
                          __________
                              /      /
                             /      /____   ____
                            /      /    /  /___/
                           /      /    /  /___

                ___________ ______________ ______________ ______________
               /\__________\\_____________\\_____________\\_____________\
              / /          //             //             //             /
             / /    ______//   _____     //    _____    //____     ____/
            / /    /___ / /   /__/ /    //    /__/ /   /   / /    /
           / /    /____\ /   /___\/    //    /___\/   /   / /    /
          / /          //             //            _/   / /    /
         / /    ______//    ____     //    _____    \   / /    /
        / /    /    / /    / / /    //    /  / /    /  / /    /
       / /    /    / /    / / /    //    /  / /    /  / /    /
       \/____/     \/____/  \/____//____/   \/____/   \/____/
               _____________ ____________ ______________ _____   _____
              /\____________\\____________\\____________\\____\ / \___\
             / /            //            //            //    //  /   /
            / /   _____    //   _____    //   _____    //    //  /   /
           / /   /___\/   //   / /  /   //   / /  /   //    /_\_/   /
          / /           _//   / /  /   //   / /  /   //          __/
         / /   _____   \ /   / /  /   //   / /  /   //    __    |
        / /   /__/ /   //   /_/  /   //   /_/  /   //    /  \    \
       / /   /___\/   //   /___\/   //   /___\/   //    //  /    /
      / /            //            //            //    //  /    /
      \/____________//____________//____________//____/ \ /____/



                              -  Version 3.00  -








                           T H E   F A R T   B O O K
                           =========================


         All farts in this book will be arranged alphabetically.  If you
    know your alphabet you should have no trouble understanding this
    arrangement or figuring things out.  My father and I had a big argument
    about whether or not a fart could cast a shadow.  I said a big enough
    one probably could.  He said no way.  As far as I am concerned this
    argument is not settled.  But I will try and stay away from such
    arguments as I go along.  A fart will burn though.


    ALL FARTS ARE DIVIDED INTO TWO GROUPS:

         (1) Your Farts.

         (2) Someone else's Farts.


    The Alarm Fart

         This is a good fart for the beginner.  It is easy to identify.  It
    starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends
    with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to.  It
    sounds like something is wrong.  If it happens to you you will know
    right off why it is called the Alarm Fart.  You will be alarmed.  The
    Alarm Fart however is rare.

    The Anticipated Fart

         Neither sound nor odor are diagnostic in identifying this fart.
    It is usually identified as a group one, or your own fart, although it
    is not impossible to identify when it is a group two or somebody else's
    fart.  This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time
    before it arrives.  A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and
    who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted
    an Anticipated Fart.  Identification is no problem when you are the
    farter.

    The Amplified Fart

         This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified
    than from the fart itself.  A metal porch swing will amplify a fart
    every time.  So will a plywood table, an empty fifty gallon drum, a tin
    roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong enough to sit
    on.  Any fart made a great deal louder than it really is through being
    amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart.  These are
    common farts under the right conditions.


    The Back Seat Fart

         This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles.  If you are in the
    front seat it is a group two, or somebody else's fart.  If you are
    alone in the back seat it is a group one fart.  In either case, of
    course, it is the same fart.  It is identified chiefly by odor, the
    same way some birds are identified mostly by their song, such as your
    little warblers that stay high up in the trees, or very shy birds of
    the deep swamp or woods.  I thought I should explain this.  Some farts
    you hear.  Some farts you smell.  And some can be identified both ways.
    The back seat fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is
    an eased-out fart and not very loud.  But its odor, foul, will give it
    away, due to the way air moves around in a car.  And then someone in
    the front seat will say, who farted in the back seat?  Which is silly
    if there is only one person in the back seat, of course.  This is a
    fairly rare fart due to the restriction of its range or habitat.


    The Barred Owl Fart

         A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart.
    The barred owl or swamp owl is common in this part of Alabama.  Almost
    any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of
    these birds talking to himself.  Or maybe two of them calling back and
    forth.  Which is not the point.  The point is that this call is kind of
    like a crazy laugh.  Particularly the way it ends.  An old bird guide
    we have says it is maniacal.  If you hear a fart that has about eight
    notes in it, ending in a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal,
    hou have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.  When you add this one to your
    life list of identified farts you are really getting some place as a
    fart expert.


    The Bathtub Fart

         People who would never in their life know one fart from another,
    who would like to act like farts don't exist, will have to admit that a
    Bathtub Fart is something special.
         It is the only fart you can see!
         What you see is the bubble or bubbles.
         The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair
    or foul as to odor.  It makes no difference.  The farter's location is
    what does it.
         Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble.  Or
    there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles.
         The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the
    water and even more on the tub.  If it is one of these big old heavy
    tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects.  While one
    of the thin new ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing.
         But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the
    sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but
    glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart,
    the most positively identifiable fart known to man.
         It is a common fart and strictly group one unless you are a kid
    still young enough to take baths with your friends.


    The Biggest Fart In The World Fart

         Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just
    by its name.  This can be either be a group one or a group two fart and
    can occur just about anywhere.  I heard it one time, a group two
    identification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in
    that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped
    singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down.  It came from the back.
    There was not a soul in that room that misses it.  A fart like that can
    be impressive.
         The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart in the
    World is its size.  Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like
    popcorn machines and making faces before they fart or asking you to
    pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this
    one, which is rare even among your most serious farters.


