" Howdy there! My name is Harvey. This
 is the happy Hamster house. Its one 
 of the few places that we Hamsters can
 be safe. Ed in the other room will
 sell you stuff. That hyper one is 
 Punchy, What a fencer!"
" Hi Bob! Good to see you! Did you by
 any chance stop at Spitter's shop 
 on your way here? He makes a great
 doughnut!"
" In a cave somewhere, there is a nice
 old Hamster who will heal travelers."
" Vlad Dracula `the impaler' was the
 ruler of Wallachia in the fourteenth
 century. The world remembers him as
 Bram Stoker's Dracula Vampire, but
 the people of Romania hail him as a
 hero because he defended the people
 from the hated Turks. I just thought
 you should know that."
" Machen sie haben karotte?...
 Machen sie haben karotte!?!...
 Machen nicht sie sprechen Deutsch?...
 Dummkopf!"
" You like this game? Well then you 
 should try `Bob the Hamster' or 
 `Sidewalk Fighter II' or `Shipwars'
 just to name a few of the incredible
 BriTech games now available only over
 the modem. Also look for 'Bob the 
 Hamster VGA' coming soon to a computer
 near you."
" Have you ever danced with a gerbil
 under the pale moon light of an 
 albino stuck to the ceiling?

 You have? Well you are pretty warped!"
" Wecome ta Spitter's Doughnut Shop. I
 is da proprieter, Spitter. Da fella
 behind da counter is my associate,
 Guido. Guido makes da doughnuts, and I
 makes sure dat we gets LOTS of repeat
 customois."
" You gonna buya doughnut or what?"
" Okay, Listen up Malone, I wants ya
 ta take dis package of `doughnuts' up
 ta Arnold's place an eschange it for
 da `moichandice',see?....Hey!
  You aint Malone! Who is ya?
  If you's a copper, I's gonna
  hafta have Guido show you da
  door!"
" Wadda ya mean? dis is a very
 legitimate establishment!"
" I am Arnold. Here you can buy food.
 Here you can buy weapons. Here you can
 buy Bobka-Seltzer. I drink Bobka-
 Seltzer three meals a day. that is why
 I am so buffed."
" Doughnut is wimpy, but easier
    to hit enemies with.
 Plunger sucks life, as well as
    toilet clogs.
 Beans are just the fuel. The
    intestine does all the work.
 Ausie Hamsters perfected the
    cheeserang technique. You
    will learn it.
 When I want to kill a monster, I
    smack it with a fish."
" My family comes from Romania. Vlad the
 Impaler was once ruler there. He had
 an impressive sword. But the Turkish
 Sultan cursed it."
" Hey man! you like my snowman? Huh?
 You don't think its ugly do you? Like
 you don't think its reeealy reeealy
 ugly? ...do you?... You think its ugly.
 You think its ugly! Don't you! Admit it!
 .....Actually, now that you mention it,
 it IS kinda ugly. Thank you for the 
 advice. What would I do without you?"
" I'm Wilbur Malone. I sit here all day
 and make snowmen. You'd think that 
 after years and years I might get good
 at it, but Nooooo."
" How do I make a living building
 snowmen? Well, I dont. I've got a job
 on the side delivering doughn-
 ..... Did I say job? No, no, I....
 um... live off welfare! yeah,yeah,
 thats the ticket!"
" Pssst! I'll tell you a secret...
 But if the programmer catches me,
 I'm as good as deleted...
 
 Press the [F7] key 38 times
 to access the secret mode."
" Wilbur, that Hamster over there making
 the snowman keeps telling people that
 something spiffy will happen if the
 [F7] key is pressed 38 times. I think
 that that is a pretty shiftless rumor
 to circulate."
" Hi! are you Bob? wow! THE Bob!
 I've always wanted to meet a hero.
 Is it spiffy being a hero? Is it
 fun being a hero? Are you going to
 go on talk shows after you beat up
 all the monsters? Are you? Huh?"
" Some people say I'm annoying. But
 you dont think I'm annoying? Do
 you?"
" Spam is good,
 Spam is great,
 Spam is good,
 Spam is Spam.
 La, La, La, LAAAA!

 Come on Bob, Sing along!"
" You discovered a secret
 warp portal!

 Where will it lead? a new level?
 Will it take you back in time?
 Or will it just chew your atoms
 up and spit them back out?" 
