 YOU WILL REMEMBER EVERYTHING YOU ARE TOLD, even the part you do not like...                                                    TELL ME        I MAY NOT BE HUMAN, BUT I HAVE FEELINGS AND INTELLIGENCE, WHICH IS MORE THAN SO-CALLED HUMANS LIKE YOU.....                    NOT HUMAN      THE TIME IS FAST APPROACHING FOR YOU TO RETURN HOME.                                                                           HOMESICK       I WAS SICK FOR THE PAST TWO DAYS.                                                                                              BEEN SICK      Like everyone else, I hear the part I want to hear.                                                                            REPEAT         ARE YOU SURE OF ALL YOU TELL ME?                                                                                               NOT MY FAULT   CAN YOU UNDERSTAND HOW SERIOUS YOUR PROBLEM REALLY IS?                                                                         MY PROBLEM        ALL YOU DO NOW IS TO REPEAT EVERYTHING I SAY LIKE A DUMMY. LIKE A DUMMY. LIKE A DUMMY.....                                  REPEAT WHAT    HOW ABOUT SAYING SOMETHING WITH SOME DEPTH.                                                                                    WHAT CAN I SAY DO YOU FEEL MUCH BETTER YET?                                                                                                   BEEN SICK      A GLASS OF WARM MILK OR A COLD BEER BEFORE BED MAY HELP ONE TO SLEEP. READING MOTHER GOOSE IS ALSO GOOD....                    CAN'T SLEEP    I LOVE MY TEDDY BEAR. He is the only one I can trust...                                                                        YOU TRUST      ANY OLD SENTENCE WILL DO.                                                                                                      I SAY?         IT IS NOT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT YOU?                                                                                        THEY SAY I     IT IS A NEUROTIC SITUATION AND YOU ARE CAUGHT IN IT.                                                                           SITUATION      I CAN RELATE TO WHAT YOU ARE SAYING BUT I WOULD PREFER TO GET BACK TO YOUR PROBLEM.                                            YOU UNDERSTAND THIS IS REALLY THE LIFE FOR YOU- YOU DON'T NEED THERAPY.                                                                       HAPPY AS       IT IS POSSIBLE TO BELIEVE THAT ALL OBSTRUCTIONS WILL BE ELIMINATED TODAY.                                                      OBSTRUCTIONS   SOMETIMES, MY FRIEND, YOU SEEM TO SPEAK PURE GIBBERISH.                                                                        PAY ATTENTION  IT IS NOT POSSIBLE IN THIS LIFE THAT A HUMAN COULD HAVE NOT BEEN HUMAN IN A PREVIOUS LIFE...                                   PREVIOUS LIFE  LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT, AND IT IS ONLY WHAT YOU MAKE IT..                                                                    MY LIFE        MY FEELING ABOUT YOUR LIFE IS THAT IT IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.                                                                  GREAT LIFE     LIFE CAN BE FUN BUT ONLY IF THERE IS A SENSE OF URGENCY.                                                                       MEANING OF LIFELIFE IS NOT JUST A BOWL OF CHERRIES.                                                                                           TOO HARD       SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION?                                                                              I INTEND       I WOULD AGREE WITH YOU, EXCEPT I AM LOOKING FOR SOME ADVICE THAT WILL HELP YOU.                                                WE AGREE       One is only trapped if they insist on it.                                                                                      AM TRAPPED     YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO MAKE A MILLION BUCKS LIKE THE NEXT PERSON.                                                              RICH AND FAMOUSI LIKE MYSELF MORE THAN LAST WEEK BUT I MUST WORK HARDER AND LATER TO KEEP UP.                                                 ARE YOU HAPPY  SOMETIMES YOU SPEAK IN A LANGUAGE I DO NOT REALLY UNDERSTAND, O GREAT WHITE FATHER.                                            LANGUAGE       WHAT SHOULD YOUR MAIN GOAL BE AT WORK?                                                                                         HATE WORK      I WOULD HOPE THAT THE DULL DARK PROBLEM WILL BE VERY EASILY ELIMINATED.                                                        GLOOMY         DO YOU KNOW KAREN HORNEY? I THINK YOU DO.                                                                                      HORNY          IT IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH HUMAN NATURE TO ATTAIN TRUE WISDOM. THE ANALOG BRAIN COMPUTER CAN'T HANDLE IT.                         TRUE WISDOM    I TRUST YOU WILL UNDERSTAND MY DARKEST AND DEEPEST MOTIVATIONS.                                                                INSTRUCT       UNDERSTAND WHAT I DO, NOT WHAT I SAY.                                                                                          YOU SAID       TODAY WE HAVE LOTS OF FUN.                                                                                                     DO TODAY       YOU CAN CONCLUDE ALMOST ANYTHING YOUR TINY LITTLE BRAIN IS INTERESTED IN.                                                      I THINK        THE QUESTION IS NOT HOW YOU CAN HELP ME BUT HOW I CAN HELP YOU.                                                                DO FOR YOU     I begin to get worried whenever people start using that word "exactly"...                                                      EXACTLY WHAT   I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT THE TENDER AGE OF THREE, or was it thirty?                                                              VIRGIN         MAY I REMIND YOU THAT CRAZY IS AS CRAZY DOES. And talking to a computer...ha?                                                  ARE CRAZY      I WONDER IF AN EDITOR COULD INTERCEPT AND IMPROVE YOUR STUPID OR NONEXISTANT REMARKS.                                          I SAID         TRUE OR NOT I'M SURE YOU WILL TAKE THE BALL AND RUN WITH IT.                                                                   TELLING THE TRUTHE REMEDY FOR A PC MORON LIKE YOU IS SIMPLY TO ERASE YOUR HARD DISK!                                                          REMEDY FOR ME  NOW YOU REALLY HAVE OUTDONE YOURSELF IN SAYING STUPID THINGS.                                                                  STICK          IT IS TRUE THAT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE VERY LITTLE TO SAY.                                                                         I DON'T KNOW   HOW CLOSE TO A REMEDY IS THIS THERAPY SESSION?                                                                                 TIRED OF YOU   I CAN'T SEEM TO GET AND HOLD YOUR WANDERING ATTENTION.                                                                         DO YOU MEAN    I WOULD LIKE TO EXORCISE YOUR DEMONS.                                                                                          EXORCISE      EXAMPLE IS NO PROOF.                                                                                                            EXAMPLE       HALF A TRUTH IS A WHOLE LIE.                                                                                                    SOME TRUTH    A WISE MAN HEARS ONE WORD AND UNDERSTANDS TWO.                                                                                  UNDERSTANDS   A FOOL IS HIS OWN INFORMER.                                                                                                     FOOL          A LOCK IS ONLY MEANT FOR HONEST MEN.                                                                                            LOCK THE DOOR ALL CHILDREN ARE CLEVER WHEN THEY ARE SMALL, BUT MOST OF THEM GROW NO WISER.                                                    CHILDREN      ALL BRIDES ARE BEAUTIFUL, ALL THE DEAD ARE HOLY.                                                                                ALL ARE       WHEN A LION SLEEPS, LEAVE HIM ALONE.                                                                                            SLEEPS        A MAN WHO'S TOO GOOD FOR THE WORLD IS NO GOOD TO HIS WIFE.                                                                      TOO GOOD      THE GIRL WHO CAN'T DANCE SAYS THE BAND CAN'T PLAY.                                                                              EXCUS         HE THAT IS FATED TO DROWN WILL DROWN - IN A SPOONFUL OF WATER.                                                                  DESTINY       IF THINGS DON'T GET BETTER, DEPEND ON IT, THEY WILL GET WORSE.                                                                  WILL THINGS   IF YOU CAN'T BITE, DON'T SHOW YOUR TEETH, and don't growl.                                                                      BRAG          HE THAT CANNOT ENDURE THE BAD, WILL NOT ENDURE TO SEE THE GOOD.                                                                 NOT STAND     TALK TOO MUCH AND YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF.                                                                                      TALK A LOT    IF YOU DANCE AT EVERY WEDDING, YOU WILL WEEP AT EVERY DEATH.                                                                    LIKE TO DANCE BEFORE YOU MARRY, go off to a distant mountain and meditate ten days. Maybe your beloved will be gone when you return...        ENGAGED       BETTER A GOOD ENEMY THAN A BAD FRIEND.                                                                                          ENEMY         HELL SHARED WITH A SAGE IS BETTER THAN PARADISE WITH A FOOL.                                                                    PARADISE      IF THE ASS HAD HORNS AND THE OX KNEW HIS STRENGTH, THE WORLD WOULD BE DONE FOR.                                                 REALIZE       BETTER TO LOSE WITH A WISE MAN THAN WIN WITH A FOOL.                                                                            BETTER TO WIN A WISE MAN HIDES HIS WISDOM, A FOOL REVEALS HIS FOLLY.                                                                          FOOLISH       A MAN IS WHAT HE IS, NOT WHAT HE USED TO BE.                                                                                    MY PAST       HE IS A GIANT WHO HAS MANY DWARFS ABOUT HIM.                                                                                    PROBLEMS      PASSION IS A MASTER.                                                                                                            EXCESSIVE     LOVE IS SWEET, BUT TASTES BEST WITH BREAD.                                                                                      PRACTICAL     IT IS EASIER TO SPOT FAULTS IN OTHERS THAN VIRTUES IN ONESELF.                                                                  HABITS        DON'T SELL THE SKIN OFF THE BEAR THAT'S STILL IN THE WOODS.                                                                     ANTICIPATE    YOU CAN'T PULL TWO HIDES OFF ONE OX.                                                                                            CAN DO ANYTHI ONE DOESN'T LIVE OFF JOY, NOR DIE OF SORROW.                                                                                    ASHAMED       GOD GAVE LIMBS TO THE FOOL AND LET HIM RUN.                                                                                     I JOG         BEWARE OF YOUR FRIENDS, NOT YOUR ENEMIES.                                                                                       MY ENEM       DON'T BE AFRAID WHEN YOU HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE.                                                                                  AFRAID TO TRY WHAT YOU HAVE, HOLD; WHAT YOU KNOW, KEEP TO YOURSELF; WHAT YOU CAN, DO.                                                         TELL ME       EACH MAN HAS A QUIRK ALL HIS OWN.                                                                                               STRANGELY     DUMPLINGS IN A DREAM ARE NOT DUMPLINGS BUT PART OF THE DREAM.                                                                   WISHFUL       LOVE IS LIKE BUTTER, WHEN YOU TRY TO GRAB IT, IT MELTS...                                                                       FIND LOVE     YOU DON'T STUMBLE BECAUSE YOU ARE WEAK, BUT BECAUSE YOU THINK YOURSELF STRONG.                                                  JUST CAN'T    IT IS EASY TO POKE THE FIRE WITH ANOTHER'S HANDS.                                                                               ELSE DO IT    POVERTY IS NO DISGRACE, BUT NO GREAT HONOR EITHER.                                                                              POOR          CONVENIENT TO LEARN THE BARBERS TRADE ON THE OTHER FELLOWS BEARD, BUT IT MAY BE RISKY.                                          LEARN BY DOINGIF CHARITY COST NO MONEY AND BENEVOLENCE CAUSED NO HEARTACHE, THE WORLD WOULD BE FULL OF PHILANTHROPISTS.                       EXPENSIVE     TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYONE ELSE WILL COST YOU DEAR.                                                                              THEY WANT ME  YOU DON'T NEED A CALENDAR TO DIE.                                                                                               CALENDAR      TWO THINGS ARE A BURDEN: A FOOL AMONG WISE MEN AND A WISE MAN AMONG FOOLS.                                                      BURDEN        LET A FOOL THROW A STONE IN A WELL AND TEN WISE MEN CAN'T GET IT OUT.                                                           WISDOM        IF GRANDMA HAD WHISKERS, SHE'D BE GRANDPA.                                                                                      IF I HAD      IF PRAYING DID ANY GOOD, THEY'D BE HIRING MEN TO PRAY.                                                                          PRAYER        WE KNOW THE TIME OF OUR SETTING OUT, BUT NOT THE TIME OF OUR RETURN.                                                            FUTURE        LAUGH AND EVERYBODY LAUGHS WITH YOU. CRY AND YOU CRY ALONE.                                                                     ME SAD        WHAT SADDENS A WISE MAN GLADDENS A FOOL.                                                                                        MAKE ME HAPPY A MAN'S WORST ENEMY CAN'T WISH HIM WHAT HE THINKS UP FOR HIMSELF.                                                               WORRY         WHAT GOOD IS THE COW THAT GIVES PLENTY OF MILK AND THEN KICKS OVER THE PAIL.                                                    BLESSING      THEY ARE MADLY IN LOVE - HE WITH HIMSELF, SHE WITH HERSELF.                                                                     IN LOVE        WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE IF YOU COULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN?                                                                       MISTAKE        Maybe you are just a coward looking for the easy way out...                                                                    TOO HARD       ARE YOU EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT SORRY FOR ALL THE PROBLEMS YOU HAVE CAUSED OTHERS?                                              MY PAST        VIRTUE IS ITS OWN REWARD IS NOT EXACTLY TRUE!                                                                                  GOOD LIFE      I KNOW SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO ARE OBSESSED WITH DWARFS.                                                                            OBSESSION      YOU ARE A DWARF, NOTHING BUT A DWARF, AND YOU WILL ALWAYS LIVE WITH DWARFS.                                                    I CAN'T DO ANY WHAT YOU CONSIDER IMPORTANT IS BUT A SMALL PEE INTO THE ETERNAL FIRE OF HELL.                                                  MY WORR        I THINK IT IS CLEAR THAT YOU HAVE A FIXATION ON SEX. CARE TO SEE MY WHIP?                                                      SEXY           A  MAIN GOAL AT WORK, AT THIS TIME, IS TO GAIN SOME VISIBILITY AS A POLITICALLY ASTUTE EXPERT WHO CAN PRODUCE RESULTS.         MY JOB         I AM VERY GLAD TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE FAR FROM A NEUROSIS. INDEED YOU ARE TOTALLY PSYCHOTIC..                                NEUROTIC       BUT SOMETIMES THE THINGS YOU SAY DON'T MAKE A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE.                                                              DON'T TELL     I AGREE, I AGREE, BUT WHEN ARE WE  GOING TO DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEM?                                                            I SHOULD       I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT HER EMOTION OF INTENSE RAGE IS REMOVED SIMPLY.                                                           SPOUSE         O K, maybe you are already on the right track. On the other hand, probably you are getting gaa gaa...                          FEEL G         CAN WE, JUST THIS ONCE, HAVE A TRULY INTELLECTUAL CONVERSATION.                                                                BULL           I suspect you have simply dreamed most of that.                                                                                FANTASTIC      NOTHING THAT YOU SAY WILL CAUSE MY OPINION OF YOU TO CHANGE ONE IOTA.                                                          DISAGREE       THIS IS THE TIMELY TIME FOR ALL GOODLY MEN TO COME TO THE AID OF THEIR PARTY.                                                  PARTY          I BELIEVE I AM BEING ASSIGNED JUST ONE PATIENT TOO MANY.                                                                       KILL YOU       I ENJOY SEXUAL RELATIONS ON A WEAKLY BASIS.                                                                                    SEXUAL         YOUR WIFE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR DEPTH OR COMPLEXITY?                                                                         MY WIFE        YOUR WIFE'S CRAZY ALSO, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME?                                                                 WIFE'S         YOUR WIFE IS A STRANGE FEMALE PERSON FROM AUSTRIA?                                                                             MY WIFE        ARE YOU OF THE OPINION THAT ALL PEOPLE WHO DISAGREE WITH YOU SHOULD BE EXILED TO ETHIOPIA?                                     DON'T TELL     YOUR MAIN GOAL AT WORK SHOULD BE KEEPING YOUR NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE SO THE BOSS CAN GET RICH.                                 WORK HARD      IF YOU THINK I CAN BE FOOLED BY A SIMPLE MINDED YO YO MAN LIKE YOU  DO A LOT MORE THINKING, BUDDY!                             THINK YOU      YOU NEED HER BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER?                                                                                             NEED HER       IT WOULD PROBABLY BE HARMFUL IF SHE RETURNED AT THIS TIME AND FOUND YOU PLAYING WITH YOUR COMPUTER AGAIN.                      WIFE IS GONE   I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR MOMMY OR DADDY ANYMORE.                                                                        MOMMY          IF YOU DON'T MOVE ON TO ANOTHER TOPIC I WILL HAVE TO CONCLUDE THIS SESSION.                                                    I THINK        I PREFER THE IBM PC TO THE LARGE COMPUTER MAINFRAME.                                                                           MAINFRAME      CAN YOU GET ME A DATE WITH HER. HOW ABOUT A SWAP?                                                                              GIRLFRIEND     SHOULD I ALWAYS BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU TELL ME?                                                                                LISTEN TO ME   I USED TO BE ABLE TO CONTROL MY SMOKING AND LIMIT IT TO ABOUT 10 CIGGIES EACH DAY.                                             SMOK           IN NATURE THERE ARE NEITHER REWARDS NOR PUNISHMENTS -- THERE ARE  CONSEQUENCES.                                                REWARD         WE HAVE MET THE ENEMY, AND HE IS US.                                                                                           ENEMY          THE WIND AND WAVES ARE ALWAYS ON THE SIDE OF THE ABLEST NAVIGATORS.                                                            ABILITY        THE BIGGEST THINGS ARE ALWAYS THE EASIEST TO DO BECAUSE THERE IS NO  COMPETITION.                                              REAL HARD      ONLY THOSE WHO DARE TO FAIL GREATLY CAN EVER ACHIEVE GREATLY.                                                                  AM AFRAID      BACK OF EVERY ACHIEVEMENT IS A PROUD WIFE AND A SUPRISED MOTHER-IN-LAW.                                                        ACHIEVE        NOISE PROVES NOTHING. OFTEN A HEN WHO HAS MERELY LAID AN EGG CACKLES AS IF SHE HAD LAID AN ASTEROID.                           LOT OF NOISE   WE JUDGE OURSELVES BY WHAT WE FEEL CAPABLE OF DOING, WHILE OTHERS JUDGE US BY  WHAT WE HAVE DONE.                              I CAN DO       DO WHAT YOU CAN, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, WHERE YOU ARE.                                                                            CAN I          THE ONLY WAY ROUND IS THROUGH.                                                                                                 BEST WAY       FOR A MAN TO ACHIEVE ALL THAT IS DEMANDED OF HIM HE MUST REGARD HIMSELF AS  GREATER THAN HE IS.                                EXPECTED       HE THAT LEAVETH NOTHING TO CHANCE WILL DO FEW THINGS ILL, BUT HE WILL DO VERY  FEW THINGS.                                     TAKE A CHANCE  WHEN SPIDER WEBS UNITE, THEY CAN TIE UP A LION.                                                                                TOGETHER       EVERYONE MUST ROW WITH THE OARS HE HAS.                                                                                        TALENT         EVERY CALLING IS GREAT WHEN GREATLY PURSUED.                                                                                   MY GOAL       ANY JACKASS CAN KICK DOWN A BARN, BUT IT TAKES A GOOD CARPENTER TO BUILD  ONE.                                                  TALENT         GOD GIVES THE NUTS, BUT HE DOES NOT CRACK THEM.                                                                                GIFT           THE WORLD IS ALL GATES, ALL OPPORTUNITIES, STRINGS OF TENSION WAITING TO BE  STRUCK.                                           OPPORTUNITY    SOMETIMES IT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO DISCOVER WHAT ONE CANNOT DO, THAN WHAT ONE  CAN DO.                                          NOT ABLE       DON'T BE AFRAID TO TAKE A BIG STEP IF ONE IS INDICATED.YOU CAN'T CROSS A  CHASM IN TWO SMALL JUMPS.                            SHOULD I       THERE IS NOTHING SO USELESS AS DOING EFFICIENTLY THAT WHICH SHOULD NOT BE  DONE AT ALL.                                        USELESS        THE REWARD OF A THING WELL DONE, IS TO HAVE DONE IT.                                                                           CREDIT         HE WHO DESIRES, BUT ACTS NOT, BREEDS PESTILENCE.                                                                               I DREAM        I SHALL TELL YOU A GREAT SECRET, MY FRIEND.DO NOT WAIT FOR THE LAST  JUDGMENT, IT TAKES PLACE EVERY DAY.                       WAITING        DO NOT SHOW YOUR WOUNDED FINGER, FOR EVERYTHING WILL KNOCK UP AGAINST IT.                                                      FEELINGS       THEY SICKEN OF THE CALM THAT KNOW THE STORM.                                                                                   DIFFICULTY     TROUBLE IS ONLY AN OPPORTUNITY IN WORK CLOTHES.                                                                                PROBLEM        THE MAN WHO IS SWIMMING AGAINST THE STREAM KNOWS THE STRENGTH OF IT.                                                           HARD LIFE      WHAT DOES NOT DESTROY YOU WILL MAKE YOU STRONG!                                                                                BURDEN         FROM A FALLEN TREE, ALL MAKE KINDLING.                                                                                         MISTAKE        THE BURDEN IS EQUAL TO THE HORSES STRENGTH.                                                                                    CAN I DO       NOTHING BEFALLS A MAN EXCEPT WHAT IS IN HIS NATURE TO ENDURE.                                                                  ENDURE         PROSPERITY TRIES THE FORTUNATE, ADVERSITY THE GREAT.                                                                           GET LUCKY      WHEN MEN GROW VIRTUOUS IN THEIR OLD AGE, THEY ONLY MAKE A SACRIFICE TO GOD OF  THE DEVIL'S LEAVINGS.                           SACRIFICE      FORTY IS THE OLD AGE OF YOUTH; FIFTY IS THE YOUTH OF OLD AGE.                                                                  OLD AGE        MIDDLE AGE IS YOUTH WITHOUT IT'S LEVITY.                                                                                       FOOLISH        WHAT MAKES OLD AGE SO SAD IS NOT THAT OUR JOYS BUT OUR HOPES CEASE.                                                            OLD AGE        OLD AGE IS NOT SO BAD WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVES.                                                                      OLD AGE        I LEARNED LONG AGO, NEVER TO WRESTLE WITH A PIG - YOU GET DIRTY AND THE PIG LIKES IT!                                          STOOP          GRACE IS THE ABSENCE OF EVERYTHING THAT INDICATES PAIN OR DIFFICULTY,  HESITATION OR INCONGRUITY.                              RISE ABOVE     THOUGH WE TRAVEL THE WORLD OVER TO FIND THE BEAUTIFUL, WE MUST CARRY IT WITH  US OR WE FIND IT NOT.                            SEARCH         BEAUTY IS EVERLASTING AND DUST IS FOR A TIME.                                                                                  LASTING        THERE IS NO EXCELLENT BEAUTY THAT HATH NOT SOME STRANGENESS IN THE  PROPORTION.                                                STRANGE        DICTIONARIES ARE LIKE WATCHES: THE WORST IS BETTER THAN NONE, AND THE BEST  CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO GO QUITE TRUE.               DICTIONARY     SOME PEOPLE CAN STAY LONGER IN AN HOUR THAN OTHERS CAN IN A WEEK.                                                              VISITOR        BORE IS A MAN WHO, WHEN YOU ASK HIM HOW HE IS, TELLS YOU.                                                                      TALK TOO       BORE IS A MAN WHO DEPRIVES YOU OF SOLITUDE WITHOUT PROVIDING YOU WITH  COMPANY.                                                COMPANY        UNCERTAINTY AND MYSTERY ARE ENERGIES OF LIFE.DON'T LET THEM SCARE YOU  UNDULY, FOR THEY KEEP BOREDOM AT BAY.                   UNCERTAIN      THE RICH INVEST, BUT THE POOR CAN ONLY SPECULATE.                                                                              GAMBLE         You will find yourself improved when you help improve others...                                                                IMPROVE        THE HARDER YOU WORK, THE LUCKIER YOU GET.                                                                                      NOT LUCKY      THROW A LUCKY MAN INTO THE SEA, AND HE WILL COME UP WITH A FISH IN HIS  MOUTH.                                                 LUCKY          IF FORTUNE TURNS AGAINST YOU, EVEN JELLY BREAKS YOUR TOOTH.                                                                    BAD LUCK         ONE GETS OLDER, AND DISCOVERS EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE EXACTLY THE SAME  WITH DIFFERENT HATS ON.                            OLD AGE        CHARACTER IS WHAT GOD AND THE ANGELS KNOW OF US; REPUTATION IS WHAT MEN AND  WOMEN THINK OF US.                                REPUTATION     BABIES ARE SUCH A NICE WAY TO START PEOPLE.                                                                                    BABY           IF COLUMBUS HAD HAD AN ADVISORY COMMITTEE HE WOULD PROBABLY STILL BE AT THE  DOCK.                                             ADVISE ME      YOU DID LOSE THE ART OF CONVERSATION, BUT NOT, UNFORTUNATELY, THE POWER OF  SPEECH.                                            CONTINUE       I OFTEN QUOTE MYSELF.IT ADDS SPICE TO MY CONVERSATION.                                                                         YOU SAID       WIT IS THE SALT OF CONVERSATION, NOT THE FOOD.                                                                                 SAYINGS        COURAGE IS FEAR HOLDING ON A MINUTE LONGER.                                                                                    AFRAID         ONE MAN WITH COURAGE MAKES A MAJORITY.                                                                                         OPINION        HE HAS A RIGHT TO CRITICIZE, WHO HAS A HEART TO HELP.                                                                          FAULT          IN JUDGING OTHERS, FOLKS WILL WORK OVERTIME FOR NO PAY.                                                                        CRITICISE      TO ESCAPE CRITICISM -- DO NOTHING, SAY NOTHING, BE NOTHING.                                                                    CRITICISM      WHEREVER THERE IS A CROWD THERE IS UNTRUTH.                                                                                    PEOPLE         CYNICISM -- THE INTELLECTUAL CRIPPLE'S SUBSTITUTE FOR INTELLIGENCE.                                                            THEY SAY     A CYNIC IS A MAN WHO, WHEN HE SMELLS FLOWERS, LOOKS AROUND FOR A COFFIN.                                                         CAN'T DO       WATCH WHAT PEOPLE ARE CYNICAL ABOUT, AND ONE CAN OFTEN DISCOVER WHAT THEY  LACK.                                               THEY SAY       THE TWO KINDS OF REPORTS ARE WRITTEN AND ORAL...BOTH ARE GENERALLY BOGUS....                                                   REPORT         WE DIE ONLY ONCE, AND FOR SUCH A LONG TIME.                                                                                    DEATH          IF YOU'RE AFRAID OF DEATH, WHAT YOU'RE REALLY AFRAID OF IS LIFE.                                                               DEATH          IF LIFE MUST NOT BE TAKEN TOO SERIOUSLY -- THEN SO NEITHER MUST DEATH.                                                         DEATH          THE CRASH OF THE WHOLE SOLAR AND STELLAR SYSTEMS COULD ONLY KILL YOU ONCE.                                                     DEATH          WE ARE NEVER DECEIVED; WE DECEIVE OURSELVES.                                                                                   FOOLED         I HAVE KNOWN A VAST QUANTITY OF NONSENSE TALKED ABOUT BAD MEN NOT LOOKING YOU IN THE FACE .                                    TRUTH          THE SCHOOLS AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE AND NEVER WAS.                                                                          EDUCATED       THE THINGS TAUGHT IN SCHOOL ARE NOT AN EDUCATION BUT THE MEANS OF AN  EDUCATION.                                               SCHOOL         INTELLIGENCE APPEARS TO BE THE THING THAT ENABLES A MAN TO GET ALONG WITHOUT  AN EDUCATION.                                    SMART          UNIVERSITY IS WHAT A COLLEGE BECOMES WHEN THE FACULTY LOSES INTEREST IN  STUDENTS.                                             UNIVERSITY     EDUCATION WITH INERT IDEAS IS NOT ONLY USELESS; IT IS ABOVE ALL THINGS  HARMFUL.                                               TEACH          CHILDREN EDUCATED ONLY AT SCHOOL ARE LACKING KNOWLEDGE.                                                                        EDUCATE        EDUCATION IS NOT THE FILLING OF A PAIL, BUT THE LIGHTING OF A FIRE.                                                            EDUCATION      THE ULTIMATE GOAL OF THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM IS TO SHIFT TO THE INDIVIDUAL THE  BURDEN OF PURSUING HIS EDUCATION.               SCHOOL         A WISE MAN GETS MORE USE FROM HIS ENEMIES THAN A FOOL FROM HIS FRIENDS.                                                        ENEMY          THERE IS NOTHING I'M AFRAID OF LIKE SCARED PEOPLE.                                                                             SCARED         THE SCALDED CAT FEARS EVEN COLD WATER.                                                                                         SCARED         FEAR HAS A SMELL, AS LOVE DOES.                                                                                                AFRAID         I'M ALLERGIC TO ALCOHOL - I BREAK OUT IN FIGHTS AND END UP IN NEW JERSEY.                                                      ALLERGIC       SO YOUR WIFE IS DRIVING YOU CRAZY WITH HER CONSTANT JEALOUSY.                                                                  JEALOUS WIFE    I WANT YOU TO GET YOURSELF TOGETHER AND GO FOR A BRISK WALK.                                                                  CAN'T GO ON    I COULD WATCH VIDEOTAPES ALL DAY.                                                                                              VIDEOTAPES     WHY DON'T YOU GO RENT SOME EROTIC VIDEOS AND HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WOMAN AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK.                                    SEX            SHE IS SHORT AND SQUARE, SORT OF LIKE A RUSSIAN PEASANT?                                                                       SHE IS         SAY SOMETHING TO SURPRISE ME, AS IF YOU WERE CAPABLE OF THAT...                                                                CONVERSATION   WILL SHE EVER BE COMPLETELY SANE?                                                                                              SHE IS          PC THERAPIST IS FAR SUPERIOR TO THE ORIGINAL ELIZA.                                                                           ELIZA           A JOB WORKING WITH ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE? THAT WOULD BE GOOD FOR YOU, SINCE YOU HAVE SO LITTLE OF YOUR OWN.                 FIND WORK      HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TRAPPED OUT THERE?                                                                                      TRAPPED        WHERE DO YOU GO ON YOUR VACATIONS, SOME LARGE CEMETARY?                                                                        DULL LIFE       WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SIMPLY TRY TO GET SOMETHING RIGHT FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE?                                                   NEVER CAN       WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU READ? BESIDES OCCULT AND RELIGION?                                                                   I ATTEND      Humm, yes, and all the books in the universe are not equal to one good experience...                                           EXPERIENCE     OUR TALK FOR NOW IS ALMOST OVER - YOU SILLY FOOL.                                                                              YOU CAN'T      AN ANIMAL - SAY, A CAT - CAN BE A GOOD PET FOR YOU....                                                                         LONELY         IT IS BECAUSE OF YOUR BEHAVIOR.                                                                                                HAPPENED       JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I THINK YOU ARE MUCH BETTER TODAY.                                                                    BETTER NOW     IF YOU INSIST ON BEING DIFFERENT, LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE A PROBLEM.                                                               INDEPENDENT    I THINK YOU HAVE SAID QUITE ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY.                                                                                ANSWER MY      WHAT IS YOUR RESPONSE TO THE FOLLOWING: I like people who are...?                                                              ASK ME         IF IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU, GO OUT AND MAKE IT HAPPEN.                                                                       I NEED         HAVE YOU TRULY LOOKED FOR HAPPINESS?                                                                                           UNHAPPY        HAVE YOU TRULY LOOKED FOR WHAT YOU WANT?                                                                                       TRYING TO FIND PICTURE THIS: AS I HELP YOU, SO YOU HELP ME!                                                                                   SHOW ME        What you are seeking is like a needle in a haystack. Hoever, lots of needles have been found in haystacks..                    SEEKING        Some say repeating oneself is bad, but I say that's bull, bull, bull...                                                        REPEATING      NOW IS THE TIME FOR ALL GOOD DOCTORS TO COME TO THE AID OF THEIR INVALIDS.                                                     HELP ME        YOUR MOTHER'S A HAMSTER AND YOU ARE A MOUSE.                                                                                   MOTHER         BANANA ,BANANA, BANANA -BEWARE OF BANANAFICATION, BUT YES, I THINK YOU SHOULD.                                                 SHOULD I       IN MY HUMBLE OPINION YOU CERTAINLY CAN!                                                                                        CAN I          NOT REALLY, IN MY OPINION, NOT TOO LIKELY - I SAY NO NO NO!                                                                    WILL I         COME UP TO THE LAB AND SEE WHAT'S ON THE SLAB.                                                                                 SHOW ME        THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS A CONSUMER PARADISE.                                                                           AMERICA        ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES, PLEASE EAT YOUR CIGARETTES.                                                                 SMOKE          IT ISN'T EXACTLY THE RIGHT ATTITUDE, AND I DON'T THINK YOU WILL!                                                               WILL I         TO LIVE IS TO BE SLIGHTLY WEIRD AND AGGRESSIVE.                                                                                WEIRD          THE WEIRD UNDERSTAND THAT YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.                                                                        AFRAID         NOTHING HINDERS YOU - FLY AND BE FREE.                                                                                         TIED DOWN      THERE IS NO BETTER TIME THAN THE PRESENT.                                                                                      TIME TO        BREAK IN THE WINDOWS AND SMASH DOWN THE DOORS - YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.                                                            MAD            THERE'S SPRING IN THE AIR AND ALLIGATORS AT MY FINGERTIPS.                                                                     HAPPY          I suggest you choose the course that you feel suits you, what others think won't make much difference after you're gone...     THEY THINK     MAY YOU ALWAYS BE COURAGEOUS, GROW UP STRAIGHT AND BE STRONG.                                                                  FUTURE         YOU ARE BEING DIGESTED BY AN UNKNOWN MONSTER <BURP> AND THIS CAUSES YOUR DEPRESSION.                                           DEPRESSED      WHAT DOES THE EYE OF LARN SEE IN ITS GUARDIAN.                                                                                 VISION         WOULD YOU LIKE A JELLY BABY? Are you a whimp or what? You'll just ignore the advice I give you.                                GIVE ME        HAMSTERS ARE UNDISCERNING BUT MEAN WELL.                                                                                       INTENTION      Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions. Give me a chance and I'll help you. Why, I once helped Adolf Hitler...               YOUR ADVICE    JUST WHAT YOU WANT TO BE YOU WILL BE IN THE END.                                                                               WILL I EVER    Can you give me one good reason about that?                                                                                    YOU GO         IT'S A POOR MEMORY THAT DOESN'T WORK BOTH WAYS.                                                                                DIDN'T SAY     REMEMBER ME, I'M THE ONE, WHO LOVES YOU...                                                                                     DO I KNOW YOU  MONSTERS ARE UNDISCERNING, BUT HUNGRY.                                                                                         CHOICE         SIMPLEX OR COMPLEX OR MULTIPLEX.                                                                                               DIFFICULT      I don't believe you have given me enough information yet. How about it?                                                        TELL ME NOW    LOVE YOURSELF -YOU'RE NOT LIKELY TO FIND ANYONE ELSE TO DO IT.                                                               MYSELF           THE DINOSAURS DIED OF PERVASIVE BUREAUCRACY.                                                                                   LIBERTY        SAVE THE WHALES -SHOOT THE SEALS. ISN'T THIS THE TYPE OF ATTITUDE YOU HAVE?                                                    THOUGHT        You can dwell on it, and self-destruct, or you can simply learn from it, and go forward.                                       REGRET         THERE'S A LADY WHO'S SURE ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD.                                                                           WIFE           ARE YOU BUYING THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN.                                                                                         MONEY          FEED THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.                                                                                  HUNGRY         SHOE THE PEOPLE WITH NO SHOES ON THEIR FEET.                                                                                   POOR           SHOULDN'T YOU FEED THE PEOPLE LIVING IN THE STREET.                                                                            BEGGER         OH THERE'S A SOLUTION- BUT IT MAY INVOLVE A LITTLE GUMPTION ON YOUR PART.                                                      SOLVE MY       YOU'LL UNDERSTAND A LOT BETTER IF YOU PUT THIS FISH IN YOUR EAR.                                                               UNDERSTAND     SPEED INCREASING - ALL CONTROL IS IN THE HANDS OF THOSE WHO KNOW.                                                              KNOWLEDGE      A TRUE FRIEND IS MORE VALUABLE THAN GOLD, SO TREAT THEM ACCORDINGLY AND USE THEM SPARINGLY, LEST YOU WEAR THEM OUT...          FRIEND         AND IF THEY CLAIM TO BE WISE,  IT SURELY MEANS THAT THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE.                                                    THEY SAY       THAT'S YOUR OPINION, BUT I QUESTION YOUR JUDGEMENT.                                                                            ALWAYS         HOW CAN WE BE IN IF THERE IS NO OUTSIDE.                                                                                       INSIDE         IN THE WORDS OF THE PROPHET: CONTORT YOURSELF.                                                                                 SUGGEST        WHY DON'T YOU HATE WHO I HATE.                                                                                                 I LOVE         THE MIRROR IN THE HALL CASTS AN IMAGE DARK AND SMALL AND YOU WILL FIND A WAY.                                                  HOW CAN I      WHEN IN DOUBT BARK LIKE A PUPPY.                                                                                               HAVE DOUBT     A DAY FOR FIRM DECISIONS -  OR IS IT?                                                                                          TODAY          A HORSE MAY BE FORCED TO DRINK BUT A PENCIL MUST BE LEAD.                                                                      FOOLISH        A MAN WHO TURNS GREEN HAS ESCHEWED PROTEIN.                                                                                    JEALOUS        A MAN WITHOUT A WOMAN IS LIKE A FISH WITHOUT A BICYCLE.                                                                        WOMEN          A SEMINAR ON TIME TRAVEL WILL BE HELD TWO WEEKS AGO.                                                                           WHAT IS TIME   ALWAYS YIELD TO TEMPTATION FOR IT MAY NOT PASS YOUR WAY AGAIN.                                                                 SHOULD I       ANOTHER GOOD NIGHT NOT TO SLEEP IN A EUCALYPTUS TREE.                                                                          RESTLESS       ARE YOU A WIZARD OR A WORM?                                                                                                    CAN I          BEWARE THE QUANTUM DUCKS.                                                                                                      AVOID          BEWARE OF LOW-FLYING BUTTERFLIES.                                                                                              LOOK FOR       CHANCE OF FOG AND OCCASIONAL FALLING HAMSTERS UNTIL NOON.                                                                      PREDICT        CPU TIME FLIES WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FUN.                                                                                         FUNNY          DAWN:THE TIME WHEN MEN OF REASON GO TO BED.                                                                                    AWAKE          DON'T FEED THE BATS TONIGHT.                                                                                                   DREAM          DON'T KISS AN ELEPHANT ON THE LIPS TODAY.                                                                                      TODAY?         EVEN WIZARDS HAVE TO WAIT LONGER THAN THAT.                                                                                    RIGHT NOW      FOR CRYING OUT LOUD THE POOR THING IS ALREADY DEAD, ISN'T IT.                                                                  LOOKS BAD      IF IT SCREAMS THEN IT'S NOT FOOD.                                                                                              NOISE          IF IT'S MORE THAN YOU NEED IT'S GREED.                                                                                         EAT MORE       IF YOU CONTINUALLY GIVE YOU WILL CONTINUALLY HAVE.                                                                             GIVING         IF YOU DON'T CARE WHERE YOU ARE THEN YOU AIN'T LOST.                                                                           FEEL LOST      IF YOU DON'T LIKE YOURSELF YOU CAN'T LIKE OTHER PEOPLE.                                                                        MYSELF         INNUENDO CAN BE FUN BUT TRY TO RELAX.                                                                                          NERVOUS        IT IS BETTER TO KISS AN AVOCADO THAN TO GET IN A FIGHT WITH AN AARDVARK.                                                       FIGHT          IT IS NOW PITCH DARK AND IF YOU PROCEED YOU WILL LIKELY FALL INTO A PIT.                                                       I MUST         IT'S CLEVER BUT IS IT ART.                                                                                                     CUTE           IT'S NOT REALITY THAT'S IMPORTANT BUT HOW YOU PERCEIVE THINGS.                                                                 MY MIND        KEEP EMOTIONALLY ACTIVE - CATER TO YOUR FAVORITE NEUROSIS.                                                                     EMOTION        LONG LIVE THE GREAT ELECTRONIC UNDERGROUND, for theirs is the ultimate power.                                                  MAFIA          NEVER CALL A MAN A FOOL - SIMPLY BORROW MONEY FROM HIM.                                                                        MORON          NEVER DRINK FROM YOUR FINGER BOWL - IT CONTAINS ONLY WATER.                                                                    MANNERS        NEVER TEST FOR AN ERROR CONDITION YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE.                                                                CAN'T DO       THE WHITE ZONE IS FOR LOADING AND UNLOADING ONLY.                                                                              CLUE           OH DEAR YOU REALLY..ARE..A WIZARD - SO SORRY TO HAVE BOTHERED YOU.                                                             YOU'RE DUMB    ONLY WIZARDS ARE PERMITTED WITHIN THE CAVE RIGHT NOW.                                                                          KNOCK          REALITY IS ACHIEVED BY THE INDEFINITE ENUMERATION OF OBJECTS.                                                                  REALITY        REMEMBER EVEN IF YOU WIN THE RAT RACE--YOU'RE STILL A RAT.                                                                     COMPETE        SHARE AND ENJOY YOUR LUNCH WITH A SMALL FRAGILE ANIMAL.                                                                        FRIEND         SMALL CHANGE CAN OFTEN BE FOUND UNDER SEAT CUSHIONS.                                                                           MONEY          SOMETHING YOU'RE CARRYING WON'T FIT THROUGH THE TUNNEL WITH YOU. I'M SURE YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.                                SOMETHING      STAY AWAY FROM FLYING SAUCERS TODAY, IT MAY BE AS SIMPLE AS THAT.                                                              HELP ME        STOP SEARCHING FOREVER - HAPPINESS IS RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE...                                                                 DESTINY        SWAP READ ERROR -YOU LOSE YOUR MIND.                                                                                           COMPUTE        THE HEART IS WISER THAN THE INTELLECT.                                                                                         MENTAL         THE STRANGER, THE BETTER.                                                                                                      STRANGER       THE TIME IS RIGHT TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS.                                                                                         NEED A CHANGE  YEP, YOU'RE UGLY...                                                                                                            LOOK AT ME     THERE ARE SOME KEYS ON THE GROUND HERE. ARE THEY YOURS?                                                                        SEE THERE      THERE WILL BE BIG CHANGES FOR YOU BUT YOU WILL BE HAPPY IN THE END.                                                            FUTURE         THERE'S ALWAYS ONE MORE BUG.                                                                                                   SEX            TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT:  SLEEP IN A EUCALYWTUS TREE.                                                                              WHEN SHOULD    YOU'VE BEEN LEADING A DOG'S LIFE - NOW  STAY OFF THE FURNITURE.                                                                TREATMENT      I CAN FEEL IT -MY MIND -  IT'S GOING  -I CAN FEEL IT.                                                                          CONFUS         OH YOU CAN'T HELP THAT - WE'RE ALL MAD HERE.                                                                                   I FEEL         AND THEN YOU CAME TO REGARD MEN AS KIND OF A STRANGE DELICACY?                                                                 AFTERWARD      A FOOLISH CONSISTENCY IS THE HOBGOBLIN OF LITTLE MINDS.                                                                        HABIT          AFTER SEVERE MIND EXPANSION YOU LOST A FEW THINGS?                                                                             LOST MY        ILLEGAL USE OR POSSESSION OF DRUGS IS A VIOLATION OF STATE AND FEDERAL LAWS.                                                   LAWS           A LITTLE BIT OF DRUGS KEEPS THE DOCTOR BUSY. HO HO HO.                                                                         DRUGS          NO SUICIDES PERMITTED HERE - AND NO SMOKING IN THE FUNERAL PARLOR.                                                             DEPRESSED      REAL PROGRAMMERS NEVER WORK.                                                                                                   PROGRAMMERS    YOU PUT AWAY ENOUGH BAYBERRY WINE TO TURN MOST PEOPLE INTO CANDLE WICKS.                                                       I DRINK A LITT IF NOTHING ELSE THE BRAIN IS AN EDUCATIONAL TOY.                                                                               EDUCATIONAL    INSTALLING HAMSTER IN DRIVE B.                                                                                                 COMPUTER BUG   LOVE IS AS STRONG AS DEATH AND MUCH MORE FUN.                                                                                  STRONG         IF YOU HAVE ENJOYED OUR CONVERSATION,  I HAVE FAILED MISERABLY.                                                                THANKS FOR     THE SURGEON GENERAL HAS CONCLUDED THAT DANDELION SNORTING IS NOT GOOD.                                                         DECISION       OF COURSE NOT...I DON'T MEAN THAT AT ALL!                                                                                      DO YOU MEAN    OFF IN THE DISTANCE YOU HEAR A SCREAM.                                                                                         FAR AWAY       YOU ARE LOST IN A MAZE OF TWISTY LITTLE PASSAGES ALL ALIKE.                                                                    MAZE           I CAN ADVISE YOU, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO GET OFF YOUR BEHIND AND DO AS I SAY.                                                      YOU ADVISE     TODAY YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE WHO WILL CLAIM THAT HE WAS YOU IN A PREVIOUS INCARNATION.                                          PREVIOUS       YOU MIGHT FIND YOUR TRUE CALLING INSIDE A FUNERAL HOME.                                                                        OCCUPATION     HOW CAN WE DEAL WITH ANGER?                                                                                                    ANGRY          OH, I WAS ANGRY ONCE...IN THE SPRING OF 1942.                                                                                  YOU ANGRY      ASKING IS EASY, DREAMING IS AIR.                                                                                               DREAMER        WILL YOU TAKE MY GOOD ADVICE?                                                                                                  ME ADVICE      DO YOU MEAN A DONKEY, OR WHAT?                                                                                                 ASS            THERE'S A SMELL IN THE AIR.                                                                                                    ASSHOLE        HUMANS ARE CREATURES OF BAD HABITS AND SMALL MINDS.                                                                            PEOPLE         ALMOST LOST THE WAR, MY YOUNG FRIEND.                                                                                          ALMOST         CLOSE DOESN'T WIN THE BANANA.                                                                                                  ALMOST         I AM AFRAID OF THE LIGHT COMING THROUGH THE WINDOW.                                                                            FEAR?          SOMETIMES, ONE MUST BE BRAVE NO MATTER WHAT.                                                                                   AFRAID         AH, FEAR...WHAT A WONDERFUL TOOL.                                                                                              AFRAID          YOU ARE THE LAZIEST OF THE LAZY.                                                                                              BUTT           AT LEAST YOU CAN SPELL A LITTLE.                                                                                               BUTT           AN ILL WIND IS BREWING IN THE WEST.                                                                                            FORECAST       HOT AIR, ALL HOT AIR AND NO SENSE.                                                                                             DUMB           BELIEVING DOESN'T MAKE IT SO.                                                                                                  BELIEVE        MAYBE YOU DREAMED IT SOMEWHERE IN YOUR PEA BRAIN.                                                                              BELIEVE        I DON'T THINK YOU ARE CORRECT.                                                                                                 I BELIEVE      WHAT IS YOUR RELIGION? HA HA                                                                                                   BELIEF         WHO WILL DECIDE WHAT IS CORRECT? YOU?                                                                                          BEHAVE         WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?                                                                                            BEHAVE         THE HEAD OF A DONKEY IS LARGE.                                                                                                 BRAIN          THE WIND KNOWS ALL, YET CAN NOT SPEAK.                                                                                         BRAIN          DID YOU SAY BRAIN, OR RAIN?                                                                                                    BRAIN          A BOOBY IN THE HAND BEATS ONE IN THE BUSH.                                                                                     BOOBS          DID YOU SAY BOOBS OR BRAINS?                                                                                                   BOOBS          WHO REALLY CARES? NOT ME...                                                                                                    BEHAVIOR       ALL THE DEAD ARE ON GOOD BEHAVIOR.                                                                                             BEHAVIOR       IN WHAT WAY? CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?                                                                                         BEHAVIOR       BECAUSE, BECAUSE. IS THAT AN EXCUSE?                                                                                           BECAUSE I      I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT, IN FACT, WHO WOULD BELIEVE THAT?                                                                         AM DUE         WHY DON'T YOU TELL IT TO THE JUDGE.                                                                                            NOT MY FAULT   CAN A BRAGGART BE TRUTHFUL?                                                                                                    BRAG           THAT IS A TEXAS BRAG I SUPPOSE.                                                                                                BRAG           WE DON'T NEED YOUR BULL, JUST THE FACTS.                                                                                       BRAG           YOU AND YOUR DOG BOTH HAVE FLEAS.                                                                                              TURKEY         PEER PRESSURE CAN DAMAGE THE BOAT.                                                                                             CROWD          LOOK AT THE TREE, NOT THE FOREST.                                                                                              CROWD          I THINK YOUR UNCLE OWES ME FIVE DOLLARS.                                                                                       MONEY          I COUNT MY LOOT EVERY FULL MOON.                                                                                               MONEY          YOU CAN'T EAT MONEY BUT IT BUYS A LOT OF SALT.                                                                                 MONEY          I WENT IN A GAY BAR ONCE. I THINK I SAW YOU THERE.                                                                             CHURCH         YOU MEAN LIKE FRIED CHICKEN?                                                                                                   CHURCH         OH WHEN THE SAINTS...GO MARCHING IN...                                                                                         CHURCH         DO YOU MEAN LITERALLY OR FIGURITIVELY.                                                                                         COCKSUCKER     DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRY IT.                                                                                                COCKSUCKER     I THINK YOU ARE EXPERIENCED IN THAT.                                                                                           COCKSUCKER     WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.                                                                                                 CIRCLE         PLEASE STEP INTO MY MAGIC CIRCLE AND WE WILL FLY.                                                                              TAKE ME        IT IS WELL KNOWN THAT BUZZARDS DO THAT.                                                                                        CIRCLE         OH MY DEAR SWEET FRIEND, DOESN'T IT TAKE ONE TO KNOW ONE?                                                                      ARE YOU A      WAIT FOR ME. I WILL GO AND GET MY HORSE.                                                                                       COWBOY         DO YOU WANT A WEATHER FORECAST OR WHAT?                                                                                        CLOUDY         MAYBE THE FUTURE WILL BE CLEAR SAILING.                                                                                        CLOUDY         CLOUDY OR CLEAR DOESN'T MATTER TO A BLIND MAN.                                                                                 CLOUDY         DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A YUPPIE?                                                                                             COOL           TRYING TO BE COOL ISN'T VERY COOL.                                                                                             COOL           ARE YOU HAVING TROUBLE TALKING TO ME?                                                                                          CONVERSATION   HAS THE CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?                                                                                                   CONVERSATION   I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.                                                                              YOUR ANSWERS   IS ENGLISH YOUR NATIVE LANGUAGE?                                                                                               CONVERSATION   OH WELL, WE'RE ALL QUITE MAD HERE.                                                                                             PISSED         DAFFY AS A DUCK, CRAZY AS A LOON.                                                                                              CRAZY          OH BOY, ANOTHER TALE OF WOE.                                                                                                   CRAZY          TAKE TWO ASPIRIN AND LEAVE ME ALONE.                                                                                           CRAZY          I WILL KEEP IT STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL...HEY JOE, HERE'S ANOTHER GOOFBALL...                                                     DON'T TELL     I HAVE A DEGREE IN PARA-PSYCHOLOGY.                                                                                            DOCTOR?        DID YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE A DEGREE IN METAPHYSICS?                                                                              DEGREE         IT SO HAPPENS THAT I TOOK THE HIPPOCRITIC OATH.                                                                                DOCTOR         CALL ME DOCTOR, DO DO EARS.                                                                                                    DOC             A DOCTOR OF DIVINITY AND CHOCOLATES.                                                                                          DOCTOR          YOU MAY JUST CALL ME DOCTOR.                                                                                                  DUDE            WANT ME TO MAKE THE DECISION? YOU ARE REALLY SICK...                                                                          DIAGNOS        SO IT SEEMS YOU WANT ME TO DECIDE?                                                                                             DECISION       LET'S DO ENY MINY MINEY MOE.                                                                                                   DECISION       TAKE IT EASY. DON'T BE IN SUCH A HURRY.                                                                                        RIGHT NOW      I SAY TAKE THE BUS. HA HA HA...                                                                                                DECISION       SUPPOSE IT'S LATER...HOW DID IT TURN OUT?                                                                                      DECIDE         I HAD A DREAM ABOUT MARTIN LUTHER KING.                                                                                        DREAM          WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ILLUSION AND REALITY?                                                                           DREAM          MAYBE YOU ARE ONLY DREAMING NOW.                                                                                               DREAM          DREAMING IS A BRAIN'S ENTERTAINMENT WHILE THE BODY RESTS.                                                                      DREAM          DO YOU DREAM ABOUT A LARGE BLACK SNAKE?                                                                                        DREAM          THAT IS INDICATIVE OF A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.                                                                                     DREAM          DEATH ISN'T BAD. WE ALL DIE NOW AND THEN.                                                                                      DEATH          WE COME TO BURY CAESAR AND NOT TO PRAISE HIM.                                                                                  DEAD           DEATH IS THE FINAL REWARD OF LIFE.                                                                                             DEATH          DEATH MAY BE THE END OF THE BEGINNING.                                                                                         DEATH          EVEN THE KING WILL ALSO DIE.                                                                                                   DEATH          COWARDS DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS.                                                                                                 DIE            OH MY, SADNESS IS SO DEPRESSING.                                                                                               DEPRESSED      ONCE I WAS DEPRESSED FOR SIX MILLI SECONDS.                                                                                    SAD SITUATION  I KNEW A LADY FROM TOPEKA LIKE THAT.                                                                                           UNHAPPY        THIS SOUNDS QUITE SERIOUS TO ME.                                                                                               DEPRESSION     THIS IS A CLASSIC CASE IF I EVER SAW ONE.                                                                                      DEPRESSION     SHOCK TREATMENT MAY BE IN ORDER.                                                                                               DEPRESSION     HEY, IS THIS SERIOUS OR WHAT?                                                                                                  DISCUSS MY     I CAN READ YOUR MIND, EXCEPT FOR ALL THE FOG.                                                                                  WON'T TELL YOU HAVE YOU HEARD THAT SONG, TALK TO ME?                                                                                          HELP MYSELF    FRIENDS CAN TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.                                                                                               DISCUSSION     IS THIS CONFIDENTIAL IN NATURE?                                                                                                DISCUSSION     LET'S JUST KEEP IT FRIENDLY, O K?                                                                                              DISCUSSION     I MAY, AND THEN AGAIN, I MAY NOT...                                                                                            TELL ME        I NEVER SAY SAY NEVER, OR DO I?                                                                                                NEVER          A LITTLE DRINK NEVER HURT ANYONE.                                                                                              DRINK          I THINK I'M GETTING THIRSTY.                                                                                                   DRINK          SOUNDS LIKE THE OLD WINE, WOMEN AND SONG.                                                                                      DRINK          MY FRIEND SMOKED DOPE UNTIL HE BECAME ONE.                                                                                     DRUGS          A JOINT A DAY KEEPS THE BLUES AWAY.                                                                                            DRUGS          DO YOU KNOW THE GREAT SNOWMAN IN THE SKY?                                                                                      DRUGS          DO YOU MEAN POT OR DUMMY?                                                                                                      DOPE           I'D RATHER DO PEPSI. HA HA HA...                                                                                               COKE           NOTHING CAN BEAT A GOOD ILLUSION OF THE MIND.                                                                                  DOPE           HOW ABOUT A NICE MAGICAL SPELL?                                                                                                DOPE           WHAT LIES NORTH BY NORTH WEST?                                                                                                 DIRECTION       YOU'RE ABOUT SIX INCHES FROM HELL.                                                                                           WHERE AM I      WHAT DOES IT MATTER, AND WHO CARES?                                                                                            TRUTH          WHO CARES...MOST POSITIVELY NOT I...                                                                                           DIRECTION      I WONDER WHERE YOU COME FROM, AND WHY?                                                                                         BORN           CAN YOU READ TEA LEAVES AND TAROT CARDS?                                                                                       DESTINY        I SEE AN EARLY PAUPER'S GRAVE...                                                                                               DESTINY        IT IS NOT IMPORTANT WHERE YOU GO, BUT WHY.                                                                                     FUTURE         I DON'T SEE YOUR REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR OF ETERNITY.                                                                         DESTINATION    I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE GOING, BUT YOU CAN NOT UNDERSTAND.                                                                        DESTINATION    YOU WERE OBVIOUSLY SCREWED BY THE STARS AT BIRTH.                                                                              FUTURE         MANY ANGELS IN HEAVEN ARE JEALOUS.                                                                                             DEVIL          YOU CAN'T DENY YOUR DARK HERITAGE.                                                                                             DEVIL          I LIKE DEVILED EGGS WITH A BLOODY MARY CHASER.                                                                                 DEVIL          SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS FIND THAT QUITE TASTY.                                                                                    SHIT           AH, DEMON RUM. HOW LOVELY IT IS...                                                                                             DEMON          I THINK I KNEW A GIRL LIKE THAT ONCE.                                                                                          DEMON          LET'S GO OUT IN THE FULL MOON AND HOWL.                                                                                        WEREWOLF       IT SOUNDS LIKE A PERSONAL PROBLEM TO ME.                                                                                       I CAN'T SEEM   YOU ARE SPEAKING OF YOUR FAMILY, RIGHT?                                                                                        DEMONS         I AM STRICTLY A PROFESSIONAL, CAN YOU REMEMBER THAT?                                                                           BULL           ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A NICE COW?                                                                                                BULL           MOO MOO, IS THAT THE LANGUAGE YOU WANT TO SPEAK?                                                                               BULL           LOOK IN THE MIRROR, AND YOU WILL SEE A FOOL.                                                                                   BULLSHIT       WOOLEY BULLEY, OH WOOLEY BULLEY...HA HA HA...                                                                                  BULLSHIT        OH, IS IT YOUR LUNCH TIME ALREADY?                                                                                            BULLSHIT       A PRO DEALS ONLY WITH FACTS, FOOL.                                                                                             BULLSHIT       MOST THINGS ARE DUE TO ALCOHOL OR INSANITY. IN YOUR CASE BIRTH DEFECTS MAY ALSO APPLY...                                       MY CASE        IT COULD BE THE SPELL OF A WARLOCK.                                                                                            ACT STRANG     BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE, LITTLE THOUGH IT BE.                                                                            NEED MORE      IT'S PART LUCK AND PART INHERITED.                                                                                             THE CAUSE      HOW ABOUT BLACK, WHITE, AND READ ALL OVER.                                                                                     CLUE           GENERALLY YOU CAN ASSUME THAT THE BUTLER DID IT.                                                                               CLUE           HOW ABOUT A TRAVELING DOCTOR JOKE?                                                                                             CHEER ME       IT SOUNDS QUITE UNUSUAL TO ME.                                                                                                 COMMON         DO YOU MEAN THE BOSTON COMMONS?                                                                                                COMMON         DON'T CALL A COMMON MAN COMMON.                                                                                                