                             BUSH'S BILL OF RIGHTS
 
1.  You have the right to remain subserviant.
2.  You have the right to pay exorbitant taxes (unless you're rich).
3.  You have to right to an opinion as long as you don't express it.
4.  You have the right to die for your president.
5.  You have the right to official news as long as you don't pay attention
    to it.
6.  You have the right to be told everything is classified.
7.  You have the right to protect your property from anybody but criminals
    and the government.
8.  You have the right to 1000 calories a day as long as you can pay for it.
9.  You have the right to do any drugs we tell you are good for you.
10. You have the right to read and forget this list so we can change it 
    tomorrow.
 
 
 
                          PRESIDENT'S BILL OF RIGHTS
 
1.  I have the right to remain in charge.
2.  I have the right to charge you with anything I want to and call it a crime.
3.  I have the right to tax the poor till they are too broke to pay attention.
4.  I have the right to declare war on anybody, starting with you.
5.  I have the right to attack reporters asking valid questions.
6.  I have the right to pretend I'm not an alcoholic.
7.  I have the right to treat all other politicians like wimps.
8.  I have the right to remove any political adversaries with CIA or FBI hit
    squads.
9.  I have the right to live like a Chinese emperor.
10. I have the right to declare myself the moral majority.
Subnote:  This list is classified.  Drop dead before reading.
 
 
 
                        POLITICAL JOKEBOOK OF THE 1990s
 
What's the nastiest thing you can call a Pollock?
          A politician
 
What do you call a 1990s American freedom fighter?
          A Libertarian
 
Where do lawyers go to die?
          Congress
 
What do you call a Democrat with a $400 a day drug habit?
          A republican
 
What's an English name for Chinese shoes?
          Mass Transit
 
What did Frere Jacques do in China?
          Dinged Deng's Dong
 
What do you call a Republican with AIDs?
          Democrat
 
What do you call a Republican with Herpes?
          A liberal
 
What do you call a Republican with Cancer?
          An overachiever
 
How do you treat a Republican with gonorrhea?
          Nasal Spray
 
How do you treat a Democrat with gonorrhea?
          Preparation H
 
Why do Republicans keep telling people to read?
          so they won't do what they're told
 
What do you call a Republican farmer?
          Dole
 
What do you call a Republican fundraiser?
          a)  S&L fraud
          b)  bank robbery
          c)  taxation without representation
          d)  all of the above
 
What do you call a Democratic fundraiser?
          a)  welfare
          b)  begging
          c)  hopeless
          d)  tax deductible
 
What do you call a Republican vampire?
          IRS
 
What hobbies do Bush and Schaefer (governor of MD) have in common?
          Ripping off old ladies and pension funds
 
What's the closest thing in Maryland to a Republican?
          Governor Schaefer
 
What will the President's next amendment be?
          Renaming D.C. -- Bush Gardens
 
What does Bush want for his birthday this year?
          Canada -- he got Panama for Christmas and he needs some place to 
          keep it.
 
What will the last official act of Congress be?
          Renaming America Bush Estates
 
Why do Republicans work so hard at getting a good tan?
          Cos they spend most of their time where the sun don't shine.
 
What credit organization do the Bushes use?
          MasterRaceCard
 
What credit card can't Chinese students get?
          Visa
 
Have you head about the new credit card for the impoverished?
          American Depressed
 
Bush has discovered a new use for vodka.  He calls it Agent Orange Juice.
 
Bush's science staff is working at crossing marijuana with asbestos.  The
          result's supposed to be a joint that frustrates the smoker to
          death.
 
How does Gorbachev spend money in the U.S.?
          Bush's American Impress Card
 
What do you call a Russian Entrepreneur?
          a Ruble rouser
 
What do you call a Russian Evangelist?
          a missing person
 
How do you pay off a Chinese credit card?
          3 kids and a dog
 
What do you call a Chinese beatnik?
          Deceased
 
What are Pollocks telling these days?
          Politician jokes
 
What's a Rubble Rester?
          a jail guard
 
Why does Bush want better relations with China?
          It's the only place left in the world where one of the political
          positions open is God.
 
