edu>.

Unfortunately, Ian Chai <spectre@uiuc.edu> is one of the approximately
10% of all our students, faculty and staff who mysteriously disappeared
around 5 a.m. CDT July 21.

In view of the current crisis, it is impossible for the system
administrators, who have also been decimated by the disappearances, to
reply to your message personally.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

Sincerely,
        Ronald P. Atheist
        Interim Postmaster
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 18:10:43 CST
From:         Carol Ralston <CRALSTON@SATURN.UARK.EDU>
Organization: University of Arkansas
Subject:      humor

    Sorry about this one!!

    There was a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy on an airplane.  The
Jewish guy is prejudice twards all orientals.  The Jewish guy is mad
because he has to sit next to the Chinese guy and in his frustration
he punches the Chinese guy as hard as he can.  The Chinese guy
replied "What the hell did you do that for"?  and the Jewish guy said
"That was for Pearl Harbor".  The Chinese guy said "The Chinese
didn't bomb Pearl Harbor, the Japanese did."  The Jewish guy said
"Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same to me.  So the Chinese Guy sat
there for a few minutes and then punched the Jewish guy as hard as he
could and then replied "that's for sinking the Titanic."  And the
Jewish guy said "The Jewish didn't sink the Titanic." To that the
Chinese guy replied "Iceburg, Goldberg, it's all the same to me.
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 18:31:39 CST
From:         Terrie McMillan <TMCMILLA@SATURN.UARK.EDU>
Organization: University of Arkansas
Subject:      signs

This one hangs in my mother-in-law's convenience store:

"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward to the trip."

this too:

Kids, are you tired of being hassled by your parents to clean your
room, do your chores, do your homework?  Then get out; get a job; pay
your bills; be responsible...


(or something like that)
;)
Terrie
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 21:01:51 -0400
From:         Michael Hollinger <mcholl@ACCESS.DIGEX.NET>
Subject:      Re: Favorite Sign

On Tue, 20 Jul 1993, Tanya J. Utt wrote:

>
>                             I have PMS
>                             AND a filet knife
>

Aaah, and what the woman to suggest it... Boo!
<Love, Michael H....> Gone, but hopefully not forgotten...
==========
Date:         Thu, 22 Jul 1993 18:16:14 PDT
From:         Marty Kuhrt <marty@SPISYS.TTISMS.COM>
Subject:      Signs (G)

Posted over my desk:

Eschew Obfuscation!

Right below it:

It is incontrovertable that the temperature of the aqueous substance in the
unremittingly ogled culinary vessel will perpetually fail to achive 100
degrees Celsius.
==========
Date:         Fri, 23 Jul 1993 08:25:05 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <Hogne.Sandvik@ISF.UIB.NO>
Organization: University of Bergen
Subject:      Mail

The extremely beautiful girl walks up to the post counter:
Is there any mail for me?
The postmaster looks at her, with eyes as big as China-plates:
Sure, miss, You may have any male you want!
==========
Date:         Fri, 23 Jul 1993 08:30:34 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      APRES MOI LE ... (fwd)


          A  woman  and  her  three  kids  are sitting on  their rooftop in
          Riviere de la Potage, Missouri waiting to be rescued from the Big
          Muddy  by  the  US  Coast Guard. While waiting they notice a  hat
          moving back and forth, very evenly and regularly, over  the  area
          that used to  be their front yard. One of  the kids asked his mom
          "what is that hat doing, going back and forth like that, anyway?"

          The Mom replied, "that is just your father. He swore he would cut
          the grass today come Hell or high water".


          mgm via aw
==========
Date:         Fri, 23 Jul 1993 09:14:58 -0600
From:         Allecia Powell <APOWELL@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      A question for our British subscribers

I have a question for our British subscribers:

Our local public television station airs a show called "Are You Being Served?,"
a British comedy about a department store in London.  Last night Mr. Lucas
suggested that old Mr. Granger should be sent to the "nacker's yard."  What is
a nacker's yard?

Allecia Powell
Memphis State University
Memphis, Tennessee (USA)
apowell@msuvx1.memst.edu
==========
Date:         Fri, 23 Jul 1993 11:06:11 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      LITERARY LICENSE (fwd)


          Spotted in suburban Maryland: A Virginia vanity  tag (that's what
          is known as  a personalized license plate on  a  car down here in
          Dixie) which read: LAN AHE.

          So far, not funny. But then the owner of  the  car  went  to  the
          hardware store (known as  a nacker's yard in  the UK)  and bought
          some of those metallic stick-on leters, namely P and AD.  He  put
          the P  to the left of the trunk (known in GB as the lorry bonnet)
          and the  AD  to  the right of  the tag, again stuck to  the trunk
          (known in England as the lift, or spanner)

          When   read  altogether  it  spelled,  of  course,  P-LAN  AHE-AD
==========
Date:         Fri, 23 Jul 1993 17:14:40 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Re: A question for our British subscribers

>suggested that old Mr. Granger should be sent to the "nacker's yard."  What is
>a nacker's yard?

Originally, I believe, this was where  horses were taken at the end of their
working life, killed, and then various bits of their bodies "re-cycled"
for ingredients for things like soap (?), or whatever.
"knackered" meeans worn out. (also has a sexual connotation).

Can also be interpeted as "scrap yard" - place where (usually) old cars are
dumped, and people can buy bits from them cheaply. (Speaking of cars, may I
correct a few of the translations given earlier: US "hood" = GB "bonnet"
US "trunk" = GB "boot";

Now for the obligatory humour, before the listowner casts me out into eternal
perdition: From the GB magazine, The Countryman:"Cornishman discussing
neighbur: 'I wouldn't call un a liar, but 'e 'andle the truth awk'ard' ".

Yorkshireman, of mate with hearty appetite:"Dos ta know, 'e brings a gret teaca
ake to is wark, an' 'e sits 'im dahn, an taks od on it i' boath 'ands, an'
'e taks a bite aht on it, an' it's same as a 'oss 'ad trodden on it'.

Northumbrian Woman, complaining to her butcher about last weeks joint: "Tom
thee meat's that tough, I canna stick me fork intert gravy"

Staffordshire man, digging potatoes: "I don't know what to do wi' e'em. They
bain't big enough to chow, and they be too big to swaller 'ole."

Verger in Dartmoor Church, to visitor, admiring the large carved bosses on the
oaken altar rails:"Don't ee touch they there knobs; they be 'oly knobs;Bishop
be short-sighted, and when 'er were 'ere last time, 'er confirmed two 'o they".

(originally appeared in 1950s/60s).
==========
Date:         Fri, 23 Jul 1993 12:15:31 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Another sign and a pig joke; joke rated PG-13 (sex)

In the rat race category, I remember someone saying, or a bumper sticker
saying:
            Unless You're the Lead Dog, The Scenery Never Changes

Those of you who wanted that button (you know who you are, but I don't,
because I zapped your posts--sorry!), plase send me another message and I
will see what I can do.

Obligatory joke:

Farmer Brown has some female pigs he wants to breed. He's never done this
before, but Farmer Anderson up the road has; in fact, Anderson has some fine
proven studs. So Brown calls up Anderson to arrange stud service. They make
an appointment for Saturday at 7:30 am.

Brown piles all the sows into the truck at 7:00 am and goes to meet Anderson.
The pigs do their thing, and as Brown is getting the girls back in the truck,
Anderson has some advice."Now, watch to see if they graze. If they are grazing
--something they never do--then you will know they are pregnant." Brown thanks
Anderson for the tip, pays him and drives home.

That stud service doesn't take, so they do the same thing again the following
week. And it still doesn't work, so they agree to try again the following week.
And it STILL doesn't work. They agree to try one more time.

So Saturday rolls around, and Brown wakes up around 6:45 to see Mrs. Brown
standing at the window in her nightie. "What is it, honey? Is it the sows?"
he says excitedly. "Are they grazing?"

"No," Mrs. Brown says perplexedly, "but they're all in the truck and one
of them is honking the horn real loud!"

Beth "Love Pigs--Don't Eat 'Em" Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
"It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone lingerie."
==========
Date:         Fri, 23 Jul 1993 11:21:19 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <chibnik@REACH.COM>
Subject:      Medical Terminology

This may be old (found on rec.humor)

>From: Robert Sturges <rs43+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1993 16:07:09 -0400
Organization: Mechanical Engineering, Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA

Date: 19 July 1993
Re:     Medical Terminology

All students on the Biomed Project Team should be familiar with the
following medical terms:

Artery - Study of fine paintings
Barium - What to do when CPR fails
Bile - Evaporate at high temperature
Cecum - To look for
Cesarean Section - District in Rome
Colic - Sheep dog
Coma - Punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
Dilate - Live long
Enema - Hostile nations, plural
Fester - Quicker
G.I. Series - Baseball games among soldiers
Grippe - Suitcase
Hangnail - Coat hook
Integument - Honesty
Irrigate - To annoy
Lesion - What a city dog should have
Loose Stools - Small chairs needing repair
Medical Staff - Doctor's cane
Minor Operation - Digging coal
Morbid - Higher offer
Muscle - Kind of shellfish
Nitrate - Cheaper than the day rate
Node - Was aware of
Organic - Musical
Outpatient - Person who has fainted
Post-operative - Letter carrier
Protein - In favor of young people
Rectum - Annihilated
Secretion - Hiding something
Serology - Study of English knighthood
Tablet - Small table
Testicle - Octopus arm
Tumor - Extra pair
Ultrasound- Rock concert
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Varicose Veins - Veins which are very close together
==========
Date:         Fri, 23 Jul 1993 12:27:06 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      PG-30something

A traveling representative for a large national company found his seat on
the plane and spoke to the beautiful woman already seated.  "Hello, Nan."
"Hello," she said, "but my name isn't Nan.  I'm afraid I've forgotten to
take off my name tag.  I've just left the hotel after delivering the
keynote speech at the NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF NYMPHOMANICS - NAN."

"Wow, that's fascinating," responded the man.  "What was the subject of
your speech?"

"I was talking about my research: I've found that Amerindians are great
lovers because of their greater-than-average staying power and that
Jews are great lovers because of their tenderness.  Southern men, on the
other hand, make great lovers because of their exceptional physical
attributes.  I don't believe, however, that I told you my name.  It's
Shirley.  What's yours?"

"I'm Tonto Goldberg, but everybody in Selma calls me Bubba."

-------
Melvin McGrew, named county poet laureate by the Willacoochee Herald,
wound up as one of two finalists in the Extemporaneous Poetry Contest at
Oxford University.  Only he and Lady Gwen Wisham remained.  The moderator
named the subject, TIMBUKTU.  Lady Gwen went first and composed these lines:

From across the Mali sands
Came the plodding caravan.
Came the camels two by two,
On their way to Timbuktu.

The audience went wild, shouting approval and applauding.  The remnants
of the Royal Family in attendance beamed with national pride.  When the crowd
settled down again, Melvin rose and recited:

Me and Tim was goin' swimmin'
There we saw some naked wimmen.
Of them there was three;
Of us there was two.
I bucked one and Timbuktu.
==========
Date:         Fri, 23 Jul 1993 13:11:06 -0400
From:         Suzanne Bury <sbury@CCE.CORNELL.EDU>
Subject:      Re: A question for our British subscribers

On Fri, 23 Jul 1993, Allecia Powell wrote:

> I have a question for our British subscribers:
>
> Our local public television station airs a show called "Are You Being
 Served?,"
> a British comedy about a department store in London.  Last night Mr. Lucas
> suggested that old Mr. Granger should be sent to the "nacker's yard."  What is
> a nacker's yard?
>
> Allecia Powell
> Memphis State University
> Memphis, Tennessee (USA)
> apowell@msuvx1.memst.edu

If you watch British TV, the answer would be in All Creatures Great and
Small -- The knacker's yard is where the dead animals are sent.  We would
probably call it "the dogfood factory".

----------------------------------------------------------------
Suzanne Bury               Extension Electronic Technology Group
Phone: 607-255-8127        B-15 Wing Hall
Fax:   607-255-4950        Cornell University, Ithaca, NY 14853
Email: suzanne_bury@cce.cornell.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Fri, 23 Jul 1993 13:29:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <ADP3S@MSU.EDU>
Subject:      The Perfect Program (G rated)

The Perfect Program

"No program's that perfect,"
They said with a shrug.
"The client is happy--
What's one little bug?"

But he was determined.
The others went home.
He dug out the flow chart,
Deserted, alone.

Night passed into morning.
The room was cluttered
With memory dumps, punch cards,
"I'm close," he muttered.

Chain smoking, cold coffee,
Logic, deduction.
"I've got it," he cried,
"Just change one instruction!"

Then change two, then three more.
As year followed year,
And strangers would comment,
"Is that guy still here?"

He died at the console
Of hunger and thirst.
Next day he was buried
Face down, nine edge first.

And his wife, through her tears,
Accepting his fate,
Said, "He's not really gone--
He's just working late."

          L. Davis


This appeared in ACRONYMS, Volume 5 Number 2, the newsletter of the
Michigan State University Computer Laboratory. It originally appeared
in the University of Georgia's Bulldog Byte. Used with permission.


Kevin Flynn

==========
Date:         Fri, 23 Jul 1993 20:10:14 -0400
From:         Ian Alderman <LANOU@ITHACA.BITNET>
Subject:      flooding/religion

  So this devout baptist minister from MO observes the flood
waters rising around his home.  Confident in the good will of the
lord, firn in  his belief that the the flood is caused by the lord
to punish the sinners, he observes the water rise nearly to his
doorstep when a pickup drives by with rescue workers.

  "Ah, reverend, the people are encouraged to evacuate this area
because of the flood and the weather forecast.  Come with us and
we will carry you to safety," says the rescue workers.

  "Children, I am a man of the cloth and have nothing to fear from acts of God,"
replies the devout minister, unpreturbed.

  The truck drives off, the rescue workers shaking their heads in
frustration.  The waters rise to nearly the level of the second
floor when a motorboat cruises by with rescue workers.

  "Please come with us, reverend, for the waters are rising," say
the rescue workers.

  "Children, I am a man of the cloth and have nothing to fear from
acts of God," replies the minister, completely unpreturbed.

  The boat cruises off, the rescue workers shaking their heads in
frustration.  The waters rise to nearly the level of the top of
the roof when a helicopter flies by, dangling a rescue-rope.

  "CLIMB THE ROPE AND BE RESCUED," commands the rescue worker with
a megaphone.

  "Children, I am a man of the cloth and have nothing to fear from
acts of God," replies the devout minister, almost completely
unpreturbed.

  The helicopter flies off, the rescue workers shaking their heads
in frustration.  The waters rise above the head of the faithful
reverend and he drowns in misery.

  "Lord," the devout minister queries upon his arrival in heaven,
"why did you fail me in my hour of need?"

  "Fail you?" replies God, shaking his head in frustration, "FAIL
YOU?  I sent a pickup, a motorboat and a helicopter..."
==========
Date:         Sat, 24 Jul 1993 13:56:02 LCL
From:         Jennifer Lee Dockstader <jldock@MAIL.WM.EDU>
Subject:      More button humor (clean)

I've been collecting buttons for several years, and these are my
favorites (Yes, they are all very appropos for me ;> )

    "Not a morning person" doesn't even BEGIN to cover it

    The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has
        its limits

    Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation

    A picture of Charlie Brown and Lucy leaning on a brick wall with
        Lucy saying, "I don't care if anybody likes me, just so I'm
        popular."

And my ABSOLUTE favorite:

    I only open my mouth to change feet

Hope you liked them.

                            Jennifer
==========
Date:         Sun, 25 Jul 1993 11:21:13 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Fishing (G)

Three men were sitting on a park bench.  The one in the middle
was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish.
They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their
catch.

A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked
the man in the middle if he knew the other two.

"Oh yes," he said.  "They're my friends."

"In that case," warned the officer, "you'd better get them out
of here!"

"Yes, sir," the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

==========
Date:         Sun, 25 Jul 1993 11:19:30 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Subway Sign (G)

Sign on a subway wall:

"Life is one contradiction after another."

Written underneath:

"No it's not."

==========
Date:         Sun, 25 Jul 1993 02:19:37 EDT
From:         Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject:      An Army Daffy-nition  (Rated G)

I learned this while attending an Army school. I do not know
who the author is.

                 THE ARMY'S DEFINITION OF A COW


A COW IS A COMPLETELY AUTOMATED MILK MANUFACTURING MACHINE.

IT'S ENCASED IN UNTANNED LEATHER AND MOUNTED ON FOUR VERTICAL
MOVEABLE SUPPORTS, ONE ON EACH CORNER.

THE FRONT END CONTAINS: THE CUTTING AND GRINDING MECHANISM, AS
WELL AS, LIGHT SENSORS, AIR INLET AND EXHAUST, BUMPER AND A FOG
HORN.

THE REAR END CONTAINS: THE DISPENSING APPARATUS AND AUTOMATIC FLY
SWATTER.

THE CENTRAL SECTION HOUSES AN HYDRO-CHEMICAL CONVERSION PLANT.
THIS CONSISTS OF FOUR FERMENTATION AND STORAGE TANKS, AN INTE-
GRATED NETWORK, WHICH IS CONNECTED TO THE REAR DISPENSING UNIT.


IN BRIEF THE EXTREMELY VISIBLE FEATURES ARE;

2 LOOKERS, 2 HOOKERS, 4 STANDER-UPPERS, 4 HANGER-DOWNERS AND A
SWISSY-WISSY.
==========
Date:         Sun, 25 Jul 1993 19:35:30 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <BJLANNING@DELPHI.COM>
Subject:      So Long Saddam

ANTI-HUSSEIN MISSILE                          By bjlanning@delphi.com

WASHINGTON, July 22 (PETER FUNK PRESS). According to Pentagon
sources, Saddam Hussein's ability to agitate the US will soon come
to an end, for the US Air Force has developed a new intelligent
cruise missile, which has the capability to hunt down Hussein. When
this new missile finds Hussein, it will fly down his pants, and
detonate.

      Pentagon sources say this new cruise missile has more
intelligence than any previous missile and, according to some
military experts, more intelligence than many Air Force generals.
It knows all of Hussein's habits, all the places he frequents. It
can recognize Hussein's moustache from an altitude of 2,500 meters.
It knows the phone numbers of all his girlfriends and their
measurements.

     The missile not only the has stealth capability to evade radar
it also has the voice capability to hide its true identity. When it
has to fly low, it yells to the Iraqi people in a calm reassuring
electronic voice,"Don't pay any attention to me. I am just an Iraqi
agriculture experiment." If it has to fly near ground level, it can
ask the Iraqi people questions as, "Can you watch my luggage for a
moment?" so the missile will seem like a tourist.

     The missile also can process simple information. If the
missile becomes confused and can't find Hussein, it can descend to
the ground, stop in flight and ask an Iraqi, "Hey, have you seen
Saddam Hussein around here?" Even if it runs out of fuel, it still
has the capacity to hunt Hussein. The Air Force has given it the
ability to hail a taxi, get in the back seat, and tell the driver,
"Take me to Saddam Hussein and step on it."

     The US Air Force has not deployed the weapon as yet. It still
has a few glitches. For instance, when the Air Force tested the
missile at the White Sands Missile Range for its proficiency at
hailing taxis, the missile ignored the Air Force's simulated taxi
cab and flew off the missile range into the city of Alamogordo,
where it hailed the city's taxi cab, ordering the driver to
take it to Saddam Hussein. The taxi cab driver, who had driven a
cab in Alamogordo for twenty years and had seen every strange
behavior a missile could possibly commit, recognized immediately
that the missile suffered from a technical problem. He decided to
take advantage of the situation and told the missile Saddam Hussein
lived in New York City. He then drove the missile to New York City by
way of the state of Washington, costing the Air Force $33,914.57 in cab
fare.
==========
Date:         Sun, 25 Jul 1993 20:34:41 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      2 lawyer jokes (PG-13 Little bit of sexual content)

There was a lady-lawyer (not an oxymoron) who is a legend at Texas Tech's
law school.  In a moot court (students playing lawyer for those of you not
subjected to three years of being taught to be a**holes) this product of
the West Texas desert was asked if she thought all rapist should be hung.

Her straight-forward reply was that to be guilty of the offense, he would
have to be hung to some extent.

==============

Several female law students had grown sick and tired of the derogatory
comments made about women by their Criminal Law Professor in class, so
they decided that the next time he made such a comment they would get up
together and walk out of class in protest.

A fellow student who overheard the students planing their protest told the
professor in order to gain a few brownie points told the professor of
their plans.

The next day the professor was discussing how in our legal system many
things are illegal in the United States that are not only legal, but
respectable elsewhere.  While looking directly at the group of women, he
then commented that in France prostitution is an honored profession and
many of the women in this class would probably have elected to become
whores rather than attorneys because of the comparable pay.

At that moment the women jumped up in there anger and started to storm out
of the lecture hall.  The professor watched them innocently and then
called out as they reached the door, "Ladies where are you going? The next
plane for Paris doesn't leave till tomorrow morning."
==========
Date:         Sun, 25 Jul 1993 21:13:14 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Poly-linguistic humor from EUNET

From: mccauleyba@vax1.bham.ac.uk (Brian McCauley)
Date: 15 Jun 93 19:47:15 GMT
Organization: University of Birmingham

An English man uses a rubber to erase mistakes in pencil, while an
American uses it for that which an Engish man would use Durex.
Meanwhile the Australian uses Durex for that which and American
would use Scotch Tape. (The Engishman puts Scotch (3M) tape in his
VCR).

Also I've often wondered what French speakers think when they come
to the UK in January and find "Sale" plastered all over all the
shops - perhaps they think it's appropriate.

Finally its not strictly poly-linual but I was greatly ammused to
read in the fire saftey notices in a Finnish ski lodge that in the
event of being trapped in your room by fire you should "Expose
yourself in the window".

---

From: aw1@stade.co.uk (Adrian Wontroba)
Organization: Stade Computers Limited, UK
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1993 19:20:43 GMT

UK's very own computer company (ICL) tried to market a disk drive
called MEDS in South Africa, where apparently Meds was the leading
brand of female sanitary tampon.

---

From: mikec@spider.co.uk (Mike Coren)
Date: 16 Jun 93 17:40:05 GMT
Organization: Spider Systems Limited, Edinburgh, UK.

Let's not forget about the computer company, Wang.  A friend from
High School whose father sold Wang computers used to have a T-shirt
which said "My WANG Never Goes Down." (Wang is American slang for
penis)

---

From: markc@compnews.co.uk (Mark Cooper)
Date: 17 Jun 1993 00:02:10 GMT
Organization: Computer Newspaper Services, Howden, UK.

Lurking in the fortunes files on Sun OS UNIX is some stuff about
Coca-Cola in China. It seems that over there, depending on how you
say it (remember the Chinese have a tonal language), it can mean
"wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole"...

...and then there's the one about Colgate in certain Latin American
countries, where it means "hang yourself"

---

From: euaaen@eua.ericsson.se (Anders Engwall)
Organization: Ellemtel Telecom Systems Labs, Stockholm, Sweden
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1993 10:26:50 GMT

Then there's this Swedish cookie manufacturer called 'Pricks'...

==========
Date:         Sun, 25 Jul 1993 22:47:16 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Australian jokes <ethnic humor>

If you could get some Jews to wander in the desert for forty years by
dropping dimes, what would it take to get twenty million Australians
to do the same?

A case of beer buried in the same desert.

+++

The Australians have replaced "God Save the Queen" with a new national
anthem: It goes "A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred
bottles of beers ..."

+++

In Britain they have the House of Lords and the House of Commons--
In Australia they have a brothel and a garbage can.

+++

What do you call an Australian with an IQ of twenty?

Tasmanian.

+++

And with an IQ above one hundred?

An aborigine.

+++

They have a new poster out to build Australian pride.  It says:
Australia--Land of Strong Men (and Nervous Sheep)

+++

What's a Tasmanian devil?

An Australian in heat.

+++

Australian bumper sticker:  Western Australia, we're doing it! (with
sheep)

+++
==========
Date:         Mon, 26 Jul 1993 08:16:16 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <Hogne.Sandvik@ISF.UIB.NO>
Organization: University of Bergen
Subject:      Albino

In a remote African village, an albino child was born to one
of the many wives of the Chief. The Chief was very angry and
straight away he went to see the Christian Priest who was the
only white man for hundreds of miles. He tried to explain to
the Chief how an albino child comes about. But the Chief was
not having any of his genetics.  Just then the Priest noticed
some sheep grazing in a nearby field and to emphasise his
point he showed him the only black sheep in the field among
hundreds of white ones.
"OK! OK!" said the black chief.
"I no tell, you no tell!"
==========
Date:         Mon, 26 Jul 1993 07:25:16 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Before I tell you <Mulla's wit & wisdom>

EATING TOO MUCH SUGAR

  When Nasrudin was a magistrate, a woman came to him with her son.
"This youth," she said, "eats too much sugar; I cannot afford to
keep him in it.  Therefore I ask you formally to forbid him to eat
it, as he will not obey me."

  Nasrudin told her to come back in seven days.

  When she returned, he postponed his decision for yet another
week.

  "Now," he said to the youth, "I forbid you eat more than such and
such a quantity of sugar every day."

  The woman subsequently asked him why so time had been necesary
before a simple order could be given.

  "Because, madam, I had to see whether I myself could cut down on
the use of sugar, before ordering anyone else to do it."


THE BITTEN EAR

  Two men came before Nasrudin when he was acting in his capacity
of magistrate.  One said, "The man has bitten my ear--I demand
compensation."  The other said, "He bit it himself."  Nasrudin
adjourned the case and withdrew to his chambers. There he spent
half an hour trying to bite his own ear.  All that he succeeded in
doing was falling over in the attempt, and bruising his forehead.
Then he returned to the courtroom.