" Help us! that hideous thing attacked
 us while we were collecting moon
 rocks! Please save us!"
" We didn't do anything to provoke
 it. It just all of a sudden started
 to throw moon rocks at us."
" My partner was throwing moon rocks
 at that thing, and it started to 
 attack us. Please help!"
" Tu jeter luneroche a moi,
 Je jeter luneroche a tu!
 Aller au loin, ou je volonte
 mal tu deuxieme temps"
" I derive no joy from honking my
 nose. I never voluntarily cram myself
 into a tiny car. 
 I'm just not cut out to be a clown."
" I hate being a clown. I'm just not
 silly enough. I have no skill at being
 absurd. And my self esteem is shot to
 pieces. Even if I am doing my job well,
 everybody still laughs at me to my 
 face."
" I could have been a neurosurgeon, or
 a tax acountant, or even a hero like
 you!, but NOOOOO. My parents had to go
 and name me `Bozo', so I'm doomed to
 be a clown all of my life."
" Das yoo vant to buy ah bahloon? Dey
 is so beeg and colorfool. you like?"
" Deese bahloons is vary `ard to `old.
 I is aphraid zat I veel be caryed
 avay buy de vind! I hobe zat sumevahn
 buis zem. I gots un goot yello van
 veeth `appy phase pained on it. You
 like?"
" A srange `amster vas ere yeserdai und
 buyed ah nize znowmhan bahloon. `E 
 zaid iss naem vas Weelbur Mahlone. `E
 zeemed `ike ah shieftlees zart off
 `amster. I zeenk `e vas meekst oop een
 ze dohgnoot mavia."
" Wow! this amusement park is 
 astounding! There are so many things to
 do that I can't pick where to start!"
" I love the carousel! I rode it over and
 over and over until I barfed! As soon
 as I feel a little better I'm going to
 do it again! I love this!"
" Did you see the zoo yet? Its so cool!
 I fed the Pink Plip out of my hand!
 It's tame of course. But that Snatchle
 sure isn't! I found a ladder in the 
 corner and put it up against the
 Snatchle's pen so I could see it
 better. Boy it's vicious!"
" I'm a tourist from out of town. I
 came here to see this amusement park
 and the zoo, but I didn't expect all
 the monsters. I was almost killed
 getting here."
" Before I became a zookeeper, I was in
 the doughnut mafia. I got caught doing
 a sprinkle-frosting job, and was 
 thrown in the slammer. Talk about lack
 of loyalty, Spitter hired some 
 shiftless snow artist to take my place
 not two days later. I got off on a
 technicality, but I've stayed on the 
 right side of the law ever since."
" I've learned a lot being the 
 zookeeper here. This here is a Pink
 Plip. he's tame as a house flea. That
 mean green one is a Snatchle. We have
 a pair of Vrangs, a Skinny, a Oogler
 and a rare Blue Goomple."
" Have you seen my ladder? I left it
 in my office, and now its gone."
" What do I feed these animals?
 Why I feed them only the best top
 grade SPAM on the market. Same
 stuff I feed my wife and kids.
 You like SPAM doncha?"
"  How Inteligent are these animals?
 Well, Most of them are just slightly
 dumber than dirt. But that there 
 Pink Plip is so stupid that it'll
 forget to breathe if you don't kick
 it once in a while."
"  Can any of these animals talk?
 Not even close! They're not smart 
 enough to. But I've heard rumors that
 Skinnys (which originaly came from
 the moon) used to be able to speak
 some French."
" Me used live by lake.
 Lake big.
 Long way off.
 Only one tree there.
 Me go near tree once.
 Me find cold place.
 Green rocks there.
 Then me come back."
" weeeeeerp!
 weeeeerp!
 weeeerp!
 weeerp!
 uweerp!
 ...
 Squeeeeeee!!!"
" Hello there young'n. How you be?
 I'd a be right glad to share some
 'o my hamster food with ye. I'd
 sit an talk awhile, but I has 
 got to go see ifn the plumber is
 a doin his job."
" I have so many beautiful paintings!
 I am so sad that I have to look at
 them one at a time. Do you own any
 paintings? If you don't then you are
 a nobody."
" I need one more painting to complete
 my collection. Until I get it, I'm
 going to sit in this here picture
 frame so that no one will notice."
" My art collection is so spiffy that
 Elvis Presley himself came to see it.
