How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb? 
Just one. 
He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him. 
  
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Where does a 600 pound gorilla sleep? Anywhere he wants. 
  
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What's green and sits on the lawn? Paddy O'Furniture. 
  
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My friend told me that somewhere in the world a woman is 
giving birth to a baby every eight seconds. 
I told him that we should find the woman and stop her. 
  
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Why didn't the man report that his wife's credit card was stolen? 
Because the thief was charging less than his wife. 
  
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Did you hear about the guy who lost the use of his whole left side? 
He's all right now. 
  
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What is the difference between zombies and darned socks? 
One is dead men the other is men ded. 
  
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What is Count Dracula's favorite snack? 
Fangfurters.
  
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Who is safe from a man-eating shark? 
Women and children. 
  
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What do dragons do to relax? 
They let off steam. 
  
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If a werewolf lost his tail, where could he get another? 
At a retail store. 
  
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Which roads do vampires travel most often? 
The main arteries. 
  
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What do you get when a ghost haunts a dairy farm? 
Milk shakes. 
  
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What kind of music do ghosts write? 
Sheet music. 
  
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Why is a haunted house like a rabbit farm? 
They are both hair(re)-raising places. 
  
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How do you stop an angry monster from charging? 
Take away his credit cards. 
  
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What does a bear say? 
GRRRRRRR! 
What does a baby bear say? 
GRRR BRRR! 
  
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Where can you find the world's most sophisticated superconducter? 
On the AMTRAK Metroliner between New York and Washington. 
  
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What do you call an uncooked mix of ground beef and beans? 
Chilly chili. 
  
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Why is it that as technology gets more and more complicated, the 
people who understand it get younger and younger. 
  
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If Superman was a thief, what would his nickname be? 
The Man of Steal. 
  
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Once rolaids absorbs 47 times its weight in excess stomach acid 
where does it go? 
  
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Why do people get electronic suntans in Japan? 
Because there are so many SONY days. 
  
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What does the Shah's tombstone say? 
I ran Iran. 
  
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Why did Elmer Fudd buy Raid? 
He heard it killed Bugs. 
  
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Wife to husband - "I'm going to the shoe store, want anything?" 
"Here's a dollar, get me 100 pairs of penny loafers." 
   
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How are airplanes different from rude diners? 
One tips its wings, the other wings its tips. 
  
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Did you hear about the tourist in London who went to the TV to 
turn on the English Channel? 
  
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What did the light bulb say to the man who asked it 50 dumb questions? 
50 Watts. 
  
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What kind of books do people write about wine collections? 
Best cellars. 
  
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Why did the computer need surgery? 
For a slipped disk. 
  
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Do you think that George Washington just pulled out a quarter 
when someone asked him for ID? 
  
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Why did the college football star suddenly join the army? 
He heard he was about to be drafted. 
  
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Didn't you ever want to know exactly how many of Kentucky Fried 
Chickens 11 ingredients are herbs, and how many are spices? 
  
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Did you ever wonder what do crows have to eat when they do 
something stupid? 
  
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If two kids eat 3 pies a days for 15,000 days what will they become? 
Two fat adults. 
  
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What's the only thing worse than giving sugar to a diabetic? 
Giving acupuncture to a hemophiliac. 
  
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What did the two comedians with amnesia talk about? 
They're not sure, but it was really funny. 
  
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Which of our President's was like a gift from his country? 
US Grant. 
  
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What was the psychoanalyst's favorite food? 
Freud chicken. 
  
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Why was the executioner disqualified from the Boston marathon? 
Because he had a head start. 
  
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Did you ever get curious to know how long minute rice takes to 
cook in a microwave oven? 
  
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Why is that only 340 people in the United States are 7 feet tall, 
but whenever you go to the movies one is directly in front of you? 
  
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What's the difference between a boxer and a man with a cold? 
One knows his blows, the other blows his nose. 
  
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What happened when Smokey the Bear started chopping down the 
trees without permission? 
He was forest fired. 
  
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What do most crooked politicians grow on their farms? 
Shredded wheat. 
  
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What did the psychologist say to the beggar? 
I have no money, but I'll try to talk some cents into you. 
  