$Unique_ID{BRK01583}
$Pretitle{Community and Social Problems}
$Title{The Harm of Arguing in Front of Children}
$Subject{family arguments}
$Volume{Q-23}
$Log{}

Copyright (c) 1991   Tribune Media Services, Inc.


The Harm of Arguing in Front of Children


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QUESTION:  My sister and brother in law are forever scrapping.  Although we
all live in the same town, we stay away from them as much as possible as we
are embarrassed by their actions.  However we have great concern for our
nephew and niece who must live through these battles.  We fear for their
future and wonder what these experiences are doing to them.  Can you discuss
this, please.

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ANSWER:  Parents who continually argue in front of their children may not
realize the harm this behavior may cause.  While it is true that children can
learn how to deal with problems by observing their parents rationally working
out a difference of opinion and reaching a friendly compromise, life doesn't
always imitate truth.  In the heat of the moment, some parents may not have
enough self-control to stop from blindly lashing out or the emotional strength
to see how their anger is affecting the people around them.  Fighting for them
is often a way of "blowing off steam," or releasing some inner frustration
which may not be directly related to the start of the argument.  For instance,
a woman who feels lonely and neglected by her husband may nag him to switch
off the football game, saying it gives her a headache; or a man might reject
his wife's cooking in response to problems at work.
     The trouble is kids don't know that.  They react to what they see and
hear.  And sometimes this can result in signals as mixed as the old adage:  Do
as I tell you, not as I do.
     Ideally, say the experts, children thrive in an atmosphere that's open, 
honest, and loving; an atmosphere where family members interact with maturity, 
consideration, and respect for each other.  If arguments occur, youngsters can 
be taught to understand differences of opinion, and encouraged to contribute 
to the discussion.  Conversely, parents who always conceal their problems 
distance themselves from their children and rob them of this learning process.  
Somewhere in between the two lies the danger zone:  arguments that are 
unproductive and meant to cause pain.
     The range of reactions children express to destructive kinds of fighting 
swing between the look of anxiety on an infant's face to fear of divorce in 
older children.  It's also very common for youngsters to feel they must choose 
up sides, to blame themselves for their parents' problems, as well as take 
them to heart.  Children may worry that they are no longer loved, that their 
parents will harm them or one another, or that a family member will be sent to 
jail for becoming violent.  Often (in young children) the ability to recognize 
symbolic language is not developed yet, and they take what adults say too 
literally.  It's therefore very important for parents to explain what has been 
said in terms that the child can easily understand.  If they do not, the 
child's anxiety may continue to grow and adversely affect not only his 
emotional health, but social development.
     While you may be embarrassed by what is going on, and I can truly 
understand your reluctance to become involved, you may be the only realistic 
hope for the children.  If you can't bring yourself to discussing this deeply 
intimate problem with your sister and spouse, perhaps sending them a copy of 
this answer may help do the job.
ÿ
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The material contained here is "FOR INFORMATION ONLY" and should not replace 
the counsel and advice of your personal physician.  Promptly consulting your 
doctor is the best path to a quick and successful resolution of any medical 
problem.