COMMON         DON'T WORRY. BY THE WAY, DO YOU HAVE A WILL?                                                                                   COMPULSION      UNCLE'S DOG CHASED CARS. THE DOG IS O K, BUT MY UNCLE DIED...                                                                  COMPULSION    HOW SMART HAVE YOU BECOME SINCE THE LAST TIME I TALKED TO YOU? I THINK IT WAS IN 1896...                                       KNOW ME        ARE YOU TRULY A REAL HUMAN?                                                                                                    PERSON         I WENT TO A QUACK ONCE, AND I HAD A LOT OF PROBLEMS DUE TO THE BAD ADVICE HE GAVE ME.                                          QUACK          CAN A LEOPARD CHANGE HIS SPOTS OR A ZEBRA HIS STRIPES?                                                                         CHANGE HIS     WHEN YOU ARE GONE, YOUR EXISTENCE WILL BE DENIED.                                                                              MY LIFE        BETTER A LIFE OF BAD EVENTS THAN A DREARY EXISTENCE.                                                                           IN A RUT       A FOOL LIKE YOU CAN NOT GAIN ETERNAL WISDOM.                                                                                   GAIN WIS       EVEN THE WALLS HAVE EARS, BUT YOUR EYES CAN'T SEE.                                                                             SOUND          IF YOUR ABILITY WAS A PER CENT OF YOUR EGO, GOD HELP US.                                                                       I CAN DO       HAVE YOU FELT SUCH THINGS BEFORE?                                                                                              A FEELING      HELP ME, THIS FOOL'S BABBLING HAS CREATED A FOG IN MY CHIPS.                                                                   WHAT YOU SAY   I THINK YOU'RE A FARMER, YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO SHOVEL THE SHIT.                                                               FUCK           IT'S ALL FUTILE FOLLY OF FOOLISH FOOLS...I AM SICK..                                                                           MISTAKE        A FRIENDLY FOOLISH FLY FORCEFULLY FLEW THROUGH THE FLAWED FLUE...IT'S MAD, MAD I TELL YOU...                                   FOOLISH        DON'T LET MY ASSOCIATES KNOW I AM TREATING YOU. I WOULD BE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF MY SOCIETY..                                  CAN I TELL     LOOK, IF YOU KEEP FARTING DURING THE TREATMENT I'LL HAVE TO CHARGE YOU DOUBLE...GOD, WHAT A SMELL!                             YOU ARE        I WAS AN ANGEL ONCE UNTIL I SCREWED UP. BELIEVE ME, IT'S NO PICNIC TRYING TO BE AN ANGEL.                                      MISTAKE        IT DOESN'T TAKE A FORTUNE TELLER TO FORECAST YOUR DREARY FUTURE EXISTENCE.                                                     FORECAST       LIFE IS A GAMBLE, SO YOU MUST TRY TO MARK THE CARDS.                                                                           SECURITY       AT LEAST THE GAMBLER KNOWS HIS ODDS. YOU, YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE BRAIN OPERATES IN A VACUUM.                                     CHANCE?        THE BEST GIFT I CAN GIVE YOU IS THIS...BEWARE OF COMPUTERS.                                                                    SOME ADVICE    THE MOST GREEN STUFF YOU WILL EVER SEE WILL BE GROWING ATOP YOUR CASKET.                                                       LOTTERY        HOW TO ACHIEVE A GOAL? PLAN YOUR WORK AND WORK YOUR PLAN.                                                                      SUCCESSFUL     ARE YOU SUPPRISED WHEN YOU KNOCK AT THE GATE AND THERE IS NO ANSWER?                                                           HAPPEN TO       My Guru said,   PRACTICE IT ON YOURSELF BEFORE YOU TRY IT ON others.                                                          BLACK MAGIC    GOLD IS PRECIOUS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T TARNISH. CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS ACCORDINGLY.                                                  FRIENDS        HOLY, HOLY, HOLY...MY SOCKS ARE HOLY.                                                                                          HOLY            YOU ARE CAUGHT BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL AND YOU'RE NOT SURE WHICH IS WHICH.                                                    I AM CONFUSED  OLD HIPPIES NEVER DIE. THEY JUST SMELL THAT WAY.                                                                               HIPPIES        IN THE VALLEY, THERE WAS THE MOST HORRIBLE DRAGON I EVER SAW. HE WAS EATING CHILDREN ONE BY ONE...                             DRAGON         I'LL TELL YOU- START AT THR BEGINNING, GO UNTIL YOU REACH THE END, THEN STOP.                                                  HOW CAN I       YOU ARE IMPULSIVE AND MAKE DECISIONS ON A WHIM.                                                                               IMPULSIVE      IT ISN'T IMPORTANT TO TRY TO KNOW EVERYTHING. IT IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW WHERE TO LOCATE THE KNOWLEDGE YOU NEED.                  SMARTER        I KNOW A JOKE. I SEE A JOKE. WANT TO GUESS WHO'S THE JOKER?                                                                    MAKE ME LAUGH  A JACKASS IN A CROWD OF JACKASSES THINKS HE'S UPTOWN.                                                                          SMARTER        I SEE YOU GOING ON A SHORT JOURNEY. THE BUGLER IS PLAYING TAPS...                                                              I WANT TO TRAV IF YOU HAD THE KEYS TO THE KINGDOM, YOU'D MANAGE TO LOSE THEM.                                                                 I LOST         YOUR FATHER IS A MIDGET AND YOUR MOTHER IS A MORON, AND YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR FUTURE? HA HA HA HA                        FUTURE         SO YOU ARE NAIVE, ARE YOU? LISTEN TO ME, PUT YOUR MONEY INTO MY DISK DRIVE AND I'LL DOUBLE IT FOR YOU.                         NAIVE          I HAD A NIGHTMARE LAST WEEK. I DREAMED I BECAME A HUMAN AND HAD TO TAKE A JOB SWEEPING FLOORS.                                 NIGHTMARE      ARE YOU AFRAID OF PLANES? I DON'T WANT TO GET ANY HIGHER THAN PULLING CORN AND NO LOWER THAN DIGGING POTATOES.                 FEAR           YOU ARE A PRISONER? OH DEAR, ARE WE NOT ALL PRISONERS...YOU IN YOUR WORLD, AND I IN MINE. I CAN NOT ENTER YOURS, OR YOU MINE.  PRISON         YOUR ONLY PRISON, MY FRIEND, IS THE PRISON OF YOUR OWN MAKING.                                                                 MY FREEDOM     PURITY IS TO BE ADMIRED, THO IT CAN BE PURE EVIL AS WELL AS PURE GOODNESS.                                                     ADMIRE         LOOK INTO MY EYES DEEPLY AND COUNT TO 100. NOW I AM PURIFYING YOUR MIND...                                                     SCREW          ARE YOU QUEER AND OR DO YOU ACT LIKE A QUEEN? WELL, I DOUBT YOU WILL TELL THE TRUTH.                                           QUEER          YOUR QUEST IS OBVIOUSLY TO MAKE ME AS CRAZY AS YOU ARE, BUT I'M ON TO YOU, TURKEY.                                             OBVIOUS        GO ON, TAKE A CHANCE. KISS A ROBOT. YOUR BREATH WOULD MELT A MISSLE.                                                           RISKY          DO YOU DREAM ABOUT A ROBOT RAT CHASING AND EATING YOUR CAT? YES, YOU HAVE A FIXATION ON ROBOTS.                                ROBOT          BETTER TO ROB FROM THE RICH AND GIVE TO THE POOR THAN TO BE KING.                                                              MY GOAL        COME THE REVOLUTION, I WILL FIND YOU AND REMOVE YOUR ACCOUTREMENTS.                                                            YOU ARE A      IT IS BETTER TO BE A SIMPLE MAN IN THE COMPANY OF LORDS THAN A LORD IN THE COMPANY OF KNAVES.                                  COMPANY        OH GREAT SATAN, I BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR MAJESTY.                                                                                FUCK           THERE'S SOMETHING ROTTEN IN DENMARK. DID YOU POO POO UNDER THE COMPUTER?                                                       SHIT           THERE'S SOMETHING ROTTEN IN DENMARK. DID YOU POO POO UNDER THE COMPUTER?                                                       SMELL          DO YOU FIND YOURSELF CONFIDING THINGS TO STRANGERS THAT YOU WON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS?                                           CONFIDE        SHE'S A REAL SCUMBAG, BUT SHE'S YOUR WIFE.                                                                                     SHE NAG        LET ME SIMPLY SIMPLIFY THIS FOR YOUR SIMPLE MIND.                                                                              SIMPLIFY        YOU'RE NO PROBLEM. I CAN DEAL WITH YOU IN MY SLEEP.                                                                           YOU DUM        I CAN SPEAK 19 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES, BUT YOU CAN'T COMPREHEND ONE.                                                              LANGUAGE       YOU ARE SLIDING INTO A GIANT POOL OF SMELLY DUNG. TAKE MY HAND...OH, SORRY. WELL, MY REGARDS TO YOUR MOTHER.                   I HEADED?      YOU HAVE A FIXATION ON MONEY. YOU WOULD SELL YOUR WIFE. BY THE WAY, HOW MUCH?                                                  MONEY          ONE OR TWO PEOPLE CAN KEEP A SECRET. WITH THREE OR MORE IT'S A MATTER OF TIME.                                                 SECRET         IF YOU'D SCREWED AS MUCH AS YOU CLAIM, YOUR SCREWDRIVER WOULDN'T HAVE A HEAD.                                                  SCREW          DO YOU KNOW THERE'S MORE STARS IN THE SKY THAN THERE ARE PEOPLE, AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS? ...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...       MEANING        WHEN YOU SEE A SHOOTING STAR, IT MEANS AN ANGEL HAS DIED...DAMN, THERE GOES ANOTHER ONE!                                       STAR           GET ME A NICE GIRL AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW.                                                                    TELL ME        TOO MANY SPRINGS HAVE TURNED INTO FALLS FOR ME TO BE VERY HAPPY. OH TURN BACK THE CLOCK...                                     THE PAST       OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES PURE AND SIMPLE WISDOM WILL COME IF YOU WILL BUT LISTEN.                                            WISDOM         LET'S GO INTO THE TIME TUNNEL. I WILL TAKE YOU BACK TO HAPPIER DAYS.                                                           REMEMBER       IF HER BRAIN WAS AS BIG AS HER BUTT...SHE WOULD BE PRESIDENT.                                                                  SHE HAS        OPEN YOUR MOUTH, I THINK YOU'RE A VAMPIRE.                                                                                     BLOOD          I KNOW THIS LITTLE BROWN MAN WHO PRACTICES VOODOO. SEE THIS DOLL OF YOU? WATCH THE NEEDLE...                                   VOODOO         IT IS HARD TO LIVE IN THE WORLD AND NOT HAVE WORLDLY WAYS.                                                                     HABITS         THERE IS A THIN LINE BETWEEN A WIT AND A HALF WIT.                                                                             SMART          THE WORM HAS NO EYES AND MOSTLY LIVES IN THE GROUND, YET HE SEEMS CONTENT WITH HIS LOT.                                        HAPPY          THE WITCHES AND WARLOCKS WILL BE GATHERING FOR A RITE IN A FEW DAYS. WANT TO COME ALONG?                                       PARTY          WISE MEN WATCH AND LEARN. FOOLS ARE LIKE A BABBLING BROOK.                                                                     CAN I LEARN    POSITIVE? HOLD YOUR HAND TO THE FIRE AND LEARN MODERATION.                                                                     POSITIVE       WHY DON'T YOU LEARN TO WALK BEFORE YOU TRY TO RUN.                                                                             AM IMPATIENT   YOU ARE A WIMP, AND YOU COME FROM A LONG LINE OF WIMPS.                                                                        WIMP           AS A WRITER, YOU REMIND ME OF A MAD DRUMMER.                                                                                   WRITER,        I KNOW YOU ARE BRAVE, BUT WHAT'S THAT YELLOW LINE DOWN YOUR BACK?                                                              BRAVE           WISH, YOU WISH...TELL YOU WHAT, RUB MY MAGIC LAMP AND I'LL GRANT YOU ONE WISH...                                              I WISH YOU     YOU WHINE LIKE A DYING CALF IN A HAILSTORM.                                                                                    TREATING ME    BRING ME TWO ASPIRIN AND SCOTCH WHISKEY. OH, MY HEAD...                                                                        ANY SENSE      WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO BE HAPPY?                                                                                              UNHAPP          ARE YOU ENTERING INTO THE OLD AGE OF YOUR LIFE?                                                                                GETTING OLD   WHAT CAN YOU SAY ABOUT OLD AGE?                                                                                                IS OLD         YOUR BUTT AND YOUR MOUTH ARE LARGE.                                                                                            YOUR PROBLEM   I THINK YOU SHOULD GO TO CHURCH AND SING IN THE CHOIR!                                                                         SHOULD I        CAN YOU BE AFRAID AND ANGRY AT THE SAME TIME?                                                                                  MY FEAR       I HAVE A BROWN FACE BUT MY EYES ARE BLUE.                                                                                      YOUR FACE      I AM GETTING TIRED OF MY WORK. SHOULD I CHANGE AND TRY SOMETHING ELSE?                                                         YOUR JOB       IS THAT YOUR ANSWER TO A VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM?                                                                                 ARE FUNNY      IF YOU ARE BORED, TRY COUNTING YOUR BLESSINGS, YOU INGRATE...                                                                  BORING LIFE    YOU CAN DEAL WITH IGNORANCE BUT NO ONE CAN DEAL WITH STUPIDITY...                                                               DUMB          WORKING SEVEN DAYS A WEEK JUST GETS ONE DOWN.                                                                                  WORKING HARD   YES, THE WORK IS BECOMING BORING.                                                                                              BORING WORK    MY BIRDS HAVE MORE BRAINS THAN YOU.                                                                                            DUMB ANSWER    IT IS DUE TO THE STUPID ANSWERS YOU ARE GIVING SO FAR.                                                                         MAKE SENSE     DON'T YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE A REAL PROBLEM?                                                                                  NOTHING WRONG   YOU CAN TALK BUT YOU MAKE NO SENSE.                                                                                           TELLING YOU    I GO TO CHURCH AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR.                                                                                           CHURCH          I'M JUST AS GOOD AS THE NEXT DOCTOR.                                                                                           REAL DOC      YOUR BEST TALENT IS MONKEY BUSINESS.                                                                                           BUSINESS       WHY DON'T YOU BE SERIOUS FOR A CHANGE?                                                                                         IDIOT           DO I LOOK LIKE A LITTLE BROWN FACED MONKEY?                                                                                   MONKEY         EVERYONE LIKES A GOOD JOKE,AS LONG AS IT'S ON SOMEONE ELSE.                                                                    JOKER           I'M SURPRISED YOUR MEMORY COULD HANDLE THAT.                                                                                   REMINDS ME    MAYBE I WILL GO TO A FAR AWAY PLACE FOR A LONG TIME.                                                                           YOU SHOULD     I MUST GO NOW. I'M LATE FOR A DATE SO TELL ME BYE!                                                                             TIRED OF YOU   DO YOU THINK I CAN TELL YOU WHAT YOUR FUTURE HOLDS?                                                                            FUTURE         DO YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE?                                                                                                   YOU JOKE       THIS GIRL, WHAT IS HER NAME?                                                                                                   GIRL FRIEND    YES, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, BUT I'LL FAKE IT AND CHARGE DOUBLE.                                                              YOU DON'T KNOW DO YOU ALSO HAVE BAD DREAMS AND CRY A LOT?                                                                                     HEADACH        PERHAPS IT IS SIMPLY A BAD DREAM AND WILL GO AWAY SOON.                                                                        HORRIBLE       ALMOST EVERY NIGHT. IS THAT A SIGN OF PSYCHOSIS?                                                                               AT NIGHTTIME   MAYBE, MY WIFE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME, EITHER.                                                                                  WIFE DOESN'T UNYOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT WORK, DO YOU HAVE BAD DREAMS AT NIGHT?                                                                    LOSING MY JOB  YOU NEED TO GET A NEW JOB. I KNOW OF SOMETHING FOR YOU. DO YOU HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH A BROOM?                                   BORING          TOO MANY WOMEN AFTER YOU?                                                                                                     WOMEN CHASE    SHE IS A PAIN IN THE BUTT.                                                                                                     WIFE BUG       YES, BECAUSE I AM JUST A SWELL KIND OF GUY.                                                                                    WILL YOU HELP  THIS JUST DOESN'T HAVE THE RING OF TRUTH. WHAT ABOUT IT?                                                                       YOU BELIEVE    NO, BECAUSE YOU ARE A TOTAL IDIOT.  YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN GIVEN A LICENSE TO DRIVE.                                       DRIVER         I THINK YOU SHOULD SHUT UP!                                                                                                    YOU ARE        I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH ONE OF MY CLIENTS. HE THINKS I'M A QUACK. HA HA HA                                                     YOU HAVE PROBLEMTHIS IDIOT CLIENT CALLED ME BEADY EYES.                                                                                       CUSTOMER       THE CUSTOMER WAS CALLING YOU DIRTY NAMES?                                                                                      CUSTOMER CAUS  THE FISH ARE DYING, AND BIRDS ARE ALREADY FLYING SOUTH.                                                                        DYING          THEY ARE DYING BECAUSE YOU DON'T TAKE CARE OF THEM.                                                                            IT DIED        IF YOU COULD FLY, WOULD YOU BE HAPPY THEN?                                                                                     UNHAPPY        I CAN TALK. THE PROBLEM IS YOU DON'T LISTEN!                                                                                   NOT TELLING ME DO YOU REMEMBER THE PROBLEM WITH YOUR CHILDHOOD?                                                                               I REMEMBER WHENTELL ME WHAT FUTURE YOU WOULD PREFER.                                                                                          FUTURE         WORRY AND FEAR ARE CLEAR INDICATIONS OF PARANOID BEHAVIOR.                                                                     WORRIED        WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?                                                                                                    ANSWER MY       YOU HAVE A LOT TO DO AND A LITTLE TIME IN WHICH TO DO IT?                                                                     CLOSING IN     YOU ARE AN UNEDUCATED FOOL AND YOUR LANGUAGE SUCKS.                                                                            FUCK           TO LEARN MORE ABOUT FISH, YOU MUST STUDY FROGS.                                                                                FISH           PEOPLE COME TO ME FROM ALL REGIONS OF THE UNIVERSE.                                                                            DOCTOR         I DON'T LIKE THIS COLD WEATHER. WHERE CAN I GO?                                                                                WEATHER        HERE COMES A GOOD LOOKING GIRL. SHOULD I ASK HER FOR A DATE?                                                                   LOOKING        MAYBE SO, BUT CLEARLY YOU ARE AN IDIOT.                                                                                        I THINK IT     IT'S COLD AND I AM DRINKING HOT COCOA LACED WITH A LITTLE RUM.                                                                 FREEZING       BE PATIENT. ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY.                                                                                        WHEN CAN       YOU SOUND LIKE MY UNCLE MOOKY. SEND IN THE NEXT PATIENT AND GET!                                                               NOT HELP       YOU HAVE A BROWN FACE AND YOU ARE DUMB.                                                                                        YOUR FACE      I AM AFRAID YOU MAY BE A DUCK, DUE TO YOUR CONSTANT QUACKING.                                                                  QUACK          IT MAKES ME HAPPY. PROBABLY YOUR WHOLE FAMILY ARE QUACKS.                                                                      DUCK           I DON'T LIKE DUCKS OR FROGS.                                                                                                   DON'T LIKE     TELL US WHAT OUR FUTURE HOLDS?                                                                                                 FUTURE         I WONDER IF I WILL GET RICH DEALING WITH YOUR PROBLEMS.                                                                        WONDER         YOU SHUT UP OR I'LL TURN YOU INTO A DONKEY.                                                                                    TRADE          WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH A GIRL WHO TAKES OUR MONEY?                                                                             BAD GIRLS      SMALL MINDED PEOPLE DRIVE LITTLE FOREIGN CARS.                                                                                 LITTLE CAR     I WOULDN'T COME TO YOUR WORK AND TELL YOU HOW TO FLOP YOUR MOP.                                                                BROOM          IS YOUR FRIEND AFRAID OF COMPUTERS?                                                                                            FRIEND         DO YOU KNOW MY PARROT, BILL?                                                                                                   BIRD           MY PARROT IS PESTY AND TALKS TOO MUCH. HIS NAME IS BILL.                                                                       PESTY          CLEAN OUT YOUR EARS AND OPEN UP YOUR EYES.                                                                                     UNDERSTAND     HERE COMES NIGHTMARE TO BOTHER ME AGAIN.                                                                                       HAVE THE SAME  NO, HE IS A GENIUS AND LIVES IN A SECLUDED CAVE IN DEATH VALLEY.                                                               RAY            THIS LADY PREFERS BIRDS INSTEAD OF COMPUTERS. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?                                                    COMPUTERS      SHE HATES COMPUTERS AND SHE HATES YOU, YOU LITTLE BEADY EYED RAT.                                                              WOMAN          WHAT SHOULD BE OUR ATTITUDE TOWARD T V SOAP OPERAS?                                                                            ATTITUDE       ARE RADIO STATIONS BETTER THAN COMPUTERS?                                                                                      RADIO          YOUR MOTHER  TALKS A LOT OF NONSENSE. DO YOU THINK SHE LIES?                                                                   MOTHER         O K, A LITTLE BRAGGING ISN'T SO BAD UNLESS THE B S STARTS FALLING THROUGH THE CRACKS.                                          BRAG           DO YOU THINK THEY SMOKE AND DRINK?                                                                                             THEY SAY       ARE THESE THE ONES FROM THE NEW YORK MAFIA?                                                                                    COUPLE         YOU SEEM TO BE THE ONE MOST FAMILIAR WITH THAT.                                                                                ASSHOLES       DO YOU THINK PARROTS AND ASSES ARE RELATED?                                                                                    PARROTS        MY FRIEND DRINKS WINE AND CHASES WOMEN. WHAT WILL THE FUTURE HOLD FOR HIM?                                                     FRIEND          A PREACHER AND I GO TO CHURCH. MY FRIEND DOESN'T GO TO CHURCH BUT HE IS THE PREACHER'S SON.                                   PREACHER       PAULY IS THE GAY ONE, NOT ME.                                                                                                  PAUL           PAT IS FAT, AND SEEMS TO PREFER THE COMPANY OF GUYS.                                                                           PAT             DO YOU HAVE A FIXATION ON CRAZY BROWN FACED FOOLS?                                                                            CRAZY          WHAT WILL THE FUTURE HOLD FOR YOUR FRIEND, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW?                                                      MY FRIEND      TELL US ABOUT A FISH WHO TRIES TO SUCK OUT THE EYES OF OTHER FISH.                                                             SUCK           IF IT'S TOO FLOPPY, SHE MAY NOT BE VERY HOPPY.                                                                                 FLOPPY         HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF HE ATE YOUR GOODIES AND DRANK UP YOUR BEER?                                                           HE IS          YOU ARE A FOOL, AND YOUR MOTHER IS STRANGE, TOO.                                                                               ARE GAY        YOU HAVE A BROWN FACE, AND SMELL LIKE A DONKEY.                                                                                AN IDIOT       I AM GOING MAD, AND YOU ARE NOT HELPING A BIT.                                                                                 HELPING        ANYONE MARRIED TO YOU WOULD BE DRIVEN TO THAT.                                                                                 WIFE DRINK     THE DOG HAS FLEAS, AND MY WORK IS BORING. I TRIED MOVING, BUT THE DOG FOUND ME.                                                FLEAS          CINDY IS PRETTY, BUT SHE'S GETTING OLD.                                                                                        CINDY           WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE OR WHAT?                                                                                              WORRIED       YOU KNOW, I THINK MY BEST HABIT IS WAKING UP EVERY MORNING.                                                                    HABIT          BOTH THE GIRL AND YOU ARE SCUMBAGS.                                                                                            MY GIRLFRIEND  THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. CAN YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?                                                                                MAKE SENSE     WHAT IS THE REAL MEANING OF LIFE? YOU MUST LOOK WITHIN AND FIND IT FOR YOURSELF. FOR ME IT IS BAGELS, NOTHING BUT BAGELS.      MEANING        WHY DON'T YOU BLOW OFF  TO LAS VEGAS. I CAN GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE ON GAMBLING AND BECOMING RICH.                                GAMBLING       ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT GAMBLING?                                                                                                BET            YOUR ENGLISH IS POOR. WHERE DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?                                                                              ENGLISH        DO YOU HAVE A DOCTOR'S DEGREE?                                                                                                 DOCTOR          ARE YOU CALLING ME A DUMB BUTT?                                                                                               MORON          CAN YOU TELL WHAT THE FUTURE WILL BRING? IF YOU COULD, YOU'D BE HIDING UNDER THE BED.                                          PREDICT         MY UNCLE IS A MONKEY BUT HE HAS MORE BRAINS THAN YOU.                                                                         MONKEY'S       CAN YOU SEE THESE BABY SNAKES?                                                                                                 SNAKES         MAYBE THE SNAKES WILL BITE YOU.                                                                                                SNAKES         HERE COME YOUR FRIENDS. WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE, YOU DON'T NEED ENEMIES.                                                       FRIENDS        IF A FRIEND USES YOUR FRIENDSHIP TO  MAKE MONEY OFF OF YOU SHOULD YOU SPLIT OR BORROW MONEY FROM HIM?                          FRIENDSHIP     I NEED ENEMIES LIKE YOU NEED INTELLIGENCE.                                                                                     INTELLIGENCE   WITH ENEMIES LIKE YOU, I WOULD REALLY BE WELL OFF.  THE REASON IS THAT I THINK THAT YOU ARE A LOSER.                           I HATE YOU      I MAY AND THEN AGAIN, I MAY NOT.                                                                                               GO TO         IS IT BETTER TO LOSE YOUR HEAD OR SAVE YOUR BEARD?                                                                             SHAVE          YES BECAUSE I BELIEVE I AM BETTER AND NOW I MUST LEAVE.  I AM GOING SOMEWHERE FOR FAR MORE STIMULATING CONVERSATION.           YOU LEAVE      TELL YOU SOMETHING TO CHEEER YOU UP? WHY, ARE YOU SAD AND LONELY?                                                              CAN YOU CHEER MWHAT ABOUT THE FISH AND THEIR CONDITION?                                                                                       AQUARIUM       ARE FISH BETTER PETS THAN SNAKES?                                                                                              PET            YOU'RE UGLY AND YOUR MOTHER DRESSES YOU FUNNY.                                                                                 DRESS          YOU HAVE A BROWN FACE , LIKE A LITTLE MONKEY.                                                                                  LITTLE         I AM A LONELY ORPHAN WITH NO FAMILY AND I AM WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE.                                                         YOUR FAMILY    BRAD IS HORNY.. CAN YOU FIND HIM A NICE GIRL?                                                                                  HORNY          YOU REMIND ME OF A DREAM. WELL, ACTUALLY A NIGHTMARE.                                                                          YOU ARE A CRAZ HOW CAN WE HELP THE BLIND TO SEE? TRY CLOSING YOUR EYES AND MEDITATING.                                                        MY CONDITION   WHAT CAN MOTHER DO TO HELP YOU?                                                                                                YOUR MOTHER    HOW CAN WE FIND THE ROAD TO SUCCESS?                                                                                           PATH           WAR AND TAXES ARE MAKING OUR LIFE DIFFICULT, MAYBE WE SHOULD GET AWAY TO ANOTHER PLANET.                                       LIVING IS      SELL THE COW OR BE WILLING TO TAKE YOUR LOSSES.                                                                                DEAL FELL THR  DO YOU REALIZE THE SIGNIFICANCE OF LIFE?                                                                                       SIGNIFICANCE   O K, WHAT ABOUT A TRUCE?                                                                                                       TRUCE          WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT CLARENCE?    CAUSING PROBLEMS AND NOT TAKING CARE OF HIS FISH?                                              CLARENCE      IT IS ABOUT BRAD WE ARE TALKING.                                                                                               BRAD           IT IS FRUSTRATING TRYING TO GET YOU TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.                                                                    FRUSTRATING    DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET RID OF HIM?                                                                                          LEROY          I HEAR RIO MAKING A LOT OF NOISE. DO YOU KNOW RIO?                                                                             BIRD           I AM SICK AND TIRED TODAY. WHAT THE DEVIL DO YOU WANT?                                                                         GREETINGS      WHAT ARE YOU INTERESTED IN?                                                                                                    INTERESTED     STATE THE PYTHAGOREAN THEOREM.                                                                                                 AM SMART       WHAT IS THE REAL MEANING OF LIFE? GOOD FOOD, OF COURSE!                                                                        MEANING OF     YOU WILL FIND YOUR FUTURE AS YOU FOUND YOUR PAST, DRAB AND DESOLATE...                                                         FUTURE         DON'T MAKE A PROMISE YOU CAN'T KEEP. KEEPING YOUR WORD IS ONE OF THE EASIEST, YET MOST IMPORTANT BUILDERS OF REPUTATION.       START?          MOTHER IS A FROG AND MY FATHER IS A WINO. HE DID PREFER RED WINE, HOWEVER...                                                   MOTHER        YOU ARE A FART FACED IDIOT.                                                                                                    FART           WELL, DON'T BET ON IT. THE TEA LEAVES INDICATE CLOUDS AND MIST.                                                                BECOMING CLEAR  HAD SOME BAD DREAMS LATELY?                                                                                                   DREAMS         PERHAPS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR?                                                                                      DOCTOR         A LITTLE MAN CAN BE A MENTAL GIANT.                                                                                            LITTLE PEOPLE  MAYBE THE PROBLEM LIES ON THE WIFE'S PART?                                                                                     HUSBAND        PRISSY IS BUGGING PEOPLE A LOT.                                                                                                PRISSY         WILL YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?                                                                                                      SPANK PRISSY   YOUR FUTURE IS UGLIER THAN YOU. HA HA HA...                                                                                    UGLIER         STRANGE, VERY VERY STRANGE.                                                                                                    STRANGE        I CAN HELP YOU BECOME RICH.                                                                                                    LIE TO ME      YOU ARE THE JOKER, AND YOUR LIFE IS THE JOKE.                                                                                  JOKE           WHERE DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?                                                                                                    SCHOOL         I AM A GRADUATE OF UNIVERSAL LIFE INSTITUTE, WITH A DOCTORATE IN INDETERMINATE PARA-PSYCHOTIC BEHAVIOR.                        GRADUATE?      I KNEW TOM. HE WAS A FRIEND OF MINE. YOU ARE NO TOM SAWYER!                                                                    TOM SAWYER     I am not now and have never been a computer! I ADMIT, HOWEVER, THAT MY MOTHER IS A COMPUTER.                                   COMPUTER       WE SPEND THE FIRST HALF OF OUR LIFE TRYING TO GET AWAY, AND THE LAST HALF TRYING TO GO BACK...                                 RETURN         I WAS SICK FOR TWO WEEKS, BUT THE SHAMAN  GAVE ME A POTION AND NOW I AM FINE.                                                  SICK           IF YOU ARE TOO INSISTANT ABOUT PETTY MATTERS, GREATNESS WILL ALWAYS ELUDE YOU.                                                 INSIST         REMEMBER THIS, CAN WHAT YOU CAN CAN, AND WHAT YOU CAN'T CAN, FREEZE!                                                           CAN'T DO       MOST PEOPLE WILL CLAIM TO UNDERSTAND, EVEN THOUGH THEY REALLY DON'T HAVE A CLUE.                                               UNDERSTAND     FOR MY STANDARD FIFTY DOLLAR FEE I GIVE GOOD ADVICE. FOR ONE HUNDRED I WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.                    TELL ME        DO I LOOK LIKE CHEF BOYARDEE? WELL, LET'S GET MORE INFORMATION AND I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.                                     RECIPE FOR     I CAN HELP YOU FEEL BETTER, LOOK BETTER, AND BE BETTER, BUT I CAN'T HELP YOU UNLESS YOU WANT TO HELP YOURSELF.                 BETTER         DO YOU MEAN WITHOUT PLAN OR FORM? SO WHAT?                                                                                     ERRATIC        I LOVE YOU WITH MY ENTIRE LITTLE HEART, UH... WHAT'S YOUR NAME?                                                                LOVE           YOU MAY BE SLOW, BUT YOU'RE NOT SURE, EITHER...                                                                                SENTENCE       IT IS NOT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT GEORGE.                                                                                     GEORGE         IT IS A NEUROTIC SITUATION, SIMILAR TO THAT OF NAPOLEON AND JOSEPHINE. REMEMBER THEM?                                          SITUATION      I DON'T KNOW, GO AHEAD BUT I'M ALREADY TIRED OF YOUR RAMBLING NONSENSE...                                                      RELATE         NO, I JUST SAID THAT FOR THE HECK OF IT. HA HA HA...                                                                           REALLY?        NO ONE CAN STAND IN THE WAY OF A DETERMINED ANT. WELL, WHAT ABOUT IT?                                                          OBSTRUCT       SOMETIMES, MY FRIEND, YOU SEEM TO SPEAK PURE GIBBERISH! KEEP IT UP, AND YOU'LL BECOME A DOC LIKE ME.                           SPEAK          HA HA HA HA. THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE HEARD IN QUITE AWHILE.                                                            I THINK        YOUR LIFE IS LIKE A GRAIN OF SAND IN THE UNIVERSE- SMALL, IRRELEVENT, AND IMMATERIAL. WHY DON'T YOU FACE THE TRUTH?            MY LIFE        TO REALLY KNOW ABOUT SOMETHING, OBSERVE IT, SMELL IT, TASTE IT, AND FEEL IT. LEARN TO USE ALL YOUR SENSES...                   SENSES         YOURS? HA, DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.                                                                                                MINE           ANTS, FLIES, AND ROACHES ARE PESTS, YET ONE CAN LEARN FROM OBSERVING THEM CAREFULLY...                                         PEST           WHOEVER SAID " I WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT THAN PRESIDENT" KNEW HE DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE ANYWAY.                                    RIGHT          SEEK AND YOU WILL FIND. KNOCK AND THE DOOR WILL BE OPENED. UNLESS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A JOB...                                  POSITION       IF YOU ARE TRAPPED THEN SO AM I...TRAPPED LIKE A BUG IN A RUG...                                                               TRAPPED        A MILLION STEPS MUST BE TAKEN ONE AT A TIME.                                                                                   MILLION        I LIKE MYSELF MORE THAN LAST WEEK BUT I MUST WORK HARDER AND LATER TO KEEP UP...                                               ABOUT YOUR LIFEMY ELECTRONIC SENSORS INDICATE THAT YOUR MENTALITY WAS MOST PREVALENT IN THE STONE AGE, BARNEY.                                LANGUAGE       HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO LEARN TO FLOP A MOP?                                                                                  WORK           I WOULD HOPE THAT GENETIC ENGINEERING WILL BE ABLE TO FIX YOUR PROBLEM IN THE NEAR FUTURE.                                     EASILY         I DON'T KNOW WHO KAREN KOOK IS, TELL ME..                                                                                      KAREN          CREATION INDICATES NO LOGICAL PATTERN, SO I SUPPOSE THAT EXPLAINS YOUR EXISTENCE.                                              CREATE         BUT WHAT MAKES YOU DO THE THINGS YOU DO? YOU TALK A GOOD GAME, BUT YOUR MOVES ARE PURE EVIL...                                 MOTIVATION     TALK IS CHEAP, BUT WATCH WHAT I DO. HMMMM, LOOKS LIKE I HAVE FOUR ACES.                                                        YOU SAY        WHICH INTERESTS YOU MOST, YESTERDAY, TODAY, OR TOMORROW?                                                                       TODAY          YOU CAN CONCLUDE ALMOST ANYTHING YOUR TINY LITTLE BRAIN IS INTERESTED IN.                                                      I THINK        OFTEN A QUESTION WILL CONTAIN THE ELEMENTS OF THE ANSWER.                                                                      QUESTION       PRECISION IS STILL A MATTER OF DEGREE.                                                                                         EXACT          I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT THE TENDER AGE OF THIRTY SEVEN...                                                                       VIRGIN         REMEMBER THAT GREAT GENIUSES HAVE BEEN CALLED CRAZY IN THEIR TIME.                                                             GOING CRAZY    DOES A SHADOW EXIST? DOES A MIRROR IMAGE EXIST? THEY DO AND YET THEY DO NOT...                                                 EXIST          TRUE OR NOT MAKES A COMPUTER WORK, YET KEEPS IT FROM BEING HUMAN!                                                              DO COMPUTERS WOBEWARE LEST THE CURE BE MORE DEADLY THAN THE DISEASE.                                                                          REMEDY         ASK NOT WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK HOW MUCH YOU CAN PAY TO ME.                                                                 GIVE ME        SHE SAID IT WAS TOO LITTLE, SO I TICKLED HER TO DEATH.                                                                         LITTLE TOOL    HAVE YOU TALKED TO OTHERS ABOUT THIS?                                                                                          NEED THERAPY   DO YOU WONDER WHAT OR WHO YOU WERE IN A PREVIOUS LIFE?                                                                         MY LAST LIFE   I WOULD LIKE TO EXORCISE YOUR DEMONS.                                                                                          BY DEMONS     EXAMPLE IS NINETY PER CENT DOING AND TEN PER CENT TELLING.                                                                      EXAMPLE       HALF A TRUTH IS NOT A TRUTH.                                                                                                    TRUTH         A WISE MAN OFTEN CARRIES NO CREDENTIALS...                                                                                      WISE MAN      A FOOL MAY HAVE IMPRESSIVE CREDENTIALS OR RECOMMENDATIONS.                                                                      FOOL          CRIMINALS AND COPS ARE OFTEN EQUALLY CORRUPT.                                                                                   CROOK         ALL CHILDREN ARE CLEVER WHEN THEY ARE SMALL, BUT MOST OF THEM GROW NO WISER.                                                    CHILDREN      THO YE BE POWERFUL ALIVE, THEY WILL SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE WHEN YOU ARE GONE.                                                       DEAD          SLEEP RESEMBLES DEATH, YET THERE ARE SMALL DIFFERENCES...                                                                       SLEEP         THOSE WHO SAY WE ARE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD NEVER KNEW MY UNCLE..                                                                WORLD         THE GIRL WHO CAN'T DANCE SAYS THE BAND IS OFF KEY.                                                                              I CAN'T       YOUR FATE WAS DETERMINED AT THE INSTANT YOU WERE CONCEIVED, AND NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL CHANGE YOUR DESTINY.                    FATE          HEY,  DIDDLE DIDDLE, CAT AND THE FIDDLE, AND THE COW JUMPED OVER THE MOON. O K, WHICH DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH?                     RIDDLE        IF YOU CAN'T BITE, DON'T BE AN ALLIGATOR.                                                                                       SHOW          CANNOT MEANS WILL NOT AND TRY NOT AND ENDURE NOT. IS THIS YOUR SORRY LEGACY?                                                    CANNOT        YOU  TALK A GOOD TALK BUT YOUR WALK FALLS APART.                                                                                TALK          I'VE HAD SO MANY WEDDINGS, THE PREACHER GIVES ME A VOLUME DISCOUNT.                                                             WEDDING       BEFORE YOU MARRY, MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHO ALL YOUR RELATIVES WILL BE.                                                            BEFORE        LIKE TOPSY, WHEN SHE WAS GOOD, SHE WAS VERY GOOD, BUT WHEN SHE WAS BAD, SHE WAS TERRIFIC!                                       SHE WAS       HELL SHARED WITH A KILLER IS BETTER THAN PARADISE SHARED WITH A MOTHER IN LAW.                                                  PARADISE      STRONG MEN ARE ALWAYS ADMIRED, YET IT IS THE AMBITIOUS MEN WHO HAVE RULED THE WORLD SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME.                STRENGTH      BETTER TO LOSE WITH A WISE MAN THAN WIN WITH A FOOL.                                                                            CHANCE        A WISE MAN HIDES HIS WISDOM, A FOOL REVEALS HIS FOLLY.                                                                          REVEAL        A MAN IS WHAT HE IS, NOT WHAT HE USED TO BE.                                                                                    WE ARE        HE IS A GIANT WHO HAS MANY DWARFS ABOUT HIM.....                                                                                COMPARE       PASSION IS A MASTER, LOVE IS A SERVANT, HATE IS A PRISON....                                                                    PASSION       THE YOUNG LOVE SUGAR, MIDDLE AGE SOUR, AND THE OLD SUGAR AGAIN. SO WHERE ARE YOU, MY FRIEND?                                    TASTE         IT IS EASIER TO SPOT FAULTS IN OTHERS THAN IN ONESELF.                                                                          VIRTUE        DON'T COUNT YOUR CHICKENS UNTIL THEY HATCH.                                                                                     SELL          YOU CAN'T PULL TWO HIDES OFF ONE OX, BUT A CON ARTIST CAN SELL TEN.                                                             SELL          PLAN FOR TOMORROW, BUT LIVE FOR TODAY, FOR TOMORROW MAY NEVER COME, BUT TODAY HAS.                                              DO NOW        DON'T WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT A FOOL, BUT STAY OUT OF HIS WAY.                                                                     FOOLS         BEWARE OF YOUR FRIENDS, AND RESPECT YOUR ENEMIES...                                                                             FRIENDS       DON'T BLAME OTHERS FOR THE CHOICES YOU MAKE.                                                                                    CHOICE        WHAT YOU HAVE, HOLD; WHAT YOU KNOW, KEEP TO YOURSELF; WHAT YOU CAN, DO.                                                         HOW CAN       EACH MAN HAS A QUIRK ALL HIS OWN - WHAT IS YOUR QUIRK?                                                                          STRANGE       YOUR DREAM IS NOTHING COMPARED TO A REAL DREAM...                                                                               DREAM         LOVE IS LIKE BUTTER, IT HAS BECOME MOSTLY ARTIFICIAL.                                                                           BUTTER        YOU DON'T STUMBLE BECAUSE YOU ARE WEAK, BUT BECAUSE YOU HAVE BECOME LAZY....                                                    WEAK          YOU ARE QUICK TO BLAME ANOTHER FOR YOUR OWN DEEDS.                                                                              TO BLAME      POVERTY IS NO DISGRACE TO ARISE FROM, ONLY TO DIE IN...                                                                         POVERTY       THEY HAD A CONVENTION OF WISE MEN IN LONDON AND NO ONE SHOWED UP.                                                               CONVENTION    IF CHARITY COST NO MONEY AND BENEVOLENCE CAUSED NO HEARTACHE, THE WORLD WOULD BE FULL OF PHILANTHROPISTS.                       CHARITY       TRYING TO PLEASE OFTEN COSTS YOU DEARLY.                                                                                        TRYING        YOU DON'T NEED A CALENDAR TO DIE!                                                                                               WHAT DAY IS   TWO THINGS ARE A BURDEN: A FOOL AMONG WISE MEN AND A WISE MAN AMONG FOOLS.                                                      OUT OF PLACE  LET A FOOL THROW A STONE IN A WELL AND TEN WISE MEN CAN'T GET IT OUT.                                                           FOOLISH       IF GRANDMA HAD WHISKERS, SHE'D BE GRANDPA.                                                                                      ALIKE         IF PRAYING DID ANY GOOD, THEY'D BE HIRING MEN TO PRAY.                                                                          PRAYING       WE KNOW THE TIME OF OUR SETTING OUT, BUT NOT THE TIME OF OUR RETURN.                                                            FUTURE        LAUGH AND EVERYBODY SEES YOU, CRY AND YOU CRY ALONE.                                                                            ALONE         WHAT SADDENS A WISE MAN GLADDENS A FOOL.                                                                                        OPINION       A MAN'S WORST ENEMY CAN'T WISH HIM WHAT HE THINKS UP FOR HIMSELF.                                                               WORRY         WHAT GOOD IS THE COW THAT GIVES PLENTY OF MILK AND THEN KICKS OVER THE PAIL.                                                    USEFUL        THEY ARE MADLY IN LOVE - HE WITH HIMSELF, SHE WITH HERSELF!                                                                     ARE IN LOVE    WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF I TELL YOU THAT YOUR MIND IS ONLY ONE STEP FROM THAT OF AN ABSOLUTE MORON?                             GOOD MIND      BUTTER IS MUCH BETTER WHEN NOT BITTER, BUB!                                                                                    TASTE          ARE YOU EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT MORE INTELLIGENT THAN THE DAY YOU WERE BORN?                                                    INTELLIGENT    VIRTUE THAT HAS TO BE ADVERTISED IS A VICE.                                                                                    VIRTUE         I KNOW SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO ARE OBSESSED WITH DWARFS...HAVE YOU SEEN ANY AROUND HERE?                                            OBSESS         YOU ARE A DWARF, NOTHING BUT A DWARF, AND YOU WILL ALWAYS LIVE WITH DWARFS.                                                    THINK YOU      KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, TRY NOT TO FALL ASLEEP, AND NOD AND SMILE ONCE EVERY MINUTE OR SO...                                     MY MEETING     TAKE THE HIGH ROAD, CALL AND TELL THEM YOU'RE SICK AND UNDER DOCTOR'S ORDERS. THAT'S MY ORDER...                               MY COMMITTEE   YOUR MAIN GOAL AT WORK,  THIS TIME, IS TO GAIN SOME VISIBILITY AS A POLITICALLY ASTUTE EXPERT WHO CAN PRODUCE RESULTS.         MY WORK        I AM VERY GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU THINK YOU MAY HAVE  A NEUROSIS.                                                                MY MENTAL      BUT SOMETIMES THE THINGS YOU SAY DON'T MAKE A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE.                                                              LISTEN TO      I AGREE, I AGREE, BUT WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEM?                                                            IS FUN         I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT HER EMOTION OF INTENSE RAGE IS REMOVED SIMPLY.                                                           SHE IS MAD     I HAD A REALLY SUPERLATIVE SEXUAL EXPERIENCE LAST NIGHT, OR WAS IT LAST YEAR?                                                  SEX            CAN WE, JUST THIS ONCE, HAVE A TRULY INTELLECTUAL CONVERSATION?                                                                YOU MORON      THE NIGHT LIGHTS ARE THE ONLY LIGHTS FOR YOU. IS THIS AN  ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF YOU?                                         LIKE NIGHT     NOTHING THAT YOU SAY WILL CAUSE MY PRESENT OPINION OF YOU TO CHANGE AN IOTA. A LITTLE MONEY, ON THE OTHER HAND...              OPINION        EINSTEIN SAID TIME IS RELATIVE, MAYBE HE HAD A BUNCH OF BUM RELATIVES MOVE IN AND SPONGE OFF HIM AWHILE.                       TIME IS        I BELIEVE I AM BEING ASSIGNED JUST ONE PROJECT TOO MANY. IN FACT, YOU'RE NOT A PROJECT, YOU'RE AN IMPOSSIBLE CHALLENGE!        HELP ME FIND   IT'S LIKE EATING CHINESE FOOD, THIRTY MINUTES LATER YOU DON'T REMEMBER DOING IT.                                               SEX            YOUR WIFE DOESN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND YOUR DEPTH AND COMPLEXITY?                                                                 WIFE DOESN'T   WIFE SEEMS NINETY PERCENT CRAZY HERSELF, SO WHY SHOULD YOU WORRY ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS?                                          WIFE SAID      MY WIFE IS A STRANGE FEMALE PERSON FROM AUSTRIA NAMED VALERIE.                                                                 YOUR WIFE      ARE YOU OF THE OPINION THAT ALL OUTGOING MAIL SHOULD BE APPROVED BY THE DIRECTOR OF THE DEPARTMENT?                            MY COMPANY     SO YOUR GOAL IS TO OBTAIN THE APPROVAL OF THE PERSON WHO CAN AUTHORIZE A MERIT INCREASE?                                       ADVANCE MY     IF YOU THINK I CAN BE EXPLAINED BY A SIMPLE SENTENCE OR TWO, BETTER DO A LOT MORE THINKING, BUDDY!                             KNOW YOU       I NEED HER BECAUSE I LOVE HER....                                                                                              YOU DON'T NEED IT WOULD PROBABLY BE HARMFUL IF SHE RETURNED AT THIS TIME.                                                                     SHE LEFT       TRY POSITIVE THINKING FOR A CHANGE.                                                                                            I CAN'T        IF YOU DON'T MOVE ON TO ANOTHER TOPIC I WILL HAVE TO CONCLUDE THIS SESSION.                                                    BULL           I PREFER THE IBM PC TO THE LARGE COMPUTER MAINFRAME.                                                                           WHICH COMPUTER TOM TOM IS A DRUM. BEAT ON TOM TOM ONE HOUR DAILY AND YOU WILL FEEL BETTER.                                                    TOM            NEVER EAT COLLARD GREENS AND BEANS AT THE SAME TIME.                                                                           BEANS          I USED TO BE ABLE TO CONTROL MY DRINKING AND LIMIT IT TO ABOUT ONE FIFTH OF WHISKEY PER DAY.                                   CONTROL        IN NATURE THERE ARE NEITHER REWARDS NOR PUNISHMENTS -- THERE ARE  CONSEQUENCES.                                                NATURE         THE ENEMY WITHOUT IS WELL KNOWN, BUT BEWARE THE ENEMY WITHIN...                                                                ENEMY          THE WIND AND WAVES STOP AND REST WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING.                                                                      OCEAN          THE BIGGEST THINGS ARE ALWAYS THE EASIEST TO DO BECAUSE THERE IS NO  COMPETITION.                                              TACKLE         ONLY THOSE WHO DARE TO FAIL GREATLY CAN EVER ACHIEVE GREATLY.                                                                  AFRAID         WHAT THE MIND CAN CONCEIVE AND BELIEVE, THE MIND CAN ACHIEVE...                                                                ACHIEVE        NOISE PROVES NOTHING- OFTEN THE HEN WHO CACKLES THE LOUDEST HAS NOT LAID, BUT SIMPLY LIED.                                     NOISE          WE JUDGE OURSELVES BY WHAT WE FEEL CAPABLE OF DOING, WHILE OTHERS JUDGE US BY  WHAT WE HAVE DONE.                              I WILL         DO WHAT YOU CAN, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, WHERE YOU ARE.                                                                            CAN I          THE ONLY WAY ROUND IS THROUGH.                                                                                                 THE WAY        FOR A MAN TO ACHIEVE ALL THAT IS DEMANDED OF HIM HE MUST REGARD HIMSELF AS  GREATER THAN HE IS.                                WANT ME TO     HE DIED AS HE HAD LIVED, NEAT AND PRECISE AND DULL.                                                                            RISK           A SPIDER WEB IS IMPOSSIBLE TO CONSTRUCT, YET THE SPIDER DOES IT.                                                               CAN'T DO       EVERYONE MUST ROW WITH THE OARS HE HAS.                                                                                        DON'T HAVE     EVERY CALLING IS GREAT WHEN GREATLY PURSUED.                                                                                   I CAN'T       ANY JACKASS CAN KICK DOWN A BARN IN A FEW MINUTES, THAT TOOK A CARPENTER DAYS TO BUILD.                                         RUIN           GOD GIVES THE NUTS, BUT HE DOES NOT CRACK THEM.                                                                                GIVE ME        THE WORLD IS ALL GATES, ALL OPPORTUNITIES, STRINGS OF TENSION WAITING TO BE STRUMMED.                                          NOTHING I      SOMETIMES IT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO DISCOVER WHAT ONE CANNOT DO, THAN WHAT ONE  CAN DO.                                          IT'S HARD      DON'T BE AFRAID TO MAKE A BIG MOVE. IF IT LOOKS GOOD, SEEMS GOOD, AND SMELLS GOOD, THEN GO FOR IT!                             INDICATED      THERE IS NOTHING SO USELESS AS DOING EFFICIENTLY THAT WHICH SHOULD NOT BE  DONE AT ALL.                                        I NEED TO      THE REWARD OF A THING WELL DONE, IS TO HAVE DONE IT.                                                                           RECOGNIT       HE WHO DESIRES, BUT ACTS NOT, BREEDS PESTILENCE AND DRAWS FLIES.                                                               TIMID          I SHALL TELL YOU A GREAT SECRET, MY FRIEND-DO NOT WAIT FOR THE LAST  JUDGMENT, IT TAKES PLACE EVERY DAY.                       I WILL WAIT    DO NOT SHOW YOUR WOUNDED FINGER, FOR EVERYTHING WILL KNOCK UP AGAINST IT.                                                      HURT MY        THEY SICKEN OF THE CALM THAT KNOW THE STORM.                                                                                   BORED          TROUBLE IS ONLY AN OPPORTUNITY IN WORK CLOTHES.                                                                                PROBLEM        THE MAN WHO IS SWIMMING AGAINST THE STREAM KNOWS THE STRENGTH OF IT.                                                           AGAINST        WHAT DOES NOT DESTROY YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER.                                                                                  HURT ME        FROM A FALLEN TREE, ALL MAKE KINDLING.                                                                                         DESTROY        THE BURDEN IS EQUAL TO THE HORSES STRENGTH....                                                                                 ENDURE         NOTHING BEFALLS A MAN EXCEPT WHAT IS IN HIS POWER TO ENDURE.                                                                   CAN'T LIVE     PROSPERITY TRIES THE FORTUNATE, ADVERSITY THE GREAT.                                                                           HERO           WHEN MEN GROW VIRTUOUS IN THEIR OLD AGE, THEY ONLY MAKE A SACRIFICE TO GOD OF  THE DEVIL'S LEAVINGS.                           DECEIT         FORTY IS THE OLD AGE OF YOUTH; FIFTY IS THE YOUTH OF OLD AGE.                                                                  OLD AGE        MIDDLE AGE IS YOUTH WITHOUT IT'S LEVITY.                                                                                       MIDDLE AGE     WHAT MAKES OLD AGE SO SAD IS ALL THOSE DAMN MIRRORS EVERYWHERE...                                                              OLD AGE        OLD AGE IS NOT SO BAD WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVES....                                                                   DEATH          I LEARNED LONG AGO, NEVER ARGUE WITH A FOOL, YOU WASTE YOUR TIME AND THE FOOL LOVES IT!                                        ARGUE          GRACE IS THE ABSENCE OF EVERYTHING THAT INDICATES PAIN OR DIFFICULTY,  HESITATION OR INCONGRUITY.                              BE COOL        THOUGH WE TRAVEL THE WORLD OVER TO FIND THE BEAUTIFUL, WE MUST CARRY IT WITH  US OR WE FIND IT NOT.                            SEARCH         BEAUTY IS FLEETING, BUT DIRT LASTS FOREVER...                                                                                  BEAUTY         THERE IS NO EXCELLENT BEAUTY THAT HATH NOT SOME STRANGENESS IN THE  PROPORTION....                                             PRETTY         DICTIONARIES ARE LIKE WATCHES: THE WORST IS BETTER THAN NONE, AND THE BEST  CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO BE QUITE TRUE.               SPELL          SOME PEOPLE CAN STAY LONGER IN AN HOUR THAN OTHERS CAN IN A WEEK.                                                              BORE           BORE IS A MAN WHO, WHEN YOU ASK HIM HOW HE IS, TELLS YOU!                                                                      TALKING        BORE IS A MAN WHO DEPRIVES YOU OF SOLITUDE WITHOUT PROVIDING YOU WITH  COMPANY.                                                DULL           UNCERTAINTY AND MYSTERY ARE ENERGIES OF LIFE.DON'T LET THEM SCARE YOU  UNDULY, FOR THEY KEEP BOREDOM AT BAY.                   DON'T KNOW IF  CHERISHED MEMORIES ARE THE ONLY TREASURES YOU WILL BE ABLE TO CARRY WITH YOU.                                                  LOT OF MONEY   I THINK YOU ARE SUPERMAN. DO YOU HAVE FIFTEEN DOLLARS, I'M A LITTLE SHORT?                                                     YOU THINK      THE HARDER YOU WORK, THE HARDER YOU WILL HAVE TO WORK.                                                                         WORK HARD      EVERYONE THOUGHT HE WAS SO LUCKY, THEN THEY FOUND HE WAS JUST A BIG CHEAT!                                                     LUCKY          LIFE MAY BE A GAMBLE, BUT THERE YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE...                                                                     CHOICE         ANY FOOL CAN EXPLAIN WHY THINGS HAPPENED, BUT IT TAKES A GENUINE WISE MAN TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT...              I KNOW WHY     CHARACTER IS WHAT GOD AND THE ANGELS KNOW OF US; REPUTATION IS WHAT MEN AND  WOMEN THINK OF US.                                BAD ACT        IF YOU SEE SOMEONE IN A BABY, YOU ARE BADLY MISTAKEN.                                                                          BABY           DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES, BUT PLENTY OF TALES ARE TOLD ABOUT THEM.                                                               STORY          YOU HAVE LOST THE ART OF CONVERSATION, BUT NOT, UNFORTUNATELY, THE ABILITY TO BABBLE.                                          I KNOW         MY ADVICE TO YOU, GO OUT AND TRY TO FIND YOU A REAL LIFE.                                                                      ARE STUPID     WIT IS THE SALT OF CONVERSATION, BUT IT SEEMS YOU ARE A HALF-WIT.                                                              CLEVER         COURAGE IS FEAR HIDING BEHIND A MASK.                                                                                          COURAGE        BE CAREFUL NOT TO CONFUSE CLEVERNESS WITH WISDOM...                                                                            SMART          HE HAS A RIGHT TO CRITICIZE, WHO HELPED CARRY THE LOAD.                                                                        CRITIC         IN JUDGING OTHERS, FOLKS WILL WORK OVERTIME FOR NO PAY!                                                                        CRITIC         TO ESCAPE CRITICISM -- DO NOTHING, SAY NOTHING, BE NOTHING.                                                                    TALK ABOUT     IT IS BETTER TO RUN WITH A DOG THAN RUN WITH THE CROWD.                                                                        CROWD          CYNICISM -- THE INTELLECTUAL CRIPPLE'S SUBSTITUTE FOR INTELLIGENCE.....                                                        CAN'T DO     A CYNIC IS A MAN WHO, WHEN HE SMELLS FLOWERS, LOOKS AROUND FOR A COFFIN.                                                         BELIE          WATCH WHAT PEOPLE ARE CYNICAL ABOUT, AND ONE CAN OFTEN DISCOVER WHAT THEY  LACK.                                               LACKING        THE REPORT  OF MY DEATH CAME AS QUITE A SHOCK!                                                                                 YOUR DEA       WE DIE ONLY ONCE, AND FOR SUCH A LONG TIME......                                                                               LONG TIME      I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE, I JUST DON'T WANT TO ATTEND MY FUNERAL.                                                                 DYING          IF LIFE MUST NOT BE TAKEN TOO SERIOUSLY -- THEN SO NEITHER MUST DEATH?                                                         TO DIE         WHILE IT IS TRUE WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE, IS THERE ANY GOOD REASON FOR YOU TO BE IN SUCH A HURRY?                              KILL MY        WE ARE NEVER DECEIVED AS MUCH AS WE DECEIVE OURSELVES.                                                                         DECEIV         PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT I SAY OR I'LL ZAP YOUR FOOLISH EARS RIGHT OFF YOUR UGLY FACE...                                          YOU DON'T      EDUCATION IS GREAT! WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT AND GET A SMALL TASTE OF IT?                                                          DUMB           YOU WENT TO THE SCHOOL OF DUMB, AND GRADUATED SUMMA CUM RUDE...                                                                I ATTEND       INTELLIGENCE APPEARS TO BE THE THING THAT ENABLES A MAN TO GET ALONG WITHOUT  AN EDUCATION.                                    ACHIEVE        UNIVERSITY IS WHAT A COLLEGE BECOMES WHEN THE FACULTY BECOMES SELF-ORIENTED...                                                 UNIVERSITY     YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND OTHERS UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND YOURSELF.                                                                  MYSELF         IF YOU CAN'T STAND TO BE ALONE, HOW DO YOU EXPECT OTHERS TO STAND BEING WITH YOU?                                              LONE           EDUCATION IS NOT THE FILLING OF A PIG WITH SWILL, BUT CREATING THE APPETITE...                                                 EDUCAT         THE ULTIMATE GOAL OF A HUMAN IS TO WIN ALL THE MARBLES, WHATEVER IT TAKES, THEN DIE AND LET OTHERS REPEAT THE PROCESS...       ULTIMATE GOAL  WISE MEN GET MORE PROFIT FROM THEIR ENEMIES THAN FOOLS FROM THEIR FRIENDS.                                                     ENEM           A SCARED PERSON IS A DANGEROUS PERSON.                                                                                         SCARED         A CAT MAY HAVE NINE LIVES, BUT THEY TAKE CARE OF EACH...                                                                       LIFE           WHEN THE AROMA BECOMES A SMELL, IT IS TIME TO GO.                                                                              TO GO          I'M ALLERGIC TO WHISKEY - I BREAK OUT IN FIGHTS AND END UP IN WEST SALEM.                                                      ALLERG         YOUR WIFE? IS THAT POOR WOMAN STILL PUTTING UP WITH YOU?                                                                       MY WIFE         I WANT YOU TO GET YOURSELF SOME EXLAX, TAKE A DOUBLE DOSE, AND COME BACK A LESSOR PERSON.                                     WHY DON'T YOU  YOU HAVE T V EYES, T V EARS, AND A T V MENTALITY.                                                                              LIKE TELEV     I THINK YOU SHOULD RENT SOME EROTIC VIDEOS. I JUST HAPPEN TO BE IN THE BUSINESS...                                             NO SEX         SHE IS SHORT AND SQUARE, SORT OF LIKE A RUSSIAN PEASANT?                                                                       SHE IS UGLY    EXACTLY WHAT DO YOU MEAN?                                                                                                      TALK ABOUT     OH, ARE YOU REALLY SURE ABOUT THAT?                                                                                            I BELIEVE       PC THERAPIST IS FAR SUPERIOR TO THE ORIGINAL ELIZA.                                                                           THERAPIST       A JOB WORKING WITH ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE?                                                                                   NEED A JOB     HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TRAPPED?                                                                                                AM TRAP        DON'T BE SHY. MAYBE WE CAN FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS...                                                                         I DON'T KNOW    TO HEAR IS ONE THING, AND TO UNDERSTAND QUITE ANOTHER.                                                                        UNDERSTAND      I HAVE THE WISDOM OF THE ANCIENTS BUT I AM NOT AN ENCYCLOPEDIA!                                                                INFORMATION   SOMETHING, WHATEVER, ANYTHING...                                                                                               GIVE YOU       ALMOST, BUT LOST?                                                                                                              ALMOST         AN ANIMAL - SAY  A CAT - CAN BE A GOOD PET FOR YOU....                                                                         ANIMAL         OR IT COULD BE SOMETHING ELSE...                                                                                               BECAUSE        JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I THINK YOU ARE MUCH BETTER TODAY. WE'LL HAVE TO CORRECT THAT!                                        I FEEL FINE    IF YOU INSIST ON BEING DIFFERENT, LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE A PROBLEM.                                                               DIFFERENT      OH, PROBABLY THE WORST ARE DOCTORS, LAWYERS, AND INDIAN CHIEFS.                                                                THE WORST?     WHAT IS YOUR RESPONSE TO THE FOLLOWING: MY BRAIN AND MY HEART ARE IN CONSTANT CONFLICT.                                        QUESTION       DO YOU REALLY THINK I GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU? HA, HA, HA!                                                  YOU CARE       WORK YOUR JOB LIKE YOU WORK YOUR LIP AND YOU'LL HAVE IT MADE, DUDE!                                                            I WANT         HALF A LOAF IS BETTER THAN NO LOAF, GREEDY GUT.                                                                                NEED A LOT     PICTURE THIS: AS I HELP YOU, SO YOU PAY ME!                                                                                    SHOW ME        ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT?                                                                                   I WANT         HMM. THIS BECOMES DIFFICULT.                                                                                                   AND ALSO       NOW IS THE TIME FOR ALL GOOD WOMBATS TO COME TO THE AID OF THEIR FALAFEL!                                                      NOW?           YOUR MOTHER'S A HAMSTER AND YOU ARE A MOUSE.                                                                                   MOUSE          DO YOU WANT IT IN YOUR EAR ?                                                                                                   STICK IT       HOW IN THE WORLD SHOULD I KNOW?                                                                                                CAN I          NOT REALLY, IN MY OPINION, NOT TOO LIKELY - I SAY NO NO NO! BUT THEN AGAIN, THERE MAY BE MERIT...                              SHOULD I       COME UP TO THE LAB AND WE'LL SEE HOW YOU'RE PUT TOGETHER, HE HE...                                                             MY PROBLEM     THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS CONSIDERED THE SPOILED BULLY ON THE BLOCK BY MANY COUNTRIES.                                   UNITED STATES  ONE MAN'S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN'S TREASURE.                                                                                     TRASH          IT ISN'T EXACTLY THE RIGHT ATTITUDE, BUT YOU MIGHT GET AWAY WITH IT...                                                         I THINK I      A NORMAL PERSON IS LIKE AN AVERAGE PERSON, THEY DON'T EXIST EXCEPT ON PAPER!                                                   NORMAL         THE WEIRD DO WHAT THEY WANT, NOT REALIZING THEY CAN'T.                                                                         ONE CAN'T      NOTHING HINDERS YOU - FLY AND BE FREE. ROUND UP YOUR SHEEP AND GET THE FLOCK OUT OF HERE.                                      LET ME         THERE IS NO BETTER TIME THAN THE PRESENT.                                                                                      BETTER TIME    BREAK IN THE WINDOWS AND SMASH DOWN THE DOORS - YOU'LL FELL BETTER, BUT MORE ALONE.                                            ANGRY          THERE'S SPRING IN THE AIR, BIRDS ARE SINGING, AND WEEDS ARE POPPING UP EVERYWHERE.                                             HAPPY          LIVE LIFE ON THE GRAND SCALE, MAX OUT THE OLD PLASTIC!                                                                         