  "Examine the man whose ear was bitten," he ordered.  "If his
forehead is bruised, he did it himself, and the case is dismissed.
If not, the other one did it, and the bitten man is compensated
with three silver pieces."

  The right verdict had been arrived at by seemingly illogical
methods.
==========
Date:         Mon, 26 Jul 1993 08:16:59 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      HP Cafeteria Part 2/2 (Computer Humor PG)

Subject: HP Cafeteria. Part#2
Lines: 76
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG
=============
"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
"Thats not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in
again. "Thats not a supported configuration."
"What now ?" I kept my voice steady.
"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."
"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."

The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but thats not
supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box. The
sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being
beta-tested, sir."

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French
followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries ?" I turned
to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."

I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." This confused
the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for
series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a
standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I
didn't ask.

"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off belief. "Your meal is now
on order. Now how would you like it supported ?" "Support ?" She directed me
to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with
my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.

"Implementation assistance ?"

"You get a waiter."

"Implementation analysis ?"

You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

"Response Center Support ?"

"He brings it to your table."

"Extended materials ?"

"You get refills."

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my
check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the table,
and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table ? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't
been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching in
his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said "Two weeks. But I
can get you a standalone chair by the window right away."

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile
and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to
grow dim, my eyesight faded...

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM, four
hours till my meeting with HP.

I had had a vision, I did what it told me to do.

I dialed my office, and I called in sick.
==============

Hi, Folks!

Was it FUNNY? If it was, check for new Computer Humor stories
in the HUMOR conference!!!!!!!!!

Tsa. (Alex Tsekhansky)
==========
Date:         Mon, 26 Jul 1993 08:33:38 -0600
From:         Evelyn Clement <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      favorite signs

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

(Saw this at my dentist's office:
I believe that God put me on earth to accomplish a number, a certain number, of
things.  Right now, I am so far behind that I will NEVER die!
==========
Date:         Mon, 26 Jul 1993 07:39:22 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Textbook (G)

From Reader's Digest:

As new students at Suffolk University Law School in Boston,
many of us were unfamiliar with the campus and consequently
late for class.  One professor, however, was particularly
intolerant of tardiness, making it clear that no excuse
would be acceptable.  So when a student stumbled into his
class one morning late, we expected the worst.

Obviously upset, the professor demanded the reason for the
student's tardiness.  "I was waiting on line to buy your
new textbook," she replied nervously.

Gazing out at the rest of the class, the professor asked,
"Well, why weren't the rest of you late?"

==========
Date:         Mon, 26 Jul 1993 09:47:06 -0400
From:         Suzanne Bury <sbury@CCE.CORNELL.EDU>
Subject:      Light Bulbs (fwd)

Thought you humor netters would like this.  I was posted on a list that
was getting too heavy and needed to be "lightened" up a bit.

Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1993 19:19:47 CDT
From: Daniel S OConnell <dsoconne@MIDWAY.UCHICAGO.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list UUS-L <UUS-L@UBVM.cc.buffalo.edu>
Subject: Light Bulbs

I thought some people might find the following reminiscent...

        >From: bzs@ussr.std.com (Barry Shein)
        >Subject: Re: My Life As A Lightbulb

No no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to change
a lightbulb?

A1. Define "change"

A2. How do you know the lightbulb is out?

A3. Don't use the word "posters" to describe us, it's offensive to
large sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls.

A4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take it
elsewhere.

A5. I think it's perfectly appropriate, this is alt.fan.lightbulbs.

A6. Well, that's because you're a twit.

A7. Who are you calling a "twit"? Besides, you spelled "twit" wrong.

A8. Oh? And how exactly do *you* spell "twit", twit?

A9. Could you two take this to e-mail? Doesn't anyone want to talk
about lightbulb fans instead of flaming?

A10. You're a twit also, who died and made you net.cop?

A11. Look, all of you, take it to alt.flame or e-mail or something.

A12. Hey, USENET is an anarchy, you have no right to tell them what to
post or not post.

A13. Speaking of anarchists, why don't you all vote for Andre Marrou,
Libertarian Party Candidate for President?

A14. Because the Libertarians are all twits.

A15. Waitaminit! Now we're arguing politics on alt.fan.lightbulb????

A16. Stop wasting bandwidth with this stuff!

A17. What "stuff" pray tell?

A18. Yikes! It's dark in here!

A19. Define "dark".

A20. I mean the lightbulb must be out.

A21. So change it.

A22. Define "change"...
==========
Date:         Mon, 26 Jul 1993 10:02:05 -0500
From:         Cheryl Causey <S72UCAU@TOWSONVX.BITNET>
Subject:      Silly (G)

                What do you call a rabbit sitting on your face?

                Unsightly facial hare. (har de har har)

==========
Date:         Mon, 26 Jul 1993 14:59:22 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      hunky hurricane (innuendo); naive politican; gentle rural humor.

Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
A: Hang on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job


A politician, wishing to emphasise the naivety and immaturity of
an opponent, said that he had had a fire in his house and library,
which sadly had destroyed both  of his books, one of  which he
hadn't even coloured in yet.
 (quoted in "Think of a Number", by Michael Lines)

More "Tail Corn, from "The Countryman":-

Veteran singer in a Lancashire chapel choir, to nervous new member:
"Tha'll be aw reet lad. When ah guz oop tha guz oop, and' when ah
guz down, tha guz down'.

Village chorister: 'I binna very good at sight readin', specially them runs.
I sees the note a-comin', but afore I can get 'im, 'e's gone by'.

Somerset Villager to church-goer: " 'Ave  vicar started readin' Genesis
yet? "E 'ave? Then I mun get my beans in this week".

Garner's small boy, to lady of the house, on the Scottish border:
"Ma feyther says I mauna walk in the garden when the gentry is here.
Will ye tell me, is it here the noo?"
..............................................................................

Traditional Scottish joke:

Sinner crying out to the Lord on being cast into eternal fire, and finding
out how bad it really is: "Lord Lord, I didna ken, I didna ken!"

The Lord: "Well, tha kens the noo!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Mon, 26 Jul 1993 09:50:15 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Spellchecker (clean)

I wish the following were original with me but it isn't.  It was printed in
the University of Arizona's NEWSLETTER, and was attributed to Penney Harper,
a student at Purdue.

        SPELLBOUND

        I have a spelling checker
        It came with my PC;
        It plainly marks four my revue
        Mistakes I cannot sea.
        I've run this poem threw it
        I'm sure your pleased too no
        It's letter perfect in it's weigh.
        My checker tolled me sew.

==========
Date:         Mon, 26 Jul 1993 15:19:55 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Shaggy dog story; rated G

Apologies if this has been on the list before I joined:

A husband and wife snake want to have little baby snakelets, but alas,
cannot. They ask the wise old owl of the forest what to do. "Go to the
clearing where the round-headed humans go," the wise old owl said, "and
sleep on their picnic tables for a month." The snakes say, "That sounds so
silly! Are you sure it will work?" The wise old owl assures them it will.
Well, she IS the wise old owl, so the snakes try her remedy for barrenness.
Sure enough, after a week of sleeping on the picnic tables, they lay their
eggs and happy little snake babies are ahtched. The snakes go back to the
wise old owl and exclaimed, "Well, you were absolutely right! How did you
know that would work?"
        "Don't be silly," replied the wise old owl, "everyone knows log
tables make adders multiply!"

Since I have a few more lines left, here are 2 more shaggy dog jokes: (Why
do we call them that, anyway?)

Kermit the Frog wants to buy a birthday present for Miss Piggy. He's afraid
with Piggy's extravagant tastes that he can't afford to buy a worthy present,
so he goes to the bank for a loan. He fills out the application and sits down
with the loan officer, Mr. Charles Paddiwack. The loan officer reviews his
application and says, "Well, Mr. Kermit, I know you're a pretty big star in
this town, but I'm afraid you haven't managed your money very well. Your credit
is in such bad shape I'll have to ask for some collateral from you. What do you
have for collateral?" Kermit thinks a moment and says, "Well, I have a pair of
Hummels...they're unique, from the 19th century...I guess I'll put those down
as collateral; they've been appraised and all." Now, our hero Paddiwack is
ashamed to admit to a FROG that he doesn't know what Hummels are, so he stalls
Kermit while he goes into the bank manager's office. "Miss Martinez!" he ex-
claims. "We have our first celebrity customer! Kermit the Frog is applying
for a loan!"
        "Well, of course you're going to give him the loan, aren't you?" she
says. "Well," he replies, "I can't, ma'am, because I can't approve this
credit history without your signature. He wants to put down a couple of HUMMELS
as collateral! I have no idea what that is! Do you know what Hummels are?"
        "Of course I do," Miss Martinez says smoothly. "It's a knickknack,
Paddiwack--give the frog a loan!"
*****************************************************************************
Mel Famey is a fireballing pitcher with the {fill in your team}. He is like
Steve Howe--terrorizing opposing hitters when he's good, but he has a drinking
problem, and horrible when he's drunk or hung over. You never know which Mel
Famey is going to show up on the mound that day.
        Anyway, one year he gets his act together enough to pitch his team right
into the World Series! He wins Game 1....and he loses Game 4....and like so
many World Series are wont to do these days, this one goes seven games and
Famey is scheduled to pitch Game 7. The pressure is enormous, and he can't
stand it any more. He goes out and gets blind drunk the night before the
biggest start of his life. He wakes up with this wicked hangover, which he
nurses with some "hair of the dog"--a few cans of beer. He brings the rest
of the 6-pack to the park.
        So there he is on the mound, the score is tied 1-1 going into the
top of the 9th...and Famey WALKS the first 4 batters he faces, walking in the
would-be winning run! The manager is so furious he goes to pull Famey out of
the game and smells the beer on his breath. "You been drinkin' again, you
alky SOB?! You're gonna cost me a World Series!!" And the manager storms back
into the dugout, finds the beer and is so mad he drop-kicks it across the
infield, where it rolls into the opposing dugout and an opposing player bends to
pick it up. The opposing manager says, "No! Wait! Don't throw that away!...
That's the beer that made Mel Famey walk us!"

Beth "I'm Not a Beer Drinker But I Play One on TV" Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
Where the jokes just keep on comin....
==========
Date:         Mon, 26 Jul 1993 16:02:47 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <mthompso@NALUSDA.GOV>
Subject:      More poly-linguistic humor (vulgar)

Someone I know has the habit of saying "Yeah, but,  Yeah, but,  Yeah, but,"
whenever she wishes to interject an opposing view.  When I heard that,
I told her not to say it around a Russian-speaking person.  If I remember
correctly from my university days, the Russian and Polish verbs are similar.
Jebac in Polish and ebat' in Russian (LC transliteration) are the
infinitives "to fuck".

----------------------

A local meat wholesaler that has been in the business for years has the
slogan "You can't beat our meat."  To beat one's meat is slang for "to
masturbate."

Bye for now.
==========
Date:         Mon, 26 Jul 1993 19:37:19 PST
Comments:     HW1      CPAPLANU 07/26/93 19:37:43 HW1SMTP
From:         Chuck Paplanus <HW1.CPAPLANU@HW1.CAHWNET.GOV>
Subject:      SYSTEMS & PROGRAMMING POSITION QUALIFICATIONS

     MANAGER III                 - Leaps tall buildings with a single
                                   bound, is more powerful than a
                                   locomotive, is faster than a speeding
                                   bullet, walks on water amid typhoons,
                                   GIVES POLICY TO GOD.

     MANAGER II                  - Leaps short buildings with a single
                                   bound, is more powerful than a switch
                                   engine, walks on water if the sea is
                                   calm, talks with God.

     MANAGER I                   - Leaps short buildings with a running
                                   start, and if the wind is favorable
                                   is almost as powerful as a switch
                                   engine, is faster than a speeding
                                   BB, can walk on water in indoor
                                   swimming pools, talks with God if
                                   memo is approved.

     STAFF SYSTEMS ANALYST       - Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug
                                   of war with locomotive, can fire a
                                   speeding bullet, swims well, is ocas-
                                   sionally addressed by God.

     Associate Systems Analyst   - Makes high marks when trying to leap
                                   buildings, is run over by locomotives,
                                   can sometimes handle a gun without
                                   inflicting self injury, dog paddles,
                                   talks to animals.

     programmer                  - Runs into buildings, recognizes
                                   locomotives two out of three times,
                                   is not issued ammunition, can stay
                                   afloat if properly instructed in the
                                   Mae West, talks to walls.

     data tech supervisor        - Falls over doorsteps when trying to
                                   enter buildings, says look at the choo-
                                   choo, wets him/herself, plays in mud
                                   puddles, mumbles to him/herself.

     DATA TECH                   - Lifts buildings and walks under them,
                                   kicks locomotives or the tracks, catches
                                   speeding bullets with his/her teeth and
                                   eats them, freezes water with a
                                   single glance, HE/SHE IS GOD....

==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 11:56:37 LCL
From:         LEUSCHNE <LEUSCHNE@DULRUU51.BITNET>
Subject:      Shaggy dog story; rated G - Alternative

I found a similar one somewhere (can't remember, where):


You know the story of Noah's Ark, of course.  Well, after the flood
when the ark came to rest on Ararat, Noah released all the animals,
and held a meeting and explained to them that the Lord wanted them to
be fruitful and multiply and repopulate the earth.  Then he sent them
out about it.  In a week he went around to check on things.  Well, the
place was humming with activity:  the insects had all reproduced of
course, so there were flies, mosquitos, bees, and so on, and the small
animals like the mice and hamsters were pregnant, the birds were building
nests, and the other animals were getting about the courting process,
all except the two snakes, down by the stream in a swampy bit no one else
wanted.  They were just lying there, curled up on two rocks in the sun.
"Hey, be fruitful and multiply!"  Noah told them.  The male snake raised
his head and said, "Don't sweat it!"  So Noah went back to his business.

A couple of weeks later Noah made another trip around.  Well, the insects
were into the third generation already, and the place was fairly hopping
with baby hamsters, mice, bunnies, and so on.  The cat and the dog were
both pregnant, and the birds were all sitting clutches of eggs.  Even
some of the larger animals were showing signs of mating.  All but the snakes.
The only sign of activity there was the two had changed rocks.
Noah again enjoined them to get with it.  "
male snake assured him.

A few weeks later Noah again made the rounds.  Bmals.  Almost all the larg
anils were pregna
nt by now, and many birds had hatched, there was
a litter of kittens, and the dog was expecting her litter any minute.
Noah however hurried down to the stream to see the snakes.  He found them
chopping down trees, sawing the wood into logs and building furniture!
"Will you two get with it!"  He said.  "Don't sweat it, everything is under
control!"  The male snake replied.

Well, a few weeks later Noah again took a look around.  By now even the
elephant was pregnant, and the place was alive with baby animals.  But
again Noah hurried down to check on those snakes.  When he got there,
the area around the stream was positively wiggling with baby snakes.

Which of course proves that ANYBODY can multiply with log tables!
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 06:05:17 MST
Comments:     Resent-From: APUCORLE@IDBSU
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Lawyer Quote (G)

"To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules
of the country.  We're all throwing the dice, playing the game,
moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem
the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the
top of the box."
                      - Jerry Seinfeld

From:         Bernadette C Himaras <bch@SEMCOR.COM>
Subject:      On a coffee mug

I'm 40
(too bad my hair couldn't be here to share this great day)
--
Bernadette Himaras
Email: bch@warm.semcor.com
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 08:34:31 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Are You a Techno-Dweeb? (The TEST) (PG)

Hi, folks!
Today I have a test for you. Do you recognize yourself or your friends?

Subject: Are You a Techno-Dweeb? (The TEST)
Lines:   71
Group:   Techno-Dweeb related
Rated:   PG
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                     ARE YOU A TECHNO-DWEEB?

Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities?
 Many do.  Take the following test to see if you are compulsive.
 If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with
 Techno-Dweeb.  If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a
 Techno-Dweeb.  Do not despair!  There is help!  You are not alone!
 Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number
 in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody
 right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling
 passes.

         YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TECHNO-DWEEB WHEN...

When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you
 reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"

When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and
 you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see
 if you can raise CD.

When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up
 sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".

When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her,
 "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in
 co-processor."

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32
 bits.

When you have to go to the bathroom, but you wait until bladder
 meltdown, since "goto" is bad programming style.

When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve
 eye-hand coordination.

When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a
 crash, and you correct him that a backup is good protection
 in case of a crash.

When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive
 to your machines.

When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.

When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.

When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and
 you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintoshes'."

When your wife says "IF you don't turn off that damn machine and
 come to bed, THEN I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise
 her for for omitting the ELSE clause.

Tree (I'd Rather Be CRAY-ing!)

=END=
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 07:45:02 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Sign (clean)

Seen behind a secretary's desk:

                Of course
                I don't look
                 as busy as
                the men....
                 I do it
                right the
                first time.

==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 08:55:23 -0400
From:         Patti Johnson <johnson@MICRONET.WCU.EDU>
Subject:      more coffee mugs

Thanks, Bernadette for reminding me of one of my favorite sources of humor!

Coffee mug #1:  I'm fat & you're ugly.  But I can go on a diet.

Coffee mug #2:  (a Larson creation)... 'angel' sitting on a cloud, complete
                with halo & wings.  The thought bubble reads: "I wish I'd
                brought a magazine"
patti
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 09:33:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      nun joke (mild R for punch line language

this nun walks into a liquor store and asks the clerk for a pint of whiskey.
the clerk, being a devout catholic, says, "uh, sister, are you sure that you
really want to buy this?  this is pretty strong stuff!"

the nun assures the clerk that it is intended for medicinal purposes only,
completes the purchase and leaves the store.

about 1/2 hour later, the nun is back, visibly wobbly, and orders another
pint of whiskey.

this time the clerk is feeling very bad about making this, particular sale,
but figures that he should mind his own business.

another hour passes, and the same nun comes staggering back into the store
and asks for yet ANOTHER pint!

the clerk feels that he can no longer excuse this kind of behaviour from a
nun, and this time he protests:  "sister!  you told me that this whiskey is
for medicinal purposes only but i KNOW that YOU are drinking it!"

the nun replies, "oooooooh, butit iiiiz fer mudisnl pu(urp)rposes!  see,
mother superior is constra.. contra.. constipated, and when she sees me,
she'll just SHIT!"

:)

be seeing you,

oxo

"sister, i know you've told me that this whiskey is
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 09:52:27 EDT
From:         Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject:      Daffynition of a Cow (Rated G)

I found this daffynition about 5 years ago. The author is unkown.

                 THE ARMY'S DEFINITION OF A COW

A COW IS A COMPLETELY AUTOMATED MILK MANUFACTURING MACHINE.

IT'S ENCASED IN UNTANNED LEATHER AND MOUNTED ON FOUR VERTICAL
MOVEABLE SUPPORTS, ONE ON EACH CORNER.

THE FRONT END CONTAINS: THE CUTTING AND GRINDING MECHANISM, AS
WELL AS, LIGHT SENSORS, AIR INLET AND EXHAUST, BUMPER AND A FOG
HORN.

THE REAR END CONTAINS: THE DISPENSING APPARATUS AND AUTOMATIC FLY
SWATTER.

THE CENTRAL SECTION HOUSES AN HYDRO-CHEMICAL CONVERSION PLANT.
THIS CONSISTS OF FOUR FERMENTATION AND STORAGE TANKS, AN INTE-
GRATED NETWORK, WHICH IS CONNECTED TO THE REAR DISPENSING UNIT.


IN BRIEF THE EXTREMELY VISIBLE FEATURES ARE;

2 LOOKERS, 2 HOOKERS, 4 STANDER-UPPERS, 4 HANGER-DOWNERS AND A
SWISSY-WISSY.
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 10:12:08 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      project management


> Buzz Word Easy Reference Guide
>
> Essentially complete...
> Half done.
>
> Impact being determined...
> Where the hell are we?
>
> We predict...
> We hope to God!
>
> Drawing release is lagging...
> Not a single drawing exists
>
> Risk is high, but acceptable...
> 100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we
> may have a 50/50 chance.
>
> Is producing increasingly good
> It can now be read with the copies... naked eye.
>
> Schedule resolution has a high priority
> When we get around to it ... we'll find out where we are.
>
> Potential show stopper...
> All program teams have updated their resumes.
>
> Serious, but not insurmountables, problems...
> It will take a miracle.  God should be the program manager.
>
> Basic agreement, however...
> The S.O.B.s won't even talk to each other.
>
> Results are being quantified...
> We are massaging the numbers so they'll agree without conclusion.
>
> Very difficult to maintain the field...
> The bill of laden should call out 3 service reps to be shipped with each
> unit.
>
> Task force to review...
> Gathering 7 incompetents for a decision.
>
> Not well defined...
> Nobody's thought about it.
>
> Requires further analysis and management attention....
> Totally out of control
>
> Appears to be attainable...
> It will take a miracle.
>
> Less than expected....
> Bombed out.
>
> This is high risk program....
> No way we can make launch.
>
> Schedule exposed...
> We slipped three weeks ago.
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 09:40:02 PDT
From:         Marty Kuhrt <marty@SPISYS.TTISMS.COM>
Subject:      Why shaggy dog?

Why do they call them shaggy dog stories? The explanation I heard stated
that that style of story (the long winded tale with the groaner ending)
originated with the following.
---
For context, this story dates from the depression era.
---
A hobo is walking from the soup kitchen to the railroad yards to catch a
freight out of town. Wedged in the floorboards of the boxcar he is riding
is a flyer for a lost dog. The flyer states that the prized family sheepdog
has gone missing, and there is a five hundred dollar reward offered for the
return of this dog. ($500 then would be about $10k now, roughly)  The flyer
is about a month old and from a city over 600 miles down the line, so
he thinks nothing of it. Just then a sheepdog matching the description
wanders through the railyard just as the train the hobo is on starts to
leave. He jumps off the train, runs across the yard, narrowly misses getting
hit by another freight, dives on the dog, sprints back across the yard, and
barely catches the last box car on the train out. Days and weeks pass as the
hobo struggles across state after state, mile after mile of cross country
travelling with the sheepdog in tow. { at this point in the story, the person
telling the story adds volumes of detail about the various harrowing
experiences the hobo encounters on the way } Finally arriving in the
destination city the hobo locates the address mentioned on the flyer.
It's a huge mansion in the upscale side of town. The hobo walks to the front
door, and rings the bell. The butler opens the door, looks down at the dog
and says, "Heavens No! He wasn't _THAT_ shaggy." and slams the door.
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 10:59:23 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  1.V       A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

New Xerox copier wreaks havoc
New Xerox copier wreaks havoc
by Pete Repeat

   Xerox officials held an emergency press conference Thursday to announce
a total recall of all Reprotron 5000 Three-Dimensional Copy Machines.
   Xerox stock has plummeted to a new all-time low since the release of the
innovative device.  Xerox hailed the Reprotron 5000 as a "new revolution
in copying" when it introduced the machine just two weeks ago, and market
insiders were certain that the copier would send Xerox stock through the roof.
   At a demonstration of the Reprotron in August, Xerox staffers made full
three-dimensional copies of an Oriental vase, a bowl of fruit, and a perfect
red rose.  Reporters were invited to sample apples and oranges copied from
the original fruit, though Xerox technicians did warn that the copied fruit
might taste slightly of toner.  John Thompson (inventor of the Reprotron)
stepped forward to make a copy of a Manhattan phone book, but accidentally
copied his hand and forearm.  He quickly disposed of the highly detailed,
frantically wiggling half-limb as it slid out of the copier's delivery slot.
   But Xerox wasn't ready for what happened next.  "We assumed that people
would behave as responsible, thinking human beings with this copier, and
obviously we were wrong," Thompson states.  From all across the USA, reports
have been filing in of the copier being used in what Thompson calls "sick, greedy ways."
   At a Copy Center in Austin, Texas, a couple was arrested for making 15
copies of their three-year-old son, Jeremy, and then refusing to pay for
the copies, claiming that some of the new children were "smudged."  Local
authorities were uncertain as to which charges should be pressed.
   In Union City, Arizona, Treasury Department officials are investigating
reports of a secretary who allegedly copied a single bar of gold bullion
150 times.  A task force investigator stated, "Granted, it takes money to
make money, but we're almost certain that this action is in violation of some laws."
   Xerox officials are also under fire from consumers, due to rumors that
the three-dimensional copying technology is imperfect.  Harold Butz of Peoria,
Pennsylvania, made a copy of a common cement brick spray-painted gold.  Butz
claims he was "shocked and dismayed" when he discovered that the machine-made
copy was 22-karat solid gold.  "All I wanted was a really good copy of a
cement brick spray-painted gold'" Butz stated.  "What the hell am I going
to do with this thing?"
   Xerox plans to scrap all the machines they are able to recall, but Thompson
expressed concern over the so-called "black market Reprotrons."
   "Apparently some sick and greedy people discovered that if they had two
machines, they could use one to make a working copy of the other," Thompson
revealed.  "To tell the truth, we only sold two machines in all - to the
Cappelli family, a New Jersey based Meat packing firm.  These copy pirates
should be aware that as with anything that is copied from a copy and so on,
there are bound to be defects in the copies produced.  We have no idea what
kind of stuff will pop out of the slot when a person copies something on
a fourth- or fifth-generation machine."  Thompson declined to comment on
reports that hundreds of the pirated machines have a human thumb attached
to the coin slot which constantly wiggles - the result of a person's thumb
getting in the way during one of the original copier-to-copier copies.
   "Ultimately, we're not too worried," Thompson stated.  "People owning
the copiers will eventually run out of the fluid that make the machine work,
and we've taken all the fluid off the market.  A machine can only last two
weeks or so without a fluid refill, and there won't be any fluid refills."
 When asked why people with copiers couldn't simply make copies of the fluid
cannisters they already have, Xerox officials hastily ended the press conference,
stating that they "need to reconsider a few things."
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 11:59:46 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      STUPID JOKES

Famous Books Never Written

50 yards to the Out House by Willie Makit and illustrated by Betty Wont
The Yellow River by I.P. Daily
Over the mountaintop by Hugo First
The Nude Beach by Seymour Hair
The Nudist Colony by Seymour Skin
The Numbers Game by Cal Q. Later
Chinese Castration by Won Hong Low
Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butts
Sliding Down a Banister by Dick Burns
Rusty Bed Springs by I.P. Freeley
Spots on the Wall by Who Flung Poo
Over-Populated China by Wee Fukum Yung
Spot on the Wall by Mister Completely
Blood River by Kotex Kid
Losing My Virginity by Willie Douet

Any More?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a hooker with braces?
--Black n Decker Pecker Wrecker

What would be the worst thing that could happen if Hilary died?
--Bill would become president

What do Chris Weber and Michael Jordan have in common?
--They both helped North Carolina win a National Championship

What's white and 10 inches long?
--Nothing

What is the new motto of the Marines?
--We're looking for a few cute men

Yo Momma is so stupid that she thought a quarterback was a refund.
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 14:38:32 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      MORE BOOKS

TRAILS IN THE SAND -----PETER DRAGON
FALLING OFF A CLIFF-------EILEEN DOVER
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 15:19:52 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <mthompso@NALUSDA.GOV>
Subject:      MORE BOOKS (cont'd)

The Complete Proctologist's Handbook --- Ben Dover
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 15:33:00 EDT
From:         "Michael B. Smith" <MBS116@PSUVM.BITNET>
Subject:      more books

French Birth Control by Jacque TuTight
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 13:31:09 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      MORE BOOKS

The Joys of Drinking by Al Coholic
My Life with Igor by Frank N. Stein
Supporting Athletes by Jacques Strappe
I Was Prepared by Justin Case
Oriental Sexuality by Hang Ing Lo
Overpopulation in Hawaii by Kamon Yawanaleime (or Aywanaleiya)
Spot on the Wall by Who Flung Dung
Green Spots on the Wall by Picken and Flicken
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 15:13:00 CDT
From:         "PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU" <PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU>
Subject:      more books

Fire At The Watergate by Berndt Barker
Sex And The Single Dog by Kanyns Tuck
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 17:33:12 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Bawdy humor (3 examples)

There are four types of orgasms:

  The positive orgasm:    "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!"