    The Bullet Fart

         Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its
    sound.  It sounds like a rifle shot.  The farter can be said to have
    snapped it off.  It can startle spectators and farter alike.  Fairly
    common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as
    beans.


    The Burning Brakes Fart

         A silent fart identified by odor alone.  Usually an adult fart,
    occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat
    passenger who farts.  The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a
    little like burning brakes and seems to hang around longer than most
    farts.  Which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of
    checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on.  When he finds
    it hasn't you know who farted.  A common automobile fart.


    The Car Door Fart

         Either a group one or a group two fart.  Very tricky.  It is meant
    to be a concealed fart.  A matter of close timing is involved, the
    farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut.
    It is usually a good loud fart.  It is one of the funnier farts when it
    doesn't work, which is almost every time.  It is a desperation fart and
    not too common.


    The Celestial Fart

         Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is
    simply any loud fart in church.  The Celestial Fart is soft and
    delicate, suprising in a boy or adult.  It is probably the most shy of
    all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird.
    It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart.  It is
    just a very small clear fart with no odor at all.  Very rare.


    The Chinese Firecracker Fart

         This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the
    number and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs.  Often when
    you think it is all over it still has a few pops and bangs to go.  In
    friendly company this one can get applause.  Uncommon.


    The Command Fart

         This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held
    for long periods of time waiting for the right moment.  Unlike the
    Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed.  A friend of mine,
    Harold Tabor, recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in Mrs.
    Schlotsheimer's history class and let it go right at the end, when she
    asked if there were any questions.  Most well-timed public or private
    farts that work like this can safely be identified as Command Farts.
    Not too common.


    The Common Fart

         This fart needs little description.  It is to the world of farts
    what the house sparrow is to the world of birds.  It has no
    particularly distinguishing characteristics except its commonness.  As
    the house sparrow is the bird you see when there are no other birds
    around, the Common Fart is the one fart you are to sure to run across
    at least once each day, group one or group two identification, sometime
    between sunup and sundown.  I can see no point in describing this fart
    any further.


    The Crowd Fart

         The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong
    enough to make quite a few people look around.  The trick here is not
    to identify the fart but the farter.  This is almost impossible unless
    the farter panics and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the
    ceiling or the sky as though something fascinates him.  In which case
    he is the one.  Very common.


    The Cushioned Fart

         A concealed fart, sometimes successful.  The farter is usually on
    the fat side, sometimes a girl.  They will squirm and push their butt
    way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out
    a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after.  Some
    odor may escape, but usually not much.  Identification is difficult,
    and in doubtful cases should be listed as tentative.  Common with some
    people.


    The Did An Angel Speak Fart

         This is any loud fart in church.  This fart was first called to my
    attention by my father.  He probably read about it somewhere.  For fart
    watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is
    the only place it can be found.


    The Dog Did It Fart

         It is necessary for a dog to be around for this fart to occur.
    People who fart and blame it on the dog when there is no dog within
    miles are making a travesty of the whole fart identification business,
    which is difficult enough as it is.  This is always a silent fart but
    one with an odor you could blame on a dog that was dead.  The farter
    tries to blame it on the dog.  He will even go so far as to run the dog
    out of the house.  Do not be fooled.  When a dog farts it will usually
    grunt too.  It may even get up and walk away.  This is what you should
    do when you have identified a Dog Did It Fart.  They are vile.


    The Drum Roll Fart

         Some people might want to put this fart under the general heading
    of Musical Farts (see under M) but I for one have never considered the
    drum very much of a musical instrument.  It is a multiple noted fart of
    the same tone or pitch farted very fast.  It sounds more like a real
    drum roll when now and then the farter happens to throw in a rim shot
    at the end, but you can not expect this every time.  It should in no
    way be confused with the Chinese Firecracker Fart, which is by far the
    more colorful of the two, although the Drum Roll Fart is much more
    rare.


    The Dud Fart

         As a matter of fact the Dud Fart, as the name might make you think
    is not really a fart at all.  It is a fart that fails.  For this reason
    it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no
    real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart
    but didn't.  It is the most private of all farts.  Only the farter
    knows what happened.  What happened was he didn't fart.  At all.  This
    can be seen as a good thing or a bad thing, depending on the
    circumstances.  Still, it is my opinion that in most cases the farter
    usually feels a little disappointed.  As when you answer the phone and
    it is a wrong number.  This fart is about as common as wrong number
    calls and as easy to identify.


    The Echo Fart

         This is a fart that can be wrongly identified if you jump to
    conclusions because of its name.  It is not some great loud fart in an
    empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon or something like that
    where there might actually be an echo.  The true Echo Fart is a fart
    that makes its own echo.  It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud,
    then a pause, and then the second tone, faint.  Like an echo.  This is
    the only real Echo Fart, and it is as rare as lots of other farts many
    times fancier.  Just remember that the real thing is one hundred
    percent fart, and you will not be fooled.