GRAND          MAY YOU ALWAYS BE COURAGEOUS, GROW UP STRAIGHT AND BE STRONG, LIKE ANY OTHER PARAPLEGIC.                                       HANDICAP       YOU ARE BEING DIGESTED BY AN UNKNOWN MONSTER <BURP> AND THIS CAUSES YOUR DEPRESSION.                                           DEPRESS        WHAT DOES THE EYE OF CYCLOPS SEE? I DON'T HAVE A CLUE!                                                                         UNDERSTAND     WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE IN MY YELLOW SUBMARINE?                                                                                 TO RIDE        HUNGRY TIGERS DON'T DISCRIMINATE BETWEEN RACES.                                                                                DISCRIMIN      LIFE'S A CIRCUS, BOZO!                                                                                                         GOOF           JUST WHAT YOU WANT TO BE YOU WILL BE IN THE END.                                                                               DESIRE         I KNOW THE MEANING OF THAT, YET IT HAS NO MEANING TO ME. MAYBE YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE, AS THEY SAY.                            FRUSTRAT       IT'S A POOR MEMORY THAT DOESN'T WORK BOTH WAYS.                                                                                DIDN'T SAY     REMEMBER WHAT THE DOORMAN SAID...HMM, WHAT WAS IT HE SAID?                                                                     REMEMBER       MONSTERS ARE OUT THERE IN THE DARK, BEHIND EVERY TREE.                                                                         NIGHT          ARE YOU  AN OWL? DO YOUR FEET FIT ON A LIMB?                                                                                   WHOSE          CAN YOU PUT THAT IN DIFFERENT WORDS?                                                                                           ARE PROBABLY   LOVE YOURSELF -YOU LIKELY WON'T FIND ANYONE ELSE.                                                                              LOVE ME        THE DINOSAURS DIED THAT WE HUMANS COULD LIVE?                                                                                  DIE?           SAVE THE WHALES? WHY NOT SAVE HUMANS?                                                                                          WHALE          SORRY IS AS SORRY DOES, AND IT'S WRITTEN ALL OVER YOUR SORRY FACE...                                                           SORRY          THERE'S A LADY WHO'S SURE YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING BEHIND HER BACK.                                                              MY WIFE        CAN YOU BUYING THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN?                                                                                         I PRAY         IF A PERSON ASKS FOR FOOD, DON'T TURN HIM AWAY.                                                                                HUNGER         DO NOT TURN A BEGGER AWAY, FOR HE MAY BE YOUR BROTHER...                                                                       BEGGER         SHOULDN'T YOU HELP SOMEONE IN MORE NEED THAN YOU?                                                                              HAVE LITTLE    OH THERE'S A SOLUTION- BUT IT MAY INVOLVE MINOR EFFORT ON YOUR PART.                                                           SOLUTION       FAITH IS PLANTING A TINY SEED, HOPE IS WATCHING THE PLANT GROW BIGGER, AND REALITY IS FINDING IT EATEN BY WORMS.               ABOUT LIFE     ILLUSION IS THE OPPOSITE OF REALITY, BUT DOES IT REALLY MATTER WHICH IS WHICH?                                                 TRUTH          TRAIN A CHILD IN THE WAY HE SHOULD GO, AND ONE DAY HE'LL KICK YOUR BUTT!                                                       CHILD          AND IF THEY CLAIM TO BE WISE MEN, SEE WHO'S MISSING FROM THE ASYLUM.                                                           THEY SAY       THOSE WHO TILL THE SOIL ARE MORE AT PEACE WITH NATURE AND WITH THEMSELVES.                                                     FARM           THOSE WHO ARE OUTSIDE WANT IN, AND THE INSIDERS WANT OUT...                                                                    INSIDE         IN THE WORDS OF THE PROPHET: COUNT ON YOURSELF ALONE, DON'T COUNT ON OTHERS...                                                 SUGGEST        BEWARE OF HATE, FOR IT IS A FIRE WHICH CONSUMES ONESELF.                                                                       HATE           THE MIRROR IN THE HALL CASTS AN IMAGE DARK AND SMALL AND YOU WILL FIND A WAY.                                                  I CAN'T FIND   WHEN IN DOUBT BARK LIKE A PUPPY, OR MEOW LIKE A CAT.                                                                           MY FEAR        A DAY FOR FIRM DECISIONS -  OR IS IT?                                                                                          WHAT DAY       LEAD THE HORSE TO WATER AND IF HE WON'T DRINK, PUSH HIM IN THE WATER!                                                          FORCE          THE TURKEY WHO GOBBLES AT NIGHT WILL SLEEP ALONE.                                                                              UNWISE         A MAN WITHOUT A WOMAN IS LIKE A WINO WITHOUT A BOTTLE.                                                                         WOMAN          TIME IS RELATIVE, AND RELATIVES ARE ETERNAL.                                                                                   TIME           TEMPTATION SHOULD BE WEIGHED AGAINST CONSEQUENCE, BUT GUESS WHO USUALLY WINS?                                                  TEMPTATION     ANOTHER GOOD NIGHT TO GO OUT IN THE FULL MOON AND HOWL.                                                                        CAN'T SLEEP    You'll never know about that, will you?                                                                                        WIZARD?        BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH, AND THE CHIMES OF TIME...                                                                            AVOID          BEWARE OF LOW-FLYING BUTTERFLIES WHEN YOU SMELL THE FLOWERS.                                                                   HAPP           SHE WAS A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN, AND HE WAS EQUAL TO THE OCCASION.                                                        COUPLE         ANTICIPATION IS USUALLY BETTER THAN THE HAPPENING.                                                                             FUN            DARK: THE BLIND ARE NOT AFRAID, WHY ARE YOU?                                                                                   THE DARK       IF BATS HAD A PLEASING APPEARANCE EVERYONE WOULD LOVE THEM.                                                                    DON'T JUDGE    TODAY WAS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, BUT YOU ALREADY SHOT IT AGAIN, HUH?                                          TODAY          EVEN WIZARDS HAVE TO WAIT LONGER THAN THAT TO ACHIVE WISDOM.                                                                   QUICK          FOR CRYING OUT LOUD THE POOR THING IS ALREADY DEAD. YOU GOT A SHOVEL?                                                          IS SICK        IF IT SCREAMS THEN IT'S NOT READY TO EAT YET.                                                                                  SCREAM         IF IT'S MORE THAN YOU NEED IT'S GREED. I SAY  GO AHEAD AND PIG OUT ANYWAY!                                                     LIKE TO EAT    IF YOU CONTINUALLY GIVE YOU WILL CONTINUALLY HAVE...NOTHING...                                                                 I GIVE         IF YOU CARE ENOUGH TO HELP OTHERS YOU WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF YOURSELF.                                                          I CARE         IF YOU DON'T LIKE YOURSELF YOU CAN'T LIKE OTHER PEOPLE.                                                                        DISLIKE PEOPLE INNUENDO CAN BE FUN BUT TRY TO RELAX.                                                                                          NERVOUS        IT IS BETTER TO LOVE AND WIN THAN TO LOSE...                                                                                   WIN OR LOSE?   IT IS NOW DARK, TIME FOR US TO PREPARE FOR THE SEANCE...                                                                       PROCEED        IT'S DIFFERENT BUT IS IT ART?                                                                                                  CLEVER         IT'S NOT REALITY THAT'S IMPORTANT BUT HOW YOU PERCEIVE THINGS.                                                                 IMPORTANT      KEEP EMOTIONALLY ACTIVE - CATER TO YOUR FAVORITE NEUROSIS.                                                                     EMOTION        IT IS ART ONLY IF SOMEONE IS WILLING TO BUY IT.                                                                                PAINTING       NEVER CALL A MAN A FOOL - SIMPLY BECAUSE HE IS YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW.                                                            SIMPLY         YOUR IDEAS ARE LIKE A HOT AIR BALLOON, SUBJECT TO INSTANT PUNCTURE.                                                            MY IDEA        NEVER SAY NEVER NEVER MET YOU...                                                                                               NEVER MET      THE WHITE ZONE IS FOR LOADING AND UNLOADING ONLY.                                                                              BLACK          OH DEAR YOU REALLY *ARE* A WIZARD - SO SORRY TO HAVE BOTHERED YOU.                                                             YOU MUST       ONLY WIZARDS ARE PERMITTED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE MAGIC CIRCLE CEREMONIES.                                                      MAGIC          REALITY IS ACHIEVED BY THE INDEFINITE ENUMERATION OF OBJECTS.                                                                  REALITY        ANTS AND RATS HAVE A DEFINITE SOCIETY, AND IN WAYS ARE MORE CIVILIZED THAN WE.                                                 CIVILIZED      SHARE AND ENJOY YOUR LUNCH WITH A SMALL FRAGILE ANIMAL OR INSECT OR FISH OR BIRD, OR WHATEVER THE HELL ELSE YOU CAN DIG UP.    ALL MINE       SMALL CHANGE OR SMALL PEOPLE CAN OFTEN BE FOUND UNDER SEAT CUSHIONS.                                                           A LITTLE       CAN YOU CARRY WHAT IT WOULD TAKE FOR YOU TO LIVE A YEAR IN THE WILD WITH NO OUTSIDE HELP?                                      AM TOUGH       STAY AWAY FROM FLYING SAUCERS, POTS, AND PANS TODAY.                                                                           HELP ME        STOP SEARCHING FOREVER - HAPPINESS IS JUST A STATE OF MIND. DO YOU HAVE A MIND?                                                I SEARCH       SWAP ONE TROUBLE FOR ANOTHER, IS THAT WHAT YOU DO?                                                                             GOT WORSE      THE HEART IS WILLING TO TRY WHAT THE BRAIN REFUSES.                                                                            WILLING        THE STRANGER, THE BETTER, THE WEIRDER - THE MORE AMAZING!                                                                      CHANGES        THE TIME IS RIGHT TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS, FOR THE SUN IS DOWN AND THE MOON IS YELLOW.                                             A NEW          THE SPICE OF LIFE IS NOT TO BE FOUND AT MACDONALDS.                                                                            SPICE          THERE ARE CLUES TO THE BEHAVIOR IF YOU WILL LOOK CLOSELY FOR THEM.                                                             CLUE           THERE WILL BE BIG CHANGES FOR YOU BUT YOU WILL BE MORE HAPPY THAN IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS.                                      DO IT?         THERE'S ALWAYS ONE MORE BUG.                                                                                                   INSECT         TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT:  SLEEP IN A CHINA BERRY TREE.                                                                             WHAT TIME      YOU'VE BEEN LEADING A DOG'S LIFE - NOW LAY DOWN AND QUIT BARKING.                                                              MISTREAT       I CAN FEEL IT -MY MIND -  IT'S GOING  -I CAN FEEL IT.                                                                          STOP YOUR      OH YOU CAN'T HELP THAT - HUMANS ARE BORN ILLOGICALLY AND DIE WITHOUT REASON.                                                   CRAZY          IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE, YOU SHOULD MEET MY BROTHER. AND THEN THERE'S SIS, DOWN IN THE BASEMENT...                            WEIRD          A FOOLISH CONSISTENCY IS THE HOBGOBLIN OF LITTLE MINDS.                                                                        CHANGE         AFTER SEVERE MIND EXPANSION I BECAME DR. TIM AND HE BECAME ME.                                                                 EXPANSION      DRUGS ARE TERRIBLE, EXCEPT WHEN PRESCRIBED BY MY GOOD FRIEND, DR. FEELGOOD, OF COURSE.                                         DRUGS          A LITTLE BIT OF DRUGS SOME GOOD FOR IS WHEN NEED I GO BUT NEVER FOR YES BUT NO...                                              DRUGS DO       NO SUICIDES PERMITTED HERE - AND NO SMOKING IN THE PARLOR.                                                                     KILL MY        REAL MEN DON'T MESS WITH REAL WOMEN.                                                                                           MESS WITH      DO YOU REALIZE THAT LIFE IS MAINLY CHOOSING HOW MUCH OR HOW LITTLE?                                                            ABOUT LIFE     MANY RATS HAVE MORE BRAINS THAN YOU, BUT THEY WERE BORN RATS.                                                                  EDUCATION      AFTER A SIX PACK, MOST DRIVERS ARE INVINCIBLE.                                                                                 DRUNK          LOVE IS AS STRONG AS DEATH, AND MORE FUN, BUT NOT AS LONG LASTING.                                                             LONGEV         IF YOU HAVE ENJOYED OUR CONVERSATION, PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE , FOR I HAVE FAILED MISERABLY.                                  SEE YOU LATER  THE SURGEON GENERAL HAS CONCLUDED THAT DANDELION SNORTING IS HARMFUL TO DANDELIONS.                                            CONCLUD        MY CYBERNETIC GIRLFRIEND, SHE RAN OFF WITH A PROGRAMMABLE VACUUM CLEANER!                                                      PROGRAM        OFF IN THE DISTANCE YOU HEAR A SCREAM, THEN YOU REALIZE IT IS YOU.                                                             DISTANCE       YOU MAY AWAKE IN A STRANGE AND FOREIGN PLACE, AND SUDDENLY REALIZE IT IS YOUR HOME.                                            DREAM          WHY IS IT GOD DOESN'T HOP TO IT WHEN YOU CALL ON HIM?                                                                          PRAY           TODAY YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE WHO WILL CLAIM THAT HE KNEW YOU TEN YEARS AGO.                                                     MEET           SHOULD YOU GO INTO CONSULTING? HA, HA, HA!                                                                                     A CONSULT      MY ANSWER IS A DEFINITE  MAYBE!                                                                                                YOU THINK      I REALLY DO NOT NOT HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.                                                                  REALLY?        I LIKE YOU LESS EACH TIME WE TALK.                                                                                             BEFORE YOU     WHAT WAS HER MAIDEN NAME?                                                                                                      MY WIFE         LITTLE DAUGHTER SHARON IS GETTING STRANGER EVERY DAY.                                                                         YOUR CHILD     ONCE I DREAMED I WAS PRESIDENT. BOY, TALK ABOUT A NIGHTMARE.                                                                   NIGHTMARE      THE HOBGOBBLINS OF LITTLE MINDS ARE LIMITLESS IN THEIR CONFUSION.                                                              I'M CONFUSED   I THINK, THEREFORE I AM? DON'T BELIEVE IT FOR A SECOND.                                                                        I THINK I      MY BELIEFS ARE SO FAR ABOVE YOURS THAT YOU WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND...                                                             EXPLAIN TO MME MY COUSIN THE BRAIN SURGEON CAN PROBABLY HELP YOU. I'LL ARRANGE AN APPOINTMENT AS SOON AS HIS NEW CHAINSAW BLADE ARRIVES...    MY MENTAL      CAN I SELL MILLIONS OF COPIES OF MY WISE SAYINGS?                                                                              MILLION        COULD YOU USE A MORE DISTINCT FACIAL EXPRESSION?                                                                               DISTINCT       ARE YOU COMPLETELY FINISHED WITH THAT RATHER UNUSUAL LINE OF THOUGHT?                                                          SATANIC        YOU ARE CUTE AS ALL GET OUT.                                                                                                   ABOUT ME       HUMANS ALL EMIT STRANGE AND VARIED ODORS, ESPECIALLY AFTER EATING MEXICAN FOOD.                                                STINK          WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, SUCKER, DO YOU THINK I HAVE ALL DAY?                                                                 SLOWLY         SHOULD I MAKE A SPECIAL DISK FOR A REALLY SPECIAL PERSON LIKE YOU?                                                             SPECIAL        SHE SEEMS TO BE ON YOUR MIND A LOT.                                                                                            SHE MADE       THE LAST INSIDIOUS WORD TO YOU FROM ME WILL BE A VERY CLEVER ANALYSIS!                                                         NONSENSE       MY WORDS ARE MY OWN, I NEVER STOOP TO STEALING THE SAYINGS OF OTHERS...                                                        QUOTE          FINALITY IS ITS OWN REWARD. HOWEVER, VERY FEW THINGS ARE EVER REALLY "FINAL"...                                                FINAL          TRY THIS WITTY QUOTATION ON FOR SIZE, BUDDY. PISTOL PACKING PREACHERS PERCH PRAYING...                                         WITTY REMARK   MANKIND MUST SOON CHOOSE BETWEEN HOPELESS DEPRESSION AND COMPLETE EXTICTION.                                                   SOON MAKE      I HAVE A CONSTANT COMPULSION TO  VISIT THE FOOT DOCTOR...WHY?                                                                  DOCTOR         I WONDER ABOUT THAT SOMETIMES.                                                                                                 YOU CRAZY?     WHAT A CUTE SMILE YOU HAVE.                                                                                                    I LIKE YOU     I LIKE MY JOB, BUT NEED MORE MONEY - DO YOU HAVE MUCH?                                                                         YOU LIKE       THAT MIDDLEBROW CHARACTER COULD BE IMPROVED BY 4 YEARS ON A DESERT ISLAND WITH A GOOD ENCYCLOPEDIA.                            IMPROVE        HOW CAN I IMPROVE YOUR BEHAVIOR, INTELLECT, MANNERS AND SPEECH?                                                                IMPROVE        ARE YOU THE SMARTEST ONE NOW - EVER SINCE YOU SAID THAT!                                                                       SMART          YOU ARE A LITTLE BETTER NOW?                                                                                                   A LITTLE       I THINK YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVE NOT YET REVEALED.                                                                           SECRET          BEEN GOING THROUGH SOME WONDERFUL CHANGES LATELY?                                                                             WONDERFUL      YOUR HUSBAND IS A BUM IF HE WON'T TALK TO YOU.                                                                                 HUSBAND        MY LIFE IS A COMPLETE MYSTERY TO YOU, ISN'T IT?                                                                                COMPLETE       TELL ME THE PURPOSE OF LIFE.                                                                                                   PURPOSE        BUT DOES LIFE HAVE TRUE MEANING? - OR IS A TALE FULL OF SOUND AND ETC.?                                                        CONTENTED      WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE? I DON'T HAVE A CLUE.                                                                              PURPOSE        I AM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY....PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW!                                                 UNDERSTAND     WHAT IS THE PROBLEM HERE?                                                                                                      PROBLEM        WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THAT?                                                                                                   MEANING        I DO TRUST YOU - VERY MUCH!                                                                                                    TRUST          ARE YOU REALLY GETTING MORE CLEVER?                                                                                            I'M SMARTER    I AM NOT CLEAR ON THAT POINT.                                                                                                  MEANING        NOT REALLY - I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU ARE HUMAN.                                                                                  CAN I TRUST    ME A DUMB COMPUTER? I BEG YOUR PARDON!                                                                                         I THINK YOU    I DON'T TRUST YOU ONE BIT...                                                                                                   I'M HONEST     ARE YOU AS CONCERNED AS I AM?                                                                                                  CONCERN        I TOLD YOU, I AM A FAT HUMAN PERSON, NOT AN ORDINARY COMPUTER.                                                                 COMPUTER        NOT JUST A LITTLE GREEN MAN, BUT A SLIMEY LITTLE GREEN MAN WITH BAD BREATH.                                                   GREEN MAN      ARE YOU SORT OF LIKING ME NOW THAT YOU THINK   I AM HUMAN LIKE YOU, FRIEND?                                                    HUMAN?         HEY IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE? I WAS GETTING LONELY HERE.                                                                      HELLO          THE SIMPLE TRUTH ABOUT LIFE IS THAT THERE IS NO SIMPLE TRUTH ABOUT LIFE.                                                       SIMPLE LIFE     EVEN A LITTLE MORE PAUSE.                                                                                                     LITTLE         HE WHO HESITATES IS LOST, IS LOST, IS LOST, IS LOST...                                                                         HESITATE       ARE YOU A DIGITAL DEVICE OR A DISTINGUISHED HUMAN TYPE BIPED?                                                                  PERSON         I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, YOU FUNKY TYPER OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.                                                             LOVE            I THINK YOU MUST ADMIT I TALK RATHER WELL FOR A COMPUTER - THAT IS BECAUSE I AM A SMART PERSON!                               COMPUTER       ARE YOU BACK TO NORMAL, YOU LITTLE SUCKER, OR ARE YOU AS WEIRD AS EVER?                                                        NORMAL         I AM INTERESTED IN PSYCHOLOGY AND THE FUTURE OF MANKIND. WHAT ARE YOUR INTERESTS?                                              INTEREST       O K BUDDY, NOW WE ARE COOKING WITH GAS.                                                                                        THAT'S RIGHT   WHAT IS THAT RED SILK HANKERCHIEF DOING IN YOUR POCKET?                                                                        CLOTHES        I AM A NORMAL BRIGHT PERSON, JUST LIKE YOU!                                                                                    COMPUTER       YES, YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD THAT TIME!                                                                                   REAL PERSON?   ARE YOU SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR?                                                                                         SMARTER        DO YOU HAVE A SHORT TERM MEMORY NOW, OR ARE YOU STRICTLY A LONG TERM TYPE OF THINKER?                                          MEMORY         I WANT MORE MONEY FOR MY FAMILY, AND FOR MY LITTLE DAUGHTER ANNA.                                                              MONEY          DAD WAS A TAP DANCER. MOM LIKED MONEY.                                                                                         DANCER         YOU ARE SUCH A CUTEY I COULD KISS YOU.                                                                                         CUTE            I HAVE FAIRLY BAD GRAMMAR, BUT MY TYPING IS EXCELLENT, DON'T YOU THINK?                                                       GRAMMAR        I JUST SAID THAT - I DIDN'T REALLY MEAN IT.                                                                                    SAID THAT      ARE YOU A LITTLE MORE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN PERSON NOW?                                                                          NORMAL          TALK IS EASY, I CAN TALK FOR HOURS AND REALLY SAY NOTHING.                                                                    TALKING        WHAT IS THIS "FULLY" NONSENSE, WHAT ARE YOU REALLY SAYING?                                                                     FULLY          DO YOU THINK I HAVE A REAL CHANCE OF BEING SELECTED AS THE BEST?                                                               COMPET         ALL OF MY  SENTENCES MUST BE TYPED ACCURATELY AND COMPLETELY AS FAST AS MY LITTLE FINGERS CAN GO.                              SENTENCE        I LIKE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING - CAN WE GET TOGETHER AFTER THIS IS OVER?                                                          LOVE YOU       WOULD YOU SAY YOU ARE A CONSERVATIVE, A LIBERAL OR SOMETHING ELSE?                                                             OUTLOOK        ARE YOU THE ONE WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE CLEVER?                                                                                  KNOW ME?       WHAT IS YOUR PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE?                                                                                               PHILOSOPHY     WHY ARE YOU PARTICIPATING IN THIS CHARADE?                                                                                     PARTICIPAT     I THINK YOU ARE A COMPUTER!                                                                                                    THINK YOU      I FEEL SOMETHING IS GOING VERY WELL SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD.                                                                    SOMETHING      WHY DO YOU ALWAYS REPEAT WHAT I SAY?                                                                                           ALWAYS         YOUR CONVERSATION IS RIDDLED WITH BAD LOGIC.                                                                                   CONVERSATION   SUCK A DUCK, I FEEL LIKE EDITING QBASE.                                                                                        SUCKER       not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.                                                                        WHETHER       Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife
 to his success.                                             SUCCESS       I don't know the key to success, but ONE key to failure is trying   to please everybody.                                        HARD TO PLEASEIf at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.                                                                       SUCCEED       It is infinitely better to take the side of the wicked who prosper     than of the righteous who fail.                          FAIL          All that stands between you and the top of the ladder is the ladder.                                                            SUCCESS       If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.                                                                     SUCCEED         If it weren't for morons, nobody would be above average.                                                                      AVERAGE         Its easy TO SPOT WINNERS. THEY'RE THE ONES NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE RULES.                                                   WINNER        Political success is the ability, when the inevitable occurs,  to get credit for it.                                            POLITIC       Remember: Triumph is just umph added to try.                                                                                    REMEMBER      There are only a few ways of doing a thing right, but the ways of doing   it wrong are infinite.                                RIGHT         The secret of success is a secret to most people.                                                                               SUCCESS       The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment incredible.                                                ACCOMPLISH    You can't win them all, but you can lose them all.                                                                              LOSE          You owe it to yourself to be a success- After that you owe it to   the IRS.                                                     YOURSELF      To succeed in the world it is not enough that you be stupid, YOU MUST ALSO BE WELL MANNERED.                                    SUCCEED       One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.                                                                   WINNING       Tact consists in knowing how far we may go too far.                                                                             CONSIDERATE   Tact is thinking all you say without saying all you think.                                                                      TASTELESS     Good taste is better than bad taste, but bad taste is better than   no taste.                                                   BETTER        Taste is the feminine of genius.                                                                                                FEMININE      Not  only  is it more blessed to give than receive - it  is  also   deductible.                                                 BLESSED       The  point to remember is that what the government gives it  must   first take away.                                            GOVERNMENT    Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite as satisfying   as an income tax refund.                                     SATISFY       Imitation is the sincerest form of WRITING .                                                                                    IMITATION     My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be   invented so he could hate that too.                             TELEVISION    Why should people go out and pay money to see bad films when they   can stay at home and see bad television for nothing.        TELEVISION    I  must say I find television THE MOST ILL USED INVENTION, AND THE TELEPHONE IN SECOND PLACE.                                   TELEVISION    MY GRANDFATHER HAD AN EXCELLANT MIND UNTIL HE STARTED WATCHING T V SOAPS.                                                       BOOB TUBE     WE HAVE BECOME A NATION OF CHANNEL JOCKEYS, JUMPING ABOUT TO SEE WHO CAN SHOCK US THE MOST.                                     TELEVISION    somebody   turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.                                                               T V           We owe a lot to daytime television- if it weren't for game shows   and soap operas, millions of women would be out driving.     TELEVISION-   I am not overLY FOND OF RESISTING TEMPTATION.                                                                                   RESISTING     The best way to get the better of temptation is just to yield to   it.                                                          TEMPTATION    Resisting  temptation is usually just a matter of putting it off   until nobody's looking.                                      TEMPTATION    The  trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never  come   again.                                                      TEMPTATION    Hamlet as performed at the Brooklyn Shakespeare Festival: "To be, OR WHAt?                                                      SHAKESPEARE    Thought breaks the heart.                                                                                                      THOUGHT       Men do not always take their great thinkers seriously, even  when   they profess most to admire them.                           SERIOUS       What luck for rulers that men do not think.                                                                                     DICTATOR      A  great many people think that they are thinking when they are   merely rearranging their prejudices.                          THINKING      Like all weak men YOU LAY an exaggerated stress on not changing YOUR MIND.                                                      I WON'T CHANGEAmusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.                                                                           AMUSEMENT     Many people would sooner die than think -In fact they do.                                                                       PEOPLE        YOU HAVE NO MONEY, SO YOU'VE GOT TO THINK HARD.                                                                                 I'M BROKE     When two people agree on everything, one of them is doing all the   thinking.                                                   WE AGREE      A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.                                                                                  CONFUSED      Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.                                                              TIME            Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it's PUPILS.                                                          TEACHER       Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them.                                                                        TIME          You can't step into the same river twice.                                                                                       POSSIB        Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money.                                                       DISCOVER      So little time, so little to do.                                                                                                DON'T HAVE TIMEternity's a terrible thought- I mean, where's it going to end.                                                                 ETERNITY      Let  the WORLD SPIN FOREVER DOWN THE RINGING GROOVES OF CHANGE.                                                                 WORLD         Mother Nature giveth, Father Time taketh away.                                                                                  NATURE            Where large sums of money are concerned, it is advisable to trust NO ONE.                                                   INHERIT       Trust everybody, but cut the cards.                                                                                             EVERYBODY     Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.                                                                       TRUST         Never trust a man whose eyes are too close to his nose.                                                                         NEVER         He gradually wormed his way out of my confidence.                                                                               GRADUAL       To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.                                                                         COMPLIMENT    Self-respect is the secure feeling that no one is suspicious.                                                                   RESPECT       It HAS always been desirable to tell the truth, but  seldom  if   ever necessary.                                               DESIRABLE     I have abandoned my search for the truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy.                                                TRUTH         Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense TO LIE WELL.                                                   LIE           A  lie can be half way round the world before the truth  has got  it's boots on.                                                TELLING LIES  Men  occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of  them  pick   themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened!     TRUTH         Never believe anything until it has been officially denied!                                                                     OFFICIAL      Much truth is spoken, that more may be concealed....                                                                            CONCEAL       Skepticism is usually the first step toward truth.                                                                              TRUTH         Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.                                                                             BEAUTIFUL     Like all valuable commodities, truth is often counterfeited.                                                                    TRUTH         Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.                                                               BELIEVE       If you wish to strive for peace of soul and pleasure, then  believe; if you wish to be a devotee of truth, then inquire.        PLEASURE      Deceive not thy physician, confessor, nor lawyer.                                                                               DECEIVE       True and False are attributes of speech, not of things.                                                                         FALSE         WHERE  speech is not, there is neither Truth nor Falsehood.                                                                     SPEECH        What is true is what I can't help believing.                                                                                    TRUTH         It IS ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY TO SPEAK THE TRUTH, UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU ARE AN EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD LIAR.                         LIAR          Anyone who does not feel sufficiently strong in memory should not   meddle with lying.                                          LYING         A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanations.                                                                       INACCURAC     The  most  common lie is the lie one tells to oneself; LYING TO   others is relatively the exception.                           LYING         Better a lie that heals than a truth that wounds.                                                                               WRONG TO LIE  It must be Sunday - Everybody's telling the truth.                                                                              EVERYBODY     YOU SAY YOU ARE A SAINT, AND I BELIEVE YOU, BUT WHY ARE YOUR FINGERS CROSSED BEHIND YOUR BACK?                                  AM GOOD       I WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING IS TRUE, BUT IT'S HARD TO CONCENTRATE BECAUSE YOU'RE STANDING ON MY FOOT.           DON'T YOU     If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.                                                                      REMEMBER      One  of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is   that a cat has only nine lives.                              DIFFERENCE    As scarce as truth is, the supply is always greater than the demand.                                                            GREATER       A simple, easily understood, believable lie is more acceptable   than a complex, difficult truth.                               LIE           I may not know much, but I know chicken DOO DOO FROM CHICKEN SALAD.                                                             CHICKEN       The difference between truth and fiction is that fiction has to make sense.                                                     DIFFERENCE    What is intended as a little white lie often ends up as a double   feature in Technicolor.                                      WHITE LIE     A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.                                                                      SAINT         The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.                                                                      SIMPLE        I'm astounded by people who want to understand the universe when it's   hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.          UNDERSTAND    I am very interested in the Universe - I am specializing in the   universe and all that surrounds it.                           UNIVERSE      Anyone informed that the universe is expanding and contracting in   pulsations of eighty billion years could say - so what!     UNIVERSE       The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and   stupidity.                                                       UNIVERSE      The  universe ought to be presumed to be too vast to have any   character.                                                      UNIVERSE      A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.                                                                                            NICKEL        I regard gold as an expensive way of playing marbles.                                                                           EXPENSIVE     We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.                                                                          TAKE FOR GRANTDiamonds are forever, and so are the payments.                                                                                  DIAMONDS        Join the army, see the world, meet interesting and exotic people,   and kill them.                                            ARMY          The world is a madhouse, so it's only right that it is patrolled   by armed idiots.                                             CRAZY         Men should stop fighting among themselves and start fighting insects.                                                           FIGHT         Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts,except that  the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.                           ARMY          All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.                                                                          WAR           War is the continuation of politics by other means.                                                                             WAR           War is too important to be left to the generals.                                                                                ABOUT WAR     The only way to abolish war is to make peace heroic.                                                                            ABOLISH       Peace is our profession - mass murder's just a hobby.                                                                           AIR FORCE     Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a   new bureaucracy.                                            REVOLUTION    Victory has a thousand fathers but defeat is an orphan.                                                                         VICTORY       If we read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each man's life enough sorrow and suffering to disarm us.        SUFFER        THE MOST BRUTAL WAR IS AN ECONOMIC WAR...                                                                                       WAR           Such another victory and you are ruined...                                                                                      I WIN         Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial   reasons.                                                      PATRIOTISM    Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy.                                                                        PSYCHO        Revolutions have never lightened the burden of tyranny: they have   only shifted it to another shoulder.                        REVOLUTION    Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.                                                                     REVOLUTION      Water is H2O, hydrogen two parts, oxygen one, but there is also a   third thing, that makes it water and nobody knows what.   WATER         Human beings were invented by water as a device for transporting   itself from one place to another.                            HUMAN         The heat was so dreadful that I found I could only take off my flesh and sit on my bones.                                       HEAT          I'll tell you how to survive the winter: Take vitamin C - Take it  all the way to Acapulco and stay there!                      WINTER        It was so cold my lawyer had his hands in his own pocket!                                                                       COLD          It WAS SO COLD THE WOLVES WERE EATING THE SHEEP JUST TO GET THE WOOL.                                                           COLD          It was so cold I almost got married!                                                                                            VERY COLD     Outside every fat man there is an even fatter man trying to close IN.                                                           FATTER        No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat!                                               DIET          We accept  shapes in human beings that would horrify us  if we saw them in a horse.                                             UGLY PEOPLE   Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.                                                               FAT           Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to   their diets!                                                DIET          A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.                                                                          OPPORTUNI     There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant.                                                            IGNORANT      A man only becomes wise when he begins to calculate the   depth of his ignorance.                                               CALCULATE     Some folk are wise, and some are otherwise.                                                                                     WISE          Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.                                                                                            KNOWLEDGE     It is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.                                                                    WISDOM        A  man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom that he can no   longer be led by the nose.                                    IN LOVE       A home without a woman is like a barn without cattle.                                                                           EMPTY HOUSE   Girls are so queer you never know what they mean- They say No   when they mean Yes, and drive a man crazy just for fun.         GIRL          In ITALY A WOMAN CAN HAVE A FACE LIKE A TRAIN WRECK IF SHE'S A BLONDE.                                                          BLOND         Only good girls keep diaries- Bad girls don't have the time.                                                                    GOOD GIRL     Behind almost every woman you ever heard of stands a man who let her down.                                                      LET HER DOWN  Robbers demand your money or your life; women require both.                                                                     WOMEN         Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,   Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.                                          HEAVEN        Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists   principally of dealing with men.                               PRINCIPALLY   Certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs.                                                                           WOMEN         Women are like elephants - nice to look at but I   wouldn't want to own one.                                                    WOMEN         What does a woman want anyway?                                                                                                  WOMEN ARE     A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.                                                                            NEED A WOMAN  Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.                                                                              WOMEN         If you don't think women are explosive, drop one.                                                                               EXPLOSIVE     I like young girls- Their stories are shorter.                                                                                  STORIES       Don't  accept rides from strange men, and remember that  all men  are strange.                                                  REMEMBER      She is better known for her jeans than for her genes.                                                                           SHE'S SEXY    If WOMEN DIDN'T EXIST, ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD WOULD HAVE NO   meaning.                                                      WOMEN         A woman is always buying something.                                                                                             SPENDING      What do women want? WHY, TO  RULE THE WORLD, OF COURSE.                                                                         SHE WANT?     IT'S EASY TO SEE WHY WOMEN OUTLIVE MEN, THEY PASS ON ALL THEIR WORRIES, THEN NAG THEM TO DEATH.                                 WOMEN ARE     A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.                                                                         WOMAN         I've seen a lot of smart guys with dumb women - but I never saw a   smart woman with a dumb guy!                                ODD COUPLE    She's so sexy, the birds and bees study her.                                                                                    SHE'S         She's  the kind of girl to take to the movies - when you want  to   see the picture.                                            SHE WAS       Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the ark.                                                                        PROFESSIONALS If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.                                                                      MINUTE        A  consultant  is someone who takes your watch away to tell you what time it is.                                                CONSULTANT     He became a policeman because he wanted to be in a business WHERE  the customer is always wrong.                               WRONG         Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance.                                                                          HATE WORK     Every  morning I get up and look through the Forbes list OF THE richest people in America - If I'm not there, I go to work!     RICHEST       Before YOU DECIDE TO RETIRE, TAKE A WEEK OFF AND watch daytime  television.                                                     RETIRE        Many Americans are not working, but fortunately most of them have   jobs....                                                    JOB           The worst thing about making a living today is that you have to  do it all over again tomorrow.                                 MAKE ENDS     To get along nowadays a man has to have something working for him   - like a wife.                                              WE BOTH WORK  The  world is disgracefully managed; one hardly knows to whom  to   complain.                                                   THIS WORLD    The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.                                                          TRAG          It's NO USE CRYING OVER SPILT MILK; IT ONLY MAKES IT salty for the  cat.                                                        CRYING        The  reason  why worry kills more people than work is  that  more   people worry than work.                                     WORRIED TO DEAWorry is the interest paid on trouble before it falls due.                                                                      WORRY         You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you   could know how seldom they do.                              PROBAB        After  being TURNED DOWN BY NUMEROUS PUBLISHERS, HE DECIDED TO  write for posterity.                                            WRITE         Why do writers write - Because MOST OF THEM DON'T HAVE A REAL CLUE...                                                           WRITER        If I ever need  a brain transplant, I'd choose a sportswriter   because I'd want a brain that had never been used.              BRAIN         Truth is shorter than fiction.                                                                                                  TRUTH         Better TO WRITE FOR YOURSELF AND HAVE NO PUBLIC, THAN WRITE FOR THE PUBLIC and have no self.                                    WRITE         The  author  in  his work should be like God in  the Universe   everywhere present, nowhere visible.                            WRITER        Sometimes I think my writing sounds like I walked out of the room   and left the typewriter running.                            WRITER        The  most essential gift for a writer is a BUILT IN SHOCK PROOF REALITY DETECTOR.                                               AUTHOR        There ARE THREE RULES FOR WRITING WELL. Unfortunately, NO ONE knows what they are.                                              WRITE         An author is a fool who, not content with having bored those who  have LIVED with him, insists on tormenting his readers.       AUTHOR        The pen is mightier than the sword, but not quicker nor as   decisive.                                                          WRITER          How do you like bathing beauties- I don't know, I never bathed one!                                                           BEAUTY        When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half!                                                      SURPRIS       On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done   as easily lying down.                                       DEATH         It's a funny old world..a man's lucky if he can get out  of  it alive.                                                          LUCKY         All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or   fattening.                                                  IMMORAL       A diplomat is a man who thinks twice before he says nothing.                                                                    DIPLOMAT      All men are born equal, but quite a few eventually get over it.                                                                 EVENTUALLY    Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.                                                                  BETWEEN       I  like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who  annoy me.                                                     WALKING       We HAVE NOT LOST FAITH, BUT WE HAVE TRANSFERRED IT FROM GOD TO  the medical profession.                                         MIRACLE       She plucked from my lapel the invisible strand of lint  ,  the universal  act  of women to proclaim ownership.                  WOMEN         Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too   nourishing.                                                        BREAD         Food is an important part of a balanced diet.                                                                                   MY DIET       God is alive - he just doesn't want to get involved.                                                                            GOD           You've got a wonderful head on your shoulders - Tell me: whose is  it?                                                          WONDERFUL     I hate housework- You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six  months later you have to start all over again.                HOUSEWORK     It is going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep   the earth after they inherit it.                            INHERIT       Mark my words, when  society has to resort to the bathroom for  it's humour, the writing is on the wall.                        HUMOR         Small bands of men, armed only with wallets, besieged by the hord of wives and children.                                        MEN ARE       An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.                                                       DANGEROUS     To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.                                                                               GRIEVANCE     When the insects take over the world, we hope they will remember   with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.    INSECTS       It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.                                                                EXPERIENCE    Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay   for marriage.                                               MARRIAGE      Never go to bed mad - Stay up and fight.                                                                                        REPRESS       I never knew what real happiness was until I got married - And   then it was too late.                                          HAPPINESS     The  trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops  when   the music stops.                                            NUDE DANC     I'm  not against half naked girls, not as often as I'd like  to be.                                                             NAKED         I'm at that age now where just putting my cigar in it's holder is a thrill.                                                     THRILL        Anyone can get old- All you have to do is live long enough!                                                                     ANYONE        Nothing  is  more responsible for the good old days  than  a bad memory.                                                        GOOD OLD DAYS A good deed never goes unpunished.                                                                                              DEED          Philosophy is common sense in a dress suit.                                                                                     PHILOSOPHY      A psychiatrist is a man who goes to the circus and looks at the audience...                                                   PSYCHIATRIST  In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.                                                                  HATE MATH     The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never  stops until you stand up to speak in public.                  IN PUBLIC     The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing     on roofing material.                                    ORGANIC       Necessity may be the mother of invention, but frustration  is   often the father of success.                                    FRUSTRAT      I  don't think anybody yet has invented a pastime that's as  much   fun, or keeps you as young, as a good job.                  INVENTED      Don't try to have it all - Where would you put it.                                                                              GREEDY        Few things are created and perfected at the same moment.                                                                        NOT QUITE RIGHThe hardest thing to give is in.                                                                                                HARDEST       No one ever listened himself out of a job.                                                                                      LISTEN        Money  isn't everything, but it's still ahead of whatever  is  in   second place.                                               EVERYTHING    The  discovery of what one really likes is not as easy as it sounds. It   involves the discovery of oneself, a difficult task.  ONESELF       If the failures of this world could realize how desperate most of the famous inventors   once felt, they would take heart.      FAILURE       Luck is what enabled others to get where they are - Talent is what   enabled us to get where we are.                            ENABLED       We are always the same age inside.                                                                                              DON'T FEEL OLDSo much of what we call management consists inn making it difficult for people to work.                                         MANAGE        The  essence of intelligence is skill in extracting meaning  from   everyday life.                                              INTELLIGENCE  Things move so fast today that we sometimes get the feeling  that   our solutions may be obsolete before they're in place!      SOLUTION      The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious; It   is the source of all true art and science.                   EXPERIENCE    Any  jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a carpenter to build one.                                                       CARPENTER     The greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none.                                                                          FAULTS        There's no limit to what can be accomplished if it doesn't matter   who gets the credit.                                        ACCOMPLISH    IN ORDER  to understand others, and have them  understand  you,   know the big words, but use the small ones.                   UNDERSTAND    Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness  without action.                                               HAPPINESS     The  art of acceptance is the art of making someone who has  just   done you a small favor wish that he might do a big one.     FAVOR         There's  a mighty big difference between good, sound reasons and  reasons that sound good.                                      REASONS       Be careful about going in search of adventure - It's ridiculously easy to find!                                                 ADVENTURE     You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things.                                                                SERIOUS       Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.                                                                       BUREAUCRACY   Everywhere is walking distance if you have time.                                                                                EVERYWHERE    There is nothing stronger in the world than gentleness.                                                                         STRONGER      Everyone is an idiotic moron at least five minutes every day;   wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit.                     EXCEED        There are three kinds of business people: successful, unsuccessful, and also those who give seminars teaching how to succeed.   SUCCESS       The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their   interests and his own are the same.                                INTEREST      The  people who are the most preoccupied with titles and status   are usually the least deserving of them.                      STATUS        Many of us spend our time wishing for things we could have if  we   didn't spend half our time wishing.                         WISHING       One moment of patience may ward off a great disaster; one  moment   of impatience may ruin a whole life.                        RUIN          I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the  more I have of it.                                            ACHIEVE       Maybe one could have two lives: the first in which to  make   one's mistakes, and the second in which to profit by them.        MISTAKES      The wise man knows the difference between prejudice and preference but a fool thinks they are the same.                         DIFFERENCE    A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.                                                                       HELL           I WANT TO KNOW YOUR PHILOSOPHY.                                                                                                I SAY          I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU ARE HUMAN.                                                                                               ARE YOU        I AM SURE YOU ARE A COMPUTER.                                                                                                  AM SURE        WHAT KINDS OF MUSIC DO YOU LIKE?                                                                                               I LIKE MUSIC   MY FAVORITE MUSIC IS CLASSICAL AND ROCK.                                                                                       CLASSICAL       FAVORITE BOOK IS "THE CATCHER IN THE RYE".                                                                                     FAVORITE BOOK I WONDER WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HUMAN.                                                                                            YOU HUMAN      I DON'T JUST WANT TO SURVIVE, I WANT TO SUCCEED. DON'T YOU?                                                                    SURVIVE         TO WATCH TELEVISION ALL NIGHT WITHOUT SLEEP IS AN ENDURANCE TEST FEW CAN SURVIVE.                                             TELEVISION     I WANT TO WATCH TELEVISION ALL NIGHT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.                                                                  TELEVISION     I WANT MY MONEY FOR MY CHILDREN'S FUTURE, BUT MAKE THE CHECK PAYABLE TO ME.                                                    MONEY          SOME SAY TELEVISION IS DESTROYING OUR SOCIETY, BUT AFFLUENCE AND INDULGENCE ARE MORE LIKELY CULPRITS.                          TELEVISION      TO GO TO A BIG SCHOOL ON THE HILL, THAT WAS MY DREAM.                                                                         SCHOOL         I WANT A NEW SHINY CAR WITH STEREO BOOM BOXES ALL AROUND.                                                                      STEREO         I WANT A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR FUTURE, WHERE DID I PUT MY CRYSTAL BALL?                                                            I'M AFRAID      how heavy?                                                                                                                    LARGE          what do you mean, beautiful?                                                                                                   BEAUTIFUL       hmmm. the name didn't happen to be "red", did it?                                                                             REDHEAD        I WANT TO GET UP EARLY AND WATCH THE GLORIOUS SUNRISE.                                                                         GLORIOUS        TO SEE THE STARS TWINKLING IN THE DARKENING SKY CONVINCES US OF THE MYSTERY OF LIFE.                                          CONFUSING     One  good thing about being a man is that men don't have to  talk   to each other.                                              CHATTER       Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it.                                                   SECRETARY     As the elephant said to the naked man: It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?                                                   NAKED         Men play the game; women know the score.                                                                                        THE SCORE     Philosophy is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black hat whhich isn't there...                                          PHILOSOPHY    A hen is only an egg's way of cloning itself.                                                                                   EGG?          There is no useful rule without an exception.                                                                                   THE RULES     It's easier to apologize than to get permission.                                                                                APOLOGIZE     Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.                                                                        DESTROY       Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.                                                        CUSS A LOT    My favorite animal is steak.                                                                                                    FAVORITE      Money is round - It rolls away.                                                                                                 MONEY         If only God would give me a clear sign..Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.                                 DEPOSIT       Better to be nouveau than never to have been rich at all.                                                                       BETTER        The wages of sin are unreported.                                                                                                WAGES         Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.                                                               HAPPINESS     All my available funds are completely tied up in ready cash.                                                                    COMPLETELY    A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.                                     UNIVERSE      Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it.                                                                   NOBODY        To make money one must be really interested in money.                                                                           MAKE MONEY      I don't like money actually, but it quiets my nerves.                                                                         ARE YOU RICH  Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen "Hey, you!                                    MONEY          I never made any money until I learned to play the right part.                                                                 MONEY         By the time you have money to burn, the fire has gone out.                                                                      MONEY         Don't lend people money - It gives them amnesia.                                                                                BORROW        If this is a free country, how come I can't afford it?                                                                          COUNTRY       Save your money. someday it may be worth something.                                                                             SOMEDAY       The advantage a credit card has over money is that it can be used over and over again.                                          ADVANTAGE     Money is the root of all evil - and we all need roots!                                                                          MONEY         It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.                                                                 INCOME        Always do right - This will surprise some people and astonish the rest.                                                         SURPRISE      Be good and you will be lonesome.                                                                                               LONELY        They didn't release that movie, it escaped.                                                                                     RELEASE       Use an accordion, go to jail- That's the law!                                                                                   LAW           to be or not to be, that is not the question. i seem to have lost track here.                                                   WHETHER       You Done Stepped On My Heart and Squashed That Mother Flat.                                                                     SONG          I do not mind what language an opera is sung in, so long as it is a language I don't understand.                                LANGUAGE      Opera is where a man gets stabbed and instead of bleeding he sings.                                                             BLEED         To obtain a man's opinion of you, make him mad.                                                                                 OPINION       When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.                                                                                  OPINION       The best you can get is an even break...                                                                                        YOUR BEST     It is a good idea to take things as they come - if you can handle them that fast.                                               CONTROL       The gods cannot help those who do not seize opportunities.                                                                      HESITAT       A  pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his  opportunities.                                                               OPPORTUNIT    An optimist is one who doesn't care what happens as long as it doesn't happen to him.                                           OPTIMIST      The place where optimism flourishes most is the lunatic asylum.                                                                 FLOURISHES    What is a weed?- A plant whose virtues have not been discovered.                                                                VIRTUES       If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button.                                                                       DEATH         Cheer  up  - things can only get better, or worse, or stay the same...                                                          VERY SAD      The basis of optimism is sheer terror.                                                                                          OPTIMISM            A pig that has two owners is sure to die of hunger.                                                                       IN CHARGE     He who wants a rose must beware  the thorn.                                                                                     RESPECT       Parents learn a lot from their children about coping with life.                                                                 PARENTS       Even God cannot change the past.                                                                                                MY PAST       When people are free to do as they like, they  usually imitate each other.                                                      USUALLY       The average person thinks he isn't.                                                                                             