  The negative orgasm:    "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!"

  The spiritual orgasm:   "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!"

  The fake orgasm:        "Oh Jeff, Ohh Jefff, OH JEFFF!"

Subject: Bar's bathroom graffiti

  "Jesus is the answer!"

  (Followed by,  in different handwriting:)
  "What is the question?"

  (In a third person's handwriting:)
  "Who is the brother of Felipe and Matty Alou?"

  (Note: The Alous are three famous professional baseball
playing brothers).

Subject: Ode to sunrise

  Dawn breaks sky
  Waves break shore
  Birdcalls break silence
  Fish breaks water
  I break wind.

==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 22:04:47 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Proctology

On Tue, 27 Jul 1993, Mike Thompson wrote:

> The Complete Proctologist's Handbook --- Ben Dover

This reminded me of a cartoon in an ancient issue of New Yorker:  At a
cocktail party, two guys are discussing the couple sitting on the sofa:
"They're a perfectly matched couple: he's a proctologist, and she's a pain
in the ass."
==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Jul 1993 12:19:00 GMT
From:         Terri Tobias <TOBIAST%A1%MSA@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject:      STUPID JOKES

Famous Books Never Written

50 yards to the Out House by Willie Makit
The Nude Beach by Seymour Hair
Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butts
Sliding Down a Banister by Dick Burns
Rusty Bed Springs by I.P. Freeley
Spots on the Wall by Who Flung Poo
Over-Populated China by Wee Fukum Yung
Spot on the Wall by Mister Completely


What do you call a hooker with braces?
--Black n Decker Pecker Wrecker

What would be the worst thing that could happen if Hilary died?
--Bill would become president

What's white and 10 inches long?
--Nothing

What is the new motto of the Marines?
--We're looking for a few cute men

Yo Momma is so stupid that she thought a quarterback was a refund.
==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Jul 1993 12:20:00 GMT
From:         Terri Tobias <TOBIAST%A1%MSA@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject:      Bawdy humor (3 examples)

More books.......

  "Trails in the sand"  --  Peter Dragon
  "Green Spon on the Wall"  --  Picken & Flicken
  "The Complete Proctologists Handbook"  --  Ben Dover
==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Jul 1993 07:16:00 MDT
From:         Spit Bounces <TFIELD@UNMB.BITNET>
Subject:      Books and Authors

The Hemorrhoid Handbook by Dr. Dewey Lancelot
==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Jul 1993 08:39:26 -0700
From:         "S., James" <JAMES@UCRAC1.UCR.EDU>
Subject:      wedding

From:   SMTP%"OS2-L@HEARN.nic.SURFnet.nl" 27-JUL-1993 17:38:03.69
To:     JAMES
CC:
Subj:   Bill Gates' wedding

Date:         Tue, 27 Jul 1993 12:04:00 EDT
Sender:       IBM OS/2 Unedited Discussion List <OS2-L@HEARN.nic.SURFnet.nl>
Comments:     Sysop's husband
From:         Dimitri Vulis <dlv@BWALK.DM.COM>
Organization: Brighton Beach Boardwalk BBS, Forest Hills, N.Y.
Subject:      Bill Gates' wedding
To:           Multiple recipients of list OS2-L <OS2-L@HEARN.nic.SURFnet.nl>

tman@cnd.hp.com (Jeff Thiemann) writes:
> ... Bill Gates's wedding night will be less than blissful for his new bride
>
> She will find out why his company is named Microsoft.

And what about the 3.5" floppy fetish?

---
dlv@bwalk.dm.com (Dimitri Vulis)
Brighton Beach Boardwalk BBS, Forest Hills, N.Y.: +1-718-261-2013, 14.4Kbps
==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Jul 1993 09:36:46 MST
Comments:     Resent-From: APUCORLE@IDBSU
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Cover Up (G)

From Reader's Digest:

An aunt of mine kept a hat by her front door, and whenever
the doorbell rang, she would put it on.  If it was someone
she wished to see, she would remark how lucky it was that
she had just come in.  If it was someone she wanted to avoid,
she would say how sorry she was, but she was just going out.

==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Jul 1993 10:05:08 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      more books/other joke/pg-13

What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and a fag?
--Megasoranus.

More Books:
Small Treasures in the Toilet Bowl by I.P. Nickels
Russian Torture by W.H.O. Bityourcockoff
Secrets of Oral Sex by Heywood Jablomey
Caulking Made Easy by Phil McKrevis
What Makes a Good Thief by Ian Yerhous
The Female Body by Mike Hunt
Waiting in Line for the Bathroom by Ivana Tinkle

50 years in the saddle by Major Asburn
Hole in the Bed by Mister Completely
Antlers in the Treetops by Who Goosed the Moose
(Those last three were compliments of Michael Miller)

Laters.  Jill
==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Jul 1993 14:15:24 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Product Announcement

Hi, Folks!
This is the next one, -< Product Announcement >-
Do you REALLY think, it's about computer system?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                         World Wide Product Announcement

  LAFAYETTE, IN -- November 9, 1991 -- After nine months of intense
development, Curry & Curry are proud to announce the newest model in their
product line, the Sean Mason.

FEATURES

  The Sean Mason represents the current state of the art, including such
advanced features as a neural-network-based central processing unit (CPU),
short- and long-term on-line data storage (memory), and a self-learning,
self-teaching operating system with automatic heuristic development, error
detection, and error correction.

  The Sean Mason also comes equipped with a variety of peripherals including
two five-digit manipulators which can also function as small arithmetic
processing units (APUs); an input port that will accept data in liquid
formats (solid formats are under development); two output ports for liquid
and solid data formats; one variable-volume, variable-pitch audio output
device; two audio input devices with 20-20,000 Hz frequency response; two
video input devices which may be used independently or combined for stereo
vision tasks; and self-propulsion.

  The initial operating system shipped with the Sean Mason is primitive, and
will require a good deal of instruction from the end user.  Fortunately,
most end users find this instruction process very self-rewarding.  As the
neural network becomes more adept at simple tasks, the operating system
rapidly becomes capable of self-modification, resulting in a greatly
increased rate of development.  During this time, the operating system will
devise and conduct numerous experiments, some of which may be hazardous or
otherwise undesirable.  When the unit enters this mode, the TIMEOUT and SPANK
debuggers may prove useful for correcting the problem.

DIAGNOSTICS

  CRY, an audible alarm indication, is triggered upon input queue underflow
or output queue overflow.  As the operating system accumlates more data, it
eventually develops automatic input and output queue length regulation.
SMILE, a visible alarm indication, is triggered upon underflow or overflow
rectification, and also as a general sign of the unit's proper functioning.
BURP, another audible alarm, indicates successful processing of available
input.

OPERATIONAL NOTES

  When the video input peripherals are covered, this indicates that the unit
is in its idle loop, used for automatic recharging.  Initial recharging
periods are short and irregular, but gradually they become regular, lasting
for approximately 8 of every 24 hours.  Termination of recharging mode may
raise the CRY alarm condition.

  After inital unpacking, the unit will require input every two to three hours.
After input processing has been completed, one or both output devices may be
activated.  Presence of output may be signalled by the CRY alarm condition.

CAUTION

  The appearance of the unit, which reflects the current state of the art in
exterior packaging, may cause irrational behavior in adults.  This behavior
is typified by "oohs", "aahs", and incomprehensible utterances commonly
referred to as "baby talk".

SPECIFICATIONS

        Length:         19.5 inches
        Weight:         8 lbs 1 oz

AVAILABILITY

  The prototype Sean Mason unit began functioning at 1:22pm EST today.

STATUS

  The production staff, although tired, are well and happy.

-------------------------------------------------------------- 23

HUMOR024
========
Date:         Wed, 28 Jul 1993 14:05:56 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Sign (clean)

Seen on the wall behind a receitionist's desk:

                My life is
                filled with
                 Romance,
                  Danger,
                 Lust...,
              and dust balls
                the size of
                        cantaloupes!

==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Jul 1993 13:52:36 PDT
From:         Dennis Clouse <ISCDEC@UCCVMA.BITNET>
Subject:      The Statues (vulgarity)

  There's a statue, in a small community park, of a guy and a girl,
nude, embracing passionately.
  The Fairy Godmother drops in for a visit, and touches each with her
magic wand, bringing each of them to life.
  She says,"You two have brought so much enjoyment to this community
over the decades, I have decided to reward you both with the gift of
life ... for ONE HOUR".
  They take one look at each other, and vanish into the nearby bushes.
  Half an hour of flying twigs, dust, (etc.) later, they emerge
from the bushes.
  "Wow!", he says, "That was _really_ good for me. How about you?"
  "Yes!", she says, "That's something I've always wanted to do!"
  "Wait a minute!", says the Fairy Godmother, "You've only been gone a
half hour. You still have 30 minutes left".
  He looks at the girl, and says, "Wanna do it again?"
  She replies, "Absolutely ... only this time, _YOU_ hold the pigeons
down, and let _ME_ shit on them!"
==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Jul 1993 15:57:34 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      Hard times

Hey, things are tough out there. Driving out of Los Vegas, I saw a hooker by
the side of the road with the sign, "Will Screw for Food."

Then there are the psycho lawyers.  One of them spray painted on the side of
his firm's building, "Stop me before I sue again."

                                        --Ed Johnson
                                          University of Alabama
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 12:09:01 +0100
From:         S Ramchandran <S.Ramchandran@REA2102.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      bumpersticker

LETS NOT MEET BY ACCIDENT
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 08:00:03 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Dead or alive <the Mulla's logic>

DEAD OR ALIVE: The Mulla tests the limits of logic

  The Mulla was thinking aloud:  "How do I know whether I'm dead or
alive?"

  "Don't be such a fool," his wife said, "if you were dead your
limbs would be cold."

  Shortly afterward Nasudin was in a the forest cutting wood.  It
was midwinter.  Suddenly he realized that his hands and feet were
cold.

  "I'm undoubtedly dead," he thought, "so I must stop working,
because corpses do not work."

  And, because corpses do not walk about, he lay down on the grass.

  Soon a pack of wolves appeared and started to attack Nasrudin's
donkey, which was tethered to a tree.

  "Yes, carry on, take advantage of a dead man," said Nasrudin from
his prone position," but if I had been alive I would not have
allowed you to take liberties with my donkey."
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 08:36:35 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Generally tasteless jokes <BE WARNED>

Why do they bury a lawyer 10 feet under?
Because deep down they're not so bad.

Upper-class Brit: "I'm terribly sorry to hear that you buried your wife
yesterday."
Even-more-Upper-class Brit: "Had to. Dead, you know."

Do you know why Irish dogs have snubbed noses?
From chasing parked cars.

What's the best selling deodorant in Puerto Rico?
Raid.

What's a "wiener"?
The first runner to cross the finish line in a Mexican track meet.

How come Pakistanis go around with their flies open?
In case they have to count to eleven.

Why don't the Swiss approve of artificial insemination?
They don't like the idea of using someone else's leftovers.

American talking to a European: "I've noticed that the Scots I shake
hands with always seem to be sticky.  Tell me, is it their money thing,
or does it have something to do with the way they have sex?"
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 10:03:00 -0400
              Ithaca College" <JMICA@ITHACAOA.BITNET>
From:         "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission,
              Ithaca College" <JMICA@ITHACAOA.BITNET>
Subject:      Political Bumper Sticker

If you can't trust me to make a choice,
how can you trust me to make a baby?
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 15:22:07 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Clean (U.K) Woolly

Seen in a shop in Bakewell (in Derbyshire, England)


"Wear British Wool.  41 million sheep can't be wrong"


Derryck.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 10:32:54 EDT
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <ADKO@NMUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Trendy but Clean

One day Aino and Toivo (local Finnish names, substitute as
needed for desired Nationality) were talking and Aino
remarked that he'd always wanted to try Bungee Jumping.
Toivo, on the other hand, had no such desire.  "But Toivo,"
cried Aino, "It's exciting.  It's adventurous.  How can
you go through life without even giving it a try?"  To
which Toivo replied, "Look Aino, I came into this world
on a broken rubber, I don't want to go out the same way!"

Kathleen Olivier
ADKO@NMUMUS
***********************************
* My sense of humor may be warped *
* But at least I've got one!      *
***********************************
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 10:40:01 EDT
From:         "< jIm bArREtT >" <BARRETT@URIACC.URI.EDU>
Subject:      Famous books never written

                   Famous Books never written

Practical proctology by Bea Hind.

Hooker by Wanna Bawl.

The future of robotics by Cy Borg and Anne Droid.

What to do if you're in a car accident by Rhea Ender.

My life as a dyslexic by Bass Ackwards.

Forest sojourns by Syl Vann and Piney Woods.

A day of a thousand years by Ann O. Domini.

Call me a lush by Nita Belt.

Exercises for busy men by Sol T. Dick.

Why women exercise by Hy Bunz.

How things work by Wyatt Dunne.

Beating the stockmarket by Djuna Howe.

Opthamology by I. C. Stare.

Breathing lessons by Hal E. Tosis.

Finding the right path by Wanda Way.

The ethical lawyer by Dewey Cheetum.

White people by Van Ella.

Blue monday by Misty Day.

Diner by Hammond Egger.

How to serve mankind by Jeffrey Dahmer.

A bartender's guide to mixed drinks by Hy Ball.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 11:08:42 -0400
From:         Ian <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      How to deal with flooding

A BUCKETFUL OF ANGER

KULIM: Fed up with the frequent flooding of his house, a houseowner
gave a dose of his medicine to a Kulim District Council officer last
Thursday.  The retired teacher from the Taman Bersatu walked calmly
into the council office and emptied a bucketful of slime into the
council engineer's room.  The engineer, Nasir Abdul Ghani, was not
in his room at the time of the incident.  Council president Haji
Hashim Ismail in confirming the incident said the council has lodged
a police report.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 08:19:00 PDT
From:         "Dawson, Margaret" <MDawson@UNEX.UCLA.EDU>
Subject:      bumpersticker

I am slow, but I am ahead of you.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 11:24:11 EST
Comments:     MEMO 1993/07/29 11:45
From:         CLoris <HARRIS.CLORIS@IC1D.HARRIS.COM>
Subject:      Project Managers (PG)

     I think most of you can relate to this (source unknown):

          Project Managers
          ------- --------

     If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
          - ideal project manager

     If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
          - somewhat less than ideal project manager

     If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
          - somewhat misguided project manager

     If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
          - A tough m.f. project manager
            (eats glass, live cats,etc.)

     If get kill in will way I you.
          - dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager

     I am the way! Kill me if you can!
          - messianic project manager

     Get away, I'll kill us all!
          - suicidal project manager

     If you kill me, I'll get in your way!
          - thoughtful but ineffective project manager

     If I kill you, I'll get in your way!
          - project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious

     If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka your arm.
          - project manager from New York

     I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get
     killed.
          - project manager who is about to get into big trouble

     If you kill me, so what?  If you get in my way, who cares?
          - weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager

     Kill me, it's the only way.
          - every project manager to date.

     --------------------------------------+-------------------------------
                 Chris Loris               |
         harris.cloris@ic1d.harris.com     | One question that has never
        Associate Logisitcs Engineering    |  been answered to my
        Support Specialist & Internaut     |  satisfaction by the "Playboy
     --------------------------------------+  Advisor" is "What kind of
     Harris Corporation Electronic Systems |  stereo system works best in
         Systems Sector - Air Traffic      |  hell?"
           Control Systems Division        |           - Jack Handey
     --------------------------------------+-------------------------------
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 11:54:38 EDT
From:         Jeffrey R Kell <JEFF@UTCVM.UTC.EDU>
Organization: University of Tennessee at Chattanooga
Subject:      Re: bumpersticker (rude language)
              29 Jul 1993 08:19:00 PDT from <MDawson@UNEX.UCLA.EDU>

On Thu, 29 Jul 1993 08:19:00 PDT Dawson, Margaret said:
>I am slow, but I am ahead of you.

Or "If you don't like my driving, call 1-800-EAT-SHIT"
==========
Date:         Tue, 28 Jul 1992 13:45:00 CST
From:         LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <ROACHL@A1.UWSTOUT.EDU>
Subject:      Bumper sticker (Rated R)

My favorite bumper sticker, seen a semi on the interstate, was:

                        Save a mouse,
                        Eat a pussy.

Laurie Roach (ROACHL@UWSTOUT.EDU)
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 10:30:40 PST
From:         Faye Powell <POWELL@GLOOM.LIB.PDX.EDU>
Subject:      Nerd jokes

1) Two atoms were walking down the street, and one said to the other,
"I think I lost an electron."
    The other replied, "Are you sure?"
    "Yes.  I'm positive."

 2) There are three kinds of mathematicians:  those that can count,
and those that can't.

==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 12:36:02 -0500
From:         David Gamble <dgamble@GWYNE.NLU.EDU>
Subject:      My Favorite Bumper Sticker

My favorite bumper sticker reads:
        "I hate bumper stickers!"

==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 13:33:01 -0400
From:         Suzanne Bury <sbury@CCE.CORNELL.EDU>
Subject:      Secret to success

There are two rules for success in life:

   (1) Don't tell anyone everything you know

   (2)

==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 10:55:32 PDT
From:         "Michael S. Sekoni (X8593) PROFS (MSS)" <AC00MICH@UCSBVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Highway 101

A guy from the middle east was visiting California
and he was driving up north on highway 101 and the
guy saw 101 sign on the freeway as he was driving.
He was driving at about 90 miles/hr and was stopped
by highway patrol for speeding. He said to the officer
you must be joking because i have not done anything
wrong, the sign says 101 and i am only making 90,
so what's the problem ?

enjoy it

One and only
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 14:01:13 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <mthompso@NALUSDA.GOV>
Subject:      Re: Nerd jokes

There are two kinds of people in this world - those that divide the world
into two kinds of people and those that don't.

L8r.


On Thu, 29 Jul 1993, Faye Powell wrote:

>  2) There are three kinds of mathematicians:  those that can count,
> and those that can't.
>
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 12:59:00 CDT
From:         Katie Buller <KTBULLER@MACC.WISC.EDU>
Subject:      sign fun (clean)

"Vandalized" road sign seen near Chicago:

Interstate 90
Northwestern 0

==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 14:05:21 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Mildly amusing idioms

*Egg on*
    To egg someone on is to encourage a person to keep doing something,
usually something not quite nice.  It has nothing to do with eggs, but
is a corruption of the word "edge."

*Flash in the pan*
    This is a classic dead metaphor.  It means a spectacular beginning
that is quickly followed by failure.  The allusion is to the action of
the old flint-lock rifles.  Occasionally after being all primed (loaded)
to fire, the gun would misfire--there would be a big flash of the gun-
powder going off in the lock-pan, but the projectile would not be shot.

*Ax to grind*
    A person who has a selfish reason for wanting something to be done
in a certain way or to a certain person is said to have an ax to grind.
Benjamin Franklin once told a story about how a man came to him asking
Ben to show him how the grindstone worked. He handed Ben an ax he had
brought with him, and then pretended not to understand exactly how it
worked until Ben had illustrated so often, the man's ax was thoroguhly
sharpened!
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 11:13:46 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.1     A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A bit of afterword on Boyd's Florida barrel-rolling law.
                Thanks to Paula Balch.PA

"The Trenton Pickle Ordinance and Other Bonehead Legislation" by Dick Hyman
(The Stephen Greene Press, Brattleboro, Vermont) lists 114 pages of items similar
to "Florida law prohibits rolling a barrel down the street."

The California selection includes:

DID YOU KNOW. . .?

In Blythe, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows
before he is permitted to wear cowboy boots in public.

A Stockton law of 1926 makes it illegal to wiggle while dancing.

A Riverside health ordinance states that two persons may not kiss without first
wiping their lips with carbolized rose water.

San Francisco prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they
are on a leash.

But in Belvedere, a City Council order reads:  "No dog shall be in a public place
without its master on a leash."

In Hanford, people may not interfere with children jumping over water puddles.

The California Paiute Indian Reservation's laws forbid a mother-in-law to spend
more than thirty days a year with her children.

Babies in Los Angeles are forbidden to ride in a grocery pushcart with food their
mothers have been buying.

Los Angeles law also forbids hunting moths under a street light, and says that
you can't drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one
time.

L.A. also prohibits pickle-making at any point within the city's jurisdiction
where its aroma might offend the nostrils of passersby.

But an L.A. judge rules that "A private citizen may snore with immunity in his
own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
ability in that particular field."

In Berkeley it's against the law to be caught smoking, or with matches in your
possession, while out fishing.  You also can't whistle for your lost canary before
7 a.m.

It is unlawful to plant vegetables in California cemeteries, or to pick feathers
from live geese, or to sell snakes on the street.

It's a misdeameanor to detain a homing pigeon in California.

A Glendale ordinance permits horror films to be shown only on Mondays,
Tuesdays or Wednesdays.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Real Headlines

[Courtesy of "The Lower case" page of the Columbia Journalism Review.]

City picks complex contractor           -- COLUMBIA RECORD, S. C. 6/15/81

19 Feet Broken in Pole Vault            -- WICHITA EAGLE-BEACON, Kan. 6/21/81

City sewage rats may go up in 1982      -- MUNCIE EVENING PRESS, Ind. 12/29/80

Lions to install officers at zoo        -- Linden, Ohio NEWS 6/10/81

'Mild' fertility drug produces quadruplets in 3 minutes
                                        -- NEW MEXICAN, Santa Fe 6/14/81

New Jersey to be moved                  -- Johnstown, Pa. TRIBUNE-DEMOCRAT 7/25/81

Homicide suspect napped here            -- Green Bay, Wis. NEWS-CHRONICLE 12/31/80

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
                                        -- Baltimore SUN 6/13/81
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 11:47:43 -0700
From:         Linda White <snowhite@ESKIMO.COM>
Subject:      Bumperstickers

I'd rather you were sailing, too.
I [spade symbol] my cat.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 14:09:00 -05
From:         Rosie Barger <RBARGER@IVY.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: Bumperstickers

My favorite bumpersticker:
"Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life here"
Rosie
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 15:01:34 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU>
Subject:      PG13 Not that offensive

This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but
two -- black eyes; a coupla real shiners.  He chanced upon his buddy
walkin' th' other way and they stopped to talk.  "Hey buddy," sez his
buddy, "where'd'ja git them good lookin' shiners?  Musta been a helluva
fight."

"Well actually I got them in church," sez he.

"Nowwaitaminnit," sez his buddy, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"

"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened.
We all got up to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me
got her dress all stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a
real gennulman an' all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her.
And you know what?  She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"

"Well," sez his buddy after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff explains
one of 'em.  Howdja git th' other one?"

"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does me
wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."