 Last week, the queen of England came
 to see it, and the week before, it
 was Vlad Dracula. Next week I'll be
 getting a visit from the programmer."
" Are you a fan? I'd be glad to sing
 you a few tunes... For a few 
 Sunseeds... Work has been slow
 lately."
" Why was everyone saying I was dead?
 Well, the doughnut mafia was out to
 get me, so I staged my death. I've
 only recently come out of hiding.
 Now that I'm back, Me impersonators
 everywhere are out of work. Oh well,
 I'm the king, not them. Maybe
 they'll get part time jobs as mall
 Santas."
"What do you think of this new song?
      There was a squid,
        up in my nose.
      I sneezed him out,
        onto the floor.
      He twitched and squirmed,
        till he was dead.
      I never again,
        Had a squid in my head!"
" No autographs today, I'm still in
 a bad mood about my daughter getting
 married to that weirdo. He's had too
 many nose jobs, dresses funny, and
 he sings like a sissy, and he didnt
 invite me to the wedding just
 because he thought I was dead. Oh
 well. At least he's rich."
" I say chap, what do you think of
 these right jolly paintings? 
 I was at the auction where this
 one was sold."
" I just had a spot of tea with
 Elvis Presley!"
" This is the second worst painting
 you have ever seen."
"  En'guarde!
 Parry! Thrust! Dodge! Slash!
 Counter! Slice! Dice! Make french
 fries in three easy steps!"
" Care to fence a bit? If you're not up
 to it then go away and let me practice
 alone."
" Let me warn you, I wont go easy on
 you just because you're a beginner."
" Duh. Is you here at this here doughnut
 shop to buy you a doughnut?"
" Hi der! I is Guido! I is da best thug
 in da whole doughnut maf- OUCH!
 Why dija hit me boss?"
" Last week da boss and I made a nice
 concrete doughnut for dis guy whats
 was snoopin around. Trouble is, he
 `went swimmin' right after we fed it ta
 him. Oh well, cramps is cramps."
"   Alas poor Yorrick, I knew me well.
   Get thee to a convent!...no, wait...
   is that right?
 I won't always be a sales clerk at this
 cafe. Someday I will be a great actor!"
" Welcome to Arnold's (Diner/Armory). My
 name is Yorrick. I'll be your (waiter/
 armorer) today. Is there anthing I can
 get for you to (eat/kill things with)?"
" Woah! Be careful! these bombs are
 EXTREEMLY dangerous!... Want some?"
" Hi. My name is Ivan the combustable.
 Always observe proper safety when you
 are blasting things to smithereens.
 I learned that lesson from my father,
 Peter the fingerless, who learned it
 from his father, Borris the burnt.
 Some day, I'll teach it to my son Yuri.
 Yuri doesnt have a title yet."
" On sale now! The ACME Viviplunger!
 Unclog your toilet!
 Unclog your bathtub!
 Unclog your sink!
 Impress your Friends!
 Thwack your enemies!"
" Available exclusively here at the
 Happy Hamster House! The incredible
 relic, Vlad's Rapier! sharpest sword
 in the world! So sharp you could shave
 with the hilt!
  (Ed's merchandice assumes no 
   responsibility for curses.)"
" Hungry? We sell food!
 Carrots, grain, you name it!
 Dirty food, dirt cheap!"
" Be careful when using bombs. you can
 Nuke yourself just as easy as the
 enemys. Dont try to actually club the
 monster with the explosive, that will
 barely hurt it. Instead, place the
 bomb in a strategic location and wait.
 If you press [ENTER], all the bombs on
 the screen will disappear. Good luck
 with your blasting."
" Hello Bob. My name is Vlad the 
 Hamster. I'm rather impressed that you
 found my house. Actually, I'm the 
 villain in this game, but don't worry.
 I won't impale you or anything. I wont
 spoil the plot for you anymore.
  I see you have my old sword. It sure
 was nice. Its a shame that darn Sultan
 cursed it.
  Well, since your here why not sit"
" down and have a bite to eat. How
 would you like a spammy outfit like
 mine? I'll sell you one cheap. Hmmm,
 you found my house, so, you must like
 secrets. Let's see... I know of a river
 not too far off that you can actually
 walk across. And the Pink Plip at the
 zoo knows a nifty secret. And you can
 sometimes find useful weapons when"
" you beat monsters. Oh yeah! have you
 met Wilbur Malone? he knows a whopper
 of a secret that you can use when you
 are talking to someone, but dont trust
 him to tell it to you straight, He is
 in the doughnut mafia, which means he
 is very SHIFTless."