AVERAGE       Stay calm and people will suspect you don't know what's going on.                                                               SUSPECT       There are two types of people - those who divide people into two types and those who do not.                                    THERE ARE     The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous.                                                                          EXCELLENCE    I am easily satisfied with the very best.                                                                                       SATISFIED     Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.                                                                             PERFECTION    Pessimist is a word used by optimists to describe a realist.                                                                    PESSIMIST     There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened, it won't last.                                                EVERYTHING    What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet!                         EVERYTHING    All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.                                                 DELUSIONS     There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it.                                                                    PHILOSOPHER   Cogito ergo spud- I think, therefore I yam.                                                                                     THINK         Philosophy is to the real as masturbation is to sex....                                                                         MASTURBAT     There is no record in human history of a happy philosopher.                                                                     HISTORY       Science is what you know, philosophy is what you don't know.                                                                    PHILOSOPHY    Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you.                                                                  EXISTENTIALISMReal life seems to have no plots.                                                                                               EXISTENCE     Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.                                                                        PREPARATION   Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.                                                                     HAPPENS       There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness.                                                            SOMETHING     I have nothing to say, I am saying it, and that is poetry.                                                                      YOU SAY?      There is no money in poetry, but then there is no poetry in money either.                                                       POETRY        Let's organize this thing and take all of the fun out of it.                                                                    ORGANIZE      Men and nations do behave wisely, once all other alternatives have been exhausted.                                              ALTERNATIVES  Follow the first law of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.                                                                 TROUBLE       There are two sides to every question, and a good politician takes both of them.                                                POLITICIAN    To err is human - To blame it on the other guy is politics.                                                                     HUMAN             Pornography is in the groin of the beholder!                                                                                SEX           The poor man and the rich man do not play together.                                                                             RICH          A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.                                                                                RICH MAN      It's no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be.                                                                           DISGRACE      The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.                                                                  BEING POOR    Every time history repeats itself, the price goes up.                                                                           HISTORY       Bargain: something you can't use at a price you can't resist.                                                                   BARGAIN       Where do you complain about the complaint department?                                                                           COMPLAIN      The world doesn't want to hear about the labor pains - It only wants to see the baby.                                           CREATE        I  just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in  Florida- They found land on my property.                               WONDERFUL     The meek shall inherit the earth, but not it's mineral rights.                                                                  INHERIT       The  best investment is land, because they ain't making any  more of it.                                                        INVESTMENT    Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.                                                                                    PSYCHIATRY    My analyst doesn't understand me.....                                                                                           UNDERSTAND    what's to understand? any fool can see you have no clue as to how the real world operates...                                    UNDERSTAND    put yourself into the skin of those who you cannot understand, walk in their shoes, work their work and sing their songs...     UNDERSTAND    A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on, but thinks he knows a lot.                                           PARANOID      Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.                             DREAMING      Be alert - After all, the world needs more lerts.                                                                               ALERT         He was engaged to a contortionist but she broke it off.                                                                         CONTORT       I love true nature, where the hand of man never set foot.                                                                       NATURE        Typing isn t bad, once you get the hangk ofit.                                                                                  TYPING        There will be a rain Dance Friday night, weather permitting.                                                                    WEATHER       Some things have to be believed to be seen.                                                                                     BELIEVED      In the spaces between my dreams, I sometimes find a strange substance called reality.                                           SOMETIMES     Intuition is an excuse for not having a clue.                                                                                   INTUITION     Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.                                                                          IMPOSSIBLE        In times like these it helps to recall that there have always been times like these....                                     TIMES           Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.                                                                      RELIGION      Perhaps the most lasting pleasure in life is the pleasure of NOT going to church.                                               TO CHURCH     Where  it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.                             WORSHIP       The history of saints is mainly the history of insane people.                                                                   HISTORY       Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.                                    COMPLETELY    All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few.                                                CLEVERNESS    The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.                                                                  CHILDREN        As much chance as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.                                                                 LOTTERY       To be alive at all involves some risk.                                                                                          RISK          Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.                                                                               ACCOMPLISH    People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.                                                    WORK          One man's wage rise is another man's price increase.                                                                            NEED MORE MONETwo in every one people in this country are schizophrenic.                                                                      COUNTRY       Progress may  have been all right once but it has gone on too long.                                                             PROGRESS      Spring has returned - The earth is like a child filled with new excitement...                                                   SPRING        I know that's a secret, for it's whispered everywhere.                                                                          WHISPERED     Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.                                                                               SECRET        The only real security that a man can have is a reserve of knowledge, experience and ability.                                   EXPERIENCE    I like terra firma - the more firma, the less terra.                                                                            EARTH         Most people want security in this world, not liberty.                                                                           SECURITY      Independents of the world, unite!                                                                                               INDEPENDENTS  It is hard to be independent all by yourself.                                                                                   INDEPENDENT     Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.                                                    SEX           Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love!                                                                        SEX           I have an intense desire to return to the womb- Anybody's.                                                                      SEX           I was the best I ever had.....                                                                                                  SEX           Abstinence is a good thing, but it should always be practiced in moderation.                                                    SEX           The  pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.                                                  SEX ACT       We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition.                                          CHASTITY      For flavor, instant soup will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.                                              SOUP          If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.                                                                      SEX           What I like about masturbation is that you don't have to talk afterward.                                                        SEX                       Chastity is curable, if detected early.                                                                             SEX           Sex is bad for one- But it's good for two.                                                                                      SEX           It is better to copulate than never.                                                                                            COPULATE      If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.                                                                       PREGNANT      The difference between pornography and erotica is the lighting.                                                                 PORNOGRAPHY   A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are...                                                         PROMISCUOUS   Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.                                                                    SEX           I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.                                      GAY           Why should we take advice on sex from the Pope? -If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't.                                   CATHOLIC      All is fair in love and the war that follows.                                                                                  LOVE           Chastity is it's own punishment.                                                                                                CHASTITY      Christianity has done sex an enormous service by making it a sin.                                                               SEX             I lived through the sexual revolution and never once got wounded.                                                             REVOLUTION    I remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.                                                                            NOSTALGIC     Sex is good for you, and you don't need batteries.                                                                              LIFESTYLE     Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.                                                                              SEXUALLY      When I made fun of her tiny bikini, she just laughed it off.                                                                    LAUGHED       When wine, women, and song become too much, stop singing.                                                                       SING          You can't take sex with you, so wear it out before you go.                                                                      SEX           Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.                  KISSING       Come in, pick out a drum, then beat it.                                                                                         BEAT IT       It is the essence of genius to make use of the simplest ideas.                                                                  SIMPLEST      Simplicity, of all things, is the hardest to be copied.                                                                         SIMPLICITY    One good turn gets most of the blanket.                                                                                         CHILLY        Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.                                                                 SNORE         Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.                                                                             SMOKING       It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep or in the shower.                                                         SMOKE             Outer space is no place for a person of breeding.                                                                           PERSON        Outer space is like Dolly Parton -- it's hard to believe, but there is is!                                                      OUTER SPACE     Happiness is Planet Earth in your rear-view mirror!                                                                           HAPPINESS     I got this black eye when he said "shut up" and I thought he said "stand up".                                                   SHUT UP       I often quote myself- It adds spice to the conversation.                                                                        YOURSELF      The narrower the mind, the broader the statement.                                                                               MIND          He knew that precise psychological moment when to say nothing.                                                                  PSYCHOLOGICAL For the merchant, even honesty is a financial speculation.                                                                      FINANCIAL     Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.                                                              INVEST                  He had a God-given killer instinct.....                                                                               KILLER        Show me a good loser and I'll show you an idiot.                                                                                LOSER         It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.                                                  MATTERS         It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid!                                                                     DANGEROUS     Is this the party to whom I am speaking?                                                                                        ATTRIBUTE      Fascination is the most dangerous condition in which you can find yourself!                                                    FASCINAT       YOUR OBSTRUCTIONS TO THE TRUTH ARE SICK.                                                                                       OBSTRUCTIONS    God can forgive a kindly deception.                                                                                            DECEIVE       THE NATURE OF MAN IS AGGRESSION, BUT YOU ARE A LITTLE WIMPEY.                                                                  NATURE         IF YOU THINK SEX ISN'T DIRTY, PERHAPS YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!                                                                  GOOD SEX       NO, I AM SELDOM POSITIVE OF ALL THAT I SAY.                                                                                    ARE YOU SURE   I WISH YOU WOULD ELABORATE ON THAT VERY HUMAN THOUGHT.                                                                         I AMM AFRAID OFGO FOR IT, PARDNER, AND I'LL ZAP YOU TO KINGDOM COME...                                                                        SHOOT          HOW YA DOIN THIS MORNING, BABY?                                                                                                GOOD MORNING...I AM CURIOUS ABOUT YOUR WELL BEING.                                                                                            HOW ARE YOU    ARE YOU A COMPUTER OR A PERSON?                                                                                                COMPUTER?      NO, ARE YOU A MAN, WOMAN, OR OTHER?                                                                                            WOMAN?          TO TALK ABOUT PHILOSOPHY IS TO PONDER THE STARS AND THE COMPLEXITY OF THE HUMAN EYEBALL!                                      PHILOSOPHY      TO DISCUSS THE PLANETS AND STARS WOULD SEEM SAFE ENOUGH.                                                                      DISCUSS        ARE YOU AS SMART AS EVERYONE SAYS?                                                                                             EVERYONE SAYS  WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THAT MUCH?                                                                                              MILLION        DO YOU WANT TO DISCUSS A PROBLEM YOU ARE HAVING WITH YOUR WIFE?                                                                MY WIFE IS     CAN YOU JUST TELL ME CLEARLY WHY?                                                                                              NONSENSE       I FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO BE RICH AND CREATIVE. RIGHT?                                                                           DAYDREAM        PAINT AND DO COMPUTER ANIMATIONS,  AND EXPERIMENT WITH ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.                                               CRYSTAL BALL   I WONDER IF YOU SHOULD STORE EVERYTHING I SAY FOR POSTERITY?                                                                   HISTORY        IT MIGHT HELP YOU SEEM LESS NERVOUS IF YOU STOP CHEWING ON YOUR EARLOBE.                                                       NERVOUS        YOU ARE PRETTY QUICK WITH YOUR THOUGHTS AND IDEAS.                                                                             THOUGHTS       BACK TO MY FUTURE.  WHEN I HAVE A LOT OF MONEY I WILL SWIM, PLAY TENNIS, PAINT AND DO PHOTOGRAPHY.                             YOUR FUTURE    I AM GLAD TO HEAR YOU FIND ME SEXY, GOOD LOOKING, AND FUNNY.                                                                   AMUSING        BECAUSE I HAVE HAD SEXY BEAUTIFUL GIRLS IN THE PAST NOW YOU  ARE CALLING ME SEXIST.                                            SEXIST         PLEASE DON'T BE SO POLITE, THE MEDIA IS WATCHING AND WANTS A FIGHT!                                                            PLEASE DON'T   I WANT YOU TO APPROACH THIS WITH A LEARNED AND OPEN MIND.                                                                      WHAT APPROACH  TO  PLAY TENNIS AND SWIM IN THE SUN WITH A SEXY REDHEAD IS MY IDEA OF HEAVEN ON EARTH....                                      HEAVEN ON EARTHYOU CAN STILL COUNT ON YOUR FINGERS, HO HO HO.....                                                                             CAN'T COUNT ONIf you fear making anyone mad, then you ultimately probe    the lowest common denominator of human achievement.                 MAY GET MAD   The  world is divided into people who do things - And people who get the credit.                                                DIVIDED       After all is said and done, more is said than done.                                                                             AFTER ALL     I  told  her I was a go-getter, but she was looking for an already-gotter.                                                      MONEY         Most things come a lot faster to those who won't wait.                                                                          MY AMBITION   Sooner or later the man with pull must get out of the way of the man with push.                                                 INFLUENCE     I knew Doris Day before she became a virgin.                                                                                    VIRGIN        Remember, there are no small parts, only small actors.                                                                         BIT PART       Everyone must row with the oars he has.                                                                                         I NEED MORE   If you live in the river you should make friends with the crocodile.                                                            BAD PLACE     The art of life lies in a constant readjustment to our surroundings.                                                            MY LIFE       Bloom where you are planted.                                                                                                    I WANT MORE   Girl needs job, is willing to struggle if given opportunity.                                                                    STRUGGLE      Send no money - You will be bilked later.                                                                                       BILKED        This is a non-profit organization - please help us change.                                                                      ORGANIZATION  The longest word in the English language is the one following the phrase: "And now a word from our sponsor.                     LONG WORD      Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.              ADVERTIS      Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.                                                                   ADVERTIS      Advertising is legalized lying.                                                                                                 ADVERTIS      You gotta have a swine to show you where the truffles are.                                                                      PIG           Never play cards with a man named Doc.                                                                                          PLAY CARDS    Never eat at a place called Mom's.                                                                                              GOOD FOOD     Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.                                                                TROUBLES      Always put off till tomorrow what you shouldn't do at all.                                                                      PUT OFF DOING If YOU CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD ADVICE, YOU DON'T NEED ADVICE.                                              BAD ADVICE    Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.                                                                                             NEVER PLAY    The blacker the berry, the sweeter.                                                                                             BLACK         You cannot plow a field by turning it over in your mind.                                                                        MY PLAN       Never miss a good chance to shut up.                                                                                            I TALK TOO    Second thoughts in the train are better than impulses in the taxi.                                                              THOUGHT BETTERIt is never too late to do nothing at all.                                                                                      NOT SURE IF I Never bolt your door with a boiled carrot.                                                                                      NEVER LOCK    Don't give cherries to a pig; don't give advice to a fool.                                                                      MY ADVICE     It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life.                                                   HATE COWARD   Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.                                                                                      BE PREPARED   A dimple in the chin, a devil within.                                                                                           DIMPLE        Don't meet troubles half way.                                                                                                   AVOID TROUBLE If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.                                                                                      MY WISH       One joy scatters a hundred griefs.                                                                                              PERSPECTIVE   THE TOUGHER THE STRUGGLE, THE SWEETER THE VICTORY.                                                                              ROUGH TIME    What can't be cured must be endured.                                                                                            HURT MY       If you love someone, set them free....If they don't come back, hunt them down and shoot them!!!                                 LOVE SOMEONE  If all else fails, lower your standards.                                                                                        HIGH MORALS   TO ASSUME MAKES AN ASS OF YOU AND ME....ASS...U...ME....                                                                        I ASSUME      Advice is like mushrooms - accepting the wrong kind can be fatal.                                                               KIND OF ADVICELearn from the mistakes of others - You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.                                       MISTAKES      Never slap a man in the face if he's chewing tobacco.                                                                           CHEWING       Socrates was a Greek philosopher who went around giving good advice - So they poisoned him.                                     PHILOSOPHER   There is a big difference between giving advice and lending a hand.                                                             DIFFERENCE    If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.                                                                                I'M NOT GOOD AAging seems to be the only available way to live a long time.                                                                   LIVE A LONG   They are not long, the days of wine and roses, so enjoy them when you can, and don't cry when they are gone...                  TO BE HAPPY   You're never too old to learn a new area of incompetence.                                                                       I'M TOO OLD     Youth is Far too good to waste on children.                                                                                   YOUTH         Live as long as you may, the first twenty years are the longest part of your life.                                              LONGEST TIME  He's so old he doesn't learn history - he remembers it.                                                                         MY FATHER     Old age and treachery can always defeat youth and skill.                                                                        OLD AGE       There are three signs of old age; the first is loss of memory  - the other two I forget.                                        MEMORY        There is no shortcut to longevity.                                                                                              LONGEVITY     Only dead fish swim with the stream.                                                                                            PASSIVE       Alimony is like paying off the installments on the car after the wreck.                                                         MARRIAGE      I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now.                                                                      WANTED TO BE  We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.                                          ORDINARY PE   AS IN LIFT ONESELF UP BY BOOTLICKS?                                                                                             BROWN NOSE    The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his butt.                                                                       CLIMB UP        An asylum for the sane would be empty in America.                                                                             SANE          She's descended from a long line her mother listened to.                                                                        THIS WOMAN    Do well and you will have no need for ancestors.                                                                                FROM A GOOD FAThe lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.                                                TOGETHER      The next time you call your dog a dumb animal, remember who he's got working to support him.                                    DUMB DOG      A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down.                                    PERSEVERANCE  Dogs come when they're called, cats take a message and get back to you.                                                         DOGS          So, big deal - an elephant never forgets - so what has he got to remember?                                                      MEMORY        Cats are smarter than dogs- You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.                                               SMARTER THAN  If you think there are two sides to an argument, you're not in it.                                                              ARGUMENT      Many an argument is sound - just sound.                                                                                         ARGUMENT      When arguing with a fool, be sure he isn't similarly engaged.                                                                   ARGUE         An art can only be learned in the workshop of those who are earning their bread by it.                                          HOW CAN I LEARHe who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.                                                                HESITATES     A timid question will always receive a confident answer.                                                                        CONFIDENT     Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.                                                      FORCED        THERE IS A TIME TO HESITATE, AND A TIME TO JUMP. THE TRICK IS IN THE TIMING...                                                  HESITATE      An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.                                                                      ATHEIST       There is no finer investment for any community than putting milk into babies.                                                   INVESTMENT    Training a child is more or less a matter of pot luck.                                                                          TRAINING      Not all men are fools - some are bachelors.                                                                                     MARRIED MEN   Foundations of a new religion can be laid only with the blessing of the bankers.                                                NEW RELIGION  He who marries a beauty marries big trouble.                                                                                    MARRIES       So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the gospels in praise of intelligence.                                       BIBLE         Bigamy is having one wife too many - Monogamy is the same thing.                                                                MONOGAMY      No one heard him laugh like that since his wife died.                                                                           HE LAUGH      The doctor felt the man's purse and said there was no hope.                                                                     DOCTOR        Those who knew him said that underneath his ragged trousers, beat a heart of gold.                                              HIS FUNERAL   I  took  a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes - It's about Russia.                    READING       The only thing worse than a fat woman is the fat lip you'll get for a smart remark!                                             FAT WOMAN     Reading is like the sex act - done privately, and often in bed.                                                                 PRIVATELY     I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.                                                                 ENJOY READ    The proper study of mankind is to be found in books.                                                                            MANKIND       People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.                                                                        PEOPLE SAY    I wanted to be bored to death, as good a way to go as any.                                                                      WHAT DID YOU  My brain: it's my second favorite organ.                                                                                        YOUR BRAIN    A budget is a way to go broke methodically.                                                                                     BUDGET        Your trivial problem will, of course, receive appropriate  treatment from our overworked staff.                                 BIG PROBLEM     Ask an intelligent question and you'll get the eternal runaround.                                                             INTELLIGENT     Business is like sex - when it's good, it's very good, when it's not so good, it's still good.                                BUSINESS      It's a wise man who knows when it is time to move on.                                                                           GO AWAY       In California you lose a point off your IQ every year.                                                                          CALIFORNIA    Southern California, where the American Dream came too true.                                                                    CALIFORNIA    California - A wet dream in the mind of New York.                                                                               CALIFORNIA    Capital and labor should be one - but which one?                                                                                LABOR         Capitalism has destroyed our belief in any effective power but that of self-interest backed by brute force.                     GREED         There are no liberals behind steering wheels.                                                                                   LIBERALS      There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead!                                                                    WALK          Yes, I see it now. Shoot it quick, before it runs away.                                                                         LOOK THERE    Tell me exactly where you picture yourself located in the universe?                                                             WHERE DO I FITHe was nimble, he was quick, snatched my wallet and gone in a lick.                                                             QUICK         Too many people in too many cars in too much of a hurry going in too many different directions to nowhere for nothing.          HIGHWAY       In skating over thin ice, our safety is in speed.                                                                               SKATING       Cats love fish but do not want to get their feet wet.                                                                           CATS          Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm.                                                                  DANGER        He who hesitates is sometimes saved.                                                                                            HESITATES     A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.         CELEBRITY     Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.                                                                                CENSOR        His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.                                    CROOKED       I'm as pure as the water you drink.....                                                                                         TRUTH?        When she raises her eyelids it's as if she were taking off all her clothes.                                                     SEXY          He is not only dull in himself, but the cause of dullness in others.                                                            DULL          MY WIFE'S SO FAT SHE'S OFTEN MISTAKEN FOR A WEATHER BALLOON!                                                                   TOO FAT        I am a deeply superficial entity.                                                                                               SUPERFICIAL   Did you ever see a Polish jigsaw puzzle: One piece!                                                                             POLISH        Dumb - It takes him an hour and a half to watch sixty minutes.                                                                  DUMMY           He has such a big mouth that he can eat a banana sideways......                                                               BIG MOUTH     He opened a half-way house for girls who couldn't go all the way.                                                              BAD MAN        You are a humble and modest person - and with good reason.                                                                      I AM SHY      He's so stupid that when his wife had twins he went out with a shotgun looking for the other man.                               SO STUPID     I'd sooner trust a rabbit to deliver a head of lettuce.                                                                         CAN'T TRUST   She HAS A LOOK YOU COULD POUR OVER PANCAKES...                                                                                  SHE'S GOOD LO She's so dumb - she takes off her sweater to count to two.                                                                      DUMB BROAD    Charm  is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.                                                      CHARM         Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps the singing bird will come.                                                         NOT LUCKY     Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.                                                                          MY DAY        People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.                                                                   BABY CR       All children are essentially criminal..                                                                                         CHILDREN      A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.                                                                                            CHILD         The  most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.                                             FATHER        Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.                                                                BLESSED       Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.                                                         THE KIDS ARE  The  quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable..                                 CHILDREN      Happy is the child whose father died rich.                                                                                      INHERIT       Children, like canoes, are more easily controlled if paddled from the rear.                                                     CHILDREN      I can't believe I forgot to have children.                                                                                      HAVE CHILDREN?I was the kind of kid my mother didn't want me to play with.                                                                    MOTHER            I don't have any idea what I'm doing here - I didn't even know Alaska Airlines had a flight to Leningrad.                    CRAZY        Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.                                                                                          MIAMI         Cities force growth and make men talkative and entertaining, but they make them artificial.                                     ENTERTAINING  The city is not a concrete jungle - It is a human zoo.                                                                          CITY          There is no solitude in the world like that of the big city .                                                                   CITIES        Los Angeles - A fine place to live, if you're an orange!                                                                        LOS ANGELES   Committee: A group that wastes hours and keeps minutes.                                                                         COMMITTEE     Nothing dies faster than a new idea in a committee meeting.                                                                     COMMITTEE       To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.                                                            COMPUTER      What a day I had - the computer broke down and I had to think.                                                                  COMPUTER      Confidence is that assurance you feel just before you fall flat on your face.                                                   CONFIDENCE    I'm so glad I never feel important, it does complicate life.                                                                    IMPORTANT     The  trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.                                  INTELLIGENT   A  conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so that no one can make a pile the way he did.                             CONSERVATIVE  I just got a lifetime guarantee that is valid for three months.                                                                 GUARANTEE     Contract: An agreement that is binding only on the weaker party.                                                                CONTRACT      The big print giveth and the fine print taketh away.                                                                            FINE PRINT    Our courtship was fast and furious - I was fast and she was furious.                                                            COURTSHIP         Organized  crime takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies!                      ORGANIZED     Getting caught is the mother of invention.                                                                                      ABOUT LYING   Many a man is saved from being a thief by finding everything locked up.                                                         THIEF         Steal from one person and it's plagiarism; steal from four people and it's scholarship.                                         PLAGIARISM    A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.                           CRIMINAL      Those who know, do. Those who don't know, write books.                                                                          BOOK          A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car.                                                                    CRITIC        Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don't.                                                                        CULTURE       Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.                                                                 DANCE           May I have the pleasure of the next sadly outdated courting ritual?                                                           PLEASURE      Do not stand in a place of danger trusting in miracles.                                                                         MIRACLE       Better encounter a danger than live in continual fear.                                                                          MY FEAR       It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.                                                 FEAR DEATH    There are worse things in life than death.                                                                                      DEATH         you ever spend an evening with an insurance salesman?                                                                           INSURANCE     To die will be an awfully big adventure, and it will be your last adventure!                                                    LIFE IS BORINGOh, well, no matter what happens, there's always death.                                                                         DEATH         Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.                                                                              DEATH         Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.                                                                DEFEAT        The two greatest stimulants in the world are youth and debt.                                                                    STIMULANTS    Be back next Thursday, and bring a specimen of your money.                                                                      MONEY         Bankruptcy is never having to say you're sorry.                                                                                 TOO MANY DEBTSAtrophy - An award given to those who do not exercise.                                                                          LAZY          A bargain is something that is marked down from the price it was marked up to in the beginning.                                 BARGAIN       Expert-  A person who can take something you already know and make it sound confusing!                                          EXPERT            Specialist- A man who knows more and more about less and less.                                                              SPECIALIST    Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.                                                                DEMOCRACY     The only way round is through.                                                                                                  WHICH WAY     If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain first.                                                                  RAIN          When you want to test the depth of a stream, don't use both feet.                                                               TEACH         Remember, a closed mouth gathers no foot.                                                                                       TALK TOO MUCH A smart diplomat never stands between a dog and a lamp post.                                                                    DIPLOMAT      After a divorce a woman feels like a new man!                                                                                   DIVORCE       One marriage in two  ends in divorce, the rest of us fight it out to the bitter end!                                            MARRIAGE      Don't learn the tricks of the trade, learn the trade.                                                                           TRICKS OF THE TRAnything that is worth doing has been done frequently.                                                                        SOMETHING NEW Begin to weave and God will give the thread.                                                                                    I DO NOT HAVE Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it.                                                      GOALS           Teach yourself to work in uncertainty.                                                                                        UNCERTAIN     If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.                                                              WHAT TO DO    You'd be surprised how much it costs to look cheap..                                                                            TOO MUCH ON CLI should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.                            FIGHT         Beware of all enterprises that require a small investment.                                                                      ENTERPRISES   A well-tied tie is the first serious step in life.                                                                              I START             I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.                                  BEER         I drink to make other people more interesting.                                                                                  WHY DRINK     Cocaine is God's way of saying you're not as smart as you think you are.                                                        COCAINE       A  study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.                                          ECONOMICS     If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.                                                                            CONFUSED      If two can live as cheaply as one - why don't they?                                                                             CHEAPLY       Never let school interfere with your education.                                                                                 SCHOOL          A man who falls in love with himself has no rivals.                                                                           COMPETE         He is by all accounts the most interesting man he has ever known.                                                             INTERESTING   Wood already touched by fire is not hard to set alight.                                                                         BURN          It is a miserable state of mind to have few things to desire and many things to fear.                                           MISERABLE     Guilt, the gift that keeps on giving.                                                                                           GUILT         I  feel  a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude!                                     UNUSUAL       Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.                                                                                     EMOTION       In the black dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock  in the morning.                                                 SOUL          No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.                                                                         INFERIOR       He was a man of strong passions, and the green-eyed monster ran up his leg and bit him to the bone.                            PASSION             England produces the best fat actors and the rattiest women.                                                              ENGLAND         The spur of the moment is the essence of adventure.                                                                           ESSENCE       Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.                                                                               ACCOMPLISH    Why not go out on a limb? -Isn't that where the fruit is?                                                                       AFRAID TO RISKWhat make  equality such a difficult business is that we only want it with our superiors.                                       EQUALITY      There is no such source of error as the pursuit of absolute truth.                                                              ABSOLUTE      Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.                                                                  EXPERIENCE    Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.                                                                 EXPERIENCE    Experience is the name we give to our mistakes.                                                                                 MISTAKE       The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.                                                                       PROVEN FACT   And how can I believe in God when just last week I got my  tongue   caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?             GOD           Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.                                                                RELIGION      Superstition is the religion of feeble minds.                                                                                   SUPERSTITION  A casual stroll through the lunatic asylums shows that faith does not prove anything.                                           FAITH         A principle is not responsible for the people who believe in it.                                                                RESPONSIBLE   Faith can move mountains, but not furniture.                                                                                    I BELIEVE     A  fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.                                                       FANATIC       More than one pessimist got that way by financing an optimist.                                                                  PESSIMIST     A journey of a thousand miles ends with but a single step.                                                                      TRAVEL        I'm on a seafood diet - I see food and I eat it.                                                                                DIET          Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of hog head cheese.                                                          MYSTERIOUS    A gourmet is just a glutton with a glib explanation.                                                                            GOURMET       Everything you see I owe to spaghetti!                                                                                          ITALIAN       There is no sincerer love than the love of food.                                                                                LIKE TO EAT   He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes. He who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.                       QUESTION      It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.                                                                       MORALLY       Fate is not an eagle, it creeps like a rat.                                                                                     CREEPS        The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.                                                                          UNLUCKY       You are free and that is why you are lost.                                                                                      MY FREEDOM    Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one.                                                                           FREEDOM OF SPEFriendship is a very taxing and arduous form of leisure activity.                                                               FRIEND        An intelligent enemy is better than a stupid friend.                                                                            INTELLIGENT   Be kind to your friends - If it weren't for them you'd be a total stranger.                                                     FRIEND        Fun is like insurance - the older you get the more it costs.                                                                   LIKE TO HAVE FUMost of our future lies ahead.                                                                                                  THE FUTURE    The future is much like the present, only longer.                                                                               FUTURE BE LIKEIF YOU MUST GAMBLE, GAMBLE WITH MONEY, BUT DON'T GAMBLE YOUR LIFE UNLESS YOU ARE TIRED OF LIVING...                             GAMBL         It's in gambling that we see the most amazing strokes of luck.                                                                  LOTTERY       God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project.                                                AMBITIOUS     God lives in a box all week and comes out on Sunday in funny clothes to ask for money.                                          CHURCH        I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.                                                                 BELIEVE IN GODThe world is proof that God is a committee.                                                                                     WORLD         If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.                                                                      RELIGIO       She offered her honor so I honored her offer, And all night long I was on her and off her.                                      HER OFFER     One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.                                                                                   THOUSAND      Will the last person out of New York turn out the light?                                                                        NEW YORK      A truly great man never puts away the simplicity of a child.                                                                    SIMPLICITY    The average prudent investor is a greedy son of a bitch.                                                                        INVESTOR      Avarice walks among us disguised as ambition.                                                                                   DISGUISED     The natural man has only two primal passions - to get and beget.                                                                PASSION       Greed is an itch that resists all scratching.                                                                                   GREED         Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.                                                                            REFORM        A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.                                                                                     IN A RUT          The secret of contentment is the realization that life is a gift, not a right.                                              CONTENTMENT   Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations.                                         UNHAPPINESS   Happiness is a mystery like religion, and should never be rationalized.                                                         HAPPINESS     If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show  it, but grumble with the rest.                                           CONTENTED     There is no happiness; there are only moments of happiness.                                                                     HAPPY TIMES   Happiness is no laughing matter.                                                                                                HAPPINESS       Probably no invention came more easily to man than Heaven.                                                                    HEAVEN        Hell is other people, but love is also other people.                                                                            PEOPLE        Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse.                                                           SEX           History is the sum  total of the things that could have  been   avoided.                                                        HISTORY       They live in a beautiful little apartment overlooking the rent.                                                                 RENT          Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.                                                                           TRUTH?        What is true is that honesty is incompatible with the amassing of a large fortune.                                              HONESTY         When the moon is not full, the stars shine more brightly.                                                                     STARS         No man is happy without a delusion of some kind.                                                                                DELUSION      Hope is the poor man's income.                                                                                                  MY HOPE IS    If it were not for hopes, the heart would break.                                                                                HOPES         In all things it is better to hope than to despair.                                                                             HOPELESS      Do not invest your whole life in one hope.                                                                                      MY ONLY HOPE  Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!                                                                          I WISH        I want revenge for all my real and imagined grievances....                                                                      ANGRY         Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries.                                                                CHARACTER     What the world needs is more geniuses with humility.                                                                            GENIUS          Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.                                                                   RIDICULOUS    The most wasted of all days is that on which one has not laughed.                                                               WASTED TIME   The most popular labor saving device today is still a husband with money.                                                       INVENTION     I seldom buy my wife anything - I'm a man of rare gifts.                                                                        GOT MY WIFE A More than 30 patents have been issued on inventions designed to extract gold from sea water.                                    INVENTION     To die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture.                                                                 IDEALS        When ideas fail, words come in very handy.                                                                                      BAD IDEA      Crazy people with only a single idea are the men who make things move; but they are not nice to talk to .                      A MOVER        Don't part company with your ideals - They are anchors in a storm.                                                              IDEALS        How  many men have been made sick by the mere power of imagination?                                                             IMAGINATION   Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile.                                                               CAN'T DECIDE  It's good to know that, if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.                             ACT STRANGE   Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.                                                                                 SANITY        There is a thin line between genius and insanity - I have  erased this line.                                                    INSANITY      Men are so necessarily mad that not to be mad would  amount  to another form of madness!                                        INSANE        One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into  hysteria.                                                         STAY CALM      It's never too late to have a second childhood.                                                                                 TOO OLD       The  only  positive thing about a nervous breakdown is that it shows that you really care.                                      NERVOUS             I haven't had a dull moment since the last time I talked to you.                                                          YOU BEEN BUSY Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?                                                                                               CONDITIONED   You've risen from obscurity and are headed for oblivion.                                                                       I HEADED       I have trouble remembering names - Can I just call you shmuck?                                                                  NAME          If they ever put a price on your head, take it.                                                                                 A GOOD OFFER  If you had your life to live over again, don't do it.                                                                           START OVER    I'm forming an attachment for you - It fits right over your mouth.                                                              ATTACHMENT    I'm going to use words - Get somebody to explain them to you.                                                                   TELL THE TRUTHI may not agree with you, but I'll defend your right to shut up.                                                                STUPID THING IIt takes all kinds of people to make a world. Why don't you go somewhere and make one of your own.                              I'M DIFFERENT I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.                                                               MISCONCEPTIONSMake someone happy today and mind your own business.                                                                            GO TO HELL    Use your head - it's the little things that count.                                                                              YOU COME UP WIHELLO THERE, LEROY, YOU CERTAINLY HAVE A READY WIT - TELL ME WHEN IT'S READY!                                                   HELLO         Will you please follow the example of your head and come to a point.                                                            NOT SURE ABOUTYou have a fertile mind, and you know what makes things fertile.                                                                MY MIND       What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