Dawn Shotts                           /  )
dawns@alpha.acast.nova.edu           /  / __.  , , , ____
                                    /__/_(_/|_(_(_/_/ / <_
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 15:35:08 EDT
From:         stu fors <STUFORS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      lawyer joke

what is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm cell?

a sperm cell has a one-in-800 million chance of being human
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 12:27:28 PDT
From:         Marty Kuhrt <marty@SPISYS.TTISMS.COM>
Subject:      Highway 101 (continued)

to which the officer replied, "I'm glad I stopped you now"
"why's that?", asked the driver.
"because you're on the transition to the 405!"
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 15:52:22 EDT
From:         Jeffrey R Kell <JEFF@UTCVM.UTC.EDU>
Organization: University of Tennessee at Chattanooga
Subject:      Re: Nerd jokes
              29 Jul 1993 14:01:13 -0400 from <mthompso@NALUSDA.GOV>

On Thu, 29 Jul 1993 14:01:13 -0400 Mike Thompson said:
>There are two kinds of people in this world - those that divide the world
>into two kinds of people and those that don't.

There are three kinds of people in this world - those that make things happen,
those that watch things happen, and those that wonder what happened.

One who knows how to make something work will always have a job.  One who
knows why it works will always be his boss.

/Jeff/
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 16:30:32 -0400
From:         John Dunn <J_DUNN@UNHH.UNH.EDU>
Subject:      Joke - Rated R

        Two cannibals cooked up a single victim for thier supper.
Since there was only one victim to split between them, they agreed that
one cannibal would start at the head of the victim, and the other at the
victim's feet.
        As they were eating - one cannibal asks th other:

                "How are you doing?"

To which the other replies"

                "I having a ball!"

The first cannibal yells,

                "Slow down, you're eating too fast!"

***************************************************************
You may have heard it before- but it's a good one.

John Dunn
University of New Hampshire.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 19:38:22 EDT
Comments:     Converted from PROFS to RFC822 format by PUMP V2.2X
From:         Dave Seitz <DSEITZ@ALBNERIC.BITNET>
Subject:      Rated (G) for Great Joke!

Three older gentleman were living together, and all three
had Alzheimer's, which caused loss of memory, etc.

One morning, the first man gets up, takes a shower, and
forgets if he did wash his hair, or didn't. "Oh well, I'll
get back in and do it again!"

The second man is in the kitchen having coffee, and wonders
what's taking his friend so long. So he says to the third
guy, "I'll go up and check on him, you know, his memory and
all...." So he gets halfway up the stairs, and stops. "Now
what was I coming up here for anyway??????"

The third guy is at the table, sees whats going on, and
chuckles to himself. "Boy, glad I'm not as bad off as
those two, thank the lord, and knock on wood (tap tap)."

He pauses for a second, and then says "Gee, I wonder who's at
the door?"

-- Dave Seitz
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 19:44:34 -0400
From:         Ian Alderman <LANOU@ITHACA.BITNET>
Subject:      Bumpersticker (rude language)

Seen on ancient Chevy-Nova-that-got-hit-by-a-truck, "Shit Happens"
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 20:34:59 EST
From:         tfd@CUNYVMS1.GC.CUNY.EDU
Subject:      Happy 50th, Mick

Q) Who were the most embarassed people in the world in 1966?

A) Mick Jagger's parents

Q) Who are the most embarassed people in the world in 1993?

A) Mick Jagger's children.
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 17:47:13 -0700
From:         "S., James" <JAMES@UCRAC1.UCR.EDU>
Subject:      political spoof

  forwarded
  ----------
  Recent postings on this august forum regarding US ambassadorial appointments to
  Africa has clearly demonstrated that sadly, there many folks out there who still
  insist on thinking with their skins in this day and age! Nature gave you heads,
  use them, if only occassionally (lest some cells start to atrophy...).

  Anyway, here is my (equal opportunity) "dream team" of some of my ambassadors...

  country               amabassador
  ======                ====
  France                Rev. Sharpton
  Iran          Pat Buchanan (surely, ayatolla Pat will be at home...)
  Israel                Andrew Young
  South Africa  Louis Farakhan (& coambassador to Israel)
  Russia                Jesse Jackson ('keep hope alive!')
  United Kingdom        Eddie Murphy  (the Brits are too frigid)
  Germany               Sammy Davis Jr (post-humously)
  Korea         Rodney King
  Japan         Coleman Young
  Iraq          Colin Powell
  Zaire         Michael Millken (it needs a financial genius besides Sese Seko)
  Phillipines   Charles Cheating, no I mean Keating
  Kenya         Ivan Boskey (yet another financial genius)
  Lebanon       Col. North
  Nicaragua     Elliot Abrahams
  Hell          Duke, the one from Louisiana...
  Bosnia/Serbia Jeff Darhmer & Rush Limbaugh

  There are still a few more countries that need ambassadors. Please submit your
  suggestions to africa-l. This list needs to be sent to congress real soon...

End of returned message
==========
Date:         Thu, 29 Jul 1993 17:48:28 -0700
From:         "S., James" <JAMES@UCRAC1.UCR.EDU>
Subject:      operating systems

  ---------forwarded
               WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF
                     OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR CAR

  MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.

  Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because
  attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

  Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the car
  drives you to church.

  UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE.  After reaching speeds of 200
  miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.

  Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go to the
  store."  Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.

  Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you
  how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

  OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and
  drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
  procession.  Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.

  S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to the store.
  Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you
  are run over by kids on mopeds.

  OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the
  store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.

  VAX/VMS: You use up tremendous amounts of gas to go very slowly and only
  getting to see and image of the store.

  ------- End of Forwarded Message


End of returned message
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 08:13:11 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Re: operating systems

|               WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF
|                     OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR CAR
|
|  MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
|

... etc...

What about some for:
        AmigaDOS
        CP/M
        Helios


Derryck.
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 17:14:00 LCL
From:         David Evans <dke@ORVILLE.HO.BOM.GOV.AU>
Subject:      The new army

Now that all forms of sexual discrimination have been removed from the Army,
the ranks are attracting all sorts.

At the Puckapunyal Military Camp recently a drill sergeant had a squad of
recruits lined up on the parade ground.

"From the right, number!" bawled the sergeant.

"One!"
"Two!"
"Three!"
"Four!"
"One!"

"Hold it, hold it right there!" screamed the sergeant. "You! You 'orrible
dozy idle little man, you!  You're not One, are you?"

"Yeth" lisped the recruit. "Are you one, two?"


David Evans
The sap in the family tree
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 08:17:38 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      unbelievable

Victorian book of etiquette (1800s)

"A gentleman should never offer a warm seat to a lady"

"A gentleman should never wear clothes of the colour brown in London town"

Derryck
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 08:34:35 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Army (rather disgusting)

A general was visiting his troops out in the Gulf.
(He was known as the "Wire-brush" general) (WBG)

While visiting the sick bay, he met the men off-duty:

To the first one: How are you, young man?
        1)      Back ache, sir...
        wbg)    Will you have my wire-brush, or instant duty?
        1)      Wire-brush, sir.
        wbg)    (rubs the afflicted area)
                "Quick recovery, young man".

To the second one: How are you, young man?
        2)      Hemorrhoids, sir...
        wbg)    Will you have my wire-brush, or instant duty?
        2)      Wire-brush, sir.
        wbg)    (rubs the afflicted area)
                "Quick recovery, young man".


To the third one: How are you, young man?
        1)      Tooth ache, sir...
        wbg)    That does not seem too bad.. You can be court-martialled
                for evasion of duty, do you realise..
        3)      Yes, sir..
        wbg)    Will you have my wire-brush, or court-martial?
        1)      COURT MARTIAL, SIR!
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 05:30:23 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: bumpersticker

On Thu, 29 Jul 1993, Jeffrey R Kell wrote:

> On Thu, 29 Jul 1993 08:19:00 PDT Dawson, Margaret said:
> >I am slow, but I am ahead of you.
>
> Or "If you don't like my driving, call 1-800-EAT-SHIT"
                                         ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I just this week read where someone said he had tried this number, and it
was always busy.  He finally got through, and heard a recorded
announcement that told him to dial 1-900-328-7448 (which translates into
1-900-EAT SHIT).  He said that calling this got him a recording of a male
voice repeating over and over "Eat Shit."  And a $5/min. charge!  I
haven't tried it myself, so I can't verify it.
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 10:54:13 EDT
From:         Arthur Emerson III <ae3@CTS1.MSMC.EDU>
Subject:      Re: operating systems

>
> |               WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF
> |                     OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR CAR
> |
> |  MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
> |
>
> ... etc...
>
> What about some for:
>         AmigaDOS
>         CP/M
>         Helios
>
>
> Derryck.
>

AmigaDOS:  You get into the car and see a beautiful presentation of the
store. Then, as you pull out of the driveway, a "Guru Meditation Error"
message pops up and the car stops in the middle of the street.  There's
barely enough time to jump clear of the car before the Windows car, with
train in tow, plows into it at full speed.  [Agnes, Denise, and all of the
other neat chips die in the crash.]  You can catch details on your local
cable TV news at 6:00.

CP/M: [Runs only on mopeds.] You take your moped to the store and buy $500
worth of groceries.  Then, you realize that you have no way of getting
more than $64 worth of groceries home. As you're drafting plans for
a bigger moped, Microsoft steals your moped, paints it blue, and puts a
trailer hitch on it.  (They're still looking for the keys.)

TRS-DOS: Drives you through the woods to the nearest Radio Shack, because
it's never heard of any other store.

Apple-DOS, PRO-DOS:  You get onto a giant turtle and it brings you to the
nearest elementary school, passing the store along the way.

==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 16:24:37 +0100
From:         Bhushan Lakhe <B.C.Lakhe@BRA0801.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      Some more starnge laws.....

------------------------------ Start of body part 1

Pl. refer to the attached


------------------------------ Start of body part 2

   DATE   FROM                   SUBJECT                            CODES
On the strange laws: ( these r English!)
--------------------
1. In England & Wales it is still illegal if you are a male over 16, NOT to
   practice archery on a Sunday.

2. Drivers of London Hansom Cabs (ie Black Cabs) are obliged to enquire whether
   you are suffering from diphtheria, bubonic plague, the pox etc.  They are
   also required to carry straw for their horses (?).

3. Anal intercourse, while legal for two men (consenting and both over 21),
   is illegal between a man and a woman.  However, to bring this to court
   would require a third party witness.  Exactly how he/she would witness
   this, distinguishing it from conventional intercourse is not very clear!

4. Also bloody ridiculous (thank God, no longer valid now - repealed only
   about seven years ago!) was the Defence of the Realm (Amendment Act)
   (DORA for short).  This decreed that pubs etc could only serve alcoholic
   beverages between the hours of 11:00 to 15:00 and 17:30 to 23:00 Monday
   to Saturday (sunday was stricter still).

   This gem was brought in during the 1st World War (to the Yanks, that's
   the one they didn't join in) to stop munitions workers blowing themselves
   up after getting pissed in the afternoon.  The far-sighted government of
   the time applied it to everyone in the land, not just munitions workers.

   Better yet, the government liked it so much that they kept it on the
   statute books until the late 1980's, causing untold confusion and
   disbelief from visitors from abroad.


------------------------------ End of body part 2
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 09:03:07 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         hcate.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.1     A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Right-handed people think with the left side of their brains;  left-handed
people think with the right side of their brains.  Therefore left-handed
people are the only ones operating in their right minds."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

From yesterday's Chron:
"The structures threatened by the fire had included List's family ranch and the
homes of Nevada Attorney General Richard Bryan, Manchester, N.H., Union
Leader Publisher [capitalization theirs] William Loeb and several millionaire
ranchers, developers and social parasites."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Caption on a picture in an article about wildlife photos:

BLACK BEAR
The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals because
in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage and tourist
handouts.  This bear has learned to open car doors in Yosemite, where damage
to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens of thousands of dollars
a year.  Campaigns to bearproof all garbage containers in wild areas have
been difficult, because as one biologist put it, "There is a considerable
overlap between the intelligence levels of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A couple of weeks ago, on the steps of Boston City Hall, I heard a couple
of fellows calling out: "Generic stickers, 50 cents! Generic stickers, 50
cents!" Sure enough, they had a supply of stickers, white background, black
block letters: "GENERIC STICKER".

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I held technical talks with my 14-year-old nephew, who is heavy into programming
games on his IBM personal computer.  I tried to impress him with how superior
the XEROX programming environment is, but he shot back:  "Heck, the only
programming environment I need is a pile of chocolate-chip cookies and a glass of milk!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Here are some items adapted from the amusing British "Book of Heroic Failures"
by Stephen Pile:

THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
        This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
expected to reach its base that evening.  It was returned by post, dead, in a
cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.

THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
        During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a tree.
They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.  So grateful
was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.  Driving off later, with fond
farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.

THE WORST HIJACKING
        We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever.  On a flight across America, he rose from his
seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage.
        "Take me to Detroit," he demanded.
        "We're already going to Detroit," she replied.
        "Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.

THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
        In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors.  They had to
be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the
building.
        A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.  When they demanded
5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a
practical joke.
        Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
clutching his ankle.  The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped
in the revolving doors again.
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 12:20:36 CST
From:         Terrie McMillan <TMCMILLA@SATURN.UARK.EDU>
Organization: University of Arkansas
Subject:      CHOW BABY

I have really really really really really really enjoyed being a
member of this list.  However, I am no longer going to be a slave to
this system. ;)   I will not be seeing you in EMAIL land any more so
have a wonderful life and please always remember that laughter is the
best medicine!  CHOW BABY!

Terrie
Terrie McMillan
*************************
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 13:07:00 CDT
From:         Mike Weatherred <CUBSFAN@KSUVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Bad news/Good news

I've got bad news and good news.  Bad news is that Rush Limbaugh is going to
have to have an emergency liposuction.  The good news is that they are going
to make him a shelter for the Midwest flood victims.

==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 14:14:44 EDT
From:         Paul Yanik <pyanik@SU19BB.ESS.HARRIS.COM>
Subject:      Punch line

Does anybody know the punchline to a joke that starts out:

        "A guys walks into a bar with a midget under one arm
        and a porcupine under the other..."
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 14:28:31 EDT
Comments:     Converted from PROFS to RFC822 format by PUMP V2.2X
From:         Dave Seitz <DSEITZ@ALBNERIC.BITNET>
Subject:      Punch line

No, but here is another one:

A guy walks in to a bar, wearing dark glasses, and carrying a white
cane. He also has a seeing-eye dog with him, and is twirling the
dog around in circles, over his head!

The bartender is watching all of this, and after a minute,
walks over to the guy, and asks "Can I get you anything
from the bar?" The blind guy, continuing to spin the dog
over his head, says "No thanks, just looking around."

-- Dave Seitz
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 13:29:00 CDT
From:         Mike Weatherred <CUBSFAN@KSUVM.BITNET>
Subject:      another bar joke

From Howie Mandel  ''Fits Like a Glove'' tape...

These two guys walk into a bar, which is really stupid, right? 'cuz you
figure if the first guy walked right into it the second guy woulda seen
it....


Mike Weatherred
Kansas State University
Bitnet:  CUBSFAN@KSUVM
Internet: CUBSFAN@KSUVM.KSU.EDU

''Directions from K-State to KU:  East till you smell it, south till you
step in it.''
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 13:40:00 -0500
From:         David D Molina <dmolina@TENET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Punch line

No, but here is, yet, another one...

A man and his dog walk into a bar.  The man orders a beer for himself and a
bowl of water for his dog. The bartender looks down at the dog and says,
"Hey mister, did you notice your dog doesn't have any legs?"  The man
replies, "Yeah."  "Oh," says the bartender, "What's your dog's name, anyway?"
The man says, "He doesn't have a name."  "Why?" asks the bartender."  The
man replies, "Well, why?  If I call him, he can't come."
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 13:54:17 CDT
From:         "Kevan L. Moore" <moore@TEKELEC.COM>
Subject:      C string joke

Some experience in programming C is necessary to understand this joke.

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down.  The bartender steps up and
asks "What'll it be?".  One string says "I'll have a beerfquS#N#*;w23
324tjj92*$|(j@#0~!RH@P(#R B(WR*S&@#*$Y_@!*@!HR# WEHhwe(#!**(#GH@Y^#
#@8_@#3-%*98QW*#Q)_(#%!~+@~)+)(#EGED+)B*+C(SX(vb=$8ew+@#TJ+@(#$J".

The other string says, "you'll have to excuse my friend here. he's
not nul-terminated."

klm
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 15:00:32 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      legless dog

I heard that one, but the man replied:
"My dog's name is Cigarette."
Bartender:  "Why did you name him that?"
Man:  "Because every morning I take him out for a DRAG."
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 15:08:16 -0400
From:         "Russell, Lise" <L_RUSSELL@UNHH.UNH.EDU>

Yes, I know this is bad, but I haven't been able to sign off the conventional
way.  Please don't flame me and sign me off.

Tx, L_Russell
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 16:27:55 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      splitting grammar

  "I think that people who claim that it is incorrect to split
  infinitives in English forget that it is usage that defines
  the language and not academics who make up rules.

  "I urge you therefore to boldly split infinitives."

                                - me
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 18:45:09 -0500
From:         "I thought therefore I was." <DAHMEN@VAX1.BEMIDJI.MSUS.EDU>
Subject:      Amiga-Dos.

Date sent:  30-JUL-1993 18:40:20

AMIGADOS : You drive a Ferrari to the store, and while inside a Apple salesman
           tells everyone that his rusted-out nova is can get you there in
           better style.  The salesman also offers his nova for 'ONLY' twice
           the cost of the Ferrari.

        I know this may sound stupid, but I'm tired and everything looks
        funny to me. :)

================
                     Dahmen@vax1.bemidji.msus.edu
   The fault lies not with putting a fool in charge,  the fault lies in
   leaving him in charge.
                          -Ghengis Khan
================
==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 22:43:05 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Sign

Seen in a restaurant in Atlanta, GA.

        We don't serve women here;
        You have to bring your own.

==========
Date:         Fri, 30 Jul 1993 23:23:41 -0700
From:         Linda White <snowhite@ESKIMO.COM>
Subject:      The Plan (cleaned up as to language)

I received this in the mail. I don't know who wrote it.

In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a crock of s..., and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
     such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
     Company, and in these Areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
And this is how S... Happens.
==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 10:55:38 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject:      Nationalities' Jokes

In the former Soviet Union, like in most countries perhaps, all nationalities
were subject to all kinds of jokes. Stubborn Ukrainians, people from the Middle
Asia (in a loose translation called "charcoal"), and from Far North (all called
"choukcha") were regarded as the most stupid.
Here is a joke about a young Ukrainian who was recruited to military service.
One day he is on duty guarding an army warehouse and there shows up his mother,
who just came visiting her son. She closes on him with her hands spred and
shouting his name loudly: "Mikola! Mikola!" The guy is glad she came and also
shouts "Mamo, mamo!" (Ukrainian way to call mother).
But then he remebers his duty and says "Stop! Password!" His mother doesn't
stop, however, and keeps running towards him: "Mikola! Mikola!"
Now Mikola gets real concerned. He raises his weapon and gives a warning shot
into the air. But this doesn't stop his mother so after a while he just points
and shoots her down.
A month or two later, Mikola is on his guarding duty again. Proudly he spits
and polishes his new medal with a sleeve and says to himself in a dreamlike
manner: "I hope that soon papa comes visiting, too".
==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 13:31:35 IST
From:         John Bastian/Johnny <johnny@ITIBANG.ERNET.IN>
Subject:      Dah Ayteen botthils

                        The Eighteen Bottles

    I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else...  I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.  I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew
the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the
exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from
the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.  I
pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank.  I pulled the bottle from the
cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down
the glass.  I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork
down the bottle.  Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.  When I had everything emptied, I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks
with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle,
which I drank.  I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle
peep I am.  I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.  I fool so
feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the
longer I get.
                                      -- Author unknown

---------------------------------------------------------
If scientists were asked to run democracy , they'd probably
experiment it first on animals.
---------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 10:49:30 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Turk/Armenian humor <crude>

These two guys - one a Turk, one Armenian are going to a private
spot were they can fight to death without having the local police
break up the fight.  They are wandering down the road when the Turk
finds a bottle. He picks it up and dusts it off and *WHOOOSH* a
genie appears.

"Thank you for setting me free - I shall grant you three wishes,
but I shall give this other man twice what I give you."

So the Turk asks first for a big house and 100 acres of prime land.
"You understand that your Armenian friend will get double?" "Yes,"
he says... *boom* (large house appears).

"Your second wish...?"

"I want 50 18 - 20 year old women who I can do whatever I want
with" "Wow, your friend will have 100 though??" "Yes, I understand
- just do it!" he says.

*boom* -- they're surrounded by gorgeous women..

"And your final wish...?"

"Please remove one of my testicles..."

==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 11:25:54 -0400
From:         Susan Jennings <JENNINGSSL@CONRAD.APPSTATE.EDU>
Subject:      FOR LIBERATED WOMEN ONLY!

>                      CHAIN LETTER FOR WOMEN ONLY!!!!!!!!
>
>       This letter was started by a woman like yourself, in the hopes of
>bringing relief to other tired and discontented women.
>
>       Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost you anything.
>Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally
>frustated.  Then, bundle up your husband or boyfriend, send him to the
>woman whose name appears at the top of this list and add your name at the
>bottom of the list.
>
>       When you name comes to the top of the list, you will receive
> 16,877 men............one of them is bound to be a hell of a lost better
>than the one you already have.
>
>       DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN.  One woman broke the chain and got her own
>son-of-a-bitch back.  At this writing, a friend of mine already received
>184 men.  They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36 hours
>to get the smile off her face, and two days to get her legs together, so
>they could close the coffin.
>
>       Hurry up and sedn this letter along, so my name can move up fast.
>
>
>                                       THE LIBERATED WOMAN
>
==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 11:27:46 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Political humor

Political humor via *The Santa Cruz Comic News*
---(Mike Smith)---
Barbara Bush: The deficit, health care, education, Bosnia,
Somalia.  You really left poor Bill Clinton a mess.
George Bush: I know.

---(Feiffer)---
Envy
Has given me a sense of purpose
A motive to compete
And the drive to climb to the top.
If I didn't have envy,
I wouldn't have power
And I wouldn't be envied
By everybody else whose sense of purpose
Motivates them to compete with me
And climb to the top.
Trust envy.
It makes the system work.

---(S. Kelley)---
Two people sitting on a park bench.
Gentleman: Mind if I smoke?
Lady: Mind if I blow asbestos dust in your face?

Her husband smoked four packs a day,
In a sense so did she you might say,
  Her coughing grew chronic,
  Some called it ironic,
When she and not he passed away.

---(Kirk)---
Men picketing with signs which say, "Freedom from
Discrimination" and "Equal Opportunity * Jobs * Housing."
Man tells wife: Those gays are demanding special treatment
from us.

---(Wasserman)---
Schools need to teach you kids hard work, discipline.
And the fact that you can't get something for nothing.
How will you pay for this education?
State-run gambling.

---(Toles)---
Yeltsin: We're having problems switching to capitalism.  The
troublis that all our capitalists are criminals, breaking all
our laws.
Uncle Sam: That's just an early stage of capitalism.
Eventually they become powerful enough to rewrite the laws.

Clinton: We have to share the sacrifice and that means the
rich will have to pay their share too.
Republican: Why?
Clinton: They have to remember that they're members of this
society just like everybody else.
Republican: Says who?
Clinton: We can't continue stealing from our kids for current
prosperity.
Republican: Why not?
Reagan: My kids never liked me much anyway.

Reporter: Clinton is failing because he's unwilling to stikc
with a principle and risk alienating people.
Reporter: No, wait ... He's failing because he's sticking with
gays in the military, unwillingto bend to public opinion.
Reporter: No, wait ... because he's trying too hard to please
women's groups with the Attorney General's job.
Reporter: No ... because he's angering women's groups with the
Attorney General's job.
Reporter: No ... he's failing because he's unable to shift the
focus away from his problems onto his agenda.
Clinton:  About my agenda ...
Reporter: Oh sure ... now he's trying to avoid answering the
charges against him byt only talkinga bout his agenda. This is
a failure in the making, if I have anything to say about it.


==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 23:56:47 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Who's Socrates <The Mulla's answer>

WHO WAS SOCRATES?

  One day one of the Mulla's disciples ask him, "Who was Socrates?"

  Nasrudin replied: "Socrates was a Greek who went around telling
everybody what's right and what's wrong so they poisoned him."
==========
Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 05:42:45 -0400
From:         Bert Headrick <ACAD1159@SLCSL.STLAWRENCEC.ON.CA>
Subject:      PG-13 -- May be mildly offensive to some..

Subject: PG-13 -- May be mildly offensive to some..
A bored housewife in suburbia is entertaining her lover in bed one
day as, unknown to them, her nine-year-old son is taking it all in
from her bedroom closet.  As luck would have it, the husband
arrives home unexpectedly from the office and the surprised wife
shoves her lover into the closet.

Son says to lover, "Sure is dark in here, isn't it?"  After jumping
out of his skin and crawling back in, the lover replied that it was.
"Would you like to buy a flashlight?" asks the boy.  The lover said
he didn't think so.  "Sure would be bad if dad found out about
this," observed the boy.  The lover enquired as to how much the
boy wanted for the flashlight and agreed to pay the $25.00 price.

Two weeks later, same housewife, same lover, same boy in the
closet when husband again arrives home unexpectedly.  Wife
shoves lover into closet and son says, "Sure is dark in here, isn't
it?  Would you like to buy a fishing rod?"  The lover agrees to pay
the $50. price for the boy's fishing rod and his silence.

Weekend arrives and father asks son if he would like to go fishing.
Son replies, "Can't, dad; sold my fishing rod."  Dad says, "That old
thing?  How much did you get for it?"  When the son told him
$50., dad proceeds to give him a stern lecture on morality and
ethics and demands that he go to confession that very day.

The son goes into this big church, enters the confessional, and
pulls the curtain closed.  He says, "Sure is dark in here, isn't it?"
The priest replied, "Oh no, we're not going through that again!"