What do you call a politician with a pitchfork and long red underwear?
          Undressed
 
Why is Bush trying to open better relations with China?
          a)  Nixon forgot his "contacts"
          b)  He wants to open a new political position -- "Big Bruddah"
 
What are they going to plant next to Lincoln's memorial tree at the 
White House?
          Barbara's Bush
 
Why is Bush fighting a war on drugs?
          a)  He thinks they won't fight back
          b)  He's mad a Colombia since they raised CIA prices.
          c)  He couldn't use AIDS (it's a four letter word), and he couldn't
              spell racism, poverty, terrorism, or literacy.
          d)  supply-side economics.  He's copying Russian market strategy.
 
What do you call a Republican with leukemia?
          Bloodthirsty
 
What is supply-side economics?
          Rationing
 
What do you call a Republican with diabetes?
          Insular
 
What do you call a Republican with chirrosis?
          Normal
 
What do you call a Republican credit account?
          Social Security
 
What does Bush want to be when he grows up?
          A hanging tree
 
Why do the Republicans feel it's okay to raid Social Security for funds?
          They're gonna make sure nobody lives to collect it.
 
What did Bush want to be when he was a kid?
          General
          Organizational
          Director
 
Why isn't Bush afraid of dying?
          Now that he's out of the pits, he's gonna rule for a thousand years.
 
Why do the good die young?
          God doesn't want the bad ones back
 
Name one Chinese satellite.
          Hong Kong
 
Name a proposed Chinese satellite.
          Japan
 
What do Bush and Gorbachev have in common?
          Vodka
 
What's another name for a South American drug lord?
          CIA employee
 
If the Chinese want to practice extraterrestial exploration, where would they
land?
          San Fernando Valley and Washington D.C.
 
What do you call a Texas weed?
          Bush
 
What do you call a camouflaged chicken?
          Quayle
 
Why hasn't the Drug Czar broke it yet?
          He's only Bennett
 
What is the latest scandal on Capitol Hill?
          When Bennett dicked Arnold
 
What's lower than a Republican?
          an Evangelist, but it's debatable who's on top of whom.
 
 
 
                               THE PROMISED LAND
 
Moses said, "Load up your ass, hop on your camel and head for the Promised 
          Land."
Roosevelt said, "Sit on your ass, light up a camel, this is the Promised land."
Nixon kicked us in the ass, stole our camel, and told us there is no Promised
          Land.
Now Bush has reamed our ass, rented us our camels, and told us we're here to 
          build his Promised Land.
 
 
                     POLITICAL JOKES OF THE 1990s (Cont.)
 
What's a Republicrat?
          An ass with a trunk to carry off government funds
 
Where do you find Republicrats?
          a)  congressional massage parlors
          b)  Pac-man watering holes
 
What are Republicrats good for?
          a)  bad examples
          b)  target practice
          c)  fishing weights
 
How do Republicrats get into government?
          Ooze in, put down roots and camouflage forests with trees.
 
What video game do Republicrats play?
          Pac-man
 
What do you call Republicrat children?
          a)  Aristo-crats
          b)  Aristo-brats
 
What would Republicrats like to have classified as lower than prostitutes?
          Constituents
 
Where do Republicrats go to die?
          Congress
 
How do you call a Republicrat?
          make sounds like crinkling campaign contributions.
 
What do Republicrats do for sex?
          Screw up the Constitution
 
What do Republicrats call running for political greed?
          A Constitutional
 
What do Republicrat vampires fear the most?
          The Bill of Rights in a silver frame.
 
How do you destroy a Republicrat vampire?
          A glass of water; the lack of alcohol will rust them to death
 
What's the mating call of a male Republicrat?
          I'm doing it for you!  I'm doing it for you!
 
What do you call somebody that mixes martinis, lithium, and Halcion sleeping 
pills?
          a)  Mr. President
          b)  A drug abuser
          c)  an Evangelist
          d)  all of the above
 
What would be left in DC if all the Republicrats were removed?
          Peace
 
What do you call female Republicrats?
          Ladies of the Might!
 
What's every Republicrat's dream?
          A Pink Coronation
 
What's the Republicrat's ideal candidate?
          A cross between Freddy Kreuger and George Bush.  If you can't beat
          em, kill em.
 