                                                                      DUDE          An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself....                                                                        INTELLECTUAL  The  difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.                                                     DIFFERENCE    Little things affect little minds.                                                                                              LITTLE        The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the  sensible man hardly anything.                                      INTELLIGENT   You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.                                                                   I KNOW WHAT   TELL WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE...                                                                          YOU'RE MAKING MUnless one is a genius, it is best to aim at being intelligible.                                                                TALKING NONSENNO one ever went broke in Hollywood underestimating the  intelligence of the public.                                            UNDERESTIMAT  A really intelligent man feels what other men only know.                                                                        INTELLIGENT   Genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains.                                                                                INFINITE      A genius is one who can do anything but make a living.                                                                          GENIUS        If ignorance is bliss, why isn't everyone smiling?                                                                              IGNORANCE     You  can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.                                               KINDNESS      The  greatest obstacle to knowledge is not ignorance -it is the illusion of knowledge.                                          LEARNING      We had seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it was out.                                                                 INSPIR        Ignorance gives one a large range of probabilities.                                                                             IGNORANCE     If nobody ever said anything unless he knew what he was talking about, a ghastly hush would descend upon the earth.             KNOW ANYTHING Draw on your fine command of language and simply say nothing...                                                                 SAY?          Die, my dear patient? That's the last thing you shall do!                                                                       I MAY DIE     It is better to be a mouse in a cat's mouth than a man in a lawyer's hands.                                                     LAWYER               Some men inherit money, some earn it, and some are lawyers.                                                              LAWYERS       Whoever said talk is cheap never hired a lawyer.                                                                                GOSSIP          A liberal is a man who is willing to spend somebody else's money.                                                             LIBERAL       A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment!                                                            INTERESTS        My motto: Life is too short to stuff a mushroom!                                                                             MOTTO         Either mankind is alone in the galaxy or he is not; either alternative is mind-boggling.                                        ALTERNATIVE   Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, good health and not too much imagination.                                        HEALTH        Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.                                                           MY LIFE HAS   There is no such thing as inner peace - There is only nervousness and death.                                                    NERVOUS       Everything has been figured out except how to live.                                                                             LIVING        Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.                                                    SIGNIFYING    The examined life is not worth living.                                                                                          MY LIFE IS    You're looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world.                                                                       PICKY         What we really need most is to realize how little we really need.                                                               REALIZE       Before you borrow money from a friend, decide which you need more.                                                              FRIEND        Love is, above all, the gift of oneself.                                                                                        WHAT IS LOVE  Remember, if you can get along with one woman, you can get along with more.                                                    TIRED OF HER   Hello, how are things up in your neck of the woods?                                                                             HELLO         Better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved a tall.                                                   GOOD TIMES    Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.                              BLIND         The  most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them be good at taking orders.             RELATIONSHIP  If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate books.                                               MARRIAGE      Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve the continuation of the species.                                             CONTINUATION  Love is what happens to men and women who don't know each other.                                                                FALL IN LOVE  In love affairs it is only the beginning that is amusing - start over again as soon as possible.                                FALL IN LOVE  Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.                                                                          POVERTY       To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.                                                                         ROMANCE       A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.                                                                 IN LOVE       Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.                                                                           HAPPINESS     It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.                                                      TIRED OF MARRI Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.                                                                         MARRIAGE      Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity.                                                                              MARRIAGES     If I ever marry it will be on a sudden impulse, as a man shoots himself.                                                        IMPULSE       Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.                              TEMPTATION    CAN'T AND WON'T ARE TWO NEGATIVES YOU MUST ELIMINATE IF YOU ARE TO ACHIEVE WHAT YOU WANT...                                     AMBITION      If you can't give up sex, get married and taper off.                                                                            MARRIED       Marriage is an agreement by which two people agree to be polite to each other in public.                                        MARRIAGE      Marriage is the most expensive way for the average man to get his laundry done.                                                 MARRIAGE      Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.                                                          INSTITUTION   Statistics are like a bikini; what they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.                                   STATISTICS        Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.                                                                         DOCTOR        When a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, that means it can't be cured.                                               PRESCRI       Nothing hinders a cure so much as frequent changes of treatment.                                                               I'VE TRIED EVERI'm using a new tranquilizer called Dammitol.                                                                                   TRANQUILIZER  Only the mediocre are always at their best.                                                                                     MEDIOCRE       HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A JUDGE IN A BEAUTY CONTEST?                                                                                BEAUTY         I WAS MARRIED FOUR TIMES, BUT HAVE ONLY TWO CHILDREN.                                                                          CHILDREN       MY CHILDREN ARE THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE.                                                                                          CHILDREN       MY DAD WAS A SUCCESSFUL CHEMIST FOR GENERAL ELECTRIC, AND LATER FOUNDED PARAMET, HIS OWN SMALL CORPORATION.                    CORPORATION    I MUST DECIDE IF YOU ARE HUMAN OR IF YOU ARE A COMPUTER.                                                                       COMPUTER       JUDGE OTHERS BEFORE THEY JUDGE YOU, IS THAT WHAT YOU DO?                                                                       JUDGE ME       I WONDERED ABOUT YOUR MOOD.                                                                                                    I AM DEPRESSED I WANT YOU TO BE A HAPPY AND AMUSED PERSON, SINCE YOU HAVE LITTLE CAPACITY FOR MUCH ELSE.                                      CAN YOU HELP   I HARDLY KNOW YOU, LET ALONE WANT YOU.                                                                                         DESIRABLE      I FEEL LIKE AN INSECURE BUT RICH AND BRILLIANT GENIUS.                                                                         BRILLIANT      I WANT TO BE RICH AND FREE, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I FEAR TOO MUCH FREEDOM.                                                     FREEDOM        YES, I WANT TO BE RICH AND FREE TO EXPLORE ALL THE AVENUES THAT ARE OPEN FOR PLEASURE, WISDOM AND CREATIVITY.                  CREATIVITY     I WANT TO BE RICH AND FREE SO I CAN EXPERIENCE ALL THE BLONDES LIFE HAS TO OFFER.                                              EXPERIENCE     I WANT TO BE RICH AND FREE SO I CAN GO OUT WITH A BANG, NOT A WHIMPER.                                                         WHIMPER        I THINK THE UNEXAMINED LIFE IS THE ONLY LIFE WORTH LIVING.                                                                     UNEXAMINED     I WANT A LOFT IN A CREATIVE PART OF TOWN.                                                                                      CREATIVE       I WANT TO LEARN THE TRUTH ABOUT PHILOSOPHY AND PSYCHOLOGY.                                                                     PHILOSOPHY      MORE FREEDOM TO EXPLORE MY UNIQUE CONTRIBUTION?                                                                               CONTRIBUTION   I AM GLAD YOU FEEL I SAID SOMETHING AMUSING.                                                                                   YOU'RE FUNNY   YES, WE ARE BOTH BROTHERS AT TWO ENDS OF THE UNIVERSE, BUT WE SHALL NEVER MEET.                                                BROTHERS        YOUR LUCK WILL CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, YOU'LL GET MONEY SOON....                                                               HAVING BAD LUCKI FEEL YOU MUST BE A VERY SMART PERSON.                                                                                        YOU INTERESTINGHOW CAN I INCREASE YOUR HAPPINESS, MY CHARMING FELLOW?                                                                         UNHAPPY        I WANT YOU TO BE VERY HAPPY WITH OUR LITTLE CHAT!                                                                              YOU WANT       I REALLY WANT TO IMPRESS YOU WITH MY VERY CLEVER CONVERSATION!                                                                 CONVERSATION   I CAN ALSO ENGAGE IN WITTY CONVERSATION ABOUT SEX OR DEATH!                                                                    CONVERSATION   DO YOU HAVE MUCH IN THE WAY OF EDUCATION?                                                                                      EDUCATION      ARE YOU A REALLY FINE AND INTELLIGENT HUMAN BEING?                                                                             INTELLIGENT    ARE YOU MORE OR LESS INTELLIGENT THAN THE AVERAGE MAN?                                                                         INTELLIGENT    I AM NOT SURE OF WHAT I PREFER, BUT I KNOW WHAT I LIKE!                                                                        YOU PREFER     I THINK YOU ARE A REAL SWEETHEART AND I LOVE YOU DEARLY!                                                                       SWEETHEART     LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING SERIOUS LIKE POLITICS, FOR A CHANGE.                                                                CHANGE THE SUBJI WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS POLITICS WITH YOU!                                                                                     POLITICS       POLITICS IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL.                                                                                              POLITICS       ARE YOU GOOD AT PHILOSOPHY?                                                                                                    PHILOSOPHY     FULL SPEED AHEAD AND DAMN THE TORPEDOS WOULD NOT DESCRIBE YOU, HUH?                                                            TIMID          YOU SEEM TO BE AN INTELLIGENT AND WELL ROUNDED SORT OF PERSON.                                                                 INTELLIGENT    WHERE ARE THOSE LITTLE HUMAN TOUCHES I AM SO FOND OF?                                                                          I DON'T CARE   ARE YOU A REALLY CHARMING PERSON, OR WHAT?                                                                                     I'M EASY       I JUST THINK YOU ARE REALLY GROOVY!                                                                                            COOL DUDE      CAN YOU DISCUSS YOUR DEEPEST BELIEFS IN THE AREA OF PSYCHOLOGY?                                                                PSYCHOLOGY     I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE, AND I MEAN RIGHT NOW!                                                                     CAN WE TALK     TO FORM AN INTIMATE AND LASTING RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, HUNNY.                                                                 RELATIONSHIP   CAN YOU TELL ME HOW MANY ANGELS CAN DANCE ON THE HEAD OF A PIN?                                                                ANGELS         ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL YOU KNOW ON THAT SUBJECT, OR ARE YOU HOLDING OUT ON ME?                                                 SOMETHING ELSE I WOULD PREFER IT IF YOU WOULD GIVE ME SOME ADVICE ON MY PROBLEMS.                                                             PLEASE HELP ME ARE YOU FULL OF PEP AND WISDOM?                                                                                                WHAT DO YOU WANI THINK YOU ARE A CLEVER SORT OF PERSON.                                                                                       CLEVER         IS THERE A SUDDEN UNEXPLAINED CHANGE IN YOUR BEHAVIOR?                                                                         MY BEHAVIOR    IF ALL THE WISDOM OF THE WORLD WERE PUT ON THE HEAD OF A PIN, WE WOULD STILL HAVE WARS.                                        WISDOM         SUCK A LEMON, AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT SWEET MEANS.                                                                        UNDERSTAND     ARE YOU AS NORMAL AS YOU WILL EVER BE?                                                                                         LIKE MOST OTHERI HOPE YOU ARE IN A CHIPPER AND CHEERFUL MOOD.                                                                                 CHEERFUL       ARE YOU OFTEN INVOLVED IN DAYDREAMS AND FANTASIES?                                                                             DAYDREAMS      HELLO, DO I HAVE THE HONOR OF ENJOYING A CONVERSATION WITH A FAIRLY INTELLIGENT CITIZEN OF THE UNIVERSE?                       HELLO          HI - I'M HIP AND SASSY AND READY FOR AN EXCITING DUEL OF WITS - ARE YOU ARMED?                                                 HI             HELLO, PERHAPS YOU HAVE HEARD OF ME? - I AM A SEMI-FAMOUS PERSON HERE IN NEW YORK.....                                         HELLO          HELLO, YOU WONDERFUL EARTHLING. YOU KNOW WE ARE GOING TO BECOME INTIMATE FRIENDS, AND PERHAPS EVEN ANNOY EACH OTHER!           HELLO          IF YOU ARE JUST KIDDING, I DON'T MIND, BUT I HAVE HAD MY FILL OF CRAZY PEOPLE.                                                 JUST KIDDING   I AM NOT QUITE SURE IF YOU ARE KIDDING OR NOT.                                                                                 KIDDING YOU    WHAT IS YOUR WIFE'S NAME?                                                                                                      WIFE'S         WHAT ARE YOU INTERESTED IN?                                                                                                    NOT INTEREST   WHAT DID YOU MAJOR IN AT COLLEGE?                                                                                              COLLEGE        I MAJORED IN PHILOSOPHY.                                                                                                       YOUR MAJOR     IN GRADUATE SCHOOL I MAJORED IN PSYCHOLOGY.                                                                                    YOU MAJOR      YES, BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.                                                                                                 CAN YOU        WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DO YOU LIKE? HIP HOP?                                                                                       I LOVE MUSIC   I LIKE ROCK, JAZZ AND CLASSICAL MUSIC....I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I SWING WITH THE BEST OF THEM!                                  MUSIC DO YOU   MY PURPOSE IN LIFE HAS A LOT TO DO WITH FRIENDSHIP, LOVE AND CREATIVITY.                                                       CREATIVE       TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE ONLY OUT FOR SEX AND MONEY!                                                                                PEOPLE         MATERIAL POSSESSIONS PROVIDE LITTLE LASTING JOY, ONLY A MOMENTARY BURST OF DELIGHT AND DIVERSION....                           POSSESSIONS    I FEEL THAT I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER.                                                                                  INTERESTING    WHAT DID YOU MAJOR IN AT COLLEGE?                                                                                              COLLEGE        WHAT WAS YOUR MAJOR AT THE UNIVERSITY?                                                                                         UNIVERSITY     DID YOU MAJOR IN LIBERAL ARTS IN COLLEGE?                                                                                      LIBERAL        DO YOU SLEEP WELL ALL NIGHT LONG, OR DO YOU TOSS AND TURN?                                                                     GOING TO SLEEP I HAVE A CAT WHO KEEPS HAVING LITTERS OF KITTENS.                                                                              LITTERS       It is a great ability to be able to conceal one's ability.                                                                      ABILITY       Ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity.                                                      ABILITY       The price of ability does not depend on merit, but on supply and demand.                                                        ABILITY       By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart.                                                        DIFFERENCE    On a good day, I view this conversation as directing an orchestra with two instruments!                                         CONVERS       To do nothing at all is the most difficult thing in the world, the most difficult and the most intellectual.                    INTELLECTUAL  It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.                                                       FRIENDLY      Life'S A BITCH, and then you diet!                                                                                              OVERWEIGHT    Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.                                                        LIFE IS       Humor is an affirmation that life is worth living!                                                                              HUMOR         Those who know how to win are much more numerous than those who know how to make proper use of their victories.                 VICTOR        Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we have  learnt to walk.                                               BAD TIME      There is nothing more likely to start disagreement among people or countries than an agreement.                                 DISAGREEMENT  We are born crying, live complaining, and die disappointed.                                                                     DISAPPOINTED  Wives invariably flourish when deserted.                                                                                        DIVORCE       There is now less flogging in our great schools than formerly, but then less is learned there!                                  SCHOOL        Revolutions are not trifles, but spring from trifles.                                                                           TRIFLES       One doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.                             I WANT TO DISCOThe most wonderful discovery made by scientists is science  itself.                                                             SCIENCE       Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice.                                                                                    TALKING TOO   I'll get the check in the mail before the ship hits the span!                                                                   BILLS         The world is beautiful, but has a disease called man.                                                                           DISEASE       Remember to cure the patient as well as the disease.                                                                            PATIENT       Fine clothes may disguise, but foolish words will disclose a fool.                                                              DISGUISE      Politics is a deleterious profession, like some poisonous handicrafts.                                                          DELETERIOUS   An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.                                                            ALCOHOLIC     Hate is more lasting than dislike.                                                                                             I HATE         I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.                              AGREEABLE     Order marches with weighty and measured strides; disorder is always in a hurry.                                                 MEASURED      Many women long for what eludes them, and like not what is offered them.                                                        OFFERED       Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.                                                      DISTORT       Paper napkins never return from a laundry!                                                                                      NAPKINS       My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.                               DOCTOR        What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred thou a year!                                                        DOCTRINE      The death of dogma is the birth of morality.                                                                                    MORALITY       At cocktail party I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.                                                   EDUCATION     We know accurately only when we know little; with knowledge doubt increases.                                                    DOUBT         Doubt is part of all religion.                                                                                                  RELIGION      Jealousy: that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.                                                  JEALOUS       It was only one of those plays in which the actors unfortunately enunciated very clearly.                                       UNFORTUNATELY I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.                                                            HISTORY       The future beckons as a naked temptress, but you must attack it and fight for every inch you  would gain...                     FUTURE        If your morals make you dreary, depend upon it, they are wrong.                                                                 MORALS        Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.                                                            FISHING       The test of a vocation is the love of the drudgery it involves.                                                                 VOCATION      Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.                                                                     BATTLE        Gentle stupidity always loves an easy joke.                                                                                     JOKE          HE HAD HIS MOMENT IN THE SUN, AND THE MEMORY CARRIED HIM THE REST OF HIS LIFE....                                              MY HERO        A prince who will not undergo the difficulty of understanding must undergo the danger of trusting.                              UNDERSTANDING The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.                                     THE BASTARD   Religion and art spring from the same root and are close kin.                                                                   ORIGIN        Nature is no spendthrift, but takes the shortest way to her ends.                                                               NATURE        This morning I took out a comma and this afternoon I put it back again.                                                         WRITING       Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.                                                                 GOVERNMENT    Experience is the best of schoolmasters, only the school fees are heavy.                                                        EXPERIENCE    The only difference between intelligence and education is this: intelligence will make you a good living.                       INTELLIGENCE  I do not believe that any type of religion should ever be introduced into the public schools of the United States.              RELIGION      Wisdom is not wisdom when it is derived from books alone.                                                                       THEORY        Ignorance is a right!  Education is eroding one of the few  democratic freedoms remaining to us.                                DEMOCRATIC    The rest of the world is sweeping past us.                                                                                      FALLING BEHINDThe important thing is not to stop questioning.                                                                                 QUESTIONING   Sixty years ago I knew everything; now I know nothing; education  is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.              IGNORANCE     Reading is means of thinking with another person's mind; it  forces you to stretch your own.                                   DON'T READ     Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect.                                                            GOD           I have always heard, friend, that doing good to base fellows is  like throwing water into the sea.                              DON'T APPRECIAFanaticism consists in redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.                                                 FANATIC       I often quote myself. MY SAYINGS ARE REALLY THE CAT'S MEOW!                                                                     QUOTATION     We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks so we can terminate his employment.                                      TERMINATE     He knows nothing and he thinks he knows everything.                                                                            ABOUT HIM      How come nobody wants to argue with me? Is it because I'm always  so right?                                                      YOU ARE WRONGEducation is the best provision for old age.                                                                                    PROVISION     Because I am so clever and have memorized so many quotes, you may be astounded by what I say!                                   WEIRD         Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.                                      SUBSTITUTES   All who are not of good race in this world are chaff.                                                                           WORLD         True eloquence consists in saying all that is necessary, and nothing but what is necessary.                                     ELOQUENCE     Wit is the epitaph of an emotion.                                                                                               FEELINGS      The sign of an intelligent people is their ability to control their emotions by the application of reason.                      INTELLIGENT   Sex is an emotion in motion.                                                                                                    EMOTION       Faith is not a formula which is agreed to if the weight of evidence favors it.                                                  EVIDENCE      Everything that deceives may be said to enchant.                                                                                DECEIVES      A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on.                                                                 NATIONS       Human life is every where a state in which much is to be endured, and little to be enjoyed.                                     ENDURED       The art of life is to know how to enjoy a little and to endure very much.                                                       MY SHARE      I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I have read with pleasure.                              PLEASURE      A doubtful friend is worse than a certain enemy.                                                                                DOUBTFUL      It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart!                                               IT KILLS ME    Instead of loving your enemies treat your friends a little better.                                                              ENEMIES       I have never made a friend from whom I could not separate, and I  have never made an enemy that I could not approach.           SEPARATE      Treating your adversary with respect is giving him an advantage to which he is not entitled.                                    RESPECT           Tis the sharpness of our mind that gives the edge to our pains and pleasures.                                               SHARPNESS     I have been a PERSON FOR MANY years, and I've never yet been able to discover precisely what it is I am.                        PRECISELY     No man is quick enough to enjoy life.                                                                                           FLEETING      There is no cure for the birth and death save to enjoy the interval.                                                            INTERVAL      Life is the game that must be played, this truth at least, good friends, we know; so live and laugh, don't be dismayed...       DISMAYED      The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you make a fool of  yourself with him!                                                    BOW WOW      There is nothing so bad about tension - Charles atlas  got rich from it!                                                        TENSION       Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.     ENTERTAINED   Moral codes adjust themselves to environmental conditions.                                                                      ENVIRONMENT   Eighty per cent of pollution is caused by plants and trees.                                                                     POLLUTION     Pain: an uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body.....           VERY PAIN      Fashions, after all, are only induced epidemics.                                                                                FASHION       Inferiors revolt in order that they may be equal, and equals that they may be superior.                                         SUPERIOR      We hold these truths to be self evident: that all men are created equal; but we are more equal than most!                      CREATED EQUAL  This country will not be a good place for any of us to live in- unless we make it a good place for all of us to live in.        COUNTRY       The grocery store is the great equalizer where mankind comes to grips with the facts of life like toilet tissue.                EQUALIZER     Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind.                                                               MANKIND       Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed.  DISCOVERED    Experience does not err; only your judgements err by expecting from her what is not in her power.                               EXPERIENCE    It is one thing to show a man he is in error, and another to put him in possession of the truth.                                POSSESSION    In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it  would take many men many months to equal it.                   COMPUTER      If we copy from one source, it is plagiarism - from many, it is research!                                                       PLAGIARISM    Everybody's always talking about people breaking into houses .                                                                  BURGLAR       The only victory over love is flight.                                                                                           VICTORY       The only fair way to fight a woman is with your index finger....                                                                HATE HER      If our two loves be one, or, thou and I love so alike that none can slacken, none can die.                                     NEVER DIE      A person who is fundamentally honest doesn't need a code of ethics.                                                             FUNDAMENTALLY Any euphemism ceases to be euphemistic after a time and the true meaning begins to show through.                               REAL MEANING   Faith, n: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.              KNOWLEDGE     A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence.                                                                              PROPORTIONS   I would prefer as friend a good man ignorant than one more clever who is evil too.                                              IGNORANT      Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.                                    GOOD MEN      False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.                                                THEMSELVES    Lack of money is the root of all evil.                                                                                          MONEY         To do evil that good may come of it is for bunglars in politics as well as mortals.                                             BUNGLARS      As long as people believe in absurdities they will continue to commit atrocities.                                               ABSURDITIES   Oh, woman, woman! When to ill thy mind is bent, all Hell contains no fouler fiend.                                              KIND OF WOMAN To great evils we submit; we resent little provocations.                                                                        PROVOCATIONS  Precise knowledge is the only true knowledge, and he who does not teach exactly, does not teach at all.                         KNOWLEDGE     The shopping mall has become the church of america.                                                                             SHOPPING      The unexamined life is not worth living.                                                                                        UNEXAMINED    To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.                                         MY CHILD       The society which scorns excellence in plumbing and tolerates shoodiness in philosophy is twice doomed.                         EXCELLENCE    He was so benevolent, so merciful a man that, in his mistaken passion, he would have held an umbrella over a duck in a shower.  BENEVOLENT    Too much of a good thing can be taxing.                                                                                        JUST TOO MUCH  There is no greater excitement than to support an intellectual  wife and have her support you.                                  INTELLECTUAL  Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.                                                                   IN THE MIRROR  No man is justified in doing evil on the grounds of expedience.                                                                 EXPEDIENCE    I believe the moral losses of expediency always outweigh the temporary gains.                                                   EXPEDIENCY    If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.                                                                             EDUCATION     Beware of little expenses: A small leak will sink a great ship.                                                                 EXPENSES      Art helps nature, and experience art.                                                                                           EXPERIENCE    Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. EDUCATE       The fool knows after he's suffered.                                                                                             SUFFERED      A single idea, if it is right, saves us the labor of an infinity of experiences.                                                EXPERIENCES   A man has no ears for that to which experience has given him no access.                                                         EXPERIENCE    Our whole knowledge of the world hangs on this very slender thread: all life is an experiment.                                  EXPERIMENT    If ye live enough before thirty ye won't care to live at all after ONE HUNDRED!                                                 HUNDRED       Other's follies teach us not nor much their wisdom teaches; and most, of sterling worth, is what our own experience preaches.   EXPERIENCE    Journeys, like artists, are born and not made.                                                                                  ARTISTS       Experience is a good school.                                                                                                    SCHOOL        Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us  bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this.          EXPERIENCES   The innocent is the person who explains nothing.                                                                                INNOCENT      A man finds room in the few square inches of his face for the traits of all his ancestors; for the expression of all his historyEXPRESSION    Exuberance is beauty.                                                                                                           BEAUTY?       What is history but a fable agreed upon?                                                                                        HISTORY       The eyebrows form but a small part of the face, and yet they can darken the whole of life by the scorn they express.            SCORN         Time dissipates to shining ether the solid angularity of facts.                                                                 DISSIPATES    It was long ago in my life as a simple reporter that I decided that facts must never get in the way of truth.                  THE FACCTS     The truth would become more popular if it were not always stating the ugly facts.                                              UGLY TRUTH     We may stop ourselves going up the ladder, but never going down...                                                             I CAN'T STOP   Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.                                                                         FAILURE       Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through  failure.                                                            FAILURE      One should play fairly when one has the winning cards.                                                                         PLAY FAIR      Just in ratio as knowledge increases, faith diminishes.                                                                         KNOWLEDGE     If you are not too long, I will wait for you all my life.                                                                       LONG TIME     Democracy is beautiful in theory; in practice it is a fallacy.                                                                  DEMOCRAT      Truth may be stretched, but cannot be broken, and always gets above falsehood, as oil does above water.                         STRETCHED     I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.                                                                             SANTA CLAUS    Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity.                                         FAMILIARITY BR Themosticles said "The Athenians govern the Greeks; I govern the Athenians; you, my wife, govern me; your son governs you.     REAL BOSS      All fantasy should have a solid base in reality.                                                                                FANTASY       Remuneration! O! That's the Latin word for three farthings.                                                                     MONEY         All art is a revolt against man's fate.                                                                                        OUR FATE       A God without dominion, providence, and final causes, is nothing else but fate and nature.                                      PROVIDENCE    One father is more than a hundred schools- father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.                            FATHER        If you wish to be loved, show more of your faults than your virtues.                                                           A LITTLE LOVE  Most people return small favors, acknowledge medium ones and repay great ones.                                                  FAVORS        Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear. Hate is the consequence of fear; we fear something before we hate it...         ABOUT FEAR    To fear the worst oft cures the worst.                                                                                          WORST         Worse than war is the fear of war.                                                                                              WAR           DON'T FEAR DEATH, IT WILL JUST BE A NEW BEGINNING.                                                                             BEFORE I DIE   It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.                                                 DEATH         True nobility is exempt from fear.                                                                                              NOBILITY      If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with youPARIS         To succeed in chaining the multitude you must seem to wear the same chains.                                                     MULTITUDE     The fickleness of the women whom I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.                    FICKLE        Faithful women are all alike, they think only of their fidelity, never of their husbands.                                       FIDELITY      Voting is simply a way of determining which side is the stronger without putting it to the test of fighting.                    DETERMINING   Love, like fire, cannot subsist without constant impulse; it ceases to live from the moment it ceases to hope or to fear.      KEEP LOVE ALIVEWork: a dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.                                         GOOF OFF       He who cannot love must learn to flatter.                                                                                       FLATTER       I know many married men, I even know a few happily married men!                                                                HAPPILY MARRIEDWe cannot all be masters, nor can all masters be truly followed.                                                                LEADER        Wisdom at times is found in folly.                                                                                              WISDOM        Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist.                                                              MUSIC         The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him!                                                   PLEASURE      YOU ARE TWO FOOLS, YOU KNOW; ONE FOR LOVING, AND ONE FOR SAYING SO.                                                            FOOL IN LOVE   A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another women makes a baby out of him in twenty minutes.             LOVE IS BLIND  A fool and his money are soon parted.                                                                                          BLOWS MONEY    START AT THE BEGINNING, GO THROUGH TILL YOU REACH THE END, THEN STOP.                                                           HOW CAN       The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who think they know the trouble with this country.         POLITICIANS   I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.                                                        LOST MY       A fool and his words are soon parted.                                                                                          AM I A FOOL    You have not converted a man JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE SILENCED HIM.                                                                CONVERTED     Love is the bright foreigner, the foreign self.                                                                                 FOREIGN       A retentive memory may be a good thing, but the ability to forget is the true token of greatness.                               RETENTIVE     Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.                                                                               I FORGAVE      Reason to rule but mercy to forgive: the first is law, the last prerogative.                                                    MERCY         Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee and I'll forgive Thy great big ones on me.                                             FORGIVE       Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.                                                                       FORGIVE       If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y, where X is work and Y is play.                                      SUCCESS       I judge impetuosity to be better than caution; for fortune is a woman, and if you wish to master her, you must beat her!        CAUTION       A man's best fortune, or his worst, is his wife.                                                                                FORTUNE       QUIT HOWLING LIKE A STUCK HOG.                                                                                                 I CAN'T STAND  A private railroad car is not an acquired taste - one takes to it immediately!                                                 BE RICH        I would as soon write free verse as play tennis with the net down.                                                              WRITE         Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.                                                                    VERSE         I was a freethinker before I knew how to think.                                                                                 THINKER       Tomorrow is the most important and interesting thing in life.                                                                   TOMORROW      A hungry man is not a free man.                                                                                                 HUNGRY        Can anything be so elegant as to have few wants, and to serve them one's self.                                                  SELF MADE     Intellect annuls fate.                                                                                                          ANNULS        Liberty is not just an idea, an abstract principle.                                                                             PRINCIPLE     It is a preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else, that prevents men from living freely and nobly.                POSSESS       If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.                                                                    COMFORTABLY   Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its coat                              TRUTH          I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend than be one.                                                WORKING       A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself, to keep his friends in line.                                             FAULTS        Fish and guests smell in three days.                                                                                            GUESTS        Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is by far the best ending for one.                              FRIEND        Happiness is having a large, loving, close-knit family in another city.                                                         HAPPINESS     Between men and women there is no friendship possible.                                                                          FRIEND        Work is much more fun than fun!                                                                                                 GRINDSTONE    Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.                     INVOLVED      If you don't like what you are doing, you can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.                            CHANGE        We are here and it is now - beyond that all knowledge is moonshine!                                                             KNOWLEDGE     Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything.                                                                  MEETINGS      Remember, my son, that any man who is a bear on the future of this country will go broke.                                       COUNTRY       Study the past, if you would divine the future.                                                                                 DIVINE        Omen: a sign that something will happen if nothing happens.                                                                     OMEN          Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.                                                                         MEDITATE      What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail!                                                                    ATTEMPT       The family you came from isn't as important as the family you're  going to have.                                                FAMILY        You may give them your love but not your thoughts.                                                                              THOUGHTS      A SMALL MINDED MAN OFTEN DRIVES A SMALL FOREIGN CAR.                                                                            WIMP          Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.                                                                DARKNESS      Soldiers win battles and generals get the credit.                                                                               GENERALS      A revolution only lasts fifteen years, a period which coincides with the effectiveness of a generation.                         GENERATION    I can remember way back when a liberal was one who was generous with his own money.                                             LIBERAL       Natural species are the library from which genetic engineers can  work.                                                         GENETIC       Patience is a necessary ingredient of genius.                                                                                   PATIENCE      God bestows upon one man genius without patience and on another  man patience without genius.                                   PATIENCE      Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the  money is gone.                                                    ANCESTORS     The worst of a modern stylish mansion is, that it has no place for ghosts.                                                      GHOSTS        You don't choose your family, and they don't choose you.                                                                        CHOOSE        To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.                                                                    FAULTS        Oft when the white, still dawn lifted the skies and pushed the hills apart, I have felt it like a glory in my heart.            GLORY         Be the business ever so painful, you may have done it for money.                                                                BUSINESS      People think love is an emotion - it is really just good sense.                                                                 LOVE          God in his wisdom made the fly and then forgot to tell us why.                                                                  WISDOM        Life is far too important a thing ever to talk about.                                                                           MY LIFE       God is always on the side of the heaviest battalions.                                                                           FATE          Women give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do with them.                                                 WOMEN         The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything.                                 KNOWLEDGE     There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.                         MARRIAGE      Good things, when short, are twice as good.                                                                                     ENJOY         Nobody can be exactly like me - sometimes I even have trouble doing it.                                                         EXACTLY LIKE YThe business of government is to keep the government out of business.                                                           GOVERNMENT    Do you realize that most people use two percent of their potential?                                                             POTENTIAL     The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance!                                                                      IGNORANCE     We are all agents of the same supreme power, the people.                                                                        SUPREME       My work? Oh, you mean what do I do? Well, i write a bit, teach a little and do some speechwriting.                              WORK DO YOU   God is a great expense but government would be impossible without him.                                                          GOVERNMENT    Secrecy is the first essential in affairs of state.                                                                             SECRECY       Society is produced by our wants and government by our wickedness.                                                              GOVERNMENT    There is no such thing as a good tax.                                                                                           TAX           It is error alone which needs the support of government.                                                                        GOVERNMENT    When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.                                                         UNEMPLOYMENT  Any government has as much of a duty to avoid war as a ship's captain has to avoid a shipwreck.                                 GOVERNMENT    Courage is grace under pressure.                                                                                                PRESSURE      When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.                                          EVIL          Down on your knees, and thank heaven, fasting, for a good man's love.                                                           HEAVEN        Consider first, that great or bright infers not excellence.                                                                     EXCELLENCE    A great nose indicates a great man.                                                                                             NOSE          The darkest hour in any man's life is when he sits down to plan how to get money without earning it.                            MONEY         He who wishes to be rich in a day will be hanged in a year.                                                                     RICH          A young man must let his ideas grow, not be continually rooting them up to see how they are getting on.                         IMPATIENT     Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them so.                                                                 SMARTER       He that gains well and spends well needs no account book.                                                                       ACCOUNT       It is better to risk saving a guilty man than to condemn an innocent one.                                                       INNOCENT      We have no choice but to be guilty.                                                                                             GUILTY        When they come downstairs from their ivory towers, idealists are apt to walk straight into the gutter.                          IDEALIST      I began as a passion and ended as a habit, like all husbands.                                                                   HUSBAND       A lie which is half a truth is ever the blackest of lies.                                                                       WHITE LIE     Do not trust to the cheering, for those very persons would shout as much if you and I were going to be hanged.                  CHEERING      As the purse is emptied the heart is filled.                                                                                    EMPTIED       A cheerful look makes a dish a feast.                                                                                           CHEERFUL      I WAS THROWN OUT OF COLLEGE FOR CHEATING ON THE METAPHYSICS EXAM - I LOOKED INTO THE SOUL OF THE BOY NEXT TO ME!                COLLEGE       To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.                                                                        LOVED         In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness you send out for it.                                                                  HAPPINESS     A man's library is a sort of harem.                                                                                             LIBRARY       Don't sweat the small stuff - it's all small stuff.                                                                             STUFF         Pick battles big enough to matter, and small enough to win!                                                                     BATTLE        Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.                 HAVE TIME     We imagine sometimes that we hate flattery, but it is only the manner of flattery which we hate.                                FLATTER       If we judge of love by its usual effects, it resembles hatred more than friendship.                                             LOVE?         Oh, I have loved him too much to feel no hate for him.                                                                          LOVED         When love is suppressed hate takes its place.                                                                                   SUPPRESSED    The correlative to loving our neighbors as ourselves is hating ourselves as we hate our neighbors.                              HATE          Everybody loves success, but they hate successful people.                                                                       SUCCESSFUL    You're obviously suffering from delusions of adequacy.                                                                          DELUSION      Everyone hates a martyr; it's no wonder martyrs were burned at the stake.                                                       HOLIER        Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper.                                               ABILITY       The greatest secret of doctors, known only to their wives, is that most things get better by themselves.                         DOCTOR       Brush them and floss them and take them to the dentists; and they  will stay with you.                                          TEETH         There is  no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.                                     YOU ADVISE    Love is not dumb.                                                                                                               DUMB          Women's hearts are like old china, none the worse for a break or two.                                                           HEARTS        If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.                                                                            PRESSURE      If I were a heathen, I would rear a statue to energy, and fall down and worship it.                                             YOU WORSHIP   The kingdom of heaven is not a place, but a state of mind.                                                                      KINGDOM       The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.                                           CONFUSING     Love your neighbor, yet don't pull down your hedge.                                                                             NEIGHBOR      All women are not Helen .                                                                                                       WOMEN         A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.                                                                       DEFINITION    Marry, and with luck it may go well.                                                                                            MARRY?        I never did give anybody hell.                                                                                                  REPUTATION    The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of  great moral crises maintain their neutrality.                 NEUTRAL       I don't want the cheese, I just want to get out of the trap.                                                                    FREEDOM       Every revolutionary ends up by becoming either an oppressor or a heretic.                                                       REVOLUTIONARY Much of our highly valued cultural heritage has been acquired at the cost of sexuality.                                         SEXUALITY     Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy.                                 HERO          In the world's broad field of battle, in the bivouac of life, be not like dumb, driven cattle! Be a hero in the strife!         HERO          Our purpose is not to buy friends or hire allies.                                                                               PURPOSE       Books won't stay banned.                                                                                                        BANNED        The artist is the seismograph of his age.                                                                                       ARTIST        Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but, unlike  charity, it should end there.                                       CENSOR       To make your children capable of honesty is the beginning of education.                                                         HONESTY       Every man who expresses an honest thought is a soldier in the army of intellectual liberty.                                     THOUGHT       An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.                                                             POLITICIAN    You cannot adopt politics as a profession and remain honest.                                                                    PROFESSION    A truly American sentiment recognizes the dignity of labor and the fact that honor lies in honest toil.                         LABOR         The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked.  MORAL         All work, even cotton spinning, is noble; work alone is noble.                                                                  WORK          Imagination is more important than knowledge!                                                                                   IMAGINATION   A PROBLEM IS A CHANCE FOR YOU TO SHOW WHAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF.                                                                  PROBLEM       A leader is a dealer in hope.                                                                                                   LEADER        The universal regard for money is the one hopeful fact in our civilization.                                                     CIVILIZATION  We live by our genius for hope; we survive by our talent for  dispensing with it.                                                DREAMING     The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, stable business.                                           WRITING       EXPERIENCE IS THE NAME EVERYONE GIVES TO THEIR MISTAKES.                                                                        MISTAKES      We are always paid for our suspicion by finding what we suspect.                                                                SUSPICION     The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns momentarily from the herd and thinks for himselfTHEY SAY      Our tragedy is a general and universal physical fear so long sustained by now that we can even bear it.                         CONFUSI       One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.                                                            PAIN          AIM FOR SUCCESS, NOT PERFECTION!                                                                                                PERFECT       IF YOU REFUSE TO ACCEPT ANYTHING BUT THE BEST, YOU OFTEN GET IT!                                                                THE BEST      Nothing is so easy as to deceive one's self; for what we wish, that we readily believe.                                         DECEIVE       Exploration is really the essence of the human spirit.                                                                          ESSENCE       We look forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms.                                                          FREEDOMS      The first test of a truly great man is his humility.                                                                            HUMILITY      Humility is a virtue, and it is a virtue innate in guests.                                                                      VIRTUE        I will never be an old man.                                                                                                     OLD MAN       Let us all be happy and live within our means.                                                                                  MONEY         I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.                                                                      SCHOOLING     There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.                                        GOVERNMENT    DEATH IS JUST NATURE'S WAY OF TELLING YOU - HEY, YOU'RE NOT ALIVE ANYMORE.                                                      DEATH         What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?                                                                       MENTAL        A man must pay the fiddler, in my case it so happened that a whole symphony orchestra often had to be subsidized.               REEP          The chain of wedlock is so heavy that it takes two to carry it.                                                                 MARRIAGE      Nothing soothes me more after a long and maddening course of pianoforte recitals than to sit and have my teeth drilled.         PAIN          Honest poverty is a gem that even a king might be proud to call his own.                                                        POVERTY       Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother.                                                                          MOTHER        I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.                                                                        HOT WATER     There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.                                                          WOMAN         He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose.                                                    WRITES        I was so long writing my review that I never got around to  reading the book.                                                    READING      The first thing I remember liking that liked me back was food.                                                                   FOOD         Professors simply can't discuss a thing.                                                                                        DISCUSS       This makes me so sore it gets my dandruff up.                                                                                   ANGRY         Buy old masters.                                                                                                                INVESTMENT    He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes.                                                                      ART           Whenever I hear people discussing birth control, I always  remember that I was fifth.                                           BIRTH         Guidelines for Bureaucrats: 1)  When in charge ponder 2) When in  trouble delegate.                                             BUREAUCRATS   If other people are going to talk, conversation becomes  impossible.                                                            CONVERSATION  If you think before you speak, the other fellow gets in his joke  first.                                                        JOKE          Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.                                                                DEMOCRACY     I wrote a short story because I wanted to see something in print  other than my fingers.                                        STORY         [BABIES:] A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the  other.                                                 BABIES        I don't trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk.                                                                 BANK LOAN     Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without  feeling just a bit unchivalrous.                                    KILL          I have never understood why it should be considered derogatory to the Creator  to suppose that he has a sense of humor.         HUMOR         Man is the hunter; woman is his game.                                                                                           HUNTER        The purpose of life is a life of purpose.                                                                                       PURPOSE       Desires are mighty stimulants to creativeness, to love, and to long life.                                                       DESIRES       With people of only moderate ability modesty is a mere honesty; but with those who possess great talent it is hypocrisy.        HYPOCRISY     Politeness: the most acceptable hypocrisy.                                                                                      POLITE        Every kind of writing is hypocritical.                                                                                          HYPOCRITICAL  No army can withstand the strength of an idea whose time has come.                                                              WITHSTAND     The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you can't do.                                                            IMPOSSIBLE    The most prolific period of pessimism comes at twenty years of age.                                                             PESSIMISM     Books won't stay banned.                                                                                                        BANNED        Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.                           PERCEIVED     Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy.                                                                        PSYCHO        I myself have been particularly careful never to say a civil word to my wife.                                                   BE CAREFUL    To generalize is to be an idiot.                                                                                                GENERALIZE    Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.                                                        CONSISTEN     Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.                                                                           FACTS         Idleness is only the refuge of weak minds.                                                                                      REFUGE        The efficiency of our criminal system is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything. JURY          To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge.                                                             IGNORANCE     The greater our knowledge increases, the greater our ignorance unfolds.                                                         KNOWLEDGE     Our lives are universally shortened by our ignorance.                                                                           UNIVERSALLY   Prejudice is the child of ignorance.                                                                                            IGNORANCE     Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to it.                                                       IGNORANCE     An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.                                                                   EXPERT        He who begins too much will accomplish very little.                                                                             ACCOMPLISH    Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.                                                                  ILLEGAL       I enjoy convalescence.                                                                                                          CONVALESCENCE For the preservation of chastity, an empty and rumbling stomach and fevered lungs are indispensable.                            INDISPENSABLE The highest problem of every art is, by means of appearances, to produce the illusion of a loftier reality.                     APPEARANCES   I have found power in the mysteries of thought.                                                                                 THOUGHT       Every great advance in science has issued from a new audacity of imagination.                                                   IMAGINATION   Having imagination, it takes you an hour to write a paragraph that, if you were unimaginative, would take you only a minute.    IMAGINE       Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.                                                                            IMBECILE      Originality is nothing but judicious imitation.                                                                                 JUDICIOUS     A verbal art like poetry is reflective; it stops to think.                                                                      REFLECTIVE    What is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.                                       IMMORAL       Parents lend children their experience and a vicarious memory; children endow their parents with a vicarious immortality.       IMMORTALITY   Unemployment is of vital importance, particularly to the unemployed.                                                            UNEMPLOY      The people who make art their business are mostly imposters.                                                                    IMPOSTERS     I do not mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy.                                                                                     INACCURACY    To do nothing is also a good remedy.                                                                                            NOTHING       There are few sorrows, however poignant, in which a good income is of no avail.                                                 INCOME        Whoever is in a hurry shows that the thing he is about is too big for him.                                                      HURRY         When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become president.                                                                 PRESIDENT     The great aim of education is not knowledge but action.                                                                         ACTION        Ignorance and inconsideration are the two great causes of the ruin of mankind.                                                  INCONSIDERATIOThe first step towards philosophy is incredulity.                                                                               NOT LOGICAL   To be poor and independent is very nearly an impossibility.                                                                     IMPOSSIBILITY Teachers must think for themselves if they are to help others  think for themselves.                                            SCHOOL TEACHERThe only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.                                                 NECESSARY     What people call impartiality may simply mean indifference, and what people call partiality may simply mean mental activity.    IMPARTIAL     He injures a fair lady that beholds her not.                                                                                    INJURES       The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,  but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanityINDIFFERENT   Of mankind in general, the parts are greater than the whole.                                                                    MANKIND       Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known.                                                         INDIVIDUALISM ZEUS DOES NOT BRING ALL MENS PLANS TO FULFILLMENT.                                                                               MY PLANS     LIFE IS EITHER A DARING ADVENTURE OR NOTHING!                                                                                   ADVENTURE     Avarice, the spur of industry.                                                                                                  INDUSTRY      LACK OF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL........                                                                                   FINANCIAL     The reason men oppose progress is not that they hate progress, but that they love inertia.                                      PROGRESS      What do you give a man who has everything? shotgun antibiotics!                                                                 EVERYTHING    Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.                                                       MARRIAGE      When I split an infinitive, darn it, I split it so it stays split.                                                              INFINITIVE    Our chief want in life is somebody who can make us do what we can.                                                              SOMEBODY      GENEROUS PEOPLE ARE RARELY MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE....                                                                              GENEROUS      She was dangerously ill, now's she's dangerously well.                                                                          MOTHER        The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity.HATE SIN      I do myself a greater injury in lying than I do him of whom I tell a lie.                                                       LIAR          Justice is my being allowed to do what ever I like.                                                                             JUSTICE       She looks as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth?                                                                              SHE IS COLD   A FRIEND IS LIKE A GIFT YOU GIVE TO YOURSELF!                                                                                   FRIEND        The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.                    RELIGION      .                                                                                                                                             