    The English Fart

         A very classy fart.  The sound alone distinguishes it from all
    other farts.  There are some who will say that this is a put-on accent,
    but that is silly.  When it comes to farting no one goes around
    sounding like an Englishman.  It happens or it doesn't.  The sound it
    makes is, thip.  Sometimes it will go thip, thip.  It is unmistakable.
    It is probably as proper and upper class as a fart can get.


    The Exclamation Fart

         This is a punctuation fart.  Timing is the whole thing.  The
    farter, or someone, must be speaking.  For instance, the speaker will
    say, "Ah, shut up!" and then someone will fart a loud sharp fart.  This
    is a true Exclamation Fart.  If the speaker is also the farter he may
    delay his fart until the right moment and then force it for all he is
    worth.  If is works it is still a true Exclamation Fart, although more
    often than not it is an accident and for this reason rare.


    The Executive Fart

         A very loud clear fart by a very important person is an Executive
    Fart.  It is either sharp or flat, somewhat off key, but otherwise a
    very businesslike fart.  No nonsense about it.  But no one is supposed
    to notice.  Particularly the farter.  If you do not laugh at the
    Executive Fart this is either because you are scared of the person who
    farted or because the fart is so gross.  Common with very important
    people.


    The Fire Fart

         There is probably no other fart about which there is more
    confusion or which has as many other common names.  It has been called
    the Scorcher Fart, the Burning Britches Fart, the Solar Fart, the
    Natural Gas Fart or Front Burner Fart and many other names.  But its
    correct name is simply the Fire Fart.  It is called this because of the
    sensation it gives the farter when he farts.  It burns.
         For this reason it is mostly a group one identification fart.
    People can make all kinds of faces when they fart.  A look of pain when
    a person farts does not necessarily mean they have farted a Fire Fart.
    Some people look pained when they fart any kind of fart at all.
         But as a group one fart there is never any question about it at
    all.  You will wonder sometimes if it smokes.  The only way this can be
    a group two identification is if it is confirmed.  You have to say to
    the one who farted, "Did that fart burn?"  If they say yes, you have
    identified and confirmed a group two identification Fire Fart.  This
    will not happen very often.
         But this can also lead into the question of whether farts actually
    burn or not.  If you say to someone who has farted, "Did that fart
    burn?" they are apt to try and turn the subject away from themselves
    and start an argument.  "Farts don't burn, you dummy," they will say.
    Then if you say that a matter of fact a fart will too burn, they will
    argue back that while a fart is gas it is not the kind of gas that
    burns, or that there is not enough gas in a fart to burn, or that you
    are weird.  I have seen people who know nothing about the subject get
    quite hot about it.
         Anyone who does not believe that a fart will burn, should check it
    out with Joe Brantly, who is now known throughout all of Baldwin County
    Alabama as Blue Flame Brantly.  Try and tell him that a fart won't
    burn.
         He has stopped trying to deny it.  There were witnesses.  About
    ten of them.
         The way it happened was this.  Blue Flame Brantly is a big
    football player with a very hairy ass.  A nice guy they say.  Easy
    going.  So one day after football practice the team was back in the
    locker room and Blue Flame Brantly had just got out of the shower (only
    he was known as just Joe Brantly then) and was drying himself off and
    some wise guy wondered if the hairs around his ass would burn, wet as
    they were.  Joe had one foot up on the bench and was bent over looking
    at a bad case of athlete's foot he had and this wise guy sneaked up
    behind him with a cigarette lighter.  They say that Joe should have
    noticed how quiet it got right then in the locker room, but he didn't.
         He was bent way over looking at his athlete's foot.  Worried about
    it probably.  Anyhow, with all those people watching, just as the kid
    clicked his lighter and it lit, Joe Brantly farted a big one.  And it
    burned.  Ten people or more saw a long blue flame shoot back at least
    three inches from his ass.
         I was not there myself.  But I have talked to some that were, and
    they swear it happened.  Not only did the fart burn with a long blue
    flame, but it caught the hair around his ass on fire and he had to beat
    it with a towel to put it out.
         There may still be some people who believe that a fart will not
    burn, despite this true account.  I could tell them to go ahead and
    test it for themselves, but due to the danger it is probably best to
    stick to identifying the Fire Fart as a group one fart only and let it
    go at that.


    The Fizzle Fart

         A very wet fart.  The sound is f-z-z-z-z or f-s-s-s-s.  It is
    almost a fart that fails, but not quite.  There is an old saying, kind
    of a rhyme, which I have never heard all the way through, but it is
    about an old lady who "...farts and fizzles and rots her pants..."  The
    fizzle mentioned here is the Fizzle Fart we are talking about.  It is
    not always an old ladies fart, but it is always on the damp side and
    sounds like it.  This is a common fart with senior citizens and people
    who eat fast foods.


    The French Fart

         Said to be the most beautiful of farts.  Usually in a minor key.
    Soft and musical with many half-tones.  Any long drawn out fart that
    seems beautiful to you is most likely a French Fart.  Very rare.


    The G and L Fart

         This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to
    everyone.  It has all kinds of names, some of which are pretty gross,
    but the G and L Fart is its most popular name and I believe the correct
    one.  Certainly it is the least gross.  If you have not already guessed
    it, G and L stands for gambled and lost.  One of the most embarrassing
    of all farts, even when you are alone.