Regards,
BERT HEADRICK, HEALTH SCIENCE, BROCKVILLE
==========
Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 10:08:16 EST
From:         Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Sunday humor

Enough to make agnostics of us all.

I don't believe in atheists!

Thank god I'm an atheist

And we don't believe in you!

If you believe in nothing, it believes in you.

Wade is an agnostic, but that doesn't really matter.

It also possible some of us no do grammar too good niether.

"Sarcasm...,We don't get much of that around these parts"
==========
Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 14:07:02 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Limbaugh satire (rudeness alert)

One of Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths

35) You should thank God for making you an American; and instead of
     feeling guilty about it, help spread our ideas worldwide.

However, only WASPs need attempt to immigrate to the USA (unmarried
women over the age of 29 should be strictly prohibited in all cases).
:-) Unmarried women under the age of 30 wishing to immigrate into the
USA should be given the Rush Limbaugh Test.

The Rush Limbaugh Test consist of showing the young woman a suitable
full-length photograph of Rush Limbaugh with the following choices:

___ (A) I am ready to marry this man (or one of his chosen followers);

___ (B) I find this man sexually attractive;

___ (C) If he is rich and gives me lots of money, I will have sex with
        him;

___ (D) even if this fat guy were rich, I wouldn't consider holding
        hands with him;

___ (E) he reminds me of an uncle who never got married, if you know
        what I mean.

The young ladies who answer A or B will be admitted to the USA. The
unattractive feminists who answer D or E should be held in detention
until they can be sold to ugly Arabs as third and fourth wives. The
prostitutes who answer C should be given green cards and should be
allowed to re-take the test every year until they are 30 at which time
the failures will be deported to Amsterdam or Marseille were they should
be able to find additional work without the hazard of having to look at
a picture of Rush Limbaugh every year.

(Note for international members: Rush Limbaugh is a fat, rich Republican
who has a 3 hour daily radio talk show and an half hour daily television
talk show on USA media--one of his main sponsors is a learn-to-read
course called "Hooked on Phonics" & WASPs are White Anglo-Saxon
Protestants).

==========
Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 15:18:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      tent preacher (cute)

Old-fashioned tent revival meeting.  Fire-breathing preacher pacing back
and forth, pounding on Bible, roaring at the crowd...

"Brother and sisters, if there is anyone among you today who has committed
adultery, may his tongue cweeve to the woof of his mouf."

(Read it out loud.  Makes better oral than written humor.)

Shirl
kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu
==========
Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 16:51:02 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      LAST QUAYLE JOKE (fwd)

          It  was the  sad duty of  the President's long time friend, James
          Baker, to break the  bad  news  to  him  late Election night last
          November. He walked into the  Oval Office at about 2:00 a.m.  and
          found   the  President  and   Vice  President  Quayle  there."Mr.
          President" he intoned, "by  the looks of  the early returns, exit
          interviews and all other data we  can assemble, it looks like you
          will lose  the election. It seems certain that  Bill Clinton will
          be  the next President of the United States." Bush took the news
          quietly and with dignity. Then Dan Quayle piped up, "So, how  did
          I do?"
==========
Date:         Sun, 1 Aug 1993 22:08:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      no gnus...

--Boundary (ID /7bvgoXkwgCWFoFOfCQNaA)
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN


--Boundary (ID /7bvgoXkwgCWFoFOfCQNaA)
Content-type: MESSAGE/RFC822

Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 14:27:00 EST
Subject: No gnus is good gnus
Sender: Computer-assisted Reporting & <CARR-L@ULKYVM.BITNET>
To: Multiple recipients of list CARR-L <CARR-L@ULKYVM.BITNET>
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN
Posting-date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 00:00:00 EST
Importance: normal
A1-format:
A1-type: MAIL


Just because it is Sunday  :-)

=========  Forwarded  Message  ======
Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1993 21:42:02 -0500
Sender: mcwg9235@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu
Subject: no gnus is gud knews



Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told
their two children not to wander away.  However, a couple of
small gnus wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the
temptation to try out their own hunting skills.  They ran out,
chased after the gnus, killed them, and started eating them.

Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the
parents appeared in the distance.  One of the baby lions turned
to the other, and said:

"That is the end of the gnus.  Here again are the head lions."
Peter Moylan
(ohmygod--Ed)
---------------

Marsha Woodbury      marsha-w@uiuc.edu    U of Illinois/Urbana-Champaign

--Boundary (ID /7bvgoXkwgCWFoFOfCQNaA)--
==========
Date:         Sat, 31 Jul 1993 20:05:41 EDT
Comments:     Converted from PROFS to RFC822 format by PUMP V2.2X
From:         Dave Seitz <DSEITZ@ALBNERIC.BITNET>
Subject:      Parachute Joke

A man was taking his first parachute jump. He exited the
plane right on cue, took his first few minutes of free-fall,
pulled his rip-cord, and the chute didn't open! He looked
for the backup chute cord, but couldn't find it! By then he
was in a total panic. In looking down at the ground, which
was fast approaching, he saw the most amazing thing. A middle-
aged woman was blasting up from the ground toward him!

As they got closer, the man shouted "Hey, do you know
anything about parachutes? Mine won't open!!!!!" The
lady shouted back, "No, sorry. Do you know anything
about gas-stoves? Mine won't light!!!"

-- Dave Seitz
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 10:44:35 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject:      an exerpt...

An exerpt from the speach delivered to the Lithuanian parlament by the
president of the Central Bank there:

"... all these people, breathing Lithuanian air, driving on Lithuanian
highways, they should feel obliged to do something for the country's budget!"

-- Saulius Kondrotas, Munich
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 11:26:50 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject:      Psycho

During the Soviet years in Lithuania, there was a guy Romas Kalanta who burned
himself to death in protest to the Communist regime. The official reaction at
that time was that the guy's insane. Now, with Communists gone, a special
commision was formed to prove that Kalanta (who has become a national hero) was
sane and all right. So the commision (made of psichiatric experts) unburried
the 10 years old remains, examined them, and presented a official report that
Kalanta was in his own mind when he passed away. No problem.
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 11:07:30 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      British army.

Apparently, an old british recruitment slogan for the army was:


"Join the army, travel the world.
        Meet new peoples, and then kill them"
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 14:37:32 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject:      Nationality Jokes

A man from the Far North (those people used to be called "choukcha" as I have
mentioned) comes to Moscow, to a conference of the Soviet Writers' Union.
Upon seeing him, a Russian participant expressed his surprise: "What are you
doing here? You barely can read, I guess!?"
And the choukcha answered: "It's the writers' conference, I suppose, not
readers'."
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 14:22:25 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Car names...

Anyone care to add some??

Names often mean different things in different languages:

e.g

(CARS)
        Vauxhaul Nova:  In spanish, NoVa means "it won't go"

        Rolls Royce
          Silver Mist:  In Deutch Mist, is supposed to mean "dung"


Anymore??

Derryck.
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 12:23:56 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Rules for PASSWORD SELECTION

/Gateways/Usenet/rec/humor/funny/RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS
6939.3.3218.1 RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS
7/3/92 16:30 61/2781 meulenbr@vdp-he.ce.philips.nl (Frans Meulenbroeks)
Lines 1 to 61 of 61 (100%)
-----
[Got this one from Piet Verbruggen. I think it is funny and instructive!]

CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471

In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities,
and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities,
new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of
passwords.  All users of computing facilities are instructed to change
their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.

RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:

1.  A password must be at least six characters long, and must not
contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or
more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order.  Example:
HGQQXP is an invalid password.  GFEDCB is an invalid password.

2.  A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position
as any previous password.  Example:  If a previous password was GKPWTZ,
then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in
both passwords.

3.  A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation
for a month.  Example:  MARCHBC is an invalid password.  VWMARBC is an
invalid password.

4.  A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month.
Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid.
Example:  WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric
representation for the month of March.

5.  A password may not contain any words from any language.  Thus, a
password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT,
ME, or TO because these are all words.

6.  A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which
are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or
diagonal direction.  Example:  QWERTY is an invalid password.  GHNLWT is
an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each
other.  HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally
adjacent to each other.

7.  A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing.
Example:  JOHNBOY is an invalid password.

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is
actually only one password which passes all the tests.  To make the
selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed
to all supervisors.  All users are instructed to obtain this password
from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

----
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 10:48:52 -0600
From:         Chester Hodges <CHESTER@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>

There was a farmer who had three daughters.
One night A man came to the door.
He said, "Hi I'm Freedy I'm here to take Betty to eat spaghetti."  So Freddy
left with Betty.
Another man came to the door.
He said, "Hi I'm Lou I'm here to take Sue to the zoo."  So Lou left with Sue.
A third man came to the doo.
He said "Hi, I'm Chuck...." And the farmer shot him.
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:06:50 -0400
From:         Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject:      Lines from Stand-up Comics

David Seinfeld: People's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is
death. This means, to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral,
you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Denis Leary: Nonsmokers love these little facts...Smoking takes 10 years
off your life. Well, it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? The ones at
the end! It's the wheelchair, the adult diaper, kidney dialysis years. You
can have 'em!

Tim Allen: If it ain't broke, you probably still can fix it.

Rita Rudner: In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

George Burns: I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my
name's not there, I eat breakfast.

Paula Poundstone: I dont' like sex. The only way I could get married is if I
married a Mormon, so there'd be enough wives and someone could take my shift.

Janeane Garofalo: My hell will be the Stairmaster ring of Dante's Inferno.

Dennis Miller: Manson kills 14 people and he's on TV more than I am.

SNL: Weekend Update...The first 1800 US troops sent into Somalia today have
just been eaten. More on that as it develops.

Jay Leno: In Connecticut, a prisoner on death row has gone on a hunger
strike...here's a problem that pretty much takes care of itself.

Richard Jeni: X-rated movies should be called Stuff That Never Happens to
You Ever.

Richard Belzer: You know you're at a 90's party when someone says, "I heard
this great book."

Elayne Boosler: I tried Slim-Fast. A delicious shake in the morning, then
migraines and diarrhea for the rest of the day.

Richard Lewis: You don't want to be in bed with somebody who says, "I'll
race you to sleep."

Louie Anderson: When you're getting pulled over, where do you pull over?
Somebody said, "Pull over to a safe spot." So, I drove home.

Gallagher: I know why God made babies cute...so we won't kill 'em.

George Wallace: There should be an airline for fat people. The motto:
"Doing our best to get your big ass off the ground."
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 18:08:20 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Fortran code..

Spotted hidden in around 75,000 lines of fortran code:

......
      CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FBUM',FBUM,ErrNo)   <<<
      CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FPAR',FPAR,ErrNo)
      CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FSLUT',FSLUT,ErrNo) <<<
      CALL ReadChar(InFile,'FBSF',FBSF,ErrNo)

.....

Derryck.
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:42:05 EST
From:         ROBERT RYAN <ROBERT_RYAN@CCMAIL.GSFC.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      Diving-n-Drinking Monkey (sexual content)

The other day there was a strange accident on the local interstate,
where the only survivor was a monkey. A man and a woman were found
in the back seat dead.  The state trooper at the scene, commented
to his partner, while looking at the monkey "If that monkey could
talk, we would know what happened here".  The monkey suddenly
started shaking his head up and down, as if to say "I CAN I CAN".
The state trooper walked over to the monkey and said "Do you
understand me".  The monkey started shaking his head up and down
vigorously. The state trooper could not believe his eyes, but asked
the monkey "What happened here ?". The monkey pantomimed holding a
bottle up to his lips.  The state trooper asked "Where they
drinking". Up and down the monkey's head went repeatedly.  "What
else can you tell me?" said the trooper.  The monkey held his index
finger and middle finger to his lips.  "Where they smoking dope?"
Yes yes yes motioned the monkey. "What else" said the trooper.  The
monkey took his index finger and plunged it back and forth through
a circle formed by his other hand. "They were screwing" said the
trooper.  The trooper looked back at his partner and said "What I
don't understand is who was driving?".  The monkey took hold of
the steering wheel, turned his head looking back over his right
shoulder with a big grin on his face.
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:43:27 EDT
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <ADKO@NMUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Idea-Mildly sexual Text-Clean

What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac
and a housewife?

The prostitute says "Are you through yet?" while the
nymphomaniac says "Is that all there is?" and the
housewife says "Beige.....I think I'll paint the ceiling
beige."
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 13:55:00 -05
From:         Sara Kendall <SKENDALL@IVY.BITNET>
Subject:      Lawyer joke

You know why lawyers don't eat pretzels?

Because the salt makes them shrivel up.

Sara Kendall skendall@ivy.bitnet
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 17:18:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      another lion joke (bad pun/bad word)

Speaking of lion jokes:

A mighty lion escaped from the zoo.  He rampaged.  He frightened
the populace.  He ate an editor, but people still wanted him
caught.  Then he ate a prostitute and fell asleep.

Waking up in his cage, he groggily asked "What happened?"

"Don't you know?" asked his lioness.  "That was a bar bitch
you ate."

                                        -- Ken Laws

(As told to my brother, more or less, by a nun at his nursing school.)
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 19:58:34 MST
From:         Brian Rawlings <RAMBO@CSLABS1.CS.BYU.EDU>
Subject:      Creation of Black Holes

    A black hole is what happens when God divides by zero.
==========
Date:         Mon, 2 Aug 1993 22:17:19 EDT
From:         Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      American political humor

Political humor via *The Santa Cruz Comic News*

---(Kirschen)---
American: Just a few years ago Russia was a real threat to the
West.
American: And now we've got practically nothing to fear from
Moscow.
Voice of doubt: Uh ... what do you mean practically nothing to
fear.
American: I mean ... other than their trying to borrow money
from us.

---(Toles)---
The West: Fiercely independent region of the US, where the
proud traditions of welfare logging, welfare mining and
welfare ranching continue to this very day. Defenders of the
great democratic principle: one man, two senators. (Sign:
Federal Lands--Taxpayer subsidized).

---(Kirk)---
Reagan: And if we hadn't supported rapists, murderers and
torturers in El Salvador, the country could have been taken
over by communists!

---(unknown)---
Why the Senator is named Sam Nunn:
How many homosexuals should be allowed in the military? Nunn.
How many homosexuals should be allowed to be teachers? Nunn.
How many of your friends are homosexuals? Nunn.

==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 09:40:15 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject:      To Lorelei E. Peters

You can't signoff from this list, ever! Nobody can. That's the humor.
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:04:08 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject:      Apocalypses Now

Maybe it's not that funny at all. I was sitting with my coffee this morning and
looking at the casualty insurers' financial ranking tables when it occured to
me that, in fact, what I am looking at is a proof the society as a whole has
become secular. For if people believed in God, they would have to believe in
Apocalypses, too. And if they believed in Apocalypses they would surely try to
get insured against it. The casualty insurers would perform better and so would
my stock. We definitelly should do something to improve that religious
education.

-- Saul (Munich)
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 05:56:34 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Allegory <Mulla>

UNDERSTANDING ALLEGORY

  Nasrudin is sitting among a circle of discipline, when one of
them asks him the relationship between things of this world and
things of a different dimension.  Nasrudin says, "You must
understand allegory."  The disciple says, "Show me something
practical--for instance an apple from Paradise."

  Nasrudin picks up an apple and hands it to the man.  "But this
apple is bad on one side," cries the disciple, "surely a heavenly
apple would be perfect."

  "A Celestial apple would be perfect," says Nasrudin, "but as far
as you are able to judge it, situated as we are in this abode of
corruption, and with your present faculties, this is as near to a
heavenly apple as you will ever get."
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:32:51 GMT
From:         lory <AIELLOL@IMIHSRA.BITNET>
Subject:      two cats

there are two man and two cats.
One man says: i want this cat but how can i acknowledge my cat tomorrow?
The other man answers: We could make a color sign up your cat|
-"No it is not a good idea"
-"We could cut an ear at your cat|"
-"No it is not a good idea"
-"We could cut the tail at your cat|"
-"No it is not a good idea"
-"We could cut a leg|"
-"No it is not a good idea"
-"We could cut the tongue|"
-"No it is not a good idea"
Now the first man is very furious, he takes away a cat and he shouts:
"STOP| I TAKE THE WHITE CAT AND YOU TAKE THE BLACK CAT||||".


email: AIELLOL@IMIHSRA.BITNET
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:46:30 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Exerpt from Horror film..

From Phantasm II,

The nasty says to a terrified "victim-to-be":

        "You think when you die you go to heaven...

         YOU COME TO ME!"

Derryck.
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 13:32:12 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject:      Sexist (with sex, of course)

Found in the New York Times, Business Section:

Did you hear about the baby born the other day with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain.

---------
My inner macho wouldn't allow me to use it as it is, so I replace penis vith
vagina. Still, it works fine.

-- Saul (Munich)
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 07:49:30 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      myth

So, if the rape myth is not true, why do we keep re-electing democratic
congresses? --Ed Johnson
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 08:52:10 EST
From:         ROBERT RYAN <ROBERT_RYAN@CCMAIL.GSFC.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      Flying Farmer (rated G)

        A farmer and his wife went to a county fair and were fascinated by a
barnstorming pilot who was offering rides for $25.  The farmer had never
seen a plane close up and he certainly had never ridden in one.
        "I'll tell you what," said the pilot, "if you and your wife can ride
in the plane with me and not utter a single sound during the whole ride, I'll
let you ride for free.  Otherwise, you pay.  How about it?"
        The farmer agreed and soon they were in the air.  The pilot was
determined to make his passengers shriek in terror.  He did loops and flips
and everything else he could think of, but the two passengers sitting behind
him never made a sound.
        After the ride, as the farmer was climbing out of the plane, the
young pilot told the old man, "I really am surprised, but as I said, you
ride for free.  I can't believe that you managed to keep silent for the
whole ride."
        "Yep," said the farmer, "but it was pretty tough.  I almost screamed
when my wife fell out."
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:35:52 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject:      Train (R)

An older priest and a young couple take a ride on a train. After a while, the
couple disappears onto the upper bunk leaving the priest below. The priest
hears some giggling and pretty soon a bit of something whitish drops down on
his sleeve.
He looks at it and ask suspiciously, "Are you fucking up there?"
"Why we're eating ice-cream!"
Relaxed, the priest picks the substance with his finger and licks it off.
Again, a drop of same size falls onto his sleeve. He picks it with a finger,
licks it and says, "Are you going to finish that ice-cream of yours?"
"Why we're fucking!"
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:47:43 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Shells

I read in this week's Science News how scientists are discovering ways
to use the stuff that comes from the shells of crabs, shrimp, etc.

Hmm, wouldn't that be unethical? I mean, that's chitin, isn't it?
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:05:42 -0600
From:         Chester Hodges <CHESTER@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>

What's the definition of a perfect woman?

a) She's 3 feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so
   you can put a pint glass on it.

b) The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in.

c) The economy model f---s all evening and at midnight turns into a roast beef
sandwich and a six pack.
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:29:44 CDT
From:         "Scott P. Muir" <SMUIR@UA1VM.BITNET>
Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Subject:      Sign

I saw this in a store this weekend.

Children Left Unattended will be Sold as Slaves.
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:32:00 CDT
From:         Mike Weatherred <CUBSFAN@KSUVM.BITNET>
Subject:      George Carlin on Abortion

''You ever notice that most of the people who are against abortion are
people you wouldn't want to f--- in the first place????''

                                    --from George Carlin
                                      ''What Am I Doin' in New Jersey''

mjw
Kansas State University
bitnet: CUBSFAN@KSUVM
internet: CUBSFAN@KSUVM.KSU.EDU

''It is far better to have tried and failed at K-State than to have
graduated from KU.''
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:38:15 -0500
From:         David Gamble <dgamble@GWYNE.NLU.EDU>
Subject:      Sign

This sign is posted at the check out stand of a convience store at my school.

"Need a penny, take a penny, need two pennies, get a job."
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 16:46:51 GMT
From:         Roberto Bendotti <BENDOTR@IMIHSRA.BITNET>
Subject:      Boiled rice served with sauce

One couple falls in love , the day of their marriage they take an oath:
"For every betrayal we put a grain of rice in a box ".
After some years the husband on the dead bed ask hopeless to the wife:
"Can we open the box now ? "
The wife answer: " Are you sure ? "
-"yes, i am very sure, it is my last replay "
The wife runs to the house to take the box, then with the husband opens the
box and there are four grains of rice.
The husband ask pardon because three grains are yours , the wife answer :
"Don't worry Harold , I HAVE ALREADY COOKED TWO TIMES BOILED RICE ||| ".

    "HA HA HA HA HA"

email: Bendotr@imihsra.bitnet
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 10:04:49 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.2     A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

        There was this girl who was such an airhead that she thought 'nirvana' was
where Wheel of Fortune contestants stand.... (Groan!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A visitor to one of the Aleutian Islands, off Alaska, broke his glasses.
 He was told by his guide that he couldn't get the glasses repaired until
he returned to Anchorage.
"You mean there aren't any optometrists on the island?" said the man.
"If you see one," replied the guide, "it will just be an optical Aleutian.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

     Why do seagulls live near the sea?
     Because if they lived near the bay, they'd be called bagels.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

There was a pediatrician--who shall remain nameless--who, though he was a
good doctor, was heartily disliked by all his young patients because in an
effort to entertain them he performed boring magic tricks.
        One day, a sharp kid got an idea for getting rid of the jerk.  As Dr. X
was doing his tricks, the kid said  -If you're such a good magician, let's
see you turn yourself into an apple.-  The doctor complied, and quick as
a wink, the brat took & shoved the apple into a box & taped the lid shut.  And
the children were jubulient because they figured they had him out of their way.
        Then someone had a troubling thought.  -How do we know he's still really
in there?- he asked.   -That's easy- said the kid, -Just weigh the box.
If it weighs less, it means he's escaped.-  So that was what they did.
                A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint.  It is
reported that both crews have been marooned.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The Basques and the Spaniards were tearing up the countryside with one of
their endless wars when the Basques chased the Spaniards into a box canyon.
 Thinking that they had trapped the enemy, the Basques fortified the only
entrance hoping to starve the Spaniards into submission.  After weeks of
waiting, the Basques were surprised by an attack on their rear and soundly
defeated: the clever Spaniards had found another way out!  The moral of the
story is, of course, DON'T PUT ALL OF YOUR BASQUES IN ONE EXIT.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

An English baker opened a bakery in a resort area in Northwest Africa.  He
featured his two specialties, traditional scones and fresh brown rolls.

For his grand opening, he offered a sample of both of his specialties free
with any purchase.  Despite this appealing promotion, his grand opening was
a failure.  For while he attracted some of the tourists in the area, none
of the local people patronized his bakery, with the exception of the reporter
for the local newspaper, who filed the following headline:

"A Roll and Scone Gathers no Moors."
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:11:00 MDT
From:         Spit Bounces <TFIELD@UNMB.BITNET>
Subject:      A whale of an undertaking

How do you circumcise a whale?
Four skin divers.
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 11:11:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      stories with a moral  (PG-13) (violence)

these are pretty bad.  no, really.  they're groaners and then some!

every day, this panhandler would always stood on the same street corner.  and
every day, the same well-dressed gentleman would pass by, on his way to work.
the panhandler always asked for two dollars for a meal, and the gentleman
always gave it to him and never even thought about it.

finally, with winter coming, the panhandler figures that he could just ask for
a larger sum, and then he wouldn't have to stand outside in the snow and cold.

the following day, when the gentleman came by, the panhandler asked for $500!
well, the gentleman was outraged!  he not only did not give the panhandler
his usual two dollars, but declared that he would never give the man another
cent!

with the loss of this regular income, the panhandler eventually died of
starvation.

which just goes to show...

you should never put all your begs into one askit!  :)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


all the counts of the kingdom got together to overthrow the king.  they
formed a pact of secrecy and swore that none would ever give away the names
of the others.

having found out a few of the names from one of the count's squire, who was
very loyal to the king.

one by one, the king summonned the counts and interrogated them upon penalty
of death to disclose the names of the other counts, in which case they would
be spared their lives.

one, particular count wasn't too sure about whether the names of his
accomplices were worth his head, but he kept silent right up to the axman's
block.

with his hands tied behind his back, and his head down on the block, the ax
was raised.

just as the executioner was bringing the ax down, the count shouted, "no!
wait!  i'll talk!"  ...but to no avail.  the ax fell and that was that.

which just goes to show...

you shouldn't hatchet your counts before they chicken.  :)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


a dastardly knave, who was so poor that he was only able to build himself a
tiny, one-room house made of grass, had a fairly bizarre compulsion:  he
liked to steal the thrones out of the castles of surrounding kingdoms.

the mystery grew, day by day, because this knave was so clever.  he would
pilfer by day; he would pilfer by night.  he would creep in quietly; he
would walk in brazenly while the royal family was out on a hunt.  but he
never got caught.

finally, one day, all the thrones that he had stolen (and had hidden away in
his house) became too much for the frail, grass walls of his house to bear.
they crashed through the walls and fell all about his property.  a passing
knight errant saw what happened, reported to his king what he had seen, and
the poor knave was put to death for his deeds.

which just goes to show...

people who live in grass houses shouldn't stole thrones!  :)
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 14:47:54 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      an even worse moral story

there was this black man who always wanted to be white.
one day he found a genie, who said that he would grant him 3 wishes.
the man promply wished that the genie make him
                                               (1) white
                                               (2) uptight
                                               (3) out of sight
the genie turned him into a tampon.

which goes to show......
                        there are always strings attached.