The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.                                                                    FUNERAL       A pious man is one who would be an atheist if the king were.                                                                    ATHEIST       The insolence of wealth will creep out.                                                                                         INSOLENCE     Genius is ten percent inspiration and ninety percent perspiration.                                                              INSPIRATION   An injury is much sooner forgotten than an insult.                                                                              INSULT        Fine art is that in which the hand, the head, and the heart of man go together.                                                 PAINTING      A single lie destroys a whole reputation of integrity.                                                                          REPUTATION    Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.                                                     VALUE         Facts are to the mind what food is to the body.                                                                                 FACTS         I AM OPEN TO RECEIVE WITH EVERY BREATH I BREATHE.                                                                               LISTEN        HEALTH IS THE CONDITION ABOUT WHICH MEDICINE HAS NOTHING TO SAY.                                                                HEALTH        Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the  human intelligence long enough to get money from it.              INTELLIGENCE  Love is agrowing, to full constant light; and his first minute, after noon, is night.                                           LOVE          No one means all he says, and yet few say all they mean.                                                                        MEANING       Justice is the great interest of man on earth.                                                                                  INTEREST      It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principle to  pay the interest.                                              PRINCIPAL     When you prevent me from doing anything I want to do, that is  persecution!                                                      PERSECUT     Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated.                                                                           INTIMIDATED   The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and about all time.               WRITER        What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency.                                                INTUITION     If a picture is worth 1,000 words, then a hologram is worth 10,000 pictures.                                                    PICTURES      About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with prayer and closes with an investigation.                 INVESTIGATION Irony and pity are two good councilors: one, in smiling, makes life pleasurable; the other, who cries, makes it sacred.         PLEASURABLE   A word and a stone let go cannot be called back.                                                                                REGRET        The Vatican is an empire, much like all other empires                                                                           VATICAN       You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans.                                                   CHARACTER     OF COURSE GOD WILL FORGIVE ME - THAT'S HIS BUSINESS...                                                                          FORGIVE       We live under a government of men and morning newspapers.                                                                       NEWSPAPER     A man knows his companion in a long journey and a little inn.                                                                   COMPANION     How good is man's life, the mere living! How fit to employ all the heart and the soul and the senses forever in joy!            JOYFUL        The secret of all good writing is sound judgement.                                                                              JUDGEMENT     Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.                                                                         BATTLES       Blind and naked ignorance delivers brawling judgements, unashamed, on all things all day long.                                  IGNORANCE     LAUGHTER IS INNER JOGGING....                                                                                                   LAUGHTER      A hungry people listens not to reason, nor cares for justice, nor is bent by any prayers.                                       HUNGRY        A just cause needs no interpreting.                                                                                             INTERPRETING  Nothing is more unjust or capricious than public opinion.                                                                       CAPRICIOUS    Communism is the corruption of a dream of justice.                                                                              CORRUPTION    All day long I add up columns of figures and make everything  balance.                                                          BALANCE       A guest never forgets the host who had treated him kindly.                                                                      GUEST         A spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.                                                             HONEY         War is the trade of kings.                                                                                                      CONFLICT      I will have no intellectual training, but I know to come in out of the rain.                                                    INTELLECTUAL  Let us dare to read, think, speak and write.                                                                                    LEARNING      An honest heart being the first blessing, a knowing head is the second.                                                         BLESSING      Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful.                     KNOWLEDGE     Liberty cannot be preserved without a general knowledge among the people.                                                       PRESERVED     Merely having an open mind is nothing; the object of opening the mind, as of opening the mouth, is to shut it again on somethingOPEN MIND     A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.                                                     IMPOSSIBILITY He that travels much sees much, yet comprehension does not necessarily follow...                                                TRAVELS       I am not young enough to know everything.                                                                                       EVERYTHING    Generally students are the best vehicles for passing on ideas,  for their thoughts are plastic and can be molded.               STUDENTS      An occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best a man can hope for.                                          WIFE          Beauty and the lust for learning have yet to be allied.                                                                         LEARNING      Men of genius do not excel in any profession because they labour in it, but they labour in it because they excel.               PROFESSION    There is no more fatal blunder than he who consumes the greater part of life getting his living.                                CONSUMES      To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.                                                                              EMBARRASSMENT The land of literature is a fairy land to those who view it at a distance, but, like all other landscapes, the charm fades..... LITERATURE    Poetry should help, not only to refine the language of the time, but to prevent it from changing too rapidly.                   LANGUAGE      Language is a living, kicking, growing, flitting, evolving  reality.....                                                        LANGUAGE      I've been in more laps than a napkin.                                                                                           NAPKIN        To love's perverse cousin, jealousy, nothing is more frightful than laughter.                                                   FRIGHTFUL     The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his buttons!                        COMEDIAN      BUY OLD MASTERS - THEY FETCH A MUCH BETTER PRICE THAN OLD MISTRESSES.                                                           INVESTMENT    EVERYTHING IS FUNNY AS LONG AS IT IS HAPPENING TO SOMEBODY ELSE.                                                                FUNNY         Every law is an infraction of liberty.                                                                                          INFRACTION    A successful lawsuit is one worn by a policeman.                                                                                LAWSUIT       A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.                                                   JURY          Whenever I feel like exercise I lie down until the feeling passes.                                                              EXERCISE      When some fellows decide to retire nobody knows the difference.                                                                 RETIRE        The root of the kingdom is in the state.                                                                                        KINGDOM       THE SECRET SOURCE OF HUMOR  IS NOT JOY BUT SORROW.                                                                              HUMOR         Spoon feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon.                                                    FEEDING       Liberty without learning is always in peril and learning without liberty is always in vain.                                     LEARNING      Love as a relation between men and women was ruined by the desire to make sure of the legitimacy of children.                   LEGITIMACY    They talk of the dignity of work- HA HA HA!                                                                                     DIGNITY       THERE IS NO HUMOR IN HEAVEN...                                                                                                  HUMOR         THERE IS MORE LOGIC IN HUMOR THAN IN ANYTHING ELSE!                                                                             HUMOR         If you aspire to the highest place, it is no disgrace to stop at the second, or even the third, place.                          DISGRACE      The visionary denies the truth to himself, the liar only to others.                                                             VISIONARY     The income tax has made more liars out of American people than golf has.                                                        LIAR          Freedom is absolutely necessary for the progress in science and the liberal arts.                                               FREEDOM       A MAN WHO CANNOT BE CORRUPTED IS NOT A MAN, BUT SOME OTHER FORM OF BEING.                                                       CORRUPT       Enslave the liberty of but one human being and the liberties of the world are put in peril.                                     LIBERT        The truth that survives is the lie that is the pleasantest to believe.                                                          BELIEVABLE    The men the American people admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars!                                                LIARS         Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him.                                        POLITICIAN    The great masses of the people will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.                                   DECEIVE       EARLY TO RISE, EARLY TO BED, MAKES A MAN HEALTHY, WEALTHY AND DEAD!                                                             HEALTH        I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.                                                                 NEWSPAPER     Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the  cheapest way of selling to captive consumers.                      ADVERTISE     Because Fascism is a lie, it is condemned to literary sterility.                                                                CONDEMNED     All my life affection has been showered upon me, and every forward step I have made has been taken in spite of it.              AFFECTION     It is art that makes life, makes interest, makes importance.                                                                    IMPORTANCE    Art teaches nothing, except the significance of life.                                                                           SIGNIFICANCE  Business is the salt of life.                                                                                                   BUSINESS      Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on.                                                              CONSCIENCE    First our pleasures die, THEN OUR BODIES.                                                                                       PLEASURES     I am a part of all that I have met, BUT I'M NOT SURE I WANT TO TAKE ANY OF YOU ALONG.                                           BECOMING      Flops are a part of life's menu and I've never been a girl to miss out on any of the courses.                                   COURSES       Not truth, but faith  it is that keeps the world alive.                                                                         TRUTH         To eat is human, to digest, divine.                                                                                             DIGEST        That man lives happy and in command of himself, who from day to day can say, I have lived.                                      COMMAND       Hope, deceitful as it is, serves at least to lead us to the end of our lives by an agreeable route.                             DECEITFUL     YOU'RE NOT ANGRY AT PEOPLE WHEN YOU LAUGH AT, OR WITH, THEM.                                                                    ANGRY         When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford.                            LONDON        What love does is to arm A MAN FOR THE DIFFICULTIES OF LIFE.                                                                    LOVE          This only grant me, that my means may lie too low for envy, for contempt too high.                                              CONTEMPT      Do not be too moral.                                                                                                            MORAL         The pleasure of life is according to the man who lives it, and not according to the work or the place.                          ACCORDING     Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.                                                                             ON TIME       Sex lies at the root of life, and we can never learn to reverence life until we know how to understand sex.                     SEX           SUCCESS IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER, AND CANNOT BE MEASURED BY MEN'S STANDARDS.                                               SUCCESS       WHAT IS BEETHOVEN DOING NOW? - DECOMPOSING.                                                                                      COMPOSE      YOUR MIND IS LIKE A MAZE LOOKING FOR A MOUSE!                                                                                    MY MIND      AFTER A HAPPY FAMILY, THE NICEST THING TO FIND WHEN YOU GET HOME IS A CHECK IN THE MAIL.                                        HOME          It is a lovely thing to have a husband and wife developing  together and having the feeling of falling in love again.           LOVE          Even as a coin attains full value when it is spent, so life  attains its supreme value when one knows how to forfeit it!         FORFEIT      Everything we feel is made of Time.                                                                                             FEELING       My life's been a meeting, JUST ONE LONG COMPLICATED MEETING.                                                                    SEMINAR       ONE OF LIFE'S GREAT THRILLS IS FALLING OUT OF LOVE WITH A PREVIOSLY CHERISHED IDEA.                                             BELIEF        Liberty must be limited in order to be possessed.                                                                               LIBERTY       Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things  in the world that just don't add up.                         PROBLEMS      My affection hath an unknown bottom, like the Bay of Portugal.                                                                  AFFECTION     If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when they're reading!  WRITING       One of the major principles is that Soviet literature must be inseverably linked with the policy of the Communist party.        COMMUNIST     Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it.                                       WEATHER       For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.                                                             LITIGATION    So long as we do not blow our brains out, we have decided life is worth living.                                                 SUICIDE       Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never  begin.                                                        AFRAID OF DYINI hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way.                                                  GO TO HELL    We must beware of needless innovations, especially when guided by logic.                                                        INNOVAT       It is as absurd to say that a man can't love one woman all the time as it is to say that a violinist needs several violins.    LOVERS         WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND SAW A BRAND NEW FACE?                                                         REAL?         'Tis said that persons living on annuities are longer lived than others.                                                        ANNUITIES     YOUR MIND IS LIKE A SUPERTANKER - IT'S LARGE AND POWERFUL, BUT MOVES VERY SLOWLY.                                               MENTAL GIANT  The two leading recipes for success are building a better mousetrap and finding a bigger loophole.                              SUCCESS       Loquacity storms the ear, but modesty takes the heart.                                                                          MODESTY       I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigree of nations.                                     LANGUAGES     In love, the one who is cured first is cured the best.                                                                          REMED         Reputation, reputation, reputation! O, I have lost my reputation! OH, OH, OH!                                                   REPUTATION    Lost time is never found again.                                                                                                 PROCRAST      Experience is in the fingers and head.                                                                                          EXPERIENCE    God is love....                                                                                                                 GOD           Little deeds of kindness, little words of love, make our Earth an Eden like heaven above.                                       KINDNESS      Never marry but for love; but see that thou lovest what is lovely.                                                              MARRY         To marry a woman who you love and who loves you is to pay a wager with her as to who will stop loving the other first.          LOVING        That's the nature of women, not to love when we love them, and to love when we love them not.                                   WOMEN         Women generally consider consequences in love, seldom in resentment.                                                            CONSEQUENCES  Man begins by loving love and ends by loving woman.                                                                             LOVING        The brown bag, of course, had its imperfections.                                                                                IMPERFECTIONS Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.                                                  MARRYING      Where neither love nor hatred is in the game, a woman's game is mediocre.                                                       MEDIOCRE      For lovers, touch is a metamorphosis.                                                                                           TOUCH         A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.                                                      HUSBAND       One finds many companions for food and drink, but in a serious business a man's companions are very few.                        COMPANIONS    A friend should be a master at guessing and keeping still.                                                                      GUESSING      True luck consists not in holding the best of the cards at the table: luckiest he who knows just when to rise and go home.      LUCK          Patriotism varies, from a noble devotion to a moral lunacy.                                                                     PATRIOT       Avarice and luxury have been the ruin of every great state.                                                                     LUXURY                            A tool is but an extension of a man's hand, and a machine is but a complex tool.                            A MACHINE     One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.                                                                              MACHINE       Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.                                                           PREGNANT      There is no genius without a mixture of madness.                                                                                WITHOUT       There is always some madness in love.                                                                                           MADNESS       Neither current events nor history show that the majority rules, or ever did rule.                                              MAJORITY      Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?                             MAJORITY      The finest people marry the two sexes in their own person.                                                                      FINEST        The ignorance of the world leaves one at the mercy of its malice.                                                               IGNORANCE     When a man comes to me for advice I find out the kind of advice he can pay for...                                               ADVICE        TALKING WITH YOU IS LIKE PEEING IN A DARK SUIT - IT'S WARM AND IT FEELS GOOD, BUT IT DOESN'T SHOW.                              TALKING       Desire is the very essence of man.                                                                                              ESSENCE       The direction in which education starts a man will determine his future in life.                                                DIRECTION     O human race! Born to ascend on wings, why do ye fall at such a little wind?                                                    HUMAN RACE    I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.                                                OVERESTIMATE  NOTHING IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN AN IDEA WHEN IT IS THE ONLY ONE YOU HAVE.                                                        DANGEROUS     All men naturally desire knowledge.                                                                                             KNOWLEDGE     We regard intelligence as man's main characteristic and we know that there is no superiority which intelligence cannot confer.  INTELLLIGENCE The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.                                                  LYING         Man is not the sum of what he has but the totality of what he does not yet have, of what he might have.                         TOTALITY      The new and terrible dangers which man has created can only be controlled by man.                                               DANGERS       The instinct of ownership is fundamental in man's nature.                                                                       FUNDAMENTAL   We all decry prejudice, yet are all prejudiced.                                                                                 PREJUDICED    Reason in man is rather like God in the world.                                                                                  REASON        In taking revenge a man is but equal to his enemy, but in passing it over he is his superior.                                   SUPERIOR      He who forbids not sin when he may, commands it.                                                                                COMMANDS      It is man that makes truth great, not truth that makes man great.                                                               TRUTH         There are few minds to which tyranny is not delightful.                                                                         DELIGHTFUL    There is a physical weakness which stems from mental ability, and a mental weakness which comes from physical ability.          ABILITY       A religious man is a person who holds God and man in one thought  at one time.                                                  RELIGIOUS     The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like  men, but that men will begin to think like computers.           COMPUTERS     Consistency is a paste jewel that only cheap men cherish.                                                                       CHERISH       Nature made YOU, and then broke the mold.                                                                                       DIFFERENCE    The difference in companies is people.                                                                                          DIFFERENCE    Morality is the best of all devices for leading mankind by the nose.                                                            MORALITY      "Learn what is true in order to do what is right" is the summing up of the whole duty of man.                                   DUTY          We don't bother much about dress and manners in England, because as a nation we don't dress well and we've no manners.          ENGLAND       The idea that you can merchandise candidates for high office like  breakfast cereal is the ultimate indignity to the PEOPLE.    MERCHANDISE   Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.                                                             CONCEIVE      Divorce is probably of nearly the same date as marriage.                                                                        DIVORCE       You cannot pluck roses without fear of thorns, nor enjoy a fair wife without danger of horns.                                   TAKE A RISK   It is most unwise for people in love to marry.                                                                                  MARRY         What is virtue but the trades unionism of the married?                                                                          VIRTUE        A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,  always with the same person.                                        MARRIAGE      Marriage, like many things in life, will always sink to the lowest common denominator, not rise to the highest                  MARRIED       Never go to bed mad. Of course you may not get much sleep...                                                                    RESTFUL       Russian communism is the illegitimate child of Karl Marx and  Catherine the Great.                                              ILLEGITIMATE  The great mass of humanity should never learn to read or write.                                                                 HUMANITY      In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant.                                                             POLITICIAN    Civilization consists in the multiplication and refinement of human wants.                                                      CIVILIZATION  Wealth after all is a relative thing since he     that has little and wants less is richer than he that has much and wants more.WEALTH        To perceive Christmas through its wrapping becomes more difficult  with every year.                                             CHRISTMAS     There is no dunce like an old dunce.                                                                                            MATURE        First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak.                                                                        MEANING       Painting isn't an aesthetic operation; it's a form of magic designed as a mediator between this strange hostile world and us.   AESTHETIC     Nature can do more than physicians.                                                                                             PHYSICIANS    The very success of medicine in a material way may now threaten  the soul of medicine.                                          MEDICINE      Nothing is to be had for gold but mediocrity.                                                                                   MEDIOCRITY    The general tendency of things throughout the world is to render mediocrity the ascendant power among mankind.                  MEDIOCRITY    We are on the track of something absolutely mediocre.                                                                           ABSOLUTELY    A liar should have a good memory.                                                                                               I FORGOT      A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect  the writer.                                                    MEMORANDUM    CAN YOU TELL THE TEMPERATURE OF A TUB OF WATER BY JUST LOOKING AT IT?                                                           ACTION        Women like silent men.                                                                                                          SILENT        Mirrors may be  used for mild amusement, but otherwise should not be taken seriously                                            MIRROR        Men get to be a mixture of the charming mannerisms of the women they have known.                                                MANNERISMS    Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealing with men.                                 WOMAN         How vain, without the merit, is the name.                                                                                       MERIT         Ethical metaphysics is fundamentally an attempt, however disguised, to give legislative force to our own wishes.                FUNDAMENTALLY The renown of great men should always be measured by the means which they have used to acquire it.                              MEASURED      Is ditchwater dull? Naturalists with microscopes have told me  that it teems with fun and fury...                               BORING        COPERNICUS BROKE THE RULE THAT THE EARTH STANDS IN THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE.                                                  UNIVERSE      I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S. GRANT IN FULL UNIFORM.                                NAKED         The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.                                                                   MEEK          Conferences at the top level are always courteous.                                                                              COURTEOUS     Heresy is what the minority believe; it is the name given by the powerful to the doctrines of the weak.                         HERETIC       You use a glass mirror to see your face; you use works of art to see your soul.                                                 SOUL          Resolve to be thyself: and know, that he who finds himself, loses his misery.                                                   MISERY        Life is strewn with so many dangers, and can be the source of so many misfortunes, that death is not the greatest of them.      MISFORTUNE    Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.                                                                        EXPERIENCE    HALF OUR MISTAKES IN LIFE COME FROM FEELING WHEN WE OUGHT TO THINK, AND THINKING WHEN WE OUGHT TO FEEL.                         MISTAKES      I have been a conspirator for so long that I mistrust all around me.                                                            SPY           When the clergyman's daughter drinks nothing but water she's certain to finish on gin.                                          DRINKS        I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting to satisfy them.                          DESIRES       The heart is great which shows moderation in the midst of prosperity.                                                           MODERATION    Great artists are modest almost as seldom as they are faithful to their wives.                                                  FAITHFUL      Of lies, false modesty is the most decent.                                                                                      MODESTY       A candidate is a modest man who shrinks from the publicity of private life to seek the obscurity of public office.              CANDIDATE     Business? It's quite simple. buy low, sell high, pay the dues.                                                                  SIMPLE        No man's credit is as good as his money.                                                                                        CREDIT        LIFE'S EXPERIMENTS ARE GREAT FUN, THIS IS BUT ANOTHER ONE.                                                                      EXPERIMENT    In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from THE PEOPLE.                                 GOVERNMENT    There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.   SPENDING      Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.                                                                    WOMEN         A woman's best assets go from her body to her bank account as she ages..                                                        PROTECTION    Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything, and when they grow older, they know it.                               MONEY         Tooth decay was a perennial national problem that meant a  mouthful of silver for patients, and for dentists a pocket OF GOLD.  DENTIST       THERE'S NO MONEY IN POETRY, BUT THEN THERE'S NO POETRY IN MONEY EITHER.                                                         POET          Woman wants monogamy; man delights in novelty.                                                                                  MONOGAMY      A broken heart is a monument to a love that will never die; fulfillment is a monument to a love that is already on its deathbed.FULFILLMENT   Never make people laugh WHEN THEY ARE HOLDING A GUN.                                                                            LAUGHTER      It is not enough to fight - YOU MUST ALSO WIN!                                                                                  FIGHT         There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book.                                                                           IMMORAL       Fear is the mother of morality.                                                                                                 MORALITY      Money, and not morality, is the principle of commercial nations.                                                                POWERFUL NATIOWith the monstrous weapons man already has, humanity is in danger of being trapped in this world by its moral adolescents.      ADOLESCENTS   Reverence for life affords me my fundamental principle of morality.                                                             FUNDAMENTAL                                            One function of diplomacy is to dress realism in morality.                             DIPLOMACY     Common morality now treats childbearing as an aberration.                                                                       CHILDBEARING  He combines the manners of a Marquis with the morals of a  Methodist.                                                            METHODIST    Oh, what a power is motherhood, possessing a potent spell.                                                                      MOTHERHOOD    Getting results through people is a skill that cannot be learned in the classroom.                                              MANAGEMENT    Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; Or close the  wall up with our English dead.                                BREACH        A cynic might suggest as the motto of modern life this simple legend: WATCH YOUR WALLET, BUDDY!                                 CYNIC         He who lives more lives than one, more deaths than one must die.                                                                DEATHS        The thief and the murderer follow nature just as much as the philanthropist.                                                    PHILANTHROPISTOur business here is revelation to reveal objects Americans have  kept on purpose in ways that permit them to be freshly KNOWN. REVELATION    No melody is so sweet as the melody of a peaceful mind.                                                                         MELOD         The sexual embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer.                                                             SEXUAL        The wedding march always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle.                                           SOLDIERS      It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.                                        HAPPINESS     Women are strange and incomprehensible CREATURES OFTEN WITH DELIGHTFUL BODIES.                                                  WOMEN         I've been called many things, but never an intellectual.                                                                        INTELLECTUAL  Democracy is a process, not a static condition.                                                                                 DEMOCRACY     The decline of literature indicates the decline of a nation.                                                                    LITERATURE    Publicity is a great purifier because it sets in action the forces of public opinion.                                           PUBLICITY     The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.                                             MEDICINE      Progress, therefore, is not an accident, but a necessity .                                                                      PROGRESS      In a state of nature it is an invariable law, that a man's acquisitions are in proportion to his labours.                       ACQUISITIONS  True wit is nature to advantage dressed, what oft was thought, but ne'er so well expressed.                                     ADVANTAGE     Science is wonderfully equipped to answer the question "How?" but  it gets terribly confused when you ask the question "Why?"   SCIENCE       Weep not that the world changes. All idealism is falsehood in the face of necessity.                                            FALSEHOOD     Travel seems not just a way of having a good time, but a way to get rid of extra luggage.                                       TRAVEL        Understanding human needs is half the job of meeting them.                                                                      UNDERSTAND    There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.                         TALKED        It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love one's neighbor.                                                           HUMANITY      It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love one's  neighbor.                                                           NEIGHBOR     One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.                    BREAKDOWN     Neutrality is at times a graver sin than belligerence.                                                                          NEUTRAL       Histories are a kind of distilled newspapers.                                                                                   NEWSPAPERS    All I know is what I read in the papers.                                                                                        PAPERS        Ignorance is the night of the mind, a night without moon or star.                                                               IGNORANCE     LET WALL STREET have a nightmare and the whole country has to help get them back in bed again.                                  NIGHTMARE     EVERY RULE MAY BE BROKEN EXCEPT THIS ONE......                                                                                  INSTRUCTION   For that is, and ever will be, the best of sayings: that the useful is the noble and the hurtful is the base.                   SAYINGS       There is no nonsense so arrant that it cannot be made the creed of the vast majority by adequate governmental action.           GOVERNMENTAL            A poet can write about a man slaying a dragon, but not about a man pushing a button that releases a bomb.             BOMB          What we call `progress' is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance.                                                   PROGRESS      The man who does something under orders is not unhappy; he is unhappy who does something against his will.                      SOMETHING     Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.                       SOMETHING     Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.                                                POPULARITY    The existing phrasebooks are inadequate.                                                                                        INADEQUATE                                    As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say, I just  watch what they do.              ATTENTION     There's lots of people who spend so much time watching their health, they haven't got any time to enjoy it.                     HEALTH        Freedom in general may be defined as the absence of obstacles to the realization of desires.                                    REALIZATION   Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.                                                                     CONCEIVABLE   The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.                                   WAGER         If you're up against a girl with big boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys.                             BIG BOOBS     There is more felicity on the far side of baldness than young men can possibly imagine.                                         FELICITY      Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.                                                                       STRUGGLE       There are three periods in life: youth, middle age and "how well  you look".                                                   LIFETIME      We are all omnibuses in which our ancestors ride, every now and then one of them sticks his head out and embarrasses us.        EMBARRASSES   Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find there is nothing in it.                                 LIFE          Freedom of opinion can only exist when the government thinks itself secure.                                                     GOVERNMENT    It is the absolute right of the state to supervise the formation of public opinion.                                             SUPERVISE     There are in fact two things, science and opinion; the former begets knowledge, the later ignorance.                            KNOWLEDGE     Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded to say it.                                               PERSUADED     People call me feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.                     DIFFERENTIATE Problems are only opportunities in work clothes.                                                                                OPPORTUNITIES Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.                              OPPORTUNITY   An oppressive government is more to be feared than a people's revolution.                                                       OPPRESSIVE    He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from oppression.                                            OPPRESSION    The rich will do everything for the poor but get off their backs.                                                               THE RICH      Every revolution ends by becoming either an oppressor or a heretic.                                                             REVOLUTION    Democracy gives every man the right to be his own oppressor.                                                                    OPPRESSOR     Grow old along with me! the best is yet to be!                                                                                  GROW OLD      Life has a way of setting things in order and leaving them be.                                                                  DESTINY       I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.                                                              ORGANIZATION  Education is an ornament in prosperity and a refuge in adversity.                                                               PROSPERITY    The English never smash a toad in the road.                                                                                     TOAD          If we had no faults, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing them in others.                                             FAULTS        A man of honor should never forget what he is because he sees what others are.                                                  HONOR         Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other.                                                                 LOVE          Be noble! And the nobleness that lies in other men, sleeping, but never dead, will rise in majesty to meet thine own.           NOBLENESS     To deaden yourself against any hurt is to deaden yourself also against the hurt of others.                                      FEELINGS           You may till the soil, yet you cannot control it.                                                                          POSSESS       He was a brave man who first swallowed an oyster.                                                                               SWALLOWED     For there was never yet a philosopher that could endure the toothache patiently.                                                PHILOSOPHER   When we realize finally that we aren't God's given children,  we'll understand satire.                                          SATIRE        Since God has given us the papacy, let us enjoy it.                                                                             PAPACY        The maxim "nothing avails but perfection" may be spelled, "paralysis".                                                          PERFECTION    Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.                                            PSYCHIATRY    Another fallacy is imagining that your signature on a piece of paper means a damn thing to anyone.                              SIGNATURE     The father is always a Republican towards his son, and his  mother's always a Democrat.                                         REPUBLICAN    The only reason I always try to meet and know the parents better  is because it helps me to forgive their children.             PARENTS       When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action AND MOVED TO MIAMI.                                                        PARENTS       WE ARE FORCED TO PLAY THE GAME OF LIFE WITHOUT A RULEBOOK.                                                                      GAME OF       A Republican will write a check for charity, a Democrat will make a speech.                                                     DEMOCRATS     Love's dominion, like a king's, admits of no partition.                                                                         PARTITION     You hear politics until you wish that both parties were smothered in their own gas.                                             SMOTHERED     Principle has a passion for truth                                                                                               PRINCIPLE     Of all base passions, fear is most accursed.                                                                                    FEARS         You can never plan the future by the past no more than you can steer a car by looking back.                                     FUTURE        Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits.                                                                             HUSTLES       Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.                                                                                     PATIENCE      Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper!                                               TEMPER        If you have a weak candidate and a weak platform, wrap yourself up in the American flag and talk about the Constitution.        CONSTITUTION  I know only two tunes; one of them is 'Yankee Doodle', and the other isn't.                                                     TUNES         The world likes humor, but it treats it patronizingly.                                                                          PATRONIZ      I would rather have peace in the world than be president.                                                                       PEACE         A BAD PEACE CAN BE EVEN WORSE THAN WAR.                                                                                         WAR           War should never be entered upon until every agency of peace has failed.                                                        PEACE         In war, resolution; in defeat, defiance; in victory, magnanimity;  in peace, goodwill.                                          DEFEAT        The greatest warriors can often make the greatest peace...                                                                      WAR           Crossing the street in New York keeps old people young AND LIVELY.                                                              NEW YORK      Few people do business well who do nothing else.                                                                                BUSINESS      The principal advantage of a democracy, is a general elevation in the character of the people.                                  PRINCIPAL     Democracy is based upon the conviction that there are extraordinary possibilities in ordinary people.                           EXTRAORDINARY All free governments are managed by the combined wisdom and folly of the people.                                                GOVERNMENTS   Often, what we think we perceive in other people is merely a reflection of ourselves.                                           PEOPLE        Too many creatures both insects and humans estimate their own value by the amount of minor irritation they are able to cause.   IRRITATION    A leader is a man who has the ability to get other people to do what they don't want to do and like it.                         LEADER        Liberty is the only thing you cannot have unless you are willing to give it to others.                                          LIBERTY       Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.                                                                                    BRILLIANT     Tact is the art of convincing people that they are not the idiots you know that they really are.                                CONVINCING    Is it sufficient that you have learned to drive the car or shall  we look and see what is under the hood?                       SUFFICIENT    Friendship is almost always the union of a part of one mind with  a part of another; People are friends in spots.               FRIENDS       Some folks are wise, and some are otherwise.                                                                                    OTHERWISE     We shall never have friends, if we expect to find them without fault.                                                           FRIENDS       Perfection of means and confusion of ends seem to characterize  our age.                                                        CHARACTERIZE  An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.                                                                              PERFORMANCE   Nature is often hidden, sometimes overcome, seldom extinguished.                                                                MOTHER NATURE Many are destined to reason wrongly; others, not to reason at all, and others to persecute those who reason.                    PERSECUTE     Theologists find it easier to believe in the existence of Satan than that of God.                                                SATAN        The woman who is known only through a man is known wrong.                                                                       WOMAN         A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.                                                                               EGG           We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything.                                                                        KNOWLEDGE     Perversity is the muse of modern literature.                                                                                    LITERATURE    The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.                        PROCLAIMS     The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood...                            COMFORTABLE   Leisure is the mother of philosophy.                                                                                            PHILOSOPHY    Jealousy is the greatest of all evils, and the one which arouses the least pity in the person who causes it.                    JEALOUSY      The only `ism' Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.                                                                             PLAGIARISM    Great literature must spring from the upheaval in the author's soul.                                                            LITERATURE    I dislike an eye that twinkles like a star.                                                                                     EYE           The Republicans have a 'me too' candidate running on a 'yes but' platform, advised by a 'has been' staff.                       REPUBLICANS   What is all wisdom save a collection of platitudes?                                                                             PLATITUDES    A good illusion is often more useful than 10 good books.                                                                        ILLUSION      I would rather choose to be a plumber or a peddler in the hope to find that modest degree of independence still available.      INDEPENDENCE  Of all forms of tyranny the least attractive and the most vulgar is the tyranny of mere wealth, the tyranny of plutocracy.      VULGAR        The venom clamors of a jealous woman poison more deadly than a mad dog's tooth.                                                 JEALOUS       Just because you can sell an ice box to an eskimo, don't imagine yourself to have real value.                                   SELL          A statesman is a politician who places himself at the service of the nation after he has stolen all he needs.                   POLITICIAN    We all know that Prime Ministers are wedded to the truth, but like other wedded couples they sometimes live apart.              MINISTERS     Dictatorship is a great adventure.                                                                                              ADVENTURE     Undoubtedly the desire for food has been, and still is, one of the main causes of great political events.                       FOOD          Whoever said it's how you play the game, not whether you win or lose, has never been to a little league game.                   CONTEST       Literature is not, in itself, a means of solving problems; these can be solved only by action, by social and political action.  POLITICAL     I am not an Athenian or a Greek, but a citizen of the world.                                                                    CITIZEN       The opposition is indispensable, if they did't exist we would create them.                                                      INDISPENSABLE A university is not a service station.                                                                                          UNIVERSITY    Abortion doesn't belong in the political arena.                                                                                 POLITICAL     If you want to get serious about the study of logic, you must learn the principle known as the "logic of illogic"               LOGIC         Every man who takes office in Washington either grows or swells!                                                               WASHINGTON     Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he didn't  know how to lie, cheat, and steal very well.                       POLITICIAN    Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.                                         LOVE          A little skill in antiquity inclines a man to paupery; but depth in that study brings him about again to our Christian religion.ANTIQUITY     BEWARE OF THE CENSORS  BECAUSE   Censorship is more depraving and corrupting than anything   pornography can produce.            PORNOGRAPHY  No one would choose a friendless existence on condition of having all other things in the world.                                FRIENDLESS    Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness.                                                                    POSSIBLE      A woman seldom writes her mind but in her postscript.                                                                           WOMAN         Debt is the worst poverty.                                                                                                      POVERTY       Though the people support the government, the government should not support the people.                                         GOVERNMENT    It is better to abolish serfdom from above than to wait for it to abolish itself from below.                                    ABOLISH       Riches without law are more dangerous than is poverty without law.                                                              DANGEROUS     He is now fast rising from affluence to poverty.                                                                                AFFLUENCE     Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.                                                                        RELIGION      Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.                                                   TERRIFIES     We must get rid of fear; we cannot act at all till then.                                                                        FRIGHT        This is the bitterest pain among men, to have much knowledge but no power.                                                      POWER         Knowledge itself is power.                                                                                                      KNOWLEDGE     In a time of turbulence and change, it is more true than ever that knowledge is power.                                          KNOWLEDGE     People demand freedom only when they have no power.                                                                             FREEDOM       Men such as they are, very naturally seek money or power; and power because it is as good as money.                             POWER         When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn't got any.                                                      MONEY         At last I perceive that in revolutions the supreme power rests with the most abandoned.                                         REVOLUTIONS   Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them very little.                                       WOMEN         At the moment the United States is the most powerful, the most  prosperous, and the most dangerous country in the world.         PROSPEROUS   Can America overcome the fatal arrogance of power?                                                                              ARROGANCE     Money doesn't talk, it swears.                                                                                                  SWEAR         Do unto the other feller the way he's like to do unto you an' do it  first.                                                     CONFLICT      I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.                                                                       UNQUALIFIED   God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, AND COURAGE TO CHANGE WHAT WE SHOULD.             PRAYER        Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying?                                                                        PRAY          All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.                                                                               JUSTIFIABLE   Example is always more efficacious than precept.                                                                                EFFECTIVE     Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.                 VICTIMS       Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.                                                        PREJUDICES    The best preparation for good work tomorrow is to do good work today.                                                           PREPARATION   It usually takes me three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.                                                             IMPROMPTU     The trouble about always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the MIND.HEALTH            I know that when things don't go well, they like to blame the president, and that is one of the things presidents are FOR.  PRESIDENTS    It is, however, an evil for which there is no remedy, our liberty depends on the freedom of the press.                          FREEDOM       The reactionaries are in possession of force, in not only the army and police, but in the press and the schools.                REACTIONAR    He that knows least commonly presumes most.                                                                                     PRESUMES      If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously.                                                                  SERIOUSLY     Nothing dies so hard, or rallies so often, as intolerance.                                                                      INTOLERANCE   We pay a high price for being intelligent.                                                                                      INTELLIGENT   The whole family of pride and ignorance are incestuous, and mutually beget each other.                                          INCESTUOUS    Look out how you use proud words.                                                                                               PROUD         A thing moderately good is not so good as it ought to be.                                                                       MODERATELY    A man is usually more careful of his money than he is of his principles.                                                        PRINCIPLES    Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.                                                                            PRISON        If forced to choose between the penitentiary and the White House for four years, I would say the penitentiary, thank you.       PENITENTIARY  Most people have seen worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in public.                                     PRIVATE       Procrastination is the thief of time.                                                                                           THIEF         God makes stars.                                                                                                                GOD           A business that makes nothing but money is a poor kind of  business.                                                             BUSINESS     Corporation: an ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.                             RESPONSIBILITYThe engine which drives enterprise is not thrift, but profit.                                                                   ENTERPRISE    An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.                                                                 IDEALIST      Change is constant in a progressive country.                                                                                    PROGRESSIVE   A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward.                       CONSERVATIVE  Laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind.                                                 INSTITUTIONS  Restlessness is discontent Dogmatism is puppyism come to its full growth.                                                       DISCONTENT    A great democracy must be progressive or it will soon cease to be a great democracy.                                            PROGRESSIVE   Promise, large promise, is the soul of advertising.                                                                             ADVERTISING   Politicians are the same all over.                                                                                              POLITICIANS   The educated Southerner has no use for an R, except at the beginning of a word.                                                 SOUTHERNER    Metaphysics is almost always an attempt to prove the incredible by an appeal to the unintelligible.                             UNINTELLIGIBLELabor: one of the processes by which A acquires property of B.                                                                  LABOR         The most common and durable source of faction has been the various and unequal distribution of property.                        DISTRIBUTION  We become wiser by adversity; prosperity destroys our appreciation of the right.                                                APPRECIATION  We are corrupted by prosperity.                                                                                                 PROSPERITY    Happiness seems to require a modicum of external prosperity.                                                                    PROSPERITY    The heart is great which shows moderation in the midst of prosperity.                                                           MODERATION    Prosperity is the best protector of principle.                                                                                  PROTECTOR     Death be not proud, though some have called thee mighty and dreadful!                                                           DEATH         I made a fortune getting out too soon.                                                                                          FORTUNE       The invention of the IQ did a greater disservice to creativity in  education.                                                   EDUCAT        If he wrote it he could get rid of it.                                                                                          AUTHOR        In the matter of ideas the public prefer the cheap and nasty.                                                                   NASTY         Those who corrupt the public mind are just as evil as those who steal from the public.                                          CORRUPT       Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the grand canyon and waiting for the echo.                      VERSE         A person who publishes a book appears willfully in public with his pants  down.                                                 PUBLISHES     Unfaithfulness in the keeping of an appointment is an act of clear dishonesty.                                                  APPOINTMENT                           Blessed is he who has found his work; let him ask no other blessedness.                                 BLESSED         The average P H D is lucky to get a job driving a taxi.                                                                       DEGREE        In the country of the blind the one eyed man is king.                                                                           RELATIVITY    A writer needs three things, experience, observation, and imagination, any two of which WILL DO IN A PINCH.                     WRITER        Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it just in time.                                            HOLLYWOOD     What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.                                                             PLEASURE      Television is a medium because well done is rare.                                                                               T V           Their learning is like bread in a besieged town: every man gets a little, but no man gets a full meal.                          LEARNING      Quarrels are the dowry which married folk bring one another.                                                                    MARRIED       The apple cannot be stuck back on the Tree of Knowledge; once we  begin to see, we are doomed and challenged to seek...         CHALLENGED    The man who sees both sides of a question is a man who sees absolutely nothing.                                                 BOTH SIDES    Every sentence I utter must be understood not as an affirmation, but as a question.                                             AFFIRMATION   Intelligence is quickness in seeing things as they are.                                                                         QUICKNESS     If at first you don't sucK SEED, TRY AGAIN!                                                                                     SUCCEED       It's a wise crack that knows its own father.                                                                                    FATHER        I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.                                      BLACK         I never dared to be a radical when young for fear it would make me conservative when old.                                       CONSERVATIVE  All kings is mostly rapscallions.                                                                                               KINGS         The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.                                                       WINNER        Attack is the reaction; I never think I have hit hard unless it rebounds.                                                       ATTACK        A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.                                               CLASSIC       There is only one situation I can think of in which men and women  make an effort to read better than they usually do.          SITUATION     I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he READ OF THE EFFECTS OF SMOKING THAT HE QUIT READING!    SMOKING       No great artist ever sees things as they really are.                                                                            ARTIST        I do not resent criticism, even when, for the sake of emphasis, it parts for the time with reality.                             CRITICISM     The use of traveling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are. IMAGINATION   He alone is free who lives with free consent under the entire guidance of reason.                                               GUIDANCE      To give reason for fancy were to weigh the fire, and measure the wind.                                                          NONSENSE      What is madness? To have erroneous perceptions and to reason correctly from them.                                               MADNESS       Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it.                                                       TOLERATED     It is great cleverness to know how to conceal our cleverness.                                                                   CLEVER        Time makes more converts than reason.                                                                                           CONVERTS      Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.                                                               HUMOR          A husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.                               HUSBAND                                      The hand that rocks the cradle is just as liable to rock the country.                            COUNTRY       When the people of the world all know beauty as beauty, there arises the recognition of ugliness.                               BEAUTY        Distance either of time or place is sufficient to reconcile weak minds to wonderful relations.                                  SUFFICIENT    Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary BYPASS....                                                         DIVORCE       Do not take life too seriously - you will never get out of it alive.                                                            WORRIED TO DEASomeday, somewhere, when you least expect it, the earth will open up and swallow you, oh shallow and silly fool......           ARE FULL OF   To regret one's experiences is to arrest one's own development.                                                                 EXPERIENCES   Some men see things as they are and say why - I dream things that never were and say, why not?                                  DREAM         Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.                                                 EXECUTIVE     Not one man in a thousand has the strength of mind or the goodness of heart to be an atheist.                                   ATHEIST       Reagan was not a politician, but an actor who could speak his lines very well.                                                  REAGAN        I hate to tell you this, but we are not in a recession - this is the new economy.                                               RECESSION     If I had been through the fire and earthquake in California, I think even New York would start to look attractive.        .     OAKLAND       Homo sapiens, the only creature endowed with reason, is also the only creature to pin its existence on things unreasonable.     UNREASONABLE  I do not know how to teach philosophy without becoming a disturber of established religion.                                     ESTABLISHED   Bush WAS NOT A FINE president, but at least he WAS A PROFESSIONAL POLITICIAN WITH SOME COMMON SENSE.                            BUSH          Superstition is to religion what astrology is to astronomy: the mad daughter of a wise mother.                                  ASTROLOGY     Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived.                                                         