    The German Fart

         If you hear a fart that makes you think of a dog it is probably
    the German Fart.  It has either a deep growling or a low barking noise,
    or both.  It comes from deep inside and never seems to get all the way
    out.  Still it can be loud and frightening to small children.  The odor
    varies, but not much, as it is one of the rank ones every time.


    The Ghost Fart

         I consider the Ghost Fart a doubtful fart in most cases, as it is
    supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in
    an empty house.  You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there.
    People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but I am of
    the opinion that it is just something that happens to smell like a
    fart.  Maybe a dead rat.  I have argued this with my friends and
    include the Ghost Fart here only at their insistence.  However all
    identifications of the Ghost Fart should be listed as tentative or
    doubtful.


    The Girls Don't Fart Fart

         Any fart by a girl.  A girl can fart a fart that will shake the
    walls or blow little birds right out of their nests, but the girl will
    never give a sign.  You are supposed to ignore it.  It may be hard to
    do, but you better do it.  With girls this is the most common fart
    there is.


    The Going Up Stairs Fart

         A one in a million fart and one of my favorites.  This fart breaks
    on each step as the farter goes up a short flight of steps.  Not a step
    is missed when it is a true Going Up Stairs Fart.  It is probably
    caused by being a held back fart and the action of going up some stairs
    cuts it loose.  If the fart goes up a note with each step you have the
    Musical Going Up Stairs Fart.  There is no fart more rare than this
    one.


    The Hair-Trigger Fart

         Another fart that hardly needs to be described.  There is no one
    that lives and farts that does not know from experience what this fart
    is like.  There is no sign it is on its way.  Suddenly it is there.
    Just barely held back.  Like a sneeze about to be sneezed.  You know
    that nay movement at all, even a thought, could set it off.  And sure
    enough that is what will happen.  A group one identification only.
    Very common.


    The Hard-Boiled Egg Fart

         Odor alone identifies this fart.  It stinks of sulfur.  Due to the
    sulfur content of hard-boiled eggs.  While it is true that powdered
    sulfur will keep redbugs away when you are out in the woods it is not
    true that a few Hard-Boiled Egg Farts in the evening will keep a whole
    camp site free of redbugs for the rest of the night.  What it may do is
    keep the campsite free of other campers for the rest of the night.


    The Harvard Fart

         The Harvard Fart is different from the English Fart in two ways.
    First, the sound is different.  More of a thap than a thip.  The other
    difference is the way the farter acts about it.  With the English Fart,
    the farter acts as though nothing has happened.  But a person who farts
    a Harvard Fart will give a sign.  He will smile.  Or nod.  As if he has
    just recieved a sign from God.


    The Hic-Hachoo-Fart

         In my experience this is strictly an old lady's fart.  What
    happens is unusual, but I have seen it once with an old lady playing
    cards with some friends and again with an entirely different old lady
    who had been bending over petting a cat and who did it as she stood up
    again.  What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze and
    fart all at the same time.  The old lady that I saw do this playing
    cards, did it all--the whole thing; hic-hachoo-fart--before she could
    put down the card she was holding.  That quick.  After an old lady
    farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart the will usually pat her chest and say,
    "My, my," or "Well, well."  There is no reason she should not be proud,
    as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.


    The Incense Fart

         A potent fart.  Do not be fooled by its name.  It is only called
    the Incence Fart to be sarcastic.  What happens is that someone farts
    in a crowd.  A vile one.  Since it cannot be ignored someone will say,
    "Ah, how lovely; Sandalwood?  Jasmine?  Gardenia?"  Or whatever your
    favorite incense may be.


    The Interrogatory Fart

         This is a fart that seems to ask a question.  Ends on an up note.
    Seems to say, "Oh?" or, "Well?"  It can be a very silly fart when you
    are alone.  As though you are having a conversation with your own ass.
    Fairly common.


    The Inspirational Fart

         The sound of this fart may be best described as like organ music.
    However, in my opinion only someone really into farts would actually
    find this fart inspiring.  Still, a sound like organ music is quite a
    fart, and if it actually gives you goose-flesh at the time it is
    probably safe to put it down as the Inspirational Fart.  Rare.


    The Jerk Fart

         The Jerk fart is a fart by a jerk, who smirks, smiles, grins, and
    points to himself in case you missed it.  It is usually a single-noted,
    off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the
    jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in The World
    Fart.  This should always be a group two identification.


    The John Fart

         I am talking here about the toilet john, not John as in John Brown
    or John Smith or someone you know named John.  Start naming farts after
    your friends and the whole fart identification business will get
    altogether out of hand.  The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart
    farted on the john.  It is naturally a group one identification, with
    the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled.  If that is all the
    person's trip to the john amounted to he will be dissappointed for
    sure.  Common as pigeons.


    The Jubilation Fart

         Generally the Jubilation Fart can not be told safely from an
    Inspirational Fart except by an expert.  Both farts are hard to
    believe.  Like the hippopotamus and the rhinoceros.  If you suddenly
    saw a hippopotamus or a rhinoceros for as short a time you would
    probably have the same trouble.  The rhinoceros is the one with the
    horn at the end of its nose.


