IT COULD NEVER HAPPEN!
1. Jimmy Hill admits that he may just possibly, maybe may have made the tiniest mistake. Possibly.
2. Peter Beardsley models the latest Versace on the Paris catwalk.
3. Paul Gascoigne sets up a The School of Etiquette, Elegance, Culture and Deportment.
4. Bobby Charlton finally gives up the ghost and admits that he has been bald for years.
5. John Motson commentates for a whole ten minutes without reference to a single statistic.
6. Kenny Dalglish gives a coherent after match press conference.
7. Kevin Keegan goes back to his glory days... and goes for one last perm.
8. A football team make a credible pop single exciting the musical press and not involving the line 'on our way to Wembley'.
9. Arsenal throw caution to the wind, play free flowing football and become darlings of the football press and are renamed 'scoring, scoring Arsenal'.
10. Gary Lineker realises that there's more to life than being constantly on TV and Radio and decides on a new life - that of a Scottish crofter.
11. Tony Adams never once raises his right arm to appeal for offside during a match.
12. The goalkeeper stays perfectly still and doesnŐt move before a penalty is taken.
13. After a particularly nasty challenge, a continental player simply brushes himself down and gets up with no fuss or recrimination.
14. Ian St John remains stony silent and straight faced after another one of Jimmy Greaves 'hilarious' wisecracks.
15. Jan Molby is dropped from the Liverpool team on account of his anorexia.
16. George Best has a shave and a haircut and gets rid of that awful shell suit.
17. Dennis Wise applys to do 'The Knowledge'.
18. The F.A. ask Eric Cantona to lead a campaign to 'kick racism out of soccer.'
19. You actually enjoy your half time hamburger and decide that it was well worth the money.
20. The team lists given in the programme are 100% correct and there are no changes whatsoever.
21. Manchester United decide to stick to the same kit for more than two years.
22. Graham Taylor says 'Do I not like that' ever again.
23. Lee Sharpe celebrates a goal with a simple brisk handshake.
24. John Barnes is told that this is his last England chance.
25. Scotland qualify for the second stages of the World Cup Finals.
26. Jack Charlton puts out an Irish team consisting of 11 Irishmen.
27. Trevor Brooking says something controversial.
28. Emylyn Hughes' voice breaks. ( See also Alan Ball )
29. Jimmy Hill gets a double chin.
30. Terry Venables appears on TV without a suntan.
31. Paul Ince gives up his career to become a professional Kid Creole lookalike.
32. Don Hutchinson goes out and keeps his flys done up all evening.