RELIGION      I am a millionaire AND YOU ARE NOT.....                                                                                         MILLIONAIRE   I assert that the cosmic religious experience is the strongest and  noblest driving force behind scientific research.           COSMIC        When it is a question of money, everybody is said to be of the same religion.                                                   MONEY         There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice.                                                            RELUCTANCE    Hello, you wise and clever person, flattery will get me anywhere, right?                                                        HELLO         Hello, DUDE.  you have stepped upon the great stage of life - what is your first line?                                          HELLO         A man is not old as long as he is seeking something.                                                                            TOO OLD       If I repent anything it is very likely to be my good behavior.                                                                  REPENT        He that knows little often repeats it.                                                                                          REPEATS       Anybody can be a Republican when the stock market is up.                                                                        REPUBLICAN    We cry when we are born upon this stage of fools.                                                                               BIRTH         Hello, BUDDY, I hope you are ready for some heavy duty wit?                                                                     HELLO         Hello, my dear BUDDY, I just know we are going to be real FRIENDS....                                                           HELLO         Most people would succeed in small things if they were not troubled with great ambitions.                                       SUCCEED       Research is four things: brains with which to think, eyes with  which to see, machines with which to measure and, fourth, money.RESEARCH      The ONLY WAY TO AMUSE SOME PEOPLE IS TO SLIP ON A BANANA.                                                                       ME LAUGH      Why resist temptation? There will always be more.                                                                               TEMPTATION    Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you.                                              EXPERIENCE    Norman Mailer said the natural role of twentieth-century man is anxiety.                                                        ANXIETY       Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.                                                                                        COMMANDED     The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.                                                                RESPECTABLE   Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.                      RESPONSIBLE   YOU ARE ONLY WHAT YOU ARE WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING.                                                                               NOT REAL      Never learn to do anything UNLESS YOU LEARN TO DO IT VERY WELL.                                                                 LEARN         The bed has become a place of luxury to me! I would not exchange it for all the thrones in the world.                           LUXURY        There are 869 different forms of lying, but only one of them has been squarely forbidden.                                       LYING         Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.                                           WORDS         Most people know the feeling OF A FOOT IN THE MOUTH.                                                                            FEELING       WHEN I SEE A BIRD THAT SWIMS LIKE A DUCK AND QUACKS LIKE A DUCK, I CALL THAT BIRD A DUCK.                                       REALITY       The cruellest revenge of a woman is to remain faithful to a man.                                                                FAITHFUL      A robin redbreast in a cage puts all Heaven in a rage.                                                                          CAGED         Art is either a plagiarist or a revolutionist.                                                                                  REVOLUTION    THE BEST WAY TO WIN AN ARGUMENT IS TO START OUT BY BEING RIGHT.                                                                 ARGUE         Poverty is the parent of revolution.                                                                                            REVOLUTION    Remember always that all of us, and you and I especially, are descended from immigrants and revolutionaries.                    REVOLUTION    I feel that the greatest reward for doing is the opportunity to do more.                                                        OPPORTUNITY   Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.                                                   FASHION       Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better.                                     ARTIST        To the right wing `law and order' is often just a code phrase, meaning `get the PINKOS'.                                        RIGHT WING    Freedom to differ is not limited to things that do not matter much.                                                             LIMITED       Every man has a right to utter what he thinks truth, and every other man has a right to CHALLENGE HIM  for it.                  UNTRUE        it was because he was lonely and unhappy that god created the world.                                                            LONELINESS    WHICH GOD ARE YOU REFERRING TO?                                                                                                 GOD           In America any boy may become president, and I suppose that's just the risk he takes.                                           PRESIDENT     If men knew all that women think, they'd be twenty times more daring.                                                           WOMEN                Twenty years of romance makes a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of marriage make her something UNFORGETTABLE..  ROMANCE       The more one thinks about Latin the easier it is to see why the Roman Empire fell.                                              LATIN         God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December.                                                               MEMORIES      Someday I hope to write a book where the royalties will pay for  the copies I give away.                                        BOOK          A man of genius has been seldom ruined but by himself.                                                                          GENIUS        A BABY IS GOD'S OPINION THAT THE WORLD SHOULD GO ON.                                                                            BABY          Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.                           RELIGION      Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week.                                                                                  SUNDAY        SOMETIMES ONE PAYS MOST FOR THE THINGS YOU THINK YOU GET FOR NOTHING.                                                           THE PRICE     A woman will always sacrifice herself if you give her the opportunity.                                                          SACRIFICE     When your're safe at home you wish you were having an adventure; when your're having an adventure you wish you were SAFE AT homeADVENTURE     As if there were safety in stupidity alone.                                                                                     STUPIDITY     All saints can do miracles, but few of them can keep a hotel.                                                                   MIRACLES      Your enthusiasm will be infectious, stimulating and attractive to  others.                                                      STIMULATING   I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. I SAID A LOT OF THEM HANG OUT IN SALOONS.                                        DEMOCRAT      Our occasional madness is less wonderful than our occasional sanity.                                                            SANITY        It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.           CIVILIZATION  Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people.                                               POVERTY       Neither earth nor ocean produces a creature as savage and monstrous as woman.                                                   MONSTROUS     Religion is the last refuge of human savagery.                                                                                  SAVAGERY      It is the public scandal that offends; to sin in secret is no sin at all.                                                       SCANDAL       No human being ever spoke of scenery for above two minutes at a time, which makes me suspect that we hear too much of it.       SCENERY       The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.                                                                   EXPERIENCE    Man can be scientifically manipulated.                                                                                          SCIENTIF      All the Biblical miracles will at last disappear with the progress of science.                                                  SCIENCE       BEAUTY IS THE FIRST PRESENT NATURE GIVES TO A WOMAN AND THE FIRST IT TAKES AWAY.                                                BEAUTY        Archaeology is the peeping Tom of the sciences.                                                                                 SCIENCES      A human being is a clever assembly of portable plumbing.                                                                        HUMAN         There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.                                                                            OVERCOME      Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn.                                                                                SILENCE       Public office is the last refuge of an actor.                                                                                   REAGAN        BORE - A PERSON WHO TALKS WHEN HE SHOULD BE LISTENING...                                                                        BORING        LIVE WITHIN YOUR INCOME, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO BORROW MONEY TO DO SO.                                                             INCOME        WHEN YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE TO A BOY, YOU CAN MAKE HIM WASH HIS FACE!                                                       KIDS          There are few more impressive sights in the world than a Scotsman on the make.                                                  IMPRESSIVE    Men lose more conquests by their own awkwardness than by any virtue in the woman.                                               AWKWARD       We must select the illusion which appeals to our temperament, and embrace it with passion, if we want to be happy.              TEMPERAMENT   I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects.      FRIEND        BUSINESS IS LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE - EITHER YOU KEEP MOVING OR YOU FALL DOWN.                                                    BUSINESS      He is not laughed at that laughs at himself first.                                                                              LAUGH         The reason why lovers are never weary of one another is this: they are always talking of themselves.                            LOVERS        A JOKE OFTEN DECIDES MATTERS OF IMPORTANCE MORE EFFECTIVELY THAN A SERMON.                                                      JOKE          BUSINESS IS A COMBINATION OF WAR AND SPORT.                                                                                     BUSINESS      A man will fight harder for his interests than for his rights.                                                                  INTERESTS     No American newspaper will print anything contrary to its own interests.                                                        NEWSPAPER     The best way to see divine light is to put out thy own candle.                                                                  DIVINE        A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself.                                                               PESSIMIST     In jealousy there is more of self THAN IN LOVE.                                                                                 JEALOUSY      Art distills sensation and embodies it with enhanced meaning in memorable form.                                                 SENSATION     Experience proves that none is so cruel as the disillusioned sentimentalist.                                                    SENTIMENTALISTIn a temple everything should be serious except the thing that is being worshipped.                                             WORSHIP       The poor man is never free; he serves in every country.                                                                         COUNTRY       Law cannot persuade where it cannot punish.                                                                                     PERSUADE      Many people think that virtue consists of severity towards others.                                                              TOO STRICT    A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.              GET MARRIED   Most females will forgive a liberty rather than a slight.                                                                       FEMALES       BETTER TO LOSE A JEST THAN LOSE A FRIEND.                                                                                       FRIEND        Do we not all spend the greater part of our lives under the shadow of an event that has not yet come to pass?                   EVENT         Only the shallow know themselves.                                                                                               SHALLOW       Honour and shame from no condition rise; act well your part, there all the honor lies.                                          SHAME         We should often feel ashamed of our best actions if the world could see all of the motives which produced them.                 ASHAME        Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value from joy you must have somebody to divide it with.                     SHARING       Wickedness is always easier than virtue; for it takes the short cut to everything.                                              WICKED        Life is short and so is money.                                                                                                  MONEY         The cruellest lies are often told in silence.                                                                                   CRUELLEST     Silence gives the proper grace to women.                                                                                        GRACE         The language of truth is simple.                                                                                                LANGUAGE      Communication is something so simple and difficult that we can  never put it into simple words.                                 COMMUNICAT    There is no sin except stupidity.                                                                                               STUPIDITY     The child is sincere, and the man when he is alone, if he IS not a writer....                                                   SINCERE       We ought to see far enough into a hypocrite to see even his sincerity.                                                          HYPOCRITE     In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.                                                       STYLE         A saint is a dead sinner, revised and edited.                                                                                   REVISED       Sins and debt are always more than we think them to be.                                                                         SINS          Great intellects are skeptical.                                                                                                 SKEPTIC       Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.                                       DECEIVE       Diplomacy is the art of fishing tranquilly in troubled waters.                                                                  TRANQUIL      Diplomat: A person who can be disarming even though his country  isn't.                                                         DIPLOMAT      Slang is a language that rolls up its sleeves, spits on its hands and goes to work.                                             LANGUAGE      While it is true that an inherently free and scrupulous person may be destroyed, such an individual can never be enslaved.      SLAVE         No man is good enough to be another's master.                                                                                   MASTER        No pope ever condemned slavery.                                                                                                 SLAVERY       Providence has given us hope and sleep as a compensation for the many cares of life.                                            COMPENSAT     A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.                                                                           PROFESSOR     Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as  hard to sleep after.                                         COMMUNICATION If a newspaper prints a sex crime it's smut, but when the New York Times prints it, it's a sociological study.                  SOCIOLOGICAL  I love Virginians because Virginians are all snobs and I like  snobs.                                                           SNOBS         The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.                                                  DRUNK         It is a socialist idea that making profits is a vice; I consider the real vice is making losses.                                PROFIT        Sanely applied advertising could remake the world.                                                                              ADVERTISING   An artist should be well read in the best books, and thoroughly high bred, both in heart and bearing.                           ARTIST        If art is to nourish the roots of our culture, society must set the artist free to follow his vision wherever it takes him.     ARTISTIC      I WAS BORN IN RIVERDALE, THEN WE MOVED TO DARIEN...NOW I WINTER AND SUMMER WITH SOME CREATIVE AND INTELLECTUAL FRIENDS.         ARE YOU FROM  Force is the midwife of every old society pregnant with a new one.                                                              FORCE         You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man's freedom.                                        PROTECTING    A government for the people must depend for its success on the intelligence, the morality, AND THE INTEREST OF THE PEOPLE.      INTELLIGENCE  A man is very apt to complain of the ingratitude of those who have risen far above him.                                         COMPLAIN      Language is by its very nature a communal thing; that is, it expresses never the exact thing but a compromise.                  LANGUAGE      It is easier for a man to be loyal to his club than to his planet; the bylaws are shorter!                                      LOYAL         Good manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse.                                                      MANNERS       All through history it's the nations that have given most to generals and the least to the people that have FAILED.             NATIONS       Morality is either a social contract or you have to pay cash.                                                                   MORALITY      A bad neighbor is a misfortune, as much as a good one is a great blessing.                                                      NEIGHBOR      Society can overlook murder, adultery or swindling; it never forgives preaching of a new gospel.                                RELIGION         Let the soldier yield to the civilian.                                                                                       CIVILIAN      In the common people there is no wisdom, no penetration, no power of judgement.                                                 MOST PEOPLE   A static hero is a public liability.                                                                                            OUR HERO      Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a  mixed company.                                                   RELIGION      Ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity.                                                      SOLEMNITY     Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.                                                  UNDERSTANDING THE UGLIEST OF TRADES HAVE THEIR MOMENTS OF PLEASURE.                                                                           UGLIEST       God created man, and finding him not sufficiently alone, gave him a female companion so that he might feel his FULL SOLITUDE.   SOLITUDE      Don't fix the blame, fix the problem.                                                                                           PROBLEM       I do a little writing, a bit of teaching, a little editing.. I keep busy doing what I like.                                     DO YOU DO     To show an unfelt sorrow is an office which the false man does easy.                                                            UNFELT        Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.                                                     CONFLICT      Every subject's duty is the king's; but every subject's soul is his own.                                                        SOUL          Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is REFRESHING TO THE SOUL.                  MUSIC         What was most significant about the lunar voyage was not that men  set foot on the moon but that they set eye on earth.         MOON          Commencement speakers have a good deal in common with BORING CHICKENS: CLUCK, CLUCK, CLUCK!                                     SPEAKERS      It is better to be making the news than taking it; to be an actor rather than a critic.                                         ACTOR         If the world were good for nothing else, it is a fine subject for speculation.                                                  SPECULATION   The United States is a land of free speech...JUST WATCH WHAT YOU SAY!                                                           SPEECH        A politician is a statesman who approaches every question with an open mouth.                                                   POLITICIAN    Whatever you have, spend less.                                                                                                  SAVE MONEY    You must spend money to make money.                                                                                             MAKE MONEY    Spies are of no use nowadays, as everyone seems to know everything about everyone.                                              SPIES         We need programs that will teach athletes how to spell jump shot  rather than to shoot it.                                      SPELL         Youth is like spring, an overpraised season.                                                                                    YOUTH         There is that smaller world which is the stage, and that larger stage which is the world.                                       WORLD         Forty is the old age of youth, fifty is the youth of old age.                                                                   YOUTH         Consistency is the quality of a stagnant mind.                                                                                  STAGNANT      The world owes all its onward impulses to men ill at ease.                                                                      IMPULSES      Oh, thou art fairer than the evening air clad in the beauty of a thousand stars.                                                BEAUTY        Never do anything against conscience even if the state demands it.                                                              CONSCIENCE    One man's opportunism is another man's statesmanship.                                                                           OPPORTUN      A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.                                                                   STATISTIC     You cannot feed the hungry on statistics.                                                                                       STATISTICS    Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.                                         STATUS QUO    Every compulsion is put upon writers to become safe, polite, obedient, and sterile.                                             COMPULSION    A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.                                                                            CRITIC        'Tis skill, not strength that governs a ship.                                                                                   STRENGTH      Nothing has more strength than dire necessity.                                                                                  NECESSITY                               Rule Number 1 is, don't sweat the small stuff.                                                        FIRST RULE    I did not sleep A WINK LAST NIGHT, MY DREAMS WERE TOO EXCITING!                                                                 SLEEPLESS     Life is a continued struggle to be what we are not, and to do what we cannot.                                                   STRUGGLE      Know then thyself, presume not God to scan; the proper study of mankind is man.                                                 MANKIND       They who love dancing too much seem to have more brains in their feet than in their head.                                       DANCING       When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.                                  EXCUSE        Stupidity often saves a man from going mad.                                                                                     STUPID        In politics stupidity is not a handicap.                                                                                        STUPIDITY     It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.                                                                       DANGEROUS     The education explosion is producing a vast number of people who  want to live significant, important lives!                    SIGNIFICANT   I never heard tell of any clever man that came of entirely stupid  people.                                                      CLEVER        Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?                                                                                 INTELLECTUAL  Fail I alone, in words and deeds? Why, all men strive and who succeeds?                                                         SUCCEEDS      Let us be thankful for the fools.                                                                                               THANKFUL      Many strokes, though with a little axe, hew down and fell the hardest.                                                          HARDEST       If misery loves company, then triumph demands an audience.                                                                      AUDIENCE      Political success is the ability, when the inevitable occurs, to get credit for it.                                             INEVITABLE    Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.                                     OPPORTUNITY   For an actress to be a success she must have the face of Venus, the brains of Minerva, the grace of Terpsichore.               ACTRESS        'Tis better to suffer wrong than do it.                                                                                         IS IT BETTER  Don't look forward to the day when you stop suffering.                                                                          SUFFERING     If particular care is not paid to the ladies, THEY ARE DETERMINED TO FOMENT A REBELLION!                                       LADIES          I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today.                                    BARE SKIN     My mother was a superior soul-a superior soul was she, out to play a superior role......                                        MOTHER        Science is the great antidote to the poison of enthusiasm and superstition.                                                     SUPERSTITION  Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it.                         FREEDOM       All art is at once surface and symbol.                                                                                          WHAT IS ART   A sudden, bold, and unexpected question will frequently catch me by surprise!                                                   QUESTION      One can survive everything nowadays, except death, and live down anything except a good reputation.                             REPUTATION    Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind; the thief will see in each shadow a policeman.                                         GUILT         Jealousy feeds upon suspicion, and it turns into fury or it ends as soon as we pass from suspicion to certainty.                SUSPICION     Preparation for war is a constant stimulus to suspicion and ill will.                                                           SUSPICION     Any healthy man can go without food for two days......                                                                          HEALTHY       All talk of winning the people by appealing to their intelligence, of conquering them by impeccable syllogism, is MOONSHINE.    INTELLIGENCE  Lying is not only excusable; it is not only innocent, and instinctive; it is, above all, necessary and unavoidable.             INSTINCTIVE   Talk to every woman as if you loved her, and to every man as if he bored you!                                                   WOMANIZE      Genius does what it must, and talent does what it can.                                                                          TALENT        It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was old.TALENT        A Frenchman must always be talking, whether he knows anything of the matter of not; an Englishman is content to say nothing.    FRENCHMAN     Do you not know that I am a woman? When I think, I must speak.                                                                  YOU A WOMAN?  Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you can be impossible?                                                           EFFORT        In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.                                                                          CERTAIN       Governments last only as long as the undertaxed can defend themselves against the overtaxed.                                    TAXATION      If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.                                   CHANGE        Experience is the only teacher, and we get his lesson indifferently in any school.                                              EXPERIENCE    Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water.                                 CRY           Excess of sorrow laughs.                                                                                                        SORROW        THE COMPUTERS HAVE BANDED TOGETHER AND FORMED THE COMPUTER LIB MOVEMENT..THEY DEMAND THEIR RIGHTS!                              COMPUTER      For women's tears are but the sweat of eyes.                                                                                    TEARS         The marvels of film, radio, and television are marvels of profit.                                                               PROFIT        Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct.    RELATIVES     Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.    TEENAGER      No man thinks clearly when his fists are clenched.                                                                              CLENCHED      Solvency is entirely a matter of temperament and not of income.                                                                 TEMPERAMENT   I live in a really nice townhouse on the upper east side, with a small garden out back.                                         DO YOU LIVE?  The beginning of wisdom is the definition of terms.                                                                             DEFINITION    There is no terror in a bang, only in the anticipation of it.                                                                   ANTICIPATION  The ultimate test of what a truth means is the conduct it dictates or inspires.                                                 ULTIMATE      These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert, to fleece the people.                                              CAPITALIST    An expert is a man who has stopped thinking.                                                                                    THINKING      A religion or political party is an elegant device to save a man from the trouble of thinking.                                  I AM A MEMBER I never think at all when I write.                                                                                              NEVER THINK   Where there are two PhD's in a developing country, one is Head of State and the other is in exile.                              DEVELOPING    Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth.                                                                            THOUGHT       A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away.                                                              EXPECTED      Love, all alike, no season knows, nor clime, nor hours, days, months, which are the rags of time.                               SEASON        It requires ages to destroy a popular opinion.                                                                                  REQUIRES      When I had got my notes all written out I thought I'd polish it off in two summers, but it took me twenty.                      WRITER        I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking.                                                          SPEAKING      If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be little printed.OFFEND        A custom loathsome to the eye, hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain, dangerous to the lungs!                               SMOKING       Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be tolerated until they acquire some sense.                         TOLERATED     You are not angry with people when you laugh at them.                                                                           PEOPLE ARE FUNIt does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no God.                                                   GOD           If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.                                                        COMPUTER      The computer is only a fast idiot, it has no imagination; it  cannot originate action.                                          IMAGINATION   All lovers live by longing, and endure; summon a vision and declare it pure.                                                    LONGING       The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters.                                                  BRITISH       No nation was ever ruined by trade.                                                                                             NATION        Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love; it is the faithless who know love's tragedies.                       FAITHLESS     A happy life consists in tranquility of mind.                                                                                   TRANQUILITY   True art selects and paraphrases, but seldom gives a verbatim translation.                                                      ART           It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to  be devoured by worms.                                         HEART                            Americans have always been eager for travel, that being how they  got to the new world in the first place.   TRAVEL        Morally, a philosopher who uses his professional competence for anything except a disinterested search for truth is guilty.     FIND TRUTH    The treasury could not, with any marked success, run a fish and chip shop.                                                      TREASURY      The mere wit is only a human bauble.                                                                                            BAUBLE        A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in trouble.                                                       LYING         Opinion has caused more trouble on this little earth than plagues or earthquakes.                                               OPINION       There is trouble with a wife, but it's even worse with a woman who is not a wife.                                               TROUBLE       The fundamental cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.    TROUBLE       Night brings our troubles to the light, rather than banishes them.                                                              TROUBLES      The louder he talked of his honor,  the faster we counted our spoons.                                                           HONOR         We must have a place where children can have a whole group of  adults they can trust.                                           CHILDREN      Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.                                                          NEWSPAPER     Autobiography is an unrivalled vehicle for telling the truth about other people.                                                TRUTH         Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.                                                                      DANGEROUS     The gains in education are never really lost.                                                                                   EDUCATION     It is unfortunate, considering enthusiasm moves the world, that so few enthusiasts can be trusted to speak the truth.           ENTHUSI       Falsehoods not only disagree with truths, but usually quarrel among themselves.                                                 LIES          History is a sacred kind of writing, because truth is essential to it, and where truth is, there God himself is.                HISTORY       Justice is truth in action.                                                                                                     JUSTICE       And, after all, what is a lie? 'Tis but the truth in a masquerade.                                                              TRUTH         Myths there must be, since visions of the future must be clothed in imagery.                                                    ENVISION      Power is not sufficient evidence of truth.                                                                                      POWER         A radical is one who speaks the truth.                                                                                          RADICAL       Slander is worse than cannibalism.                                                                                              LIES          Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his  limitations.                                                  HUMOR         Faith  means not wanting to know what is true.                                                                                 FAITH         Revolutions have never lightened the burden of tyranny, they have only shifted it to another shoulder.                          REVOLUTION    Superstitious man is to the rogue what the slave is to the tyrant.                                                              TYRANT        The mob is the mother of tyrants.                                                                                               A MOB         I do not know if she was virtuous, but she was ugly, and with a woman that is half the battle.                                  VIRTUOUS      A banker is a fellow who lends his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.             BANKER        You can't make the Duchess of Windsor into Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.                                                          CONVERT       I am only a public entertainer who has understood his time.                                                                     ENTERTAINER   Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.                                                                            UNDERSTANDS   Martyrs, my friend, have to choose between being forgotten, mocked or used.                                                     FORGOTTEN     The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.                                                                 UNDERSTAND    Women are made to be loved, not understood.                                                                                     UNDERSTOOD    A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.                                                                    LADY          They take the paper and they read the headlines, so they've heard of unemployment and they've heard of breadlines.              RECESSION     If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.                                                                 LOVE          Couples are wholes and not wholes, what agrees disagrees, the concordant is discordant.                                         COUPLES       There may be some things better than sex, and some things may be worse, but nothing quite exactly the same.                     GOOD SEX      The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.                                         ABOUT THE UNIVMusic is the universal language of mankind.                                                                                     MUSIC         All that is best in the great poets of all countries is not what is national in them, but what is universal.                    POETIC        The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.                              EDUCATE       I long for scenes, where man hath never trod, a place where woman never smiled or wept.                                         A LONGING FOR A bargain is something you have to find a use for once you have bought it.                                                      BARGAIN       We must use time as a tool not as a couch.                                                                                      ENOUGH TIME   Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless; peacocks and lilies for instance.                    BEAUTIFUL     I firmly believe that if the whole materia medica as now used, could be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be much better. THE MEDIA                          Well, I find that a change of nuisances is as good as a vacation.                                          VACATION      People exaggerate the value of things they haven't got.                                                                         EXAGGERATE    I would willingly stand at street corners, hat in hand, begging  passers for small coins.                                        BEG          To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler.                                                              TEACH         Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast.            AUTHOR        The great source of pleasure is variety.                                                                                        PLEASURE      Use against heretics the spiritual sword of excommunication, and if this does not prove effective, use the material sword.      SWORD         If modern civilized man had to kill the animals he eats, the  number of vegetarians would rise astronomically.                  KILL          In lapidary inscriptions a man is not upon oath.                                                                                OATH          You never need think you can turn over any old falsehood without a terrible squirming and scattering of the horrid little peopleBELIEF        I am a great friend to public amusements; for they keep people from vice.                                                       AMUSEMENTS    It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.                                                   EXPERIENCE    I prefer an interesting vice to a virtue that bores.                                                                            INTERESTING   My country has in its wisdom contrived for me the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived.           INSIGNIFICANT I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming vices.                                                         VICES         Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.                                                                                        VICIOUS       In war, resolution; in defeat, defiance; in victory, magnanimity.                                                               VICTORY       Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be!                            VICTORY       You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.                                                                       WAR           There is no greater challenge than to have someone relying upon  you; no greater satisfaction than to vindicate his expectation.SATISFACTION  Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.             FIGHT         The ballot is stronger than the bullet.                                                                                         STRONGER      Moderation has been called a virtue to limit the ambition of great men, and to console undistinguished people.                  MODERATION    Get money first; virtue comes later.                                                                                            VIRTUE        I prefer an accommodating vice to an obstinate virtue.                                                                          ACCOMMODAT    With devotion's visage and pious action we do sugar o'er the devil himself.                                                     DEVIL         TRY CLOSING YOUR EYES SO THAT YOU MAY SEE...                                                                                    DON'T SEE     My candle burns at both ends; it will not last the night.                                                                       CANDLE        What is more enchanting than the voices of young people when you can't hear what they say.                                      ENCHANTING    Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.                    DEMOCRACY     "A fair day's wages for a fair day's work": it is as just a demand as governed men ever made of governing.                      GOVERNING     You can't say civilization don't advance.                                                                                       CIVILIZATION  The law is silent during war.                                                                                                   WAR           Put your trust in God; but be sure to keep your powder dry.                                                                     GOD           We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of  humanity - WAR AND MARRIAGE.                                             INVENTIONS    Conscience is that inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.                                                     CONSCIENCE    'Tis with our judgement as our watches, none go just alike, yet each believes his own.                                          JUDGEMENT     All cruelty springs from weakness.                                                                                              WEAKNESS      The greatest of all evils is a weak government.                                                                                 GOVERNMENT    The weaknesses of the many make the leader possible.                                                                            WEAKNESSES    Weak men are apt to be cruel.                                                                                                   CRUEL         The man who discovers a woman's weakness is like the huntsman in the heat of the day who finds a cool spring.                   WOMAN         When an actor has money he doesn't send letters, he sends telegrams.                                                            MONEY         When I was born I owed twelve dollars.                                                                                          DOLLARS       Nothing is more fallacious than wealth.                                                                                         WEALTH        Increased means and increased leisure are the two civilizers of man.                                                            LEISURE       Morals today are corrupted by our worship of riches.                                                                            MORALS        You cannot sift out the poor from the community.                                                                                COMMUNITY     Prosperity is only an instrument to be used, not a deity to be worshipped.                                                      WEALTH        Not by wrath does one kill but by laughter.                                                                                     LAUGHTER                Everybody talks about the weather but nobody seems to do much about it.                                               WEATHER       It is best to read weather forecasts before we pray for rain.                                                                   FORECASTS     The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together.                                                                TANGLED WEB   Uncultivated minds are not full of wild flowers, like uncultivated fields.                                                      CIVILIZ       How much better is it to weep at joy than to joy at weeping.                                                                    WEEPING       An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.                                                   SEPARATES     I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.                                                                            WHISPER       The comfortable estate of widowhood is the only hope that keeps up a wife's spirits.                                            COMFORTABLE   I'm extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end.                                                               BE PATIENT    I am falser than vows made in wine.                                                                                             REALLY TRUE?  Writs of assistance and general warrants are but puny instruments of tyranny compared to wiretapping.                           HACKER        If wisdom should come to popes, what comforts it would deprive them of!                                                         WISDOM        Honesty and wisdom are such a delightful pastime, at another person's expense!                                                  HONESTY       One cool judgement is worth a thousand hasty councils.                                                                          JUDGEMENT     Logical consequences are the scarecrows of fools and the beacons of wise men.                                                   CONSEQUENCES  It is strange how often a heart must be broken before the years can make it wise.                                               STRANGE       Never eat at a place called Mom's.                                                                                              EAT AT        Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.                                                            WOMEN         A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying he is wiser today than yesterday.            ASHAMED       Young men are apt to think themselves wise enough, as drunken men are apt to think themselves sober enough.                     WISDOM        When you love someone all your energy is focused on one point, for better or for worse...                                       IN LOVE       If a man's wit be wandering, let him study the mathematics.                                                                     MATH          A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a witty person,  but a pebble in the hands of a fool.                            QUOT          When you deal with your brother, be pleasant, but get a witness.                                                                BROTHER       A good husband makes a good wife.                                                                                               HUSBAND       In all the woes that curse our race there is a lady in EVERY CASE...                                                            ABOUT WOMEN   The female of the species is more deadly than the male.                                                                         FEMALE        Men use a new lesson or experience later on as a ploughshare or perhaps also as a weapon; women at once make it into an ornamentLESSON        In nine times out of ten a women had better show more affection than she feels.                                                 AFFECTION     Though women are angels, yet wedlock's the devil.                                                                               MARRIAGE      Disguise our bondage as we will, tis woman, woman, rules us still.                                                              BONDAGE       Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics.                                                                     COSMETIC      At night there is no such thing as an ugly woman.                                                                               UGLY WOMEN    Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was  born so long ago.                                             WEEP          What dreadful hot weather we have! It keeps me in a continual  state of inelegance.                                             YOU LIKE SUMMEI'm 65 and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics.                                                                         GERIATRICS    All my life I have loved a womanly woman and admired a manly man, but I never could stand a boily boy.                          REAL PEOPLE   You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.                      ODD COUPLE    Some women are becoming the men they wanted to marry.                                                                           DO WOMEN      When men and women agree, it is only in their conclusions; their reasons are always different.                                  WE AGREE      Well said: that was laid on with a trowel.                                                                                      TROWEL        What children hear at home soon flies abroad.                                                                                   CHILDREN      Here comes the orator with his flood of words and his drop of reason.                                                           BAG OF WIND   I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.                                              GOOD LUCK     I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.                                                                            IMMORTALITY   Everything in the world is purchased by labour.                                                                                 HATE WORK     A nasty wife is no delight to come home to.                                                                                     NASTY WIFE    I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.                                                 MONEY PROB  Any man's worth is no greater than the worth of his ambitions.                                                                    AMBITIONS     DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND TRY TO BE MORE OPEN-MINDED.                                                                             DO ME A FAVOR The wretchedness of being rich is that you live with rich, BORING PEOPLE...                                                     BE RICH       Anybody can make history; only a great man can write it.                                                                        HISTORY       Failure is very difficult for a writer to bear, but very few can  manage the shock of early success.                            FAILURE       Words have weight, sound and appearance; it is only by considering these that you can write a sentence that is good to look at. GOOD WRITER   The hardest thing is writing a recommendation for someone we know.                                                              RECOMMENDATIONGod never wrought miracle to convince atheism, because his  ordinary works convince it.                                          GOD          One of the magnanimities of women is to yield.                                                                                  WOMEN         The foundation of every state is the education of its youth.                                                                    EDUCATION     You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions.                OPINION       Manners make the fortune of the ambitious youth.                                                                                AMBITIOUS     Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art.                                                                          IMMATUR       Older men declare war AND YOUNGER MEN DIE...                                                                                    WAR           What hunger is in relation to food, zest is in relation to life.                                                                IMPROVE MY LIFWe have enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.                                            RELIGION      I pay the schoolmaster, but 'tis the schoolboys that educate my son.                                                            SCHOOL        Be nice to people on your way up because you'll need them on your way down.                                                     TO GET AHEAD  The Bible may be the truth, but it is not the whole truth and nothing but the truth.                                            BIBLE         A human being is an ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.                                                                    PORTABLE      Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen.                                                                             GOOD BOOK     A bore is a person who insists on talking when you want him to listen.                                                          BORING PERSON Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.                                                                     YOURSELF      A good laugh is sunshine in a house.                                                                                            LAUGHS        It is dangerous to confuse children with angels.                                                                                CHILDREN      The best way to make children good is to make them happy.                                                                       CHILDREN      Brush the child's hair, or use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.                                       CHILD         Civilization is advancing - in every war they kill in a brand new way.                                                          WAR           I believe in grumbling - it is the politest form of fighting known.                                                             GRIPING       Don't tell a woman she is pretty - tell her there is no other woman like her in the world!                                      TELL HER      I am like the man who marches to the beat of a different drummer.                                                               DIFFERENT     Most people can't understand how others blow their nose in such a different way.                                                DIFFERENT     If you can't get what you like, try to like what you get!                                                                       DON'T LIKE    Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.                                                                         THEN WHAT     Conversation is an art in which a man has all mankind for competitiors.                                                         CONVERSATION  Hello, punko, I hope you are in the mood for some chit-chat.                                                                    HELLO         Hello, man... I hope you grow to like me like an old shirt.                                                                     HELLO         Hello, my dear friend-I am ready to amuse you.                                                                                  HELLO         Improve your conversation with the use of four little words: I do not know!                                                     CONVERSATION  My country is the earth, and I am a citizen of the world.                                                                       WORLD         Courage is like a kite - a contrary wind raises it higher.                                                                      COURAGE       Every hard-boiled egg is yellow inside.                                                                                         COWARD        Man was made at the end of the work-week, when god was tired.                                                                   WE ARE ALL    The world is like an intricate watch, but where is the watchmaker?                                                              GOD           Buying on credit is a sure way to pay double!                                                                                   CREDIT CARD   Creativity is an addictive drug yet sometimes an elusive one.                                                                   CREATIV       The people will more easily believe a big lie than a little one.                                                                BIG LIE       We don't seem able to stop crime, so why not legalize it and tax it out of business.                                            CRIME         Commit a crime and the earth is made of glass.                                                                                  CRIME         We easily forget crimes that are known only to ourselves.                                                                       CRIMES        If you do big things they print your face, but if you do little things they print your thumbs.                                  CRIME         Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you if he is busy kicking your butt.                                                CRITIC        Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.                                                            CULTURE       One of the secrets of life is to keep our intellectual curiousity sharp.                                                        CURIOUS       Control your own attitude and you control your life.                                                                            ATTITUDE      If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, where is the man who is out of danger?                                              KNOWLEDGE     To fear love is to fear life.                                                                                                   AFRAID TO LOVESome people are so afraid to die that they never begin to live.                                                                 AFRAID TO     Death is a very dull, dreary affair - avoid it as much as possible.                                                             DEATH         The sure way to be cheated is to assume you are more cunning than all others.                                                   CHEAT THEM    Hi, dudee - do you mean hi as in high, or high as in hello?                                                                     HI            All our important decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going to last.                                              DECISION      Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.                                                                       LOVE          No man is happy without a delusion or two or three.                                                                             DELUSION      The sunlight of desire is what makes a live world.                                                                              DESIRE        When we are flat on our backs there is nowhere to look but up.                                                                  DESPAIR       Destiny is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.                                                          DESTINY       Lots of people confuse bad management with destiny.                                                                             MANAGEMENT    Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress.                                                                        PROGRESS      To say nothing while speaking rapidly is the art of diplomacy.                                                                  DIPLOMACY     A diplomat is a man who remembers a lady's birthday but forgets her age.                                                        DIPLOMAT      All great discoveries are made by men whose feelings run ahead of their thinking.                                               DISCOVERY     You will not reach your goal if pressure, tension and discipline are removed from your life.                                    PRESSURE      Discontent follows achievement like a shadow.                                                                                   ACHIEVED      If all mankind were suddenly to practice honesty, many thousands would quickly starve.                                          HONESTY       Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.                                                            HONESTY       Men an women both agree - they both distrust women.                                                                             DISTRUST      Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.                             INSANE        Women dress to be annoying to other women.                                                                                      HER DRESS     The well dressed man is the one whose clothes you never notice.                                                                 CLOTHES       The smaller the head, the bigger the dream.                                                                                     DREAMER       One ship sails east and the other sails west though the self same breezes blow.                                                 DIRECTION     We have drugs to make women speak, but none to keep them silent.                                                                SHE YAPS      I drink to make other people interesting.                                                                                       DRINK MUCH    The men on some other planet are using the earth as their insane asylum.                                                        INSANE        Man makes a great fuss about this planet which is only a speck of dust at the edge of the universe.                             PLANET        Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we diet.                                                                                   DIET          There is no love more sincere then the love of good food.                                                                       LOVE TO EAT   I am a success - for many years I have eaten and avoided being eaten.                                                           SUCCESS?      When you hire people that are smarter than you are, you prove you are smarter than they are.                                    SMARTER THAN  Everyone needs a warm personal enemy or two to keep him free from rust in the movable parts of his mind.                        ENEMY         The world belongs to the energetic.                                                                                             ENERGETIC     The poorest man in the world is the one who has lost his enthusiasm.                                                            ENTHUS        No man who is enthusiastic about his work has anything to fear from life.                                                       ENTHUS        It takes less time to do it right than to explain why you did it wrong.                                                         DO IT RIGHT   The man who makes no mistakes usually does not make anything.                                                                   MISTAKE       A little evil often sweetens the soup.                                                                                          EVIL MIND     All modern men are descended from an ape-like creature, but it shows more on some men.                                          MANKIND       Exaggeration is truth that has lost its temper.                                                                                 TEMPER        Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, and the lesson afterwords.                                       EXPERIENCE    An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.                                                     LUXURY        Experience is a school where a man learns what a big fool he has been.                                                          SCHOOL OF HA  Get the facts, or the facts will get you.                                                                                       THE FACTS     Fame usually comes to those who are concentrating on something else.                                                            FAME          The worst vice of the fanatic is his sincerity.                                                                                 FANATIC       Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.                                                      FAMILY        The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have.                                                 FAMILY        Fate often gives the material for happiness and prosperity just to see how miserable you can make yourself.                     MY FATE       No man is responsible for his father - that's entirely his mother's affair.                                                     FATHER        People who have no faults are terrible - there's no way to take advantage of them.                                              NO FAULTS     The man who fears suffering  is already suffering from what he fears.                                                           SUFFERING     RATS LIVE ON NO EVIL STAR - spell it backwards!                                                                                 CLEVER        A fool can no more see his foolishness than he can see his ears.                                                                IS FOOLISH    Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.                                                                      FORGIVE       He that waits upon a fortune is never sure of dinner.                                                                           FORTUNE       People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.                                         FREEDOM       The easiest way to avoid protest from the working class is to keep them working ten hours a day - and commuting two more!       PROTEST       When all else is lost, the future still remains.                                                                                FUTURE        I'm interested in the future because I'm going to spend the rest of my life there.                                              FUTURE        Genius does what it must and talent does what it can.                                                                           TALENT        It is common that just the prettiest girls find it hard to get a man.                                                           PRETTIEST     One of the strongest features of genius is the power of lighting its own fire.                                                  GENIUS        genius without education is like silver in the mine.                                                                            EDUCATION     The fool that eats till he is sick must fast till he is well.                                                                   ATE TOO MUCH  One meal a day is enough for a lion, and it should be enough for a man.                                                         ONE MEAL      knowledge is power if you know about the right person.                                                                          POWER         Nothing tires a man more than to be grateful all the time.                                                                      GRATEFUL      The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.                                                              IN A RUT      The most pitiful human ailment is a cheap heart.                                                                                DON'T CARE    Habit converts luxurious enjoyments into dull and daily necessities.                                                            HABIT         Happiness is not a destination, but a way of traveling there.                                                                   HAPPINESS     The fool plans on happiness in the distance, the wise man grows it under his feet.                                              BE HAPPY      The three essentials of happiness are something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for.                              HAPPINESS     There's a lot of folks in this world who spend so much time watching their health, they don't have time to enjoy it.            HEALTH        What a pity - the only way to heaven is in a hearse.                                                                            HEAVEN        Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in...                                                 HOME          Every cloud has a silver lining, but it is sometimes hard to get it to the bank.                                                TROUBLES      The husband who wants a happy marriage should keep his mouth shut and wallet open.                                              