    The Junk Fart

         This is a fart that we could just as well do without.  It comes
    from eating junk and it sounds like it.  A pish-wish sound.  Like a
    swinging door.  As farts go there is really nothing to it.  It comes
    chiefly from eating at a fast food restaurant.  It can happen while you
    are still there.  Still eating.  It's that quick.  In and out, no
    waiting.  The same as the service they advertise.  This fart is way too
    common.


    The Kamikaze Fart

         Sometimes called the Suicide Fart or the Killer Fart.  Kamikaze is
    the correct name.  (Kamikaze means divine wind.  For a fact.)  It wipes
    out everybody.  The farter in every case will have a crazy look about
    him.  This is one of the ways this fart can be identified.  The farter
    will be wiped out too.  Any person who farts a Kamikaze Fart and brags
    about it is a fart fanatic and probably dangerous in other ways.


    The Kinky Fart

         A person who farts while kissing another person has farted a Kinky
    Fart.  This is a rotten thing to do.


    The Kipling Fart

         The origin of this fart is interesting, if true.  It was supposed
    to have happened at the University of South Alabama.  What happened was
    that a strange professor was talking to another professor one day who
    happened to be a great one for making jokes and the strange professor
    said, "Do you like Kipling?"  And the joker said, "i don't know.  How
    do you kiple?"  And the strange professor said, "Like this."  And then
    he farted.  This fart has a kiple sound.


    The Lead Fart

         The heaviest of all farts.  It sounds like a dropped ripe
    watermelon.  Or a falling body in some cases.  It is the only fart that
    goes thud.  Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be
    missed altogether as a fart.  What was that? you might think.  And
    never guess.  Watch for this one.  Rare.


    The Lisp Fart

         This is a fart that is funny in any situation.  Even alone.  It is
    simply a fart that lisps.  You will know it when you hear it.  It can
    be particularly funny, a group two identification, when the farter
    happens to be someone who also lisps when they talk.


    The Loose Board Fart

         The Loose Board Fart has to sound squeaky, like a loose board you
    just stepped on.  Some people call just any fart a Loose Board Fart.
    Just to have something to say.  These are the same sort of people who
    say the dog did it when there is no dog in sight.  Listen for the
    squeaky, creaky sound.


    The Malted Milk Ball Fart

         Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart.  It
    smells exactly like malted milk balls.  No other food works in this
    way.  It is rare in its way as in the wood ibis among North American
    birds, which is the only American stork.  Common where found.


    The Mud Sucker Fart

         The most gross sounding of all farts.  It sounds like someone with
    his foot stuck in the mud slowly pulling it out.  Identification is
    positive by sound alone.  No other fart makes a wet sucking noise.
    Fairly common with tootsie roll eaters.


    The Musical Fart

         This is a special category.  All Musical Farts do not necessarily
    sound musical.  This may seem odd, but that is the way it works.  Who
    would think, for instance, that Spanish moss is related to the
    pineapple?  But it is.  All Musical Farts are rare, and identification
    is often a matter of opinion.


    The Classical Fart

         Loud and soft, loud and soft.  Goes on when you think it has
    ended.


    The Hard Rock Fart

         A highly amplified musical fart.  Can make a dog howl with pain.
    the farter doesn't care if you like it or not.  You may not think it is
    musical but he does.


    The Star Spangled Banner Fart

         This is one of the few farts that can bring tears to people's eyes
    and lumps to their throats and otherwise get them all stirred up.


    The Wa-Wa Fart

         This is not a baby fart.  The wa-wa is an electric gadget worked
    by a guitar player's foot that makes a weird wa-wa sounds.  Not all
    people would call this fart musical.

    The Natural Gas Fart

         Another name for the Fire Fart.  (See under F.)


    The Octave Fart

         Some people would put the Octave Fart under musical farts.  This
    would be a mistake but some will do it anyhow.  All small birds that
    look like warblers are not warblers.  Some are vireos.  The Octave Fart
    goes under O.  The sound of it is one note going up or down a full
    octave, quick or slow, loud or soft, major or minor.  This may be a
    hard one to identify for a person who does not know what an ocatave is.
    Rare.


    The Oh My God Fart

         The story of how this most rotten stinking fart got its name is
    interesting.  It is a true story.  One rainy day about a year ago I
    took a hard-boiled egg to school in my lunch.  For some reason I put
    the egg in my raincoat pocket and forgot about it.
         I do not care much for hard-boiled eggs.
         After about a month the class room began to have a peculiar smell
    about it.  It got more and more peculiar until Mrs. Schlotsheimer
    figured out it was something about my raincoat.  She brought the coat
    out in front of the class and asked, Whose is it?
         Mine, I said.
         I might have known, Mrs. Schlotsheimer said
         Then she made the mistake of sticking her hand into the raincoat
    pocket.  I cannot imagine why she should have wanted to do this, but
    she did.  And I guess her hand broke the egg, because you would not
    believe the terrible smell, like a poisonous gas, a heavy cloud, that
    filled the class room then.  Several kids around the room started
    looking sick.
         Oh, shit, Mrs. Schlotsheimer said.
         And then she pulled her hand back out of the coat pocket and said,
    oh my God.
         She said that several times over.
         Since I have tried to keep this work as clean as possible
    considering the subject matter, I have identified this most awful and
    dreadful stinking of all farts--a fart that smells like a month-old
    rotten egg--as the Oh My God Fart.  If you should ever encounter it,
    however, you may first want to say, oh shit, along with poor Mrs.
    Schlotsheimer.  Which would be understandable.