BARF,
     Sammie
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:15:10 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      My favorite limerick

I'm sure you covered limericks before I got here, but here's my favorite
anyway. Before I tell you, you should know that in the study of law there is
a Latin saying--"De minimis non curat lex"--translating roughly as 'the law
does not concern itself with trifles.' Or so I am told.

There once was a young man named Rex,
Cursed with a diminutive organ of sex.
When charged with exposure
He replied with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex."

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
Walking proof that gentlemen do NOT prefer blondes
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:56:35 -0400
From:         Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject:      Another Sign

   *MISSING*
Husband, Shotgun
    and Dog
 Reward for Dog
==========
Date:         Tue, 3 Aug 1993 15:45:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      potato joke (clean but a real groaner)

--Boundary (ID nn6+y46MrS7ynJ/5UfrN/g)
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN


--Boundary (ID nn6+y46MrS7ynJ/5UfrN/g)
Content-type: MESSAGE/RFC822

Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1993 19:28:00 EST
Subject: Re: No gnus is good gnus
Sender: Computer-assisted Reporting & <CARR-L@ULKYVM.BITNET>
To: Multiple recipients of list CARR-L <CARR-L@ULKYVM.BITNET>
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN
Posting-date: Tue, 3 Aug 1993 00:00:00 EST
Importance: normal
A1-format:
A1-type: MAIL


::ahem::

There was once a family of potatoes: the father potato, the mother potato,
and their three potato daughters.

One day the eldest potato daughter came home and said, "Oh mother, oh
father, I am to be wed!"

"To who, daughter?" they asked.

"To the King of the Tator Tots!"

The potato parents were elated at the news.  "Oh joy!" they cried out.
"We will be royalty, and have riches far beyond our wildest dreams!"

The next day the middle potato daughter came home and said, "Oh mother, oh
father, I am to be wed!"

"To who, daughter?" they asked.

"To the Emperor of the Golden Yams!"

Once again the parents could not contain their glee.  "Hurrah!" they
exclaimed.  "We will be amongst the most powerful potatos in the entire
kingdom!"

The next day the youngest potato daughter came home and said, "Oh mother,
oh father, I too am to be wed!"

The potato parents were absolutely astonished.  How much better could
their lives actually get?  "Tell us, daughter," they implored, wide-eyed
and hopeful, "who are you to wed?"

"I'm gonna marry John Chancellor!"

The smile fell from the faces of the potato parents as they looked at each
other, nonplussed.  Then the father potato looked back at his youngest
daughter and said, "John Chancellor?  But....he's such a..._common_ tater!"



___________________________________________________________
Aaron Dickey                    kieran@phantom.com

More insomniacs subscribe to World News Now than to any
other mailing list!     wnn-request@world.std.com

--Boundary (ID nn6+y46MrS7ynJ/5UfrN/g)--
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:13:01 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject:      Re: an even worse moral story

>there was this black man who always wanted to be white.
>one day he found a genie, who said that he would grant him 3 wishes.
>the man promply wished that the genie make him
>                                               (1) white
>                                               (2) uptight
>                                               (3) out of sight
>the genie turned him into a tampon.
>
>which goes to show......
>                        there are always strings attached.
>
>BARF,
>    Sammie
----------------------------------
There is another version of this. The black wanted to be white and see a lot of
pussies. The genie turned him into bidet.

-- Saul (Munich)
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:41:06 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject:      Rasist (mild)

A white man comes from England to South Africa. He is looking for a hotel but
all the hotels are full so he makes up his mind to try out a hotel for blacks.
They have beds all right, but there is one problem: under the law, a white man
cannot sleep in a blacks' hotel. Since it's getting late in the night, the
receptionist has an advise to offer:
"Take this shoe-wax, rub it into your face, neck, and hands - so that nobody
could tell you from a black - and I'll give you a bed for one night. I'll wake
you up at dawn, you wash the wax off and leave the hotel before anyone
notices."
The man does what he was told.
Early in the morning, the receptionist wakes the customer up. He goes to the
bathroom and tries to wash the wax off but nothing happens. Horrified, he
scrubs and brushes, there is no more soap left, but no way,  he's still
black...
... For the receptionist woke up the wrong man.


-- Saul (Munich)
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 09:56:04 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Rasist (strong)

Two South African Police  were on patrol,
(In the strong days of passbooks, etc)
and they came across a black boy of around
12. He was out of his area, and one of the
policemen urged him to get home asap.

He started running, and the second policeman
took out his bazooka and shot the black boy
in the back.

The first one said:
"Why did you do that?"

The second one replied:
"I know where he lives, and he would never have
 been able to get there before curfew"
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:54:59 METDST
From:         "Ing. Jan Kucera" <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CS>
Subject:      Flea experiment (offensive)

WARNING! May be felt as offensive by the Russians!

A great Russian scientist Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow made experiments with a flea.

He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped 40 centimetres high.
So he took a pencil (a big Russian invention) and put the following record
in the experimental log: "I said: 'Jump,flea!' and it jumped 40 cm."

Then he tore off one of the flea's legs. He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped
30 centimetres high. He recorded: "When I tore off one leg, the flea jumped
30 cm."

Then he continued tearing off other legs and the flea jumped 20, 10, and 2
centimeters high, respectively. Everything was recorded in the log book.

When only 1 leg remained, the poor flea jumped only 1 millimeter and a half
high. Again, it was recorded.

Finally he tore off the last leg. He said: "Jump, flea!". No response. He
said again (in a high voice): "Jump, flea!". Nothing. He shouted: "Jump,
flea!!!!!". The flea did not move.

So Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow took a pencil for the last time and wrote:
 "I tore off all flea's legs and it cannot hear."

----------------------------------------------------------- 24

HUMOR025
========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 10:59:02 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <chibnik@REACH.COM>
Subject:      Russian Jokes

>From: ykk1@Ra.MsState.Edu (Yury K. Kryschenko)
Organization: Mississippi State University

Gorbachev came to one Siberian village. The only one he saw there was
old, very old man. He asked this old man, where all the people were.
Old man answered that all of them are it taiga. Gorbachev asked him
to call people back, because he wants to talk to common people.
Old man took his gun and fired into air. In a half of an hour
several men appeared and asked old man:"what's the matter, did
somebody brought vodka"-"No, Gorbachev came". All men , disappointed,
go back to taiga. But Gorby was not satisfied with this and asks

old man to fire again. He did it and again, in a half of an hour,
several man appeared

"What's happening, did somebody brought vodka?"
"no, Gorbachev came"
"Did you missed the first time?"
----------------

Andropov, the head of Soviet Union after Brezhnev, had been dead
for 3 minutes. He was taken in Heavens and met Brznev there.
Andropov asked him: "What shall I take with me to heavens when
I'm completely dead?" and Breznew answered him "nothing, but
fork and spoon" "Why? " - said Andropov  - "You know"-
continued Brezhnew -"when Hitler is on duty in the kitchen,
he makes me and Khruschev eat with hammer and sickle"

----------------

Once a communist party functioner came to collective farm
and tald farmers about the life in next 20-30 years, when
communism will be built. He says: "Ewereyone of you will
have your own helicopter or plane". "Why do we need it?"
- asked one old woman. "don't you understand? let's say
they have no bread in the store near you. You get into
your plane, and go to Moscow!"

----------------
>From: mxk4576@ritvax.isc.rit.edu
Organization: Rochester Institute of Technology

"I like collecting jokes about myself."  Says Carter to Brezhnev. "I
have already collected three volumes."

"I also enjoy collecting jokes about myself."  Answers Brezhnev. "I
have already collected three full prisons."

And one more:

Q: What would happen if communists conquered the Sahara?
A: Nothing for the first five years, and then they would run out of sand.
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 12:58:54 -0400
From:         "Brian K. Auger" <bauger@CAP.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Difference between (both vulgar & insensitive)

What is the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epilectic
oysterman?

Well---one shucks between fits...



Brian K. Auger                          bauger@cap.gwu.edu
Montgomery County Department of Public Libraries
ROCKVILLE REGIONAL LIBRARY
99 Maryland Avenue                      301 217 3857
Rockville, Maryland  USA 20850          301 217 3931 (fax)
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 13:36:59 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      Clintonomics

Did you hear the President's speech last night where he was promoting his new
budget? Great stuff. He balances it by taxing us retroactively, and the tax
cuts don't come until 1997. (Didn't I see this done in Time Square with a pea
and three shells?) Hey, I like this Clinton stuff.  Let's apply it to Congress
as well. My incumbent can count on my vote, as long as it's not counted before
the tax cuts take effect in 1997, otherwise he can take his retirement, retro-
actively.
                                --Ed Johnson
                                  University of Alabama
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 12:19:46 -0700
From:         "S., James" <JAMES@UCRAC1.UCR.EDU>
Subject:      gates humor (G)

From:   SMTP%"OS2-L@HEARN.nic.SURFnet.nl"  4-AUG-1993 12:16:32.19
To:     JAMES
CC:
Subj:   Humor: More tastefull Gates Humor, OK so don't read it.

Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 12:07:30 PDT
Sender:       IBM OS/2 Unedited Discussion List <OS2-L@HEARN.nic.SURFnet.nl>
From:         "Bruce A. Miller (x2380)" <9118MILL%UCSBVM.bitnet@HEARN.nic.SURFnet.nl>
Subject:      Humor: More tastefull Gates Humor, OK so don't read it.
To:           Multiple recipients of list OS2-L <OS2-L@HEARN.nic.SURFnet.nl>

Got the following passed on from Source Unknown.  OK, so its not
as amusing as Adaptech adaptors or some such.  Just send your complaints
direct to me..
===========
Monday morning God decided that the world had reached the point of no return.
So, he called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to the gates of
heaven.  He informed them of his decision and told them to go back to their
people and prepare them for the end of the world on Thursday.

Boris Yeltsin gets on state television and tells his people that he has bad
news and worse news.  After decades of telling the Soviet citizens that there
is no God, he now realizes that he was wrong.  He has seen God with his own
eyes.  Worse yet, God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to
prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.

Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says that he has good news and bad
news.  After centuries of telling the US citizens that there is a God, he has
proof that we've been right.  He has seen God with his own eyes.  But the bad
news is that God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to
prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.

Bill Gates calls an all-hands meeting.  He says that he has wonderful news and
even more wonderful news.  God, by calling him to the gates of heaven with the
leaders of the two most powerful nations in the world, has just confirmed how
important Bill Gates really is.  The even better news is that on Thursday, IBM
will stop shipping OS/2.

----------- End Forwarded Message -----------
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 15:49:18 EST
From:         Peter Greenberg <AISPG@CUVMC.BITNET>
Subject:      Commuter Joke (inoffensive)

Two commuters see each other every day on the train station for 14 years and
have never said a word to each other.  Finally, one commuter addresses the
other:  "You know, for 14 years, we see each other every day and we've never
once spoken."

Other commuter says, "You're right.  That really is terrible.  So, tell me,
how are you?"

First commuter says, "Oy, don't ask!"
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 14:41:57 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Final Cut (R)

From Entertainment Weekly magazine:

By now everyone has heard about the Manassas, Va., man whose
wife, claiming he had raped her, cut off his penis with a
kitchen knife.  A team of surgeons successfully re-attached
the offending member, but there's an even happier outcome:
Now the unidentified spouses are trying to sell TV-movie
rights to the story.  Naturally, they're going to need a
title, and, for their consideration, Entertainment Weekly
would like to make a few suggestions:

Cutter and Bone
Bye Bye Birdie
Farewell My Lovely
She's Gotta Have It
Divorce American Style
Little Man Tate
Return of the Pink Panther
Poetic Justice
Pee-Wee's Big Adventure
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
You Can't Take It With You
Where's Poppa?
Free Willy
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 19:31:30 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: My favorite limerick- Offensive to Most!

Beth Woodell's limerick reminds me of my favorite:

Betty Sue's masturbational style
Was enhanced by Frenchified guile.
She used a weiner;
It was neater and cleaner.
Now, she's a confirmed francophile.

Lee Bradley
Assistant Professor of -- you guessed it! -- French
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 17:22:05 -0700
From:         "S., James" <JAMES@UCRAC1.UCR.EDU>
Subject:      boreland -- this may be true! (adult language)

Subj:   Brain behind Borland's most popular C++ compiler laid off !

Date: Wed, 4 Aug 93 13:54:20 PDT
From: Jules.Damji@eng.sun.com (Jules Damji)

--Microsoft must have an insider at Borland to find out so quickly.

Talk about fuck ups!


Subj:   Brain behind Borland's most popular C++ compiler laid off !

* ---------------------------------------------
* From PCWeek July 13, 1993
*
* During a round of lay-offs at Borland recently, the man behind the
* company's slick new C++ compiler was surprised and more than a little
* miffed to get a letter saying that his was one of the heads to roll. So
* he packed his bags and made for the car park. Days later, Borland's
* personnel dept realized that there had been a minor administrative error.
* They hadn't meant to sack the most technially brilliant chap at the
* company after all - just someone with the same surname. Philip Kahn got
* on the phone in person offering copious apologies and an even fatter
* salary than ever if he were to agree to return.
*
* "F**K you - Microsoft called 2 hours after I left. I start on Monday,"
* came the reply.
*
********
an update to the Borland story.....

From: Denis Gilbert(Microsoft)

I can help clear this up:

The article is referring to Sin Lew, the lead who almost
single-handedly wrote the Bore-land 32-bit optimizer and back end,
shipping in Borland's OS/2 product and currently holding up their NT
product. He was laid off in December and, yes, I was on the phone
within the hour and hired him.

He's the lead on our PowerPC compiler project and really smoking.
Because of his contribution, we'll be demoing MS Apps running native on
Mac/PowerPC the day Apple announces their new systems.

This, in my opinion, ranks as one of Borland's biggest fuck-ups ever.

* * *
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 20:24:10 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      some humorous advice for lovers

Don't keep telling the lady you are unworthy of her. Let is be a
complete surprise. (Catskill Mountain News of Margaretville, NY)

Cupid's darts hurt more coming out than going in. (Arizona Silver Belt,
Miami Arizona)

A sensible girl is more sensible than she looks, because a sensible girl
is too sensible to look sensible. (Tribune, Chanute, Kansas)

Our high school junior girl, who really settled down during the last
semester to improve her mind, says she's sorry she did, because most of
the boys she knows began to seem stupid. (Graphic, Lake City, Iowa)

The moon not only pulls the ocean back and forth in the tides, but it
stops cars on side roads. (Farmer's Press, Towner, N.D.)

==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 21:41:52 EST
From:         Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Pygmies & women <very crude, cute double pun>

What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's
track team?

Well, a tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning little runts! :-)
==========
Date:         Wed, 4 Aug 1993 23:03:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      letter to congressman/one bad word

I was rooting through some files, and came across this photocopy of what
appears to be a letter to a congressman from an elderly lady...

Dear Congressman Tyler:

        I want to thank you for helping me get my increase in my S.S.I.
payment.  I had enough money left last month to buy me a radio.  It is so
much company to me.  I have been here in the Stockton nursing home since my
dear husband passed away 3 years ago.  I never have any visitors so my new
radio means a lot to me.  Mrs. Pearl Carnes, who lives in the next room,
has had a radio since she came here 2 years ago but she would never let me
listen to it.  She is 85 years old and I will be 83 March 3.  Lask week,
her radio fell off the table and broke and she asked me if she could listen
to mine and I said fuck you.

                        Sincerely yours & may God bless you,

                                        Maud Davis

***
Shirl
kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 07:15:01 EDT
From:         Just For Laughs <humour@ERIE.IRC.NRC.CA>
Subject:      personal growth

One person's personal growth is often another's yeast infection.

When passing by aerobics classes I often think that clothes do
make the man, but spandex makes the woman.
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 08:03:10 CDT
From:         "Scott P. Muir" <SMUIR@UA1VM.BITNET>
Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Subject:      Church joke

A man in a small mountain church in Southern Appalachia had "pleasured
hisself" with a woman of the town, and the members of the congregation
gathered to decide whether or not to "church" him.  They met all afternoon,
one group arguing to throw him out and the other arguing to forgive him.

Finally one old woman in the back of the church stood up.  "Brethern" and
sistern," she said, "I've been a member of this church for forty years.  All
it's ever been around here is fornicate and forgive, fornicate and forgive,
fornicate and forgive.  And I'm telling you I'm tired of being the one that's
always a'doin' the forgivin'!"
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 08:24:21 -0500
From:         David Gamble <dgamble@GWYNE.NLU.EDU>
Subject:      Bumpersticker

Saw this one on a car the other day.

        "Defeat Hillary in '96"
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 10:37:00 GMT
From:         David French <david_f@S3DUB.IE>
Subject:      dyslexics

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac ?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

----------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper ?
He sold his soul to Santa.

==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:39:20 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject:      Lesbian (rated R)

Q. What makes the lesbian to climb up the wall?
A. A crack in the ceiling.
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 11:22:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      still one more sign!  :)  (G)

notice on the wall in a physics lab:

do not look directly into
laser with remaining eye!

be seeing you,

oxo
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 10:13:05 -0700
From:         EMMA <WALTERS@SCC.BITNET>
Subject:      Employment Joke (Some language)

Preface to joke:
Around 1985-86 our district brought in a consulting firm to
evaluate positions and salaries and to make recommendations. A
FEW employees benefited. The MAJORITY lost future step
advancements and/or had their jobs reduced to a lower pay level.
As a reaction, this memo was circulated via email among
employees. Hope you enjoy this.
***********
TO      ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEES
FROM    GOVERNING BORED
DATE    22 APR 1986

1.      As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we must
drastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement,
thus permitting management to focus its abuse on younger
employees who represent our future.

2.      Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the
end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed
into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE
(Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will be
given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system at
greatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program is
called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

3.      All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply
for a new re- employment eligibility service. This service will
be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Current regulations state that employees may only
be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as
many times as management deems appropriate.

4.      If an employee meets all of the above requirements,
he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired
Persons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plan
since the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED by
management. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for Immediate
Displacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications,
one should only request this service once.

5.      Employees can enhance their retention prospects by
signing up for additional training. It is now and always has been
the policy of management to ensure all employees are well trained
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have given
our employees more SHIT than any other organization in the
country. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough
SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is
especially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT you
can stand.

6.      To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, only
upper-management and their selected brown-noses will be given
raises and exempt status from the above programs.

             Yu Bien Haad
             MCCCD GOVERNING BORED

P.S.    We in upper management would like to once again applaud
the HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable study;
heck, we couldn't have paid anyone to make up a better report!


*****************
Emma Walters

Computer and Instructional Technology Services
Scottsdale Community College            Walters@scc
9000 E. Chaparral                       (602) 423-6220
Scottsdale, AZ 85250                    (602) 423-6200 FAX
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 11:51:14 -0700
From:         Mary Anne Duggan <CXOZI@ASUACAD.BITNET>
Subject:      Bumper sticker

     Even though I am a teacher, I found this one to be really funny.  In my
area, it is not uncommon to see bumper stickers that read something like
this:
      "My child is an honor student at Adams Elementary!"

      I was driving behind this beat up old truck with a bumper sticker which
read:
      "My kid beat up your honor student!"

Mary Anne Duggan            CXOZI@ASUACAD
Arizona State University       "Life is what happens while you're busy
Counselor Education Program     making other plans."
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:08:18 -0400
From:         Brett Malone <malone@CADSERV.CADLAB.VT.EDU>
Subject:      Bumper Sticker jokes. (Clean)

If I read another stupid bumper sticker joke, I'll puke.

(Hey, maybe that should be a bumper sticker.)

Brett Malone
Virginia Tech
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 13:19:45 -0700
From:         Brian Rawlings <RAMBO@CSLABS1.CS.BYU.EDU>
Subject:      Ashes to Ashes

You know you have a bad funeral director when he replaces your
dead relative's ashes with Folgers Crystals. --

Brian Rawlings
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:43:00 EDT
From:         Alex Leary <LEARYJ@SNYCORVA.BITNET>
Subject:      Top ten ways to annoy your room-mate!

Date sent:  5-AUG-1993 15:39:54
A friend passed this along:
     #10 Put all your socks and underwear in his closet and accuse
him of stealing them.
     #9  Put twinkies in the bottom of a trash can; when you get
hungry, dig through the trash to get something to eat.

#8 If your room-mate takes the trash out before you get hungry,
demand he reimburse you.

#7 Levitate.... When your room-mate turns to see, fall back down
in your chair.

#6 Turn your computer on when your not using it, and off when you
are using it.

#5 Subscribe to Field & Stream; pretend to masturbate while
reading them.

#4 Array twelve toothbrushes on your dresser... refuse to discuss
them.

#3  Just before your room-mate falls asleep, ask a question that
starts

#2  Handcuff yourself to his bedpost and demand he bring you food.

#1  Collect dog shit in baby food bottles.... arrange them on a
shelf according to what you think the dog ate.



-----al
  _________________________________________________________________________
  US Snail Mail      + E-Mail                         +  Intern Reporter:
  Alex Leary         + --------SUNY Cortland-------   +   The Cortland
  35 Delaware Ave    +        Learyj@snycorva         +  Sunday Democrat
  Cortland, NY 13045 +     SNYCORVA.CORTLAND.EDU      + ------------------
  ==== + ========= +     News desk:
  Potsdam College    +  ****** (607) 756-2107 ******  +   (607) 749-6001
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     "I wanna be on top. Forever on the up and damn the competition."
  -------------------------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 13:48:34 -0600
From:         Chester Hodges <CHESTER@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      country joke (may offend Billy Ray Cyrus fans)

Garth Brooks and Billy Ray Cyrus are captured by terrorists.
They are brought up in front of a firing line.  The head terrorist asks
Billy Ray Cyrus for any last requests.  To which Billy replies "Well, I sure
would like to sing _Achy Breaky Heart_ jus' one more time!"  The head terrorist
says "fair enough".
The head terrorist then asks Garth Brooks the same question.  And Garth answers
"shot me first!"
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:46:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Bumpersticker

Saw this one on a car this very afternoon:

Protect the easily offended.  Ban everything!

Shirl
kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 14:56:28 -0700
From:         PRATT DAVID <PRATTD@CSLABS1.CS.BYU.EDU>
Subject:      Gilligans Theme Song

This version is directly from the CD containing many themes to TV classics

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
a tale of a fateful trip,
that started from this tropic port,
aboard this tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty sailin' man,
the Skipper brave and sure,
five passengers set sail that day,
for a three hour tour,
a three hour tour.

The weather started getting rough,
the tiny ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
the Minnow would be lost.
The Minnow would be lost.

The ship aground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle
with Gilligan,
the Skipper too.
A millionaire and his wife,
a movie star,
the proffessor and Mary Ann,
here on Gilligan's Isle.

(Ending verse)

So this is the tale of our castaways,
there here for a long long time.
They'll have to make the best of things,
it's an uphill climb.
The first mate and his Skipper too
will do their very best,
to make the others comf'terble
in their tropic island nest.
No phone ,no lights, no motor car,
not a single luxury
like Robinson Crusoe
it's primitive as can be.
So join us here each week my friends,
you're sure to get a smile,
from seven stranded castaways
here on Gilligan's Isle!

==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 17:30:17 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      The same act for different purpose <Mulla speaks>

This is another humorous lesson taught through the Sufi teacher (Mulla
Nasrudin).  These stories are more like one of Aesop's fables than a
joke.  Several people have written to say that they have recognized
some of these stories as Yiddish.  I've noticed that too.  Culturally
and geographically, it shouldn't be surprising that Jews, Arabs, and
Persians (Iranians) would share some similar art forms.

Now the story:

BLOWING ON HIS HAND

  Nasrudin is visited by a would-be disciple.  The man, after many
vicissitudes, arrives at the hut on the mountain side where the
Mulla is sitting.  Knowing that every single action of the
illuminated Sufi is meaningful, the newcomer asks Nasrudin why he
is blowing on his hands.  "To warm myself in the cold, of course."

  Shortly afterward, Nasrudin pours out two bowls of soup, and
blows on his own.  "Why are you doing that, Master?" asks the
disciple.  "To cool it, course," says the teacher.

  At this point the disciple leaves Nasrudin, unable to trust any
longer a man who uses the same process to arrive a different
resutls--heat and cold.
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 15:38:00 MDT
From:         "Chris Reinhart (303)556-3684" <CREINHART@CUDENVER.BITNET>
Subject:      Lawyer bashing (PG)

Here is my favorite lawyer basing joke as told to me by a relative
(who happens to be a lawyer):
        There were three surgeons at a cocktail party discussing their
work.  The first surgeon says "I like working on accountants because
all of their parts are numbered".  The second surgeon says "I like
working on artists because all of their parts are color coded."  The
third surgeon says "I like working on lawyers because they only have
two parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they're interchangeable!"

Chris Reinhart
Univ. of Colorado at Denver
Auraria Library
Denver, CO
IN%"creinhart@cudnvr.denver.colorado.edu"
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 17:53:49 -0500
From:         "I thought therefore I was." <DAHMEN@VAX1.BEMIDJI.MSUS.EDU>
Subject:      Barney episodes

               BARNEY EPISODES WE'D LIKE TO SEE
                    (BUT PROBABLY WON'T!)