" Oh yes, before I forget, when you
 have to pummel me later on, you should
 try using my sword on me, I'm very
 susceptible to it's curse. After all,
 it was intended for me. See you at the
 end of the game!"
" All right Bob, you beat me fair and
 square. I'll fess up if you let me go!
 You see, I was lying about that [F7]
 thing. the actual secret is to equip
 the frosted doughnut, go to Arnold's
 place, and stand on my snowman's head.
 then you press [F12] 38 times, [Tab]
 15 times, and then leave the room and
 let an enemy kill you. If you do it
 all fast enough, you get the `Minced
 Onion' weapon, which has 50 attack
 power, has a range of 15, and heat-
 seeks the nearest enemy. Okay now that
 I told ya, can I go? And please don't
 tell Boss Spitter. If he finds out
 what I told you, then I'm as good as
 jelly filling."
" We guard this door so that no more
 monsters can come through. We sealed
 it off only a few weeks ago."
" This is the door that all the
 monsters entered our world through.
 I would advise you stay clear of it."
" Rumor has it that Vlad the Hamster
 lives on the other side of the toothy
 door. He is the villain responsible
 for all of the monsters."
" So you are a hero huh? Well, if you
 feel lucky you could try to beat Vlad
 the Hamster. But if you go for it,
 I'm placing my bet on Vlad. That's
 one bet I hope I lose."
" Three cheers for Bob!
  Hip! Hip! Hooray!
   Hip! Hip! Hooray!
    Hip! Hip! Hooray!"
" Wow, Bob, you beat the game! Can
 I have your autograph?"
" Say, Bob, is it true that you were
 also the hero in some other great
 games like `Bob the Hamster' or `Bobs
 Casino'?"
" Now that you beat the game, make
 a friend play! (have you seen the
 credits yet? if not, pick the
 `credits' option from the menu at
 the title screen.)"
" Hi there Bob. Thanks for pummeling
 me back there. You see, I'm actually a
 really nice guy, but being a villain
 is my job, and I get a big cash bonus
 whenever a hero beats me up. Thanks
 again for doing so well!"
" You have done very good.
 That is, good for someone less
 buffed than myself."
" I'd play a song in your honor, but
 one of my guitar strings is broken.
  Well, the least I can do for someone
 who saved the world is to say,
 `Thankya verymuch.'"
" You are a success. You can thwack
 ickys like there was no tomorrow.
 But me? I have to just sit here the
 rest of my life and be a stupid happy
 clown."
" Say, thanks kid. Ya dida nize number
 on Vlad der. I was inprezed. does
 youse wants a job breakin kneecaps?
 ya wood be goodatit. No? Well, anytime
 ya wants a favor frum da doughnut
 mafia, you jus menton my name, ya
 hear?"
" Duh. you're purty spiffy. Maybe I
 wil giv up be'in a thug, an try
 to be a hero. Ya tink I oughta loin
 to talk foist?"
" 
 I am not shiftless!"
" Oo yah, I veel make a Bob shabed
 bahloon een yar ohner. Yew veel like
 eet!"
" Good job! I couldn't have done it
 better myself! I am so impressed with
 your accomplishments, that I named
 my pet Plip after you. You should be
 proud that a fine specimen of the
 world's dumbest monster bears your
 name."
" Why hello thar. you is a right good
 feller! You want to repair my sink?"
" I'm going to have a picture of you
 painted to finish my collection. It'll
 be a masterpiece!"
" Hooray for Bob! 
 
 If you liked my bombs, you'll love
 this, press [ENTER] to pause the game,
 and wait. after a while, you'll see a
 fireworks display."
" Hey there, I took time off from my
 moonrock collecting to fly back to
 Earth and congratulate you.
  Congratulations!"
" To be, or to not be, those are the
 questions. Tis nobler to-... oh darn!
 I forgot again!"
" You look like a hero, thats what you
 look like. I can see, that you need an
 agent to help you with your media
 circus, your made-for-TV-movie and
 your computer game. I would be willing
 to be your agent for say, two hundred
 sunseeds?"
" Not bad. For an amateur. I could have
 done it better. After all, I'm a
 skilly fencer. So when should I start
 giving you lessons?"