    The Omen Fart

         This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart.  (See under P.)
    About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything.  He
    will just look kind of funny and head for the john.  This one is easy
    to spot if you pay attention.


    The Organic Fart

         Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart.  Unless you are into
    health foods this will have to be a group two identification.  The
    person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food
    he eats even when he farts.  This makes identification easy.  If he is
    heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and
    pure and healthy his fart smells.  It may smell to you like any other
    fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him.  He is doing what he
    thinks is best.


    The Ping-Pong Ball Fart

         An unusual hollow sounding multiple noted fart.  Sound alone is
    diagnostic.  It sounds like a ping-pong ball which has been dropped on
    a table from several feet up and then bounced until it fell off.  There
    can be quite a wait between bounces.  This is probably the most rare of
    all multiple noted farts.


    The Poo-Poo Fart

         This is a fart by a very small kid.  The kid farts and says, "Go
    poo-poo now."  And somebody takes him and he does.


    The President Fart

         This rare fart was described in the introduction to this work.
    What is rare about this fart is that we are talking about presidents of
    the United States.  There is only one of them at a time and they stay
    pretty much to themselves.  But it is fair to suppose that they fart
    about as much as anybody else.  Get one of these on your list, though,
    and you have really got one.


    The Quack-Quack Fart

         This is a silly name for a fart.  A lot of people will call it the
    Duck Fart.  But it is important to remember that this is a double noted
    fart.  And while quack-quack is the sound a duck makes and the sound of
    the Quack-Quack Fart, there is nothing to stop a duck from going quack
    just once, not twice.  So that is why it is called the Quack-Quack
    Fart.  Just to be exact.  Fairly rare.


    The Quawonk Fart

         Somewhat similar to the Quack-Quack Fart.  Mostly because of the Q
    sound.  Very few farts have a Q sound.  But the Quawonk Fart is single
    noted and far more soft and pleasant sounding than the Quack-Quack
    Fart.  If you will say quawonk softly to yourself, that is the sound.


    The Quiver Fart

         A group one identification fart only.  When you fart it quivers.
    If it tickles then it is a Tickle Fart.  If you have to scratch then it
    is the Scratchass Fart.


    The Rambling Phaduka Fart

         You must not be fooled by its pretty sounding name, as this is one
    of the most frightening of all farts.  It is frightening to farter and
    spectator alike.  It has a sound of pain to it.  What is most
    diagnostic about it however is its length.  It is the longest lasting
    fart there is.  It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak.  As
    though he has had the wind knocked out of him.  Spectators have been
    known to bite their knuckles bloody or even to faint while this fart is
    going on.  A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least
    fifteen seconds.  If you are going to claim this one for your list you
    had better have witnesses, or there is a good chance people will say
    you have lied about it.  Exceedingly rare.


    The Relief Fart

         The name should give you a pretty good idea about this particular
    fart.  There are some farts that are a nuisance and some that are funny
    and some that are very peculiar, but the most popular fart of all is
    probably the Relief Fart.  Sound or odor doesn't matter.  What matters
    is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted.  This
    is usually a group one identification, but if the farter is the sort of
    person who is not afraid to show his feelings this can be a positive
    group two identification as well.  Some people will even say, "Wow,
    what a relief."  Very common.


    The Reluctant Fart

         This is a fart that has really been around for awhile.  It is
    probably one of the oldest farts known to man.  (See Montaigne, quoted
    elsewhere in this work.)  The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to
    have a mind of its own.  It gives the impression that it likes staying
    where it is.  It will come when it is ready, not before.  This can take
    half a day in some instances.  My mother says it was that way with me
    about getting born.  I was in no big hurry.  Neither is the Reluctant
    Fart.  When it is finally farted it is past due.  According to my
    mother I was way past due by about a month.  This may be one of the
    reasons my father sometimes refers to me as, "You little fart."
    Although he probably has better reasons than that.


    The Rusty Gate Fart

         The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart.  It is
    the most dry and squealy sound a fart can make.  It sounds like the
    sound a blue jay makes when it is not crying kat kat.  The Rusty Gate
    Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been
    oiled.  This fart is unknown to me as a group one identification, but
    it sounds like a fart that hurts.


    The Rover Fart

         Commonly called the Dog Fart.  However a Dog Fart is actually a
    fart by a dog.  It is beyond the scope of this work to go into all the
    animal farts.  (I have been told that a mule fart can blow down a barn
    door and that pigs all fart like they are popping bubble gum, but none
    of this may be true.)  Sound is diagnostic in identifying the Rover
    Fart.  Any barking sound will do.  Arf arf or ruff ruff or woff woff.
    Even bow-wow, although a fart that goes bow-wow would be a pretty far
    out fart.


    The Sandpaper Fart

         This one scratches.  Otherwise it may not amount to much.  As a
    group one identification it is hard to miss.  You may wonder if there
    is more to it than just some gas.  Otherwise, what is it that
    scratches?  There is still much that is not known about farts.
         You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it
    automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart.  So if you need this one for
    your list, don't scratch.  Common.