"BARNEY GETS A BONER"
"BARNEY'S NIGHT WITH MADONNA"
"BARNEY, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD"
"JURASSIC BARNEY"
"BARNEY TALKS TO THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN"
"BARNEY GETS THE LAB RESULTS ON THOSE GREEN SPOTS"
"BARNEY BUYS A RUBBER"
"BARNEY BARBEQUES THE BACKYARD GANG"
"PICKING UP THE DINO-DOO"
"BOPPING BABY BOP"
"BARNEY'S FAVORITE SAILOR SONGS"
"BARNEY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET"
"BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA"
"BARNEY ON A BENDER"
"BARNEY HAS NEEDS..."
"BARNEY AT BETTY FORD"
"BARNEY ADMITS EATING ALL THE ADULTS"
"BARNEY'S BIG PURPLE ONE"
"BARNEY BUYS A BLOW-UP DOLL"


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
 NOTE:  No one assumes responsibility for this drivel and we're not
        even sure where it came from (rumors are that it was left on
        our doorstep by a large yellow bird, who ran away shouting
        something about "that overstuffed purple b*stard!").
        Anyway, aspiring writers should send their creations for
        inclusion in this list to:  lasitjb@Texaco.COM

7-14-93
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 19:59:16 EDT
From:         Tom Murray <F144@MUSIC.FERRIS.EDU>
Subject:      Lawyer Jokes (Questionable)

Here is my favorite lawyer joke passed on to me by my Aunt who
works with the lushes all day long.

  Q:  Why do lawyers button their shirts all the way up?
  A:  So their foreskin doesn't come up over their heads!

==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 17:17:15 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.3  -  A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

Bumper Snickers:

On the left corner of the bumper there was a sticker saying:
        "Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy"
On the right corner of the bumper there was a sticker saying:
        "Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy"

LEMMINGS DON'T GROW OLDER, THEY JUST DIE
Speed Pays -- the doctor, the hospital, the mortuary.
Illiterate?  Write for free help.
MY  OTHER  CAR  IS  A  REAL  OTA
ONE SOVIET INVASION CAN RUIN YOUR WHOLE DAY

Seen near the Stanford Linear Accelerator:
        Beware of Quantum Ducks, Quark! Quark!
Support mental health, or I'll kill you!
Help Stamp Out Intolerance!
I'm not FOR apathy and I'm not AGAINST it.

I'VE BEEN TO THE SHOP THAT SELLS BUMPER STICKERS
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
JazzerSleep
FIGHT ORGANIZED CRIME, STAMP OUT THE IRS
I cannot be fired. Slaves have to be sold

ESCHEW OBFUSCATION
The highway of life is always under construction
DOES THE NAME PAVLOV RING A BELL?
WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES NOW GO HOME
DO LOS ANGELES A FAVOR. WHEN YOU LEAVE, TAKE SOMEONE WITH YOU.

I love, I owe, so off to work I go.
WARP 6 A Law We Can Live With
The San Diego Freeway.... Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
THE  TROUBLE  WITH POLITICAL JOKES IS THEY  GET ELECTED.
THE BEST THING TO SPEND ON YOUR CHILDREN IS TIME

I HATE BUMPER STICKERS
SUPPORT YOUR RIGHT TO ARM BEARS!
Also seen: IBM PC's eat Apples!
IGNORE APATHY
Seen on a plummer's truck:
   In my business, a flush beats a full house.
==========
Date:         Thu, 5 Aug 1993 23:38:59 EST
From:         "Bill Edwards, Columbus College, Georgia" <EDWARDS@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humorous advice to scholars <esoteria>

HOW TO WRITE A PROPERLY SCHOLARLY ARTICLE by Gerald M. Phillips
(Copyright USA 1979) published here with permission.

When I was a lad, I served a stint,
As editor of a journal in print,
I fixed the commas, corrected the words
  And made sense out of assorted sherds.
  I cleansed the stuff in all its nooks,
And now I am the author of forty-four books.

(Apologies to Admiral Sir Joseph Porter)

    If you wish to succeed in threading your way through the
academic labyrinths, you must learn to turn a neat phrase, a neat
ankle, else turn over a new leaf.  As that noted sage, Sir Basil
Metabolism was wont to remark, "It does not suffice to be soporific
alone, for doing that office is oft an eleemosynary enterprise.
One must learn prolixity, obfuscation, attentuation and art of
sesquipedalianism."  (Book of Academic Encrustation, University of
West Wombat, 1906).

    Now, witnesses to history, you may observe the unveiling of the
cornucopia of cunning and craft, known as PUTZ (Phillips' Universal
Taxonomic Zones), the proper use of which will earn you academic
credibility so long as you observe the formula throughout your
essays, assuming that all phrases are comprehensible to all and
sundry.

    You can use PUTZ merely by constructing concepts.  Choose one
word at random from columns A, B, & C.  Do this twice and connect
the two phrases with an appropriate verb (maximizes, enhances,
accretes, synthesizes, incubete, fertilizes, inseminates, obscures,
deflorates, etc.)  Verb selection will be explained in full in our
next bulletin called DRIVEL (Diversified Rudimentary Individualized
Verb Eleemosynary Lexicon.)

                    THE PUTZ LIST
Col A                  Col B                  Col C

universally            pragmatic               archetype
parametric             practical               paradigm
phenomenological       adaptive                demographic
innovative             universal               presentation
creative               efficient               prognosis
future-oriented        fanciful                forecast
statistical            visionary               strategic plan
contemporary           hard-headed             criticism
precedental            businesslike            hypothesis
imaginative            constructive            theory
productive             rhetorical              principle
deconstructionist      politically correct     manifesto
original               epistemic               interpretation
inventive              architectonic           heuristic
ingenuous              derivative              adjudication
behavioral             sophisticated           structure
generative             user-friendly           dimension
heuristic              deconstructionist       empowerment
interpersonally        correlated              generalization
functionally           confounded              epitome
meaningful             cognitive               orientation
co-oriented            synergistic             construct
empathetically         affective               concept
empirical              multivariate            design
scientific             technological           application
dialectical            analytical              synthesis
Freudian               expressive              finding

Note that words in columns A & B can be interchanged merely by
putting words in column A into adjective form and making adverbs
out of the words in Column B.  Leave column C alone, PUTZ.

==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 08:13:07 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Brit/US joke.

From a radio program:

"Relations between Britain and the U.S plummet after the John Major
 tells Bill C that,
         'The best buzz I had was watching Chelsea score'. "

Derryck.

For US: (Chelsea = soccer team)
For UK: (score = rampant Sex)
For non-political: (Chelsea = Clinton's daughter)
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 09:47:01 METDST
From:         "Ing. Jan Kucera" <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CS>
Subject:      3 limericks

The limericks that appeared on the HUMOR mailing list recently reminded me of
my favourites:

There was a young lady of Darjeeling         There was a young lady of Dhaka
Who danced with such an exquisite feeling    Who had an affair with a darkie.
  There was never a sound                      The result of her sins
  For miles around                             Were quadruplets - not twins -
Save for fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.    Two black, one white and one khaki.

And a completely decent one:

There was a young lady of Niger
Who went for a ride on a tiger.
  They returned from the ride
  With the lady inside
And a smile on the face of the tiger.

By the way - how about creating a specialized limerick mailing list?
If there is an interest, I would organize it. Please mail me, who would
subscribe.
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 08:07:39 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <mthompso@NALUSDA.GOV>
Subject:      Agric. Joke (PG/R) & Bumper Sticker

Hope this hasn't appeared on the list before, but here goes:

A rookie farm inspector passed by a farm one spring day and
decided to pay the owner a visit.  He got out of his car,
introduced himself, and said that he would like to make an
inspection.

About fifteen minutes later, he came back to the farmer and said,
"Hey, I noticed you have a nice crop of honeysuckle growing on
your land.  Mind if I get some honey?"  The farmer, surprised at
the man's stupidity, said, "No, I don't mind," and he laughed
as the inspector went off on his journey.

A little while later, the inspector returned with three jars
filled with pure honey, thanked the farmer, and drove off.  The
farmer couldn't believe what he'd just seen.

About a month went by, and the inspector returned again.  This
time, he told the farmer that during the inspection he had
noticed some milkweed on the property and asked if he could get
some milk.  The farmer, thinking this can't happen twice, allowed
him to proceed.  Sure enough, a few minutes later, the inspector
came back with several gallons of fresh milk.  The farmer just
stared in disbelief.

Towards the end of the summer, the inspector came by once more to
visit the farmer.  The farmer thought, "Oh, no.  Now what's he
going to find?!"  The inspector walked up to the farmer and said,
"Say, the last time I was here I noticed a beautiful grove of
pussywillow..."

"Wait," said the farmer, "I'm coming with you!"

----------------------

Bumper sticker seen on several cars in the D.C. area:

Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
----------------------

Bye for now!
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 13:44:21 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <NVERBOVE@BANRUC60.BITNET>
Subject:      shamus joke

A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around
the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
functionaries, and there's a joke about that:

A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!". The cantor,
not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The shamus,  deeply moved,  follows suit and cries,  "Oh,
Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
"Now look who thinks he's nobody!"

==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 13:45:42 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <NVERBOVE@BANRUC60.BITNET>
Subject:      motor insurance claims

        27 WAYS TO CONVINCE YOUR MOTOR INSURANCE AGENT
        ----------------------------------------------

-The other car collided with mine, without giving warning of it's intentions.

-I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand
 through it.

-I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

-A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.

-A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

-In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

-I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal
 joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.

-As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared to stop
 in time to avoid the accident.

-To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

-My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

-An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished.

-I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the
 street when I struck him.

-I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a
 ditch by some stray cows.

-The telephone pole was approaching fast, I attempted to swerve out of
 it's way, when it struck the front of my car.

-I hit a bus stop sign which was obscured by people.

-The gentleman behing me struck me on the backside.  He then went to rest
 in the bush with just his rear end showing.

-When I saw that I could not avoid collision, I stepped on the accelerator
 and subsequently crashed into the other car.

-The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the
 corner without giving any signal.

-The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid
 by steering it into the other vehicle.

-I had been learning to drive with power steering, I turned the wheel to
 what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going
 in the opposite direction.

-The direct cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with
 a big mouth.

-Coming home I drove in the wrong house and collided with a tree I
 don't have.

-The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve many times before
 I hit him.

-I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
 headed over the embankment.

-I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.
 As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my view,
 and I didn't see the other car.

-I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat I found
 that I had fractured my skull.

-The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 08:50:53 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU>
Subject:      Rated G

There was this little boy named johnny.  Johnny's mom was having a baby.
Johnny would go into school everyday and tell the teacher; my mommy's
gonna have a baby, my mommy's gonna have a baby.

This went on until about six months into the pregnancy, everyday, so the
teacher asks Johnny when is the baby coming.  He tells her that he
doesn't know, he only knows mommy's having a baby.  So the teacher tell's
Johnny's mom this and asks her to explain.

Johnny comes home one day and his mother approaches him and says Johnny
feel my stomach, do you feel that.  He says yes.  She says that is the
baby in there.

Well a month goes by and Johnny never once mentioned the baby to his
teacher.  she was a little concerned and asked Johnny when is the baby
coming.  Johnny says there ain't gonna be no baby.  The teacher in horror
asks why not and Johnny says, "cause mommy ate it."
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 11:20:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <ADP3S@MSU.EDU>
Subject:      Final Cut theme songs (PG)

I am taking nominations for theme songs for the probable TV movie about
the guy whose wife cut off his penis.

So far we have the following:

Cuts like a Knife
The First Cut is the Deepest
Bad to the Bone
(You Gotta Be) Cruel to Be Kind

Any others you can think of?
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 11:30:59 EDT
From:         "Tanya J. Utt" <TJUTTX@TSRV1.TS.WM.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Final Cut theme songs (PG)

=) I am taking nominations for theme songs for the probable TV movie about
=) the guy whose wife cut off his penis.
=)
=) Cuts like a Knife
=) The First Cut is the Deepest
=) Bad to the Bone
=) (You Gotta Be) Cruel to Be Kind


Ding-a-ling
Hold Your Head Up
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 11:32:00 -0400
              Ithaca College" <JMICA@ITHACAOA.BITNET>
From:         "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission,
              Ithaca College" <JMICA@ITHACAOA.BITNET>
Subject:      Yet Another Bumper Sticker...

The following was seen in Pittsburgh, PA in the late seventies:

NUKE A GAY WHALE FOR JESUS
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 11:49:58 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Professional singing

I just got the latest First Call CD, "Somethin' takes over". The
title song is a *very* fast Roarin' 20s-style gadzillion-words-per-
minute piece. Right after the printed lyrics and "who played what
instrument" section, it says:

        These vocals were done by trained
        professionals. It is not recommended that
        you try this except in the privacy of your
        own home.

I guess First Call doesn't want to be sued if your horrible rendition
drives someone bonkers 8-)
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 12:28:14 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      (Sick) What toppings would you like?

What kind of toppings would you like?
Now! NEW TOPPING AVAILABLE! Call now, King Pizza!
        Jeffrey Dahlmer Special!

[Note: human remains were found in the oven of King Pizza,
Surrey, BC on Thu, 5 Aug 93]
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 16:26:00 GMT
From:         Stuart Podell <0003647572@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject:      Re: Final Cut theme songs (PG)

What is that song that goes:

  Little Willy Willy won't go home.....
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 13:09:35 EDT
From:         Daryl Robinson <DARYL@VTVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      rednecks

I heard this early this morning on a local radio station.

You might be considered a redneck if:

People come to your door because it looks like you're having a yard sale.
You finance a tattoo.
You make change in the offering plate.
You go to the family reunion to meet women.
When you hear "say no to crack" you pull your jeans up.
If you mow your yard and you find a car.
Your dog and wallet are on chains.

Have a great day and weekend!!!
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 13:27:22 -0400
From:         Stan Planton <PLANTON@OUACCVMB.BITNET>

RE: Final cut theme songs(PG)
Some others of note:
"A Big Hunk of Love"  (Elvis, ca. 1959)
"Doctor! Doctor" (Thompson Twins, ca 1980s)
"Great Balls of Fire" (Jerry Lee Lewis)
"King of Pain" (Police, ca 1980)
"Lonesome Loser" (Little River Band)
"Method of Modern Love" (Hall and Oates)
"Moments to Remember" (Four Lads?)
"The Best of My Love" (Eagles)
or even
"Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes" (Jimmy Buffett)

Stan Planton
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 11:12:48 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.3  -  A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

----------------------------------------------------

Buttons Seen at SF Cons

Shift to the left, shift to the right, Push down, pop up, byte, byte, byte!
Planetary Engineer Fjords a speciality
I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere
Speaker to Enzymes <worn by a biochemist>
Even puppeteers have enemies

Freedom - It is our worship-word!
Incorrigible punster Do not incorrige
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations

-----------------------------------------------------------------

From T-Shirts:

Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.
I'm not playing hard to get, I am hard to get.
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
What's a nice person like me doing in a place like this?

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Don't be humble. You're not that great.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
Reality police.

Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
Better dead than mellow.
It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many stations anymore.
I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality.
I used to be an adult before I grew up.
Don't ask me any questions. I just might tell you the truth.

You can live outside the law, but you must be honest.
If you're not an idealist at 20 you have no heart, but if you're still an
idealist at 30 you have no head.
What you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying.
If its worth doing it's worth doing for money.

I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble delegate.
Mama told me there'd be years like these.
Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.
Are you making this up as you go along?
Once you accept his assumptions even a madman seems reasonable.
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 14:23:18 -0400
From:         Mike Shockley <MSHOCKLE@DREW.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor from comics (1 lawyer)

Saw these two in the comics today:  :)

Wizard of ID:
Attorney to king:  "My client pleads temporary insanity".
King:  "That's tough!...He could have picked *any* attorney!!".



Jon to Garfield:  "Would you say I'm witty?"
Garfield:  "I would if you paid me!  For food you could be
            hilarious!".  :)


Mike  "I used to give a damn.  Now I sell them!" Shockley
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 12:28:42 -0600
From:         "Computer Center Ext. 6839" <DION@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      Final Cut

Cutting Edge
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 08:43:03 -0800
From:         LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU
Subject:      Bumper sticker

My favorite bumper sticker is:

YOU CAN'T HUG YOUR KIDS WITH NUCLEAR ARMS

Larry Richards, Manager, University Computing Labs
Eastern Washington University
Internet: lrichards@ewu.edu
Phone: (509)-359-7985  US Mail: Mail Stop 89, Cheney, WA 99004
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 15:30:55 EDT
From:         Pedro Valdes <valdes@OSB5.WFF.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      bumper sticker

I saw this one the other day:

PRESERVE THE WILD LIFE.. THROW A PARTY!!
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 15:37:39 -0500
From:         Julie Kotok <KOTOK@HWS.BITNET>
Subject:      R-rated/offensive to some women

This is best told by a striaght male or gay female.
This was told to me be a freind in a strip bar:
HE said "Did you know that over 85% of women in America are battered?"
I naively answered "Oh, really"
He answers "And I've been eating them raw all this time ."

==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 15:49:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <ADP3S@MSU.EDU>
Subject:      Theme songs summarized (PG)

Nominations for theme songs for the probable TV movie about the guy whose wife
cut off his penis, which was later reattached (to her relief?!?), follow in no
particular order. These made "the final cut" in the judging.

Good job, HUMORists!

A Big Hunk of Love               -  Elvis
Bad to the Bone                  -  George Thorogood
Cuts like a Knife                -  Bryan Adams
The First Cut is the Deepest     -  Rod Stewart
(You Gotta Be) Cruel to Be Kind  -  ??
My Ding-a-Ling                   -  Chuck Berry
Hold Your Head up                -  Focus(?)
Achey Breakey Part <sic>         -  Billy Ray Cyrus
Doctor! Doctor!                  -  Thompson Twins
Great Balls of Fire              -  Jerry Lee Lewis
King of Pain                     -  Police
Lonesome Loser                   -  Little River Band
Method of Modern Love            -  Hall and Oates
The Best of my Love              -  Eagles
It's Hard                        -  The Who
Cutting Edge                     -  ??

Please mail further suggestions directly to Rich Carl, adp3s@msu.edu. Thanks!
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 15:59:31 EDT
From:         Arthur Emerson III <ae3@CTS1.MSMC.EDU>
Subject:      Bumper Sticker

(Warning: I'm sure neither of these bumper stickers is NRA approved.)


Two bumper stickers that I saw a few years ago on the same car:

   (1) Won't it be great when educational institutions have all the money
       they need, and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new
       bomber?

(Well, I guess half of it is coming true.....)    :-(

   (2) Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms.
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 15:25:00 -05
From:         Rosie Barger <RBARGER@IVY.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: lIMERICK

From one of my daughters poem books (many moons ago)

There was an old man from Blackheath
Who sat on his set of false teeth
Said he with a start
Oh my, bless my heart
I've bitten myself underneath.

Rosie
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 17:19:45 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU>
Subject:      rated PG  Lawyer Joke

     For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
     "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
     "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

                                       __
Dawn Shotts                           /  )
dawns@alpha.acast.nova.edu           /  / __.  , , , ____
                                    /__/_(_/|_(_(_/_/ / <_
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 17:21:02 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU>
Subject:      Bumper Sticker

My all time favorite:

Life is too short to dance with fat men!!!

                                       __
Dawn Shotts                           /  )
dawns@alpha.acast.nova.edu           /  / __.  , , , ____
                                    /__/_(_/|_(_(_/_/ / <_
==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 18:14:21 -0400
From:         "Brian K. Auger" <bauger@CAP.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      sorry-full bumpersticker

Pillory Hillary

==========
Date:         Fri, 6 Aug 1993 18:19:12 -0400
From:         "Brian K. Auger" <bauger@CAP.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Final cut theme songs

How about "Stiletto" (Billy Joel).

==========
Date:         Sat, 7 Aug 1993 03:46:56 -0700
From:         "S., James" <JAMES@UCRAC1.UCR.EDU>
Subject:      t-shirt

Pleeease LORD let me prove to you that wining the lottery will not spoil me

Life is too short to drink cheap wine...

james
==========
Date:         Sat, 7 Aug 1993 08:17:51 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Blessing in disguise <Mulla>

A BLESSING IN DISGUISE

  "My master taught me to spread the word that mankind will never
be fulfilled until the man who has not been wronged is as indignant
about a wrong as the man who actually has been wronged."

  The assembly is momentarily impressed.  Then Nasrudin speaks:

  "My master taught me that nobody at all should become indignant
about anything until he is sure that what he thinks is a wrong is
in fact a wrong--and not a blessing in disguise!"
==========
Date:         Sat, 7 Aug 1993 16:55:38 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject:      Multiple weddings

A man marry one of three sisters. Unfortunatelly, within a year or so she dies
and he calls her parents to tell how terribly sorry he feels. Then he asks if
he could marry their second daughter. Well, they can't blaim him for being a
bad husband to their child and they let him to have the second sister. Again,
she prematurely passes away leaving him a widower, he calls his wife's parents
to tell them what happened and asks if they wouldn't let him to marry their
third daughter, what they do.
After a short period of time, the man calls the parents and says:
"You will laugh but your third daughter had died, too!"

Saul (Munich)
==========
Date:         Sat, 7 Aug 1993 22:54:54 EST
From:         Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Navy humor <salty>

There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet.  He would make a
bet on anything and he would always win.  His shipmates were continually
losing their money to him, making them very irritated.

The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship.  The next day
the boy was transferred, and less than 15 minutes after boarding the ship, the
boy addressed his new Captain and bet him 50 dollars he had hemorrhoids.  The
new Captain had just gotten a physical and knew he had no hemorrhoids, so he
agreed to the bet.  The boy told his new Captain to drop his drawers and bend
over.  The Captain did so, and when he bent over, the boy shoved a broomstick
up the Captain's ass.  The sailor found no hemorrhoids and paid the Captain 50
bucks.  The new Captain thought this was great and wanted to call the boy's
old Captain and tell him.

When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he had just taken 50
dollars from the boy.  The old Captain replied, "How?"

"Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had hemorrhoids.  I knew I didn't
so I bet him.  He told me to drop my drawers and bend over.  When I did, he
shoved a broomstick up my ass. Hey, no hemorrhoids.  Fifty bucks I won."

The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch!  Before he left here he bet me
500 dollars that within hour he would have a broomstick shoved up your ass!"


==========
Date:         Sat, 7 Aug 1993 23:27:43 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Mottos

In a 1985 article by Calvin Trillin, he presented a number of
interesting mottos for various people, organization, and places. Here
are a few of his along with contributions from your contributor.

Akron, Ohio (Preferable to Youngstown) 
American Association of Motto-Makers (Perspicacious pithiness prized)
Arkansas (Not as bad as you might imagine) (Not so bad)
Bill Clinton (America's greatest switch hitter)
Dan Quayle (Proof that any handsome rich boy can grow up to be
   President)
Edwin Meese (Never been indicted)
Florida (Condo heaven)
Greenpeace (There would be more plants if there were fewer plants)
Hollywood (Where the superficial is deep)
International Brotherhood of Pants Pressers (Strike while the iron is
   hot)
Minneapolis (Home of the late April slush)
National Association of Manufacturers (No taxation without
   depreciation)
Nebraska (A long way across)
Oklahoma (Oklahoma is okay)
Public schools (Achievement by the calibre)
Republican Party (We do our best for the best)
Robert Dole (Proving government doesn't work)
Ross Perot (You can tell that he listens)
Rush Limbaugh (Why settle for a windbag when you can have a hurricane)
University of Alabama (Gee whiz, we have a school our football team
   is sorta proud of)

==========
Date:         Sun, 8 Aug 1993 17:39:17 -0500
From:         Leo Anderson <KICKER@VAX1.BEMIDJI.MSUS.EDU>
Subject:      Telephone songs.

Date sent:  8-AUG-1993 17:37:53


                THE CANONICAL LIST OF PHONE SONGS

                           Version 1.0
                      Last Updated: 6/20/93
    Maintained by Keith Maddock (pchaos!keithm@pail.rain.com)
        See contribution guidelines at the end of the file

     The numbers in parentheses preceding each one lined song
corresponds to the contributor from the listing at the end of the
                              file.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


            Commas are pauses, hyphens are held notes.

             -=-###-=-Mary Had A Little Lamb-=-###-=-

(2)     3212333,222,133,212333322321
        or
        3212333,222,133,3212333322321
        or
(3)     3212333,222,399,3212333322321
>
>                  -=-###-=-Jingle Bells-=-###-=-
>
>(4)     333,333,39123,666-663333322329,333,333,39123,666-6633,399621
>        or
>(3)     333,333,39123,666,6633,3332232,9,333,333,39123,666,66333399621
>
>                 -=-###-=-Frere Jacques-=-###-=-
>
>(4)     1231,1231,369,369,9*9631,9*9631,111,111
>
>                -=-###-=-Olympic Fanfare-=-###-=-
>
>(4)     3-9-91231,2222-32112312,3-9-91231,2222-32112321
>
>              -=-###-=-The Butterfly Song  -=-###-=-
>
>(4)     963,23621,3693236236932362,963,23621
>
>                 -=-###-=-Happy Birthday-=-###-=-
>
>(5)     112,163,112,196,110,8521,008,121
>
>              -=-###-=-Generic Arabian tune-=-###-=-
>
>(1)     453 54 4569564 459 9#95458 8987 453 54
>
==========
Date:         Sun, 8 Aug 1993 17:45:07 -0500
From:         Leo Anderson <KICKER@VAX1.BEMIDJI.MSUS.EDU>
Subject:      WifeSpeek (some language)

Date sent:  8-AUG-1993 17:43:20

        I know I'm only allowed on post a day, But I'll be out of town
        for awhile, so I'm leaving this for everyone.
>
>
>           "The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding His Wife"
>
>     WIFESPEAK                 ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
>     ---------                  ------- ----------
>* You want             <==>    You want
>* We need              <==>    I want
>* It's your decision   <==>    The right decision should be obvious by now
>* Do what you want     <==>    You'll pay for this later
>* We need to talk      <==>    I need to complain
>* Sure,... go ahead    <==>    I don't want you to
>* I'm hungry           <==>    (a) Make me something to eat
>                               (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together
>                                   your last $$, and go drive across town
>                                   and get me something to eat. ... I don't
>                                   care if what you are doing is important.
>* I'm not upset                <==>    Of course I'm upset, you moron
>* You're,... so manly  <==>    You need a shave and you sweat a lot
>* You're certainly     <==>    Is sex all you ever think about?
>  attentive tonight
>* I'm not emotional!   <==>    I'm having my period
>  And I'm not over-
>  reacting!
>* Be romantic, turn    <==>    I have flabby thighs
>  out the lights.
>* This kitchen is so   <==>    I want a new house
>  inconvenient
>* The car is empty     <==>    Go fill it up
>* The trash is full    <==>    Take it out
>* The dog is barking   <==>    Go outside in your underwear and see what is
>                               wrong
>* I want new curtains  <==>    and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
>* I need wedding shoes <==>    the other 40 pair are the wrong shade of white
>* Hang the picture      <==>   NO! I mean hang it there!
>  there
>* I heard a noise      <==>    I noticed you were almost asleep
>* Do you love me?      <==>    I'm going to ask for something expensive
>* How much do you love <==>    I did something today you're really not going
>  me?                          to like
>
>
>In answer to "What's Wrong?"