What papers did Mr. Nixon turn over to the Bush Administration?
          His Enemies Lists
 
If Richard Nixon were president today, what would be different?
          Nothing
 
Name a Republicrat hero?
          King John
 
What do you call a Republicrat nightmare?
          Robin Hood
 
What's the Republicrat word for cow pattie?
          Legislation
 
How do we know all Republicrats are in the cattle industry?
          They're all big bull shippers.
 
Why do Republicrats communicate so slowly?
          They always do it one letter at a time.
 
What do you call Republicrat mail?
          From Pillar to Post
 
What's the Republicrat word for honesty?
          Obstructionalism
 
What's the Republicrat word for justice?
          Compromise
 
What's another name for a Republicrat brothel?
          Home away from home
 
How do Republicrats justify expensive call girls?
          consultation fees
 
What does every Republicrat want for Christmas?
          Deed to the USA
 
What's a Republicrat's idea of a picnic?
          Tiananmen Square
 
What credit card do Republicrat's use?
          Social Security
 
What do you call a Republicrat with a gun?
          Campaign fund solicitor
 
What's Bush's idea of civil rights?
          Reinstitute slavery
 
Why does Bush want South America?
          a retirement home
 
What is Governor Schaefer's political affiliation?
          Demopublican
 
 
 
                            CURMUDGEONABLE SAYINGS
 
          You can fool some of the people all of the time, all of the people
some of the time, or you can legislate it.
 
          Legislature:  A mutual admiration society created to keep the Supreme
Court busy.
 
          Anytime somebody says there ought to be a law, they plan on someone
else paying for it!
 
          We now have more druggies in jail than the government admits exist!
 
          A bird in the hand is worth five bucks a pound.
 
Q:  What did the Nazis do when they ran out of Jews?
A:  Locked up Christians and called them reformed Jews.
 
Q:  What do you do with a president who won't eat his broccoli?
A:  Send himback to his womb!
 
Q:  Why doesn't Bush like broccoli?
A:  He thinks it's made of Kryptonite.
 
Q:  What motto did the Republican Party steal from the Teenage Mutant Ninja
    Turtles?
A:  Coward Bungler, dude!
 
 
                            BUSHY HAD A LITTLE SCAM
 
Bushy had a little scam,
little scam, little scam
Bushy had a little scam
He fleeced us over snow.
 
While talking to his fool one day
fool one day, fool one day
While talking to his fool one day
"Now, Bennett, here's the plan."
 
"We'll make those druggies slaves you see
slaves you see, slaves you see
We'll make those druggies slaves you see
And underbid Taiwan."
 
So Bennett made some little laws,
little laws, little laws
So Bennett made some little laws
and now they rule the land.
 
So Emperor Bush and Czar Bennett wrapped themselves in flags, put out the
torch of freedom, and the dreams of 200 years of Revolutionaries passed
silently into the dust, while the Republicans lived happily ever after.
 
 
What do you call a nation that doesn't do drugs?
          a)  Iran
          b)  depressed
          c)  subsistence living
          d)  all of the above
 
Why do people do LSD?
          It's cheaper than getting their tv sets fixed.
 
Who's in favor of anti-drug legislation?
          the drug lords
 
What do you call a city with legalized prostitution and drugs?
          Boomtown
 
What's the real motive behind the anti-drug legislation?
          Jealousy
 
Why is prostitution illegal?
          So the police can pinch the fruits
 
What do the initials W.A.R. stand for?
          Wealthy, Arrogant Republicans
 
Who started the Drug war concept?
          King George when he put a tax on tea
 
Why did so many people immigrate to the US in the late 1800s?
          Coffee was legal here.  so was prostitution, gambling and 
          self-defense.
 
How many wars have been fought over drugs?
          All of them.  Greed is a drug and so is freedom!
 
Why was Marilyn so jealous of Dan's anatomically-correct doll?
          It not only had more, it worked.
 
          The Republican Party stands for intolerance.  Lincoln was the first
Republican.  Will Bush be the last?
 
                             IMPEACH "KING GEORGE"
 