    The S.B.D. Fart

         S.B.D. stands for silent but deadly.  This is no doubt one of the
    most common farts that exists.  No problem of identification with this
    one.  Either group.


    The Scratchass Fart

         Suprisingly this is the only really dirty name for a fart in this
    whole work.  But it is the right name all right.  The action of the
    farter is diagnostic.  He has farted and it itches.  He just has to
    scratch.  As a group two identification you have to make certain first
    that the person scratching his ass has really farted.  Some people have
    a habit of scratching their ass about every five minutes.  Common.


    The S'cuse Me Fart

         This rare fart excuses itself as it is farted.  It is about as
    close to words as a fart can get.  The sound it makes is like a little
    soft whisper that says, "S'cuse me."  The most polite of all farts and
    very silly when you are alone.


    The Sinner's Fart

         This is just a different name for the S.B.D. Fart and should not
    be listed seperately, in my opinion.  Still some people like the idea
    that bad people fart worse farts than good people.  So if you like to
    think something like this is true I suppose it is up to you.  Common
    with people who think like this.


    The Skillsaw Fart

         A truly awesome fart.  It vibrates the farter.  Really shakes him
    up.  People back away.  It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping
    through a piece of half-inch plywood.  Very impressive.  Not too
    common.


    The Smirk Fart

         Another name for the Jerk Fart.  Most jerks smirk when they fart.


    The Sonic Boom Fart

         The people who believe in this fart claim that it is even bigger
    than the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.  The Sonic Boom Fart is
    supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows.  That is
    ridiculous.  No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows.  A
    fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his
    crazy head off.
         The Sonic Boom Fart does not exist.


    The Splatter Fart

         Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists.  It is the wettest of all
    farts.  It probably should not be called a fart at all.  A group one
    identification only.  And you better hope not.


    The String Of Pearls Fart

         A most unusual and perfect toned fart.  Round clear evenly spaced
    notes.  This one is really a beauty.  Very rich ladies would like to
    fart this one every time if they could.  Very rare.


    The Stutter Fart

         If you think stuttering is funny this is a very funny fart.  It is
    a fart that can't seem to get going.  The sound is best descibed as pt,
    pt, pt-pt, pt-pt-pt, pop, pop-pop-pop-POW.  It is usually a forced out
    fart that gets caught crossways as they say and only gets farted after
    considerable effort.
         The Stutter Fart is not usually a funny fart to the farter.  Rare.


    The Taco Bell Fart

         The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your
    ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up.  Sometimes hours or
    even a day.  But it will get there.  And it will hang around after,
    too, even on a windy day.


    The Talking Fart

         This unusual fart sounds like it is imitating human speech.  About
    the way a parrot does.  Only the Talking Fart does not really say a
    thing.  People will look at you and say, "What?"  All you can do is
    shrug or look dumb.



    The Teflon Fart

         Slips out without a sound and no strain at all.  A very good fart
    in situations where you would rather not fart at all.  You can be
    talking to someone and not miss saying a word.  If the wind is right he
    will never know.  Unfortunately this is a rare fart unless the farter
    has been eating gumbo.  Gumbo is a southern dish with a lot of okra in
    it.  Cooked okra is so much slime.


    The Thank God I'm Alone Fart

         Everyone knows this rotten fart.  You look around after you have
    farted and say Thank God I'm alone.  Then you get out of there.  If it
    has to happen though, that is the best way for it to happen.  Like
    finding your fly unzipped.  You should be alone.


    The Thunder Mug Fart

         An unusual fart because the only true Thunder Mug Fart has to be
    farted into one of those old heavy china thunder mugs, which is where
    the name came from.  A porto-pottie or your regular john does not give
    the same effect at all.  A Thunder Mug Fart really thunders.  Uncommon
    due to the fact that old fashioned thunder mugs are uncommon.


    The Tickle Fart

         A group one only and one of the easiest to identify.  It tickles.
    Usually a slow soft sort of fart.  If you like being tickled this is
    the fart for you.  Personally, it is no favorite of mine.  I do not
    like being tickled, and if I did that is not where I would want to be
    tickled at.


    The Underwear Ripper Fart

         Sound alone is diagnostic with this fart.  It will usually happen
    when the person is sitting down.  It is one of the longer farts.  It
    will sound so much like a piece of cloth being ripped that it can fool
    a person sitting in the next room.  Naturally it will not fool the
    farter.  He will know he has not ripped his underwear.  But right then
    he may not be too sure about anything else.


    The Unmentionable Fart

         A tricky one to identify, even though it is probably more common
    than anyone wnats to admit.  It all depends on the situation or who
    farted.  I will give some examples.  You are alone with you girl friend
    and she farts.  Or you do.  It may be loud or rank or both, but either
    way it is unmentionable.  Or you are in the principal's office and
    there is just the principal and his secretary and you, and you didn't
    fart but somebody did.  Much as you might like to say it wasn't you
    that did it, you know better.  Either the principal or the secretary
    probably feels the same way.  But the other one is very glad that the
    Unmentionable Fart cannon be mentioned.  Or they would lose some
    Brownie points for sure.