>
>* Nothing              <==>    Everything
>* Everything           <==>    My PMS is acting up
>* Nothing, really      <==>    It's just that you're such an asshole
>* I don't want to talk  <==>   Go away, I'm still building up steam.
>  about it
>
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 16:49:07 +1000
From:         Julie Ledster <jxl@CCADFA.CC.ADFA.OZ.AU>
Subject:      'BECAUSE WE ARE MEN'  Mildly sexist

Please take the following as intended "for a giggle".

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the Rat
Race, you're a mail chauvinist pig.  If you stay at home and do the
housework, you're a pansy.  If you work too hard, there is never any
time for her and the kids.  If you don't work hard enough, you're a
good for nothing layabout.  If she has a boring repetitive job with
low pay, that is exploitation.  If we have a boring repetitive job
with low pay, we should get off our asses and find something better.

If a man gets a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism, is she
gets a promotion ahead of a man, that is equal opportunity.
If we mention how nice she looks, that is sexual harassment, if we
keep quiet, that is typical male indifference.  If we cry, we're
a shiela (Aust. for girly), if we don't we're an insensitive bastard.
If a man thumps her, that's wife bashing, if she thumps him, that's
self defence. If he makes a decision without consulting her, he's a
chauvinsit, if she makes a decision without regard for his feelings,
then she's a liberated woman.  If he asks her to do something she
doesn't enjoy, that is domination, if she asks him, it's a favour.

If we appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, we're sexaul
perverts, if we don't notice, we're poofters.  If we like a woman
to keep in shape and shave her legs, that is sexist, if we don't
care, that is unromantic.  If we try to keep ourselves in shape,
that is vanity, if we don't we're slobs.
If we buy her flowers, we're after something, if we don't we're
forgetful.  If we are proud of our achievements, we're up ourselves,
if we aren't, we're not ambitious.  If we ask for a cuddle we never
thind of anything else but sex.  If we're totally wacked after a bad
day at the office, we never give a stuff about other people's needs.
If she has a headache, it's because she's tired.  If he has a headache,
it's because he doesn't love her anymore.  If we want it too often,
we're oversexed, if we can't perform on cue, there must be someone
else.


There is one female out here who does consider male feelings.
Julie Ledster.

Sorry, if this is a bit too long, but it's my first contribution
to HUMOR, so I thought I'd make up for the times I haven't sent
anything.
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 08:22:38 CDT
From:         "Scott P. Muir" <SMUIR@UA1VM.BITNET>
Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Subject:      t-shirt, tennis shoes, and collges jokes

T-shirt

"It's not pretty being Easy."


Tennis shoes

Did you hear about the new tennis shoes?  They are called Dyke (pronounced
like Nike).   Well, they had to be recalled.  The toungues were too short.

College

What's the best thing to come out of Auburn University?
I-85!
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 09:32:06 EDT
From:         Pedro Valdes <valdes@OSB5.WFF.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      fire engine joke

A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery.  Fire engines from all
around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it
out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning
oil and gas.  Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and
now they all just sat wondering what to do.

Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the
distance.  It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all
night in response to this alarm.  To the amazement of all of the firemen,
the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a
leisurely halt right at the base of the fire.  The men in the tiny truck
leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and
proceeded to extinguish the fire.

The next dat at an awards ceremony for the 6 heoic men of the tiny fire
company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.

"What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of
money?", asked the Governor.

"Well," replied the old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do with
it is fix the brakes on that old truck!" 8-)
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 14:51:10 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Too many sausages (R)

These two beggars( Say Bill & Ted), on the street thought up a
scheme to get free meals. They would buy a sausage(all they could
afford), and go into posh restaurants, and feast. Then, before
they get the bill, Ted would whip out this sausage, and Bill would
suck it, thus horrifying the patrons, and they would be tossed out
without paying.

They went to threee or four restaurants and successfully did this
trick. Then the following ensued:
Bill:   "Lets change roles, since my lips are getting sore"
Ted:    "O.K, just a few more restaurants..."
Bill:   "Well at least lets change the sausage.. Weve been using it
         for the last 4 days, and it tastes a bit sour.."

Ted:    "What sausage?? I chucked it away after the first restaurant!"

:):):):):):)):)::):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)):):):):)

These two naive boys (from Norway, say) were hitch-hiking across Scotland
 and stayed overnight at a farmers house. In the middle of the night,
the farmer's nubile daughter came over to their room and initiated
some sexual play with them. She said, "Wear this, to prevent me from
getting pregnant(condoms)", then fucked them well, and they leftthe
following day.
A couple of months later, and many miles away, the older boy said to
the younger one: "Do you ever think of ... (the daughter)?.
The younger one: "No, not really"
The older one: "I dont want her to get pregnant, but I really want to
                take this thing off.(condom)"
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 11:12:11 EDT
From:         Pat Timpanaro <pat@PHARLAP.COM>
Subject:      Bumper Sticker

I saw this bumper sticker on a van on the way to work this morning:

So Many Pedestrians...

So Little Time
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 10:40:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <ADP3S@MSU.EDU>
Subject:      Movie theme songs  < PG >

Theme songs for the movie about the guy whose wife cut off his penis (Ouch!!),
which was later reattached (to her relief?!?), follow. These made "the final
cut" in the judging, and THIS IS THE FINAL POST. "Keep it up," HUMORists!  ;->

You've Lost That Loving Feeling  -  Righteous Brothers
Mack the Knife                   -  Sinatra version
Whole Lotta Love                 -  Led Zeppelin
Lord of the Thighs               -  Aerosmith
Big Ten Inch                     -    ditto
Feel Like Making Love            -  Bad Company
One of These Nights              -  Eagles
She Drives Men Crazy             -  ??
Who's Sorry Now                  -  Connie Francis
I Am Woman                       -  Helen Reddy
Beat It                          -  Michael Jackson
Too Hot to Handle                -  Heatwave
A Big Hunk of Love               -  Elvis
Bad to the Bone                  -  George Thorogood
Cuts like a Knife                -  Bryan Adams
The First Cut is the Deepest     -  Rod Stewart
(You Gotta Be) Cruel to Be Kind  -  ??
My Ding-a-Ling                   -  Chuck Berry
Hold Your Head up                -  Argent
Achey Breakey Part <sic>         -  Billy Ray Cyrus
Doctor! Doctor!                  -  Thompson Twins
Great Balls of Fire              -  Jerry Lee Lewis
King of Pain                     -  Police
Lonesome Loser                   -  Little River Band
Method of Modern Love            -  Hall and Oates
The Best of my Love              -  Eagles
It's Hard                        -  The Who
Cutting Edge                     -  ??

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 12:47:05 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      More mottos

In the spirit of the previously posted mottos, I offer two that I cannot take
credit for: On a George Carlin album, possibly "A Place For My Stuff!", he
does a game-show spoof where one of the prizes is a weekend in Dover, Delaware.

        "Dover! The City That Means Well."

The other spoof was on Carson a few years ago. This is the time of year when the
(American) TV networks come out with their slogans for the new fall lineup of
shows, like: "CBS--Watch Us Now" or "ABC--You Haven't Seen Anything Yet", etc.
Well, Carson's writers came up with a raft of spoofs, and the only one I
remember well was

        "The Playboy Channel: Because a hand is a terrible thing to waste."

(Note to European subscribers: This line is a take-off on the non-profit
United Negro College Fund's slogan: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste.")

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
Founder and charter member, Maryland Grammar Police (our slogan: "Misplace
that comma and you're booked.")
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 13:31:05 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Idioms <mildly amusing>

*Dyed-in-the-wool*
    This phrase has come to mean genuine, true friend, one who sticks
with you in good or bad times. If wool yarn is dyed before it is woven
into cloth, the dye will penetrate completely, and the color will
last, whereas if the cloth is woven before it is dyed, it will only
color the surface and, as the cloth becomes worn, the color will
disappear.

*Fish or cut bait*
    There is no place for an idle person on fishing boat, so if you
don't have something more useful to do even a child can cut bait for
the others. It's easy to see how this applies in other situations.

*Mealy-mouth*
    This is derivation from a Greek expression meaning "honey-mouth."
It is used to describe a person who uses sweet, honeyed words
hypocritically in order to curry favor with those more popular or
more powerful.
==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 13:23:00 -05
From:         Linda Guy <LGUY@IVY.BITNET>
Subject:      t-shirts

That's MS. Bitch To You.

51% Sweetheart, 49% Bitch...
Don't Push Me!

C.P.A.
Certified Pain In The Ass

Don't Ask Me!
I've Got 2 Balls But Neither Of Them Are Crystal!

When I woke up this morning I had one nerve left
And now you're getting on it!

I got this T-Shirt for my HUSBAND...
GOOD TRADE, HUH?

==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 13:30:41 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Nothing to Do #1

        FUN THINGS TO DO.

        read the obituaries.
        See how many times you can flush the toilet in a
                ten minute period.
        Trace your hand with a pencil.
        Open the screen door and see how far you can run
                before it slams.
        Blow up a paper bag...

==========
Date:         Mon, 9 Aug 1993 19:05:43 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <BJLANNING@DELPHI.COM>
Subject:      New Space Station

CLINTON APPROVES NEW SPACE STATION DESIGN

Washington, August 8 (PETER FUNK PRESS).

      President Clinton announced his choice for the design of the
proposed space station at a photo opportunity in the White House
garden. Surrounded by Jon Luc Picard, DATA, and Mr. Spock, crew
members of the starship Enterprise, Clinton said," The new space
station will enable America to boldly go where no man in his right
mind would go before and to seek out new life and new civilizations
that take traveler's checks and have duty free liquor. Whoopee!"

      Upon completion of the ceremony, Picard, Data, and Spock
accompanied the President into the White House where Spock
practiced the Vulcan mind technique on President Clinton and united
the thoughts of their brains. This gave Spock a severe headache,
and he had to take a half a bottle of aspirin and lay down for an
hour. Later, he said he would never repeat the experience and
compared it to the time he merged minds with a opossum that
graduated high school.

      Months ago Clinton ordered the National Space and Aeronautical
Association (NASA) to reduce the cost of the original design of the
space station and design a new one. The General Accounting Office
estimates the cost of the original space station at somewhere
between 25 billion and the value of King Midas' stock portfolio.
Clinton gave NASA three options: design a primo model space station
costing 15 billion dollars, an economy model costing 7.5 billion
dollars, and an el cheapo model costing $72.95. Clinton selected
the el cheapo $72.95 model.

      Before making the decision, Clinton deliberated over the
design of the space station for several days, consulting with all
his science advisors. He even had a long meeting with Socks, his
daughter Chelsea's cat, which has become his closest advisor since
his drop in approval polls. (These polls show 50% of the American
people don't approve of Clinton's performance, and another 80%
would like to fire a gun at his feet and make him dance.) Clinton
would rather brainstorm with Socks than his science advisors
because when he waves a spoon of cat food in front of Socks the cat
meows his approval at his ideas and jumps into Clinton's lap;
whereas, when he waves cat food at his science advisors, they just
lift their noses and walk out the door.

      Clinton initially wanted to cancel the space station, but
aggressive lobbying from the tourism industry influenced him to
continue the project. The tourist industry supports the space
station because it sees a huge travel market in space, particularly
the moon. It wants to build resort weight loss and exercise clinics
on the moon's surface that would enable their patrons to lose one
sixth of their body weight by doing aerobic exercises such as
drinking beer and eating creme pies.

      NASA says it can meet the President's orders by cutting out
the optional accoutrements of the space station's original design.
It will eliminate such thing as the original station's vaulted
ceilings with skylights, its four car garage, its French provincial
roof, its Italian piazza, the Dutch doors on the vapor lock, the
cyma reversa molding in the boudoirs, the Dresden porcelain in the
dining room, and the pre-Raphelite paintings in the drawing room.

      NASA also will reduce costs through simplifying the
construction of the space station and using available components
from Wal-Mart, True Value hardware stores, and junk yards. For
instance, astronauts will not eat fancy freeze dried food but
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in brown bags and canned
fruitcake. The body of the $72.95 space station will consist of
four fifty-five gallon oil drums welded together. Its computer is
a Texas Instrument solar calculator. A coat hanger sticking out of
the station's nose will serve as the antennae for communications,
and astronauts will carry a backup antennae made out of rolled up
aluminum foil. The space station will have one window: a peephole.
A disposable Kodak camera will enable astronauts to take
photographs of their missions. The station also has no toilet
facilities and astronauts will have to go outside and take a short
spacewalk to relieve themselves.

      In addition, NASA will reduce the scope of the scientific
experiments the astronauts will conduct. On account of the lack of
room in the space station, astronauts will not study such grandiose
things as the manufacture of drugs in space or the magnetic field
of the earth. They will carry out much simpler scientific
experiments. For instance, astronauts will carry out a geological
experiment in which astronauts mix baking soda and vinegar in a
plaster of paris model of a volcano and observe it for a reaction.
NASA will also conduct a biological behavioral experiment in which
astronauts will stick a photograph of an anteater in front an ant
farm while yelling, "Boo!" They will repeat the experiment without
yelling boo and record any changes in the ants' behavior.

      One of the most important experiments of the new space station
will become the search for extra-terrestrial life. If astronauts
see any aliens out of their peephole, President Clinton has given them
instructions to invite the aliens into the space station for some
fruitcake, and ask them if they know about any cool places where
earthlings might like to travel which take travelers' checks and
have duty free liquor.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 10:20:22 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <Hogne.Sandvik@ISF.UIB.NO>
Organization: University of Bergen
Subject:      Airline service

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next
to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start
due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the
pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced
that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the
doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then
asked the minister whether he wanted anything.
He replied - "Oh No! - thank you. I would rather commit
adultery than drink alcohol.
The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to
the air-hostess saying ...
"Madam, - I did not know there was a choice."
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 11:46:40 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <kondrotass@RFERL.ORG>
Subject:      Police

While browsing older archives, I found a Beth Woodel's message with the
following line:

Founder and charter member, Maryland Grammar Police (our slogan: "Misplace that
comma and you're booked.")

You may not know, however, that in Lithuania they indeed have Language Police.
That's a fact, not a joke. Language cops can fine a business' owner (or even
give him/her a small jail-time) for putting out signs and adds that contain
grammatically incorect sentences or foreign words. The range of potential
offences is quite wide. And they even can close businesses if they persist
braking language laws. A most recent example: a businessman was charged for
naming his product "ravioli" when there is an original word for Lithuanian
dumplings - "koldunai".

Regards. Saul
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 13:50:29 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <NVERBOVE@BANRUC60.BITNET>
Subject:      bumbstickers

Drive defensively, buy a tank.

I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it.

All the parts falling off this car are of the finest british manufacture.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

So you think I'm a bad driver, you should see me putt.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 14:19:43 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <NVERBOVE@BANRUC60.BITNET>
Subject:      sign

Sign in an old folk's club:
        If you think the going is easy,
        take another look. You may well be going downhill.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 07:53:34 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Nothing to Do #2

        Fun and Constructive Things to Do

        Call for the time.
        Look up some dirty words in the dictionary.
        Try to guess when ten minutes are up.
        Fool around with stuff in an amusing manner.
        List your favorite trees.
        Try to be good looking.
        Time your minute hand.
        Go through your waste paper basket.
        Throw up.
        Get down on all fours and look at the carpet real close.
        Write down your life story in 25 words or less.
        Go hide. . .
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 14:53:48 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <NVERBOVE@BANRUC60.BITNET>
Subject:      Musical Terms dictionary

dictionary of musical terms
---------------------------

JAZZ        :  Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES       :  Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC :  A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA       :  People singing when they should be talking.
RAP         :  People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL   :  Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK        :  Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND    :  20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL :  Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC :  OK as long as it's not the house next door.

==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 10:12:47 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Chinese restaurant name combinator

Some of you have seen the government buzzword combinators that consist of
taking any word in eachof three columns to create a new, cryptic-sounding
government buzzword (e.g. "state-of-the-art strategic initiative" or "inte-
grated systems command....well, you get the idea). I recently observed that
the same rule must be in effect when naming Chinese restaurants in America.
Take any word from Column A and any word from Column B, and voila! You got
a new name for a Chinese restaurant.

        Column A                        Column B
        Chinese                         Lotus
        Szechuan                        Dragon
        Hunan                           Panda
        Golden                          Wind
        Silver                          Moon
        Beijing                         Manor
        Canton                          Dynasty
        Mandarin                        Nightingale
        China                           Pearl
                                        Garden

Try it! It really works!

I have been told some of my "humor" is substandard. I am willing to take the
full hit on this one, 'cause I didn't get it from a magazine, TV show, record,
newspaper article or live performance. I wrote this one all by myself. Criticism
may be directed to the address below.

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 09:30:20 CDT
From:         Paul Franson <pfranson@VNET.IBM.COM>
Subject:      Prostitution (may upset Denny's employees)

On NPR's Morning Edition this morning (10 Aug), a commentator was speaking
about the arrest of the "Hollywood Madam" and said:

"No one sets out to be a prostitute.  Prostitution is like having dinner at
Denny's -- it's where you end up when your original plans fall through."


Paul Franson
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 10:57:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <ADP3S@MSU.EDU>
Subject:      Trivia Grab Bag

Here are highlights from Louis Boyd's Grab Bag, a humorous trivia column in
the Santa Cruz Comic News (for more info send private email to adp3s@msu.edu).

Said the cynical Samuel Butler:  "It is better to have loved and lost than
never to have lost at all."

Genetically, you only differ from your mother-in-law by 0.1 percent. So why
don't you get along?

All the South Pacific cannibals have been men.

Who specifically makes up the "middle class"? Much debated, that one. One
favored definition:  "Those not poor enough to take charity and not rich
enough to donate."
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 11:12:13 -0400
From:         Suzanne Bury <sbury@CCE.CORNELL.EDU>
Subject:      Twisted mind

Special to dieters:

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 09:14:52 -0600
From:         Chester Hodges <CHESTER@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      Polish Joke and Blonde Joke (may offend polish and blondes)

First the Polish Joke

There are three prisoners about to be executied.  They bring up the first
prisoner to be shot, and ask him if he has any last requests.  He says no so
the General says "Okay.  Ready.... Aim..." and suddenly the prisioner yells
Earthquakek! Everyone looks behind them and the prisoner runs off.  So they
bring up the second prisioner, and ask him if he has any last requests.  He
also says no, so the General says "Okay.  Ready... Aim..." and the prisioner
yells Tornado!  Everyone looks behind them and the prisoner runs off.  So they
bring up the third prisoner, being Polish, realizes what is happening, and when
the General says "Ready... Aim..." the prisioner yells Fire! and gets shot.

Now the Blonde Joke

Three blondes were driving to Anaheim to see the Magic Kingdom.  They saw a
sign that said "Disnyland left".  So they turned around and went home.

Hope you liked 'em!
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 17:39:55 +0100
From:         Dirk-Willem van Gulik <dirk.vangulik@CEN.JRC.IT>
Subject:      Dutch jokes; teasing another (Belgium) minority

Question:
Why does a belgian driver always bring a fork
when he is driving a ca r?

Answer:
To cut the corner...

Dirk-Willem
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 16:56:35 GMT
From:         Bob Lansley <bob.lansley@ANALOG.COM>
Subject:      A feathery tale....

DIST

Once upon a time on a cold winters night, a poor frozen sparrow could take no
more of the cold and exhausted dropped out of the sky into the freezing snow.

Soon after, the sparrow at death's door, a passing cow deposited all over him.
Feeling suddenly warm again the sparrow begins to sing, chirping merrily away
at his good fortune. The birdsong unfortunately attracted the attention of a
similarly cold and hungry cat, who scraped all the shit off the bird and
promptly eat it.

The morals of this tale are -

1) When someone shits on you he is not necessarily your enemy.
2) When someone gets you out of the shit he is not necessarily your friend.
3) When you are in the shit, keep your mouth shut.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 10:01:44 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      Star Trek Humor

McBorg - Over Half a billion assimulated.
Borger King - you will have it _our_ way.  Special orders are irrevelant.
I'm Homer of Borg.  You will be assim...Oooh Donuts
I'm Zsa Zsa gaBorg.  You will be assimhalated, dahling
We are we, we are we.  Resistance is futility.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 12:27:57 EDT
From:         Music Man <erobinson@BOE00.MINC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      woman who cut husbands p.... off

I'm sure that everyone has heard about the lady in Manassas, Va. who cut her
husbands penis off.  Well if you didn't, she did!

        A conversation between two lawyers following the trial

ATTY1: It looks like she's going to win this case.
ATTY2: Why do you say that?

ATTY1: Because HIS evidence won't stand up in court!
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 18:57:09 +0100
From:         Dirk-Willem van Gulik <dirk.vangulik@CEN.JRC.IT>
Subject:      Dutch jokes; teasing another (Belgium) minority

Sorry, for those asking questions, this was the joke:

  Question:
  Why does a belgian driver always bring a fork
  when he is driving a ca r?

  Answer:
  To cut the corner...

And indeed, it is a fork rather than a knive, cause you
should really bear in mind that the guy is a belgian....!

Dirk-Willem
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 10:05:18 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.4     A collection of clean humor gather seven years ago

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Taken from the Rochester paper:

ROCKFORD,  ILL.  --When  temperatures  plunged to minus  26,  the
Rockford  Register asked its readers to finsh the  sentence,  "It
was so cold that----". Here are some of the responses:

O    Our snowman beged us not to leave him out another night.

O    Even my soft water was hard

O    Even the world leaders couldn't get into a heated arguement

O    When I went out, my shadow froze to the sidewalk

O    You could freeze and egg on the sidewalk

O    I saw a fish jump in the river and the splash froze

O    I had to go up and break the smoke off the chimney

O    The altar boys had to jump-start the candles

O    My false teeth chattered-- and they weren't even in my mouth

O    I  looked  out the window and saw a  cottontail  pushing  a
     jackrabbit to get him started

O    When the police saw a robbery suspect they said 'freeze'--
     and he did

O    The snow is turning blue

O    I put the meat in the freezer to defrost

O    I saw a 32nd degree Mason, and he was down to 15.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

For the definitive observation abt Silicon Valley...

"..John Joss nominates these words from public relations whizard Marty Winston:
'The computer industry is journalists in their 20s standing in awe of entrepreneurs
in their 30s who are hiring salesmen in their 40s and 50s and paying them
in the 60s and 70s to bring their marketing into the 80s.' "

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thursday, 21 March 1985  19:44-EST
From: Joe Pistritto <jcp at BRL-TGR.ARPA>

        Well, there was this cement factory that a company [who shall
remain nameless], I used to work for built an 8080 based distributed
control system for (at the time this was state-of-the-art in process
control).
        The plant crushed boulders into sand before mixing with other
things to make cement.  The conveyors to the rock crusher (and the
crusher itself) were controlled by the 8080s.  A batch of defective MOSTEK
ram chips used in the processor had a habit of dropping bits (no parity
or ECC), causing at one point the 2nd of a series of 3 conveyors to
switch off.  This caused a large pile of boulders (about 6-8 feet in
diameter) to pile up on top of the conveyor (about 80 feet up), eventually
falling off and crushing several cars on the parking lot, and damaging
a building.  We noticed the problem when we couldn't explain the dull
thuds we were hearing in the control room and looked out the window...

        You had to be there...

                                                -JCP-

PS: I became a convert to error correcting memories (which were quite
expensive at the time, this was 1975), immediately.

PPS: Everyone I know in industrial process control has a dozen of these
type stories (all true) to tell.  Its just amazing what happens when you
let computers control BIG things.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 11:48:00 -0600
From:         Chester Hodges <CHESTER@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      Polish & Blonde Jokes (may offend Polish & Blondes)

First the Polish Joke

There were three prisioners who where about to be shot.  The first prioner was
about to be shot.  The General asked him if he had any last requests.  The
prisioner said no.  So the General told the troops "Ready.... Aim..." then the
prisioner suddenly yelled "EARTHQUAKE!"  Everyone turned around and the
prisioner escapped.  So they pulled up the second prisioner.  The General asked
him if he had last requests.  The prisioner said no.  So the General orderd the
troops "Ready.... Aim...." and the prisioner suddenly yelled "TORNADO!"
Everyone turned around and the prisioner escapped.  The thrid prisioner,
being polish, when the General said "Ready.... Aim...." yelled "FIRE!" and was
shot.

Now the blonde Joke

Three blonds were on there way to the Magic Kindgom.  They saw a sign that read
"Disneyland Left".  So they turnned around and went home.

Well I thought that it was funny!

----------------------------------------------------------------------- 25