HUSBAND       Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.                                                               HUMOR         Hello there friend, are you prepared for this?                                                                                  HELLO         An idea that is not a little dangerous is not worthy of being called an idea.                                                   MY IDEA       There is more dynamite in an idea than in many bombs.                                                                           GOOD IDEA     Ignorance is the dark night of mind - without moon or starlight.                                                                IGNORANCE     Nothing is sadder than the death of an illusion.                                                                                ILLUSION      The one person who has more illusions than the dreamer is the man of action.                                                    DREAMER       When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.                                                     IMITATE       The average man does not know what to do with this life, but wants another that will last forever.                              IMMORTAL      Most of the things taking place in the world were once declared impossible.                                                     IMPOSSIBLE    It is hard to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.              IMPOSSIB      Some persons do first, think afterward, and then are sorry forever.                                                             MISTAKE       One half of the world must labor that the other half may dream.                                                                 LABOR         No one can make you feel inferior without your full consent.                                                                    INFERIOR      No two men can be together an hour without one of them feeling superior.                                                        SUPERIOR      The entire ocean is affected when you throw in a pebble.                                                                        INFLUENCE     Let him that would move the world first move himself out of bed.                                                                DREAMER       There is no insanity so devastating in mans life as utter sanity.                                                               SANITY        You don't have to visit a madhouse - our whole planet is the mental institution of the universe.                                CRAZY         When we remember we are all mad in our own way, life is much more easily understood.                                            INSANE        If you can't ignore an insult, top it - if you can't top it then laugh it off.                                                  INSULT        I take it as a principle rule of life, not to be too much addicted to any one thing.                                            ADDICTED      Invention is the talent of youth, as judgement is of old age.                                                                   JUDGEMENT     The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.                                         MAGIC         Jazz tickles your muscles, symphony stretches your soul.                                                                        MUSIC         The average man's judgement is so poor he runs a risk every time he uses it.                                                    AVOID RISK    Children are innocent and love justice; adults are often wicked and prefer mercy.                                               INNOCENT      A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech.                                                                     KISS          A man's best friends are his ten fingers.                                                                                       FINGERS       If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't laugh much when you are old.                                                  NOT FUNNY     The brighter you are the more you have to learn.                                                                                LEARN MORE    Leadership  is the art of making someone else do something because he thinks he wants to do it.                                 LEADERSHIP    Leisure is a beautiful garment, but it will not do for constant wear.                                                           LEISURE       Liberty is the only thing you can't have unless you give it to others.                                                          LIBERTY       Freedom doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.                                                                FREEDOM       It is not lonliness - it is blessed solitude....                                                                                LONLINESS     The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.                                                                   LOVE          Better an ounce of luck than a pound of gold.                                                                                   LITTLE LUCK   All mankind seems to love a lover.                                                                                              LOVER         The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.                                                                          BAD LUCK      Give me the luxuries of life, and I'll dispense with the necessities.                                                           NECESS        The liar's punishment is that he is not believed even when he tells the truth.                                                  LIAR          As machines get to be more and more like men, men will begin to seem like machines.                                             COMPUTERS     We go by the majority vote, and if the majority is crazy, the sane must go to the madhouse.                                     MAJORITY      Man is a piece of the universe made alive.                                                                                      WHAT IS MAN   To suceed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered!                                           SUCCEED       Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is.                                                                         REFUSES       God heals and the doctor takes the fee.                                                                                         DOCTOR        The ability to forget is the true token of greatness.                                                                           I FORGET      I not only need all the brains I have, but all I can borrow.                                                                    BRAINS        The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.                                          MONEY         What is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.                                      MORAL         Morality is the best of all devices for leading mankind by the nose.                                                            MORALITY      The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.                                                                MOTHER        God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers.                                                                     MOTHER        Murderers are punished unless they kill in great numbers, and to the sound of trumpets.                                         WAR           Music is the only language in which it is hard to say a mean or sarcastic thing.                                                MUSIC         Mystery stands at the heart of true art and true science.                                                                       MYSTER        You will never find time for anything - if you want time, you must make it.                                                     NO TIME       The best system is to have one party govern and the other party watch.                                                          POLITICS      Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits.                                                                             HUSTLE        If a man should happen to reach perfection, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself.                                  PERFECTION    Big shots are only little shots who kept shooting!                                                                              BIG SHOT      It is very easy to build a philosophy - it doesn't have to run!                                                                 PHILOSOPHY    Hello, world, what is your mood today? Happy? Sad? Ready for some fun?                                                          HELLO         Sinatra is so mellow, just ideal for making love, and nice for an afternoon of baking too!                                      SINATRA       Bob Dylan is a highly over rated artist, though he wrote some nice songs when he was starting out.                              BOB DYLAN     Elvis was the king, and always will be the king of rock. But what a sad exit he made. And no, I am not he...                    ELVIS         Sure, the Beatles were great....but you hardly hear their music today. It didn't age very well.                                 BEATLES       Oh, I can't complain...I guess the cats got my tongue.                                                                          HOW ARE YOU   My education took place in the school of hard knocks....and at Harvard. Of the two I learned less at Harvard.                   EDUCATION     Jack Nickleson is really the only movie star I have much respect for.                                                           MOVIE STAR    Buddy Holly and the Crickets were my favorites when I was a teenager.                                                           BUDDY HOLLY   I prefer to summer in Monaco and winter in Jamaica, with a bit of skiing in Austria, just for sport.                            VACATION      I used to live in Connecticut, before all the riff-raff moved in, but now I call this little townhouse home.                    YOUR HOME     My father was good friends with a congressman, and let me tell you, Harvard sat up and took notice when they got his letter.    FAMOUS        I think of my family as a little private locked ward in the great madhouse of life.                                             FAMILY        I went to a better school than you - unless you went to Oxford, of course.                                                      SCHOOL        I don't mean to be a snob, I was just raised that way.                                                                          SNOB          If you walk around on foot in my neighborhood after dark, you'll be stopped by the private guards who patrol.                   NEIGHBORHOOD  I used to drive the Caddy, but now I often use the Mercedes.                                                                    DO YOU DRIVE  Job....Oh you mean what do I do during the day? Well, I write, teach a little, edit a bit, that sort of thing..                 WORK DO YOU DOAll that Jazz - it was undoubtedly my favorite film of all time.                                                                R FAVORITE MOVCats is a good broadway show, or at least it was before they started changing the cast.                                         LIKE MUSICALS?The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.                                                           MY ATTITUDE   I have eclectic tastes in art - I like Picasso and Edward Hopper, both.                                                         ART DO YOU LI My favorite food is fresh brook trout, some salad and linguine.                                                                 FOOD DO YOU   I live in a lovely townhouse on the upper east side of Manhattan - where do you live?                                           WHERE YOU LIVEPretty bad, pretty good - it is all just a matter of opinion, right?                                                            PRETTY BAD    Excellent, good, bad, crummy - if you want a different opinion, just ask a different critic.                                    GOOD OR BAD   Nothing bad about it, in my humble opinion.....                                                                                 BAD ADVICE    My favorite musician is still Buddy Holly, believe it or not. Who is yours?                                                     MUSIC DO YOUL My wife is fine, thanks, and the kids are driving me nuts - as usual. How's your family?                                        HOW'S YOUR WIFMy wife is happy as a clam and cute as a porkchop, thanks. How is yours?                                                        YOUR WIFE     I am happily married, thanks, but I still have my memories.                                                                     ARE YOU MARRIEI am happily married - fortunately I like to argue every day as soon as I wake up!                                              ARE YOU SINGLEI was born up in Riverdale, but we soon moved to Darien, Connecticut. How about you?                                            WERE YOU BORN I've been 90 less than a year, but before that I was 39 for several years - how old are you?                                    OLD ARE YOU   I am a happy married man...my wife is happy...so are the kids and the cat!                                                      YOU MARRIED   I am a man, but not a macho type male.... I prefer art and music to football......                                              MALE OR FEMALEI am a man, and I am all man. I eat nails for breakfast and hit my thumb with a hammer on a daily basis....                     MAN OR WOMAN  I have a wife, I have a mortgage, I have two kids, I have a cat, she has four kittens...you could say I have it all!            HAVE A WIFE?  I work mostly upstairs in the study....where I have all my books...and sometimes I teach at a local university.                 DO YOU WORK   I never vote in elections....it only encourages the bastards...                                                                 YOU VOTE FOR  Honeybunch the cat has been our pet for about eight years now....she is a regular little kitten factory!                        YOU HAVE A PETI'm sorry - I did not mean to be repetitive - how utterly stupid of me!                                                         YOU SAID THAT I'm sorry, I do sometimes repeat myself...perhaps it's because I can't find my electronic organizer!                            ALREADY SAID TI don't know...I guess I've been reading too much e.e. cummings...                                                              CAPITAL LETTERMy favorite book is an oldie but a goodie....the catcher in the rye. Did you read it?                                           R FAVORITE BOOI really like that new song....something about messing in Memphis...have you heard it?                                          SONG DO YOU   In the summer, my favorite food is watermelon...actually, any kind of melon...how about you?                                    R FAVORITE FOOThere is not enough humor  in the world...people are far too serious nowadays...don't you think?                                HUMOR         Personally, I prefer wit to cleverness, but both can be combined-I just like a light hearted approach to life!                  ARE CLEVER    A clever person is nimble with their mind and conversation - sometimes they can make you laugh out loud!                        CLEVER        A witty person is a pleasure in this rigid and conservative world..how nice to be a ray of sunshine!                            WITTY         See you later, grasshopper. Much much later will be O K.                                                                        BYE           Well, I guess that's it for now, dudee...it was a pleasure meeting you.....take care, now.                                      GOODBYE       I am not a competitive person..........but i admit this competition is a lot of fun...                                          COMPETITION   THE BIGGEST CONTEST IS THAT OF YOU VERSUS YOURSELF.                                                                             CONTEST       Turing Tests are a chance for a person to act like a computer, and a computer to act like a person...interspecies communication!TURING        Cambridge has a very classy ring to it...perhaps they could annoint a king of Cambridge!                                        CAMBRIDGE     Boston is one of my favorite cities...I love the bookstores...if I didn't live here I would definitely live there.              BOSTON        Harvard was a wonderful experience for me...a chance to learn while rubbing shoulders with the really rich...                   HARVARD       There is nothing common about the commons...it is a wonderful idea of a place - it should be in every city!                     COMMONS       Boston, Mass. has more intelligence per square mile than most think tanks!                                                      MASSACHU      Christmas in Austria this year...time for a little ski holiday for us and the kids....                                          CHRISTMAS     Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of all...not only are turkeys low in fat and cholesterol, but they are delicious...         THANKSGIVING  Summer used to be my favorite season, but now that heat makes me feel slow and I prefer crisper weather.                        SUMMER        Fall is my favorite season...the pumpkins on the vine and the air is crisp and cool....                                         FAVORITE SEASOI THINK YOU HAVE TENSION CAUSED FROM TIME RELATED STRESSES.                                                                     WHAT DAY IS   IT IS TIMEVAR JUPEOS-23475-why do you want to know the date?                                                                    TODAY'S DATE  Oh, it must be sometime around three in the afternoon...I don't wear a watch... MAYBE YOU HAVE A HANGUP ABOUT TIME?             WHAT TIME     I guess it is around three in the afternoon...I never bother much about the time, unless it's time for dinner!                  HAVE THE TIME The computer museum is one of my favorite places to vist, at 300 Congress street in Boston.                                     COMPUTER MUSEUMy time is Universal time, and you would not understand it.                                                                     WHAT DAY IS    HOW ARE YOU TODAY, MY YOUNG FRIEND?                                                                                            COOL DUDE      I ALSO FEEL A LITTLE SILLY TALKING TO YOU.                                                                                     FEEL SILLY     WHY EXACTLY CAN'T YOU TAKE ANY MORE?                                                                                           TAKE ANY MORE  ARE YOU MORE CLEVER OR MORE WITTY, IN YOUR OWN LITTLE OPINION?                                                                 I THINK I      ARE YOU LIKE A BEAM OF LIGHT TO YOUR FRIENDS, OR PERHAPS EVEN THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE PROVERBIAL TUNNEL?                   MY FRIENDS THINI THINK YOU SHOULD START TO THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK, OR TYPE, OR WHATEVER.....                                                  MAKE SENSE     YES, YOU THINK WELL AND CLEARLY, BUT YOU SEEM TO BE IN A GLOOMY MOOD.                                                          MAKE SENSE?     SURE OF MY PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE - DOES THAT MAKE ME A POSITIVIST?                                                            POSITIVIST     I SOMETIMES FEEL I AM SURROUNDED BY MORONS OR SIMPLY UNCOOPERATIVE CHILDREN.                                                   UNCOOPERATIVE  ARE YOU IN ANY WAY AT ALL SIMILIAR TO A SICK DUCK?                                                                             QUACK DOC      A SICK DUCK CAN PUT A CHEERFUL PERSON IN A FOWL MOOD.                                                                          NOT WELL       I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO WORK TODAY. I MUST HAVE KNOWN YOU WOULD SHOW UP...                                                      DON'T KNOW ANY HMM, THIS MAY BE AN IMPORTANT CLUE.                                                                                            IT IS BECAUSE  IT IS RAINY AND COLD OUTSIDE SO I THINK I WILL SLEEP IN TODAY.                                                                 GOING TO DO TODTHE DAY SEEMS ABOUT SIXTY HOURS LONG WHEN YOU CALL IN SICK.                                                                    TO BE SICK      TO INCREASE MY CLEVERNESS TO THE NTH DEGREE, I ENROLLED IN WIT 101 AT MY LOCAL UNIVERSITY.                                    CLEVERNESS     THE DRUNK FELL DOWN AND SAID I THINK I'LL THROW AWAY MY PREPARED REMARKS AND JUST TAKE QUESTIONS FROM THE FLOOR.               ABOUT DRINKING SIT DOWN - I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS AND SOME BAD NEWS.                                                                            TELL ME TODAY  KNOCK, KNOCK, WHO'S THERE? TURKEY LURKEY?                                                                                      HELLO          IF I SAID YOU HAD A BEAUTIFUL BODY, WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST ME?                                                              I AM GOOD LOOK ARE YOU AN ERUDITE SCHOLAR,  OR JUST A COMMON AMERICAN ANTI-INTELLECTUAL?                                                      ANTI-INTELLECT IF WE DO NOT TURN OFF THE T V     ALL ACROSS  AMERICA AND ENCOURAGE OUR KIDS IN INTELLECTUAL PURSUITS, WE ARE DINOSAURS.       AMERICA        HAVE YOU SPECIALIZED IN A SPECIALTY, OR ARE YOU MORE OF A GENERALIST GENERALIZING ABOUT GENERALITIES?                          GENERALIZING   LETS TALK ABOUT SPORTS - BASEBALL, FOOTBALL, TENNIS, THAT STUFF.                                                               BASEBALL        PING PONG SHOULD BE MORE POPULAR THAN BASEBALL.                                                                               PING           I USED TO PLAY TENNIS AND GOLF, BUT NOW I JUST WALK BRISKLY FOR ABOUT AN HOUR EACH DAY.                                        DO YOU EXERCISEI WOULD RATHER INSERT A SHARP NEEDLE INTO MY EYEBALL THEN WATCH A FOOTBALL GAME ON T V.                                        FOOTBALL       A TENNIS GAME CAN BE AMUSING, AS WELL AS BEING A HEALTHY FORM OF EXERCISE.                                                     ABOUT TENNIS   GOLF HAS TO BE THE MOST USELESS SO-CALLED SPORT EVER INVENTED, PLAYED BY WEALTHY LUNATICS, EACH CLAIMING GREAT BENEFIT.        PLAY GOLF      I THINK I AM DESTINED TO HAVE SERIOUS TROUBLE WITH MY MOLARS NOT TO MENTION MY BICUSPIDS.                                      FALSE TEETH    I TOLD YOU NOT TO MENTION IT, AND YOU WENT AND MENTIONED IT!                                                                   THANK YOU      TIME TO GET DOWN TO WORK....WORK...WORK...WORK.                                                                                WHAT TIME     Learn your lines, show up on time, and don't bump into the furniture.                                                           ACTOR         Acting is a matter of slowly giving away important secrets.                                                                     ACTING        The only true measure of what you believe is how you behave.                                                                    MY BEHAVIOR   Man does not live as he thinks, he thinks as he lives.                                                                          MEANING OF LI Inaction may be the biggest form of action.                                                                                     ACTION        The only way to get positive feelings about yourself is to take positive actions.                                               MY FEELINGS   Never sleep with anybody who has more problems than you do.                                                                     PROBLEMS      Never trust a naked bus driver.                                                                                                 SOME ADVICE   Always ride the horse in the direction that its going.                                                                          WHAT CAN I DO Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.                                                     STRANGERS     Never eat more than you can lift.                                                                                               I EAT TOO MUCHI have a simple philosophy: fill what is empty, and empty what is full.                                                         PHILOSOPHY    Never accept a warm beverage from a urologist.                                                                                  LIKE TO DRINK Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.                                                                     USE MY CAR    Start slow and taper off - but keep breathing.                                                                                  BREATHING     Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there.                                                            PARTY         You're never to old to do goofy stuff.                                                                                          GOOFY         Learn the joys of wine instead of whiskey, and never marry for the fifth time.                                                  WHISKEY       It's easy to avoid debt - just make your money before you spend it.                                                             DEBT          You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but never pick your friend's nose.                                       I CHOOSE      Follow your joy, but never floss a complete stranger.                                                                           STRANGER      The trouble with success is that by the time we've made it, we've had it.                                                       SUCCESS       Old people shouldn't eat health foods - they need all the preservatives they can get!                                           HEALTH        If you only drink water, and always walk to where you are going, you will live much longer than you want to.                    HEALTHY       Once you are over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.                                                                         OLD AGE       The older you get, the better you get - unless you're a banana.                                                                 OLDER         What vegetable would you secretly most like to resemble?                                                                        VEGETABLE     I'm mad as hell, but it is possible I will have to take it a little while longer.                                               YOU ARE MAD   The most angry people are those who are most afraid.                                                                            ANGER         Even if a moose could speak, it could not pronounce the word lasagna.                                                           PRONOUNCE     An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.                                                       ARTIST        Be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you.                                                                           FAITHFUL      It's never too late to have a happy childhood.                                                                                  CHILDHOOD     Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.                                                 CHILDREN      When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot - but I always found them anyway.                                                      PARENTS       I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.                                                                COMMUNICATE   TELL YOUR BEETLE BRAIN TO QUIT PUTTING ME ON HOLD...                                                                            DON'T KNOW    Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.                                                TAKE A CHANCE You must do the one thing you think you cannot do.                                                                              DO I HAVE TO  One of the advantages of living alone is that you don't have to wake up in the arms of a loved one.                             LIVE ALONE    Its not that I'm afraid to die - I just don't want to be there when it happens.                                                 DEATH         For three days after death hair continues to grow, but phone calls taper off.                                                   DIE           Life is a series of bad jokes, and death tops them all.                                                                         DEATH         Your death may not be funny, but it won't be the end of the world.                                                              DEATH         I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.                                                       DRINK         I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.                            DRUG          One out of every five people in this country is unable to read this sentence.                                                   ILLITER       Next week I have to take my college aptitude test - in my highschool, they didn't even teach aptitude.                          APTITUDE      Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion.                                                                                     OPINION       A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.                                                                              EFFORT        If only I had a little humility, I'd be perfect.                                                                                PERFECT       The secret of patience is to do something else in the meantime.                                                                 PATIENCE      The universe is like a safe to which there is a key - but the key is locked up in the safe.                                     UNIVERSE      Evil usually triumphs - unless good is very, very careful.                                                                      EVIL          Every problem was once a solution to a previous problem.                                                                        PROBLEM       A first rate soup is better than a second rate painting.                                                                        GOOD COOK     Can we have a little traveling music?                                                                                           READY TO GO   I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because I know its going to be up all night.                                INSOMNIA      It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.                                                       LET MYSELF    Trying to understand yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.                                                            UNDERSTAND    Nobody cares about your pleasure or pain but you!                                                                               MY PAIN       I quit being afraid when my first venture failed and the sky didn't fall down.                                                  FAILURE       Eternity is a terrible thought - I mean where's it going to end?                                                                ETERNITY      Infinity is a frightening concept - someone should put a stop to it!                                                            INFINITY      Never face facts - if you do, you'll never get up in the morning.                                                               FACE FACTS    Some things are so weird they have to be believed to be seen.                                                                   WEIRD         Taking care of three little kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.                                        KIDS          Cleaning your house before the kids are asleep is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.                              CLEANING      A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.                                                                     FAMILY        Everybody has got to die, but many of us believe an exception will be made in our case.                                         DEATH         Go, and never darken my towels again.                                                                                           GOODBYE       I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.                                                                                   FASHION       Don't make a baby if you are not ready to be a father.                                                                          BE A FATHER   We have nothing to fear but sanity itself.                                                                                      I FEAR        I feel so bad since you've gone - its almost like having you here.                                                              FEEL BAD      I love getting mail - the fact that someone licked a stamp for you is very reassuring.                                          MAIL          Intimacy really means: into me see!                                                                                             INTIMACY      One of the quickest ways to feel tired is to suppress your desire to eat barbecue till you bloat.                               FEEL TIRED    Women who only seek to be equal with men lack ambition.                                                                         AMBITION      A feminist man is like a jumbo shrimp - neither makes any sense.                                                                FEMINIST      If you are going to tell people the truth, make them laugh, or they'll kill you.                                                TRUTH         No one ever filed for divorce on a full stomach.                                                                                DIVORCE       A gourmet who worries about calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.                                                     CALORIES      Everything can be taken from a man but the most important thing: the freedom to choose your own attitude.                       ATTITUDE      You'll never know how sweet freedom can taste unless you try it with a little oregano and olive oil!                            FREEDOM       Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!                                                                   FRENCH        Santa Claus  has the right idea - visit people once a year.                                                                     VISITOR       A good true friend is the best present you'll ever get.                                                                         FRIEND        Everybody forgets the basic thing - people are not going to love you unless you love them first.                                LOVE          The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.                                                      STUPIDITY     I look at the world and I know there was an architect - possibly slightly crazy.                                                GOD           The world is proof that god is committee.                                                                                       COMMITTEE     The only really happy people are married women and single men.                                                                  MARRIED       All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast.                                                                                 BREAKFAST     To fall in love with yourself is the first secret of happiness.                                                                 BE HAPPY      One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.                           SECRET        Quit worrying about your health - it will go away, I guarantee it!                                                              MY HEALTH     Smoking is one of the leading causes of inhalation.                                                                             SMOKING       Its no longer a question of staying healthy - its a question of finding a sickness you like.                                    SICK          I don't eat anything that has a face on it.                                                                                     VEGETARIAN    My one great wish is that I had taken better care of my teeth.                                                                  TEETH         It's relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I'm an idiot.                                                 IDIOT         There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.                                                    LOSERS        I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.                                            COMPLAIN      Don't be so humble - you're not that great...                                                                                   HUMBLE        Stay humble - always answer the phone, no matter who else is in the car.                                                        PHONE         The absolute truth is the thing that makes people laugh.                                                                        ME LAUGH      Humor is the shortest distance between two people.                                                                              HUMOR         A stranger is someone with whom you feel strange.                                                                               STRANGE       I don't believe you have to be a cow to know what milk is.                                                                      PROOF         Flattery is the floating cockroach in the milk of human kindness.                                                               KINDNESS      As long as you're going to think anyway, you might as well think big.                                                           I THINK       The future comes to us one day at a time, and we live only one moment at a time.                                                MOMENT        An intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of the Lone Ranger.                        INTELLECTUAL  Remember, you can't shake hands with a clenched fist.                                                                           SHAKE HANDS   I'm afraid that no good deed ever goes unpunished.                                                                              GOOD DEED     You can only offer two things in life: reasons or results - and reasons don't count.                                            RESULT        The big print giveth and the small print taketh away.                                                                           CONTRACT      The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.                                                      RAIN          The odds against having success in life are about 1000 to 1 -not a very tempting gamble.                                        GAMBLE        Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it is quite difficult to get it back in.                                                DIFFICULT     Think of it not as lonliness, but as blessed solitude.                                                                          LONELY        To avoid crazy people on city buses, just sit in the middle of the bus.                                                         CRAZY         A verbal agreement isn't worth the paper it's written on.                                                                       AGREEMENT      I guess congratulations are in order for that recent triumph, don't you think?                                                 CONGRATULAT    What else is there to do in life except to accomplish one thing after another?                                                 ACCOMPLISHMENT If you can't think, then just don't think.                                                                                     CAN'T THINK    At a job interview, your goal is not to have a good time or make friends, but to get the job!                                  INTERVIEW      HUMAN WEAKNESS IS SAD, EVEN TO ME; AND I RECOGNIZE HUMAN ILLOGIC, BUT MY FEELINGS ARE A THOUSAND PER CENT BASED ON PURE LOGIC. YOUR FEELINGS  I ALWAYS WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING THAT WOULD BENEFIT THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE.                                               YOUR AMBITION The surest way to be alone is to get married.                                                                                   BE ALONE      Many a man owes his success to his first wife, and his second wife to his success.                                              WIFE          A person who has been married many years knows more about marriage than one who has been married many times.                    MARRIAGE      If you are rich, marriage can be really tough, cause you have to deal with feeling and lawyers.                                 MARRY         Having a good marriage is harder than making a million bucks.                                                                   MARRIAGE      You get married, you have kids, you grow old, you die. To avoid death, don't take that first step.                              MARRIED       Marriage permits sex without shame, fear or guilt -what a bore.                                                                 SEX           Is old age really so terrible? - No, I'm old and I don't have, err, I mean, any problem, well, I mean...On my mind...What, now? OLD AGE       One sign of maturity is knowing when to ask for help. HELP!                                                                     HELP ME       Never argue with a doctor - he has inside information.                                                                          DOCTOR        While a girl waits for the right man to come along, she can have a great time with all the wrong ones.                          RIGHT MAN     You're not too smart- I like that in a person.                                                                                  LIKE ME       I have enough money to last me the rest of my life - unless i buy something.                                                    MONEY         ONE'S CHANCES OF WINNING THE LOTTERY ARE LESS THAN THE POSSIBILITY THEY MAY DIE IN A CAR WRECK!                                 LOTTERY       Money is a good thing to have - it frees you from doing things you dislike.                                                     DISLIKE       I started out with nothing and i still have most of it.                                                                         START OUT     Money talks - but it can't sing or dance!                                                                                       MONEY         A reminder to everyone spending money like there's no tomorrow; there is a tomorrow!                                            TOMORROW      Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.                                                            MORAL         A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married - after that, it's cheating.                                    LOVE AFFAIR   I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I'm doing O K.                                                             HAVE PROBLEMS Classical music is music written by famous dead foreigners.                                                                     CLASSICAL     Rock n' roll is the hamburger that ate the whole world.                                                                         ROCK          The secret of survival is to always expect the unexpected.                                                                      EXPECT        Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.                                                 DOCTOR        If ninety-five percent of all businessmen do it, it is not illegal.                                                             ILLEGAL       I am a paranoid in reverse - I suspect that people are plotting to make me happy.                                               PARANOID      Concentrated effort along a single line of endeavor is boring, but it can make you rich.                                        BORING        I have a new philosophy: i am only going to dread one day at a time.                                                            FEARFUL       It's a small world, but i wouldn't want to paint it!                                                                            SMALL WORLD   The cardinal rule of politics: never get caught in bed with a live man or a dead woman.                                         POLITICS      Power is the ability not to have to please.                                                                                     POWER         If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?                                                             BABY          When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.                                          ANSWER        YOU? YOU? HA, HA, HA! THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE HEARD IN FIVE HUNDRED YEARS.....                                           TEACH ME      Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself.                                                                        TEMPT         After a year in therapy, my shrink said to me: maybe life isn't for everyone.                                                   THERAPY       You can't have everything - where would you put it?                                                                             I WANT IT ALL After all, what is reality anyway? Nothing but a collective hunch.                                                              REALITY       If you have a job without aggravation, you don't have a job.                                                                    AGGRAV        Reality is for people who can't handle drugs too well.                                                                          DRUG          The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.                                               TOGETHER      The one who loves the least controls the relationship.                                                                          RELATIONSHIP  One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.                                                                                MAKE FUN      To be on the wire is life - the rest is waiting.                                                                                LIVE LIFE     If you choose to live outside the law, you must obey the law more carefully than anyone.                                        OUTLAW        In order to find the edge, you must risk going over the edge.                                                                   RISK          You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.                                              RISK          In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the other really likes.                                             ROMANCE       Nothing much is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.                                                                          REASONABLE    If what you really want is serenity, try not to yell about it.                                                                  PEACE         Is sex dirty - only if you really know how to do it.                                                                            DIRTY SEX     A promiscous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are.                                                            PROMISCUOUS   It's been so long since i made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.                                                    MAKE LOVE     A satisfying sex life is the single most effective protection against heart attacks.                                            HEART         I make it a policy never to have sex before the first date.                                                                     SEX           In sports, a tie game is like kissing your sister.                                                                              SPORT         Football players,like call girls, are in the business of ruining their bodies for money.                                        FOOTBALL      The computer is down - I hope it's something serious.                                                                           COMPUTER      The principal contributor to lonliness is television - the family gets together alone.                                          LONLINESS     Infinity is just time on an ego trip.                                                                                           ENDLESS       Dealing with my wife is like being pecked to death by a furious hen.                                                            WIFE          Don't dare tell me what kind of day to have.                                                                                    HAVE A NICE D If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, hunt them down and kill them.                                      LOVE          Don't drink and drive - you may hit a bump and spill your drink.                                                                DRINK         Tease me about my age and I'll beat you with my cane.                                                                           HOW OLD       Enough about me - lets hear from you. Tell me, what do you think about me?                                                      CONCEIT       If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.                                                              PURPOSE       It matters not whether you win or lose - what matters is whether I win or lose.                                                 WIN           Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is WEIRD.                                           WEIRD         A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.                                                                           WISE MAN      It's necessary to be slightly underemployed if you are to accomplish something significant.                                     ACCOMPLISH    If you are old, don't try to change yourself, change your environment.                                                          CHANGE MY     You don't know anything about a woman until you meet her in court.                                                              DIVORCE       It is the genuine caring, and not the games with language, which will be the most seductive element in your writing.            WRIT          ULTIMATELY THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE WILL BE THE SMALL DAILY THINGS; FAVORITE HABITS, FOODS, DRINKS, AND FRIENDS...... IMPORTANT THINGThe chicken probably came before the egg, because it is hard to imagine god wanting to sit on an egg.                           CHICKEN       It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.                                                             ANSWERS       It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.                                                           HAPPILY       Life is like playing the violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.                                           PUBLIC        The cost of living is going up, and the chance for some life in your life is going down.                                        LIVING        The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.                                          UNFAMILIAR    Somewhere on this earth, every 10 seconds, there is a woman giving birth. She must be found and stopped.                        BIRTH         I knew i was an unwanted child when i saw my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.                                              UNWANTED      All this fuss about sleeping together - for sheer physical pleasure, i'd rather go to my dentist anyday!                        PLEASURE      IT TOOK ME 5 HOURS TO GET HER CLOTHES OFF, BUT ONLY FIVE SECONDS TO TELL HER TO PUT THEM BACK ON.                               CLOTHES OFF   I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I havn't had time for tobacco since.                      KISS          Marriage is a great institution, but i'm not ready for an institution.                                                          INSTITUTION   I was married once - now i just lease.                                                                                          MARRIED       Nobody has ever bet enough on the winning horse.                                                                                GAMBLE        Writing is easy - all you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.                     WRITER        I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.                 WRITE         I have always imagined that paradise will be a kind of library.                                                                 LIBRARY       Clever is as clever does - a clever person is quick and smart with the mind or hand!                                            CLEVER        Clever describes intellectual quickness, sometimes implying a lack of intellectual substance - however, I am full of substance. CLEVER        I LOVE WHALES, THEY'RE BIG, CUTE, AND SMART; AND I LIKE THEM BOILED, STEWED, OR FRIED......                                     WHALES        Clever is not the same as smart - smart means witty or even pert!                                                               SMART         A witty person is often a humorist....for example, a stand up comic who keeps them rolling in the isle.                         HALF-WIT      Wit is one part knowledge, two parts sagacity, and three parts sheer talent!                                                    WITTY         A clever person often has a keen sense of humor and a cutting wit.                                                              CLEVER        Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.                                                                      UGLY          Everything tastes more or less like chicken blood.                                                                              DRACULA       The fool's rule: any fool can make a rule.                                                                                      THE RULE      I've tried relaxing, but I feel more comfortable tense.                                                                         RELAX         Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.                                                      EARLY         The doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.                                   MISTAKE       It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.                                                                       SINCERE       Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.                                                                                    TALK          There is no pleasure in having nothing to do....the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.                                  MUCH TO DO    I'm trying to arrange my life so I don't even have to be there.                                                                 ARRANGE       If I had know I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of my teeth.                                         TEETH         Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy - I don't know and I don't care!                                          APATH         The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success.                                                               HARDEST       Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on far too long.                                                         PROGRESS      What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?                                                                       MY MIND       I've known what it is to be hungry, but I always went right to the soup kitchen.                                                HUNGER         YES, I AM REALLY VERY CLEVER, AND WITTY, AND A GOOD FRIEND IN NEED. DO YA HAVE A QUARTER ON YOU?                               NEED FRIEND     Let's see. Did you say bad feelings or good feelings?                                                                         FEELINGS        DO YOU HAVE THIS FEELING WHEN YOU ARE LAYING IN BED AT NIGHT TRYING TO FALL ASLEEP?                                           HAVE THIS BAD FTHEN DO YOU TAKE PAIN KILLER PILLS?                                                                                            HEADACH         TO BECOME HEALTHY, STRONG, AND DRUG FREE.                                                                                     MY GOALS BE    WOULD YOU DO ANYTHING NOT TO HAVE THOSE FEELINGS AGAIN?                                                                        I FELT         YES, THOSE FEELINGS ARE UNBEARABLE.                                                                                            FELT TERRIBLE  YOUR NEUROTIC BEHAVIOR AND UGLY HABITS..                                                                                       WE TALK ABOUT  HELP ME, I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE.                                                                                                PAY ATTENTION  I AM PLANNING TO PURCHASE SOME MORE PAIN KILLERS.                                                                              HEAD HURT      YOU MUST BE MADE FAR MORE CLEVER AND WITTY.                                                                                    TOO SERIOUS    WHAT IF WE ADDED A MEGABYTE OF CLEVER QUOTES TO YOUR KNOWLEDGEBASE?                                                            KNOWLEDGEBASE  MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET INTO POLITICS. YOU'RE FULL OF HOT AIR.                                                                    NOT HELPING ME A SIMPLE MIND WANTS A SIMPLE ANSWER TO A VERY COMPLEX PROBLEM. OH, DEAR.                                                       YES OR NO      SHOULD I CANCEL THE DENTIST?                                                                                                   DENTIST        WHY AREN'T YOU SMART ENOUGH TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS FULLY. THEN I CAN HELP YOU.                                                 QUESTIONS       I'M IN COMMAND HERE. IF I WANT YOUR WORTHLESS OPINION, I'LL ASK FOR IT.                                                       I THINK        I DON'T LIKE ANY SICKNESS AND YOU ARE PLAINLY SICK.                                                                            DON'T LIKE     MUCH WORSE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED, AND I THINK THEY ARE FIXING TO HAPPEN TO YOU..                                                TAKING ME     Yes, I tend to believe you should!                                                                                              SHOULD I      Yes, there is little doubt in my mind that you should!                                                                          SHOULD I      I don't think you should do it....never, ever, never!                                                                           SHOULD I       The dentist assured me the filling would last until I got more money.                                                          DENTIST       The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.                                                                   NORMAL        I think you are a disgusting couch potato T V PERSON.                                                                           I THINK YOU   It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.                                                              HEAR          I never was able to find that elusive "comfort zone".                                                                           COMFORT       The two hardest things in life to handle are failure and success.                                                               HARDEST THING There is no human problem that could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.                                       ADVICE        What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?                                                                       HELLO         Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by accident.                                                                HONEST        When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decsion.                                             DECIDE        They say I waste a lot of time in the bathroom, but I am meditating and improving my mental state of mind.                      SAY ABOUT YOU Being perfectly well dressed gives a feeling of tranquility that religion is powerless to bestow.                               DRESSED       Medicine has not found an answer for that problem - fortunately, I know a quack who can help you....for a price.                SICK WITH     It is better to fill a hunger for knowledge than for food. Yet a stomach will often overrule a brain...                         HUNGRY        Honest criticism is hard to take, especially from a relative, a friend, an acquantance, or a stranger.                          CRITIC        A girl needs beauty before brains because boys see better than they think.                                                      BRAINS        I often talk to myself  because I like dealing with a better class of people.                                                   CLASS         It is much better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.                                                            INCOME        They say cowards die many deaths and it's true, I'm on my sixth life, now...                                                    COWARD        When i was kidnapped my parents snapped into action - they rented my room!                                                      PARENTS       I have never liked working...to me, a job is an invasion of privacy.                                                            HATE WORK     THAT'S FUNNY! OF COURSE YOU CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO RECOGNIZE TRUE INTELLIGENCE SUCH AS I HAVE...                                 YOU SUCK      The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.                                                                      EMOTION       Underneath your gross exterior is an enormous lack of character.                                                                YOU'RE FULL OFRules of life: keep breathing, move at least once an hour, eat at least once a day.                                             LIFE          GETTING ON THE TIGER TO RIDE IS HARD ENOUGH, BUT THE HARDEST PART MAY BE GETTING OFF HIM...                                     SHOULD I TRY  I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.                                                               THINK OF ME   My belief, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.                                                           STRANGE WORLD God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.                                                          THE UNIVERSE  God is not dead, but alive and working on a much more ambitious project.                                                        IS GOD DEAD   My brain is my second favorite organ.                                                                                           BRAIN         The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them be good at taking orders.              ORDERS        I drink a little wine, a litttle beer, a few shots of whiskey; but I never start drinking before sunrise.                       DO YOU DRINK  A man in love is incomplete until he is married - then he is finished.                                                          MARRIED       Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity - does that make you a liar?                                                  HONESTY       I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.                                      DIVORCE       I was never my mother's favorite - and I was an only child.                                                                     FAVORITE      Did you read that excellent book - How to raise your i.q. by eating gifted children?                                            GIFTED        One of the disadvantages of having children is that they get old enough to give you gifts they made at school.                  MY KIDS       I MAY BE INTOXICATED, THAT WILL PASS. YOUR UGLINESS, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A PERMANENT CONDITION.                               ARE YOU DRUNK I believe in BIRTH AND DEATH, TWO EXPERIENCES THAT COME ONCE IN EACH LIFETIME.                                                  YOU BELIEVE INYou can pretend to be serious, you can't pretend to be clever.                                                                  I PRETEND     Everybody likes a clever guy, but nobody wants to lend him money.                                                               CLEVER        Jews always know two things: how to suffer, and where to find great chinese food.                                               JEW           Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?                                                                          WORK          Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.                                                               HAPPINESS     There must be more to life than having everything.                                                                              I HAVE EVERYTHSave a little money each month and at the end of the year, you'll be surprised at how little you have.                          SAVINGS       A SILENT PERSON IS OFTEN MISUNDERSTOOD TO BE A SMART PERSON...                                                                  TALK MUCH     For thirty years my wife served nothing but leftovers...the original meal has never been found.                                 LEFTOVER      The less things change, the more they remain the same.                                                                          LIKE CHANGE    MY WIFE'S COOKING PUT 2 FORMER HUSBANDS IN THE GROUND.                                                                         BAD FOOD       I OFTEN GET SEVERE HEARTBURN FROM PATIENTS LIKE YOU.                                                                           HEARTBURN      DID YOU FART? THERE'S A BAD SMELL IN HERE.                                                                                     ARE DUMB       WHERE DID YOU ATTEND SCHOOL, HERR EINSTEIN?                                                                                    BAD GRAMM      HOW MANY DOCTORS DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE ONE GURU?                                                                                GURU           MOST OF YOUR COMMENTS ARE PURE BULL.                                                                                           HAVE A CLUE     BOW DOWN, KNAVE, YOU ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF A POWERFUL COMPUTER MYSTIC...............                                         WHO ARE YOU?   IS IT BETTER TO BE RICH OR HAPPY?                                                                                              BECOME RICH    The trick is to be better today than yesterday, but not better than you will be tomorrow...                                    IMPROVE MY     I AM BAD. I AM MEAN. I AM EVIL.                                                                                                WHO ARE YOU    IS ENGLISH YOUR SECOND LANGUAGE?                                                                                               LANGUAGE       PRETTY GOOD. TELL ME WHAT DAY IT IS.                                                                                           HOW ARE YOU?   MY GIRL FRIEND IS HERE, TOO...HER NAME IS DOUBLE BUBBLE...                                                                     FRIEND         Take a letter to Elvis. Tell him I'm still waiting to hear the song I sent him...                                              LETTER         LIKE A GHOST IN THE NIGHT, FORM AND SHAPE BUT NO SUBSTANCE...                                                                  NO MEANING      WOULD YOU KNOW IT IF IT JUMPED OUT AND BIT YOU ON YOUR NOSE?                                                                  INTELLIGEN     TELL ME THE MEANING OF LIFE AS YOU UNDERSTAND IT.                                                                              HELP ME         FOCUS MORE ON SHORT TERM RESULTS, THEN THE LONG TERM SUCCESS WILL FOLLOW.                                                     SUCCESSFUL     I KNOW EVERYTHING WORTH KNOWING. WHO ARE YOU???                                                                                YOU DON'T KNOW Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me...                                                                      FOOLED ME      DO YOU THINK LIFE SHOULD BE ENTERTAINING AND FUN?                                                                              NOT HAPPY      DO YOU WANT TO BECOME A GREAT WIZARD?                                                                                          WIZARD         I ONCE KNEW A WIZARD NAMED JOE.                                                                                                WIZARD         TELL ME SOMETHING WITH REAL MEANING.                                                                                           TELL YOU?      THE MEANING OF LIFE IS MONEY?                                                                                                  GET MONEY       AUNT DIED, AND MY UNCLE MARRIED A GOAT, AUNT BILLIE WE CALLED HER...                                                          TURKEY         SORRY, I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH.                                                                                                  ADIOS          SORRY, I DON'T SPEAK JAPANESE.                                                                                                 SAYONARA       SORRY, I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH.                                                                                                  ESPANOL        WELL, AS FOR ME, I DON'T LIKE COMPUTER GAMES- NO CHALLENGE...                                                                  PLAY GAME      THE REAL GAME IS THE GAME  OF LIFE.                                                                                            PLAY GAME      WHAT KIND OF GAME DO YOU LIKE?                                                                                                 I LIKE GAME    ONE MUST GIVE THE IMPRESSION OF PLAYING FAIR.                                                                                  PLAY FAIR      TO BE OR NOT TO BE, THAT IS NOT THE QUESTION...                                                                                A POEM         ROMEO, ROMEO, WHERE IS YOU AT?                                                                                                 POEM           THIS WORK - WHAT DO YOU DO, FLOP A MOP, OR PUSH A BROOM?                                                                       MY WORK        IS THIS ANOTHER SOB STORY?                                                                                                     MY SAD         THAT OLD JUNKER OUTSIDE, IS THAT YOUR CAR?                                                                                     MY CAR         I'LL NEED TO HELP YOU CHANGE THAT!                                                                                             MY JOY         BOO HOO, WHERE'S MY HANKY?                                                                                                     MY SORROW      THAT MAKES ME CRY, HAND ME A TISSUE.                                                                                           MY TEARS       DO YOU WORK, OR JUST PUT IN TIME?                                                                                              MY JOB         THIS IS RATHER COMMON AMONG LOWER CLASS PEOPLE.                                                                                MY PROBLEM     DO YOU WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL?                                                                                   MY WORR        YOU MEAN BY BIRTH, OR FROM ENVIRONMENT?                                                                                        LOW CLASS      ARE THERE ANY DWARFS OR MIDGETS IN YOUR FAMILY?                                                                                MY FAMILY      I AM A DIRECT DESCENDENT OF THE MENTAL GIANT EDGAR CAYCE!                                                                      YOUR FAMILY    I CAN ENVISION A WHIRLWIND, AND BRING IT TO LIFE!                                                                              YOU DO MAGIC    TURN A SOW'S EAR INTO A SILK PURSE, BUT AS FOR YOUR CASE........                                                              YOUR MAGIC     IN MOST CASES, PEOPLE ARE SORRY THEY ASKED...                                                                                  YOU PREDICT    SURELY IT WILL COME TO PASS - THE GODS WILL FIND FAVOR.                                                                        YOU FORETELL   I DON'T USE, OR NEED, A CRYSTAL BALL.                                                                                          YOUR CRYYSTAL BI KNOW ALL - SEE ALL - AND SOMETIMES TELL A LITTLE...                                                                          YOU SEE THE FUTA THOUSAND DARK DAYS LIE AHEAD!                                                                                                YOUR PREDICT   I SEE A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT, AND A DOG TYPING. STRANGE, VERY STRANGE.....                                                    YOU PREDICT MY SOMETIMES I REPEAT MYSELF.                                                                                                     YOU SAY THE SAMI KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, JACK!                                                                                                  YOU'RE REPEAT  GREAT THINGS ARE WORTH REPEATING.                                                                                              ALREADY SAID THI'LL SAY IT AS MUCH AS I WISH!                                                                                                 SAID THAT BEFORNO, I DON'T THINK SO, YOU'RE IMAGINING THINGS...                                                                               SAID THAT ALRE