    The Up-Tight Fart

         This is a kind of drawn-out Stutter Fart except that this one
    squeaks.  Like a scared mouse.  It takes an already naturally up-tight
    person to fart this fart.  When he knows he has got to fart, like it or
    not, he gets even more up-tight.  He may snap his spincters shut like a
    steel trap, but out comes the fart.  Squeak, squeak, squeak.  It is
    embarrassing for everybody.  Fairly rare, as people this up-tight
    generally stay to themselves most of the time anyhow.


    The Ventriloquist Fart

         This is something that just happens.  Like an albino squirrel.  It
    is doubtful if anyone can learn to throw his farts.  But sometimes if
    all the conditions are right it will happen.  And the person sitting
    next to the farter will look suprised and embarrassed and the farter
    will look suprised and pleased.  This will have been a Ventriloquist
    Fart.  This is an extremely hard one to identify unless you are the
    farter.


    The Vending Machine Fart

         Very similar to the Car Door Fart, only here the farter tries to
    conceal his fart by making a lot of racket getting some gum or candy
    from a vending machine.  He will even pound and kick the machine for
    some time after it has given him his gum or candy bar, waiting for the
    fart to happen.  This usually doesn't work much better than the Car
    Door Fart, yet people, kids especially, will keep trying it.  More
    damage is done to vending machines this way than anyone realizes.


    The Volkswagen Fart

         Any good strong fart in a Volkswagen in the winter or anyhow with
    the window closed is the deadly Volkswagen Fart.  It can strangle
    people.  While I am generally in favor of people farting whenever they
    have to fart, they really should try not to fart in a closed
    Volkswagen.  It would be nice if this were one of the rare farts but it
    isn't.


    The Whisper Fart

         This is an eased out fart that really works.  Not everyone can
    manage it.  It is one of the most sly and cunning farts there is.  You
    will know the sort of person who is most apt to fart the Whisper Fart.
    He will be sneaky about everything.  This can be a hard one to get on
    your list.


    The Who Cut The Cheeze Fart

         An easy identification with this one.  Someone has got to say, Who
    cut the cheeze? when it is first noticed or it cannot be called a Who
    Cut The Cheeze Fart.  It may or may not have an odor like strong
    cheese, but it will have an odor.


    The Xmas Fart

         The Xmas Fart is any ordinary fart that is farted at Christmas.
    That is the only special thing about it.  That and the fact that it is
    a fart that starts with the letter X.  An example of the Xmas Fart
    happened with me at school.  It was not Christmas but the last day of
    school before Christmas.  It happened in Mrs. Schlotsheimer's class.  I
    was sitting at the back of the room right next to Harold Tabor, just
    the two of us alone.  Being so close to Christmas I was sitting there
    singing Christmas carols in my head and not paying much attention and
    without thinking I farted a loud one.  A regular firecracker.  Heads
    turned all over the room as can be imagined.
         I had to think fast.
         Hark the herald, I said.  And pointed at Harold.
         Everyone thought that he was the one.  Harold is crazy about puns
    but he was not so crazy about that one.


    The Xylophone Fart

         I am not really positive there is a Xylophone Fart.  I have never
    heard one myself.  I have put it in as a possible fart subject to
    verification.  This way I will have two farts starting with the letter
    X.  If you will look in a dictionary you will see that there are not
    too many words in the whole English language that begin with the letter
    X.  So the two X farts will have to do.
         However, this gives your real fart freak something to shoot for.
    Who will be the first to positively identify the Xylophone Fart?  Time
    will tell.


    The Yodel Fart

         The Yodel Fart sounds like a fart whose voice is changing, or like
    a yodel.  It can be either a Swiss mountain yodeler type of yodel or an
    American cowboy singer type of yodel.  Either one will do.  Not so rare
    as the Xylophone Fart, but just about.


    The Yoga Fart

         This rare fart is a fart by a person sitting with their legs
    crossed thinking very heavy thoughts.  The chance of a group two
    identification on this one is pretty slim, as who wants to hang around
    a person sitting with their legs crossed thinking very heavy thoughts.
    If it is a group one fart and you are really into Yoga then you should
    not even notice that you have farted.  This could be a tough one to get
    on your list unless your friends are pretty weird.


    The Yo-Yo Fart

         This is a spectacular fart.  A real dilly.  Sound alone identifies
    it.  It makes the Octave Fart sound like a hiccough.  It starts out on
    the highest fart note possible and goes all the way down to the lowest
    fart note possible.  And then to the amazement of everyone it comes all
    the way back up again.  Extremely rare.


    The Zipper Fart

         This is the only fart that starts with the letter Z.  It goes
    Z-z-z-zip.  It hardly sounds like a fart at all.  As a matter of fact
    there may not even be such a fart.




    

         This file is a compilation of The Fart Book and Fart Part II;
    books written by Donald Wetzel, illustrated by Martin Riskin, and
    published by Ivory Tower Publishing Company Incorporated.

         HEY, WHAT'S THIS??!...

    
           No portion of this book may be reproduced - mechanically
        ELECTRONICALLY, or by any other means including photocopying -
                   without the permission of the publisher.
    

         Oh... shit... you mean this is illegal?
         (heh heh.)

         ENJOY!

    
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